Episode 3 Just a Minute

Welcome to Just a Minute!

MUSIC: "Waltz in D flat major, Op. 64, No. 1" by Chopin

Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Oh, thank you!

Thank you, thank you!

Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons.

And as the Minute Waltz fades away, it is my great pleasure

to welcome you to this special edition of Just A Minute

from BBC Television Centre.

After 45 years of entertaining via the radio

we thought it was about time to perform for your viewing pleasure.

Without further ado, please welcome to the show four talented

and delightful performers and they are, seated on my right,

Paul Merton and Sue Perkins and seated on my left,

Ruth Jones and Marcus Brigstocke. Please welcome all four of them!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The players will try to speak for just a minute on a subject I give.

They must try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

The other three panellists can challenge at any time,

and if I uphold the challenge they gain a point and take the subject.

If not, the person speaking gains a point and keeps the subject.

We go on like that until the whistle goes.

And, by the way, they can repeat the subject on the card.

Paul, the subject here is Common Misconceptions.

60 seconds as usual, starting now.

Humphrey Bogart in Play it Again Sam, which wasn't the name of the film, it was Casablanca.

He never said those words, in fact. That's a Common Misconception.

"School days are the happiest of your life",

is something people often say as well,

as if somehow the misery of being in some educational establishment

where your name may be construed by other students

who turn it into some... BUZZER

-Ruth challenged.

-How does one construe or misconstrue a name?

I dunno. AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-This has got very metaphysical very quickly!

-I know.

-What's your challenge?

-What's your challenge, darling?

That what you propose is actually impossible.

LAUGHTER

I'd better shut up for the rest of the show then, hadn't I?

Ruth, as you've never played the game before,

I'm going to be generous and give you the benefit of the doubt

and give a correct challenge.

You have a point for that and it's Common Misconceptions.

40 seconds still available, starting now.

There's a very Common Misconception in my household

and that is that I can do housework.

It's not something that I'm particularly allergic to,

it's just that I don't ever want to do it,

so what I tend to do is try and get

other people in my household to do it.

-BUZZER

-Repetition of "household".

-Yes.

-Like a second home owner.

-And also, "do". Yes, right.

So, Marcus, a correct challenge. You take over the subject. You get a point for that.

Common Misconceptions, starting now.

John McCririck, the racing commentator, is both common

and was misconceived.

LAUGHTER I don't like him.

This is a misconception that people have.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As I said earlier, that whistle tells us 60 seconds have elapsed

and whoever is speaking then gets an extra point

and it was Marcus Brigstocke,

who's naturally in the lead.

-Marcus, we'd like you to begin the next round.

-OK.

And the subject is Night School.

Can anyone tell us about Night School in this game, starting now.

I am very glad to have this subject

because I actually went to Knight School with Sir Galahad.

And it was there that I was first shown how to put on armour

and charge around the country on behalf of King Arthur

in a search for the Holy Grail.

Knight School is an enjoyable place if you have a lance and a pony.

And other than that, I would say that it's mainly

filled up with very lonely people, trying to meet other...

-BUZZER

-Sue, you've challenged.

-Repetition of "very".

-Yes.

-Yes.

Very, very.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-So, correct challenge.

33 seconds. Tell us about Night School in this game, starting now.

Marcus's Knight School isn't so interesting if you're a lady.

You have to hang around like Guinevere and grow your hair,

sometimes wear a pointy hat and wait on a turret

for a man to come and rescue you, preferably with a white charger.

Now, when I see said beautiful albino pony coming towards me,

-I know that safety is at hand. I will once again be able to...

-BUZZER

-Paul, challenge.

-Have we strayed a little way from Night School?

LAUGHTER

-A major stray from it.

-Yes. Yes.

-Nowhere near Night School as far as I was concerned.

I was on a turret, overlooking Night School!

-LAUGHTER

-You didn't establish that night was the night beginning with a "k".

LAUGHTER

-Don't be strict with me, Nicholas.

-I'm not strict, darling.

