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-LOUD RINGTONE -I will pay for you to get a different ringtone. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-You're not being useful, Steve. -Why does it need to be so loud? | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
Stop moaning and help me find it! | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
RINGING CONTINUES | 0:00:10 | 0:00:11 | |
-Oh, I don't get why you keep so much stuff in there. -I need it. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:19 | |
What?! | 0:00:19 | 0:00:20 | |
You need these? | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
Yes, I haven't finished them yet! | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
-RINGING CONTINUES -Why do you need a brush? | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
-When do you need to brush your hair during the day? -When it's windy. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:33 | |
It's got bits of crisps in here. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:34 | |
-Eurgh, you are filth! -RINGING CONTINUES | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
-It's Paul. -Oh, God... | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
-Probably wondering why we're not there yet. -Yeah. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
I'll put it on silent. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:50 | |
This programme contains strong language. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
MUZAK PLAYS ON PHONE | 0:01:14 | 0:01:15 | |
'Your call is in a queue, and will be answered as soon as one of our advisers becomes available. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:26 | |
'To make sure we've given you the best service we can, | 0:01:26 | 0:01:30 | |
'your call may be monitored to help us with training.' | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
-What's that? -Concealer. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Oh. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:36 | |
Why do you need that, then? | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
-You're funny(!) -Thank you. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
-PHONE CONNECTS -'Hello, thanks for ringing...' | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
Hello?! Hello. Hello, hello. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
I'm Steve Marshall. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:50 | |
O...P...8. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:58 | |
E...1...7. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
6...N...M. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:07 | |
No, N... | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
N, for Nicholas. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
M, for Marcus. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
Um...Mrs Doubtfire. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Janet Brophy. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
Oh, for God's sake... | 0:02:24 | 0:02:25 | |
-On hold again? -Yeah. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
Why d'you keep saying Mrs Doubtfire? | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
Oh, it's a security check. Favourite film. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
Your favourite film is Mrs Doubtfire? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
It's got some classic moments in it. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
LAUGHS | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
You're laughing just thinking about it? | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
She sets fire to her tits... | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
The lids. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
It's a he. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:53 | |
Oh, for God's sake...! | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
They're playing Candle In The Wind. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
They're starting to actually try and make me angrier. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
Is it an annoying song? | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
-What do you mean? -The song you're listening to, is it annoying? | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
What do you mean, the song I'm listening to? | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
The candle song, is it annoying? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
What do you mean "the candle song"?! It's Candle In The Wind! | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
Candle In The Wind, then! Is it annoying? | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
What is this? You know it's annoying! | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
How am I supposed to know? I've never heard it. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:31 | |
-Yes you have. -No I haven't. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
You've never heard Candle In The Wind? | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
No! | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
-Yes, you have. -No, I haven't! | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
It's by Elton John! | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
Like I listen to Elton John songs! | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
-What about when Diana died? -What about it? | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
It was the theme tune for her death. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
I was 11, Steve. I didn't watch the news. I wasn't a geek. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:59 | |
It's not geeky to have heard of Candle In The Wind. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
What time is it? Are we late? | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
Don't change the subject, you're being ridiculous. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
-Steve! -Yes, we're late. You've been dicking about in the mirror for an hour, I've been ready for ages. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:15 | |
Ouch! | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
-Oh... -What are you doing? -No! | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
-Cramp, cramp! I've got cramp, I've got cramp! -SHE LAUGHS | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
-You look funny. -Shut up, I'm in pain. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:28 | |
I think that's why you look funny. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
Fuck, fuck, fuck! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
You're going like that, yeah? | 0:04:36 | 0:04:37 | |
Yeah. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
It's a fancy-dress party. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
-So? -You're supposed to dress as something beginning with P. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
I'm not going to dress up, I'd look like a dick. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
You're supposed to look like a dick, that's the point. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
Luke's being a prick. Making everyone go in fancy dress. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
He's not being a prick, he's six years old. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
That's prickish behaviour. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
-He's Paul's son. -Don't care! | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
He was in hospital. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:02 | |
I can't believe you've never heard of Candle In The Wind! | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
Just dress as something beginning with P and shut the fuck up. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:14 | |
Stop it, I'm trying to concentrate! | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
Do you need your mouth open? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
Yes. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:39 | |
