The Red King Ideal


The Red King

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-MAN: Hello, Nicola.

-I've a message for the Red King.

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Go ahead.

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The man in charge of Salford's big weed operation's called Moz.

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You'll find him at Flat 2, 23 Saint Stephen's Road.

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Thank you, Nicola. I'll make sure the Red King gets your message.

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So...so, I'm safe now?

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I'll make sure the Red King gets your message.

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PHONE BEEPS

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SHE SIGHS

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Good morning, genius.

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-HE SIGHS

-Mm. Morning.

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You know what I think when I see you in the morning?

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Mm, actually, I don't want to know.

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I think...

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Oh, God!

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No! No.

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That's a bit strong.

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I forgot to set the alarm.

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We have so much to do before tonight.

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How can I help?

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No, probably not.

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Very kind of you, Nicki. Thanks for the babygros, the bouncer, the bottles,

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the bibs, the thermal blankets, the changing mat, the potty, the...

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You're welcome. I'm not planning on having any more myself.

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Your many, many gifts make the foetus happy.

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-Goodbye, Nicki.

-Bye, love.

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See you.

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Derrick, I regret to tell you our marriage is now over.

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What? Oh, you're just tired, love. Go home and we'll eat some swede.

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All right, Fist? How's it going, matey?

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Fist.

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What brings you over this way?

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What? What do you mean? Yasuko doesn't wanna go with you.

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Fist.

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She's not going with you. She's staying with me.

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The reasons are multifold. We're married, we...

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Nice to see you again, Fist.

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Fist.

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Yasuko?

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HE SOBS

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She thinks you're an artist?

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Yeah.

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Not a piss artist. A proper artist?

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She thinks I painted Sanjeev's paintings, and she loves them.

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She's gonna put on an exhibition at her gallery.

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I've so screwed this up.

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Listen, I know I'm coming right out of left field here,

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but why didn't you tell her the truth?

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Because I know that being an artist was a deciding factor

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-in whether or not she slept with me.

-Oh.

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I don't know much about art, but I know sex is good.

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Fair enough.

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If I let her go ahead with this exhibition,

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Tilly's gonna be made to look a fool.

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But if I tell her the truth, she's bound to dump me.

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Whenever you tell a lie, it always comes back and bites you on the arse.

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Like when I told that parking attendant I were a sumo wrestler.

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He bit me on the arse.

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Look, I've got a plan.

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I think it'll work, but it's quite complicated

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and there's loads to remember.

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-Great. Just let me do this.

-Er...

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But if we find out where the Red King is, Cartoon Head can go in and take him out!

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No! I've handed Moz's details to the Red King, and that's the end of it!

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-You're just gonna let him kill Moz?

-Well, it's Moz or me!

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Killing the Red King is irrelevant.

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Another one'll just replace him. You know what gingers are.

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Why should you have the last say, anyway?!

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Maybe someone else should be running this gang. Paul or CH or me.

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You?! You shouldn't even be here!

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It's getting far too dangerous. I think you should go back to Cardiff.

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Oh, please(!) You are not my mum!

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Yes, I am!

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What?

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I am your mum.

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I got pregnant with you when I was 21.

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It was too soon for me.

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I couldn't handle the responsibility.

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I made Mum promise she'd never tell you.

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I didn't think I'd ever tell you.

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It was so hard,

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watching you growing up, not being able to tell you who I really was.

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So, who's my Dad?

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You don't want to know. He was a loud, leery drunk.

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-He was my yoga teacher.

-This is all getting a bit overwhelming.

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I'm starting to wish you'd had an abortion.

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I love you so much.

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Everything's gonna be all right now.

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KNOCKING

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SHE SIGHS

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Good afternoon. We have a warrant to search the premises.

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And you're absolutely sure this plan of yours will work?

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I think it's your best bet.

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She saves face, you save face. Extra face all round.

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I'm determined to make this relationship work, Bri.

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Tilly has been like a breath of fresh air.

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Fresh, air-conditioned American air.

