The Red King Ideal

-MAN: Hello, Nicola.

-I've a message for the Red King.

Go ahead.

The man in charge of Salford's big weed operation's called Moz.

You'll find him at Flat 2, 23 Saint Stephen's Road.

Thank you, Nicola. I'll make sure the Red King gets your message.

So...so, I'm safe now?

I'll make sure the Red King gets your message.

PHONE BEEPS

SHE SIGHS

Good morning, genius.

-HE SIGHS

-Mm. Morning.

You know what I think when I see you in the morning?

Mm, actually, I don't want to know.

I think...

Oh, God!

No! No.

That's a bit strong.

I forgot to set the alarm.

We have so much to do before tonight.

How can I help?

No, probably not.

Very kind of you, Nicki. Thanks for the babygros, the bouncer, the bottles,

the bibs, the thermal blankets, the changing mat, the potty, the...

You're welcome. I'm not planning on having any more myself.

Your many, many gifts make the foetus happy.

-Goodbye, Nicki.

-Bye, love.

See you.

Derrick, I regret to tell you our marriage is now over.

What? Oh, you're just tired, love. Go home and we'll eat some swede.

All right, Fist? How's it going, matey?

Fist.

What brings you over this way?

What? What do you mean? Yasuko doesn't wanna go with you.

Fist.

She's not going with you. She's staying with me.

The reasons are multifold. We're married, we...

Nice to see you again, Fist.

Fist.

Yasuko?

HE SOBS

She thinks you're an artist?

Yeah.

Not a piss artist. A proper artist?

She thinks I painted Sanjeev's paintings, and she loves them.

She's gonna put on an exhibition at her gallery.

I've so screwed this up.

Listen, I know I'm coming right out of left field here,

but why didn't you tell her the truth?

Because I know that being an artist was a deciding factor

-in whether or not she slept with me.

-Oh.

I don't know much about art, but I know sex is good.

Fair enough.

If I let her go ahead with this exhibition,

Tilly's gonna be made to look a fool.

But if I tell her the truth, she's bound to dump me.

Whenever you tell a lie, it always comes back and bites you on the arse.

Like when I told that parking attendant I were a sumo wrestler.

He bit me on the arse.

Look, I've got a plan.

I think it'll work, but it's quite complicated

and there's loads to remember.

-Great. Just let me do this.

-Er...

But if we find out where the Red King is, Cartoon Head can go in and take him out!

No! I've handed Moz's details to the Red King, and that's the end of it!

-You're just gonna let him kill Moz?

-Well, it's Moz or me!

Killing the Red King is irrelevant.

Another one'll just replace him. You know what gingers are.

Why should you have the last say, anyway?!

Maybe someone else should be running this gang. Paul or CH or me.

You?! You shouldn't even be here!

It's getting far too dangerous. I think you should go back to Cardiff.

Oh, please(!) You are not my mum!

Yes, I am!

What?

I am your mum.

I got pregnant with you when I was 21.

It was too soon for me.

I couldn't handle the responsibility.

I made Mum promise she'd never tell you.

I didn't think I'd ever tell you.

It was so hard,

watching you growing up, not being able to tell you who I really was.

So, who's my Dad?

You don't want to know. He was a loud, leery drunk.

-He was my yoga teacher.

-This is all getting a bit overwhelming.

I'm starting to wish you'd had an abortion.

I love you so much.

Everything's gonna be all right now.

KNOCKING

SHE SIGHS

Good afternoon. We have a warrant to search the premises.

And you're absolutely sure this plan of yours will work?

I think it's your best bet.

She saves face, you save face. Extra face all round.

I'm determined to make this relationship work, Bri.

Tilly has been like a breath of fresh air.

Fresh, air-conditioned American air.

And I'm not gonna let that air slip through my fingers.

Um, don't you think you should still be moping over Jenny?

No.

I've never seen anybody more obviously on the rebound.

I'm not on the rebound! I'm in love.

In love with the idea of love.

Yeah.

Well, you'll be in love with the idea of having a complete set of teeth

if you don't shut up.

