The Burglary Hold the Sunset


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The Burglary

Sitcom. As tensions grow between Roger and Wendy, a midnight break-in brings Edith face to face with a ghost from her past.


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# Have I the right to hold you?

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# You know I've always told you

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# I've loved you from the very start

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# Come right back

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# I just can't bear it

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# I've got this love and I long to share it

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# Come right back

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# Right back where you belong

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# Oh, yeah

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# You belong. #

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Wendy, please sit down. You're making me nervous.

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-I'm sorry. I know I'm a nuisance.

-You're not a nuisance.

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-A liability.

-You're not.

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-A bore.

-Well, if you go on thinking you are...

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You see?

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Wendy, sit down, please. That's all I'm asking.

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Never used to be boring.

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I used to be outgoing and fun.

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Friends. Whatever happened to them? They used to remark on it.

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"You're so much fun, Wendy. You're so life-enhancing."

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Are you eating properly? You look as if you've lost some weight.

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I'm getting fat. It's all the worry.

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I constantly have to eat comforting, high-calorie junk food.

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"You're so vivacious, Wendy," they used to say.

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Well, you are vivacious.

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Yes, but in the wrong way.

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Oh, and I dreamt I killed Roger.

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-Oh, dear.

-Last night. And I didn't just kill him.

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I did unspeakable things to him first.

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Oh, my goodness.

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Yeah, with chainsaws and corkscrews and baths of acid and...

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Eee-eee-eee-eee!

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You know, like in that film by... by Hancock.

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Hitchcock. That must have been extremely unpleasant for you.

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-Not really.

-No?

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-Not at all.

-Ah.

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You see, that's what worries me.

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Inch by inch, he's turning me into a pathologically violent killer.

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It was only a dream.

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A very vivid dream.

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I don't want to be a murderer.

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-Well, no.

-A fat murderer.

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And I certainly don't want to be punished for doing away with Roger,

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-however lenient the sentence.

-Wendy...

-Yes?

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What did you come to see me about?

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Roger's in arrears with the mortgage! I just...

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EDITH SIGHS

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Should that thing be off the leash?

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-What?

-I don't want to get snapped at.

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You won't be.

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You seem very confident.

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I am.

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He's dead.

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-Dead? Are you sure?

-Well, of course I'm bloody sure!

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Sorry. Sorry.

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I wouldn't be wrong about that, would I?

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No, I'm sorry. Sorry.

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He died on Saturday.

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Heart attack.

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Very sorry.

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It's all right. You don't have to say anything.

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-I know you don't mean it.

-No, I do, I do really.

-Really?

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Really, yes, uh...

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Every dog's death diminishes me.

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Excuse me?

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Well, my wife, Celia, she died eight years ago, you know,

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so I know what it's like. It's not easy.

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This is one of your bad-taste jokes.

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No, no, certainly not.

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Are you seriously suggesting there's

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an equivalence between your late wife and Wellington?

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-Wellington?

-My dog.

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You're suggesting that Wellington and your wife were on a par?

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Well, obviously I wouldn't have married Wellington.

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See? Bad-taste jokes again.

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You just can't resist them, can you?

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No, no, no, no, no, look, I'm trying to make a serious point.

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I mean, death is indivisible.

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Whether it's a beloved animal or a spouse, it's...

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not dissimilar in effect.

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Well, yes, I see.

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Love can't tell the difference.

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That's my belief.

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I miss him...in more ways than I ever expected.

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At every turn.

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Of course you do. I miss Celia.

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That's the way it goes.

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He always let me know when someone was at the door.

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Oh, that was useful. Celia was rather shy in that department.

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She always let me answer the door.

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He snored.

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Gently. Very calming.

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Yes, well, he had the edge on Celia there.

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Unless he heard something outside, then he really let rip.

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Lots of burglaries around here at the moment.

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Do you have a burglar alarm?

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No.

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Oh, I hear strange noises in the night all the time.

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You're still, erm, carrying his leash.

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Are you going to get another one?

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I think I may be too old for another Wellington.

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Well, I'd recommend a cat.

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Not expensive to run,

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and keeps me in touch with the infinite on a budget.

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I'm a dog man. Always have been.

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But, um...

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..thanks.

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Yes.

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Thank you.

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Poor sod.

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It's a vendetta, isn't it?

