Episode 4 Just a Minute

Welcome to Just A Minute!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Minute Waltz" by Frederic Chopin

Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons.

And, as the Minute Waltz fades away,

it's my great pleasure to welcome you to this special edition

of Just A Minute from BBC Television Centre.

We found our way onto your television screens to celebrate

the 45th year of radio triumph. So, without further ado,

please welcome the four talented, exceptional performers who,

this day, are going to play Just A Minute. They are, on my right,

Paul Merton and Liza Tarbuck.

And on my left, Miles Jupp and Gyles Brandreth.

Please welcome all four of them!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The players will try to speak for just a minute

on a subject I give them and they will try do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

The other three can challenge at any time. If I uphold the challenge,

they gain a point and take over the subject.

If not, the person speaking gains a point

and continues with the subject. By the way,

they can repeat the subject which is on the card in front of me.

Paul, the subject here is

Double Acts. I know you love music hall and everything about that,

but can you tell us something about that subject in this game,

-60 seconds as usual, starting now.

-I think one of my proudest nights

in show business occurred here at Television Centre,

perhaps two years ago, when I was very lucky to present

a programme about Morecambe And Wise,

who are, undoubtedly for many of us, the greatest double act that ever lived.

And the audience's appreciation of Eric and Ernie that night

was phenomenal. As I said the goodbyes at the end of the show,

they rose as one and clapped and applauded, and the warmth

of that particular noise they were making was clearly not for me

but it was for the two M and W people I mentioned earlier.

-BUZZER

-Gyles has challenged.

-Repetition of "two".

-Yes, there's two there!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Are we haunted?

LAUGHTER

You struggled so well to change and find different words

to express the same thing. Gyles, it was 32 seconds, 28 seconds left.

You have a correct challenge, you gain a point for that.

Double Acts, starting now.

I'm turning my mind to romantic double acts,

thinking of Abelard and Heloise, Romeo, Juliet, Antony, Cleopatra,

Andy Pandy, Looby Lou,

and more recently, Kermit The Frog and Miss Piggy,

the erotic charge when characters like this come together

and consummate their union...

-BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

Are you saying Andy Pandy...and Looby Lou consummated their union?

Oh, yes!

-What's Teddy doing round the back, making a cup of tea?

-Teddy took the photographs!

LAUGHTER

-That's how I know.

-It's a scandal.

I think, in the literal interpretation of the words he used,

-you are perfectly correct, Paul.

-Yes.

-A correct challenge,

and you have 12 seconds on Double Acts, starting now.

David Cameron and the leader of the Liberal Party's name nobody can remember,

are currently forming a double act which is known as the coalition

which is running this country, even as I speak.

Would it be possible for us to look at a past...

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I didn't know what I was going to say after that!

60 seconds have elapsed and whoever was speaking then

gains that extra point and it was Paul Merton.

You won't be surprised to know he is in the lead at the end of that round.

Miles Jupp, will you begin the next round and the subject is

Bowling A Maiden Over. 60 seconds as usual, starting now.

Bowling a maiden over is a specific cricket term

which does not apply to the act of throwing a ball

so that it actually fells a lady, nor does it refer to the idea of actually delivering...

-BUZZER

-Gyles challenged.

-Repetition of "actually".

-Actually, yes.

Harsh challenge.

Little ungentlemanly, I thought, Gyles.

LAUGHTER

I agree, not quite cricket!

LAUGHTER

-Gyles, a correct challenge.

-How many seconds did I manage?

-11 seconds.

-11, that's a cricketing number, I'm happy with that.

Gyles, you've got 49 seconds

on Bowling A Maiden Over, starting now.

When I was a member of the House Of Commons cricket team,

Ann Widdecombe, that interesting cross between Danny DeVito and Margaret Rutherford,

was a wicketkeeper.

I'm proud to say that I actually successfully bowled this maiden over,

she fell splat, and that wonderful, amusing, slightly lopsided bosom

of hers lay upon the ground.

And my ball landed right between the crevice.

It was an exciting moment for both of us.

Not since Anton had swept her off her feet,

taken her over his shoulder, up to the green room,

had I had such an exciting moment with a beautiful lady, as it was...

-BUZZER

-Miles challenged.

Er, deviation, I think...

No, I didn't get that far.

LAUGHTER

It crossed my mind but I held back.

I imagine it was very high on your to-do list, Gyles.

When you say "since Anton", that is more recent

that Anton was sweeping her around

than you, I believe, held a place in the House Of Commons, which is when I was a teenager or younger.

AUDIENCE: Ohhh...

