The Love Ideal

This programme contains very strong language.

Carmel.

Carmel?

Colin?

How did you get in here?

I've... I've had an accident.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

So you do still care for me.

What?!

Oh, for goodness me!

Is that what it takes, is it? Eh? Three knives through the heart?

(GROANS)

Hi-hi! Oi, you! She don't want you hanging round bothering her. Get out!

Ooh! I were going to get one of those. They're good, aren't they?

I got us some more coffee

and I went to that new gay bakery, The Hasty Pastry.

Got you some glittery flapjacks!

I hope you like a big breakfast. That's star fruit and goat yoghurt.

Got any Frosties?

I have quinoa flakes with crystallised alfalfa and cranberries.

What about bacon? Even vegetarians like bacon.

Did you know that "alfalfa" means "the father of all foods"?

Did you know bacon's the motherfucker of all foods?

And it's what I really fancy.

This is really good for you.

Yeah, but is there an upside?

There is, actually, cos it goes great

with either unsweetened parsnip milk or soya milk.

You can't rush a decision like that(!)

Thanks for dealing with Colin.

No problem.

I want you to know I will always be here for you.

- Oh, I should go. - (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hi-hi!

Hugh, this is Carmel. Carmel, Hugh.

In't he scrummy!

Hi! Nice to meet you.

And you, yeah. Brian's told me a lot about you.

Your...rates sound very reasonable.

Not that he's interested in that kind of thing.

Not that I'm interested in that kind of thing.

He don't cycle both ways.

So, where are you going?

Hugh's advising me on what sort of bicycle I should get.

- I'm thinking top of the range. - I'm thinking top of the range.

Hugh runs that gay bike shop on Canal Street.

Homo Cycle Maniacs.

I thought you hated cycling.

Y-yeah, but the outfits are good, aren't they?

I don't really feel I can carry off the outfit

unless I'm wheeling along a top-of-the-range bike.

We do lesbian bikes too. Lots of baskets.

Some other time.

Come on! Let's meddle with some pedals.

Well, thanks for breakfast. It were a real...

taste implosion.

My pleasure.

- Will I see you tonight? - Uh-huh!

I have to start setting up for your exhibition,

but first we have to dismantle The Pottery Of The Perverse.

The removal men have to come in

and shift an eight-foot clay clitoris, if they can find it.

Listen...

..would you still like me if I wasn't an artist?

I've always liked you. You know that.

But now that I know that you're an artist, I feel so much closer to you.

Why do you want to bother putting on an exhibition of my paintings?

They look like a kid could have done them.

Hardly!

Hello, Derrick. Yoko.

Today you are walking down the stairs, Moz.

Ten out of ten for observation.

Coming in, then?

No, we're just going to score some weed off Nicki.

Nicki?

Well, I bought off you last time, so it seems only fair.

Yeah, but...

..Nicki's sold out.

On telephone, Nicki say she has £3,000 worth of cannabis.

Yeah...but there's been a rush on.

Whereas I, on the other hand, can offer you a wide range of smokables

in a boutique-style environment.

Your pregnancy's looking very, er...

..pregnant.

- Thank you. - We're very excited.

We are not excited.

Excitement is bad for baby.

Baby like to chill out.

Well, he's in right place for that.

It's like he's in his own isolation tank.

Just so long as he doesn't suffer from claustrophobia.

My family has no history with claustrophobic babies.

Good.

Good.

Can I offer you a cup of tea or coffee?

I know Nicki don't do extras but I like to treat my customers as friends.

Even the ones who actually are friends.

Green tea, please.

We only do brown tea.

Also I would like a glass of milk, three pieces of toast with honey,

a ginger-based biscuit and any cake you possess.

I see Yoko's still a bit mentally mentally.

- Yeah, can't do anything right for her. - In what way?

Everything I do just seems to irritate her.

I mean you know me, Moz.

I'm about as far away from irritating as you can get.

- Mm... - She doesn't like my tone of voice,

she doesn't like my clothes,

she doesn't like the way I come into a room, she doesn't like the way I eat,

she doesn't like the way I leave a room.

But...

I love it when you leave a room.

Cheers, mate, yeah. Wish I was married to you.

Do ya?

Oh, well, might be a bit late for that one.

I've met someone.