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He'd like to see us destitute,

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out on the streets without a roof over our heads.

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Preferably starving. He'd enjoy that.

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Perhaps he forgot.

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Edith, forgive me for saying so,

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but you've got to stop giving Roger the benefit of the doubt.

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You've always loved him unconditionally

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and see where it's led.

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Wendy, you've got a very strange way of asking for sympathy.

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I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm asking for justice.

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I think you mean revenge.

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I'm not a vindictive person. Far from it.

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But I do think that Roger and people like him should be

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in prison for the good of society as a whole.

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Right.

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Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.

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-I'll pop back later.

-Phil, Phil...

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-I forgot something. You know, you need a burglar alarm.

-What?

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Anyway, this looks like the sort of conversation that's best

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conducted in the absence of chaps.

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Phil, get in. Get in.

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Dugdale's dog died.

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Roger's fallen behind on the mortgage.

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Is that our problem?

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Well, it's almost certainly mine.

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OK, well, where is he? I'll kill him.

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How will you do that?

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In quite a different way to me, I expect. More...more methodical.

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-Oh...

-How far behind on the mortgage do you have to get

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before they confiscate the property?

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Well, it depends on your prospects and the lender.

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I mean, did you borrow the money from a reputable building society

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or the local branch of the Stoke Poges mafia?

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-I don't know.

-Well, I mean, when they came to the door

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were there any signs of coercion? You know, baseball bats,

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hear a lot of shouting, cleavers, that sort of thing?

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-Phil?

-Hm?

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Incidentally, that white Audi out there, is that yours?

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-Yes.

-Well, it's a very nice car for a bankrupt.

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Roger got it cheap.

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Did he?

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Well, he wouldn't have bothered, but Edith was so upset

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when he sold my old car. He only bought this to please you.

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Dugdale's dog died.

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I-I-I mentioned it earlier, but I don't think you took it in.

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Dugdale's dog died? Oh, I'm sorry. Poor man.

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I know, I was trying to console him.

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Hello?! What about me? What am I going to do?

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Divorce Roger, take possession of the house,

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mortgage it again or sell it,

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find yourself a better job,

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flog the Audi and get a scooter.

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A scooter?!

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How am I supposed to take the twins to school on a scooter?!

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Practice!

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SHE SOBS

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SHE CRIES

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DOOR CLOSES

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I'm sorry, it's just that Wendy doesn't always bring out the...

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very best in me.

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POTS CLATTER

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Roger, what are you doing?

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Security.

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There's been a few burglaries in the neighbourhood

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and the kitchen is the weakest spot in this house.

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Well, Phil's going to fit an alarm.

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Yeah, but when?

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Tomorrow, I expect.

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It might be too late by then.

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We might be all murdered in our beds.

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If someone broke in to steal something,

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they wouldn't want to murder us, would they?

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Not you.

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-Not me?

-Me.

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-What are you talking about?

-I've got enemies.

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Could you just hold this end for me?

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Roger, now you're frightening me. "Enemies"?

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Wendy.

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Oh, good gracious. Wendy wouldn't hurt a fly.

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Yeah? You haven't seen her diary.

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You know, she left it on the kitchen table, open, on purpose,

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-so that I'd read it.

-This isn't going to work. It's crazy.

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You won't believe the fate she has in store for me.

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Dozens of pages of it, all in little tiny, poisonous, spidery writing.

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She's just venting her anger.

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She was furious with me. Even from the very beginning,

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-before we were married.

-You're making all this up.

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See, the thing is, I didn't really want to go out with her

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-and she knew it.

-So why did you?

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Well, I was desperately in love with Rose.

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Rose? Her sister?

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I was crazy about Rose.

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I only pretended to fancy Wendy so I could be close to Rose.

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So why didn't you go out with Rose?

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Oh, she was going out with Martin Norton and I hoped that

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that would break down and I'd be strategically placed.

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I hoped that true love would win out in the end.

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So you were stuck with Wendy.

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Yeah, tragically.

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And even...

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And even more tragically, Wendy got stuck with you.

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Roger, I don't want to hear any more of this.

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Any of it. Ever.

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And put all this lot back where you found it. Now!

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DISTANT SMASHING

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MUFFLED LOUD MUSIC

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SHE SIGHS

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Bloody Roger.

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RADIO JINGLE

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MUSIC: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones

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Oh, yes!