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And I'm not gonna let that air slip through my fingers.

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Um, don't you think you should still be moping over Jenny?

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No.

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I've never seen anybody more obviously on the rebound.

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I'm not on the rebound! I'm in love.

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In love with the idea of love.

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Yeah.

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Well, you'll be in love with the idea of having a complete set of teeth

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if you don't shut up.

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You set this up, didn't you?

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No. I swear.

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I...I only just heard about it.

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You always were a terrible liar.

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Could you give us a sec?

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Bye, Mum.

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Nicki, this is for your own safe...

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Mum?!

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I can't talk about it now.

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OK.

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Look, at least if you're locked away, Red Mist can't kill you.

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We've arranged this for your own good.

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-We?

-Me and Moz.

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Oh.

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He was very definite about not wanting you killed. He said it twice.

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Listen, there's something I need to tell you.

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MAN ON RADIO: K-23, there is a suffocation in progress in Sock Shop.

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Come on, love, it's time to go.

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Look, I'll see you soon, yeah?

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K-23, immediate backup required at Sock Shop.

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All right, all right. I've not sat down for half an hour.

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Now, are you sure you can remember what you've got to say to Tilly?

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No worries. Thanks, Bri.

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I reckon this new lie should definitely convince her that I'm sincere.

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TEXT ALERT

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-MOBILE BEEPS

-Oh, it's a text from Phil Collins.

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Blimey.

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Nicki's just been busted.

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-Shit-a-roo.

-KNOCKING

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Ah, the Man From De Mented.

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Moz. A pleasure to see you.

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-Is it?

-I assure you I mean you no harm.

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Thing is, I find your assurance unnerving.

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How is Jenny?

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-Why?

-Why what?

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-Why "How is Jenny?"

-I am asking how she is.

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-Cos you've killed her?

-I haven't killed her.

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Sure?

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I haven't killed her. I haven't seen her. That is why I ask how she is.

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You're trying to scare me.

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I'm not. How is Jenny?

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She's in Glasgow.

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Ah. Good.

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You are trying to scare me.

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I'm not trying to scare you. Stop saying that. You're making me angry.

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-Hi, hi.

-Ah, Brian.

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-Are you ready?

-Yes, indeedy.

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Wow.

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Are you two going on a date?

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-Mm! In't he scrummy?

-Fatally scrummy.

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-See you sooner than soon.

-Goodbye, Moz.

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Don't think you scare me with all that "I'm not trying to scare you" stuff.

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KNOCKING

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Hi. You OK?

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So-so. My probation's a bit up and down.

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Can I come in?

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OK. But for five minutes only. These are my work hours.

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I can't get you out of my head. You're like the catchiest tune ever.

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You're like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang crossed with Crazy Frog.

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Colin, look! For a brief moment, I loved you passionately and deeply.

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But now I don't. What's the big problem?

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But look at me, I'm perfect.

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We split up months ago.

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If you're so amazing, how come no-one else picked you out yet?

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I am keeping myself pure...for you.

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Is that a copy of Busty Teens?

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Um...probably.

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KNOCKING

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-That'll be a client. You have to go.

-OK.

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-I'm...I'm gonna go out this way.

-There is no way out that way. Colin!

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Colin! Come out!

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KNOCKING

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If you interfere, I will never talk to you again.

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HE PANTS

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Jake! I thought you were being sacrificed today.

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-I legged it.

-I didn't think I would see you again.

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Oh. Ha-ha.

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It's for tonight. I took your measurements whilst you were sleeping.

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It's made almost entirely out of tampons and sanitary towels.

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Good. Good, I'm...I'm liking it so far.

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What happens if it rains?

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You know, what...what kind of expansion are we talking about on this bad boy?

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35%?

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Oh. I think I'm gonna have to skip it, thanks.

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But it's so convenient if you spill your drink.

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But it's entirely up to you. After all, you're the artist.

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Listen, Tilly. There's something you need to know before tonight.

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-Before tonight?

-About my...exhibition.

