Birthday Hold the Sunset


Birthday

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# Have I the right to hold you?

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# You know I've always told you

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# I've loved you from the very start

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# Come right back, I just can't bear it

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# I've got some love and I long to share it

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# Come right back, right back where you belong

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# Oh, yeah, you belong. #

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Happy birthday, Mum!

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Oh, hello! Oh.

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Wow. Where have all these come from?

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Oh, Phil and Roger. Three each.

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They're even then. Level pegging.

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Well, I can't compete with that.

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Oh, but they're lovely.

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Oh! Ooh, and soaps! Ooh!

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Ooh, rhubarb and ylang ylang.

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-What is that?

-Not a clue.

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THEY LAUGH

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Oh, Mum.

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Mum, this is Roger's stuff.

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You're not doing his washing on your birthday.

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I'm just getting it out of the way.

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-I will kill him.

-Oh, please don't, dear.

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Not on my birthday.

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There we are.

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-No more vases?

-No, sorry.

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If Roger wants to ruin his life, that's his business.

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I don't see why he should be allowed to wreck everyone else's.

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He's just finding his feet.

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He's found your feet.

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He's very stressed.

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Give me a break.

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Oh, Phil.

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Oh Phil, this is crazy.

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Now, this has got to stop!

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Never.

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Sandra.

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Will we have the pleasure of your company this evening?

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I know how hard it is for you to find a window in that busy schedule of yours.

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Not when it's my mum's 70th.

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Oh, we are humbled and honoured. See you later.

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So it's four to three, with Phil in the lead coming round the last bend.

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IMITATES AIRCRAFT FIRE

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Maybe I can hear you. I'm over the English Channel now.

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Oh, who's got some glue?

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It's OK. Tango, Foxtrot, Four. 15 here. I can see them below.

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Tango Foxtrot Four, do you have blue?

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Do you mind if I come in?

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I did read the signs but they were

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so OTT I assume that they were ironic, you know?

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Please come in, I'm desperately short of company.

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Very funny.

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Otherwise, you would have...locked the door.

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-What do you want? I am very busy.

-So I see.

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Oh. Airfix bomber, eh? I used to play with those.

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Until I realised that it was time, as the Bible says,

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to put aside childish things.

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-What do you want?

-Turn the radio off. I'll tell you.

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-Now, uh, would you care to blow up some balloons?

-Not much.

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You know, in aid of your mother's birthday party.

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Yes, yes, my mother's birthday.

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Which you've managed to weaponize.

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Weaponize?

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You've always got to do more than everyone else, haven't you?

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More cards, more chocolates, more... oh, more bombs, more rockets.

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More balloons. More flowers.

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Yes, I just gave Edith another bunch.

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Of course you did.

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I've been thinking, Roger, and I think I've hit on the perfect

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birthday gift for you to... to give your mother.

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You know, it will outrank any of the others.

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Go back to your wife.

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Look, you don't realise it yet, Roger,

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but you'll never find another Wendy.

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Well, I won't be looking very hard, will I?

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Look, look at it from Edith's point of view. You know?

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Having a grown-up son that she's already brought up once

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turn up again for a second go.

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It's a bit dispiriting, isn't it?

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Mmm, yes, I think I can tell that you're not on my side.

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No, I am, I am, I mean, you are after all, Edith's son.

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Go back to Wendy.

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Never.

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Never.

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Never.

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Think of all the shared memories, though.

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Yes, shared memories.

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Like, like little bits of glass embedded in my brain.

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Oh, come on.

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Right from the start, and from our wedding day.

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Oh, not the seating plan, no, no, please.

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Not the seating plan.

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She made a fool of me.

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That's what women do, Roger. That's what they're for.

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I would never...

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not...not in a million years have put Steven Watt next to

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Veronica Darwin, and you can see, it's kind of catastrophic.

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I imagine they got over it by now.

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Oh, do you think so? Yeah?

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Steven took holy orders and Veronica's just come out of rehab.

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My seating plan was very carefully thought out.

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Then along comes Wendy and changes it to male, female, male, female,

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male, female, like the chain-linked fence,

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-cos that's the proper way to do it.

-It's 20 years ago. Just forget it.

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Well, the crucifixion was two thousand years ago

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and people still remember that.

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That's a good point.

