The Argument Him & Her

This programme contains strong language.

Do you want something from the fridge?

What a dick.

Still waiting for my apology.

Well, you'll be waiting a long time for an apology, cos if I'm not getting one, I'm not giving you.

You're not...you're not getting one.

Oh, well done.

"You want something from the fridge?" You dick!

Don't put that on the bed!

-Are you deaf?

-Don't throw my shoes.

-Well, don't put 'em on the bed, then.

-Don't throw my shoes.

-Well, don't put 'em on the bed, then.

You dick.

Jamie's gay, Steve -

I've known him since I was seven, how many times do I have to say it?

I...don't...care, Becky.

-He doesn't even sound...

-How long are you going to keep that up?

He doesn't even sound gay.

He just sits there laughing at himself. You let him try your drink.

I'm not speaking to you till I get an apology.

And what's all this about Stephen Fry?

PFFT!

Oh, could you stop farting?

-I had a dhansak.

-Your farts stink.

Course they stink, they come out of my arse.

PFFT!

Ooh...

Why did you tell him you liked Stephen Fry?

I knew you'd pick that up.

What is there to like about Stephen Fry?!

I saw you biting your straw.

Just cos earring boy likes him.

Sometimes people agree with people, because it's easier than disagreeing with them, Steve.

His adverts are shit, Becky!

You've said...about 154 times.

He's not funny - he's just posh.

What's funny about being posh? I'm funnier than him.

Yeah, you're hilarious(!)

He abandoned that play in the middle of its run.

What do you care if Stephen Fry abandoned a play in the middle of its run?

My mum had tickets. PFFT!

Just do a poo.

I don't need to do a poo - I'm gassy.

I'm not speaking to you until you apologise to me.

What am I apologising for?

-For what you said.

-What did I say?

I'm not telling you if you can't remember.

-Well, Becky...

-You said...

-that thing.

-What thing?

-The thing.

-Oh, what thing?

-The thing, I don't know, the thing you said.

-I can't remember either.

-Oh, well, how am I supposed to apologise if you can't...?

-Just apologise to me.

-No-er!

DOORBELL

It's your door.

-I'm not opening it.

-It wasn't me that invited 'em back.

-Steve.

-Hm, hm, hm.

DOORBELL

-Becks! Becks!

-Hey, I was getting worried about you.

You've just missed the most amazing thing.

-Jamie did the most amazing thing.

-Steve, it was so funny, right - we were just walking...

Paul was being sick in a hedge, I think there's something wrong with his tummy.

..this tramp and I go up to him, and he's just sitting there...

An allergy to something, to drinking too much, I think it's the yeast...

And I go up to him, and he's like asleep, and I'm looking at him,

-like trying to gauge you know if he's got a knife or whatever...

-..and the tramp's going,

-"Where's my hat?"

-..grab it off his head, and he's like, "Give me my hat back, I want my hat back!"

And we legged it! It was so funny, Becks!

We just fucking legged it.

So where's the hat now?

Ta-da!

Fucking traffic cone!

Let's get some food, I'm starving.

Yeah, helps yourselves, make yourselves at home.

-I want a French Fancy.

-OK, Paul.

Hey, I've got cheese!

What?

-Is that called a traffic cone?

-Don't know.

-Innit weird when there's this thing you see every day...?

-Steve...apologise.

-No.

If I don't get a French Fancy, someone's going to get hurt.

-Paul.

-Fuck yourself.

Oi, everyone, I've got chee-eese!

Oi, like, you don't speak to me in that manner - you're not at work now.

-Ouzo!

-Cheese!

Listen...

Don't tell me to listen.

I... Just listen.

If I want to listen, I'll listen - don't tell me to listen.

-Look...

-Don't tell me to look either.

-If you can't remember what I said, it can't have been that bad.

-Oh, stop being a prick, Steve.

Here they are!

-Let's play a drinking game.

-Yeah, woo, woo!

I don't want you sitting with him.

He's got all these CD's, Shell, and they're all completely rubbish.

-Hey, Becks, been watching that Kingdom again?

-What's Kingdom?

-Oh, it's that programme with Stephen Fry where he's a...

-Have you got any decent music, Steve?

-Came out a few years ago, it's brilliant.

-Yeah?

-Oh, he's so good in it.

-Ouzo!

-Oh, no - sorry, mate, that was a present.

-Suck your own dick.

I think I might phone Derek, see if he wants to meet up.

Have you got any music that isn't the Stereophonics, Steve?

-The man's a genius or something.

-Seriously, mate, it's from my mum.

Oh, so why don't you go and lick her fucking ovaries?

A novelist, he's an actor, a director, he writes films, he wrote My Fair Lady.

-Did he?