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Uh-huh.

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It...

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Er...it's an art prank.

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I am an art prankstrel.

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What?

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I didn't do those paintings. They were all done by Nicki's three-year-old.

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I've duped the art world and it's all because of my art hoax.

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You mediated your work through the agency of infancy.

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Yeah...I definitely did.

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And you couldn't tell me the truth,

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because that would have rendered the performance inauthentic.

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So inauthentic.

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But now, you know, now that we're a...we're a couple,

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I...I felt I had to tell you.

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Because...because if I hadn't, you know, then I'd have been letting you down,

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and I'd...I'd have been letting myself down.

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And, worst of all, I'd have been letting down my feminine side.

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And she'd have hated that, cos you know how women are.

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-You astonish me.

-Is that the good astonishment, or the bad kind?

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The good kind. You're twice the genius I thought you were.

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-Great.

-You're amazing.

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So are you.

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JAKE: It's so good to see you again.

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CARMEL: It's always nice to see you.

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Have you got that necklace I bought you?

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Yeah... SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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Why? Did...

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did you...want it back?

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Oh, no, no.

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Can I see you wear it?

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OK, sure.

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I love you.

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That's nice.

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I...love this.

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Oh.

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Oh, Carmel. I love you so much.

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-I can't die.

-HE SOBS

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Ah, Turner and Hooch.

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-We're looking for Nicki.

-I'm afraid you're too late.

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Did the Red Mist get her?

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Is her neck hole a selection box?

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Nah. She's been busted.

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The cops just can't go around arresting people.

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We ought to go down the police station, blud.

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Psycho Paul doesn't go down the police station. That much should be obvious.

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Word is, they've also raided her ganja factory.

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Exit Welsh Caesar.

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She's really let us down getting busted like that, hasn't she?

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Yeah, definitely, blud.

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A very selfish woman. Wouldn't you agree?

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Yeah, for real, for real.

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Total bitch.

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Total bitch!

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Somebody's keeping secrets, though, aren't they?

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Er...are they?

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Well, somebody obviously set her up.

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Someone on the inside.

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You can't trust anybody, can you, lads?

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PHONE RINGS

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-MOZ SIGHS

-I've got to get this.

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PHONE RINGS

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PHONE RINGS

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-Hello?

-PC. Listen, are you sitting down?

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-No. Why?

-Sit down.

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-OK. I'm sitting down.

-You're not.

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-I am.

-You're not sitting down. I can tell.

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-Sit down.

-OK, OK. Hang on.

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Ah.

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-OK, you sitting down now?

-Oh, yeah. Much more comfy now.

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You're still not sitting down. Sit down.

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Oh, will you just fuckin' tell us what it is?

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The Red Mist's coming for you.

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I need to sit down.

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You haven't got much time. They're already on their way. Nicki just tipped us off.

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Tipped you off, or tipped them off?

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Feller, she might've just saved your life. Get out of there.

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Christ, what a day.

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Thanks for your words of wisdom in the taxi.

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I don't think I'll ever forget what you said.

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If you ask me, Salford's lost its shine.

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Why don't you come back to Cardiff with me?

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What's the alternative? Stay here and get married?

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You do realise that'll make Nicki your mother-in-law?

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Come to Cardiff, please.

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KNOCKING

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Ah, you must be the Swan Vestas I ordered.

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Good afternoon.

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Would I be speaking to Moz?

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Yeah, you would. And you are...

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People call me the Red King.

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-You may know of me, you may not.

-I have heard talk.

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CLICK This is Callum.

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He does most of the beheading.

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CLICK And this is Heather.

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Heather likes stuffing people's neck holes with chocolate bars.

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Hm. What is it today, Heather?

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Dime bars.

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Ooh. Do a serious damage with a Dime.

0:18:150:18:21

If...if I can stop you just there...

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..I think there's been some misunderstanding, Your Majesty.

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Surely neither of us wants to end up just another red-on-red crime statistic.

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Hm. No-one told me you were one of the blessed.