-Becks? -Yes? | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
Do you find it funny that he's called Luke and he... | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
had leukaemia? | 0:05:56 | 0:05:57 | |
No. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
Get off! | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
You're not allowed to make jokes like that. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
Well, it's not like he died, is it? | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
How's my spot? | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
Delicious. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
Oh, if that is Paul, you are in trouble. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
Sausage rolls! | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
Don't eat too many. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:38 | |
# Sausage rolls... # | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
Sorry, Dan, mate. Caught us at a really bad time, mate. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:49 | |
Paul's son's just come out of hospital today. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
He's just beaten leukaemia and we're having a fancy dress party for him and I'm helping out with the food. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:57 | |
So, thanks for calling round. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
Notice anything different about me? | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
-No. -Not wearing my glasses? | 0:07:04 | 0:07:08 | |
Oh, yeah! | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
Cool. Well... | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
How do you think I can see? | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
-Don't know. -Contact lenses. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
Contact lenses?! | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
-OK. Great. Thanks, Dan. -Do you think they'll work? | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
-Yes. -I'm going to try and win back Anita with the new Dan. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:30 | |
What's wrong with the old Dan? | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
-Is that a serious question? -I don't think so. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:41 | |
What's the theme of the fancy dress party? | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
We got to dress up as something beginning with P. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
-What are you going as? -I don't dress up. I'd look like a dick. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
Cool as. Cool as. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
What's Becky dressing up as? | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
-A policewoman. -Policewoman? | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
-Yep. -Can I...? -Not that kind of policewoman. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
Oh, shit. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
I've learned a magic trick. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
Magic trick? | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
Lock up your daughters. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
I'm going to buy a cape and perform it for Anita. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
Do you think that will work? | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
-What? -Nothing. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
-What? -Nothing! | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
-You look lovely, come on. -Steve? | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
Nothing! You look lovely! | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
-Not looking at anything. -I'm not looking at anything either. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
I'm looking at my phone. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
OK, good. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
My spot burst. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
-Did it? -Really? | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
I didn't notice. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
It's gone a bit bloody. Can you see it? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:58 | |
-Oh, yeah... -Now you mention it, it's just... | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
I'll clear it up. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:05 | |
Don't bother, it's fine. Just hurry up. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:09 | |
I've been ready for an hour. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
-It's like she physically can't hurry up. -Yeah, women! | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
Can I do anything else for you, Dan? | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
-No, no. -DOORBELL RINGS | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
Ooh, a visitor. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
You're staying, are you? | 0:09:25 | 0:09:26 | |
'Your call is in a queue and will be answered as soon as one of our advisors becomes available...' | 0:09:29 | 0:09:35 | |
-Hi, Laura. -Paul's not happy, Steve. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
You were meant to bring the sausage rolls over an hour ago. You're taking liberties. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:41 | |
What? | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
-You look nice. -Thank you, Steve. I'm meant to be a prostitute. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
Done a good job of that. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
-It's very accurate. -Why aren't you answering Paul's calls? -I'm on hold, | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
I can't hang up now. Somebody's stealing money from me. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
There's no sausage rolls at the party, Steve. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
-What kind of party doesn't have any sausage rolls? -It's like a riddle. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
I'm ready, OK? It's Becky that's holding everyone up. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
I'm not holding anyone up. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
I just want to look nice for little Lukey. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:15 | |
-You all right, Becks? -Yeah, nearly ready. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
Paul's going mad over there. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
-Yeah? -Yeah, been getting all uppity, threatening his uncle. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:27 | |
You saw him at Bonfire Night. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:28 | |
You know how he gets. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
Er... No, no, no! That's my toothbrush. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:34 | |
Well...you can always use this. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:40 | |
When are you going to get yourself another one? | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
SHE MUMBLES | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
It's your own fault for biting it. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
-BECKS MUMBLES -Why do you bite it? | 0:10:48 | 0:10:52 | |
You're the same with Polos, you're like a dog. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
I'm brushing my teeth! Why do you do that? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
-What? -Talk to me when I'm brushing my teeth? It's so annoying. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
-You're so annoying. -Very good. Very witty. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
-Just get ready. -I am ready! -See you in a bit, Laur. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:14 | |
Are you ready? | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