You set this up, didn't you?

No. I swear.

I...I only just heard about it.

You always were a terrible liar.

Could you give us a sec?

Bye, Mum.

Nicki, this is for your own safe...

Mum?!

I can't talk about it now.

OK.

Look, at least if you're locked away, Red Mist can't kill you.

We've arranged this for your own good.

-We?

-Me and Moz.

Oh.

He was very definite about not wanting you killed. He said it twice.

Listen, there's something I need to tell you.

MAN ON RADIO: K-23, there is a suffocation in progress in Sock Shop.

Come on, love, it's time to go.

Look, I'll see you soon, yeah?

K-23, immediate backup required at Sock Shop.

All right, all right. I've not sat down for half an hour.

Now, are you sure you can remember what you've got to say to Tilly?

No worries. Thanks, Bri.

I reckon this new lie should definitely convince her that I'm sincere.

TEXT ALERT

-MOBILE BEEPS

-Oh, it's a text from Phil Collins.

Blimey.

Nicki's just been busted.

-Shit-a-roo.

-KNOCKING

Ah, the Man From De Mented.

Moz. A pleasure to see you.

-Is it?

-I assure you I mean you no harm.

Thing is, I find your assurance unnerving.

How is Jenny?

-Why?

-Why what?

-Why "How is Jenny?"

-I am asking how she is.

-Cos you've killed her?

-I haven't killed her.

Sure?

I haven't killed her. I haven't seen her. That is why I ask how she is.

You're trying to scare me.

I'm not. How is Jenny?

She's in Glasgow.

Ah. Good.

You are trying to scare me.

I'm not trying to scare you. Stop saying that. You're making me angry.

-Hi, hi.

-Ah, Brian.

-Are you ready?

-Yes, indeedy.

Wow.

Are you two going on a date?

-Mm! In't he scrummy?

-Fatally scrummy.

-See you sooner than soon.

-Goodbye, Moz.

Don't think you scare me with all that "I'm not trying to scare you" stuff.

KNOCKING

Hi. You OK?

So-so. My probation's a bit up and down.

Can I come in?

OK. But for five minutes only. These are my work hours.

I can't get you out of my head. You're like the catchiest tune ever.

You're like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang crossed with Crazy Frog.

Colin, look! For a brief moment, I loved you passionately and deeply.

But now I don't. What's the big problem?

But look at me, I'm perfect.

We split up months ago.

If you're so amazing, how come no-one else picked you out yet?

I am keeping myself pure...for you.

Is that a copy of Busty Teens?

Um...probably.

KNOCKING

-That'll be a client. You have to go.

-OK.

-I'm...I'm gonna go out this way.

-There is no way out that way. Colin!

Colin! Come out!

KNOCKING

If you interfere, I will never talk to you again.

HE PANTS

Jake! I thought you were being sacrificed today.

-I legged it.

-I didn't think I would see you again.

Oh. Ha-ha.

It's for tonight. I took your measurements whilst you were sleeping.

It's made almost entirely out of tampons and sanitary towels.

Good. Good, I'm...I'm liking it so far.

What happens if it rains?

You know, what...what kind of expansion are we talking about on this bad boy?

35%?

Oh. I think I'm gonna have to skip it, thanks.

But it's so convenient if you spill your drink.

But it's entirely up to you. After all, you're the artist.

Listen, Tilly. There's something you need to know before tonight.

-Before tonight?

-About my...exhibition.

Uh-huh.

It...

Er...it's an art prank.

I am an art prankstrel.

What?

I didn't do those paintings. They were all done by Nicki's three-year-old.

I've duped the art world and it's all because of my art hoax.

You mediated your work through the agency of infancy.

Yeah...I definitely did.

And you couldn't tell me the truth,

because that would have rendered the performance inauthentic.

So inauthentic.

But now, you know, now that we're a...we're a couple,

I...I felt I had to tell you.

Because...because if I hadn't, you know, then I'd have been letting you down,

and I'd...I'd have been letting myself down.

And, worst of all, I'd have been letting down my feminine side.

And she'd have hated that, cos you know how women are.