-And he's a comedian, don't forget that.

He's literally got no decent music. There's literally nothing in here that anyone's ever heard of.

He's got a swimming pool, Laur. Shagged in it.

Hey has anyone seen that montage of planes blowing up?

-No.

-Ooh, Paul, you've gotta see it, it's fucking hilarious.

-Can you make sure you don't get crumbs on the bed?

-"Oh, can you not get crumbs on the bed?"

-He's had you there, Steve.

-Yeah. I don't sound like that.

Clearly.

Just wait, Shelly - I'm trying my level best.

Steve, have you got any decent music?

Yeah, I've got loads of decent music. Have a look at my iPod.

"I've got loads of decent music - how about Phil Collins?"

I didn't say Phil Collins.

How do you know I like Phil Collins?

-Oh, that's brilliant!

-His drumming's out of this world.

Here it is - they're all passenger planes smashing into runways, explode in mid-air.

Ah, fucking ace!

-(Stop what?

-Him!

-You're being pathetic.

-(You're flirting with him.

-No, I'm not.

(You're eating his cheese.

(So?

-(It's sexy!

-What!)

You eating cheese is sexy.

Wow, Steve, you really know how to charm a girl.

LAUGHTER THEN DOORBELL

Oi, he did a double flip. Did a double flip.

Sorry, mate, are we being too loud?

No, no, not at all.

-Having fun?

-Yeah, Becky's flirting with Jamie, they're watching real people die - it's brilliant.

Ah, sounds nice. Ooh, traffic cone.

-That's funny.

-Hm.

-It's not called a traffic cone.

-Traffic island?

Mm, no, that's the concrete bit in the middle of the road.

Sleeping policeman?

-Are we really doing this?

-OK, well, er,

just been on my own upstairs.

Listened to 5 Live. Ate a gateau.

-Do you wanna come in?

-Oh, thank you.

Didn't think it would be that easy.

-Shelly here?

-Yeah.

-She's really drunk.

-Oh, it's the best news I've had all day.

-HE BURPS

Tastes of gateau.

Let's play a drinking game!

In a minute, Jamie, I'm going to be asking you to write the name of a celebrity on it.

-You understand?

-Yes.

Hello, hello, hello.

What's going on here, then?

We're playing a drinking game, Dan.

You can sit down and keep yourself to yourself, and don't say a word.

You all right, Dan?

Yeah.

Don't come in - I'm pissing.

Get out! Get out!

Is that how you piss?

OK, so has everyone got a piece of a paper or a pen or a pencil?

Um, Becks, can I have a word?

Ooh!

Sorry about that, mate.

Paul pisses like a woman.

What do you mean?

I just walked in on Paul in the toilet, and he pisses like a woman. He was sat on the toilet.

-How do you know he wasn't pooing?

-Well, he said he was pissing.

-Well, everyone says they're pissing.

Is that why you brought me in here, to tell me that Paul pisses like a woman?

No, I want you to stop flirting with Jamie.

Ooh, how many times?! He's gay, he's my oldest friend.

He self-laughs. Everything he says, he self-laughs.

I've known him since I was seven,

can't get out of it now.

-You need to chill out, find a space and just...

-Chill out?

Yes. You need to chill out, find a space...

What do you mean find a space?!

Well done, butter fingers.

"Butter fingers" now?

The best thing to do is to shake it up more and then it actually de-fizzes.

-Does it?

-Yeah.

OK.

-Are you taking the piss?

-Yeah, course.

-Oh, Becky!

Oh, that should help(!)

Do you know what you said to me?

Oh, here we go.

You said there isn't a girl in the chip shop you wouldn't want to shag.

No, I didn't.

Oh, yes, you did.

There's at least two girls the chip shop I wouldn't want to shag.

Hm.

Rachel's 20 stone, and Clare looks like her brother.

Now who's self-laughing?

Becky, please don't sit with him.

Oh, fuck!

No, Paul, stop being mean. You can't just say that, you have to say "in my opinion" first.

OK, OK. In my opinion,

there's no such thing as aliens.

Well, Paul, someone else and myself included and NASA, we might have a different opinion

-to you, and everyone is entitled by law to have an opinion.

-Er, Laura reckons she saw an alien.

We're trying to play a drinking game, and Paul's being mean about the alien I met.

-What was he doing again?

-It was a she.

-What was she doing?

She stood there at the end of my bed with an air of dignity.

What she didn't even say anything?

She came all that way and she didn't even say anything.

She couldn't say anything, Paul - she didn't have a mouth.

-In your opinion.

-No, it's a fact.

Her head was made of lots of little heads, and none of them had mouths.

I bet you're a brilliant dancer.

Yeah, I am. I...I practise during the day.