-What are you going as? -This. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
-A paedophile? -No, of course not! | 0:11:23 | 0:11:27 | |
What... What do you mean, a paedophile? | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
Your top button's done up. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Er... It's trendy. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:32 | |
It's paedophilic, Steve. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
God's sake. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:37 | |
I'm not dressing up. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
I'm sorry, you're dressing up, Steve. I'm Paul's fiancee. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
Luke had leukaemia and at the end of the day, he's a hero | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
and if he wants you to dress up as something beginning with P | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
then you're going to dress up as something beginning with P. Do you know what I'm saying? | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
Yes, Laura. I know what you're saying. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
Thank you. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Notice anything different about me? | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
Laura reckons I've got to dress up. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
Told you. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
I don't even like Luke! | 0:12:15 | 0:12:16 | |
Steve, he almost died. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
He's a little shit. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
Do you remember when he pitched my tit? | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
Yeah, the little shit. And he spat on me. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:29 | |
He's an ugly little bastard too. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
-Your hair? -No. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
Have you lost weight? | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
No, I'm trying, but I keep eating. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
-It's my glasses. -What about them? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
Not wearing any? | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
Do you wear glasses? | 0:12:47 | 0:12:48 | |
I've got contacts. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Ah. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
Pick a card. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
His eyebrows went wobbly. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:02 | |
He sang it at the funeral. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
Candle In The Wind. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
I don't know it! Leave me alone. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
'Your call will be answered as soon as one of our advisors becomes available. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:15 | |
'To make sure we're giving you the best service we can, | 0:13:15 | 0:13:20 | |
'your call may be monitored to help us with training.' | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
-Will you scratch my back for me? -Come here. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
Is it... | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
-er, two of spades? -Yeah. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
That's incredible. How d'you do it? | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
It's, er... It's magic. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
But seriously, how d'you do it? | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
-Magic. -No, but seriously. -Honestly, I'm magic. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:52 | |
Really? | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
Down a bit, down a bit, to the left. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Oh, that's it, that's it. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
Keep going, keep going. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
Up a bit. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
Ahh. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
What about that? You could go as a pirate. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
Everyone's going to go as a pirate. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
-Can you move things with your eyes? -Yep. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
-Can you? -Yeah! | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
Can you make it, like... How can I put it? | 0:14:22 | 0:14:26 | |
-Could you make everything in a room hover? -Yeah. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:32 | |
-Apart from the floor? -Certainly, yeah. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:36 | |
-You're taking the piss. -No, I'm not. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
-Is it free booze? -Hope so. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
Oh, he's beaten cancer. That's a free booze situation, isn't it? | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
You'd think so. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:49 | |
Mmm, could you just scratch it all over? | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
'To make sure we're giving you the best service we can, | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
'your call may be monitored to help us with training.' | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
Could you... | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
-Could you bring back someone from the dead? -Yep. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:06 | |
Could you make it rain indoors? | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
Absolutely. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
25th March, 1986. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
E17 6NM. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:25 | |
Uh-uh, uh-uh. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
N for Nicholas, M for Marcus. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
Mrs Doubtfire. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
Janet Brophy. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
-You all right? -Yeah. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
Did you know Dan's... | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
I don't know... | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
He said he could... | 0:15:46 | 0:15:47 | |
He's got this pack of cards and he reckons he's got these abilities to... | 0:15:49 | 0:15:55 | |
Oh, I don't know now. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
Sounds silly to say it out loud, but... | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
-So you got your prostitute clothes in the end? -Yeah. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
Yeah, I got the top of Shelley and the skirt, I got that off Shelley as well, and the shoes... | 0:16:03 | 0:16:08 | |
-I got it all off Shelley. -Mmm. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
-D'you have a phone number for Shelley? -No, Dan. -Come and help me with a fringe wash. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:15 | |
-What's a fringe wash? -Haven't I told you about the fringe wash? | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
Oh, my God, you're going to love it. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
MUFFLED VOICES | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
# Snookering you | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
# Snookering you | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
# Snookering you tonight. # | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
It's like a strimmer for a hedge. I don't even own a hedge. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
Why would I...? | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
# Big Break! # | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
For God's sake! | 0:17:41 | 0:17:42 | |
