The Paintings Ideal

Afternoon.

Hello, Sanjeev.

Do you want to give Moz one of those?

Oh, thanks, lovely.

These ones as well.

Wow!

Sure Mummy doesn't want them?

My kitchen drawers are stuffed with his masterpieces.

How's your dealing business?

King of the world. How's your dealing business?

Queen of the world.

You can't leave rubbish out on the landing.

I'm going to take it downstairs later.

Well, why don't you leave it inside until later?

It's too full. It's going to split and go everywhere.

Nicki, we've not been a couple for well over a year now.

When you die,

are you going to carry on nagging me from beyond the grave?

Who says I'm going to die first?

Have a good day at work.

Don't take any wooden nickels.

This programme contains some strong language.

All right, Moz?

Lee, how's it going?

These are the times of exile.

Are they?

They are.

You'd best come in then.

Thanks.

It's good.

I shouldn't get too caned, though. I start my shift in 40 minutes.

I still don't understand how you can fall so far so fast.

Last year you were up for a Brit award, now you're working in Londis.

I know.

Talk about your yin and yang.

And yong.

And you didn't save any money at all?

It all went on fast cars and slow women?

Listen, I'm going to tell you something now.

Technically, in order to hear this,

you should have to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

Right, cos my ears have only got a level-three clearance.

Is that going to be a problem?

No. I don't really NEED to work at all.

By the time Silicone Valets split, I'd made a couple of hundred grand.

And you've still got it?

Still got a record deal an' all.

Problem was, in terms of public perception, I was credible...

..but not incredible.

Is incredible better than massive?

Oh, definitely.

Anyway, my management, Talent Milk, thought it would be a good idea

if I...disappeared for a while.

I imagine the public quite liked that idea too.

Two weeks' time, a certain celebrity gossip magazine is going to do a...

"Where is he now?" on me.

Oh, I get it.

My tragic story and how I'm going to bounce back like a...

..triumphant...ball.

Exactly!

Two months' time, I release the new Silicone Valets album.

Endless Shelves.

It's a song cycle in six movements.

About working in Londis?

Yep.

Then, in three months' time...

I'm getting married to one of the Sugababes.

Which one?

Still sorting out the details.

Xavier, Cartoon Head. Psycho Paul not with you?

He's on his way.

Hi! Oh, you look nice.

Have you heard the news?

What news?

The Red Mist...

..kidnapped a town councillor,

cut his head off and stuffed his neck with Crunchies.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Psycho Paul. Rainbow.

Hiya, Nicki. Paul said you wouldn't mind me coming along to your top-secret meeting.

Come one, come all.

Have you heard about the Crunchie murder?

Yeah, sounds awful.

They can be very abrasive, can Crunchies, when they break up.

I'm getting a bit scared.

That's why...

..we're joining forces.

What?

No compromi-i-i-ise!

Who's talking about compromise?

The Red Mist want to engulf everything.

We can't stop 'em on our own.

We need help.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Good evening.

I've been having second thoughts.

Second thoughts?

About...you know, setting up Nicki.

You're not setting her up.

I mean, she's breaking the law, and that is...

against the law.

You're breaking the law as well. You're a dealer, same as she is.

Yeah, but she's got...infrastructure.

She's got that big hydroponic set-up in Broadbottom.

She's got Cartoon Head's gang doing her running for her.

Whereas I...

Well, I'm essentially just one man and a coffee table.

You want to know the truth?

I reckon she'll be gone soon anyway.

She's going to be engulfed by a Red Mist.

You mean... You mean they're going to...

Kerplunk!

-You mean...

-Game over!

-Actually...

-Nipped right in t' middle of bud.

Are you saying murdered?

Yeah.

Shit! We've got to warn her.

She already knows.

Nicki knows what's going on.

And...she's been seen with her feelers out.

But can't your lot stop the Red Mist?

I mean, surely there must be a law against murdering people.

Not since cutbacks.

We're not really insured for proper crime any more.

That's a shame.

In a way.

We must stop the rise of the ginger menace.

But we don't even know how many of them there are.

