The Football Him & Her

Oh, that's a corner!

FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV

Oh, bloody hell!

-How did he miss that?

-No-one went up with him.

-See that, Dad? No-one went up with him.

-Your mum could have scored that.

This programme contains some strong language.

Does anyone remember 9/11?

-Steve?

-What?

Do you remember 9/11?

Yeah, of course I remember 9/11.

Well, me and Paul watched this documentary last night on the internet.

-And apparently, it was all a hoax.

-Laura.

I'm trying to watch the match.

-Foul!

-Dad, did you see that?

-It was a foul.

-Oh! Off! Off! Off!

Fat brick of shit, ref.

Should have sent him off.

Apparently, George W Bush faked the whole of 9/11

because of oil, and for his dad, who's also called George W Bush.

And all the people jumping out of the planes were actors.

Or stunt men. You know, people trained at jumping out of buildings.

I wouldn't be surprised if Prince Philip had a hand in it.

-After what he did to Diana...

-Laura!

-We're trying to watch the football!

-All right, we're all trying to watch the football.

I can't hear the commentary!

No-one likes the commentary.

-I do.

-OK, Steve, stop showing off.

I'm not showing off.

I'm always like this.

-Come on, come on, come on.

-Go on, son.

Go on.

ALL: Oh!

-MOBILE RINGS

-Sorry.

-Win it, win it!

-Hiya.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Cool. It's near the Goose, behind the KFC they burned down.

Becks, do you want to chuck in a pizza?

Why can't you do it?

-You're better at it than I am.

-I can't hear you, you're cutting out.

I don't live here, I'm not checking on the oven.

OK. We'll both do it.

-That was nice, that was very nice.

-I still can't hear you.

Yeah, that's better.

Sorry. Steve, what number are you?

-Number 12, flat B.

-It's number 12, flat B.

All right. OK.

All right, see you in a bit.

She's such a laugh.

-Who was that?

-Gaynor. A girl I met at Faces.

-Is she coming over?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Sorry, I didn't quite catch her name.

Gay. Yeah, Gay. Gaynor.

Gaynor what?

Alan.

-You're going out with someone called Gay Alan!

-What's your problem?

No, nothing. It's fine.

I think I'll refer to her as Gaynor.

Gay Alan?

Why wouldn't you let me touch your tit?

Why were you shouting at Laura?

She's the most annoying person in the history of the human race.

She's not annoying, Steve, she's my sister.

-The Nazis designed an annoying person.

-What's wrong with you today?

Why wouldn't you let me touch your tit?

-Don't touch my tit in front of my sister.

-But I wanted to touch your tit.

I don't care, it's my tit, I decide who gets to touch it.

What?

I like Skittles.

What's wrong with you today?

-I had a dream about you, I don't know what to do.

-That rhymed.

-Becky.

-It was just a dream.

It didn't seem like it at the time.

ALL: Oh! Come on!

-I was trying to find something...

-Can this wait until after the match?

You know, this elephant, for some reason. And I'd lost it.

-How can you lose an elephant?

-And I looked up...

and you were getting shagged by your ex-boyfriend Lee over a bin.

It's not funny.

-There was half a dozen men standing around watching.

-Just say six.

And he looked me in the eye,

and he had a cigar out the side his mouth, and this massive grin.

And he looked me in the eye, and he said, "Awooga!"

(BECKS LAUGHS)

He said "Awooga"?

Yeah, "Awooga".

-As in Kriss...

-Kriss Akabusi's catchphrase, yeah.

OK. OK, I'm going to watch the football, you're being ridiculous.

It was horrible. You were really enjoying it.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Hello, Paul, mate, come in. Nil-nil.

-Laura!

-Bloody hell, that was right in my ear.

-Hello, handsome, what do you think of my hair?

-I need a word.

I was saying to Greavesie. That's what this world attacks.

Yep, definitely.

Two footballers or ex-footballers who are mates in real life, and make a programme about it.

Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle sat on a sofa, banging the world to rights.

Brilliant. And Venables.

I'd love to go for a drink with Venables.

Dad, were Glen Hoddle and Chris Waddle actually mates, or was it just because their names rhymed?

They were mates. I think they had a sports shop together.

Steve's mum saw them in there once, didn't she?

Hm?

Are you going through my phone?

No.