APPLAUSE

Can I say, that's my kind of challenge and I rather admire it!

I've been looking at you, thinking, "Could you be my love child?"

LAUGHTER

I mean, you sound like me, you look like me

and now you think like me. Give him the point!

APPLAUSE

Get yourself a good lawyer!

Gyles, I was going to give him a point anyway,

I don't think you should now run the show as well as take part in it.

I won't say another word, I'll sit back and watch my boy having a good time!

LAUGHTER

-So, Miles...

-I don't think it's fair to expect me to speak,

I'm very flustered.

Miles, you only have 14 seconds available.

You've got a point, of course.

Bowling A Maiden Over, starting now.

It used to be the case that bowling a maiden over required skill alone.

Now, of course, you can ring someone you know in the team and demand

that they bowl a bowden...a maiden over.

BUZZER, AUDIENCE GROANS

A bit of a slip over the words, sadly.

-There was hesitation.

-I didn't think there was, it was fluent, eloquent,

extraordinary panache he's speaking with.

-Fabulous.

-Who will you adopt in the next round?

A correct challenge, Paul, you have a point for that,

you have five seconds still available. Bowling A Maiden Over, starting now.

Although I never played cricket at school, I soon became a fan.

I remember seeing the Oval for the first time...

WHISTLE BLOWS Ooh, that was close.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point.

-And Liza, we'd like you to begin the next round.

-OK!

This subject can be taken more than one way,

I'm a bit nervous about it. Cobblers.

So will you talk on the subject of Cobblers, 60 seconds, starting now.

There's nothing I like better than a man with a couple of skills.

One of them I'm a fan of is, of course, cobbling.

Up by me, in the Arsenal area of London,

and I did move there for the gag,

there's a cobbler's who provides me with such glorious services

that he has my undying love forever.

Last year, he lengthened the strap on my handbag

and has made what was quite an unusual form of carrying stuff in, a papoose-type thing,

which, incidentally, I bought in Lisbon, just to be flash.

He made...

-Oh, I said "he made, made..."

-BUZZER

-Gyles has challenged.

-Hesitation.

-Yes, but only cos she repeated something.

-Darling, you shouldn't have let them know.

-I know,

but my mind went into some sort of '60s dream sequence.

You carried us with you! Gyles, a correct challenge

so you have the subject of Cobblers, 23 seconds, starting now.

As Miles could probably tell you, our family comes from

Accrington in Lancashire, where in that part of the world...

-BUZZER

-Miles challenged.

I have no connections to the North of England.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Proved my point, I was talking cobblers!

LAUGHTER

Oh, you'd wriggle on anything!

LIZA LAUGHS LOUDLY

Miles, a correct challenge, well listened and a lovely interruption too.

And you have the subject of Cobblers,

18 seconds are still available, starting now.

Cobblers is the nickname of the football team in Northampton

because that is a town that is associated with the art of shoemaking.

I was there doing a play once, and bought myself a spectacular pair

of Henry Boots, which as you know, are a kind of elasticated Henry, Gyles...

-BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

Repetition of "Henry".

You shouldn't play to your father-in-law there!

LAUGHTER

Er, correct challenge, Henry.

Three seconds on Cobblers, Paul, starting now.

I watched a programme the other day about shoemaking, it was called Ultimate Cobblers

and it was the first person... WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point. He's now in the lead,

just ahead of Gyles Brandreth,

Miles Jupp and Liza Tarbuck, in that order.

Gyles, we're back with you to begin. A nice historical question here.

The Wives Of Henry VIII. Tell us something about them,

-starting now.

-This really is quite a challenge,

because I recall that King Henry VIII had six wives

but repetition was certainly involved

because at least two of them had the same name.

Catherine cannot now be repeated, unless I call her Kate, ha ha!

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You needn't look like that, Gyles, we all know the challenge.

Repetition of "ha, ha!"

Ha...ha!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

One was spelt H-U-H and the other, U-H.

-Will I agree, no...

-But it sounded exactly the same.

If it was my boy who interrupted, then well done him!

-It was Paul Merton.

-Oh...

I'm afraid I've never been formally recognised by Gyles.

LAUGHTER

He'll claim parentage to anybody to get a point!

So, "ha ha"... So, Paul, a correct challenge

and you have The Wives Of Henry VIII.

-There are 45 seconds, starting now.

-The wives of Henry VIII,

let's go through them one by individual.

There was, of course, Catherine Of Aragon.

I think, as the name suggests, she was probably from somewhere in Spain.

And then, who should come next along the line, it was none other than Anne Boleyn.

