Roger the Carer Hold the Sunset


Roger the Carer

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# Have I the right to hold you?

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# You know I've always told you

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# I've loved you from the very start

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# Come right back

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# I just can't bear it

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# I've got some love and I long to share it

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# Come right back, right back where you belong

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# Oh, yeah

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# You belong... #

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So, while your mother's out of the room, how... How bad is it?

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Oh, it's not so bad.

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Honestly, I've been through worse.

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-I've got the accounts for last year.

-No, no, no.

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-I don't need them.

-Oh.

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Phil, I've been in business for 20 years and I'm still at it.

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30K be enough?

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Yes, on top of the bank loan.

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Good. And if the business goes belly up,

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I'll be right at the back of the queue, right?

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It won't go belly up, and if it does, I'll... I'll sell my house.

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Oh, all right.

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What would you do then?

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Move in here with Mum and Roger.

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HE CHOKES

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OK, OK, OK.

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-Are you all right?

-Good grief.

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Just when you were about to write the cheque.

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Yeah, well, you know how to kill me now, if you ever wanted.

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-I was joking.

-Mmm, well, tell that to the coroner.

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Roger's feeling a bit better.

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I think it's just a bad cold.

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A cold?

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He's got a cold and he's got you running up there with hot drinks.

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What is that?

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Oh, a crocodile.

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-Well, yes.

-It's Roger's.

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He was so upset when they didn't give him the job at the toy shop

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that they gave him that as a consolation prize.

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-Dear God.

-So, is it all done?

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-Er, yes. Phil is about to write a cheque. Aren't you, Phil?

-Mm-hm.

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Yes, well, I hope all this is going to be all right.

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Oh, it's a bargain.

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A one-year interest-free loan of £30,000

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in exchange for a free monthly haircut for me

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and a perm or whatever for your mum in perpetuity.

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Am I right?

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Absolutely. A huge bargain.

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Mm, and when you're looking for a buyer for a house share

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on the Brooklyn Bridge or the Tower of London,

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I trust you'll give me first refusal.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Don't lend her a penny.

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You'll never get it back.

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You come down to be generous with your germs?

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You're immune.

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If a viper bit her, it'd die.

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-Roger!

-I came for Methuselah.

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Should Phil...

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Should Phil lend Sandra the money?

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-SILLY VOICE:

-What a stupid question! Definitely not.

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No, no, no, no, no, no! Noooooo!

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NO, NOOOOO!

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Night-night.

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Sleep tight.

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Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite.

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This will all be better once the right job comes along.

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BURSTS OUT LAUGHING

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Oh, sorry.

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Ah...

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That's it, come on... No, no, no!

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No!

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Up, up, up!

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Come on... Come on!

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Hello, Roger.

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Oh, Bob. Bob the Burglar.

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Just Bob will do.

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All right. Yeah.

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Can you give me a ha...?

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Sorry.

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You know, I used to fly kites for the army.

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-Signal Corp.

-Cool.

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Yeah, Somaliland campaign.

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-You know, against the Dervish.

-Wow.

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Roger, the Somaliland campaign was in 1920.

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I wasn't even born.

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Ah, right.

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It really pains me to see what a pathetically easy target you are.

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It's no fun for you really, is it?

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It's not as if you're even born yesterday.

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It's like half an hour ago.

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-What can I do?

-Well, it's a problem.

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You know... I could take you under my wing, you know?

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Make you my apprentice, but, you know, I'd have to charge you.

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Well, I've got no money.

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What, nothing?

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Well, I'm in debt.

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No, that means you're rich. The more debt you have, the richer you are.

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You ramp that up to millions,

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they will treat you like royalty.

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I tried to get a job, but my heart's not in it.

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Well, good for you. I never fancied working myself either.

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How is your mother?

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She's a lovely lady.

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Yeah, really good.

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-That's even better.

-What do you mean?

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-You could be a carer.

-What, for Mum?

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Exactly. Make a few bob.

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But she doesn't need a carer. She's fine.

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-So?

-So they won't let me.

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Of course they will!

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No, there'll be forms and stuff to fill in, won't there?

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No, they don't bother about that nonsense.

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You get me your mother's full name, date, place of birth,

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social security number, all that stuff and I'll do the rest.

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-The rest?