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-Come on!

-VOLUME INCREASES

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MUSIC THUMPS

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-HE PLAYS ALONG

-# I can't get no

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# Satisfaction... #

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What on Earth?

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# I can't get no

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# Satisfaction

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# Cos I try

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# And I try

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# And I try

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# And I try!

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# I can't get no

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# I can't get no

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# When I'm drivin' in my car

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# And a man comes on the radio

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# He's telling me more and more

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# About some useless information

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# Supposed to fire my imagination

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# I can't get no

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# Oh, no, no, no

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# Hey, hey, hey

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# That's what I say

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# I can't get no... #

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Hi!

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# Satisfaction

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# I can't get no

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# Satisfaction... #

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MUSIC STOPS

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Sorry, did I wake you?

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Who the hell are you?

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Er, Steve.

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Would you like a cuppa?

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Are you a friend of Roger's?

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Roger's? Vincent Rogers?

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What are you doing here?

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Oh, I'm your, I'm your local friendly burglar.

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"Friendly"?

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I'm completely 'armless.

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Well, I'm not completely 'armless cos I do have one arm.

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-Oh?

-Yeah - armless, harmless.

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I've got to get that joke in before anybody else does.

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I know, it's pathetic, I know.

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My son... Both my sons are upstairs.

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They'll be down in a moment. They're calling the police.

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-Excellent.

-Excellent?

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Yeah, don't worry about it.

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I don't understand.

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I wouldn't expect you to. People like you.

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-People like me?

-Well, comfortable people. Nice houses.

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That's a bit steep, isn't it?

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You break into my house and then you blame me for having one.

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HE LAUGHS

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I like that!

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You'll go to prison.

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Yeah, they're a bit slow around here.

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Who is?

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The police. The dawdle squad. That's what we call them.

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Who's "we"?

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Me, and my fellow losers.

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Losers?

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Yeah, that's what I am. A loser.

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How nasty.

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Well, nobody likes a loser.

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I didn't mean that.

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I meant the expression.

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Loser, you know, winners and losers.

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That's not what life should be like.

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No, it's not, but it is.

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I don't agree with that.

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There's more to you than meets the eye.

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Was that meant to be a compliment?

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Hey... Do I know you?

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Do you live around here?

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I used to, about 100 years ago.

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What... You do look familiar, somehow.

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Do you remember the great deposit box robbery in Knightsbridge?

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Hmm?

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£34 million never recovered.

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No. Were you involved in that?

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No.

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Oh! Wait a minute!

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Wait a minute!

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Eddie Somerton, Mada Avenue, July 1962.

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Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

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Bob! Bob Angel-Face Whitley!

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Yeah, I wish you wouldn't say that.

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The handsomest boy in town!

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Yeah, don't remind me!

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I'd forgotten all about you!

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Had you? Had you really?

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Well, not completely.

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I had wondered from time to time what you were up to,

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but, to be honest,

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I've never thought of you with any great fondness.

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I'm not surprised. I was a...

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callous, self-centred bastard.

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What are you doing in my kitchen?

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Oh, I decided to go back inside.

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-Back inside? In prison?

-Yeah.

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You know, even at this time of year, it gets cold at night.

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What happened to your arm?

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Oh, well, car crash. Head-on.

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Trans-Siberian Highway.

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Oh, how dreadful. I'm sorry.

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And you, eh? Nice home.

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Nice husband. Nice kids.

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Lovely grandchildren?

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Well, quite lovely.

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I'm happy for you. I really am.

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Ah...

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-Don't tell me - your husband died.

-Yes.

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I'm sorry.

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But, Eddie...

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this is the hand of fate bringing us back together again.

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You do realise that, don't you?

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This was meant.

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That's not quite how I see it.

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You will. You're in shock just now, but you will.

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We can turn the clock back.

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We can get back together again.

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Anything is possible.

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Are you sure you don't know my son Roger?

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He's big on putting the clocks back.

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The one upstairs?

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Tell him to call the police back and say it was a mistake.

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I doubt he called them. He's probably still asleep.

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And there's only one son, really.

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Eddie...

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I always loved you.

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I was...

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..completely and utterly obsessed by you.

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Besotted.

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Until you met someone else. Someone with money.

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-That was a mistake.

-Not fate?

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No, bad luck. Very bad luck.

