The Paintings Ideal


The Paintings

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Afternoon.

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Hello, Sanjeev.

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Do you want to give Moz one of those?

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Oh, thanks, lovely.

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These ones as well.

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Wow!

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Sure Mummy doesn't want them?

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My kitchen drawers are stuffed with his masterpieces.

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How's your dealing business?

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King of the world. How's your dealing business?

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Queen of the world.

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You can't leave rubbish out on the landing.

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I'm going to take it downstairs later.

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Well, why don't you leave it inside until later?

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It's too full. It's going to split and go everywhere.

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Nicki, we've not been a couple for well over a year now.

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When you die,

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are you going to carry on nagging me from beyond the grave?

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Who says I'm going to die first?

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Have a good day at work.

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Don't take any wooden nickels.

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This programme contains some strong language.

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All right, Moz?

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Lee, how's it going?

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These are the times of exile.

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Are they?

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They are.

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You'd best come in then.

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Thanks.

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It's good.

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I shouldn't get too caned, though. I start my shift in 40 minutes.

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I still don't understand how you can fall so far so fast.

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Last year you were up for a Brit award, now you're working in Londis.

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I know.

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Talk about your yin and yang.

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And yong.

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And you didn't save any money at all?

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It all went on fast cars and slow women?

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Listen, I'm going to tell you something now.

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Technically, in order to hear this,

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you should have to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

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Right, cos my ears have only got a level-three clearance.

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Is that going to be a problem?

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No. I don't really NEED to work at all.

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By the time Silicone Valets split, I'd made a couple of hundred grand.

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And you've still got it?

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Still got a record deal an' all.

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Problem was, in terms of public perception, I was credible...

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..but not incredible.

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Is incredible better than massive?

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Oh, definitely.

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Anyway, my management, Talent Milk, thought it would be a good idea

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if I...disappeared for a while.

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I imagine the public quite liked that idea too.

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Two weeks' time, a certain celebrity gossip magazine is going to do a...

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"Where is he now?" on me.

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Oh, I get it.

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My tragic story and how I'm going to bounce back like a...

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..triumphant...ball.

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Exactly!

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Two months' time, I release the new Silicone Valets album.

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Endless Shelves.

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It's a song cycle in six movements.

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About working in Londis?

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Yep.

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Then, in three months' time...

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I'm getting married to one of the Sugababes.

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Which one?

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Still sorting out the details.

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Xavier, Cartoon Head. Psycho Paul not with you?

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He's on his way.

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Hi! Oh, you look nice.

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Have you heard the news?

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What news?

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The Red Mist...

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..kidnapped a town councillor,

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cut his head off and stuffed his neck with Crunchies.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Psycho Paul. Rainbow.

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Hiya, Nicki. Paul said you wouldn't mind me coming along to your top-secret meeting.

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Come one, come all.

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Have you heard about the Crunchie murder?

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Yeah, sounds awful.

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They can be very abrasive, can Crunchies, when they break up.

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I'm getting a bit scared.

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That's why...

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..we're joining forces.

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What?

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No compromi-i-i-ise!

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Who's talking about compromise?

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The Red Mist want to engulf everything.

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We can't stop 'em on our own.

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We need help.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Good evening.

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I've been having second thoughts.

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Second thoughts?

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About...you know, setting up Nicki.

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You're not setting her up.

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I mean, she's breaking the law, and that is...

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against the law.

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You're breaking the law as well. You're a dealer, same as she is.

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Yeah, but she's got...infrastructure.

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She's got that big hydroponic set-up in Broadbottom.

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She's got Cartoon Head's gang doing her running for her.

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Whereas I...

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Well, I'm essentially just one man and a coffee table.

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You want to know the truth?

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I reckon she'll be gone soon anyway.

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She's going to be engulfed by a Red Mist.

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You mean... You mean they're going to...

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Kerplunk!

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-You mean...

-Game over!

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-Actually...

-Nipped right in t' middle of bud.

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Are you saying murdered?

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Yeah.

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Shit! We've got to warn her.

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She already knows.

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Nicki knows what's going on.

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And...she's been seen with her feelers out.

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But can't your lot stop the Red Mist?

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I mean, surely there must be a law against murdering people.

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Not since cutbacks.

