The Brothel Ideal

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature

I'm glad you're dealing again, Moz.

The original and the best is back.

And I intend to surf the recession on a never-ending wave of weed.

And nobody is going to stop me.

Thank you, Nicki.

That is the most powerful smoke around.

And pretty soon, it'll be the only smoke around.

BUZZING

So how's your plans for world domination shaping up?

Jason's nearly massive, aren't you?

Yeah. I mean, y'know, when I say massive I don't mean totally massive.

I mean, y'know...modestly massive.

Only the English would dream of being humble about their massiveness.

I still think of myself as an everyman, though.

In that outfit? You're not even every other man.

Keeping in touch with me roots.

Get 'em done once a week, don't we?

We do.

I've got afghani or old-school white widow.

-You want a quarter of white widow, don't you?

-Yeah.

A quarter of white widow, please.

Tell him that'll be 60 notes, ta.

Whoa! Nicki's doing it for 55.

-Is she?

-He's right. She is.

Right. Well, this'll be...

£54.25, please.

That's a very competitive price. Do you need a manager?

-No.

-You thinking about retiring?

No. I'll be dealing when I'm 50.

Might even still be dealing on my 100th birthday.

£195, please.

Unless you'd prefer the expensive one?

Think I'll skin one up now.

So you managed to sort out your funeral arrangements?

Yeah.

I'm on for a cremation.

Nicki's doing special offers.

So? I'm not going to be undercut

-by Torchwood next door. This is total war.

-Cool.

I'm introducing loyalty cards.

A free 32nd with every 100th eighth.

I might have added that up wrong.

You do SO need a manager.

Back off, Deborah Meaden!

SHE MOANS

I'm Jake.

Nice to see you.

-And you. Bye.

-Bye.

Somebody obviously likes you.

-Third visit this week?

-Fourth.

Jake is sweet.

But he doesn't really know his way around the bedroom.

No imagination, no forward planning.

Hmm, in sex, forward planning is everything.

He who travels without Vaseline is crusin' for a bruisin'.

Don't forget to text me as soon as you're massive.

We're looking at months, not years.

All right?

-What you up to?

-Doing a duet with Lily Allen, doing three gigs in Madrid.

You?

-Night shift at Londis.

-That's nowt to be ashamed of.

Whereas doing a song with Lily Allen is borderline.

-This is Tania, me manager.

-We spoke on the phone.

I threatened to sue you.

Oh, yeah.

How did that work out?

You agreed to my terms.

That's right. How are you, Moz?

Me? I'm smashin', ta, Lee.

-Good.

-I'll drop a copy of the album round.

Should I pop one into Londis, too?

Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.

See you, Moz.

See you, Lee.

Can you see what a knobhead you used to be now?

I'll take an eighth of the black.

30, ta.

Nicki's doing it for 28.

Give us 27 then.

Thank you.

It's really weird, seeing Jason like that.

Not seen him since Silicon Valets split up.

How come he got custody of the career?

Shouldn't you be the one cowering on the cover of Chat magazine?

His manager's a very shrewd businesswoman.

I got to keep the Silicone Valets name and...

he got everything else.

Listen, Lee,

Jason might have an album in the charts.

He might have fame and fortune

and be travelling the world with a glamorous girlfriend.

But you've got to ask yourself...

is he happier than you?

-He seemed happier.

-Yeah. He did, didn't he?

-I think he is happier.

Yeah. I'm not surprised. With all the fame and fortune and that.

Bound to make you happier, really.

I don't care.

I'm going to be a big star again one day.

-That's what me line manager says.

-And if he doesn't know, who does?

-I'm still writing songs.

-Good.

I suppose.

That's the great thing about shelf-stacking -

gives you plenty of head space to think about other stuff. So I wrote a song.

What's it called?

Shelf Stackin'.

It's about stacking shelves.

Interesting.

No, wait, what's the opposite?

Not interesting.

# I stack and I stack

# And I stack and I stack

# From shelf one to shelf two

# To shelf 50 and ba-a-a-ack

# I stack and I stack

# And he stacks and he stacks... #

It's the backing singers.

We do a call-and-response thing.

-You've not heard the bit with the harpsichord.

-Don't need to!

Is it safe to come over?

OK. I'll see you in about 20 minutes.

I'll come through the back way.

Duh. Because I don't want anybody to know we're seeing each other.

OK. I'll see you soon.

-Ah, the Osbournes.

-Hi, Moz. Sorry.

-Cartoon Head, Judith.

MOBILE BEEPS

Do you have to go right now?

I'll see you at tea time.

How about honey-roast squid?

Bye, then. Enjoy your tentacles.

So, looks like me and me ex are goin' head-to-head in the marketplace.

Cartoon Head says Nicki's very business-minded.

The gang's never been more organised.

I keep expecting Psycho Paul and CH to turn up with laminated name tags.

Cartoon Head's frightened about something. He keeps talking in his sleep.

He's probably frightened of the Red Mist.