I'm so excited, Derrick. I've got to tell you.

I think I'm in love.

Bit soon, isn't it?

Don't you think you should spend a bit more time moping over Jenny?

No, I've got to move on.

You know, find the inner me, wave him about a bit.

Hey, think the lady in question might like me too.

Wait. So you love her but you think she might like you. That's a bit weird.

No, you wouldn't understand.

- Have you slept with her? - No.

- Are you stalking her? - No! God, I wish I'd never mentioned it.

Sounds like it's all in your head, matey.

It's not in my head.

Are you not even going to ask me who it is?

No, it's wrong to pry.

It's Tilly upstairs.

You are making it up.

(SILENT SCREAM)

Derrick, why do you come into the room like that?

(KNOCKS)

Well, I've got it all sorted.

All what?

This Friday,

I've arranged for a bunch of bobbies to bob round Nicki's and bust her.

Nicely nicely!

Hey, just out of interest,

what's going to happen to Nicki's house

full of skunk plants in Broadbottom?

Will it be cropping up on Grand Designs?

While the boys are busy doing the bust,

I'll be there having a quick harvest.

Ah!

Then I sell it, then soon we're both knee deep in quids.

Not straightaway, though.

If Red Mist get wind that you're big time...

They have me head off and my neck stump stuffed full of Caramacs.

Precisely.

Where are you gonna store it? Under your hat?

I reckon must be about half a tonne of skunk.

We're gonna need a bigger hat.

We'll hire a skip...

..put it in police station car park with a tarp over it, should be safe enough.

I love this country.

Here! Here, little man! Little ear mouse!

- Come here. - (KNOCK AT DOOR)

It's Jake.

I was worried about you.

You said you were in danger.

I've been in danger ever since I joined the Red Mist.

The Red Mist? That's a myth.

A scarlet fog that devours human flesh? Of course it's a myth.

It's a secret society just for gingers.

They've got their own laws, their own rituals.

Rituals?

You mean...

like morris dancing?

Worse than that.

They're evil.

So why did you join them?

Psycho Paul's gang nearly beat me to death.

And the Red Mist took me in.

Got me private medical attention, gave me money,

flash apartment, a Porsche, really big iPod.

I can have anything I want. All I've got to do is ask.

In, seriously? Why?

Cos I'm the perfect ginger.

Really?

Because I've met a few other ginger guys who are a little more...

They treat me like a celebrity.

One that people actually like.

Why? What's in it for them?

After six months, I give it all up, hand myself over to the Red King...

..as a human sacrifice.

Oh...

And that six months is up?

Tomorrow.

Bummer.

How's, er, Tilly upstairs?

Hey!

I told you - hands off.

I only asked you how she is.

She's wonderful, as it goes.

In fact, our relationship's going to the next stage.

What? You going out together?

Just about to start.

Does she know that?

Yeah.

Are you stalking her?

No!

You are, aren't you?

- No! - I should hope not.

Cos I reckon if I have a bit of a Google, there's laws against that.

I'm not stalking her.

It's actually...beautiful and romantic.

I nearly shagged her last night.

I were willing.

If I had a pound for every woman that I were willing to sleep with,

I'd be a multimillionaire.

All right, cockerfeller!

POLICE RADIO: Gunfight in progress at the Arndale Centre.

Eh! I reckon I might pop along to that.

Sometimes you can pick up a nice little bargain in the chaos.

I have to go.

Lots to sort out before my sacrifice.

So you're just going to let them kill you?

I owe them my life.

Jake, promise me you'll run away.

Promise me you'll come with me.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Bye, then.

You mucky beggar!

I'm Jake.

Yeah, I know who you are and I know what you've been up to.

That is my wife.

I really don't think it's a good idea for you to keep calling here.

The clients don't come to be insulted.

Some of them do, but by me.

I want to...

..employ you.

What?

Three hundred quid.

That's good for three hours of my wife's time, innit?

It won't make you happy.

It will.

I want three hours' worth of happy, please.

OK.

But you have to promise not to critify me.

I promise not to critify.

So, how's life in your warden-assisted flat?

Oh, ever so good, Moz.

If you need anything sorting out, all you have to do is tell the warden

and you go straight on that waiting list - no mucking about.

