The Marriage Counsellor Hold the Sunset

# Have I the right to hold you?

# You know I've always told you

# I've loved you from the very start

# Come right back, I just can't bear it

# I've got some love and I long to share it

# Come right back, right back where you belong

# Oh, yeah, you belong. #

Oh, my giddy aunt!

Ugh.

Queenie, have you seen the tray?

Oh, under the sink.

Ah! And the little blue milk jug?

Oh, I thought that looked nice on the window ledge.

Oh! And so it does.

-Oh, dear.

-It's all right, Queenie.

Searching for everything in my own kitchen has given me

a new lease of life.

I wish you'd let me take it to the shop.

No, they'll only try and sell you a new one.

There's nothing wrong with this. It's just the plastic casing.

-Is Roger about?

-He's in the shed.

How did he go on with his interview for the toy shop?

They said they'd let him know.

Oh... He'd be good in a toy shop.

If he could put up with the management and the other staff

and the regular hours

and the customers.

-I think you've hit the nail on the head.

-He's very choosy.

-Yes.

-I told him I could get him a job any time.

-With my nephew, Graham.

-Oh?

Yeah, gutting chickens.

He wasn't interested.

No, very choosy.

I know you worry a lot about Roger.

I do, Queenie. I do. He's being impossible,

and now Wendy's pushing for a divorce,

I can't see a happy ending.

Would you like me to have a go?

A go? In what way?

I've been a marriage counsellor in my time.

-Have you?

-Years ago.

-In Tasmania.

-Really?!

Well, I could give it a go.

-They've had counselling.

-Yeah, it was no good, though, was it?

You know, there's too much counselling and not enough doing.

And now, they expect a load of qualifications,

which is totally unnecessary,

if you know what you're on about.

I think they've made up their minds.

Well, "never say utterly hopeless" was my motto.

Queenie, it's very kind of you but, please, don't waste your time.

You've got to get them together again by fair means or foul.

And that way, they get a chance to discover that maybe

it's not so bad after all.

Oh.

What's she up to now?

Oh, making alarmingly free with the superglue trying to mend the vac.

She's got to go, you know?

We need to repossess the kitchen.

-And our lives.

-It's all right.

-One day she'll just stop coming.

-What, you mean...?

No! She'll just get bored and move on.

Now, what about these holiday brochures?

Ah! Well, the frontrunners are Bournemouth, Weymouth

and Ilfracombe.

Do you realise, Edith,

this will be the first time we've ever gone away together.

I know! Be a good chance to see if we're really suited.

You serious?

No, of course not, you fool!

Oh! Now, there's a house with a very famous garden

just inland from here.

Now, that's not far, is it?

No, we could drive there one day for tea.

I know you'd rather go somewhere exotic -

and we will one day.

I promise, we will.

It's just that Roger's still so vulnerable.

I don't feel I can go too far away.

Oh, I know, I know.

Well, anyway, thanks for not making a fuss.

I DID make a fuss. I made a BIG fuss.

Well, thanks for not making an even bigger fuss.

-Oh, hello, Wendy!

-Mrs Gale. Hello.

-How are you?

-Oh, half alive.

-I think you're a marvel

to do this at your age.

You're only as old as your great-grandchildren think you are.

-Oh, are you a great-grandmother?

-Twice.

-Oh, well, that must

make up a lot for having to do this kind of dreary low-paid work.

Oh, it's not dreary. Not dreary at all.

Wendy, I'm sorry you and Roger aren't getting on.

Thank you, but I'd rather not talk about it. Is Edith here?

In the sitting room with Phil.

Oh, Phil.

Oh, he's all right, you know, is Phil.

-If you rub him up the right way.

-Ha! Which way is that?

You've got to tell him he's a nice person

-and you think the world of him.

-But I don't.

Wendy. In my experience, stretching over donkey's years,

if you want to get on with people, if you want to make things better,

you've got to tell some porkies.

Porkies?

If you tell someone they're a nice, kind, decent man,

then sometimes...they turn into one.

Take Roger, for example.

-I'd rather not, thank you.

-Oh, he's not so bad.

I want a divorce, a fair settlement, and that's it.

Well, you're not going to get any sort of a settlement

with that attitude.