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Edith! It's all right, I'm here!

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Quick, get behind me! Get behind me!

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-Who are you?

-This is my friend Phil.

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Oh. Hello, Phil.

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Where are the police?

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Well, they're very slow around here, apparently.

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-What?

-The dawdle squad.

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-Where's Roger?

-Asleep, I should think.

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I asked Roger to call the police when he called me.

0:18:370:18:39

Where the hell have you been?!

0:18:390:18:42

Upstairs, keeping guard.

0:18:420:18:43

Well, did you call the police?

0:18:430:18:45

-Yes.

-He's lying. I'm a pro. I know.

0:18:450:18:48

I couldn't remember the number.

0:18:480:18:51

You couldn't remember the number?!

0:18:510:18:53

Now he's telling the truth.

0:18:530:18:54

You couldn't remember the nu... You couldn't remember 999?!

0:18:540:18:59

Yeah, well, I can now, but I couldn't then.

0:18:590:19:01

I was stressed. I thought you were going to ring the police.

0:19:010:19:03

No, no, you were going to call the police!

0:19:030:19:05

Mum, are there any biscuits?

0:19:050:19:07

SHE SIGHS

0:19:070:19:08

Who the hell are you, anyway? What are you doing here?

0:19:100:19:13

Oh, this is kismet that I'm here.

0:19:130:19:16

You see, Eddie and I were once at item.

0:19:160:19:20

Yes, 1962 for six weeks. Or was it five?

0:19:200:19:23

Bob Angel-Face Whitley.

0:19:230:19:25

I wish you wouldn't say that.

0:19:250:19:26

He broke into here so we'd call the police

0:19:260:19:28

and then he'd get put away for a while out of the cold.

0:19:280:19:31

Well, then, I think that we can oblige him.

0:19:310:19:34

Er, no, I've changed my mind.

0:19:340:19:35

-No, you haven't.

-Eddie...

0:19:350:19:37

How did you lose your arm?

0:19:370:19:39

Oh, er, line of duty.

0:19:390:19:42

Shellfire.

0:19:420:19:43

First Gulf War.

0:19:430:19:45

Oh, was it painful?

0:19:450:19:46

Yeah, extremely. But I wouldn't let them give me anaesthetic.

0:19:460:19:49

I wanted to... I wanted to know what was going on.

0:19:490:19:52

Cool. Did you kill anyone?

0:19:520:19:54

Well, not intentionally.

0:19:540:19:56

Did you get a medal?

0:19:560:19:57

Perhaps you'd like to continue this conversation as a prison visitor?

0:19:570:20:01

Er, no, no, no jail.

0:20:010:20:03

I'm turning over a new leaf with the help of Eddie.

0:20:030:20:07

No, I'm afraid that's not possible.

0:20:070:20:08

Who says? The valiant neighbour?

0:20:080:20:11

Phil and I are getting married.

0:20:110:20:13

-Oh, you mean I'm too late?

-Well, 55 years too late.

0:20:130:20:16

Eddie...

0:20:180:20:19

Are you making the right choice?

0:20:220:20:24

You may have lost your looks, Bob...

0:20:240:20:25

-And an arm.

-..and an arm, but you've still got the brass neck.

0:20:250:20:28

Yeah, and that's all I've got left.

0:20:280:20:30

And I'm not very proud of it.

0:20:300:20:32

I'll call the police.

0:20:330:20:35

All right.

0:20:350:20:36

Well, maybe a cup of tea and a piece of cake, maybe?

0:20:360:20:40

Or some smoked salmon?

0:20:420:20:43

Plover's eggs?

0:20:430:20:45

Chocolate ants?

0:20:450:20:46

-Yeah, whatever.

-How did you get that scar?

0:20:460:20:49

Duelling.

0:20:490:20:50

Wow. Did you win?

0:20:500:20:52

Er, yes, I did. Yeah.

0:20:520:20:54

What was it about?

0:20:540:20:56

To settle a gambling debt.

0:20:560:20:58

Cool.

0:20:580:20:59

You'd have grasped by now that my stepson-to-be

0:20:590:21:02

is looking for a role model.

0:21:020:21:04

I'm interested in people. I'm interested in the human predicament.

0:21:040:21:07

That's why I watch documentaries about real people, like Gogglebox.

0:21:070:21:11

Bob, I'm going to make some tea and then I'd like you to go.