-Yeah, a doctor's letter.

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See, er... I know people, right?

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I'm, like, connected.

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Won't they want paying?

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Oh... 300 should do it.

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300?

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Yeah, on account.

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You can pay me back in instalments once you get the job.

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See, it's like an investment.

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You know? You get an income with next to nothing to do for her.

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-Now, I do like the sound of that.

-Yeah.

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Just wish we'd talked about it more first.

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I mean, Sandra's always going on about

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how brilliantly on top of everything she is.

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And then as soon as the ice starts to crack, up you come,

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waving your cheque book in the air.

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Well, I thought you might be grateful.

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Maybe I don't want to be grateful.

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-Are you worried about it?

-Aren't you?

-Not really, no.

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That's a big fib.

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Could be right.

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So, here is a comprehensive account

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by a proper doctor on why your mum needs a carer.

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-I can't do it.

-Why not?

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I'm too nervous.

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-They'll suspect something.

-Nervous is normal.

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Everybody's nervous going through that door.

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If you weren't nervous, they would suspect you.

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Go on, you'll be surprised how easy it is.

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I'll be waiting for you on that bench. Go on.

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How long have you been caring for your mother, Roger?

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Uh, it's about... about six years.

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Months! Months.

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On your own?

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Uh, yes, mainly on my own, yeah.

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I've got a sister but she's dead.

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She works! Sister works.

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So, yeah, yeah, on my own, yeah.

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-Felicity.

-Hmm?

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Questions. Comments.

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It's very kind of you.

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Yes, yes, it is.

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Your doctor says your mother has severe mobility problems,

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has almost entirely lost the power of speech

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and is subject to fits of uncontrollable rage.

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Good grief!

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That sounds really bad, doesn't it?

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Um, I mean, when you say it like that.

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I presume you don't have a regular job.

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No. Um, I did do, but I had to give it up.

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-To look after your mother.

-No... Yes! But not at first.

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That was later, so, um...

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Yeah. Yeah.

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-You must be under a lot of stress, Roger.

-Yeah.

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I am. I am.

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Under a lot of stress.

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Well, there you go. That didn't take too long.

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-How'd it go?

-Oh, I'm finished.

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Done for. I might as well go straight to the police and confess.

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What are you talking about? What happened?

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They're sending an inspector to the house.

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11 o'clock, Thursday morning.

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-Good.

-Good?! It's not good at all.

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It's a disaster.

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I never realised that I was happy, but now I know I was

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compared to this.

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Oh, dear.

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What's up, Rog?

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Oh, nothing at all. Nothing.

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Queenie, will you do me a favour?

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Well, if I can.

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I've got a friend who... who's got a friend who's training to be

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an assessor for people who want to be carers.

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And, erm, but they need someone to practise on.

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What, like a guinea pig?

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Yeah, yeah, just someone to pretend that they can't walk or talk

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and they get a bit frustrated about it.

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Oh, a difficult customer.

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Well, not too difficult

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and you wouldn't have to do anything or even have to say anything.

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Uh, I'd do all the talking.

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Yeah, I think I can manage that.

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I played the front legs of a pantomime horse once

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for four years running.

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The front legs, mind you.

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Well, I'm impressed.

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Yeah. So was I.

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Mainly by the randy little rapscallion

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who played the back legs

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and subsequently became my second husband.

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Um, and just for authenticity's sake, um,

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we'd pretend that you're my mum.

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Oh... Well, if you say so.

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I hope Edith won't mind.

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Oh, no, no, she won't mind.

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But don't say anything to her, will you?

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She won't be here on the Thursday when this person comes

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and if I get a job on the training programme too,

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-then I want it to be a big surprise for her.

-Yeah.

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Thank you so much. We'll see you in six weeks.

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-Love that colour on you.

-Thank you. Bye-bye.

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-Leonora's. Can you hold?

-Hi. Yeah, hi, Sandra.

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-Yeah, it's Rog.

-Rog? Don't ever remember calling you Rog.

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Were we ever that close, Roger? I don't think so.

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-What do you want?

-Uh, yeah.

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Mum's had to rush off somewhere.

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And?

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She asked me to make an appointment for her.

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Um, 11 o'clock Thursday morning.

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Uh, Phil too.

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And she said she wants everything,

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so colouring and perming,

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straightening and all the other stuff.