They could be everywhere, blud.

Let's not panic.

I say, if we join forces, we could beat them.

I agree.

We have 45 men, a stash of over 100 automatic weapons

and access to a helicopter.

You?

I've got...

MOUTHS SILENTLY

..a screwdriver.

What kind of screwdriver?

A Phillips.

They're the worst.

Yes, I know.

And I can phone Flu Strength Darren. He loves a good punch-up.

He has just had one of his elbows amputated.

Excuse me, but, um...

Have you thought about just talking to them?

Talking's for lesbians.

Rainbow's right. We could storm in there all knives blazing

or we could try talking. We're not animals.

They're animals.

And so am I.

I do not want to talk to the animals.

We could try though. I'm feeling pretty...

..talkish.

I do not want to talk.

I don't want to talk.

I don't want to talk.

SLURPING

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hi!

-It's Jake.

Entrez, do.

Look, I'll arrange for some coppers to come and bust her, Friday,

but you need to be sure you are completely clean.

As a whistle-cleaning factory whistle.

Hi, Moz. Is everything OK?

Yeah, fine.

Yeah, don't worry. We're mates. I'm not on duty.

Well, I am on duty, but I'm not working.

This is Tilly.

So what are you? Some kind of a policeman?

Er... Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

I am a policeman, but I don't like to think of myself

primarily as a policeman.

Even when you're on duty.

Specially not on duty. To be honest, uniform does most of the work.

So what do you do then?

You look like you probably... express yourself?

I do, yeah, I express myself every day.

Yeah, I'd love to express myself, but it's finding the space.

And the right expression.

I'm a designer and a businesswoman and I part run an art gallery.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I know the place, yeah, they had that exhibition

with the mad bloke in the sleeping bag outside.

-No, that was a homeless guy.

-Oh!

Pity. He was very good.

He was. He was very good.

So, do you fancy a coffee?

Give me 20 minutes. I have to do some e-mails

and charge my BlackBerry, unless you have a charger?

-I've only just got an egg whisk.

-OK.

Well, please come and see "The Pottery of the Perverse"

and it was very nice to meet you.

Yeah, and you. Lovely.

Yeah.

Blimey! You kept her quiet, didn't you?

She is gorgeous!

You're just one big-talking testicle, aren't you?

-Eh?

-I saw you.

Sliming all over her like a police sex gastropod.

-All I said...

-I don't care what you said.

Neither will she. She's a lesbian.

She's not a lesbian.

She is, as it goes, and she's a celibate lesbian.

Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no rug low enough.

She might be celibate

but she's not a lesbian.

Definitely not.

I can always tell. I've got les-dar.

You can instinctively tell if a woman is from Leicester?

Hey, I'm serious, and I have never been wrong, never.

Well, if that proves to be the case -

and God and red wine willing, I hope one day to find out -

I don't want you going anywhere near her.

You've had two women right out from under my nose.

Now, Nicki I forgive you for,

cos I was having an affair at the same time,

but you and Jenny broke my heart.

And you can put down our continued friendship

more to shock than anything else.

I don't want you laying a finger anywhere near Tilly.

I promise I won't even speak to her.

Good.

Cos if you fuck me over again, you know what'll happen?

-What?

-Nowt.

And one morning,

you'll wake up with your own cock and balls superglued to your back.

Just out of reach.

SPEECH INAUDIBLE

How long you been friends with the cop?

Long time.

Got a lot in common. He cheated with my last two girlfriends.

He reminds me of a boyfriend I used to have.

Boyfriend?

Hang on. When I asked if you wanted to go out with me,

you said that you were a celibate lesbian.

I suppose I did.

But...you're not.

Plod said you weren't.

OK.

I'm sorry that I lied to you

but in my defence, I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship,

I'd only been in the UK for a few months.

I was working on my "Subversive Stain" collection

and my mind was full of stains. There just wasn't room for you.

So essentially, what you were saying was

that you'd rather never have sex again

than concede that there was the slightest possibility

of ever sleeping with m... with...

men.

I wasn't ready for anything.

But, you know, since I've said that, a lot has changed.