0:21:110:21:14

All right.

0:21:150:21:17

Some tea and, er, a cooked breakfast, if you can manage it,

0:21:170:21:21

and then call the police.

0:21:210:21:23

We're entirely at your disposal.

0:21:230:21:25

Do we really need to call the police?

0:21:250:21:26

-I could lend you some money.

-How much?

0:21:260:21:29

Roger! You've got other commitments!

0:21:290:21:32

Like the mortgage.

0:21:320:21:33

Oh, yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah, that. OK, well, I mean,

0:21:330:21:36

I would lend you some if I could.

0:21:360:21:38

Oh. Oh, thanks, buddy.

0:21:380:21:41

A diamond geezer. Nice to meet you.

0:21:410:21:43

Yeah.

0:21:430:21:44

Great to meet you, too. Roger.

0:21:440:21:46

CAR SCREECHES OUTSIDE

0:21:460:21:48

What is it?!

0:21:480:21:49

-Wendy.

-My wife.

-Where?!

0:21:490:21:51

She just drove up.

0:21:510:21:52

With the handbrake full-on. Unmistakable.

0:21:520:21:55

Roger, did you call Wendy?

0:21:550:21:56

Yeah.

0:21:560:21:57

What on earth did you call Wendy for?

0:21:570:22:00

Well, if anyone could scare off an intruder, it would be her.

0:22:000:22:03

She doesn't need any more stress.

0:22:030:22:04

Well, she's always complaining about being left out of the loop.

0:22:040:22:07

What's happened? Is everyone all right?

0:22:070:22:10

Yes, everyone's perfectly all right.

0:22:100:22:12

-Who's this?

-This is Bob.

0:22:120:22:14

Bob Angel-Face Whitley.

0:22:140:22:16

He's a trainee burglar and a professional fraud.

0:22:160:22:19

Wendy, Roger should never have called you.

0:22:190:22:22

Oh, I'm glad he did. I'm glad you're seeing his true nature.

0:22:220:22:25

This is typical of him.

0:22:250:22:26

You know, whenever there's a news story about a serial killer, for

0:22:260:22:28

example, he sends me out alone, late at night, to the 24-hour chemist.

0:22:280:22:31

-PHIL:

-And?

-Phil.

0:22:330:22:35

Well, don't you see? He wants to put me in peril.

0:22:350:22:38

-Oh, here we go.

-I thought someone was calling the police. Phil?

0:22:380:22:41

-PHIL:

-I can't.

-WENDY:

-Why not?

0:22:410:22:43

-PHIL:

-Well, he wants us to.

-WENDY:

-What?

0:22:430:22:45

Would you like a sausage?

0:22:450:22:47

Oh, yes, please.

0:22:470:22:48

Mushrooms?

0:22:480:22:50

Er, no. Not so crazy about mushrooms.

0:22:500:22:51

If we comply with his wishes,

0:22:510:22:53

then aren't we entering into a conspiracy?

0:22:530:22:55

-No.

-Not really.

-No, just don't say. Don't tell them anything.

0:22:550:22:58

-Stay shtum.

-Well, look,

0:22:580:22:59

why don't we just tell the police exactly what happened

0:22:590:23:02

and leave it to them?

0:23:020:23:03

I mean, after all, he did break in, no matter what his motives.

0:23:030:23:06

-How do you like your eggs?

-Er, cooked both sides, please.

0:23:060:23:09

Roger, careful.

0:23:390:23:41

Roger!

0:23:410:23:42

EDITH YELPS

0:23:420:23:43

-Oh, Roger!

-That's it.

0:23:430:23:44

SHE SIGHS

0:23:440:23:46

I knew it would work.

0:23:460:23:47

INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO

0:23:470:23:49

Isn't this the house where all those geriatric hooligans were

0:23:560:23:58

having that rave-up?

0:23:580:24:00

With that mad old bat. What was her name?

0:24:000:24:02

The cuppo. Mrs Gale. One to watch.

0:24:020:24:05

This is a local hot spot, then.

0:24:050:24:08

Looks like it.

0:24:080:24:10

Oh, hello. Talk of the devil.

0:24:100:24:12

Hey, what... What's going on? What's happened?

0:24:140:24:18

We're just going to find out.

0:24:180:24:20

You two stop here. Don't budge.

