Bubbly Hold the Sunset


Bubbly

Sitcom. Edith's dreams of retirement to the sun with her long-term suitor Phil are shattered when her 50-year-old son Roger arrives home.


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Transcript


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# Have I the right to hold you?

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# You know I've always told you

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# I've loved you from the very start

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# Well, come right back I just can't bear it

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# I got some love and I long to share it

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# Come right back Right back where you belong

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# Oh, yeah, you belong. #

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SHE HUMS TO HERSELF

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SHE SIGHS

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Jars and bottles, plastic bottles. Ah!

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Tops, tops...

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SHE SIGHS

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SHE SIGHS

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-Do you consider yourself a tree lover?

-Oh, it's you.

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And my morning's been going so well.

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A tree lover?

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Well, I see you performing your civic duty by, er...

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..letting him fertilise this tree here.

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Where did you ever get that idea?

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Well, has it ever occurred to you that a steady diet of dog poo

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and dog pee might not be beneficial to a tree? You know,

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might actually harm it?

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No, I can in all honestly say it never has, no. Never.

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Which could be why this particular tree's lost its

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snap, crackle and pop.

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I don't think you should worry

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your already overburdened head with any of this.

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I think we can leave the dogs

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and the trees to sort all this out amongst themselves.

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This from Professor Dugdale, head of symbiotic tree

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and dog studies at the "Do The Bears Defecate In The Woods?" Institute.

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No, I'd say you're a man in need of a holiday.

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So would I, so would I.

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Yes. Well, good to see you. Keep up the good work.

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And don't stop feeding the dog.

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Oh! Morning, Phil.

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Bloody Dugdale.

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He's very regular.

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Yes, he is.

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So's his dog.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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More exciting hints... on recycling etiquette.

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Yes, all changed again.

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-You must have had one, too.

-Yes, I did.

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Newspapers must not co-mingle with kitchen paper.

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Co-mingle, eh?

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-Let me put the kettle on.

-OK.

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"Let me put the kettle on."

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You make it sound so alluring.

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-Oh, shut up and have a biscuit.

-All right.

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Edith...

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-I'm not sure, Phil, I really don't know.

-Why, what was I going to say?

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Well, what you always say when you eat the first biscuit.

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Well, that's why you make the biscuits -

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it's to start our usual conversation.

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So how about it?

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Look, if we were married I wouldn't have to cross the road

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every day, would I?

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What other advantages would there be?

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Apart from you not having to cross the road?

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Well, I've told you, we'd pool our resources.

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I'd sell my house, you'd sell yours,

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and we can buy a place in the sun in another country.

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-It could give us ten more years.

-Or finish us off.

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Why are you being so timid? You never used to be timid.

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When we were young... Hm-hm!

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-I wouldn't like to die abroad.

-Who's dying?

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-I don't imagine we're going to live forever.

-You're quite wrong.

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Due to medical science, I am now over 25% titanium.

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-Better than I've ever been.

-Oh, dear.

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Droves of bionic crumblies all wandering about

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trying to remember where we put our bus passes.

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-You should have married me in the first place.

-You never asked me.

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Well, that was your mother. She thought I was no good.

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Very perspicacious, my mum.

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Hm.

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SHE GRUNTS

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Colin was a good bloke.

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And you were happy with Celia.

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Mm! Mm!

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Alternate days.

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I am old now.

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I'm ancient. I'm on my own.

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I need rescuing by you.

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On your own? You're here most of the time!

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Well, I want to be here all of the time, I want us

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to get married, I'm... I'm... I'm very conventional, you know?

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I'm not like you used to be - a hippie.

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I was never a hippie. I was...

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-I was a mod if I was anything.

-Mod!

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THEY LAUGH

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I can't do this much more.

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Was it something I said?

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Probably.

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Usually is.

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Listen, I... I won't do this any more, I promise.

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You... You... You're right, it's time just...

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..to let it go.

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Let it go? Oh, dear.

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Are you kidding?

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Is this what I think it is?

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Oh, thank God!

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You planned this - you knew all along!

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Well, not planned exactly, not all along.

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Bloody hell, you got me then!

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-I'll never trust you again.

-You once accused me of being reckless.

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Well, if this is reckless, bring it on!

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Ohh!

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DOORBELL

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Don't get it. No, don't...

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HE GROANS

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HE LAUGHS

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-Hello, Mum.