What do you mean? What do you know about it?

Well, it's none of my business, but are you going to court?

Well, probably, knowing Roger.

Oh, dear, cos once you get into court,

there's no telling what might happen.

But I'm in the right.

Well, that's not going to help.

If I was your lawyer, I'd be telling you to make sure

that everyone knows that you want Roger back.

But I don't.

Oh, what if I do as you say and I PRETEND I like Roger

and I want him back...

What if he actually comes back?

Are you sure that deep down...

..you wouldn't really like him back?

Are you out of your mind?!

Haven't you been listening to me?

Does nobody listen to me?

What is the matter with me?

It's like I'm invisible!

It's as if I don't exist!

Oh, all right, all right, calm down!

So you don't want him back but you do want a decent settlement.

Well, you've got to stop coming over like a vengeful harpy.

A vengeful harpy?

It's all about PR, Wendy.

But I'm a good person. Everybody says that.

Wendy, your only chance of winning

is to do as I say.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

So...you're still fond of Roger

and you want him back for the sake of the kids.

And have a go at being nice to Phil.

Tell him what he wants to hear.

See how he changes.

Mark my words.

I'm having a panic attack.

You haven't got time for that now.

Oh, hello, Wendy!

Hello. Oh, hello, Phillip. Oh, it's nice to see you.

You're looking well. Well and nice.

See? Good as new.

Oh, Queenie, you're a whizz!

A whizz - and still here.

Right, well, I'll just put it away and then I'll be off.

Well, I think I'll, er, I'll go for a stroll.

Oh, no, please, please don't go on my account.

Well, I was thinking more on MY account, actually.

It's just, I've got something quite important to say

and I'd like you to be here, Phillip, when I say it,

because you're so wise and decent and nice in these circumstances.

Well, actually, you're ALWAYS kind and helpful in most -

no, any, actually, all, all circumstances.

Well, we do our best.

Yeah, when in difficulties, I often find myself thinking,

"What would Phillip do in these circumstances?

-"What would Phillip say?"

-Really?

-Wendy, would you like a cup of tea?

-Oh, no, no, thank you.

Actually yes. Yes. Yes, I would.

I think it's so ungracious to refuse things, don't you?

One doesn't want to deprive people of the pleasure of giving, does one?

I mean, it's just, it's so important, don't you think?

How ARE you, Phillip? Are you enjoying life?

I'm not sure.

# Sunshine came softly through my a-window today

# Cos I made my mind up you're going to be mine... #

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, blimey, I needed that!

Queenie, that was brilliant!

Where did you learn that?

The Salvation Army.

I used to play the trumpet too,

but you need a lot of cough for that, and reliable teeth.

They don't have to be your own, they just have to be reliable.

Cool!

Rog, can I borrow some of these?

If you promise to bring them back.

Yeah, course.

It's for the gig at the centre tonight, for the oldies.

The crock and roll club.

Queenie, you're a gas!

Oh, a gas - I don't think I like the sound of that.

I put Sibelius's violin concerto on once in hospital -

you know, for a change.

The administrator said it was music to top yourself by,

and made me take it off.

Yeah, I can relate to that.

Why don't you come down tonight, give me a hand?

It's a riot. You'd love it.

Yeah, I'm always a bit busy on Thursdays.

Have you heard from the toy shop?

I'm probably too old.

I don't really want it anyway.

Yes, you do.

No, the thing is, Queenie,

I think that the world owes me a living.

I always have done.

Now, a lot of people think that, but they haven't got the guts

to say it, and to be honest, I think it's a sensible view.

The world owes me a living and something's gone wrong

and I'm just having to wait.

Oh, Roger.

No whiff of proper ambition.

No, if Mum sells the house, then I'll get a chunk of the proceeds.

I mean, that's my ambition.

Mmm, will she, though? Are you sure?

What do you mean?

Roger, you and Wendy...

Oh, please, no, not, not, not the W word.

Please.

I reckon, deep down, Wendy still loves you.

No, Wendy doesn't do deep down.

Why don't you give it another try?

I'd rather listen to Sibelius.

Wendy. I know you want to talk about the divorce, but

if it's difficult for you, we can always leave it till another day.

Oh, but I do want to talk about the divorce.