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-Well, it's either one or the other, Roger.

-Yeah, I know!

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-But that's what she said.

-OK.

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Thursday at 11.

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Great! Great, I'll tell her.

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OK, bye.

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Oh, hello, dear.

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Oh, hi. Hi, Mum. Hi.

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Um, Sandra just called.

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She said she's made appointments for both of you

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-for Thursday morning at 11 o'clock.

-Oh, that's very kind of her.

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Yeah, she said not to be late.

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I think I'll give it a miss.

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She was quite insistent that you both go.

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I don't see why.

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Well, because...

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Because she wants to extend her demographic.

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-Does she?

-Yeah, yeah.

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She wants to regain profitable territory

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from the slap-head generation.

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Have you been at the Weetabix again?

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She believes that your esteemed presence will boost her business.

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Ah, well, now I understand.

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I hope this won't take too long cos I haven't finished the cleaning.

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Now, this is Edith. My mum.

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Mum, this is Miss Oaks.

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Felicity.

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SHOUTING: Hello, Edith! Nice to meet you!

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Felicity is from the social care office.

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Remember? She's here to see if you need a carer.

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Oh, I do. I do.

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I need a carer cos otherwise I won't be able to cope, will I?

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Roger has to carry me to the lavatory.

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Yes, normally she's just completely incontinent.

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Incontinent? Oh, dear.

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I mean, incommunicative.

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Uh, yeah, she can't say a word, can you, Mum?

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But sometimes she has these rather...

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..unexpected bursts of verbal diarrhoea.

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Oh...Oh...

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That's more like it.

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See, she gets so frustrated and irritable not being able to speak.

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Ohhhhh! Ohh.

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Mum. Mum, now Felicity is here to help you.

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Now, if you behave badly, then she might just give up and go away.

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No, no, Edith, I won't do that.

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I'm sure you won't - but may I suggest that we do

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the necessary as quickly as possible just for Mum's sake.

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I must say, you've done it very nicely.

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I love the colours.

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It's good, isn't it? Cost, of course.

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-Vanker and Vanker.

-What?

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The design studio.

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Vanker and Vanker.

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Oh, very unfortunate names.

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They must have had a difficult time in life.

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It's not their real names, Mum.

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-It's the memorable name for the company.

-I'll say!

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So sorry you're having to wait.

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If you hadn't asked for Thursday morning...

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Did we ask for Thursday morning?

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Roger told us that you'd offered Thursday morning.

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-He said that?

-Yeah.

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-Sure?

-Yeah.

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I smell a rat.

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I smell several rats - and the biggest of those is Roger.

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Can she use the toilet on her own?

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Uh, well, I help her but then she's on her own, isn't she?

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I mean, what she does in there is her business, isn't it?

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-Well...

-Baaah...

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And she sleeps upstairs?

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-Yes.

-OK.

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How does she manage the stairs?

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Uh...

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I used to be a fireman,

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so I just throw her over my shoulder and I carry her up.

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Gosh.

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Really?

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Mum, it isn't funny.

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Oh, yes, it is!

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I think you need to have other arrangements.

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Is there a bathroom downstairs on the ground floor?

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DOOR OPENS

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Roger.

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-What's going on?

-Baaah!

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What's the matter with her?

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She's just having one of her days, Sandra.

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Felicity, this is my sister Sandra.

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Felicity works for the local authority care department.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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Now, if you'll excuse me, uh, Felicity.

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I just need to have a quick word with my sister.

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Of course.

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Baah.

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-What are you doing here?!

-What was all that about?

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You're always meddling, aren't you? Always meddling.

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Shut up and tell me what you're playing at.

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Right, Felicity is a friend of mine, OK?

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Now, she is training to assess people to see if they need carers.

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Now, I offered to help her in her training.

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So did Queenie.

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Queenie's pretending to be Mum,

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I'm pretending to be me for the purposes of the exercise.

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-You're lying.

-No, I'm not!

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Where are you going?

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-I've got a few questions for Felicity.

-Yeah, no, wait, wait.

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Um...

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OK, I am lying.

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Now, but...thing is...

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..I'm trying to become a carer.

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-A carer?

-For Mum.

-What?

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I'm committing a criminal act to deceive the local authority

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and to defraud the tax-payer into paying me a carer's allowance.