-Roger! Hello, dear.

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-Where are you off to?

-I've come home.

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-Home?

-I've left Wendy, that's it, it's over.

-What?

-I've left her.

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Left her? But what about the children?

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I've especially left them.

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-Something must have happened.

-Stuff, Mum.

-Stuff?

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Yeah, and then some.

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I mean, we had kids, we spent nearly 20 years together.

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Well, that can't be it. That can't be all.

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Quite enough for me!

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What are you going to do?

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And seriously, what about Jason and Jennifer?

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-Oh, Mum, don't go all sentimental on me.

-They're your children!

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No, they're almost entirely Wendy's.

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I only contribute to the colour of their hair.

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And Jason's shaved his off and Jane, she's dyed hers orange.

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-But teenagers are always difficult.

-Yeah, evidently.

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-They'll grow out of it.

-I might be dead by then.

-Oh, dear.

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Don't worry, Mum, it's OK. It's better this way.

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-I'm feeling happier already.

-When did you decide to leave?

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About 19 years ago. Still, better late than never.

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I'll just take this stuff up to my bedroom.

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Love a cup of tea, Mum.

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-I'll put the kettle on.

-Oh, great.

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Oh!

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-No work today, then?

-Oh, packed it in.

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-What?

-I handed in my notice.

-You didn't.

-This morning.

-Roger!

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-I want to do something else.

-What?

-I don't know...

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-I'm waiting for inspiration. A sign.

-A sign?

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Something'll come up.

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What? And when? And what are you going to live on?

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I've got a few savings.

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Enough for a few months.

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God, it's great to be home, Mum.

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I can't tell you!

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Whoo!

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HE LAUGHS

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Phil's here. Phil from across the road.

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Didn't he die?

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No, he dropped in for a cup of tea.

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-Oh, he's in the habit of doing that, is he?

-Well, yes, yes, he is.

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Yes, he's a... He's a good friend.

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He's... He's company.

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You've got me for company now, haven't you, Mum?

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It'll be just like old times.

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Got any biscuits?

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I... I just made some.

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Fantastic. You see? Ha-ha! You knew I was coming!

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Are there any biscuits left?

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Yeah, a few. Are you all right?

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-I'm not sure.

-Well, who was that?

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Roger. He's come home.

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-Home?

-That's what he says.

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He says he's left Wendy and come home.

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And he's left his job in the bank.

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He's not bringing the kids, is he?

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No, he says he's especially left them.

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Thank God - last time they were here they scratched my car.

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-It's a bit of a blow, isn't it?

-Yes, yes, it is. So what are his plans?

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I'm not sure he's got any other than to come here.

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But he can't... He can't stay here. I mean, we're going away.

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-It won't be for long.

-Certainly won't.

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-Well, I can't refuse him, can I?

-Of course you can refuse him.

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Of course you can. You know what's going to happen, right?

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You'll be shopping and cooking and washing and...and...

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..and ironing before you know what's going on.

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-I shouldn't think so.

-Oh, I know you, Edith, you're too NICE.

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-You mean a pushover?

-No, no.

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No, you're... You're kind.

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That's what I love about you. You've got to give him an ultimatum.

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You know...

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Two weeks and out.

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Well, we'll see.

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SPOONS CLATTER DOWN

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You don't WANT him to come back here, do you?

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What makes you think that?

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-You might be thinking... "he's my son".

-Well, he is.

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Yeah, I know, but there are limits.

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I can still see him in that little red pedal car with his silly hat on.

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Edith, please.

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-Don't let this change your mind about us.

-No!

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Oh, no, I wouldn't do that. My mind's made up.

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-Hello, Phil.

-Hello, Roger!

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-Mum...

-Oh, just leave them on the chair, I'll do them later.

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Thanks, Mum.

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HE GROANS

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-Oh, back trouble?

-No, no, no, that's the least of my worries.

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So, we've just been talking about your domestic...

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Oh, yeah, yeah. Mum told you?

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Yeah, have you tried counselling?

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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopeless.

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Once a week for two months.

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Dr Duckworth.

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I mean, Wendy thought he was wonderful, of course.

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It was hopeless.

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-The main problem was he was trying to save the marriage.

-Ah!

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If he'd have listened to me in the first place, then...

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You found Dad's old dressing down!

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I'd been going to cut it up for dusters, just never got round to it.

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Yes. Have some biscuits.

