The Birthday Him & Her

-'I don't know what came over me, Inspector.'

-Steve?

Here we go.

Can I lend Jamie one of your DVDs?

I'm trying to watch this.

-I've seen this one.

-Well, don't...

-The choirmaster did it.

-I said,

"Don't tell me."

No, you didn't.

This programme contains some strong language

Why would you do that?

Calm down, it's only Morse.

Yeah, and there's only a limited number of Morses left now because...

Because John Thaw died.

Can you stop eating my chips?

Did you know that his first name's Endeavour?

Yeah.

Oh, please, no. It's my birthday!

Please, this is my birthday dinner.

Shall we have sex again?

No, I'm OK, actually.

Oh, right.

-It is your birthday. I don't mind if you...

-I'm ill.

I'm not well, I'm too tired.

Wow.

-You've got a bogey up your nose.

-Which one?

-Left.

My left.

It's massive.

No, it's not.

Come here.

It's because I'm ill.

Oh, look at that!

It's gigantic.

Thank you, fans.

Oh! Do you know, if Jamie wants to watch Morse, he can get the box set himself.

Can... No, can you stop eating my chips?

I told you about that, anyway.

-What?

-He's called Endeavour.

-No, you didn't. I told you.

-No, you didn't.

-Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't.

-Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't.

-Yes, I did.

Well, we'll agree to disagree.

No, we won't.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that's her. Will you get it?

I'm weak.

It was a question on Eggheads.

DOORBELL RINGS

Get the door! Don't leave her waiting.

All right.

-Hello, Janet.

-How is he?

He's...doing extremely well, considering.

I've trod in some dog shit.

-OK.

-Can you smell it?

No.

Wait a second.

Just wait.

-Smell it now?

-Oh, God, yeah.

I've brought him some echinacea.

-Oh, hi.

-How's my poor birthday boy?

-Oh...

-I've brought you some echinacea.

-Oh, don't get too close.

-Ooh.

Ooh, your glands are up.

Are they? Oh, shit.

His glands are up, Becky.

Oh, Christ.

Have you had a nice day?

Yeah, it's been good.

Becky got me the Morse box set, so we've been working our way through 'em.

Oh, I love John Thaw, don't you?

-Ooh, yeah.

-Did you see him in Kavanagh QC?

-Ooh, hunky.

-Wouldn't mind my legs wrapped around...

All right, all right, we don't watch it cos we're perverts.

-We like it for the storylines, don't we, Becks?

-Yeah, course.

Paul and Laura got us into 'em.

Yeah, and my uncle works in HMV, so I basically got 'em for nothing.

We've got this scam on. Well, it's not a scam, but... Well, it is a scam, I guess.

Management can't detect it, so when there's a sale on, you can...

It's to do with vouchers. And you...need a special code.

It's complicated.

OK, Becky.

Do you want a drink, Mum?

Cup of tea? Becky'll make it.

Oh, thanks, Becky.

I can't stay.

Oh! Really?

It's Jenny from college.

Her son's having an engagement party.

-Why are you going?

-Well, it's free drinks.

No, I mean, why did they invite you?

Oh, they didn't.

-You going to have your echinacea?

-Er, yeah, definitely.

Becks.

How do you...want it?

Well, I think just, um...make it.

-OK.

-Could I get a Lemsip?

-Sure I can't get you anything, Janet?

-No, I should pace meself.

So...presents.

-Mum, you shouldn't have.

-I'll start off with the little one.

Very nice.

Oh, wow!

Wow, that's amazing.

-I got him to put it on the cuffs as well.

-Wow!

Oh, hand cream, very good.

Mum!

-Have you got that one?

-No.

-They're all about London.

-Oh, brilliant.

Oh, that's interesting.

Did you know London was the first city to have a subway?

It was built in 1863 and it was three and a quarter miles long.

No, I didn't. That's fascinating.

-Becks?

-Yeah?

-Come here a sec.

-I'm busy.

Did you know that London was the first city to have a subway?

It was built in 1863 and it was three and a quarter miles long.

No, I didn't. That's fascinating.

-Ouzo.

-It was on two for one.

Oh, where's the other one?

And I got you this.

Oh, look at his little face!

-Do you like it?

-Oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh, ha, ha! Look at his little nose.

He's the cutest little fella in the world!

Hey, Becks, look. "Steve."

-"Steve."

-Oh.

It's got your name on it.

It's on the cuffs too.

Oh, that's a nice touch.

-What else did you get?

-Well, the dressing gown, er, calendar, book of London facts.

What's that one?

-Er, London - 1,001 Intriguing Facts.

-No, the calendar.

-Well, it's just a calendar.

-What kind of calendar?

-It's a badger calendar.

-Badger?

-OK.

-Yeah.

-That's cool.

-Yeah, it is.

Are you going to have your echinacea, Steve?

Yep.

It's very good for you.

Drink it all up, go on.

Go on.

-It has herbal properties.

-Yeah?

The Romans used to use it, or the Incas.

