The Parents Him & Her

This programme contains some strong language

-I don't know if I'm hungry or bored.

-I can't hear you, your head's outside.

I said, I don't know if I'm hungry or bored.

Oh, right, yeah.

Are you OK?

Yeah. Just really need a wee and I can't be bothered to go.

Huh.

-It's all that milk.

-Have your parents texted yet?

HER SPEECH IS INAUDIBLE

What?

HER SPEECH IS MUFFLED

Becky, if you wanna speak to me, put your head inside the room.

I said, how can I still be hungry after all this shit we've eaten?

All right, all right!

How can a fridge just break?

Has your fart gone yet?

Yeah, just about.

That was a real stinker.

It's what happens when you eat a whole block of Cheddar.

How much ham do you reckon I can fit into my mouth? Put that down.

I'm trying to see if it's actually shatterproof.

Of course, it is, I've had it since I was four. Put it down!

I hate Sundays.

For fuck's sake.

Did I tell you about the girl with no hole?

-What?

-We had this girl at school who didn't have a hole.

What does that even mean?

-Do you want another choc ice?

-No. I'll be sick.

-So, all right, so what, did this girl have a dick?

-No.

She had a clitoris

and a piss hole and a bum hole, but she didn't have a hole hole.

Oh, my God.

She went to hospital

-and they dug one out for her.

-Dug?!

Are you nervous?

No, of course not, I don't get nervous.

My Dad's going bowling,

Mum and Laura are doing wedding things, so they won't stay long.

Just thought if you need your fridge fixed, it'd be nice for you to meet them.

Becks, honestly, it's fine.

I'm a people person.

-What?!

-You're not a people person.

Yes, I am. I'm good with people.

-No, you're not.

-Yes, I am.

Just worried they'll compare me to Lee.

You're a million times better than Lee.

He used to take me to garden centres.

He made us watch the news.

OK, then.

Do you reckon anything's truly shatterproof?

Yeah, of course it is. They wouldn't say it's shatterproof if it wasn't shatterproof. Put it down!

Five choc ices in one morning.

You're incredible.

Fuck off.

So how did this girl piss, then?

I told you, she had a piss hole.

If you had to give up either your piss hole, your bum hole or your hole hole, which would it be?

That was a new low.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE

It's Dan, let's get him in.

Oh, are you that bored? I'm tidying.

We'll give him a choc ice.

Dan, great to see you. Why don't you come in?

I was actually just headed upstairs.

Don't be silly. We've got choc ices.

Erm, this is Paris.

She's my, erm, girlfriend.

-Hi.

-Hello.

Hi.

-Sorry, I assumed you weren't together.

-We're just headed upstairs.

Right.

-It's nice to meet you.

-Thanks.

-Sorry, I didn't... I didn't catch your name.

-Paris.

-Paris?

-Paris.

Choc ice?

Yes, please.

And one for Paris.

The fridge broke. I'm trying to eat 'em before they melt.

-Yeah, Becky's Dad's coming over to fix it.

-OK.

-How did you two meet?

-Yeah, funny really, erm,

our eyes met across a bar, wasn't it, love?

Er, we got chatting for ages, about the EU.

-Sort of went from there.

-The EU?

Yeah.

-Do you feel strongly about the EU?

-Oh, don't get her started!

-We'd better be off.

-Right.

-Lots to do.

-Nice to meet you, Paris.

-OK.

-Have a nice afternoon.

-We will. Bye.

BOTH: Bye!

-Oh, my God.

-What was that?

Oh, my God!

MOBILE RINGS

-Well, do you think, do you think she's a hooker?

-Dunno.

All right, Mum?

-You'll never guess what Dan's...

-Do you really think she's a prostitute?

Well, her skirt was far too short for her age.

Argh!

Ah!

Oh.

Oh.

TEXT ALERT TONE

What?

What?

Oh, my God, what's happened?

Steve?

Tell me what's wrong?

My uncle.

My Uncle Pierce died.

Oh, Steve, I'm so sorry.