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Oh, well.

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Worth a try.

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That happen often?

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Never.

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My dad built this shed.

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I've decided that I am going to move the nail bar

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and the salon under the same roof.

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Then I can properly focus on the health food shop.

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Well, that sounds sensible.

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But there is a problem.

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Right now, I just don't have the capital.

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Ah.

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I think you know what's coming next.

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Go on.

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If you sold this place, which must be worth a fortune now,

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and moved in with me, it would solve all our problems at a stroke.

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-Oh.

-Yeah, you wouldn't be stuck with Roger.

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I'd be there to take care of you.

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You'd have a room of your own.

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A big one at the front, and cash in your hand.

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Yes, well...

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And I would give you a proper contract.

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I'd pay you back inside of three years, no sweat.

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Yes, but what about Phil?

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Phil?

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We're thinking of getting married.

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Wow.

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Really?

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Phil.

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You sure that's a good idea?

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Quite sure.

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Oh. Oh, Mum, well... Oh, that's great.

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Fantastic.

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Oh, to be honest, I could see it coming.

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Well, it's still a bit up in the air.

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What about his floozy?

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Oh, that was years ago and she wasn't a floozy.

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Whatever that is.

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No, she was just a very unhappy girl with problems.

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You're trying to put me off him?

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Absolutely not.

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But she was stalking him, wasn't she?

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Well, she did follow him around for a bit, yes.

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What a hoot.

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Hey, you're talking about my future husband.

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You've got to admit that's funny.

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Well, it is a bit, yes.

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You're not thinking of moving in with Phil and letting Roger stay here, are you?

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Well, nothing's been settled.

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Oh, he is such a slime.

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That's why he's come here. Can't you see?

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He just wants to keep an eye on the place and safeguard his inheritance.

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He didn't know about Phil and me until he came back.

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No? He's not as dim as he looks, you know?

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Well, nobody could be that dim.

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If you and Phil sell,

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then you're going to want somewhere to invest that money, aren't you?

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Well, we haven't thought that far ahead.

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I'll talk to Phil.

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No, if anyone's going to talk to Phil, it will be me.

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Oh, Mum, would you?

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Oh!

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I don't need a huge amount.

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Around 50k would do it.

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The thing is, Roger, your mother's got her own life to lead.

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And I'm going to help her do that with my terrific birthday present.

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I'm not going to tell you what it is.

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I don't wish to know.

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You're burning with curiosity.

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No, I'm not.

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I've tracked down Mrs Gale.

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Mrs...Gale?

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She used to help Mum years ago.

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-You mean when you were little?

-Yeah, she bought me my first Beano.

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Ah, clearly a remarkable woman.

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Yeah, she's agreed to come and help Mum around the house.

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You won't be able to top this.

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Roger, you do know that your mother is going to sell the house.

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-Sell it?

-Yeah.

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I want to sell mine too, you see?

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And then we'll buy something somewhere together.

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I've actually been looking at property prices in, er, in Gozo.

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Gozo?

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Sell the house?

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No, I wouldn't want that.

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No, I wouldn't want that at all.

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Strangers living here.

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-Strangers?

-Yeah. Strangers. No, not that.

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But they wouldn't be strangers. Would they, Roger?

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Not if they own the house. And you wouldn't be here.

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No, well, I'd refuse to move out.

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And eventually when I die, I'd haunt them.

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I wouldn't give them a moment's peace.

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Roger, are you on any kind of medication?

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-Just get out the way.

-What?

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Ah!

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Sturdy stuff!

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You're just an old fart who's frightened of getting old and dying alone.

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Spot on!

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You're not completely without empathy, are you, Roger?

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-What about Desiree?

-What?

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You know, that floozy who was stalking you?

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Oh, she wasn't a floozy.

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I mean, she looked like one,

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but that was years ago and she wasn't stalking me.

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-She was just following me.

-Yeah, why?

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She wanted to know the time and she thought I was a policeman.

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Oh.

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I saw her the other day.

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Oh, very unlikely. She moved to Warrington or Walsall.

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-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

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Yeah, she was driving one of those Hotfoot delivery vans.

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Don't be ridiculous.

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Good god. Where was this?

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Oh, she was just pulling out of the petrol station.

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It was last Wednesday.

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-I don't believe this.