Oh, yes, yes, I do. Very much. Yes, that's why I'm here.

Well, what I'm saying is, um, I want to talk about...

..not getting a divorce.

NOT getting...a divorce?

Do you think I could have a glass of water?

Oh, of course. Yes, yes.

And a large gin and tonic for me, please.

Think how happy it would make your mum.

You know, she confides in me, Roger, and the way things are now, I reckon

there's every chance she could sell the house and you'll get nothing.

She wouldn't do that.

Well, who would blame her?

This is Phil talking, isn't it?

Not just Phil.

What can I do?

Well, first of all, you've got to say,

for the sake of the kids, you're going to ask Wendy to take you back.

What?!

GLUGGING

I want him back. I want him to come home.

Oh, Wendy!

Oh, I can't tell you how pleased I am to hear you say that.

-Yes!

-It's so generous of you.

-It is, isn't it?

Remarkably, all things considered.

Um...why?

-Phil, we're all being positive here.

-It's the twins.

-Oh, of course it is.

-They miss their dad.

Oh, it must be so upsetting for them.

Jason's gone dyslexic and he's started drinking.

I found two empty cider bottles under his bed.

-Oh, dear.

-Can you GO dyslexic?

And Jen's begun harming herself.

My goodness.

She threw herself down the stairs twice this week.

She said that Jason pushed her, but I know that's not true.

Well, it's a statistical fact that most homicides occur

-within the family.

-Phil, listen to what's being said.

And it's all because Roger has abandoned them,

and that's why I want him to come home.

At some considerable self-sacrifice to myself, I might add.

I always knew you were a generous person, Wendy.

-I am.

-Have you spoken to him?

You must be joking, no.

No! Oh, no, not yet.

But I will.

-You must.

-Yes.

We can carry on sleeping in separate beds.

No need for any of that... rumpy-pumpy.

I mean, I know he finds me physically repellent.

I'm sure that's not true.

I suppose he might be persuaded to change his mind

if I wore one of those ridiculous

suggestive nighties.

But not that he's such a turn-on.

Mind you, that's easily fixed.

A little more focus on personal hygiene would be

of considerable assistance.

-Well, I think I'll go for that stroll.

-Oh, no, wait.

Wait, please. Please.

I'm humiliating myself horribly here in a very worthy cause

and I'd like you to be here to appreciate it.

It's a great honour.

Phil...

I don't want to have to go through this again.

I don't think I could.

But what if I ask her to take me back and she says yes?

Well, say the worst happens and, and, and she says,

"Roger I still love you, and I forgive you,

"and please will you come back?"

Well, then you...you've got to say yes.

And, Rog, this is the vital bit.

You've got to give it a proper go.

For long enough for your mum to see what you're made of.

Oh!

If you want to be in your mum's good books,

then you've got to do what I say.

HE GRUNTS

Try and be a bit more grown-up.

But I don't want to be a grown-up, Queenie.

Being grown-up was my big mistake.

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

Do you know, in all these years, he's never told me he loved me.

Not once. He's never said, "I love you, "Wendy.

I'm so sorry. I...I didn't realise things were so bad.

He didn't even say, "Wendy, you've got a nice bottom."

Everybody used to say that.

Actually, you do have a nice bottom.

-Phil...

-Thank you.

You're a gentleman, Phillip - Phil. A real gentleman.

-Pleasure.

-They don't make them like you any more.

-No, they don't.

They broke the mould when they made you.

Yeah, they did. Yes, they broke the mould.

-Thank you for all of the flattery.

-It's true.

Yes, well, I think we've probably exhausted that subject now,

haven't we? You...you still want him back now?

I want him back because...

I want him to be there when things go wrong.

You need a man in the house.

I want the kids to know who to point the finger at.

That's a reasonable thing to want, isn't it? Phillip? Phil?

It's perfectly reasonable, yes, I mean,

if you can teach the kids to point the finger at someone,

then you've really set them up for life, haven't you?

No, no, no, wait. That's not, that's not really what I meant.

Oh, no. Oh, no, I get in such a tangle.

No, what I'm saying is, I want to do the right thing by everybody.

Always. With no exception.

Well, that's very admirable.