-Keep the love alive!

-LAUGHTER

-Not another one, Nicholas.

-Yes, yes.

-LAUGHTER

-Over 45 years, no-one's been safe.

-Girl in every port.

On every show.

-Right.

-LAUGHTER

Oh. Paul, correct challenge.

You have Night School, 14 seconds, starting now.

I never attended Night School.

I suppose I went to some evening classes round about 1980.

There were acting lessons taught at Sutton Library

by this gentleman who sold fridges during the day.

And I went along and I didn't really pick up a great deal.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So Paul Merton, speaking while the whistle went, gained an extra point.

He's moved forward and he's in second place but it's early days, isn't it?

-Sue Perkins.

-Yes.

-Will you begin the next round? The subject, Whodunnit?

Tell us something about Whodunnit in this game, starting now.

The word "whodunnit"

refers to a plot-heavy crime thriller

that reached its peak in the 1920s.

It's quintessentially a British genre

and I would say its greatest exponent is Agatha Christie,

who pioneered the use of the locked room.

There is essentially a space that no-one can get in or out of,

in which she piled it high with stock characters

such as the American industrial magnate, the young floozy,

-the ingenue, the virginal young boy who was yet...

-BUZZER

Oh, yes, Marcus.

-Repetition of "young".

-There was two "young", yes.

-AUDIENCE GROANS Very good, though.

-Thank you.

-Very enjoyable.

-Very good!

Sorry! LAUGHTER

-You've spoilt it for everyone.

-I know.

-We were enjoying that.

It's a game. LAUGHTER

And, Marcus, you had a correct challenge and you've got 26 seconds.

Tell us about Whodunnit, starting now.

When I was growing up, the question of Whodunnit

was normally answered by my father, who'd say, "It was the dog."

Everybody would move away from the dog and towards...

-BUZZER

-Oh yes, of course.

-The "dog", twice.

-Double dog.

-Sue, you challenged first.

-Repetition of "dog".

Yes, the dog came in twice. Sue, you have the dog. No, you don't.

-You have Whodunnit.

-LAUGHTER

I'll have whatever you give me, Nicholas.

18 seconds, Sue, starting now.

There are great Whodunnit writers, Dorothy L Sayers, Ruth Rendell.

I've mentioned, obviously, the most famous,

whose creation, Hercule Poirot, the moustached Belgian,

remains foremost in our minds when we think of a person

-most likely to detect a crime.

-BUZZER

-Paul, you want in.

-I disagree. I'd say Sherlock Holmes.

LAUGHTER

He comes to mind before Hercule Poirot.

Matter of opinion, of course.

-Or Brian Paddick, as well.

-Yes.

-Poirot, Paddick, Holmes.

-They're all very much of a type.

-I know.

And Paul, you've got in with one second to go.

AUDIENCE GROANS

I'm sorry, I withdraw my challenge. LAUGHTER

-It's a matter of opinion, who you think is the best.

-It is.

And she has an incorrect challenge and as I said before,

one second to go, starting now.

-Miss Marple would be furious because she thinks she's the best detective.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Sue Perkins was speaking as the whistle went, gaining the extra point.

And at the end of that round, she's taken the lead, one ahead of Paul.

Paul, I'm sure this has been chosen for you cos you did a programme about it.

Ibiza. Tell us something about that place in this game, starting now.

You're quite right.

It was the subject of a travelogue I did this year. Ibiza's where I went.

The great island paradise that people sometimes see as the ultimate party destination,

but when you see beyond the clubs that are there,

you realise it's a beautiful island full of history... BUZZER

-Sue, challenge.

-Repetition of "island".

-Yes.

-Oh yes, of course.

Sue, you were listening well.

You got in with 45 seconds to go on Ibiza, starting now.

Last time I went to Ibiza, Paul Merton was there making a documentary.

He was dressed scantily in Lycra,

doing a seemingly sexual dance which involved...

-BUZZER

-Ruth challenged.