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We're not really insured for proper crime any more.

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That's a shame.

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In a way.

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We must stop the rise of the ginger menace.

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But we don't even know how many of them there are.

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They could be everywhere, blud.

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Let's not panic.

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I say, if we join forces, we could beat them.

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I agree.

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We have 45 men, a stash of over 100 automatic weapons

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and access to a helicopter.

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You?

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I've got...

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MOUTHS SILENTLY

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..a screwdriver.

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What kind of screwdriver?

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A Phillips.

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They're the worst.

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Yes, I know.

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And I can phone Flu Strength Darren. He loves a good punch-up.

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He has just had one of his elbows amputated.

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Excuse me, but, um...

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Have you thought about just talking to them?

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Talking's for lesbians.

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Rainbow's right. We could storm in there all knives blazing

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or we could try talking. We're not animals.

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They're animals.

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And so am I.

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I do not want to talk to the animals.

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We could try though. I'm feeling pretty...

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..talkish.

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I do not want to talk.

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I don't want to talk.

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I don't want to talk.

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SLURPING

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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-Hi!

-It's Jake.

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Entrez, do.

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Look, I'll arrange for some coppers to come and bust her, Friday,

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but you need to be sure you are completely clean.

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As a whistle-cleaning factory whistle.

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Hi, Moz. Is everything OK?

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Yeah, fine.

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Yeah, don't worry. We're mates. I'm not on duty.

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Well, I am on duty, but I'm not working.

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This is Tilly.

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So what are you? Some kind of a policeman?

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Er... Yeah.

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Yeah, I am.

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I am a policeman, but I don't like to think of myself

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primarily as a policeman.

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Even when you're on duty.

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Specially not on duty. To be honest, uniform does most of the work.

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So what do you do then?

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You look like you probably... express yourself?

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I do, yeah, I express myself every day.

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Yeah, I'd love to express myself, but it's finding the space.

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And the right expression.

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I'm a designer and a businesswoman and I part run an art gallery.

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Oh, yeah.

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Yeah, I know the place, yeah, they had that exhibition

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with the mad bloke in the sleeping bag outside.

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-No, that was a homeless guy.

-Oh!

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Pity. He was very good.

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He was. He was very good.

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So, do you fancy a coffee?

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Give me 20 minutes. I have to do some e-mails

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and charge my BlackBerry, unless you have a charger?

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-I've only just got an egg whisk.

-OK.

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Well, please come and see "The Pottery of the Perverse"

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and it was very nice to meet you.

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Yeah, and you. Lovely.

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Yeah.

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Blimey! You kept her quiet, didn't you?

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She is gorgeous!

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You're just one big-talking testicle, aren't you?

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-Eh?

-I saw you.

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Sliming all over her like a police sex gastropod.

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-All I said...

-I don't care what you said.

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Neither will she. She's a lesbian.

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She's not a lesbian.

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She is, as it goes, and she's a celibate lesbian.

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Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no rug low enough.

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She might be celibate

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but she's not a lesbian.

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Definitely not.

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I can always tell. I've got les-dar.

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You can instinctively tell if a woman is from Leicester?

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Hey, I'm serious, and I have never been wrong, never.

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Well, if that proves to be the case -

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and God and red wine willing, I hope one day to find out -

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I don't want you going anywhere near her.

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You've had two women right out from under my nose.

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Now, Nicki I forgive you for,

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cos I was having an affair at the same time,

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but you and Jenny broke my heart.

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And you can put down our continued friendship

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more to shock than anything else.

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I don't want you laying a finger anywhere near Tilly.

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I promise I won't even speak to her.

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Good.

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Cos if you fuck me over again, you know what'll happen?

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-What?

-Nowt.

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And one morning,

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you'll wake up with your own cock and balls superglued to your back.

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Just out of reach.

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SPEECH INAUDIBLE

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How long you been friends with the cop?

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Long time.

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Got a lot in common. He cheated with my last two girlfriends.

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He reminds me of a boyfriend I used to have.

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Boyfriend?

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Hang on. When I asked if you wanted to go out with me,

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you said that you were a celibate lesbian.

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I suppose I did.

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But...you're not.

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Plod said you weren't.

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OK.