-Put me on hold again! -Have you ever actually seen a dog chase a cat? | 0:17:42 | 0:17:47 | |
D'you reckon you're in the way at all, Dan? | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
Pick a card. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
-Why've you got a pack of cards on you? -I just happen to have them on me. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
Steve's doing my head in. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
Keeps going on about this song by Elton John, Candle In The Wind. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:01 | |
-D'you know it? -Yeah, of course. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
Do you?! | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
Yeah, of course. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
# And it seems to me you lived your life | 0:18:07 | 0:18:11 | |
# Like a candle in the wind... # | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
-Oh, that? -Yeah. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
Of course I know it. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
That's embarrassing. SIRENS | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
Is it... | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
Ten of diamonds? | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
Yes. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
-How d'you do that? -It's magic. -Don't be a dick. Just tell me. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:35 | |
A magician never reveals his secrets. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
-Tell me or get out of my flat. -I've spent the past week learning the order of the cards, | 0:18:37 | 0:18:42 | |
so when you pick out a card, I know what it is from its position in the pack. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:47 | |
You've spent a week doing that? | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
Yeah, it gave me headaches. But Anita likes Derren Brown, so, you know. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:56 | |
Luke's so brave. He's really cute. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
He's dressed as a Pharaoh. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
Doesn't that begin with...? Oh. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
Yeah. And Luke's mum, Natalie, the slut, she got... | 0:19:05 | 0:19:10 | |
She got in this massive cake shaped like the Pyramids | 0:19:11 | 0:19:15 | |
and he threw it at this girl and she was covered in it | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
and she started crying and everyone was laughing. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
-It was mad. -So, d'you see, Laura? | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
I've just washed my fringe, but it looks like | 0:19:24 | 0:19:28 | |
-I've washed my whole hair. -That's amazing, Becks. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
-You should sell it. -Sell the fringe wash? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:35 | |
Yeah. You could make a fortune out of that. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
-D'you think? -Yeah. -Who'd buy it? | 0:19:38 | 0:19:42 | |
Busy people, women, busy women. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
It's how the Body Shop started. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
Yeah. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:51 | |
Four of hearts. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
Oh my God! | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
Three of spades. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
Dan, seriously. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
'Please remember, we can only help you with a billing enquiry...' | 0:20:08 | 0:20:12 | |
King of clubs. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
Dan, this is no way to spend your twenties. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
You don't have to wash it all. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
Have you been washing your hair? | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
-See? -That's amazing. -I just did the fringe. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
You are supposed to be hurrying up, not washing your hair! | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
So where d'you reckon I could buy a cape? | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
Debenhams? | 0:20:35 | 0:20:36 | |
-DOORBELL AND BANGING ON DOOR -Oh, God, that's Paul. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
We're going to get some bubbly to do a toast, but otherwise you have to pay for your own drinks. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:44 | |
That's annoying. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:45 | |
Have you seen my phone? | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
Um... | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
You're holding it, Beck. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
DOORBELL AND BANGING AT DOOR What a dick. | 0:20:56 | 0:21:00 | |
Paul's here. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:01 | |
THEY KEEP LAUGHING | 0:21:01 | 0:21:06 | |
DOORBELL AND BANGING AT DOOR | 0:21:08 | 0:21:09 | |
Answer the fucking door, Steve! | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
Steve! | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
-Hello, Paul, mate. You all right? -Where the fuck are the sausage rolls? | 0:21:19 | 0:21:23 | |
My little boy is going mental. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
There's a whole fucking party going on and there's not one single sausage roll. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:28 | |
Wow, Paul, I like your costume. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
-Thank you. -It's quite a costume, Paul. -Thank you. It's Postman Pat. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
Luke likes him. He's got the duvet. Mum's dressed as Mrs Goggins. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:37 | |
-That doesn't begin with P. -Fuck off! | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
Now where are the sausage rolls? | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
You had it in your hand, Becks! | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
I know! | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
You idiot. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:53 | |
I've been ready for nearly two hours. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
So what are you dressed as? A pillock? | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
No, I thought I'd go as myself. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
Yeah, that's what I said - a pillock. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
-LAUGHS -Sorry, it's just my sense of humour. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:10 | |
Are you seriously going as yourself? | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
Yeah. I thought I'd go as myself and not get dressed up and instead... | 0:22:12 | 0:22:16 | |
-I don't... -..instead honour Luke by putting on my best shirt. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:21 | |
-It is a nice shirt. -I don't fucking believe this! | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
You don't bring the sausage rolls, you're shitting about in your own clothes | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
when there's a whole section of a Witherspoon's roped off. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
They've put balloons up. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
They've let us smoke and it's full of adults and children, | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
all trying, like, trying, Steve, trying as hard as they can | 0:22:35 | 0:22:39 | |
-to dress up as something beginning with P. -PHONE RINGS | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
Oh, sorry, I... Ooh, got to take this. I'm reporting a fraud. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:46 | |
No, let me get that for you, mate. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