I think that is quite disturbing for the audience.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That actual image.

It was actually nothing disturbing about seeing Paul

-at full tilt on the dance floor.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I saw the programme, I don't think he ever wore Lycra.

No. It was worse than that! LAUGHTER

-This was in his spare time.

-Ruth, we give you the benefit of the doubt.

You have 37 seconds on Ibiza, starting now.

I went to Ibiza when I was four years of age.

It was the first holiday that I ever was taken on by my parents,

who also had two boys that they took with them,

who were my brothers, and also a sister,

who was not yet born, but she was inside my mother's belly...

-BUZZER

-Sue's challenged.

I thought repetition of "mother" but I'm wrong.

Um, I think yes, it might have been a repetition of "mother".

-Yes. She said she went with her mother.

-A crisis of confidence.

I've overcome it now. Repetition of "mother"!

She mentioned "mother" twice. Sue, you were listening well.

You've got in with 21 seconds on Ibiza, starting now.

I've actually never been to Ibiza, truth be told.

It...strikes fear into my heart because...

-BUZZER

-Ruth challenged.

-Hesitation.

-A little bit of hesitation.

-Yeah.

Ruth, you had a correct challenge so you have the subject of Ibiza.

17 seconds, still, starting now.

Ibiza is surrounded by water, as is the case with many islands.

And in fact, you can jump off all sorts of sides of the island,

especially in Ibiza.

-BUZZER

-Marcus challenge.

-Repetition of island.

-Yes, again!

I thought wasn't it islands and island? Plural and single.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Yes, you're right.

-LAUGHTER

-It was intentional.

-LAUGHTER

-So, Marcus, an incorrect challenge.

-Yes.

So Ruth Jones has another point and she's still got the subject

and she's eight seconds still to go on Ibiza, starting now.

In Ibiza you can buy the most delicious chocolate ice-cream.

-I don't know why it is so different from other glasses or types of...

-BUZZER

-Marcus challenged.

-Even in French, that's glace!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So deviation from any recognised language.

LAUGHTER

Searching for a way to say ice-cream, wanting to say glace

but Marcus, you've cleverly got in with one second to go.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-You've won no friends in this audience.

-LAUGHTER

But you've got the subject and another point, of course,

and you have one second.

-Ibiza, starting now.

-I've been to Pacha, I was much too old for it.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Marcus Brigstocke was speaking when the whistle went.

He's moved forward, he's equal with Paul Merton in second place.

They're behind Sue Perkins, who's in the lead.

Marcus will begin the next round.

-The subject is Chat Up Lines.

-Oh, 'ello.

I'm sure you have many for us. 60 seconds, as usual, starting now.

I've never really been smooth enough to pull off the chat up line,

but I have been studying one of the great masters

and that is, of course, Mr Nicholas Parsons,

who just before we began playing this evening

turned to the panellist sitting immediately to my right and said, "Was your father a thief?"

At which point, Ruth punched him immediately in the face

-and Nicholas lay on the floor...

-BUZZER

-Paul.

-Sadly, repetition of Nicholas.

-Hmm.

Nothing sad about that. The world needs more of them.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I'm quite enjoying it. Yes. But it wasn't true, of course.

She didn't punch me! She wouldn't punch somebody.

I was telling her how glorious she looked!

I wasn't chancing my arm, don't misunderstand me.

You're a silver fox!

I've reached the age where you can do a provocative chat up line and they know you're no threat!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Right, Paul, you had a correct challenge.

-Oh, do I? Right.

Chat Up Lines. 39 seconds, starting now.

"Is that a demob suit you're wearing?"

would be the ultimate anti- chat up line, because it wouldn't impress anybody.

Ise wasn't mm-...a bit like Marcus... BUZZER

-You said, "Ise wasn't."

-Sorry, yes.

-You hesitated.

-Sorry, yes.

I'm working class. I do apologise. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm awfully sorry.

I don't think it matters what class you are, I think it's bad grammar.

It is, isn't it?