The Red Mist? That's a myth.

Carrot and cranberry breath-freshener that makes your tongue fall out? Of course it's a myth.

They're a deadly gang of gingers.

If you ask me, he does well to be frightened.

There were a big gang over Wythenshawe.

Called themselves The Kingsized Microbes.

In the last week, all five of 'em 'have died under Red Mist-erious circumstances.

One fell and broke his neck in the shower,

one drowned in the canal,

one died of a gas leak at his house, one was killed in a hit-and-run.

And one was found with his head cut off and 32 Kit Kats stuffed in his neck stump.

And we're talking about the Chunky Kit Kats.

Is that a Red Mist trademark?

The Kit Kat thing?

I don't know.

Might be.

But combine it with the four other deaths and to me it says Red Mist.

If was just a solo decapitation and Kit-Katting

it wouldn't be particularly suspicious, but, y'know...

What a world to bring a child into.

How is young master Plastic Face?

Breast feeding's been difficult. And he doesn't seem to need any sleep.

Sometimes it feels like he's in charge.

Whaaa.

Sorry.

MUFFLED MOANS

Do you want another coffee?

Oh, yes, thank you. Sorry.

I apologise about the noise.

I think we might have an infestation of sex mice.

It can be quite romantic.

Last night all three of us came at the same time.

-Is it, erm... Is it Nicki?

-I wouldn't say so.

No, from memory, Nicki sounds more like a pigeon that's slightly out of breath.

-I'd guess it's Nicki's sister, Jess.

-Oh. Right.

She's just moved to Manchester.

Sounds like she's happy here.

I used to be happy.

Cartoon Head used to make me very happy.

-THAT happy?

-Yeah! Sorry.

Is everything not so good, then?

I don't know who she is,

but he's been having another affair.

How can you be sure?

He told me he was.

Then he gave me a schedule showing me the nights he was going to be sleeping with her.

Right. It's probably...

I mean, you're probably... I mean...

I'm trying to put a positive spin on that.

-But...y'know.

-I know.

I'll get them coffees.

Thanks.

PLASTIC FACE GURGLES

What?

What? Do you mean...

No. No, no, Plastic Face, I won't.

Please...

Here you go.

-You don't take sugar, do you?

-No, thank you.

What am I doing leaving scissors out when there's a baby present?

MUFFLED SCREAMS/SPRINGS SQUEAKING

SILENCE

MUFFLED MOANS/SQUEAKING

I've never met anybody like you before. You really know what a woman needs, don't you?

What about your girlfriend? Do you know what she needs?

Oh, well. I don't suppose she'll be around forever.

-We've come outside!

-And we can talk!

# Inside my face You can't see me blinking

# Inside my face Inside my face

# Inside my face I do all of my thinking

# Inside my face Inside my, inside my face... #

'We've Come Outside And We Can Talk - The debut album from The Cosmonauts Three.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-'Includes the single Inside My F...'

-Hi, hi.

-I'm looking for Carmel.

-You've come to the right place.

It's 50 quid for half an hour, 100 for an hour.

You can negotiate if it's, er...

-longer.

-Just let me see her.

Certainly. Carmel?

-Enrique.

-Si.

It's OK, Brian, you can go out for five minutes.

As you wish, senorita.

Have a jolly finish.

I heard you were back in business.

-Business is good.

-Is he your manager?

Or your fairy godmother?

He's a friend. I can manage myself.

Is that a fact?

What say, you let me take care of your business. Huh?

You and me? We were a great team.

-In seriously?

-Sure.

It could be like the good old days.

The old days were not good.

They were shit.

The new days, without you, have been good.

HE COUGHS

So, you over Carmel yet?

No. I've no intention of getting over her.

Anyway, there's no need for me to get over her, cos we'll be back together soon.

-You've been saying that for months. Where's yer evidence?

-I can see it in her eye.

-When she's telling you to fuck off?

-We're destined to be together forever.

Like...

-Jordan and Peter Andre.

-They're not together!

So why do they keep renewing their marriage vows, then?

Col, you've got to move on.

I've moved on. I've moved forward.

What? So you've moved forward by going back to being a dealer?

-Yeah.

-I get it. Life is a ring.

You're a ring.

I just wish I didn't know that she was across your landing having sex with a parade of strangers.

You do tend to get that with a prostitute.

I just...

I just feel like I really need to...

protect her.

Didn't I take good care of you?

No. You didn't.

You stole money from me, you crashed my car

and you tried to drown me in a foot spa.

So goodbye.

Carmel, you'll regret this.

I don't think so.

Now, please go.

A Place In The Sun is about to commence.

You are going to die the worst possible gay death.

This is going to be a walk in the park.

Oh! Ain't he scary?

Bastardo!

-We've killed a man. I remember reading that's bad luck.

-He's not dead.

Quick, we've got to tie him up!

Puta!

-Eat her shorts. Normally we'd charge for that.

-We have to get rid of him.