It's smashing, kiddo. It's like living in a tiny, tiny palace.

Eh, I had a warden when I were in prison.

For four days.

Prison's still prison, no matter how long you're in there for.

Hark at birdbrain of Alcatraz!

Dad's spent half his life in prison and he never mentions it.

Keith...

..what's he mean, you spent half your life in prison?

You told me you'd done two weeks for accidental arson.

I know, kitten, I did.

But Moz means for me charity work, you know, with me...

..broth.

Broth?

You hand out broth to prisoners?

Yeah, that, and I teach 'em how to make...

..broth.

- CAROL: Oh! You're such a good man. - (HE MOUTHS)

You'll have to cook me one of your broths.

Course I will, kitten.

(HE MOUTHS)

- (MOZ MOUTHS) - TROY: Hey!

Donna said she might pop round.

Donna?

Coming round here?

Not sure we're properly insured for that.

Who's Donna?

Me wife.

I didn't know you were married, son.

Hey, congratulations!

When was the happy day?

Eight years ago.

Not been many happy days since then, mind.

Eh? Me and Donna are enjoying a good patch at the moment.

- Really? - Yeah.

It's been weeks since she stabbed me.

Aw! She sounds sweet.

(KNOCKING)

What's kept you? I've been stood here for pissing ages.

- You've only just knocked. - I shouldn't have to knock.

You should be looking out for us.

Soz.

All right, Donna?

How're you doing?

I haven't seen you since that night you...

headbutted your cat.

You've lost weight, Moz.

Thanks.

Still fat, mind.

I'm Keith.

- I'm Troy's dad. - Troy says you used to be a twat

- but now you're not so bad. - Did he? Thanks, son.

Hi, Donna. I'm Carol. I'm Keith's girlfriend.

Troy says you're blind as a bat.

That's right. Can't see a thing.

You're not missing much. Telly's shite these days.

Hey! We went blind once, remember?

When we got them E's off that scouser with one finger.

Now that were a proper night out.

Can I get you a drink, Donna?

I know they say it brings out the worst in people but...

what've we got to lose?

Red Bull with Baileys and cider, ta.

Wine or beer?

It's a good job someone were thinking ahead, weren't it?

Cider.

Baileys.

Red Bull.

And, for them what needs a chaser...

..meths.

Why, ambassador, you are despoiling us.

All right?

(SHOUTS) Jess, it's Cartoon Head.

JESS: Coming!

What do you want?

Can I use your toilet?

This isn't a service station.

Go on, then, but be quick.

Thanks.

- Where're you two off to, then? - Not sure.

It's not about where you go. It's about how drunk you get when you're there.

- Yeah, well, you be careful. - Yeah, whatevs.

Hello.

You all right, blud?

Thought you'd never get here.

So where d'you wanna go?

Zyklon B's is doing non-stop Future Skool and half-price vodka yoghurts.

Mm-hm...

- So... Sorry. - What do you want?

I want you home. Plastic Face wants you home.

I don't know how you can live with yourself.

I don't know how he could live with you.

(GASPS)

What are we gonna do?

(GURGLES)

No, Plastic Face!

Disembowelling's too good for him.

- Sorry. - (GURGLES)

Troy says since Jenny dumped you, you've just been moping around.

Haven't been moping around.

In fact...

..I've met someone else.

Oh, yeah.

Who've you tricked into liking you now?

No tricks involved. This is genuine magic.

Who is she, son?

Tilly.

The American lass upstairs.

Oh, she's lovely.

I really like the feel of her chin.

Hang on. Didn't you tell me she was a lesbian?

Yeah, but...

..the lock ain't been made that I can't unpick.

So how long you been seeing this lucky lesbian?

- It's... It's early days. - So how long?

Well, even now it's just...

..starting.

Even as we're speaking it's...starting.

- You stalking her? - No.

Sounds like stalking talk to me.

I'm not stalking her.

We've been friends for months

and now that friendship has blossomed into something...

else.

- Obsession. - Yeah!

- Love. - Calm down, son. Don't get het up.

I'm just pleased you've found someone you love.

Thank you.

Does she love you?

I don't know.

Oh! This is sounding a bit stalky now.

But on the other hand, maybe it's too soon to start a new relationship.

Well, those outsider artists are quite fascinating, though,

- specially the overweight ones. - I know.