Ruth has a correct challenge and she has 32 seconds on Chat Up Lines, Ruth, starting now.

The worst chat up line I ever heard was when somebody said to me,

"Do you want to get out of those wet clothes?"

BUZZER

-Sue challenged.

-Hesitation!

-SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Darling, will you explain to me, what was that about?

-Well, it's...

That's hot stuff, Nicholas. Like, tsss. Ooh!

-I thought that was them wetting the clothes!

-It was! It was!

I think it was a ghastly chat up line.

Sue, you challenged and correctly so 25 seconds, Chat Up Lines,

starting now.

The worst chat up line was given to me by a ten-year-old boy in Paisley after a show.

-It is so disgusting I can't possibly allow it for broadcast.

-BUZZER

-Ruth challenged.

-Paisley is a lovely pattern

and I think you're incorrect for saying that it's disgusting.

But Paisley, Glasgow, which is also a lovely place,

-they have ten-year-old boys with potty mouths.

-Write it down!

I do think she was referring to the area up on the west coast,

-near Glasgow of Paisley.

-I stand corrected.

And so an incorrect challenge. Sue, you have the subject, still.

-What are you writing down?

-PAUL LAUGHS

-He was ten years old?

-Ten years old!

-HE LAUGHS HEARTILY

LAUGHTER

-You're keeping that for future use?

-BOTH: Yes!

LAUGHTER

-Ruth, it was an incorrect challenge.

-I apologise.

Sue, you still have the subject and you have 17 seconds on Chat Up Lines, starting now.

Are there still men around who go to young women

saying things like, "Do you like your eggs fertilized or unfertilized in the morning?"

-BUZZER

-Who's challenged? Ruth.

-Repetition of the word "like".

-Do you like your eggs fertilized...

-Saying things like... Do you like?

-Two likes.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Couple of likes.

She's never played the game before. Another point to you, Ruth.

You have the subject and there are ten seconds, still. Chat Up Lines, starting now.

Chatting someone up is a very difficult thing to do because...

-BUZZER

-Marcus, challenge.

-No, it's not.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Tsssst.

But Marcus, we enjoyed your interruption so much we give you a bonus point for that.

-But Ruth was interrupted.

-And the disrespect of womankind for ever!

LAUGHTER

-It's worth it for the bonus point.

-Yes, of course.

That's what it's all about, isn't it? The fun we have. Right.

Ruth, it was an incorrect challenge. You have another point

and you still have seven seconds on Chat Up Lines, starting now.

Meeting someone for the first time can be daunting

and one has to think of something suitable to say that will...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So Ruth Jones was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point.

And you'll be pleased and surprised to hear she's moved forward.

-She's in the lead with Sue Perkins.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marcus Brigstocke and Paul Merton are equal in second place.

Ruth, it's your turn to begin. The subject is the art of fencing.

60 seconds, as usual, starting now.

Putting up a fence in one's garden can be very difficult

because if you don't get the height correct,

then your fence will look rather strange.

-It will fall down, it will look uneven.

-Sue, challenge.

-BUZZER

Repetition of "it will" fall down, "it will" look uneven.

Sue, you got in with 49 seconds to go on the Art of Fencing,

starting now.

The trick with the Art of Fencing is to not make your opponent laugh,

seeing as you are dressed as a cross between a beekeeper and a mummy.

Parrying and lunging may look incredibly debonair

but ultimately, you've got a knitting needle in one hand

and a teapot arm on the other.

It doesn't strike fear into the heart of someone who may wish

to enter into a bout with you.

Instead, they're more than likely to be reduced to a flood of tears

and hysterical laughter.

Instead, I suggest, try a cannon.

Much more powerful at close range, plus you don't need the precision.

However, fencing we're discussing and so we must focus on specifics

which, luckily, I am very well versed in,

because I am Croydon's premier fencer.

How I love to grab that foil, as I believe it's called...

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sue Perkins took the subject after only a few seconds and went

-magnificently to the whistle and gained only one point for doing so.