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Good God.

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Now...and if you let the cat out of the bag, right,

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I will drag you into it

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and I will ruin both your reputation and your business.

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I've got nothing to do with this.

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Your signature's on the application form.

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You...forged my signature? Well, I'll tell them.

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Even if they believed you, it'd get in the papers wouldn't, it?

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And mud always sticks.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Sorry, um, excuse me,

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Roger, your mother's insisting she's Queenie the cleaning lady.

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Oh, no! Not that again.

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She's... She's always doing that these days.

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Isn't she, Sandra?

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Yes.

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Yes, she has been known to do that.

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Oh, there you are, you scallywag.

0:19:280:19:30

I've had enough of being your mum.

0:19:300:19:31

I want to be myself now, and finish the cleaning.

0:19:310:19:34

Oh, no, Mum, don't say that.

0:19:340:19:36

I'm not your mum and I can't honestly say I'm altogether sorry.

0:19:360:19:39

Phil! Phil...

0:19:390:19:41

I'm at Mum's. Get back here fast.

0:19:410:19:44

It's an emergency. Don't say anything to Mum.

0:19:440:19:46

-Just be patient.

-Oh, God.

0:19:460:19:48

Another five minutes, and that's it.

0:19:490:19:52

It's not that I don't want to help you, Felicity.

0:19:530:19:56

-Thank you, Edith.

-Queenie.

0:19:560:19:59

Mum, please.

0:19:590:20:00

"Mum."

0:20:000:20:01

I'll "Mum" you.

0:20:010:20:03

Roger, I wonder if care in the home is really adequate in this case.

0:20:030:20:06

I think it is. I can manage.

0:20:060:20:08

I really, really can.

0:20:080:20:10

She isn't normally this difficult, are you, Mum?

0:20:100:20:12

Baaah.

0:20:120:20:14

It's quite odd.

0:20:140:20:15

She can speak when she's Queenie the cleaner,

0:20:150:20:17

but only sometimes when she's Edith.

0:20:170:20:19

Yeah, it's very peculiar, but you do get used to it.

0:20:190:20:22

Baah!

0:20:220:20:24

What are we going to do?!

0:20:290:20:31

We've got to come clean.

0:20:310:20:32

How? If we tell her the truth, then she'll call the police.

0:20:320:20:36

-My signature is on the application form!

-Forged. Hmm.

0:20:360:20:39

And for once, Roger is right about one thing.

0:20:390:20:42

Mud does stick.

0:20:420:20:43

I mean, some of my customers might decide to go elsewhere.

0:20:430:20:46

-I could be ruined.

-Have you paid the cheque into the account yet?

0:20:460:20:48

-Of course.

-Bugger.

0:20:480:20:50

-I've got an idea.

-But you haven't spent it yet, have you?

-Listen...

0:20:500:20:53

Cos I can't afford to wave goodbye to 30K just like that, right?

0:20:530:20:57

Me neither.

0:20:570:20:58

Somehow...

0:20:580:20:59

Somehow, we have to convince Felicity

0:20:590:21:01

that Roger is barking

0:21:010:21:04

and that we all play along with him

0:21:040:21:06

because, despite everything, we love him...

0:21:060:21:08

..and we can't face putting him into a home.

0:21:080:21:11

Put Roger in a home?

0:21:110:21:12

-So, you go in there...

-Mm-hm.

-..and send Roger to me -

0:21:120:21:15

and we have to keep Felicity in the dark,

0:21:150:21:17

so that means you've got to play along, Phil.

0:21:170:21:19

Oh, and Mrs G's Mum.

0:21:190:21:21

-Right.

-OK?

0:21:210:21:22

What?!

0:21:230:21:25

I'm here twice a week to help Edith.

0:21:250:21:28

Ever since Roger came home.

0:21:280:21:30

Oh, not you, as well.

0:21:320:21:33

Hello, you must be Felicity.

0:21:330:21:36

Y-Yes.

0:21:360:21:37

Good, I'm Phil.

0:21:370:21:38

I'd Edith's friend.

0:21:380:21:40

-Right.

-Roger, could you have a quick word with Sandra, please?

0:21:400:21:44

Now, apparently it's a little bit urgent.

0:21:440:21:46

Well, Edith, how are you, darling?