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Mum. Have you seen my gear?

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What gear, dear?

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Well, my Scalextrics, my Matchbox vintage car collection, my comics.

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Oh, those things. Oh, they've gone.

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-Gone?

-Years ago.

-Gone where?

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Well, Dad had a big clear out.

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-What?

-When he did the rewiring.

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-So where are they? What did he do with them?

-I can't remember.

-Mum!

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-It was ages ago.

-Mum.

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Erm...

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-I think he might have given them to the charity shop.

-The charity shop?

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Yes, you know, Oxfam or the animal one.

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Dad gave my comics to Oxfam?

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Well, they've been there a long time.

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Well... That's my collection!

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Well, there did seem to be rather a lot of them.

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Exactly, well, that's the point, that's what collections are,

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aren't they?

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They're quantities of things saved and left to mature somewhere...

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..somewhere safe.

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So that you can find them for later when you want them.

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But you don't lovingly spend years collecting things

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and putting them somewhere safe and out of the way so that just

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at the point when they become really valuable they can be chucked out!

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Oh, they weren't chucked out!

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Thrown away. Bloody hell!

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-Oh, Roger!

-What?

-Oh, grow up!

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-It's all right.

-It's not all right.

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It's all right for you. Hm?

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I had every Beano and Dandy from 1964 to '72 in mint condition -

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a priceless collection.

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-It was worth thousands.

-Oh, dear.

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Not the thousands, a couple of hundred at most!

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The Scalextric and the vintage car collection were...as good as new.

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They made millions of them. My David had one.

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I mean, they're worthless.

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Yes, well, I wouldn't expect you to understand

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the significance of cultural and social ephemera.

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-Oh, why wouldn't I?

-It's social history.

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I'm writing a book on the seminal influence of The Bash Street Kids.

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I haven't started it yet, but I'm going to.

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HE GUFFAWS

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I wouldn't have missed this for the whole world.

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Roger?

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I'm going round to see Annie.

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-Annie?

-Next door.

-Annie Harris?

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Annie Harris.

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Well, she went to Canada years and years ago -

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just before you started at St Edmund's.

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-I need to see her.

-What for?

-I should have married her.

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-You were only seven.

-That's right.

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We were innocent.

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And that's how I know it was genuine. True and pure.

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It was the real thing.

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Ye Gods.

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-We were made for each other.

-Oh.

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I used to sneak out and see her, then climb back in through the...

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..through the little window in the sitting room.

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Oh? Did you?

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And she felt the same way as I did.

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Unfortunately, events intervened and tore us apart.

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Otherwise it would have all been quite different

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and I wouldn't be standing here today.

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-Oh?

-No, I'd be in Canada.

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Running my own TV station or my own international shipping company.

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Or Prime Minister - I mean, don't sell yourself short.

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Roger!

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SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

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-He's not right, is he?

-He's unhappy.

-Well, who's happy?

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TYRES SCREECH

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What now?

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It's Wendy. She just drove past.

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I thought I heard somebody go by in second gear with a handbrake on.

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Yeah, she's checking out the house.

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She'll park out of sight and then walk straight back.

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You know, sort of typically sneaky behaviour.

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Don't tell her that I'm here.

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Roger, you've got to talk to her.

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No, I can't. I can't even be in the same room as her.

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Oh, don't be ridiculous.

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With that little smile of hers.

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Oh, Wendy's got a lovely smile.

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Yeah, not when you're on the sharp end of it.

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And not when it's intended to destroy your soul

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and to squeeze every drop out of you and to freeze dry your brain.

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Roger!

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You see, people think I exaggerate, which makes it harder to bear,

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of course. But I am determined to be strong.

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DOORBELL

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-I'm not here.

-You've got to see her!

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Bloody hell.

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-I'll be in the shed.

-Right.

-Don't tell her that.

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Of course not.

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Now, you help me out a bit here, Phil, and I might return the favour.

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-Gotcha.

-Oh, go on through. He's in the kitchen.

-Oh, hello, Wendy.

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Hello, Phil. Where's Roger?

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-He's in the shed.

-Oh, right.

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Avoiding me, no doubt. How are you, Phil?

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-Well, I'm very well, thank you.

-And your back's better?

-Yes, yes.

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-Well, better than it was.

-Oh, good. I'm very glad.

-Yeah, me too.

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-And you won't have to have surgery?

-No, no.

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Well, that's a blessing, isn't it?