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I'm sorry that I lied to you

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but in my defence, I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship,

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I'd only been in the UK for a few months.

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I was working on my "Subversive Stain" collection

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and my mind was full of stains. There just wasn't room for you.

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So essentially, what you were saying was

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that you'd rather never have sex again

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than concede that there was the slightest possibility

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of ever sleeping with m... with...

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men.

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I wasn't ready for anything.

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But, you know, since I've said that, a lot has changed.

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I've relaxed somewhat and I've gotten to know you so much better.

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So are you saying that maybe there's a chance you and m...

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Wow! Did you do this?

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Yeah.

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Wow! I didn't know you painted.

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You keep a low profile, don't you?

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But the more I find out about you, the more fascinated I become.

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Yeah?

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Well, I mean...

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Yeah, I'm an artist, yeah, I mean...

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You know, art flows through my veins like...ketchup.

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I adore this. It has such a primitivist edge.

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You know, it's not about skill or technique.

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No, it's not, no.

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And the drawing is even better. The line is so confident.

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I think it...

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provides a...

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harrowing insight into the urban malaise.

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Yeah, I see that now.

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To me it's like a...

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..porcelain penis.

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Amazing.

0:14:390:14:41

What I think it's saying is that there's...

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w-w-w...wheel...

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wheelchair...access.

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Wheelchair access?

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Oh, yeah.

0:14:530:14:54

Would you mind if I took these upstairs and had them framed?

0:14:550:14:59

No, not at all.

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I'd like to see more of your oeuvre.

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My what?

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Your oeuvre, your body of work.

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My body.

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Hell, yeah! I love raw talent.

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So, in summary, what you want to see is...

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More paintings, more drawings.

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Yeah, course, no problem. Just, er... give us a couple of minutes.

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Great! Thank you.

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See you later.

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Hiya!

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Can't wait to see you.

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Thought you were amazing in the meeting earlier.

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Yeah.

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See you soon.

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Love you.

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Bye.

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Bye! Bye-bye-bye!

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All right, Moz? I'm afraid Nicki's just gone out.

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Ah, that's a shame. Can I come in for a sec?

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Um... Yeah, suppose.

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Cartoon Head, you all right?

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So, what can I do for you?

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Well, Baby Sanjeev wanted to give us some paintings earlier,

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but I was on my way out, so I was hoping I could pick 'em up now.

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It's nearly 11 o'clock.

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It's been hanging over us.

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O-M-F-G!

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You're a paedo.

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Of course I'm not a paedo. Hey! Cartoon Head.

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Paedo!

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No! I'm saying I'm definitely not a paedo, am I?

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Come on, Jess. You know me.

0:16:570:16:59

Nicki said she'd leave them in the kitchen drawer.

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Knock yourself out.

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Thank you.

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Brought you a present.

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That's so sweet.

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-SHE GASPS

-My God!

0:17:270:17:29

Is that a diamond?

0:17:290:17:31

It's a diamond.

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Oh! Wow!

0:17:330:17:36

I couldn't possibly keep this.

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(Keep it!)

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Please, do it for me.

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(Do it for him...and me!)

0:17:480:17:52

Thank you.

0:17:540:17:56

How can you afford this? What work do you do?

0:17:560:18:00

Oh, I used to be a decorator, but now I just have a good time.

0:18:000:18:05

I'll probably come again tomorrow.

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OK.

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Or if not, the day after that.

0:18:160:18:18

Oh, no, I can't come the day after that.

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Why not?

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Cos the day after that...

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I'm gonna die.

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What?

0:18:270:18:29

Why? What's wrong with you?

0:18:290:18:30

Oh, nothing's wrong with me, but...

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I am going to die on Friday.

0:18:330:18:35

That's terrible.

0:18:370:18:39

(Ask him how much it's worth.)

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-Hiya!

-Hi! Moz, these are awesome.

0:18:480:18:52

Oh cool! May I?

0:18:520:18:54

Nice. I love the use of primary colours.

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Yeah...

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I like to think of myself as a painter from the...Primary School.

0:19:000:19:05

What amazes me most is what you've left out.

0:19:050:19:07

You'll find what I've left out is probably the best bit.

0:19:070:19:10

-Have you sold many of these?

-No.

0:19:100:19:12

You know how it is.