-Linda McCartney, people like that.

-Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Come on, now,

the last bit for Mummy.

That's it.

Was that nice?

Mmm.

Do you feel better?

-Loads.

-Good.

Well...

I should get going.

Oh, really?

I know, but they've put a grand behind the bar.

Did your father send you anything?

-A voucher.

-For?

-Next.

-Next?

-Next?

-Next.

A tenner.

-OK.

-Yeah.

Well, have a lovely evening. Doing anything nice?

Oh, I'll have to see how it goes. I feel so terrible.

-I don't want to make myself iller.

-Do you think that's possible?

OK, Becky.

Well, happy birthday, love.

Oh, don't get too close.

You text me tomorrow, let me know how you're doing.

Yeah, will do. Bye.

Phoar...I can still smell it.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for the, um...

-I didn't have anything, did I?

-No.

OK.

-Bye, Steve.

-Bye, Mum.

-Bye, Janet.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't like badgers.

-A badger calendar?!

-I don't like badgers.

-A fucking badger calendar.

-I used to like 'em when I was a kid, but...

-You're 24.

Yeah, not now.

You had your Lemsip?

Mmm.

That was quick.

Well, I was thirsty.

I'm ill, I'm not well.

-Oh, I need a wee.

-Oh.

No, I need a wee.

Why don't you want to have sex with me?

I'm ill. I'm too tired.

Is there any of that posh ham left?

No, you finished it last night.

-Did I?

-Yeah.

-Did I?

-Yeah, you were really drunk.

-Oh, God, that's annoying, I was looking forward to that.

-Yeah?

Are you serious about not coming out tonight?

I'm not well, look at me.

It's your birthday.

Everyone will be there.

Look, can we talk about this in a minute. I can't wee and talk at the same time.

They all want to see you.

Look, I can't wee and talk at the same time.

Paul's excited.

I can't wee and talk.

Oh, shit.

It's my birthday. I can do what I want.

John Thaw? You're disgusting.

I was agreeing with your mum.

Actually, I think I need a poo.

I'll have a quick one before the others get here.

As if you can do a quick poo.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll swallow it back.

Thanks for the commentary.

Would you get the door? It is my birthday, and I feel so dreadful.

-Oh, hi, Dan.

-Hiya, Becks.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-How's Steve?

-He's fine. Well, he's dying of flu, but he's fine.

Cool.

All right, Dan? Didn't expect to see you.

Well, no-one expects the Spanish Inquisition, do they?

What's that?

It's Monty Python.

-Oh, I've never seen it.

-I could lend it to you.

Nah, it's all right.

Got you a present.

How do you know it's my birthday?

Er, Facebook.

-Are we friends on Facebook?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yep.

-OK.

-Open it, Steve. Might be another badger calendar.

Will, erm, Shelley be coming round at all?

Yeah, they'll be round in a minute.

Oh, I should have brushed me teeth.

Given up trying to get Anita back.

I've stopped phoning her, stopped bothering her.

-Oh, OK, that's good.

-Yeah, it was her dad's idea.

Um, erm,

-thanks, Dan.

-It's an inflatable armchair.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Is that OK?

-That's actually brilliant.

Oh, my God.

Let's blow it up.

I'll do it.

DOORBELL RINGS

BANGING AT DOOR

I'll get it, shall I?

-Where's the birthday bastard?

-Hello, Paul.

-Hiya.

-Oh, you look lovely, Laur.

Thanks, Becks. Red really suits me.

Wow, is this Shelley or Audrey Hepburn?!

-Shelley.

-It's definitely Shelley.

Dan, Dan, mate,

you were meant to text me the password to that website.

-The Asian one, where you can tell them to do stuff.

-Oh, yeah, you can let your imagination run wild.

Well, text me the password.

HE GROANS

Everyone's here, Steve.

-Happy birthday, Steve.

-Happy birthday.

-Many happy returns of the day, Steve.

-Hi, Shelley.

-Hi, Dan.

Here he is, the birthday bastard.

-Nice dressing gown.

-Yeah, "Steve."

"Steve. Steve. Steve."

Get dressed, mate. Let's get down The Goose.

Steve's not well.

-It's glandular, feel my glands.

-Oo-er!

Oh, yeah. Have you had some echinacea?

-Yeah.

-It's a herbal remedy.

Hippies use it, but it does work.

-Can I feel your glands, Steve?

-Oo-er!

-OK, let's sit down.

-Ooh, yeah. Yeah.

So, how does it feel to be 24, Steve?

-Um, pretty different, yeah.

-He's like a new man.

I was 42 this year, and I don't feel any different from when I was 18.

Dan, mate.

Would you mind doing that in the kitchen? Shelley ain't got a chair.

I could, or I could bring one in.

Um...no, probably just do it in the kitchen, mate.

-Thanks, Dan.

-Thanks, Dan.

-Thanks, Dan.

-Thanks, Dan.

-See you all in a bit, then, yeah?

-Now then, presents.

-Yeah.