0:21:460:21:49

Now, don't tire yourself out trying to answer that, so just...

0:21:490:21:53

Phil's my companion.

0:21:560:21:58

Oh, really? That's nice.

0:21:580:22:00

Lovely.

0:22:000:22:02

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-We're going to get married, aren't we?

0:22:020:22:05

Yes, the less you say, darling, the quicker this will be over.

0:22:050:22:08

Oh, you're not going to jilt me, are you, Phil?

0:22:080:22:11

Well, I'm seriously considering it!

0:22:120:22:15

Now, do see if you could be as quiet as possible.

0:22:150:22:17

I know that you can if you really try.

0:22:170:22:20

OK, that's enough, I've done my bit.

0:22:200:22:21

I need to vac the dining room.

0:22:210:22:23

No, no, no, no, Edith.

0:22:230:22:24

I absolutely refuse to let you do any of the cleaning, Edith.

0:22:240:22:28

That's Mrs Gale's job.

0:22:280:22:30

He knows perfectly well who I am.

0:22:300:22:32

Indeed I do, Edith.

0:22:320:22:34

Queenie.

0:22:340:22:35

I don't want you to think that I'm a snob,

0:22:350:22:38

but could you imagine someone like me marrying a cleaning lady?

0:22:380:22:42

-Um...

-Point of information -

0:22:420:22:45

I know some very marriageable cleaning ladies.

0:22:450:22:49

No doubt - but you're not one of them.

0:22:490:22:51

Do you mind? I've been married three times.

0:22:510:22:53

No, no, you're not one of them because you're Edith.

0:22:530:22:56

You see how fickle men are.

0:22:580:23:01

When he thinks I'm Edith, he wants to marry me.

0:23:010:23:03

When he thinks I'm a cleaning lady, he doesn't.

0:23:030:23:06

If you don't shut up, I won't marry you!

0:23:060:23:08

Or employ you as a cleaning lady,

0:23:080:23:11

or whatever it is that you're doing on the appointed day.

0:23:110:23:15

So, don't take any notice of us.

0:23:150:23:17

It's a little jovial pre-marital banter.

0:23:170:23:20

So, um, have you been doing the...the job long?

0:23:220:23:25

Oh, not long at all, really.

0:23:250:23:27

That's why Mrs Poole should really be here with me.

0:23:270:23:29

-Phil...

-Sh. Listen to what Felicity's saying.

0:23:290:23:33

You wouldn't like to carry me to the lavatory, would you?

0:23:330:23:36

No, thank you, Edith.

0:23:360:23:37

No, not today.

0:23:370:23:38

And if this gets out, as it certainly will

0:23:400:23:42

if you don't do as I say...

0:23:420:23:44

..what do you think it's going to do to Mum?!

0:23:440:23:48

She's going to be devastated, isn't she?

0:23:480:23:50

She'll probably never recover.

0:23:500:23:52

Now you didn't think about that, did you?

0:23:520:23:56

Did you?!

0:23:560:23:57

No.

0:23:580:24:00

You're probably wondering by now why I've set my heart on marrying

0:24:000:24:05

this extraordinarily interesting woman Edith.

0:24:050:24:09

-Queenie.

-No, no. I wasn't. Not at all.

0:24:100:24:13

The answer is, she is extremely rich.

0:24:130:24:16

Oh, that's a good one.

0:24:180:24:19

Well, if that's the case, then why...

0:24:200:24:23

Oh, why, why are we asking the social services to provide a carer?

0:24:230:24:29

-Yeah.

-Yes. A good point.

0:24:290:24:31

Um, very good point, actually...

0:24:310:24:34

Well, the reason is, when I first met her,

0:24:340:24:36

she told me that she was incredibly rich.

0:24:360:24:39

Um, and by the time I found out that that wasn't true,

0:24:390:24:43

I had fallen totally in love with her, you see?

0:24:430:24:47

Um, and it was too late to do anything about it,

0:24:470:24:51

so that's when I realised that...

0:24:510:24:53

..money is the most...not the most important thing in life.

0:24:530:24:57

Come along. Come along.

0:24:570:24:59

Oh, God.

0:24:590:25:01

Go on.

0:25:060:25:07

Say goodnight to Felicity.