-Your mum met Glenn Hoddle, didn't she?

-Yeah, at his sports shop.

I think he co-owned it with Chris Waddle.

So why is my phone face down?

I never leave it face down, it scratches the screen.

What's wrong with you, I haven't touched your phone.

Has he?

-I didn't see him.

-No, he weren't looking at nothing, Becks.

OK. Sorry.

-Is this going to be another one of your grudges?

-No, it's fine.

I'm sorry.

-Wing it!

-Come on!

Oh!

-So you ARE looking through my phone!

-No, of course not!

Just checking to see if the screen's scratched.

-Is it?

-No.

Thank God.

Good.

It just looked like you were going through my phone.

-Why would I do that?

-I don't know. Probably looking for texts from Lee.

-One would Lee be texting you?

-DOOR BELL RINGS

Better get that.

Have you been texting Lee?

No. Of course not.

Good, well, I ain't been going through your phone, OK?

I'm not a bloody mentalist.

We've just hit the bar.

Steve, kitchen, now.

Becky, we're having a family conference.

I'm watching the football.

-Book him, ref!

-Ref, book him.

-Referee!

-What's more important? Family or football?

-Family?

-Thank you.

You can watch the highlights.

OK, Becks. Steve? Where's Steve?

-Here.

-OK, Steve, sit down.

Paul's got something he needs to tell you.

In your own time.

-HE MUMBLES

-Is it Luke?

Luke's fine.

Say it, Paul.

Um.

Come on, mate, come on.

Hurry up and say it, Paul.

I'm...

I'm adopted.

He's adopted.

He found out this afternoon, didn't you?

He had a showdown with his mum.

-She's not my mum.

-He had a showdown with his ex-mum.

I've been lied to my entire life by these ugly fucking bullshitters.

I really feel for you, Paul.

Thanks, Becks.

-Yeah, I'm, I'm really sorry to hear about it too, mate.

-Thanks, mate.

Thanks, Steve.

I trashed their fucking house. Wankers.

BUZZER

Well, the pizzas are ready.

My real mum put me up for adoption as soon as I was born. She was 15.

That's really awful, Becks. It sounds like his mum's a right slut.

There's a hole inside me.

He means an emotional hole, not an actual one.

I mean, like, who is Paul?

It may not even be my real name.

I'm a nobody. Nothing.

I..

I... Nothing.

Steve, stop looking at the pizzas!

Sorry. I can smell them.

For God's sake, Steve, I'm in crisis.

I had an early lunch.

Shit. Nobody fucking cares, do they?

-So what if he's adopted?

-Go for it.

It's not worth missing the football.

I'd love to be adopted.

Find my real parents, make them feel guilty, and just get them to buy me stuff.

Yeah. Make them feel awful.

I'd at least get a dinner out of it.

Oh, how's it going, Paul?

It's just a lie, Becky. Just a lifetime of lies.

-Oh.

-Come on, County!

So sorry to hear about all that, mate.

Awful. Listen, why don't we have some beers and pizza, eh?

Watch the match.

-Take your mind off it?

-It's a good match.

I'll lend you a Morse DVD, if you like.

Yeah, all right then.

Good. Now, Paul, you go through and have some pizza with the lads.

-And I'll download a ringtone with Becks.

-Or we could watch football.

-No.

-OK.

I need a new ringtone, Becks, I've had this one for a week.

OK.

I'm so proud of Paul.

He's handling it so well. How do I get onto the internet?

Er, Steve usually steals it from Dan.

What's his password?

-Danlovesmilfs. All one word.

-Danlovesmilfs?

-Yeah.

Didn't take us long to guess it.

-You all right, Paul?

-Yeah.

How's things at Ryman's?

-We ran out of staplers.

-Oh, right.

-We ordered some more in.

-Thank God for that, eh?

We went to strip club last night, didn't we, Dad?

Yeah.

-Oh!

-Oh, he should have scored that, shouldn't he?

-Donkey.

Yeah, it was one of those ones where you pay them a little bit extra

and they let you touch them, didn't they?

You can touch their tits, arse, legs.

I tried to stick my finger in, she punched me in the eye.

What do you think of this one?

MUSIC: "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls

Yeah, it's wicked.

You ever been to a strip club, Steve?

No. I'd feel like a plonker.