Isn't it, Phil?

Yes, full of it. I mean, full of admiration.

Well, thank you for listening and for being so patient.

Aw...Wendy.

You know, it's moments like this

that I realise

what a truly great man Roger is.

Now, come on, let's talk about our jaunt...

I've got some brochures here, with luxury hotels.

Let's...let's clear the air a bit with some fun.

Oh...

Oh, yeah - knew you'd be glad to see me.

Wendy was just here.

Where...? Uh, has she gone?

A moment ago.

Well, you could probably catch her if you're quick.

She's got something to say to you. Something very important.

Well, that's Wendy for you, isn't it?

Rarely has anything unimportant to say.

Doesn't have it in her.

Wendy has a lot to teach me and I've got a lot to learn.

For example...?

I've decided to go back to her.

For the sake of the children, if she'll have me.

Oh, Roger!

Sit down, darling, before you fall down.

Oh, I'm so pleased!

Oh, of course she'll have you back. She just said so.

What?! I mean, great, yeah.

Um, when was that?

Well, just now, when she was here.

Oh, that's, that's fabulous.

That's really good news, then, isn't it?

I just can't believe it.

Unbelievably, er, good.

You know, this isn't easy for me, you know,

after all the sewage that's passed under the bridge, but I'm determined

to do the right thing, and the main thing is just to forget the past.

Forget the past.

Yes, cos when it was here, it didn't help us at all, did it?

For my part, for example,

I will never again refer to the disastrous changes my wife made

without consulting me to the seating arrangement

at our wedding reception.

Even though it was the cause of much rancour and bitterness,

that is now all over and done with and completely forgotten.

Oh, Roger, I'm so proud of you.

Really?

I know this isn't easy for you.

-No, it isn't.

-But it's for the best.

Yes. Yes, it is. It's for the best.

Are there any biscuits?

Roger?

Well, you better go and tell her, then, hadn't you?

-Tell her?

-Wendy. Tell her.

Tell her what?

Tell her that you want to go back to her.

Oh, I will.

Off you go, then.

Well, you can't rush these things.

Yes, you should. Course you should rush them.

Certain things like these are better rushed.

Now, go and find Wendy.

Then we can all relax.

Right, OK.

I'm off, then.

Roger?

Do you know, they keep finding new galaxies?

New solar systems that are probably, in many ways,

very similar to the planet Earth.

In fact, it's ridiculous to think that there isn't life

out there in space.

Tonnes of it, and it's all a matter of time.

Time for life to evolve.

Because that's how life can happen in the universe.

Cos it's so vast.

Full of time.

Roger, what are you talking about?

Yeah, OK, I'm off.

Bloody hell.

If this really works out...

Oh, please, God, let it work out.

-I wonder if Queenie's had a go at them.

-Queenie?

-Well, yes,

she was going on about how she used to be a marriage counsellor.

-Mrs Gale?

-In Tasmania.

I didn't know they had marriage in Tasmania,

let alone marriage counselling.

Come on, Edith, let's go! We're on that crest of a wave!

Right, I'll go and get my stuff.

Quick pit stop for lunch and then we're off, in time to have dinner.

-Well, where?

-Anywhere!

I mean, we'll just find somewhere to stay

when we get to wherever we go to.

-A beach hut.

-Heaven!

-Bliss!

ENGINE STARTS

I can't.

Just...do it.

You've dialled it... You...

Hi, Wendy.

Yes, it's me.

-I can't talk now, I'm in a meeting.

-A meeting?

What is it? Roger?

-What meeting?

-It's finished now.

What do you want?

I want...to come home.

-Is Mrs Gale there with you?

-Who?

-No, no.

-Did she tell you to do this?

No. No!

My...heart...

..told me to do it.

My...foolish, foolish heart.

Wendy.

Will you have me back?

Well...

..yes. For the sake of the kids.

-Great, thanks.

-But Roger, I just...

I'm sorry, I've got to go, I'm at the dentist.

Ow, yeah, see you later.

Well done. Good boy.

I'm not sure that I can go through with this.

Well, it's your choice, Roger.

No Wendy, no house.

SEAGULLS CAW

Oh, Phil, it's...

..charming.

Oh, look. You can even see a little bit of sea.