-Ooh.

-I'll go first.

Right.

-Open it, Steve.

-I wonder what it could be?

It's a pizza(!)

THEY LAUGH

We say that at work when a parcel comes in.

Yeah, it's funny!

And once the boys upstairs bought

an actual pizza, and it came and we said, "It's a pizza".

MOBILE BEEPS

-And it was a pizza!

-Who's that from?

Oh, erm, it's just another birthday...

Did you see what Becky got me?

-Oh!

-It's genius.

-Good old Uncle Dennis.

-Can we borrow 'em?

-We're lending them to Jamie first.

-No, we're not.

-Don't lend them to him, he might stick his dick in 'em.

-Cos he's gay?

-Yeah.

-He might stick his dick in a DVD because he's gay?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Wow. Thanks, Laura, a diary.

So you can put your appointments in it, Steve.

Yeah.

HE PANTS

Oi, did you know Inspector Morse's first name was Endeavour?

Yeah.

And I told him that.

-No. Fuck it, I said about four days before we even watched it.

-No, you didn't.

-We were in the Crown.

I said, "He's called Endeavour", and then I bottled that prick who pinched your arse.

-And I told you, Paul.

-No, you didn't.

-All I know is, I know what I know, and I said it first.

-And I saw it on Eggheads.

-Oh, for fuck's sake, I've known it for years.

..Endeavour Morse, and now I'm getting it thrown back in my face!

Let's all agree to disagree...

Now, hand Steve his present, Paul.

-Right, this one's from me.

-It's a football!

When we're married, you'll receive one present from the both of us,

but it will cost twice as much, just so you know.

Ah, headphones. Very useful.

Well, do you like them?

Yeah, course.

Well, you could look more enthused.

-No, I am. I'm, I'm very enthused.

-Well, put your badge on.

Oh, well, it...it's a big badge, Paul.

It's your birthday and you're not wearing a badge?

It's a fucking farce.

I'm getting agitated. Let's get down the Goose.

We're watching Steve open his presents.

-At least put your badge on.

-Put your badge on. Paul's getting agitated.

Yeah, put your badge on.

Paul got it specially for you.

Oh, isn't that nice?

-Yeah.

-You look very handsome, Steve.

Now it's Shelly's turn to give Steve her card.

-Jesus.

-Go on, Shell.

Here's your card, Steve.

Kieran made it at school.

-Thanks, Shell.

-Oh, isn't that nice?

-Did it all himself.

-He did all that himself?

-Yeah.

Look what Steve got!

Becky. Becky.

Get off. Look what his mum got him.

-You stupid idiot.

-I used to like 'em when I was a kid.

Did you also like picking flowers and sucking cock?

Well, Becky fancies John Thaw, even though he's dead.

Well, Steve gave his dog a handjob.

-Ugh.

-What?

I was nine. I was tickling him.

I was as surprised as anyone.

# Happy birthday to you...

ALL: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Steve

# Happy birthday to you! #

So I've written a speech...

-Let's go.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I think so.

-Oh, I'm feeling a bit dizzy. I don't think I'll come.

-Oh, fuck off.

Seriously, Paul, it's glandular.

-Seriously, Steve, fuck off, it's your birthday.

-I just don't feel up to it.

It's your birthday, you thick prick.

You're going to drink until you're sick.

That's an offer you can't refuse.

-I think we should go, Shell.

-Mm.

-What will you have to drink?

-I might start off with wine.

-Ooh, Shelly!

-Or a pint of Stella.

I was thinking I might start off with a wine or a pint of Stella.

-Shall I stay at mine, so I don't wake you up?

-No.

-Take my keys, but give me a call on the way back, so I know it's you, eh?

-OK.

Thanks for the presents, everyone.

I'm so sorry I can't come, Paul.

I just think everyone should have a good time on their birthdays, that's all. Right, happy birthday, mate.

He's not coming.

Not coming out on his birthday, but there you go. Each to their own, I suppose.

That's fine, go. Just go.

Thanks.

-Bye, everyone.

-It stinks in here, Becks.

-Steve's mum trod in dog shit.

-Oh.

Oh, she's got it all over the mat!

Oh, I hate the smell of shit, don't you, Shell?

So where do you want your chair?

Just there, facing the bed.

-Get me text?

-Yeah, thanks.

And what, do I just type in what I want her to do?

-Yeah, she does it, yeah.

-Poor cow.

-Yeah.

Do you want a copy of my speech?

Er, yep.

Thank you, brilliant. Brilliant.

Well, I'll leave you to it. Happy birthday.

-Shall I see myself out?

-Yeah. Bye, mate.

Bye, Steve.

GROANING COMES FROM COMPUTER

-(OUTSIDE) Sorry, I promised Jamie.

-Can we please hurry the fuck up?

OK, well, stop being annoying! Sorry, Steve, just getting the...

Can I just have a quick wee, Becks?

Oh, no! No, no, no.

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang when you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away I want to stay my whole life through

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang Close to you. #