I've relaxed somewhat and I've gotten to know you so much better.

So are you saying that maybe there's a chance you and m...

Wow! Did you do this?

Yeah.

Wow! I didn't know you painted.

You keep a low profile, don't you?

But the more I find out about you, the more fascinated I become.

Yeah?

Well, I mean...

Yeah, I'm an artist, yeah, I mean...

You know, art flows through my veins like...ketchup.

I adore this. It has such a primitivist edge.

You know, it's not about skill or technique.

No, it's not, no.

And the drawing is even better. The line is so confident.

I think it...

provides a...

harrowing insight into the urban malaise.

Yeah, I see that now.

To me it's like a...

..porcelain penis.

Amazing.

What I think it's saying is that there's...

w-w-w...wheel...

wheelchair...access.

Wheelchair access?

Oh, yeah.

Would you mind if I took these upstairs and had them framed?

No, not at all.

I'd like to see more of your oeuvre.

My what?

Your oeuvre, your body of work.

My body.

Hell, yeah! I love raw talent.

So, in summary, what you want to see is...

More paintings, more drawings.

Yeah, course, no problem. Just, er... give us a couple of minutes.

Great! Thank you.

See you later.

Hiya!

Can't wait to see you.

Thought you were amazing in the meeting earlier.

Yeah.

See you soon.

Love you.

Bye.

Bye! Bye-bye-bye!

All right, Moz? I'm afraid Nicki's just gone out.

Ah, that's a shame. Can I come in for a sec?

Um... Yeah, suppose.

Cartoon Head, you all right?

So, what can I do for you?

Well, Baby Sanjeev wanted to give us some paintings earlier,

but I was on my way out, so I was hoping I could pick 'em up now.

It's nearly 11 o'clock.

It's been hanging over us.

O-M-F-G!

You're a paedo.

Of course I'm not a paedo. Hey! Cartoon Head.

Paedo!

No! I'm saying I'm definitely not a paedo, am I?

Come on, Jess. You know me.

Nicki said she'd leave them in the kitchen drawer.

Knock yourself out.

Thank you.

Brought you a present.

That's so sweet.

-SHE GASPS

-My God!

Is that a diamond?

It's a diamond.

Oh! Wow!

I couldn't possibly keep this.

(Keep it!)

Please, do it for me.

(Do it for him...and me!)

Thank you.

How can you afford this? What work do you do?

Oh, I used to be a decorator, but now I just have a good time.

I'll probably come again tomorrow.

OK.

Or if not, the day after that.

Oh, no, I can't come the day after that.

Why not?

Cos the day after that...

I'm gonna die.

What?

Why? What's wrong with you?

Oh, nothing's wrong with me, but...

I am going to die on Friday.

That's terrible.

(Ask him how much it's worth.)

-Hiya!

-Hi! Moz, these are awesome.

Oh cool! May I?

Nice. I love the use of primary colours.

Yeah...

I like to think of myself as a painter from the...Primary School.

What amazes me most is what you've left out.

You'll find what I've left out is probably the best bit.

-Have you sold many of these?

-No.

You know how it is.

Once I'm dead, they'll be swapping hands for 100 quid a pop.

You can get way more than that for these right now.

Where have you exhibited?

-I've never actually...

-You've never exhibited?

You are the classic outsider artist.

That doesn't make me any less fascinating, does it?

No, outsiders are so in, it's ridiculous.

I know Warren will want to give you a show at the Forever Machine.

Oh, I'll show them to him tomorrow then.

No need. He's on his way over here right now.

-Now?

-Yeah, I want to move quickly.

Yeah, I want to move quickly.

INTERCOM BUZZES

(This could be Warren.)

-Hello! ..It's Warren.

-Great!

-Yeah, come on up.

-HE MOUTHS

This is exciting.

# Nothing you can say

# Can tear me away from my guy

# Nothing you can do Cos I'm... #

Are you sure?

I always think ketamine sounds too strong to me.

I love hallucinating. I just don't like seeing stuff that isn't there.

Well, what do you think?

-They're pretty fucking real.