How did he die?

Or don't you wanna talk about it?

He died in his sleep.

Oh, God. That's awful.

Just went to bed last night and he didn't wake up.

-God, that's terrible.

-Yeah.

HE SIGHS

I didn't know you had an Uncle Pierce.

He was my great uncle - my Nan's brother.

Oh, right.

He was 96.

Oh, I see.

I thought you meant a real uncle.

Well, he was a real uncle.

No, like an actual uncle.

He was an actual uncle.

No, I know, but you know what I mean - a proper uncle.

Your Mum or your Dad's brother - a middle-aged one.

-Why are you being like this?

-I'm not being like anything.

Good.

I mean you've never even mentioned an Uncle Pierce.

Becky!

-He fought in the war.

-So?

I bet you don't even know which war.

Why are you being like this?

My mum's really upset.

Course she is, poor thing, he was her actual uncle.

Now hurry up and do your wee.

My parents just texted, they're nearly here.

Oh, fuck! Well, I can't, I can't meet 'em like this, I'm in mourning.

You'll be fine, you're a people person.

SHE SNIGGERS

Go and do your wee.

I don't want my parents smelling your stinky piss.

It doesn't stink.

It stinks of Sugar Puffs.

He fought in the war. He fought in one of the wars.

-I hope you're collecting the clippings.

-Course, I am.

-Good.

Fed up finding your toenails everywhere.

(Oh, fuck.)

-So, er, when did you last see your Uncle Pierce?

-Just shut up and put that plate away.

DOORBELL RINGS

Cos you never mentioned him in the seven months I've known you.

Oh, Becky, please. Just keep them at the door, I'm getting changed.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hello, you all right, Mum?

-Hi. Hi, Dad.

-You all right, love?

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-This is Steve.

-Hello.

Nice to meet you. I'm Jill.

-Hi Jill, it's nice to meet you. I'm Steve.

-Oh.

-Hello, Steve, mate. Nigel.

-Hi, Nigel, it's nice to meet you.

Heard a lot about you - none of it good.

Thanks for coming to fix the fridge, it's, er...

Ooh, you've got a big tool box. Ooh-er.

-Can I take it for you?

-OK.

-So you found the flat all right, then?

-Yes.

-Yeah, past all the drug dealers and hoodies, Steve.

-Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

No, but seriously, actually it can get quite rough round here.

Last week we had a rape, at knife-point. It was a nasty business.

Think I could hear her screaming.

But it could have been a fox.

-Shall we go through?

-Yeah, I think so.

Can I get anyone a drink? Jill?

-Can I have a cup of tea, Steve?

-No.

-Yeah, course you can.

-White, no sugar, please.

Well, that's funny. That's how I take it.

-Nigel?

-I'm fine, thanks, Steve.

I didn't ask if you was fine, I asked if you wanted a drink.

Yeah, I'm all right, thanks, Steve.

-Sure?

-Yeah, absolutely.

-Sure you're sure?

-Sure I'm sure.

Sure you're sure you're sure?

Steve's just had a piece of bad news.

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Steve.

-Yeah.

-His Nan's...

-My uncle sadly just passed away.

I'm very sorry to hear that, Steve.

Thank you, Nigel. Yeah.

He actually died in his sleep.

-How old was he?

-He was 96.

Oh... Right.

-So, he wasn't actually your...

-He was his Nan's brother.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

OK.

Uh huh.

I'll get that drink.

Is it OK to sit here?

Yeah, of course.

There are toenails on it.

Oh, sorry.

Steve's.

Does anyone want a yoghurt?

They were going off, so I bought 20.

I think we're fine, thanks, Steve.

-Jill?

-No, thanks, Steve.

-I think we're fine.

-Nigel?

-No.

-Are you sure you're sure?

-Yeah.

We don't want any yoghurt, thanks, Steve.

-Everyone sure they don't want a yoghurt?

-Yes.

Sure you're sure?

-Yes!

-Yeah.

-Yes.

OK.

Better see if he needs a hand.