-Don't worry. We will.

-We can't have a man bound and gagged in here.

It will upset the customers.

Well, not all of them. But some of them.

BREATHLESSLY: Hi, hi. It's Brian.

No, I've not been wanking.

Listen, you've got to come round.

-I've got some very nice skunk at the moment.

-No, ta, Moz, I'm sorted.

What do you mean, you're sorted?

I got an eighth of weed off Nicki.

What?

Why didn't you buy off me?

I'll buy off you next time.

-I'm your mate.

-You're both me mates.

I'll buy off you next time.

But surely the man/man mate link is stronger than the man/woman mate link.

I will buy off you next time.

You're not going to make me feel guilty.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Do you want to get that? Or should I buttle?

You buttle. I think you owe me that much at least.

Unbelievable behaviour.

I'll buy off you next time!

A'right, feller. How's it going?

-I think I'm about to be thrown into the sarlacc pit.

-Eh?

I've just made Jabba angry. "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ohh."

Ah.

The Red Mist is closing in.

What do you mean?

They're taking over the whole city, Nicki.

Absorbing everything.

All the big dealing set-ups, all the protection rackets, the NCP on Chorlton Street.

Everythi-i-i-ing.

Most of the big gangland bosses have been killed to death.

-It'll be you next.

-But...

But I'm...a girl.

Cartoon Head has been banging on about how you've made yourself very visible,

having all these people working for you.

But I've only been dealing for eight months.

Moz has been at it so long he's eligible for a carriage clock!

But he's just a one-man operation.

Yeah, Morris probably doesn't show up on their radar.

They've got a radar?

Wow.

-They are so cool.

-But what if we put Moz on their radar?

What if the Red Mist thought that Moz was the boss of our whole operation

and we were just minions?

-Then they'd take him out and leave us alone.

-Exactly.

-But he's your ex.

-The perfect crime.

Couple of weight of pollen.

Very nice stuff. Just smoked a Yul Brynner in me Panda.

We'll, I'll try and sell it, but business is definitely slacking off.

-Really?

-When I started dealing again, I thought I'd be coining it in.

-But, turns out me profit margins are being nibbled to death by bleeding Walmart next door.

-Nicki?

She's undercutting me.

She's stealing me customers.

I will buy off you next time.

You know she's got a hydroponics set up at this house in Broadbottom?

Proper ganja factory. About 300 plants.

What chance does a humble tradesman like myself have against a... a multinational!?

Hey.

I could always bust her.

Hey, you could, couldn't you?

Well, that'd be a bit...mean.

The police are supposed to be mean.

Listen, fella, there's no way you and me are ever going to make any

real money out of this as long as Nicki's still in business.

I couldn't bust her personally, like.

-But you could get some people with your fashion sense to bust her.

-Oh, easily. Yeah.

-But she's your ex.

-I know.

And she's your ex, an' all.

-I know.

-Oh, I see.

You've both shagged her, so now you're going to shaft her?

Perfect crime.

How did you meet this charmer, then?

Mm. I can't remember.

-Did we meet through Carolina?

-HE MUMBLES

-Ah! Was it through Leonor?

-HE MUMBLES

Oh.

Ah! I remember, Marc introduced you to me at Suzy and Aldo's wedding reception. Remember?

HE MUMBLES

Must be lovely for you two to have a little catch-up.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi, hi. Thanks for comin'.

-What you been up to?

-I ain't sayin'.

Carmel, this is Blackball.

Hi.

So, are you the kind of guy who can help us get rid of this bastard?

-And teach him a lesson?

-Huh?

Hang on, what's this about lessons being taught?

I don't mind you driving him out to a roundabout near Chorley and abandoning him.

-Like you would an ugly kitten.

-I don't want this bastard back in my life again.

Ever.

Can you make this happen?

What you going to do to him?

I ain't sayin'.

I owe you one.

Thanks.

A'right, Blackball?

How's it going, feller? I ain't seen you since you left the force.

Having a spot of bother?

He just tried to kill me.

Did he? Let me at him!

I handled it.

We both handled it.

I was actually very Bruce Willis about the whole thing.

All right, Die Soft.

Do you want me to give you a hand?

Come on, you, you little tinker.

You're coming with us.

-Where we going?

-I ain't sayin'.

You can keep the boa!

Everything is fine.

We should probably get back to work.

Sure. Goodbye, Moz.

Goodbye, Colin.

Come on, mate. It could be worse.

-How?

-Lets see who can come up with the worst possible thing

that could be happening, then we'll be glad it's not happening.

I'm upset.

-I know what'd cheer you up.

-What?

-Buying some weed.

Off ME.

These are the times of exile.

She's going to be engulfed by a Red Mist.

Are you saying murdered?

-Who says I'm going to die first?

-I love hallucinating, I just don't like seeing stuff that isn't there.

She...is...gorgeous.

You are pretty fucking real, Moz.

-I am going to die on Friday.

-No compromi-i-i-ise.