-LAUGHTER

But Sue, you have gone into the lead now, two ahead of Ruth Jones

and you're three or four ahead of Marcus Brigstocke and Paul Merton.

And we've now got a subject...

I'm really embarrassed about this subject they've given me.

-The subject is Nicholas Parsons.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sue Perkins, it's your turn to begin.

Off you go on Nicholas Parsons... Oh, I don't mean that!

LAUGHTER

-It's like Christmas.

-On the subject of Nicholas Parsons.

60 seconds starting now.

Nicholas Parsons was born before records began,

but we do know he was friends with Methuselah.

Aged 24, he struck a deal with Mephistopheles

-so that he would never age.

-BUZZER

Did you say Methistopheles or Mephistopheles?

Mephistopheles, Mephistopheles.

I think you said meth.

I don't think we get quite as pernickety as that, darling.

-One is desperate sometimes.

-Yes, I know.

You could've had her for deviation. I wasn't around when Mephistopheles was, I assure you.

Nobody's doubting that, it's the pronunciation they're worried about. LAUGHTER

Your challenge was incorrect. Sue has another point.

47 seconds to speak about Nicholas Parsons, starting now.

Nicholas Parsons invented show business in 1847

and pioneered the use of the cravat, which he still sports,

although he pairs it sometimes with a lovely polka dot tie.

There is nothing so erotic as the sight of Nicholas Parsons...

CONTINUOUS BUZZER

LAUGHTER

Intervention! Intervention!

-I've done it again.

-Oh, Paul.

-There are limits, aren't there?

Yes, I'm afraid... I have to admit, I don't think I'm erotic.

-You'll never know.

-I'm neurotic, yes. Paul, I have to agree.

You have a correct challenge and you have 31 seconds.

Tell us something about Nicholas Parsons starting now.

His career began back in the 1940s in radio on a show called

Much Bind In The Marsh, and I heard one of those particular

episodes on Radio 4 Extra only the other Sunday.

-BUZZER

-Repetition of "radio".

-Of course.

I was trying to avoid BBC, repetition of B.

Marcus, a correct challenge. You got in on the subject of Nicholas Parsons.

There's 22 seconds available, starting now.

I'm at something of a disadvantage on this subject,

because I've never heard of this Nicholas Parsons character.

-BUZZER

-Sue.

-Deviation from sense!

Everybody's heard of Nicholas Parsons!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's worthy of a bonus point.

I'm not going to give it to you out of conceit

and say that you deserve that but of the fact that I'm on the show.

You say you haven't heard of Nicholas Parsons and you're on a show with him.

-Do you know him?

-LAUGHTER

I thought... You're Nicholas Parsons?!

-THE Nicholas Parsons?

-I thought you were a mythical creature!

What do I say now, eh? Marcus, we enjoyed your interruption.

-You get a bonus point.

-No, I was speaking.

LAUGHTER

It was Sue interrupting me. But I enjoyed her interruption.

So, I...

No, Sue gets a point because she was interrupted, takes over the subject.

-You get a bonus point for humour.

-Splendid, good. Yes.

-Who gets the subject?

-LAUGHTER

You do! 15 seconds to go, starting now.

There is nothing greater than Nicholas Parsons. He is the show...

-..leader...

-BUZZER

Didn't we have show business before? Show business is one word, though.

Is it one word?

-Is show business one word?

-I'm going to assume it's two words.

-Yes, do.

And say Paul has the benefit of the doubt.

And if I get lots of letters,

-I don't think I'll bother to reply to them!

-LAUGHTER

There's ten seconds to go, Paul. Nicholas Parsons, starting now.

Nicholas Parsons is someone I've known since roughly 1987

and what a magnificent creature he is.

We first met on a TV programme being made in Liverpool called Scruples.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point,

but he's still in third place.

It's very close, actually. One point separates them all.

In ascending order, it's Marcus Brigstocke, Paul Merton, Ruth Jones and Sue Perkins.

-BELL RINGS Come in.