0:18:360:18:42

Nah, I don't like to flaunt my freckles.

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I'd rather just quietly get on with being a carrot-top.

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And is the basement decorated in the same fashion?

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Oh, yeah.

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ZIP

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Aah!

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As I always say...

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...if the minge ain't ginge,

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I don't impinge.

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Time to turn around, boys and girls.

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I'll be back in ten minutes.

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-Ah...

-Well, well, well.

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Look who it is.

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OTHERS: The Perfect Ginger.

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Perfect Ginger.

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Let the Red Mist descend.

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No.

0:19:420:19:44

-SHE LAUGHS

-No!

0:19:440:19:45

SHE CACKLES

0:19:450:19:49

-Why didn't you tell me about Jake?

-He's a client. What's to tell?

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-A client who loves you.

-So? Let him love me.

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If it makes him happy, and it makes me rich, let him love me.

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Oh, that's it! I...I...

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Oh, OK.

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-I've had enough.

-Colin, please. This is crazy.

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He wants to live because of me, and you want to kill yourself because of me.

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-Well, surely I've trumped him.

-Stop it.

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-I don't want to hear any more trumping.

-I'm gonna throw myself to death.

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And, seriously, it's only the first floor. I don't think you're gonna kill yourself.

0:20:250:20:30

I could do. If I landed wrong. I'm gonna try and land wrong.

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Come back in here now!

0:20:340:20:36

Nobody'll miss me.

0:20:400:20:42

Nobody needs me.

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I'm bloody useless.

0:20:480:20:50

-Uh! Whoa!

-HE GASPS

0:20:520:20:55

-Col, what are you doing?

-Preparing to jump.

0:21:020:21:04

Really? Cos it looks like you're clinging on for dear life to me.

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I've got nothing to live for now.

0:21:080:21:11

It's only one floor down. You're not gonna kill yourself, you berk.

0:21:110:21:13

I could do, if I landed wrong. And I probably am gonna land wrong.

0:21:130:21:18

No, you're not. Look, Col. For God's sake, get back inside.

0:21:180:21:22

You're makin' a nuisance of yourself. You're...

0:21:220:21:24

Like that time you wedged your head in a microwave.

0:21:240:21:27

Yeah, cos that's all I am, innit? A nuisance.

0:21:270:21:30

-And you never really loved me.

-Yes, I did.

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Did you?

0:21:330:21:35

More than anyone I've ever loved before, or since, or during.

0:21:370:21:42

-But you took me for granted.

-Yeah.

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Cos I'm stupid. And that's another reason why I should die.

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Col, Col, Col! Whatever's happened between you two, it's nowt that can't be mended.

0:21:490:21:56

Carmel knows that.

0:21:560:21:58

MOUTHS WORDS

0:21:590:22:01

Moz is... HE MOUTHS

0:22:040:22:07

Moz is right.

0:22:070:22:09

What?

0:22:110:22:13

If you come inside, we can talk about the future of our relationship.

0:22:130:22:20

Brilliant.

0:22:200:22:22

-You and me together forever, hey?

-Uh...

0:22:280:22:32

You...you've made me realise all that really matters is love and happiness.

0:22:360:22:42

God, that's shallow.

0:22:420:22:45

FOOTSTEPS

0:22:470:22:50

No! Jake!

0:22:520:22:55

Why does everybody want to be Peter Pan?

0:22:550:22:57

Bye, then.

0:23:000:23:03

CRASH Jake!

0:23:030:23:05

Jake, are you OK?

0:23:050:23:07

Oh...

0:23:070:23:09

Jake!

0:23:090:23:11

-I think he landed wrong.

-CARMEL SOBS

0:23:120:23:17

The Perfect Ginger is dead.

0:23:210:23:24

All is well for another year.

0:23:240:23:26

It was a fully functioning abattoir that was made entirely of meat.

0:23:340:23:38

-Oh, I'm in love.

-DOORBELL BUZZES

0:23:380:23:42

I wore one of your burning hats last night. Quite exciting.