0:19:120:19:13

Once I'm dead, they'll be swapping hands for 100 quid a pop.

0:19:130:19:17

You can get way more than that for these right now.

0:19:170:19:19

Where have you exhibited?

0:19:190:19:21

-I've never actually...

-You've never exhibited?

0:19:230:19:25

You are the classic outsider artist.

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That doesn't make me any less fascinating, does it?

0:19:290:19:31

No, outsiders are so in, it's ridiculous.

0:19:310:19:33

I know Warren will want to give you a show at the Forever Machine.

0:19:330:19:37

Oh, I'll show them to him tomorrow then.

0:19:370:19:39

No need. He's on his way over here right now.

0:19:390:19:41

-Now?

-Yeah, I want to move quickly.

0:19:410:19:44

Yeah, I want to move quickly.

0:19:440:19:46

INTERCOM BUZZES

0:19:470:19:48

(This could be Warren.)

0:19:480:19:50

-Hello! ..It's Warren.

-Great!

0:19:500:19:53

-Yeah, come on up.

-HE MOUTHS

0:19:530:19:55

This is exciting.

0:19:550:19:56

# Nothing you can say

0:19:560:19:58

# Can tear me away from my guy

0:19:580:20:02

# Nothing you can do Cos I'm... #

0:20:050:20:08

Are you sure?

0:20:080:20:10

I always think ketamine sounds too strong to me.

0:20:100:20:13

I love hallucinating. I just don't like seeing stuff that isn't there.

0:20:130:20:17

Well, what do you think?

0:20:220:20:25

-They're pretty fucking real.

-Mm-hm.

0:20:250:20:29

I'm thinking Van Vliet, I'm thinking Rauschenberg.

0:20:290:20:32

Are they cheeses? Cos I'm starving.

0:20:320:20:34

I adore this piece. Does it have a title?

0:20:340:20:36

Yeah, course it does. It's called...

0:20:360:20:38

..Painted Painting.

0:20:390:20:42

-That is beyond perfect.

-Cheers.

0:20:420:20:46

I think we need to give Moz a show at the Forever Machine.

0:20:460:20:49

-Definitely.

-I told you!

0:20:490:20:50

-I'd like to splash you all over.

-Mm-hm.

0:20:500:20:53

We had to cancel an upcoming exhibition, "Lacto Urinary Collision".

0:20:530:20:58

Michael Radley planned to install ten bell jars of frozen milkman urine.

0:20:580:21:02

But we lost the sponsorship of the Milk Marketing Board.

0:21:020:21:05

You must be heartbroken.

0:21:050:21:07

I've been beside myself.

0:21:070:21:09

Nobody wants to be sitting there.

0:21:090:21:12

-I say we keep the whole thing ersatz.

-Mm-hm.

0:21:120:21:14

I love ersatz. When they first brought them out I was resistant,

0:21:140:21:18

but now I couldn't imagine a world without them.

0:21:180:21:21

I'll start an essay right away.

0:21:210:21:24

"Post Dialectic Morphology and the New Now".

0:21:240:21:27

It'll help explain some of what you're doing.

0:21:270:21:29

Do you think it needs explaining?

0:21:290:21:31

The golden rule. If it doesn't require an explanation, it's not worth doing.

0:21:310:21:36

Of course! How terribly enfant of me.

0:21:360:21:39

-See you tomorrow.

-Bye.

0:21:390:21:41

You are pretty fucking real, Moz.

0:21:430:21:45

And do you know what I like most of all about your work?

0:21:450:21:48

-I can make money off of it?

-Aside from that.

0:21:480:21:50

Not sure. You?

0:21:500:21:52

Not sure.

0:21:520:21:54

It evolves its own hypermyth via its refusal to refract.

0:21:540:21:59

Bye.

0:22:000:22:01

Bye. Thank you.

0:22:010:22:03

He's a nice straightforward lad, isn't he?

0:22:050:22:07

Warren is such an original thinker he's had his cultural influence insured.

0:22:070:22:11

If only there was a way of preserving his brain in bleach ASAP.

0:22:110:22:15

Moz, I can't tell you how excited I am about discovering you.

0:22:150:22:19

Discovering me?

0:22:190:22:21

The real you.