It's so expensive, isn't it, Dad?

Pay all that money and then they're just Polish birds with dykey hair.

-They did have very dykey hair.

-Dykey hair?

-Yeah.

-Oh, is a phrase?

-Yeah, dykey hair, isn't it, Dad?

-Yeah.

Hair like a dyke.

It's much cheaper to get a whore.

Is it?

Yeah. I mean, they're not as attractive as the strippers.

-No, no, they're a lot more weather-beaten.

-Yeah.

But they'll do anything for heroin.

Imagine me doing this on the train.

Yeah.

I'd basically become the most famous person on the train, Becks.

And everyone would know who I am.

-He's a natural. He's got funny bones.

-Yeah, he's proper funny.

-Who's that?

-Oh, Ollie.

-Ollie?

-We don't know his surname.

He's just started driving the 357, the black fella.

-Yeah, with the voices.

-That's him.

Get him to teach the other drivers how to make travelling more fun.

He's a natural.

-He's great, isn't he?

-Black people are always fun.

-What?

-What does that mean?

Well, not in a racist way. I mean it as a good thing.

How can it be a good thing?

Well, it's a compliment.

How can it be racist if it's a compliment?

Yeah, but what do you mean?

I didn't mean anything.

How are black people fun?

Kriss Akabusi. He's fun.

Erm. Nelson Mandela, he's, he's really fun, he's always smiling and waving and shit.

Um, Trevor McDonald.

He's the most fun newsreader of his generation.

Steve's got the point. Trevor McDonald is proper funny.

He done that dance on Children in Need.

-Yeah? What about Moira Stewart then?

-Good one.

-OK.

This is just getting silly. Clearly I didn't mean all black people are fun just because they're black.

Stood all around, about half... six, all watching.

Six is the number of the devil, Becks.

OK.

All watching Lee shagging me over a bin.

-Lee!

-I know.

And Lee looked him in the eye, and said,

"Awooga!"

Why was he doing you over a bin?

-I don't know.

-It's so uncomfortable over a bin.

Oh! I'm obviously not a racist.

So can we please just watch the football?

All right, define what you mean by fun?

Yeah, because I find this offensive, and I'm not even black.

I don't believe this.

-What's going on?

-It's Steve, he keeps...

OK, it's nothing, it's nothing.

-Steve?

-Sorry.

-Well, he was saying about Ollie whatever his name is...

-We don't know his surname.

Ollie, drives a bus, sometimes has a moustache, black.

Careful, Steve.

Anyway, he's adopted. Paul was telling us his unfortunate news.

We got talking about Ollie.

And I said he's just started driving a bus, and he makes it a fun bus.

He makes fun announcements on his bus.

Yeah, like, when he speaks over the tannoy, he does an impression of Donald Duck.

And sometimes he wears a hat.

-And Steve said...

-All I said was, and not in a racist way, all I said

was, it's because sometimes some black people can sometimes be fun.

It's not what you said.

You lying shit, you said "are".

Are always fun.

Always, whatever, I got it wrong, OK? I was distracted because I was looking through...

-Looking through what?

-Nothing!

I'm not a racist.

OK. Let's just watch the football.

They're not fun, they're a very serious race.

I didn't... I didn't mean to be racist.

-No-one means to be racist, Steve.

-Can we just watch the football?

Steve's not a racist.

-Thank you.

-He fancies Halle Berry.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-Should have said.

-That's all right then.

We fancy her, don't we? Yeah.

-And Whoopi Goldberg.

-Oh, mate!

-Becky.

-Steve.

-No, not now.

She was really hot in The Color Purple.

MOBILE RINGTONE

Hi Shelley, did you get my text?

Yeah. He's adopted. His real mother gave him up at birth.

Mm. She was 15. And a bit of a slag, if I'm honest.

-No-one knows who his real dad was, because she was doing about five boys at once.

-Laura!

I mean, they were a very loving family but, Paul never fitted in.

-I guess now we know why.

-Laura!

Laur, do you want to take it outside?

The fact of the matter is, Shelley, his pretend mum didn't have a womb.

-Laura!

-Sorry, Shells, Steve's being a sexist prick.

I'll call you back later. Oh, did you get my text about my new hair?

Yeah, but with clips.

-Laura. Please!

-All right.

Bye, Shell. Bye.