-You astonish me.

-Is that the good astonishment, or the bad kind?

The good kind. You're twice the genius I thought you were.

-Great.

-You're amazing.

So are you.

JAKE: It's so good to see you again.

CARMEL: It's always nice to see you.

Have you got that necklace I bought you?

Yeah... SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Why? Did...

did you...want it back?

Oh, no, no.

Can I see you wear it?

OK, sure.

I love you.

That's nice.

I...love this.

Oh.

Oh, Carmel. I love you so much.

-I can't die.

-HE SOBS

Ah, Turner and Hooch.

-We're looking for Nicki.

-I'm afraid you're too late.

Did the Red Mist get her?

Is her neck hole a selection box?

Nah. She's been busted.

The cops just can't go around arresting people.

We ought to go down the police station, blud.

Psycho Paul doesn't go down the police station. That much should be obvious.

Word is, they've also raided her ganja factory.

Exit Welsh Caesar.

She's really let us down getting busted like that, hasn't she?

Yeah, definitely, blud.

A very selfish woman. Wouldn't you agree?

Yeah, for real, for real.

Total bitch.

Total bitch!

Somebody's keeping secrets, though, aren't they?

Er...are they?

Well, somebody obviously set her up.

Someone on the inside.

You can't trust anybody, can you, lads?

PHONE RINGS

-MOZ SIGHS

-I've got to get this.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-PC. Listen, are you sitting down?

-No. Why?

-Sit down.

-OK. I'm sitting down.

-You're not.

-I am.

-You're not sitting down. I can tell.

-Sit down.

-OK, OK. Hang on.

Ah.

-OK, you sitting down now?

-Oh, yeah. Much more comfy now.

You're still not sitting down. Sit down.

Oh, will you just fuckin' tell us what it is?

The Red Mist's coming for you.

I need to sit down.

You haven't got much time. They're already on their way. Nicki just tipped us off.

Tipped you off, or tipped them off?

Feller, she might've just saved your life. Get out of there.

Christ, what a day.

Thanks for your words of wisdom in the taxi.

I don't think I'll ever forget what you said.

If you ask me, Salford's lost its shine.

Why don't you come back to Cardiff with me?

What's the alternative? Stay here and get married?

You do realise that'll make Nicki your mother-in-law?

Come to Cardiff, please.

KNOCKING

Ah, you must be the Swan Vestas I ordered.

Good afternoon.

Would I be speaking to Moz?

Yeah, you would. And you are...

People call me the Red King.

-You may know of me, you may not.

-I have heard talk.

CLICK This is Callum.

He does most of the beheading.

CLICK And this is Heather.

Heather likes stuffing people's neck holes with chocolate bars.

Hm. What is it today, Heather?

Dime bars.

Ooh. Do a serious damage with a Dime.

If...if I can stop you just there...

..I think there's been some misunderstanding, Your Majesty.

Surely neither of us wants to end up just another red-on-red crime statistic.

Hm. No-one told me you were one of the blessed.

Nah, I don't like to flaunt my freckles.

I'd rather just quietly get on with being a carrot-top.

And is the basement decorated in the same fashion?

Oh, yeah.

ZIP

Aah!

As I always say...

...if the minge ain't ginge,

I don't impinge.

Time to turn around, boys and girls.

I'll be back in ten minutes.

-Ah...

-Well, well, well.

Look who it is.

OTHERS: The Perfect Ginger.

Perfect Ginger.

Let the Red Mist descend.

No.

-SHE LAUGHS

-No!

SHE CACKLES

-Why didn't you tell me about Jake?

-He's a client. What's to tell?

-A client who loves you.

-So? Let him love me.

If it makes him happy, and it makes me rich, let him love me.

Oh, that's it! I...I...

Oh, OK.

-I've had enough.

-Colin, please. This is crazy.

He wants to live because of me, and you want to kill yourself because of me.

-Well, surely I've trumped him.

-Stop it.

-I don't want to hear any more trumping.

-I'm gonna throw myself to death.

And, seriously, it's only the first floor. I don't think you're gonna kill yourself.