-She's on your tail.

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No, no, no. No, no.

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Oh, well, um, if I were to order something, then she might

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deliver it and then you'd know for certain one way or the other.

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Wouldn't you?

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Do you really want to spoil your mother's happiness

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by blackmailing me into persuading her not to sell the house?

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Cos that's what this is about, isn't it?

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Well, you see, I see it more as saving her

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from a bleak exile with you in Bozo.

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Then you'd do better to think about my original offer.

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-What was that?

-Go back to Wendy.

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Oh, that was an offer.

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My last and best offer.

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Just get out of the way. We'll do it again.

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Go on.

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After you.

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Oh, you know that photo of Desiree at the petrol station.

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Would you like a copy?

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-DOG GROWLS

-Please!

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He saw you behaving suspiciously.

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-Did he now?

-Lurking like that.

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Would he like to see my passport?

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Is he going to insist on an explanation or would

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he just like to escort me to wherever it is dogs take people

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when they go to interrogate them.

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He's a clever dog and you were behaving oddly.

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-Oddly.

-Oddly for some people. Normal, I suppose, for you.

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If he's such a clever dog, why didn't you realise that?

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I mean, we've known each other for years.

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He's been leaving deposits at my gate as long as I can remember.

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I mean, we're virtually old pals.

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He takes things on a case by case basis.

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Well, for his information,

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I was doing a bit of neighbourhood watching.

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Oh, were you? Very public spirited of you.

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Well, there'd been reports of strange behaviour from the

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couriers that work for Hotfoot and I thought I'd just check it out.

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What sort of strange behaviour?

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Well, it's hard to be specific, quite honestly,

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but it's the sort of thing you develop an instinct for.

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Do you?

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I'm surprised your dog didn't pick that up.

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Very puzzling.

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Mmm, well, maybe he's right.

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Maybe these are just rumours, you know, baseless rumours.

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Yes, well, there are a lot of those around here, too.

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Well, must be going.

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Something in the oven.

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Ah.

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That's what it is.

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-Sandra was here?

-Yes.

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What for?

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To wish me happy birthday. She'll be back later.

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She's after money, isn't she?

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Well, she did mention needing capital to expand her business, yes.

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-Didn't I say?

-A loan.

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Oh, Mum, you're such a pushover.

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I daresay, but I don't want to discuss this now.

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-Mum.

-Yes.

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Phil says you want to sell the house.

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I have been thinking about it, yes.

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Do you have to?

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Well, it is a bit on the big side and there seem to be more and more stairs every year.

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-And when Phil and I get married...

-And when will that be?

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Um, spring of next year.

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-Maybe.

-And then you'll go to Bozo?

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Bozo?

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-I was born in this house.

-Yes.

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I wouldn't like you to sell it.

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-I might have to.

-Yeah, I wouldn't like strangers living here.

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I love this house.

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Sandra, she just cares about the money.

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Roger, you and Sandra used to get on so well together.

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Yes, because I used to be a pushover, too.

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What does that mean?

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She used to trick me out of my pocket money.

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-I'm sure that's not true.

-It is true.

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She'd insist on playing shop

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and then buy all my jelly beans with a few rusty washers.

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You never said anything.

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It's cos she threatened me.

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-She said, "Don't tell Mum or I'll duff you up."

-Roger...

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I only stopped when I got bigger and cynical.

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-Roger, stop it.

-And now she's bullying you into selling the house.

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-That's not how it is at all.

-Yeah, Phil.

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Phil and Sandra.

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Yeah, they've hooked up on this.

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Yeah, Sandra wants the money and Phil wants to see the back of me.

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Well, I think I've spiked his guns.

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What does that mean?

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I'll be devastated if you sell up.

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When and if, IF, I sell the house,

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I shall settle the money equally on you and on Sandra.

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And that way, you can buy a flat or you might even go back to Wendy.

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-Never.

-Oh, dear.

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Sorry, I don't want to upset you, Mum.

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Not on your birthday.

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Not now. Not ever.

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Mum, you do know that I love you, Mum, don't you?

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Of course I do.

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I love you too.

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Mum, do you remember Mrs Gale?

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Queenie? Well, of course I do. Why?

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She's your surprise birthday present.

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What do you mean?

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Well, I know I'm extra trouble so I've asked her to come and help.