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Well, they don't always work, do they, these operations?

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-Not always, no.

-And when they do you can't be sure you won't catch

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one of those dreadful infections, can you?

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That's right, and you go to Switzerland, you know, to recuperate

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in a sanatorium, and you get hit by a passing snowboarder and then

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you lose a leg in the subsequent botched emergency surgery.

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Well, if you need...any help with anything, anything at all.

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-That's very kind of you.

-No, really. I mean it.

-Yes, I know you do.

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-Where's Roger?

-Oh, in the shed. He doesn't want to see me, does he?

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Uh...

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Well, we have some serious things to talk about later, Edith,

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so I'll just pop the bubbly in the fridge.

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-Right.

-Just for the moment.

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Have I come at an inconvenient time?

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Well, you know, I think inconvenient...

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..is an extremely good word.

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You know, because we were there celebrating

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the pleasures of tranquillity

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and quietness and peace, and enjoying the time together alone.

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Phil, later.

0:18:070:18:09

-Oh, please don't go on my account!

-No, no, no.

0:18:090:18:11

-I've got to paint my lawn.

-Oh.

0:18:110:18:14

Otherwise the barnacles start building up.

0:18:140:18:16

-Well, if you need any help...

-No, no. I'll manage.

0:18:160:18:19

-I only need one coat.

-Phil, would you mind telling Roger Wendy's here?

0:18:190:18:23

-He won't come in.

-Well, of course he will.

-No, no, he won't. He hates me.

0:18:230:18:27

-He doesn't hate you.

-He does - he said it often enough.

0:18:270:18:32

We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment.

0:18:320:18:34

Well, he said it in the heat of the moment

0:18:340:18:36

and then subsequently in several periods of calm.

0:18:360:18:38

-Total calm.

-I used to hate my brother Joe.

-Did you really?

0:18:380:18:42

-Yeah, back then.

-Oh, but not now?

-Not now.

0:18:420:18:44

Oh, well, that's nice to hear.

0:18:440:18:46

I consulted a witch doctor and he gave me a small wax replica

0:18:460:18:50

of Joe and I used to push drawing pins into it over the weekend.

0:18:500:18:54

Eventually a tree fell on him.

0:18:540:18:57

Oh!

0:18:570:18:58

Phil...

0:18:580:19:00

OK.

0:19:000:19:01

See you later.

0:19:020:19:04

DOOR CLOSES

0:19:040:19:06

-Such a nice man.

-Well, quite a nice man.

0:19:060:19:10

-Would you like some coffee?

-Oh, well... If you're having one.

0:19:200:19:24

-I am.

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

0:19:240:19:26

-Really, really?

-Absolutely, positively.

-Oh, well, OK, then.

0:19:260:19:30

All right, I'll have one. Thank you. Only if you're having one.

0:19:300:19:32

SHE SIGHS

0:19:320:19:33

Wendy, I haven't had chance to talk to Roger about all this.

0:19:360:19:40

-I'm sure he blames me.

-I should think that's normal, isn't it?

0:19:400:19:44

Par for the course. I should think you probably blame him, don't you?

0:19:440:19:47

-Not really.

-No?

-Mainly I blame the way he was brought up.

-Oh.

-Yes.

0:19:470:19:52

-You mean me?

-Oh, good heavens, no. Absolutely not.

0:19:520:19:56

No, I'm talking about the times. You know...

0:19:560:20:00

Mothers used to spoil their sons in those days, didn't they?

0:20:000:20:03

In those days?

0:20:030:20:04

Well, there has been quite a lot of changes in the last 30 years.

0:20:040:20:07

Sandra definitely thinks so.

0:20:070:20:09

I should say that Roger and Sandra were both equally spoilt.

0:20:100:20:14

That's not what Sandra says.

0:20:140:20:16

She's sure that Roger was more spoilt than she was.

0:20:160:20:19

-Well, she's wrong.

-She's grateful now, of course.

-Grateful?

0:20:190:20:21

-She feels rather sorry for Roger.

-Oh?

0:20:210:20:24

She's got a better grip on reality than he has.

0:20:240:20:26

She says he suffers from... delusional expectation syndrome.

0:20:260:20:30

Well, I don't know what that means. There's nothing wrong with Roger.

0:20:310:20:35

I should think he's just having a perfectly routine midlife crisis.