-Kieron's a dancer.

-Very nimble.

I take him down the Prince, I fill him with Red Bull, and he dances on his own for hours.

Oh, is that...?

One minute...

He sounds like a great kid.

-Are you all right there, Becks?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

So she was an alien.

Why are you doing this, Paul? You know I don't like it when you mock my visitations.

Do you want to come over here?

No, I'm fine.

-OK, cool.

-Right and they... and they can fly to other planets?

-Yes, they have lasers and wings.

And they want to do experiments on you?

Find out if she's got a brain.

-Yeah.

-Steve.

Too far, mate. Too far.

Oh, it was just a laugh. I'm just having a laugh.

I do have a brain, Steve - it's in my head.

I love it - "find out if she's got a brain"! I fucking love it.

They have colonies, Steve, colonies on other planets, not that you'd know,

and they do experiments on us so they can colonise us

and they take you in a space ship and they stick things up your arse.

So it's not all bad then?

I've got to go to Kieron's school tomorrow.

I've got to see his teacher.

Do you mind if I put this here?

-No.

-OK.

Kieron's developed a kind of a twitch.

-Twitch.

-Yeah.

-What kind of twitch?

He sort of does this.

HE LAUGHS

Sorry.

You sound like a brilliant mother.

-Do I?

-Yeah. In many ways you're the world's mother.

-Am I?

-Yeah.

-Thanks Dan.

-Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I should text him actually.

Just check he's got himself to bed.

Achoo!

-Wow, bless you babe.

-Bless you Laura, are you OK?

-Bless you.

-Thanks.

I think I'm coming down with something,

probably wouldn't have happened if Paul had let me play the drinking game.

It probably wouldn't have happened if Paul had let me play the drinking game.

-Bless you Laura.

-Bless you babe.

Thanks babes.

Steve.

Bless you.

Thanks Steve.

Probably got it off the alien.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Maybe I did.

-Alien flu or something.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Maybe I did.

-When they did her up the arse.

Steve.

Steve, that was uncalled for.

I don't let anyone do me up the arse Steve,

not unless it's their birthday.

Steve, have I got anything on my face mate?

-Er, no.

-Oh, good, cos I, I felt like I had something

on my face, like some food or something.

No?

-No, you're fine.

-Good.

Good.

Now then, the drinking game.

Steve was wearing my bra the other day.

Ah Steve.

Yeah, my Mum had done a wash.

I wasn't pissing.

When you came in on me, right, I wasn't pissing,

I don't piss like that.

I piss standing up like a man, like my Dad.

-Like my ex Dad.

-And I come back in the room and he's

perched on the end of the bed,

completely naked wearing my bra and he's got his dick in his hand.

Becky.

I can't believe I'm marrying that fucking idiot.

I could get any bird I wanted.

-Yeah, course.

-No he's done it before.

He put my knickers on his head once, seriously, he loves it.

Urgh.

I think it's something to do with his Mum,

you know he used to put make up on.

-And there's this tart who works in Rymans, her name's Paula,

-Mm.

I'm called Paul, yeah. You see, like we're made for each other.

Er, yeah, er, it was a joke.

Holding my dick was part of the joke, I was pretending to be a pervert.

I don't think you need to pretend Steve.

He doesn't need to pretend to be a pervert.

I fingered her by the envelopes.

Yep, well Becky does...

Yeah mate, yeah, yeah.

-For fuck's sake.

-Yeah, well, er, Becky does such disgusting farts

that she has to wipe her arse afterwards.

-For fuck's sake Steve.

-Oh, you dirty slut.

-That's personal information mate.

-It's an ailment Steve, it runs in the family.

At least I wipe my arse.

-What do you mean?

-I've listened.

-You never use more than three bits of bog roll.

-I fold.

What? Everyone folds.

No they don't.

I'm trying to save the environment.

-You're filthy.

-What, you, you know you can say what you want

but I know for a fact that I wipe my arse more than anyone in this room,

because I suffer from a medical condition

known in layman's terms as an anal itch.

Fuck off.

-Too much information Steve.

-Do you need someone to scratch it for you Steve?

Do you need someone to scratch it for you Steve?

Can... can I have a word?

-What about?

-Maybe he needs someone to scratch his bum for him.

Paul, Paul, Paul, maybe he needs someone to scratch his bum for him.

Can I have a word?

Can we just listen to some ABBA, I love ABBA.

-Do you know ABBA were all brothers and sisters.

-No, some of them were married.

Oh, that's it.

Er, you've locked us in the toilet.

What is wrong with your head?

Listen.

You sit there being rude to my sister,

mocking her cos she happened to see an alien,

as if you were better than her somehow in your fucking selfish...

-Becky.