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Just once a week. I'm paying her.

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-What?!

-It's great isn't it? You liked Queenie, didn't you?

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But in small doses.

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To be quite honest, she wasn't always easy.

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Actually, some of the time, she could be a liability.

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But you are pulling my leg, though, aren't you?

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No.

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Roger. It's out of the question.

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-But, but, but I've asked her. She's coming.

-Well, she can't! I couldn't cope.

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I mean it. Roger, you've got to stop her.

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Yeah, I'll go... I'll tell her.

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Please do!

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Yeah, I'm sorry.

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I know you meant well.

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-Edith.

-Mmm?

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-I've been thinking.

-Tell me.

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Well, I'm...

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I'm coming round to... to Roger's point of view.

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What's that?

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Well, that you shouldn't sell the house yet.

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Really? Wha... What's made you change your mind?

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Well, you don't need the money.

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I've got quite enough for the two of us, right?

0:19:490:19:52

And if you do sell the house, then Roger will follow us.

0:19:520:19:55

I mean, he's perfectly capable of following us to

0:19:550:19:57

the ends of the Earth, whereas if you don't sell the house,

0:19:570:20:00

he'll almost certainly live here.

0:20:000:20:03

Right? So, there's no real point in selling the house yet, is there?

0:20:030:20:10

Sandra wouldn't be pleased.

0:20:100:20:12

I think Sandra's perfectly able to look after herself.

0:20:120:20:14

I mean, it might not be for long.

0:20:140:20:16

After all, I mean, Roger... Well, you know, he might get better.

0:20:160:20:20

Do you think so? Do you really think so?

0:20:200:20:23

Well, stranger things have happened.

0:20:230:20:26

I heard all that.

0:20:260:20:28

I was standing outside the door.

0:20:280:20:29

Oh, Roger, for heaven's sake.

0:20:290:20:32

I think it's a good idea.

0:20:320:20:34

Nothing's been settled.

0:20:340:20:36

And you know why Phil suggested it, don't you?

0:20:360:20:38

Because when all's said and done, he's a decent bloke.

0:20:400:20:45

That's why.

0:20:450:20:47

Aren't you, Phil? A decent bloke.

0:20:470:20:51

We had a long chat about it and Phil is 100% on my side.

0:20:530:20:58

Aren't you, Phil? Which is very decent, all things said and done.

0:20:580:21:03

DOORBELL CHIMES

0:21:030:21:07

Oh, I wonder who that can be.

0:21:070:21:09

Ah! A delivery van.

0:21:120:21:15

Yes, a Hotfoot delivery van.

0:21:160:21:20

Maybe a nice surprise for Phil.

0:21:200:21:22

Phil, what's up?

0:21:290:21:31

Hmm?

0:21:310:21:32

Hello!

0:21:340:21:35

Mrs G!

0:21:350:21:37

Didn't you get my message?

0:21:370:21:38

Oh Roger, you haven't changed a bit.

0:21:380:21:41

Edith, you remember years ago,

0:21:450:21:47

that mad woman that I had some trouble with...

0:21:470:21:50

-Deidre or...

-Desiree.

0:21:500:21:53

Something like that. Anyway, there are rumours that there've been sightings of her.

0:21:530:21:57

I just wanted to tell you that I have had absolutely nothing

0:21:570:22:00

to do with the... with the fact that she...

0:22:000:22:02

-SHE WHISPERS: Oh, my God! Mrs Gale!

-Nothing to do with...

0:22:020:22:05

-Ooh, it's nice in here, now.>

-Mrs Gale?

0:22:050:22:08

Oh, yes, she's your surprise birthday present.

0:22:080:22:12

Roger was supposed to stop her!

0:22:120:22:15

-Hello!

-Queenie! What a lovely surprise.

0:22:150:22:20

Hello, Edith.

0:22:200:22:21

Happy birthday.

0:22:210:22:23

Oh, oh, thank you.

0:22:230:22:25

Oh, they're lovely. Oh, you shouldn't have.

0:22:250:22:28

Blimey, it's a bit like a mausoleum in here, isn't it?

0:22:280:22:31

Queenie, this is Phil.

0:22:310:22:33

Oh, pleased to meet you.

0:22:330:22:35

Aren't you the Phil that was connected with that...