0:23:420:23:47

Moz, hi.

0:23:490:23:51

You all psyched up for your private view?

0:23:510:23:53

Yeah, course.

0:23:530:23:56

Listen, I'm just gonna go snort two or three lines. Join me?

0:23:560:23:59

No, ta.

0:23:590:24:01

Listen, I've realised something.

0:24:050:24:07

I can't be with you if I'm not gonna be 100% honest.

0:24:080:24:12

And to be honest, I've not been 100% honest.

0:24:120:24:15

You know how I didn't paint those paintings?

0:24:150:24:18

Yeah?

0:24:180:24:19

Well, I didn't have the idea to turn it into an art prank either.

0:24:190:24:22

Cos I'm not an art prankstrel.

0:24:220:24:25

It were Brian's idea.

0:24:250:24:27

I let you believe I was an artist, because it seemed to make you like me more.

0:24:270:24:32

And I wanted you to like me.

0:24:320:24:35

I wanted you to love me, because I love you.

0:24:350:24:38

But it's wrong to trick someone into loving you.

0:24:390:24:43

Moz, I'm not an idiot. I figured it out.

0:24:450:24:47

How did I give myself away?

0:24:490:24:51

Well, you kept referring to your art as being contraceptual.

0:24:510:24:54

But this is my fault.

0:24:540:24:56

I got overenthusiastic about the idea of you being an unrecognised talent.

0:24:560:25:02

But ultimately I fell in love with the real you.

0:25:020:25:05

Come for the genius, stay for the idiot?

0:25:050:25:09

Yeah.

0:25:090:25:11

Whatever happens with the exhibition, that's up to Warren.

0:25:130:25:17

But I want you to know, anything you do is fine with me.

0:25:170:25:20

Really?

0:25:200:25:22

Why?

0:25:240:25:25

# Because you blow my mind

0:25:250:25:29

# Blow my mind

0:25:290:25:31

-# Because you blow my mind

-# Blow my mind

0:25:310:25:36

# And the way you're talking Baby, you're so cool

0:25:360:25:42

# I'll do anything for you...

0:25:420:25:47

# Unbelievable

0:26:100:26:12

# Ooh, it's such a rush

0:26:120:26:16

# So incredible

0:26:160:26:18

# Boy, you make me blush

0:26:180:26:21

# Just keep doing it Throw me into space

0:26:210:26:27

# And I'll be floating there for days

0:26:270:26:33

# Because you blow my mind Blow my mind

0:26:370:26:42

# Because you blow my mind # Blow my mind

0:26:420:26:48

# Because you blow my mind # Blow my mind

0:26:480:26:53

# Because you blow my mind

0:26:530:26:58

# Blow my mind... #

0:26:580:26:59

Sorry.

0:27:060:27:08

I did it for you, Plastic Face. I did it for you. HE GURGLES

0:27:130:27:18

Cartoon Head? Cartoon Head, can you hear me?

0:27:180:27:21

Hello? We need an ambulance, please. 23 St Stephen's Road, Salford.

0:27:210:27:24

-There's been a shooting.

-It's not looking good.

0:27:240:27:26

You're telling me. My God,

0:27:260:27:30

what did you do to your hair? It looks awful!

0:27:300:27:32

It was a matter of life and death.

0:27:320:27:34

But have you no aesthetic sense whatsoever?

0:27:340:27:37

You said anything I do was all right by you.

0:27:370:27:40

Oh, there are limits.

0:27:400:27:43

-Let me know if the ambulance doesn't show up.

-Don't die, CH.

0:27:460:27:50

Please.

0:27:500:27:51

Have I just been dumped?

0:27:530:27:55

# Bad dream, bad dream Bad dream, bad dream

0:27:550:27:59

# Bad dream, bad dream Bad dream, bad dream

0:27:590:28:04

# Bad dream, bad dream Bad dream, bad dream... #

0:28:040:28:09

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0:28:260:28:30

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0:28:300:28:33

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