Fuck yourself! | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
Oh, no, they're going to think that was me! They're going to put that in my records. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:55 | |
Steve, Luke is my kid, and my kid loves sausage rolls. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:59 | |
You should have seen his face when he couldn't find one. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
-Smashed a window with his head. -Oh, no. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
On his special day. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
-I'm really sorry... -You've got a toy parrot. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
-I've played with it in this flat. You could have come as a pirate. -That's what I said, isn't it? | 0:23:10 | 0:23:14 | |
What about her? | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
She's not dressed up. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
-I'm a policewoman, Steve. -You've put on a hat. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
-Policewoman's hat. -You're wearing what you wore last night. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:25 | |
She's clearly dressed as a policewoman. Anyone can see that. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
She's made the effort, Steve, because she is a decent human being | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
and she's not some lazy, shit-eating piece of shit. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:36 | |
You haven't even got a TV licence. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
Why are you bringing that up? | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
-Cos it really annoys me. -She's lazier than I am. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
-No, I'm not. -I'm the one that goes and gets everything. I'm always going down the chip shop. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:49 | |
I wonder why. I've seen you with the girls in there with your horrible little grin. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:54 | |
At least she's got a heart, Steve. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
At least she's got a heart. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
Yeah? At least I've heard of Candle In The Wind. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
-What are you talking about? I've heard of it. -You liar! | 0:24:01 | 0:24:05 | |
Course I've heard of it. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:06 | |
Everyone's heard of it. It's one of the best songs of all time. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
We're thinking of having it as our first dance. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
Stop trying to be a prick, Steve. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
-You haven't made an effort. -Exactly. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
It's atrocious. I mean, look at Paul. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
He's made the effort. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
He's got a sack. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:23 | |
What's in the sack, Paul? | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
Letters. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
You see? | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
He's a postman. He'd have letters. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
And in the bag? | 0:24:34 | 0:24:35 | |
Jess. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
Oh, come on, that's funny. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
He's got letters and a Jess. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
Luke's just gone through a matter of life and death and you're standing there laughing at him. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:50 | |
-I wasn't laughing at HIM. -Yes, you were. -I was laughing at Jess. And it's not my fault we're late. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:54 | |
Becky's been doing her make-up, washing her hair... | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
It was a fringe wash, Steve. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
-A fringe wash. -What's a fringe wash all of a sudden? | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
My little boy is a hero. He beat cancer at the age of six. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
What were you doing at the age of six? Playing with your dad's dick? | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
-Sucking yourself off? -OK, Paul, that's enough. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
-Luke's blood cells were fucked. -OK, Paul... | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
Now, you get in there and you dress up as a fucking python or something, because otherwise... | 0:25:13 | 0:25:18 | |
-OK, Paul, I said that's enough. You're being aggressive. -No, I'm not! | 0:25:18 | 0:25:22 | |
If Steve doesn't want to dress as something beginning with P, | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
then Steve won't dress as something beginning with P. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:29 | |
OK? | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
Paul's mum's going as Mrs Goggins. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
That doesn't begin with P. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:35 | |
Oh, he hasn't even heated them up. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
I'll see you there. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
BANGING ON DOOR | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
He forgot Jess. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
Jess. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
I've got him. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
Come on, Dan, time for you to go as well. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
Haven't got my cards. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:21 | |
Yes, I have. Phew. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
Bye, then. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
I don't have a horrible little grin, do I? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
Yeah, course. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
You look like a rapist. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
Did you get through to HSBC? | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
Nah, couldn't be bothered. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
I'll try again tomorrow. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
-Guess we'd better go, then. -Yeah. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
We are properly late. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
Yeah, we are. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
Yep, I think Paul will actually kill me if I don't get there soon. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:13 | |
Yeah, he will. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
He was proper angry. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
-Yeah, we should definitely go. -Yes. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
We must. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:26 | |
You have to pay for your drinks. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
-Really? -Yeah. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
-No free bar? -Nope. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:44 | |
Shall we just stay in and have sex? | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
Yeah, fuck it. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
# Come closer and cuddle me tight | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang when you are near | 0:27:53 | 0:27:58 | |
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
# It's such a lovely feeling | 0:28:01 | 0:28:06 | |
# When I'm in your arms... # | 0:28:06 | 0:28:09 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:16 | 0:28:19 |