0:22:350:22:38

Distinguished campervan company. Yes. Yes.

0:22:380:22:41

Queenie used to help me with the housework 40 years ago.

0:22:410:22:45

Yeah, those were the days. Good times.

0:22:450:22:47

Happy times.

0:22:470:22:48

So, when Roger got in touch, I was as pleased as punch.

0:22:480:22:52

Yes, you see, I didn't know that Roger...

0:22:520:22:54

I know.

0:22:540:22:55

I'm the big birthday surprise.

0:22:550:22:57

Well, he said he was back home causing trouble

0:22:570:22:59

and you needed help looking after him.

0:22:590:23:01

-Er...

-Yeah.

0:23:010:23:03

I know, Roger.

0:23:030:23:04

You scallywag.

0:23:040:23:06

You're back home. Your mum needs reinforcements.

0:23:060:23:08

Queenie, I'm terribly sorry, and I don't quite know how to put this.

0:23:080:23:12

Oh, you're not going to tell me I'm too old.

0:23:120:23:14

No, you're not going to tell me I'm too old.

0:23:140:23:16

No, of course not, no. It's just...

0:23:160:23:19

And by the way, I don't want paying.

0:23:190:23:21

I don't need the money. No, I'll do it for love.

0:23:210:23:24

And for all those precious memories.

0:23:240:23:26

-Queenie.

-I'm paying.

-Roger...

0:23:260:23:28

I am, I've sold the car. It's a done deal.

0:23:280:23:30

And how long would that last?

0:23:300:23:32

You'll be down the tuck shop squandering it on gobstoppers

0:23:320:23:36

and liquorice laces.

0:23:360:23:38

That's very astute of you, Mrs Gale.

0:23:380:23:40

Oh, no, Queenie. Call me Queenie.

0:23:400:23:43

And so, you've been, you've been away?

0:23:440:23:47

Yes, I've been to Tasmania, Canada, Holland.

0:23:470:23:51

All with different husbands. All dead.

0:23:510:23:53

Nobody will marry me now because they think I've got the evil eye.

0:23:530:23:57

Mrs Gale! How amazing is that!

0:23:590:24:03

Oh, you've not forgotten me, then.

0:24:030:24:04

Uh, not a chance.

0:24:040:24:06

No, I wouldn't forget you either, Sandra.

0:24:060:24:09

Queenie's my birthday present from Roger.

0:24:090:24:11

I'm the big birthday present.

0:24:110:24:13

- I'll coming to give her a hand. - Really?

0:24:130:24:15

Well, with Roger back home, she needs all the help she can get.

0:24:150:24:19

Yeah, well, she certainly does, but not for long, we hope.

0:24:190:24:23

-How's that?

-Mum has plans.

0:24:230:24:25

Well, if you're referring to the selling of the house,

0:24:250:24:27

-then things have changed.

-Oh?

0:24:270:24:29

Please, can we not talk about this now?

0:24:290:24:31

Roger wasn't the only troublemaker then, was he?

0:24:310:24:35

Do you remember when you took your clothes off in front of the vicar?

0:24:350:24:39

- No. - How old were you?

0:24:390:24:41

-19.

-She was four.

0:24:410:24:42

And the reverend Bruce and his wife were both very amused.

0:24:420:24:46

-Really?

-What has changed?

0:24:460:24:49

Oh, Phil thinks that selling the house is a bad idea.

0:24:490:24:53

Uh, later, later.

0:24:530:24:54

Coo-eee!

0:24:540:24:56

-Who invited her?

-Happy birthday, Edith.

0:24:560:24:59

-I did.

-You absolute swine.

0:24:590:25:02

Wendy. How lovely.

0:25:020:25:04

I wanted to bring you a birthday cake.

0:25:040:25:06

Oh, that's so kind of you. Thank you.

0:25:060:25:09

It's just a bought cake, I'm afraid.

0:25:090:25:11

I would have made one but I didn't have all the ingredients as I...

0:25:110:25:15

..as I...

0:25:170:25:18

..as I couldn't get to the shop. Sorry.

0:25:200:25:22

Wendy! Wendy! SHE SOBS

0:25:220:25:25

-Is that the wife?

-Was the wife.

0:25:250:25:27

-Wendy!