He's not like anyone else I've ever met. He's part innocent, part criminal.

A crimocent?

I've been choreographing a dance piece about crimocents.

(INTERCOM BUZZES)

- Hello. - Hiya, Tilly. It's Moz.

Hey, Moz, come on up.

I'll leave you two to it.

Thanks. I'll see you at the private view.

OK.

Hi!

You remember Astrid?

Yeah! Course! You're, er...

..clever.

Yes.

I've been helping Tilly hang your paintings.

Hanging's all they're fit for.

Oh, no, Moz. I'm not prone to exaggeration

but I think you are a far greater artist than Picasso.

Cheers, petal!

Goodbye. Bye, Tilly.

Come on. Sit down.

- So how are you? - I'm sound.

It's just... It's good to see you.

I know.

Thrilling times.

Thrilling times. Definitely.

If I was you, I'd be getting very excited about my opening.

Your...opening.

Your opening.

I don't really have a...

- Your exhibition opening. - Oh, yeah!

- Yeah! - Course!

It's very exciting. I'm thrilled to bits and pieces.

This is going to change your life for ever.

Is it?

Think about it. You've been selling weed for most of your life.

Now, finally, you're going to be doing something honest,

selling paintings like that for thousands of pounds.

# All right, happy now

# All right, happy now All right... #

You make me very happy.

Yeah?

And you me.

What about people who say you're too old to have a boyfriend my age?

To those people, I say...

fuck off!

And I tell you another thing.

Your velvety clasp is proper comfy.

Is it?

Good!

# ...Happy now All right

# Happy now... #

Thanks.

That really took me back.

Did you, um...

Did you enjoy yourself?

Sure.

Honestly?

I always enjoy myself.

Because I do most of the work and I know what I like.

Did I not contribute anything, then?

Was I just...ballast?

What is ballast?

It's... It's...

It's something that holds another thing down.

Ah, OK.

Then yes.

Oh.

Well, I suppose there's good ballast and there's bad ballast, ain't there?

Of course. There's big ballast

- and small ballast. - Shall we just leave it there?

Why did we split up?

Because you took me for granted.

I would have expected that from my first two husbands but not from you.

Your first two husbands?

You know what, Tilly? I've been thinking about you all day.

I've been thinking about you every single second.

You know, not in an obsessive way.

Oh, I'm flattered.

I mean, you know...

most people have been saying to me, "You're obsessed!"

What people?

- Idiots. - Which idiots?

Well, I told a few family members and then I told a few...idiots

that me and you were...

- getting it on. - You've been telling people?

Well, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. I realise that now.

I'm a moron. Look...

It's fine. I've been telling people too. Most of them tried to talk me out of it.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

That's great news.

CARMEL: My first husband was a doctor.

Very rich, very respected.

He was 40. I was 19.

The mucky beggar!

My family was very poor.

When I married him, they didn't have to worry any more.

But then he died in a car accident.

- And you inherited his fortune? - No.

He left all his money to a lobster sanctuary.

Oh!

My second husband was an architect.

Rich, handsome, famous.

He was 50, I was 21.

The filthy bastard!

No!

He was kind and gentle.

Treated me like a princess.

But then he went bankrupt,

committed suicide.

I lost everything, had to start working as a prostitute.

Probably better off without him.

Then I came to England, got kidnapped,

lost my memory, met you.

You tricked me into thinking we were already a couple.

Then I fell in love with you. Ah, the rest you know.

Yeah.

- (ALARM BEEPS) - OK, time's up.

(WHISPERS) Tilly.

You're my muesli.

Muesli?

Not muesli. Muse!

Oh, wow! I've never been anyone's muse before, or muesli.

- Mm, you're my first. - Mm!

Before we go any further,

I have to ask again... are we sure we want to do this?

Abso-posi-lutely!

Tilly...

what are you worried about?

I'm worried about our professional relationship.

Huh?

Our professional relationship. You're an artist. I'm your patron.

I don't know if I can sleep with you and patronise you.

Don't worry.

It's worked before.

We have a warrant to search the premises.

When the Red Mist descends, it always claims its victim.

- So I'm safe now. - (GUNSHOT)

Ambulance, please.

- You need to sit down. - Quite exciting!