Well, that'll be useful.

THUD!

-What's the matter?

-No, no, it's, it's perfect.

A weekend of nonstop ducking.

Edith.

What?

You promised.

I'm turning it off. Look. Look.

Put it away.

There.

THEY SIGH CHUCKLING

FIRE ALARM RINGS

Roger? Listen, it's Queenie.

Listen, I've got a bit of a problem.

And if your mum and Phil are away,

I was hoping you might be able to help me out.

Anything?

But you better hear what it is first.

Oh, I want to give you a kiss!

Oh, my goodness! Oh, naughty crocodile!

Raaar!

Hello, Queenie!

My name is Methuselah,

and I'm almost as o-o-o-old as you!

Oh, you cheeky thing.

You got the job then?

-No.

-Oh.

Oh, yes. Um, oh, how upsetting for you, Roger.

I'm so, so sorry for you. Poor you.

I didn't want the rotten job but they gave me this instead.

Who does he remind you of, Queenie?

Oh, Rog, not Mr Spongey!

He had this spongey green dinosaur thing.

He wouldn't let it out of his sight.

Oh, he still had it.

Even after we were married.

Yes, until it mysteriously vanished.

Oh, for the hundredth time, it wasn't me.

It was totally not me. He wouldn't even let me wash it.

It was jumping in germs. I was expecting the twins.

God, well, that mu...

..that must have been a very happy time for you both,

when the twins came along.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Yes, it was, it was...

..very happy, wasn't it, Roger?

What?

Uh, yes.

It was lovely.

Of course it was very pressured too, it being twins, but, um...

..we had each other, didn't we?

Yes.

We had each other.

Roger was your rock.

Oh, he was.

My rock.

Grr!

Well, that was a lovely meal, Phil. Thank you.

I just wanted to say something.

-Go on.

-Well, it was, what... Wendy was saying today.

Oh? What's that?

Well, I just wanted to...to make sure that I said something clearly,

or...or that I made absolutely sure

that I did NOT say it clearly.

This sounds very complicated.

It isn't really.

Uh...

I love you, Edith.

I love you.

So there.

And I love you, Phil.

MUSIC: Get Off Of My Cloud by Rolling Stones

Hello, Terry!

Hello! You having fun?

It's a bit crowded, isn't it?

A lot of people are here!

Oh, that's my husband. That's my husband.

Roger! Roger?

-This is my husband. This is Roger.

-Hi, hello!

-And his new friend.

This is Methuselah.

Rargh! Pleased to meet you! Pleased to meet you!

Roger!

HE GROWLS AND MUTTERS

Roger...

Roger, calm down. Roger, stop it, stop it!

Stop it, please.

Roger!

Roger!

It's the crocodile or me!

Don't you...!

Methuselah!

-Excuse me!

-Keep it down!

-Give it a rest!

-It's too noisy!

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hello, Phil? Oh, hang on I can't hear you.

How are you doing, Lionel?

-Ooh, please.

-Are we not dancing tonight?

No, no, I'm trying to find a quieter spot.

No, no, don't hang up, Phil! No, please, don't hang up.

No, I'm calling from Edith's.

There was a fire at the centre, so Roger told Mrs Gale

that she could hold her old people's party here

and now all the neighbours are up in arms,

but don't worry, I'm totally keeping everyone calm.

Oh, Roger didn't get the toy shop job.

He was here tonight, behaving very strangely.

Very strangely indeed.

We had a big row. Entirely his fault.

So I'm afraid, despite all my efforts,

the big reconciliation is off.

Though, I think you'll agree I did my best.

I really, really did.

I was totally up for it, but there it is.

The twins are OK, and I will never speak to that meddling,

barking, ghastly Mrs Gale again, as long as I live.

-SIRENS BLARE

-I hope you're having a lovely time

and don't worry about a thing. Oh! Police are here now!

Bye!

-And?

-Uh, no problem. Everything's OK.

Wendy's in charge and she says she hopes we're having a wonderful time.

Everything's OK? Does that mean she and Roger...

Yeah, well, she didn't say.

Not a word.

So, um, we should go get a nightcap, shouldn't we?

-Good idea.

-Yeah.

You can tell me the truth on Monday.