0:22:220:22:24

I have always suspected we were kindred spirits.

0:22:240:22:26

I love your honesty, I love your directness, I love your eyes.

0:22:260:22:30

But most of all, I love your art.

0:22:300:22:34

-My art?

-Mm-hm.

0:22:340:22:37

That's good because, er...

0:22:390:22:41

..my art wants to love you back.

0:22:430:22:45

MUSIC: "Billie Holiday" by Warpaint

0:22:490:22:51

# B-I-L-L-I-E

0:23:060:23:10

# H-O-L-I-D-A-Y

0:23:100:23:15

# B-I-L-L-I-E H-O-L-I-D-A-Y... #

0:23:160:23:23

How instant is it? Should I be experiencing something now?

0:23:230:23:27

What is it?

0:23:300:23:32

MUSIC ECHOES

0:23:320:23:36

It's... It's a red bag.

0:23:400:23:44

-ECHOES:

-Bag, bag, bag, bag, bag...

0:23:440:23:48

I can't stop thinking about your amazing artistic skills.

0:24:310:24:35

I'm hoping to use them in a minute.

0:24:350:24:38

Shall we...go into your bedroom area?

0:24:380:24:42

If you know what I mean.

0:24:420:24:43

I worry that it's too soon.

0:24:430:24:45

Too soon?

0:24:450:24:46

Yeah, I think it's too soon.

0:24:460:24:48

It's not too soon. Trust me, it's just in time.

0:24:480:24:52

I wouldn't want us to spoil it.

0:24:520:24:54

-It?

-Us. Spoil us.

0:24:540:24:56

-Spoil us?

-Spoil what we have.

0:24:560:24:58

I think we could have more.

0:24:580:25:00

Maybe what we have is enough.

0:25:000:25:01

It's not enough.

0:25:010:25:03

-Is it possible that it's enough?

-It's not enough.

0:25:030:25:05

Look, I feel very close to you right now

0:25:070:25:11

but I'm not quite ready to sleep with you.

0:25:110:25:13

Really?

0:25:150:25:16

You're all the same, you celibate lesbians.

0:25:200:25:22

As strongly as I feel about you, tonight is not the night,

0:25:220:25:27

so please stop trying to coerce me.

0:25:270:25:30

I'm not coercing, I'm seducing.

0:25:300:25:33

Are you saying that my seduction is coming across as a coercion?

0:25:340:25:38

Not entirely, but it does have a slightly whiny quality to it.

0:25:380:25:41

Whiny? That's a blow.

0:25:410:25:44

I saw myself as a chunky Pierce Brosnan effortlessly flirting with you.

0:25:440:25:49

All right, then. Well, name your exclusion zone.

0:25:500:25:54

-Do you want some more wine?

-Definitely.

0:25:540:25:57

DISSONANT BUZZING MUSIC

0:26:040:26:07

Fisht.

0:26:220:26:24

SCREAMING

0:26:430:26:45

MUSIC: "Bad Dreams" by Venus Ray

0:26:450:26:48

Fisht.

0:26:480:26:51

# Dream, baby, dream, baby

0:26:510:26:53

# Dream, baby, dream, baby Dream, baby, dream, baby

0:26:530:26:59

# Dream, baby, dream, baby... #

0:26:590:27:01

Whatever else happens,

0:27:110:27:13

I'm happy right now.

0:27:130:27:16

Ah!

0:27:180:27:20

PANTING

0:27:200:27:22

-Are you masturbating?

-No.

0:27:220:27:24

-Are you sure?

-Cramp!

0:27:240:27:27

Well, why don't you get up?

0:27:270:27:29

I didn't want to break the mood. Ah!

0:27:290:27:32

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

0:27:340:27:37

CRASH Ow!

0:27:370:27:38

Yeah, that did kind of break the mood.

0:27:380:27:41

Our relationship's going to the next stage.

0:27:430:27:46

-Are you stalking her?

-I'm the perfect ginger.

0:27:460:27:48

Thought you'd never get here.

0:27:480:27:49

That really took me back.

0:27:490:27:51

Disembowelling's too good for him.

0:27:510:27:53

-Donna said she might pop round.

-Donna?

0:27:530:27:55

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0:28:120:28:15

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0:28:150:28:18

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