0:24:200:24:22

It's the police!

0:24:240:24:26

Who called them?

0:24:260:24:27

Don't look at me!

0:24:270:24:29

Well, somebody must have called them.

0:24:290:24:31

Oh! There's a whole police squad out there. Armed.

0:24:310:24:34

Oh, my God.

0:24:340:24:35

I can see why you called me, Roger, I'd have got here sooner

0:24:350:24:38

but I couldn't find me trainers.

0:24:380:24:40

Don't say anything. I'll do the talking.

0:24:400:24:42

This is delicious.

0:24:420:24:44

Like some ketchup?

0:24:440:24:45

Yeah, why not? Mm-hm.

0:24:450:24:46

I hope that gives you terminal gastroenteritis.

0:24:470:24:51

Huh!

0:24:510:24:52

Oh, officer. I'm the person you're looking for.

0:24:540:24:58

I broke into these premises, intent on theft,

0:24:580:25:01

and I was apprehended by the householder here.

0:25:010:25:03

-Not true.

-Absolutely true.

0:25:030:25:05

Not true.

0:25:050:25:06

Bobby?

0:25:060:25:07

Little Bobby Whitley?

0:25:080:25:10

Ha-ha, well, I never.

0:25:100:25:12

What you been up to this time?

0:25:130:25:15

He was always a terrible tearaway, right from the off.

0:25:150:25:19

Ah, true enough.

0:25:190:25:20

He lost the other one larking about with a milk float.

0:25:200:25:24

What's he doing here?

0:25:240:25:25

Embracing kismet.

0:25:270:25:29

Does the owner of the white Audi registration PF16 NNV

0:25:290:25:33

parked on the street at the front of this house live here?

0:25:330:25:36

I don't live here, but that is my car. Why?

0:25:360:25:39

That's a stolen vehicle, madam.

0:25:390:25:40

-What?

-Officer...

-That man! That man, him!

0:25:400:25:43

Him! He gave me that car!

0:25:430:25:44

-Officer, I'm a common felon.

-I'll say!

0:25:440:25:47

-Up to no good.

-I didn't steal it. I bought that car in good faith.

0:25:470:25:50

I must ask you both to accompany me to the police station.

0:25:500:25:53

Officer, arrest me! It's your duty!

0:25:530:25:56

You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defence

0:25:560:25:59

if you do not mention, when questioned,

0:25:590:26:00

something you later rely on in court.

0:26:000:26:02

Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

0:26:020:26:05

-Roger, what have you done?

-Don't say anything.

-Roger!

0:26:050:26:07

I just told you not to say anything! It'll harm your defence.

0:26:070:26:10

Just, just be quiet for once!

0:26:110:26:13

Phil!

0:26:130:26:15

Oh they'll be back in a couple of hours, sadly.

0:26:150:26:18

-DOOR CLOSES

-Unbelievable.

0:26:180:26:20

What's the country coming to?

0:26:200:26:22

I'll see you later, eh?

0:26:270:26:28

Oh, you and Bobby.

0:26:390:26:44

Oh, you never forget your first love, do you?

0:26:440:26:48

Your mum took a real shine to him.

0:26:480:26:51

She was heartbroken when it all came to an end. Heartbroken.

0:26:510:26:55

Broke my heart, too.

0:26:550:26:56

Did it?

0:26:560:26:58

Well, they were made for each other.

0:26:580:27:01

Mrs Gale...

0:27:010:27:02

Oh, I'll go, then.

0:27:020:27:04

DOOR CLOSES

0:27:070:27:08

SHE SIGHS

0:27:080:27:10

Oh, like a cup of tea?

0:27:100:27:11

Oh, will you not offer me the full English, dear?

0:27:110:27:14

Oh, I can, if you'd like one.

0:27:150:27:17

Of course I don't want one.

0:27:170:27:18

I just want an ordinary cup of tea, please.

0:27:180:27:21

SHE STIFLES A LAUGH

0:27:210:27:22

SHE ERUPTS WITH LAUGHTER

0:27:280:27:31

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

0:27:340:27:37

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

0:27:390:27:41

Oh, shut up!

0:27:410:27:42

I can't stop!

0:27:420:27:44

As tensions grow between Roger and Wendy, a midnight break-in brings Edith face to face with a ghost from her past. How can she explain the raffish Bob to Phil?