I could do. If I landed wrong. I'm gonna try and land wrong.

Come back in here now!

Nobody'll miss me.

Nobody needs me.

I'm bloody useless.

-Uh! Whoa!

-HE GASPS

-Col, what are you doing?

-Preparing to jump.

Really? Cos it looks like you're clinging on for dear life to me.

I've got nothing to live for now.

It's only one floor down. You're not gonna kill yourself, you berk.

I could do, if I landed wrong. And I probably am gonna land wrong.

No, you're not. Look, Col. For God's sake, get back inside.

You're makin' a nuisance of yourself. You're...

Like that time you wedged your head in a microwave.

Yeah, cos that's all I am, innit? A nuisance.

-And you never really loved me.

-Yes, I did.

Did you?

More than anyone I've ever loved before, or since, or during.

-But you took me for granted.

-Yeah.

Cos I'm stupid. And that's another reason why I should die.

Col, Col, Col! Whatever's happened between you two, it's nowt that can't be mended.

Carmel knows that.

MOUTHS WORDS

Moz is... HE MOUTHS

Moz is right.

What?

If you come inside, we can talk about the future of our relationship.

Brilliant.

-You and me together forever, hey?

-Uh...

You...you've made me realise all that really matters is love and happiness.

God, that's shallow.

FOOTSTEPS

No! Jake!

Why does everybody want to be Peter Pan?

Bye, then.

CRASH Jake!

Jake, are you OK?

Oh...

Jake!

-I think he landed wrong.

-CARMEL SOBS

The Perfect Ginger is dead.

All is well for another year.

It was a fully functioning abattoir that was made entirely of meat.

-Oh, I'm in love.

-DOORBELL BUZZES

I wore one of your burning hats last night. Quite exciting.

Moz, hi.

You all psyched up for your private view?

Yeah, course.

Listen, I'm just gonna go snort two or three lines. Join me?

No, ta.

Listen, I've realised something.

I can't be with you if I'm not gonna be 100% honest.

And to be honest, I've not been 100% honest.

You know how I didn't paint those paintings?

Yeah?

Well, I didn't have the idea to turn it into an art prank either.

Cos I'm not an art prankstrel.

It were Brian's idea.

I let you believe I was an artist, because it seemed to make you like me more.

And I wanted you to like me.

I wanted you to love me, because I love you.

But it's wrong to trick someone into loving you.

Moz, I'm not an idiot. I figured it out.

How did I give myself away?

Well, you kept referring to your art as being contraceptual.

But this is my fault.

I got overenthusiastic about the idea of you being an unrecognised talent.

But ultimately I fell in love with the real you.

Come for the genius, stay for the idiot?

Yeah.

Whatever happens with the exhibition, that's up to Warren.

But I want you to know, anything you do is fine with me.

Really?

Why?

# Because you blow my mind

# Blow my mind

-# Because you blow my mind

-# Blow my mind

# And the way you're talking Baby, you're so cool

# I'll do anything for you...

# Unbelievable

# Ooh, it's such a rush

# So incredible

# Boy, you make me blush

# Just keep doing it Throw me into space

# And I'll be floating there for days

# Because you blow my mind Blow my mind

# Because you blow my mind # Blow my mind

# Because you blow my mind # Blow my mind

# Because you blow my mind

# Blow my mind... #

Sorry.

I did it for you, Plastic Face. I did it for you. HE GURGLES

Cartoon Head? Cartoon Head, can you hear me?

Hello? We need an ambulance, please. 23 St Stephen's Road, Salford.

-There's been a shooting.

-It's not looking good.

You're telling me. My God,

what did you do to your hair? It looks awful!

It was a matter of life and death.

But have you no aesthetic sense whatsoever?

You said anything I do was all right by you.

Oh, there are limits.

-Let me know if the ambulance doesn't show up.

-Don't die, CH.

Please.

Have I just been dumped?

# Bad dream, bad dream Bad dream, bad dream

# Bad dream, bad dream Bad dream, bad dream

# Bad dream, bad dream Bad dream, bad dream... #

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