-Thought I'd, er...

-Thanks.

How am I doing?

Yeah. All right.

-Well, what do you mean, "all right"?

-You're being a bit over friendly.

No, I'm not.

I'm being friendly.

You offered them 20 out-of-date yoghurts.

You went on about a rape.

Oh, don't, Oh, all right, well just...just leave me alone.

-Doing better than Lee, though, ain't I?

-Stop worrying about Lee.

-Just be yourself.

-How am I supposed to do that?

I'll have a look at that fridge now, shall I?

Ah, Nigel. It's the hero of the hour.

I'll take these through to Mum.

Right.

Thanks, Becks.

-Coming home tonight?

-No, I'll stay here.

Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Steve seems nice.

Yeah.

I think he's a bit nervous.

Yeah... He doesn't mean anything bad by it.

-Er, well, let me know if you need a hand, Nigel.

-Yeah, will do, Lee.

-Steve.

-Steve.

Sorry, Steve.

-You look like him.

-Right.

Don't worry.

So I hear you're going bowling this afternoon, Nigel?

-Yeah, we're in a league.

-Brilliant.

Yeah, we meet up every Sunday and book a lane for the day and practise all afternoon,

play a match in the evening, have a few beers.

That sounds fantastic, Nig.

Nigel.

Nigel. So what is it, like friends from work or..?

Normally it's me, Lee, Lee's dad, who's also called Lee,

Arnold, who runs the scouts - used to be Lee's akela.

-Did he?

-But since Lee's been in Afghanistan, his cousin Mick's been coming down.

What's he doing in Afghanistan?

Fighting the Taliban.

OK.

-So, see my uncle who, er, who died. He actually fought in the war.

-Your nan's brother?

-Yeah, my...my uncle.

-Nan's brother.

This is the section on veils.

Oh, that's nice.

I think Laura would look lovely in a veil.

Just something to, you know...

-Yeah.

-Not hide her face, but...

-I know what you mean.

-Yeah.

So how was...how was Homebase?

-Did you get anything?

-Yeah.

Yeah, it was good, actually.

You know much about tiling a floor?

Er... No.

Oh, OK.

It's, erm, it's...it's,

it's nice we have actually got this moment together, Nigel, cos I,

I wanted to have a word with you about, well, about Rebecca and my...

Well, my feelings for her She's, erm...

Well, she's...

She's a really special person, as I mean I'm sure you know.

-Oh, you stupid fuck.

-Sorry?

-You silly fucking sod.

-Er...OK.

DOORBELL RINGS

-You're a silly fucking idiot, aren't you?

-Yep.

-There's nothing wrong with the fridge. You just turned the thermostat down.

-The what?

You know what a thermostat is?

Er, yeah, course. Mm.

My mum's got one on her wall.

There's nothing wrong with the fridge,

you just turned the thermostat down, you twat. Total fucking pillock.

NIGEL LAUGHS

-How's it going?

-Hello, love.

-Hey, Laura, it's great to see you.

-Careful, I'm wearing a brooch.

Oh, sorry, it's just... it's just great to see you. Wow, you look amazing.

-It's nice of you to notice, for once.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, yeah, great. We're getting on like a house on fire.

-How's the fridge?

-You want to tell them?

-Erm, well, er, well, there was a problem with

the thermostat, but, er, Nigel flew to the rescue and fixed it.

-Ah, good.

-Well done, love.

-Well done, Dad.

-"Problem with the thermostat"?

-Yeah!

-Anyone want a chip? I made them especially, after the fridge broke.

-Didn't break.

-Stopped working.

-I won't, thank you, Steve, we're about to go to a wedding shop, so...

Oh, I love weddings!

-I love 'em. I can't wait.

-Are you taking the piss?

No, no, I actually... actually can't wait.

I was saying to Rebecca earlier, weren't I?

I think it's going to be the highlight of the year.

Well, Steve, we haven't finalised the invitations, as of yet.

OK.

But he'll be invited? I'm a bridesmaid.