Oh, Jesus! How did he drop that?

-Dreadful. My mum could have caught that.

-Sorry, Steve, Or should I say, "awooga"?

-Did you tell her?

-Of course not.

-DOORBELL

-If you've told her...

-Answer the door.

-HE FARTS

-EVERYONE: Oh!

-I got up too quick.

Seriously, it's like going out with a child.

ALL: Aw!

Hi. Is Barney there?

Yeah, come in. Come in. I'm Steve.

-Nice to meet you, Steve.

-Hi.

Gay Allan's here.

Hello, love. Everyone, this is Gay.

Gay, everyone. You know my dad.

Hi, everyone. Hi, Mike.

You all right, sweetheart. My boy treating you right?

Yeah, he's lovely.

I taught him everything he knows.

-Oh, that's a corner.

-It's nil-nil.

Great. Well, there's everything to play for.

You seem like a nice and polite young lady, Gaynor.

-Thank you.

-It's nice to see Barney with a decent human being, not like that fat slob Michelle.

-What do you do, love?

-She's a nurse, aren't you?

Not quite. Do you know Whipps Cross Hospital?

-I was born there.

-We all were.

Oh, that's nice.

I sort of help out on the children's ward, looking after the kids, cheering them up, having fun.

What?

Do you knew anything about RSI, I get it in my arms?

-I've told you, go and see a doctor about it.

-Yes, I know, but I thought Gaynor might have overhead a surgeon

or a nurse talking about it on the children's ward.

I am afraid not. I'm usually dressed like a clown or doing a silly dance to amuse them.

-Oh, well done, it's very noble of you.

-I don't know about that.

We just have a lot of fun.

What?

Steve's got this theory, Gay.

It's not a theory.

Black people are always fun.

It was a joke, it was an anti-racist comment, and I've apologised for it.

We all find his opinions despicable.

Well, he's got a point, in a way.

OK, but I wasn't trying to make a point.

It's not that black people are fun, it's just that white people are all so boring!

Gaynor. This is Paul, my fiance.

Oh, congratulations.

-Thank you.

-Hi, Paul.

Just so you know, normally he's the life and soul,

but he's very sad at the moment because he's just found out he's adopted.

Hm.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Thanks.

Er, do you want a drink, Gay?

-Lager?

-That would be lovely.

-Give me two of them and I'll be anyone's.

-Better get her three then!

Are you going to help me, Becks?

Why do you need help getting a can out of the fridge?

Becks?

She waves when she says hello, even though I'm sat right in front of her.

Are you being racist again?

No!

I can't... Do you know, it would annoy me whatever colour her skin was.

It annoys me when my nan does it.

I can't believe everyone thinks I'm racist.

Well, if you don't want everyone to think you're a racist, then you shouldn't say racist things.

It's just...

-Becky?

-Oh, don't use that voice.

-What a voice?

-"Becky."

-I need to ask you something.

-It's not about Lee, is it?

-Of course it's not.

Did you have sex with Lee on a bin?

Or near a bin, or like, using a bin.

Or shouting "Awooga"? While six men watched?

-SHOUTING AT THE TV

-Oh, you absolute donkey!

Shut up about your stupid dream,

and let's watch the football.

OK.

Oh, did you see Laura's dykey hair?

When did "dykey hair" suddenly become a phrase?

Oi, oi, oi, oi.

Mike tried to finger a stripper.

I don't want to know.

-Still nil-nil.

-Yeah, missed a penalty.

I used your shower gel as bubble bath, I hope that's OK.

-Yeah, of course.

-Thanks.

Brushed my teeth.

What's the score?

Nil-nil. But we missed loads of chances.

"We"?

Dan. Just so you know, because everyone else knows, Paul's adopted.

-Bad luck, mate.

-Yeah, let's not get into that one again.

-OK. Not a bad thing. Loads of famous people are adopted.

-Leave it.

Yeah. Of course.

-Like who?

-Marilyn Monroe.

-Was she?

-Yep. Bill Clinton.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Jesus.

-You're in good company, Paul.

Just because his mother rejected him doesn't mean everyone else will.

Come on, go on! Go on!

ALL: Yes!

Quality!

Go on, you!

Yeah!

# Come closer and cuddle me tight

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang when you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away, I wanna stay my whole life through

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang close to you. #