0:20:350:20:40

I mean, he is nearly 50. We're all entitled to one of those, aren't we?

0:20:400:20:45

I should think he needs a decent holiday.

0:20:450:20:47

He's never stopped since the children were born,

0:20:470:20:49

and you moved into that enormous house.

0:20:490:20:52

KNOCKING

0:20:520:20:54

-What? What is it?

-I think you'd better call the fire brigade.

0:20:540:20:57

What?

0:20:590:21:00

-He's stuck.

-Roger!

0:21:040:21:07

Well and truly stuck.

0:21:070:21:10

-Mum!

-I'm coming.

0:21:100:21:12

Ohh!

0:21:120:21:14

I think it's got caught.

0:21:140:21:16

-Scissors, scissors!

-Why is he there?

0:21:160:21:19

-What was he doing?

-He's practising his housebreaking techniques.

0:21:190:21:22

-Well, it's a good idea. He's got to get a new job soon.

-What?

0:21:220:21:26

-Hurry up, I can't breathe!

-Oh!

0:21:260:21:28

Wendy, Wendy, can you fetch me the kitchen steps, please? Quickly.

0:21:280:21:33

-If you give me a shout I'll give him a push.

-I don't want a push.

0:21:330:21:38

What are you going to do?

0:21:380:21:39

Cut it away. It's caught, you see.

0:21:390:21:41

Well, don't do that. That's a perfectly good dressing gown.

0:21:410:21:44

It's ancient! I was going to cut it up anyway!

0:21:440:21:47

Just cut it away, cut it away!

0:21:470:21:49

There are poor people out there

0:21:490:21:50

-who'd be very glad of a dressing gown like that.

-Poor people...

0:21:500:21:52

Bugger poor people!

0:21:520:21:54

-Why don't you worry about me for a change?!

-Oh, Roger, how can you?

0:21:540:21:57

I worry about you all the time.

0:21:570:21:59

Now, if you were less selfish and thought about other people from time

0:21:590:22:02

to time you might not get yourself into this kind of situation.

0:22:020:22:05

I'm stuck in a window, you daft woman, and I can't breathe!

0:22:050:22:07

-Roger, shut up and hold your breath!

-Why are you stuck in the window?

0:22:070:22:12

I can give him a push from this side, or I can come in there

0:22:120:22:14

and you push him that way, but I can't pull.

0:22:140:22:16

-You know, not with my back.

-Yes.

-No, don't push.

-Oh?

-No pushing.

0:22:160:22:20

No pulling. Why don't you just go home, you old lecher?

0:22:200:22:23

-Roger! He's trying to help!

-You haven't answered me.

-What?

0:22:240:22:28

You tried to climb through the window to avoid me, didn't you?

0:22:280:22:30

-What an outlandish idea.

-Yes, you did.

0:22:300:22:33

It was a trip down memory lane.

0:22:330:22:35

-What?

-This is the way I used to get back in after I'd been to see Annie.

0:22:350:22:39

The musical?

0:22:400:22:41

No, no, the woman I should have married.

0:22:410:22:43

That's a cruel lie that will rebound on you, Roger.

0:22:430:22:46

I'm truly sorry for you.

0:22:460:22:48

-Bog off.

-Look at you.

0:22:480:22:49

You are surrounded by kind and decent people trying to help.

0:22:490:22:52

There's Phil, who's half crippled, your mother who's far too old

0:22:520:22:55

-and frail to be put through this sort of thing.

-Wendy!

0:22:550:22:57

No, it's all right, Edith. Someone's got to tell him how it is.

0:22:570:23:00

I thought a squirt of washing up liquid would help.

0:23:000:23:03

I thought we were supposed to be mates.

0:23:030:23:05

This would all be a lot easier if we'd just shut up for a minute!

0:23:050:23:08

What I don't understand is why you should try and climb in

0:23:080:23:12

through this window when you could come in through the door.

0:23:120:23:15

-What?

-Or through a larger, more convenient window.

0:23:150:23:18

-You just don't get it, do you?

-Frankly, no.

-This was an adventure.

0:23:180:23:21

I was on a quest. Getting through the little window was part of it.

0:23:210:23:25

-Some kids have imagination.

-Oh! You were being creative.

0:23:250:23:29

-That's one word for it.

-Ah!

0:23:290:23:32

Oh, no...

0:23:320:23:33

Ahh! Ohh! I can breathe. Brilliant.