-I haven't finished.

In your fucking selfish view.

OK, finished.

Becky I need...

how long has that been there?

About ten minutes.

You're supposed to tell me.

For God's... look at the.

Listen, sorry...

Not listen, but.

I know,

I know I shouldn't...

I know what I said was wrong.

Oh, well done. It's only taken you three hours.

I broke the, well they're not rules, but the code,

the agreement, the un... The unspoken...

-What the fuck are you talking about?

-OK, OK.

-Becks, are you coming out soon?

-In a minute, Laura.

-Ste-eve.

-I can't help it!

I'm sorry, OK?

I'm just saying that I'm sorry.

Well, I get, I get this, I get this...

Look, I get upset.

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, Steve. You're 24, get over it.

-What are you doing?

-I need a piss.

-I'm trying to have a conversation with you.

-Oh, this is a conversation, is it?

Just... Just listen to me.

I've never...

Whenever I see you talking to someone...like a male person...

Otherwise known as a man.

Whoever it is, I get this, it's like rotting,

-it's like I'm, I'm rotting in my tummy.

-I can smell that.

Oh, Becky, please, it's just, you know...

Oh, I don't know, I'm not very good at this.

Really?

It's just...

When, when, when we first met, it was like...

You know when they repaint the roads, the road markings?

And suddenly,

suddenly it's like a whole new road.

OK, forget that.

Er... I'm trying, I'm trying to...

I'm trying to put it into words and I'm not, I'm not, I'm not...

I'm not very good with words. Can you just look at me when I'm speaking to you?

I'm washing my hands, Steve, I've got a bit of wee on my thumb.

All I mean is,

when I met you, it was like I realised

all my life I've been doing an impression of myself,

or, you know, or an impression of what I thought I should be, or what other people...

-OK, I get it, carry on.

-OK.

And then I met you and it was like...

Um, Diwali.

Diwali?

Yeah, yeah, fireworks night, I don't know, er...

Christmas, Birthdays, Lent.

Not Lent. KNOCK AT DOOR

-Paul's being really horrible to me, Becks.

-Well, we'll be out in a bit.

-He's doing impressions of what I look like when I suck him off.

-OK, we'll be out in a bit, Laura.

Thanks, Becks.

I should get back out there.

-I think Paul's up to something.

-No! Becky, let me finish.

When I met you, every piece of my life was a, was a bit of a puzzle.

You know, it felt...

I dunno, it, it felt...

Oh, look... Oh... All I, all I mean is...

That's why I get like this.

That's why I get silly when you talk to other men,

because I know they'll fancy you, because they must do,

because you're beautiful and funny and perfect in every single way

and everyone wants to be like you.

Just look at Laura and, and Shelly.

You're so...cool, and I get scared

you're going to want to go out with someone else and not me

because I'm not beautiful or funny or perfect,

or even just a little bit cool.

I like reading facts.

I'm scared of spiders.

But we're the same person,

And we like doing the same things, like...

Well, like eating, and drinking, and Inspector Morse.

I mean, I love watching Morse with you.

And I, and I get scared that I'll lose you and...

I can't. I can't lose you, Becks,

because if I lose you...

I love you.

I've been a dick because I love you

and I'm sorry.

I'm, I'm sorry for dragging you in here,

I'm sorry for taking it out on Laura,

I'm sorry for being the world's biggest dick.

But I, I just, I just love you.

I just love you so much.

I love you so much.

That's funny, cos, er,

I was under the impression that you loved the girls in the chip shop.

Oh, of course I don't!

Why do, why do you have to do this?

Why do you have to say things like that? I just poured out my heart and my soul...

Ssh.

I'm sorry.

I love you too, you dickhead.

Ohh. Thank you.

-Oh, you don't really like Stephen Fry, do you?

-No, course not.

-Good.

Oh, fucking hell.

So...I guess...

-now we've said that.

-Mm.

At last.

And seeing as I spend most of my time here anyway,

-and it's getting really rubbish having to get the bus here and then home all the time.

-Mmm.

And I shouldn't still be living with my parents at my age.

Absolutely.

Maybe I should just...

I might as well move in.

What's that?

Maybe I should move in, here.

Practically live here anyway, and then I won't have to keep getting the bus.

It's not that bad, is it, getting the bus?

It's really annoying.

And I don't want to be living with my parents all my life.

OK. Great.

-Ah, you know there'd be tax implications, they'd cut our benefits.

-We don't have to tell 'em.

Oh, OK.

-Practically live here anyway.

-Yeah.

Course.

Great.

Well, you're going to move in.

That's great.

Oh.

Oh, that's great.

# Come closer and cuddle me tight

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang Boom bang-a-bang

# When you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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