-Isn't that charming?

That bell tells us not that they're bringing ice-cream round

but it tells us we only have time for one more round.

-ALL: Aah.

-I expected more reaction than that!

LAUGHTER

Anyway, we have one more round to go and Marcus, it's your turn to begin.

The subject now, that's an interesting one,

My Bucket List.

60 seconds, starting now.

I have a bucket list

and it includes a red bucket, a blue one,

two green and one that I call Daisy that has... BUZZER

-Ruth has challenged.

-Repetition of "one".

-Yes, true.

That's true.

Ruth, you've gone in cleverly with 52 seconds to go

on My Bucket List, starting now.

My Bucket List is a film

about two men who decide what they would like to do before they die.

An item on the list of one of the men who appears on the film...

-BUZZER

-Sue.

-Two "men".

-Ah.

-Yes. Too many men in your life, darling.

-Too many men.

-Sue, correct challenge.

You have the subject, My Bucket List. 40 seconds, starting now.

Were I to be presented with the possibility of death,

which I'm still hoping to elude thanks to my magical elixir,

yours for only £15.99...

-BUZZER

-Marcus, challenge.

What? LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Deviation! This is the BBC! You can't advertise!

-Not even an elixir of youth?

-Not even an elixir of youth.

The closest the BBC gets to advertising is wasting £8 million teaching hippos to dance.

LAUGHTER

I don't believe there's any elixir which will give you

-everlasting life.

-I said I'm working on it.

I'm not there yet.

To be fair, if anyone knows whether there's an elixir to give

everlasting life, it is Nicholas Parsons!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The benefit of the doubt to you again,

and you have My Bucket List, 32 seconds, starting now.

On My Bucket List is a strong desire to go down the Cresta Run

on one of those trays that they use for bobsledding

and leaning into every turn and corner.

It would be tremendously exciting and probably kill me,

-so it would necessitate the...

-Sue, challenge.

-Hesitation?

-There was a slight one, yes.

-Slight one. So, you have the subject back again, Sue.

19 seconds, My Bucket List, starting now.

I would bungee jump off a bridge in Sydney,

attempt the world 100 metres record.

-I would breed llamas...

-BUZZER

-Marcus, challenge.

-I wouldn't normally,

but it's the last round and I know I'm last and you repeated I would.

-I did.

-Yes, you did, indeed. So, Marcus, 11 seconds,

My Bucket List, starting now.

On My Bucket List would be the chance

to improve my position on the programme Just A Minute.

That is pretty much all I wish for between now

and death which will probably come when the pinger goes...

BUZZER

-Paul, challenge.

-I don't think it's a pinger!

No, it is a whistle, and it has been for 45 years!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They're not pingers, either, they're buzzers.

These are buzzers. What is a pinger?

It's the opposite of a ponger!

No, I think a pinger is the thing that tells you

when the oven is finished cooking.

-Or your flight's been called.

-Anybody else got any suggestions?

LAUGHTER

Paul, it was a correct challenge and you've got in with half a second to go.

It won't make a lot of difference to the final situation,

but it would be lovely to hear from you on My Bucket List, starting now.

BUZZER

-Marcus, challenge.

-Given the time available, only half a second,

I reckon hesitation.

RUTH: You both went in the same time.

I think he should have gone really quickly.

-I think he couldn't go any quicker!

-Really?

-The benefit of the doubt to you on this occasion, Paul.

-Another point?

Another point. And there is a quarter of a second, starting now!

HE SPEAKS RAPIDLY

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Marcus Brigstocke and Paul Merton are equal in third place.

Out in the lead was Ruth Jones who's never played the game before,

-in second place. Congratulations. Very well done.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

The one with the most points, she's the winner, that is Sue Perkins!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It only remains for me

to say thank you to these four fine players of the game.

So it's goodbye from the delightful audience at Television Centre,

goodbye from me, Nicholas Parsons, goodbye from the panel up here.

Do join us again the next time we take to your screens

and we play Just A Minute!

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