-Mm-hm.

I'm thinking Van Vliet, I'm thinking Rauschenberg.

Are they cheeses? Cos I'm starving.

I adore this piece. Does it have a title?

Yeah, course it does. It's called...

..Painted Painting.

-That is beyond perfect.

-Cheers.

I think we need to give Moz a show at the Forever Machine.

-Definitely.

-I told you!

-I'd like to splash you all over.

-Mm-hm.

We had to cancel an upcoming exhibition, "Lacto Urinary Collision".

Michael Radley planned to install ten bell jars of frozen milkman urine.

But we lost the sponsorship of the Milk Marketing Board.

You must be heartbroken.

I've been beside myself.

Nobody wants to be sitting there.

-I say we keep the whole thing ersatz.

-Mm-hm.

I love ersatz. When they first brought them out I was resistant,

but now I couldn't imagine a world without them.

I'll start an essay right away.

"Post Dialectic Morphology and the New Now".

It'll help explain some of what you're doing.

Do you think it needs explaining?

The golden rule. If it doesn't require an explanation, it's not worth doing.

Of course! How terribly enfant of me.

-See you tomorrow.

-Bye.

You are pretty fucking real, Moz.

And do you know what I like most of all about your work?

-I can make money off of it?

-Aside from that.

Not sure. You?

Not sure.

It evolves its own hypermyth via its refusal to refract.

Bye.

Bye. Thank you.

He's a nice straightforward lad, isn't he?

Warren is such an original thinker he's had his cultural influence insured.

If only there was a way of preserving his brain in bleach ASAP.

Moz, I can't tell you how excited I am about discovering you.

Discovering me?

The real you.

I have always suspected we were kindred spirits.

I love your honesty, I love your directness, I love your eyes.

But most of all, I love your art.

-My art?

-Mm-hm.

That's good because, er...

..my art wants to love you back.

MUSIC: "Billie Holiday" by Warpaint

# B-I-L-L-I-E

# H-O-L-I-D-A-Y

# B-I-L-L-I-E H-O-L-I-D-A-Y... #

How instant is it? Should I be experiencing something now?

What is it?

MUSIC ECHOES

It's... It's a red bag.

-ECHOES:

-Bag, bag, bag, bag, bag...

I can't stop thinking about your amazing artistic skills.

I'm hoping to use them in a minute.

Shall we...go into your bedroom area?

If you know what I mean.

I worry that it's too soon.

Too soon?

Yeah, I think it's too soon.

It's not too soon. Trust me, it's just in time.

I wouldn't want us to spoil it.

-It?

-Us. Spoil us.

-Spoil us?

-Spoil what we have.

I think we could have more.

Maybe what we have is enough.

It's not enough.

-Is it possible that it's enough?

-It's not enough.

Look, I feel very close to you right now

but I'm not quite ready to sleep with you.

Really?

You're all the same, you celibate lesbians.

As strongly as I feel about you, tonight is not the night,

so please stop trying to coerce me.

I'm not coercing, I'm seducing.

Are you saying that my seduction is coming across as a coercion?

Not entirely, but it does have a slightly whiny quality to it.

Whiny? That's a blow.

I saw myself as a chunky Pierce Brosnan effortlessly flirting with you.

All right, then. Well, name your exclusion zone.

-Do you want some more wine?

-Definitely.

DISSONANT BUZZING MUSIC

Fisht.

SCREAMING

MUSIC: "Bad Dreams" by Venus Ray

Fisht.

# Dream, baby, dream, baby

# Dream, baby, dream, baby Dream, baby, dream, baby

# Dream, baby, dream, baby... #

Whatever else happens,

I'm happy right now.

Ah!

PANTING

-Are you masturbating?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-Cramp!

Well, why don't you get up?

I didn't want to break the mood. Ah!

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

CRASH Ow!

Yeah, that did kind of break the mood.

Our relationship's going to the next stage.

-Are you stalking her?

-I'm the perfect ginger.

Thought you'd never get here.

That really took me back.

Disembowelling's too good for him.

-Donna said she might pop round.

-Donna?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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