0:25:100:25:12

"Goodnight, Felicity.

0:25:150:25:18

"We've got to go to bed now."

0:25:180:25:21

Night-night, sleep tight.

0:25:210:25:24

Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite.

0:25:240:25:26

Ha-ha.

0:25:260:25:27

Off we go.

0:25:300:25:31

"Night-night!"

0:25:360:25:38

I'm so sorry, Felicity.

0:25:390:25:42

It... It's very sad.

0:25:420:25:44

It really is.

0:25:440:25:45

He means well, but if we don't all play along with him,

0:25:450:25:50

then it can be a great trial for all of us.

0:25:500:25:53

He should really be in care.

0:25:530:25:55

You've got to forgive him, dear.

0:25:550:25:57

He went a bit daft when his dad died.

0:25:570:26:00

He's been a few currants short of a teacake ever since -

0:26:010:26:05

but he's a good lad, really.

0:26:050:26:07

PHONE RINGS

0:26:120:26:14

Hello?

0:26:170:26:18

So, how did it go?

0:26:180:26:21

Mrs Poole, I don't think I'm cut out for this.

0:26:210:26:23

I think I made a mistake.

0:26:230:26:24

Of course you're not.

0:26:240:26:26

No-one's cut out for this, Felicity.

0:26:260:26:28

Not one of us.

0:26:280:26:30

-But...

-Well, I look forward

0:26:300:26:31

with great interest to reading your first report, Felicity.

0:26:310:26:34

But...

0:26:340:26:36

Oh.

0:26:370:26:38

-Roger.

-Oh, hi, Bob.

0:26:560:26:58

So, how did it go?

0:27:000:27:03

Great, yeah, fantastic.

0:27:040:27:06

-I'm a carer.

-You're a carer!

-Yeah!

0:27:060:27:08

Oh, that's... That's wonderful!

0:27:080:27:10

Hey! So, uh...how much are they paying you?

0:27:100:27:13

-Shedloads.

-Shedloads!

0:27:130:27:16

Oh! That can't be bad, eh? Oh, this...

0:27:160:27:19

This calls for celebration.

0:27:190:27:22

Yeah, I'll buy you a beer. Yeah.

0:27:220:27:24

A beer?

0:27:260:27:27

Oh, I won't say no to a beer,

0:27:290:27:31

but, um, I hope you're not going to get all parsimonious

0:27:310:27:34

on your old friend here, you know?

0:27:340:27:36

After all I did for you.

0:27:360:27:39

We... We had a deal, Roger? Remember?

0:27:390:27:42

Bob, I was joking. I'm not a carer.

0:27:420:27:44

You're not? Dear heavens, Roger.

0:27:440:27:46

-You could kill a man with a joke like that.

-Yeah, I'm sorry.

0:27:460:27:49

I was just trying to take the edge off the bad news.

0:27:490:27:51

What happened?

0:27:510:27:52

Well, it was going really, really well.

0:27:520:27:55

Um, near perfect, and then Sandra turned up.

0:27:550:27:57

Sandra, your sister? What, just by chance?

0:27:570:28:00

No, she knew. She suspected something.

0:28:000:28:02

-How come?

-I don't know. She's always been like that.

0:28:020:28:04

-How spooky.

-Diabolical.

0:28:040:28:06

Fiendish.

0:28:060:28:07

-Anyway, it's not all bad news.

-No?

0:28:100:28:13

No, Phil has promised to put me on the payroll

0:28:130:28:15

-as long as I stay out of trouble.

-The payroll?

0:28:150:28:17

Yeah, it's...pocket money.

0:28:170:28:19

So what about that beer, then, huh?

0:28:220:28:23

Yeah, yeah, why not?

0:28:230:28:25

Uh, you couldn't see your way to lending me a tenner, could you?

0:28:300:28:35

Uh, well, I've only got... I've only got five, Bob.

0:28:350:28:38

Yeah, well, that'll do for now.

0:28:380:28:41

So...is Phil rich?

0:28:410:28:44

Squillions.

0:28:440:28:46

So what's he doing here?

0:28:460:28:47

Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.

0:28:470:28:50

He used to work for the Secret Service.

0:28:500:28:52

You are kidding.

0:28:540:28:55

Mmm - and I think that the Russians might be after him.

0:28:550:28:58

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