-I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

0:25:270:25:29

Wendy, it's all right.

0:25:290:25:31

It's all right, calm down.

0:25:310:25:32

Birthdays can be very emotional occasions.

0:25:320:25:35

They're usually very happy occasions unless someone can't

0:25:350:25:38

stand not being the centre of attention for five minutes.

0:25:380:25:40

Roger, shut up! Oh, Wendy.

0:25:400:25:44

What is it? What's the matter?

0:25:440:25:45

He's... he's sold the car.

0:25:450:25:48

He sold my CARRRR!

0:25:480:25:50

I saw this coming. It's rather nice being right.

0:25:520:25:55

It wasn't your car!

0:25:550:25:57

It was more than half my car! Much more!

0:25:570:25:59

I'm the one who used it!

0:25:590:26:01

I've got to have a car, Roger.

0:26:010:26:03

I've got to go to work. I've got to pick the children up.

0:26:030:26:05

I use it all the time. You had no right to sell it.

0:26:050:26:09

He's ruined my life again.

0:26:090:26:12

I'm so sorry. I am so so sorry, Edith.

0:26:120:26:14

I promised myself I wouldn't say anything.

0:26:140:26:16

I'd just drop the cake in and say happy birthday and give you

0:26:160:26:19

a hug and go, and if I'd had the car, it would have been home-made.

0:26:190:26:22

-How did you buy the cake?

-What? Online! I had it delivered!

0:26:220:26:25

Well, then you could have bought the ingredients in the same way.

0:26:250:26:28

-And then you could have made your home-made cake.

-Roger! Shut up!

0:26:280:26:31

You're trying to stop Mum selling the house.

0:26:310:26:34

Oh, yeah, yeah, and why do you want her to sell it, eh? Mm?

0:26:340:26:37

The money. That's all you've ever cared about, isn't it? Money.

0:26:370:26:40

I create things. What do you do?

0:26:400:26:42

-Not a lot!

-Yeah, look, usual support from my ever-loyal wife.

0:26:420:26:45

You're getting the support that you deserve.

0:26:450:26:47

Why are you stopping your mum from selling?

0:26:470:26:49

-Strangers.

-Strangers.

0:26:510:26:53

-I don't want strangers here.

-Strangers.

0:26:530:26:55

What are you talking about?

0:26:550:26:57

-I need the car.

-Well, boo-hoo.

0:26:570:26:59

Too late. Get yourself another one.

0:26:590:27:01

Roger! Just listen to yourself. Will you stop this now?

0:27:010:27:05

He can't! Because he is incapable of not saying the first stupid

0:27:050:27:09

rubbishy thing that comes into his head!

0:27:090:27:11

I know! I know!

0:27:110:27:13

Every time! Every time!

0:27:130:27:15

Come on. Let's go.

0:27:150:27:16

-Go where?

-The Crown. Come on.

0:27:170:27:19

But it's... it's your birthday.

0:27:190:27:21

-Yes, exactly.

-Oh, go, go, I'm enjoying this.

0:27:210:27:24

I'm sorry, Phil. I know you've made a big effort.

0:27:240:27:26

No, no, no. You're absolutely right.

0:27:260:27:29

I mean, this is hell.

0:27:290:27:30

-OK.

-Go.

0:27:310:27:33

Get a bit of peace and quiet.

0:27:330:27:36

Oh, and I'm taking pics so you won't miss anything.

0:27:360:27:39

They're going and it's all your fault, Wendy.

0:27:390:27:41

-Roger.

-You despicable apology of a human being.

0:27:410:27:45

Ah! This is a Valentino!

0:27:460:27:49

Oh, we're off to a good start.

0:27:490:27:53

This was meant for you.

0:27:530:27:54

-You horrible, horrible little cockroach.

-Yes!

0:27:540:27:57

You see, Mum? I told you Sandra always hated me.

0:28:000:28:04

-Bloody right!

-WENDY: She's not the only one! I've had it with you, Roger!

0:28:040:28:07

So, the Crown has...beef stroganoff on Tuesdays, does it?

0:28:070:28:11

Yes, I know. Yum, yum.

0:28:110:28:14

Phil and Roger make rival attempts to impress Edith on her seventieth birthday. Roger's bright idea is to invite back Mrs Gale, Edith's chaotic former cleaner.


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