Well, no, sshh. It doesn't matter.

There are limited places, mate, I mean...

-You've only been going out seven months.

-It's costing us over 20 quid a head.

That's, er... That's fine, that's fine.

I com...completely understand.

I don't, I... Thank you. I don't mind, I don't mind paying for myself, if it's a, if it's a problem.

Shall we move into the bedroom, rather than being all scrunched up in here?

Oh, I've got a lovely wedding magazine for you, Laura.

-Oh, thanks, Mum.

-It's got all the latest trends in it.

Veils are very fashionable this year.

I don't want a veil, Mum, I want everyone to see my face.

We should get going. The shops shut at four - only gives us three hours.

You said it was shatterproof.

There's no such thing as completely shatterproof, otherwise they'd make planes out of it.

MUFFLED NOISES AND BUMPING

Ooh, that'll be Dan. He lives upstairs.

He's a funny one, isn't he, Beck, er, Rebecca?

Yeah, he's an odd one.

I mean, I shouldn't be mean, but he came round today with a...with a new girlfriend.

Strange lady. They made a funny pair, didn't they? Very odd.

Mmm.

Mayo?

MUFFLED NOISES AND BUMPING

You'll have a chip, won't you, Nigel?

-I'm all right.

-Sure?

-Sure I'm sure.

MUFFLED YELLING AND BUMPING

FROM ABOVE: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Well, er...

That was awkward.

ALL CHUCKLE

Oh, God!

BUMPING ABOVE RESTARTS

It's a...it's a lovely day, isn't it, Jill?

-Yes.

-Spring's in the air.

-Yeah.

And evenings are getting lighter.

RUMPUS ABOVE CONTINUES

It was a bit cold yesterday, though, Laura?

It was a bit chilly, yes, Steve.

You just...you don't know what to do, do you?

-Do you? "Do I take a jumper? Do I not take a jumper?"

-Yes, exactly.

RUMPUS ABOVE CONTINUES

I'm thinking of becoming a Community Support Officer.

Are you?

Are you, Steve?

Yep. Just to give something back, you know.

Or I'm going to mentor a troubled teenager.

OK.

Or donate my bone marrow.

RUMPUS FROM ABOVE GETS LOUDER

Feel sorry for the poor sod who gets your bone marrow.

LAURA GUFFAWS

-Dad.

-Nigel.

-I feel sorry for him, as well.

-Come on, then, let's get going.

-His bone marrow's probably as useless as the rest of him.

-But there's no need to point it out.

-Maybe you should get going.

-Yes, I think that's a good idea.

Oh, already? No, we've only just started.

-Well, some of us have got weddings to plan.

-Right, well, er...

-Well, er, thanks for fixing the fridge.

-Didn't need fixing.

Yeah, it... Yeah, he's just being modest.

Well, it was, erm,

it was lovely to meet you both.

So I'll see you in the week? I'll be staying at home Wednesday, I think.

-Steve's seeing his Mum.

-Hey, Steve.

Ooh - people. Hello, everyone.

-Er, this is Dan.

-I'm Steve's friend from upstairs.

-It's a neighbour.

-Nice to meet you.

Er, this is, erm, my, erm, friend, Paris.

-We were just, er, going to the cash point.

-OK.

-I'll explain later.

-OK Dan, see you.

Well, it was really nice to meet you both.

-Good luck with the job search, Steve.

-Yeah.

-And let us know if we can help.

-We have a family friend that's in the army, don't we?

-Yeah.

He's in Afghanistan at the moment. They're always looking for new recruits.

Oh, great, thanks, Jill. Wow, wow, wow, much appreciated.

-Nice to meet you, Steve.

-It's nice to meet you, too, Nigel.

You know what? We should do this again sometime, now that I'm part of the family.

-Bye, then.

-Bye.

-Tara.

-Call you in the week. See you later.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye!

-Bye!

-Bye.

-Bye!

-Bye.

See ya.

Well... That was a success.

Not a people person, am I?

No! Course not.

Fuck!!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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