0:23:330:23:37

-Thank you.

-It's just typical of you, isn't it, Roger?

0:23:370:23:39

Well, we all know what's going to happen next.

0:23:390:23:41

The moment you're all right you'll clear off,

0:23:410:23:43

leave everybody else upset and in need of counselling.

0:23:430:23:46

And meanwhile, some unfortunate person -

0:23:460:23:48

someone far worse off than you, who have been very glad of this -

0:23:480:23:51

has to do without a perfectly good dressing gown.

0:23:510:23:54

We don't care about the bloody dressing gown!

0:23:540:23:58

It was an old worn-out dressing gown.

0:23:580:24:00

No-one would have wanted it,

0:24:000:24:01

no-one in their right mind would have wanted it!

0:24:010:24:03

Now, why don't you just go home and leave Roger be?!

0:24:030:24:07

SHE SOBS

0:24:070:24:09

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

0:24:090:24:12

MEN SNIGGER

0:24:120:24:14

And you can stop grinning!

0:24:150:24:17

Both of you!

0:24:190:24:20

# Sun is shinin' in the sky

0:24:280:24:32

# There ain't a cloud in sight

0:24:320:24:34

# It's stopped rainin' Everybody's in the lane

0:24:340:24:39

# And don't you know

0:24:390:24:40

# It's a beautiful new day Hey, hey

0:24:400:24:45

# Runnin' down the avenue

0:24:450:24:47

# See how the sun shines brightly in the city

0:24:470:24:53

# On the streets Where once was pity

0:24:530:24:55

# Mr Blue Sky is living here today Hey, hey

0:24:550:25:00

# Mr Blue Sky Please tell us why

0:25:020:25:04

-# You had to hide away for so long

-So long

0:25:040:25:09

# Where did we go wrong?

0:25:090:25:11

# Mr Blue Sky Please tell us why

0:25:120:25:15

-# You had to hide away for so long

-So long

0:25:150:25:20

# Where did we go wrong? #

0:25:200:25:22

Where did he go this afternoon?

0:25:270:25:29

-Oh, to see if the community centre still looked the same.

-Same as what?

0:25:290:25:34

As when he once played Frederic in The Pirates Of Penzance there.

0:25:340:25:39

-You're joking?

-If only.

0:25:390:25:40

And then he went to search for Marigold morning emulsion paint

0:25:420:25:46

that they stopped making centuries ago.

0:25:460:25:49

For what?

0:25:490:25:51

So he could do up his room to look like it did when he was little.

0:25:510:25:55

-It's all becoming rather alarming, isn't it?

-Yes. Yes, it is.

-Mm.

0:25:560:26:02

HE SIGHS

0:26:040:26:05

Cheers.

0:26:050:26:06

SHE SIGHS

0:26:060:26:07

SHE SIGHS

0:26:120:26:13

-This is all pretty rotten timing, isn't it?

-It's just awful.

0:26:130:26:17

But nothing's really changed, has it?

0:26:170:26:19

I mean, nothing's kind of... permanently happened.

0:26:190:26:24

Well, something's happened.

0:26:240:26:25

I'm trying to look on the bright side, Edith.

0:26:250:26:27

Give me a hand, throw me a life belt.

0:26:270:26:31

Oh, what, like, let's pretend we have no responsibilities

0:26:310:26:35

and go off, never to be seen or heard of again?

0:26:350:26:37

Perfect.

0:26:370:26:39

I mean, look. Putting our lives on hold at this juncture

0:26:390:26:42

when we've just made this wonderful decision -

0:26:420:26:45

I mean, isn't really going to help anyone, is it?

0:26:450:26:48

-Least of all Roger.

-It wouldn't work. I'd be worrying.

0:26:480:26:53

Well, at first, but...later?

0:26:530:26:55

-I would. And so would you.

-Try me.

0:26:550:26:59

Look, Edith...

0:26:590:27:00

Think of us somewhere far, far away

0:27:010:27:05

sitting on a balcony

0:27:050:27:07

looking out over the Mediterranean

0:27:070:27:11

with our Pinot Grigios in our hands,

0:27:110:27:14

sitting together watching the sun set slowly into the sea.

0:27:140:27:22

Hm?

0:27:220:27:24

Edith's dreams of retirement to the sun with her long-term suitor Phil are shattered when her 50-year-old son Roger arrives home, seeking to recapture the happiness of his boyhood.


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