Famously, she didn't have a complete set of fingers and thumbs or was it one too many...

-BUZZER I've said "one" three times.

-Liza challenged.

-You're thinking of Queen Elizabeth, with the extra finger?

-Didn't Anne Boleyn have an extra one?

-Anne Boleyn had an extra one.

-An extra finger.

-Extra little finger.

Like Jake The Peg.

-LAUGHTER

-Did she?

-Yeah, we wouldn't be talking about it otherwise.

LAUGHTER

So have you got a challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

I thought it was deviation, which it is, strictly speaking...

-I'll have to pass, won't I?

-You'll have to pass,

Paul has another point and 25 seconds to continue

on The Wives Of Henry VIII, starting now.

I remember very well the television programme that was made

in the early 1970s, perhaps with Keith Michell as King Henry VIII.

And what a magnificent performance it was. Each one of his wives,

throughout the entire six episodes, had a programme devoted to themselves.

I think we've already talked about the first two which gives me

the opportunity to mention three, four, five and six.

BUZZER

-Liza, you challenged.

-Repetition of "six".

-Yes, you're right. Absolutely, absolutely.

-Well done.

APPLAUSE

Well listened, Liza, and you've cleverly got in

with one second to go!

Lord!

APPLAUSE

After I went through all that rubbish for no reason at all!

You worked hard all the way through and Liza's got in,

one second, The Wives Of Henry VIII, Liza, starting now.

-At Hampton Court...

-WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So Liza Tarbuck was speaking when the whistle went, gained an extra point.

She's moved forward, she's equal in points with Miles Jupp,

in third place, but only one point behind Gyles Brandreth,

two or three behind Paul Merton but the points are only secondary.

It's the fun they give, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, what a weak laugh that was, I wish I hadn't said it!

Paul, we'd like you to begin the next round.

The subject is...what a strange one!

Having A Good Time In The Desert.

Think of something to say, if you can, 60 seconds, starting now.

Many years ago,

I was at the Edinburgh Festival. A gentleman came up to me and said, "I heard you on Just A Minute

"during the summer." I didn't think that was remarkable. Then he said,

"I was crossing the Gobi Desert in a jeep." He'd listened via the World Service.

Now, of course, we are not on that august institution

but you can, still, in the desert, make a great deal of fun.

Befriend a vulture, that's what they're there for. They may

look up on you as potential carrion but I say, "Carry on regardless!"

AUDIENCE GROANS What are you groaning at? I'm making it off the top of my head!

BUZZER I shouldn't have said that.

-They put me off!

-Liza, you challenged.

I was just helping out while the audience were putting Mr Merton off.

-Yeah!

-So, hesitation, correct challenge.

You have 29 seconds. Having A Good Time In The Desert, starting now.

I was enjoying a programme with Mr Bear Grylls on it the other day,

who was having a wonderful time in the desert.

He started his search, or in fact, journey,

looking for some water, and as he went,

he distilled all sorts of skills to the viewer,

one of which was sucking the moisture out of a lizard

which he'd bitten the head off. Now, I'm not a great advocate

of this sort of behaviour, least of all going back to the hamster with Freddie Starr, that...

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Liza Tarbuck was speaking then, as the whistle went,

and gained that all-important extra point. She has moved forwards, she's in second place behind Paul Merton.

Who's going to begin the next round? Miles Jupp, it's your turn.

Right, good luck!

Strangers On A Train.

Tell us something about that subject, or film if you like.

60 seconds, starting now.

I consider anybody else

who is travelling on the same train as me to be a stranger,

even if they are a close friend or relative.

I think everybody should be completely silent when travelling on trains,

especially if they're in the quiet coach. You shouldn't be allowed

to use computers or carry children or eat apples or crisps noisily,

nor should the people who run the...rail...

BUZZER, AUDIENCE GROANS

-Gyles, you've challenged your love child.

-I know.

-Because there was that hesitation.

-There was a hesitation.

Gyles, there's 40 seconds still available. Tell us something about Strangers On A Train, starting now.

This story is going to astound Miles,

because it is going to lead to his conception.

BUZZER

You've been challenged, you've been challenged! Paul, what is it?

-Repetition of "going".

-"Going", yes, well listened, Paul.

You've got 35 seconds, you tell us something about Strangers On A Train, starting now.

One of Alfred Hitchcock's greatest films, made in the early 1950s

for the Warner Brothers Studios, it was based on the first novel by Patricia Highsmith,

who went on to become a magnificent crime writer

throughout the rest of her career. Strangers On A Train,

black and white, monochrome, call it how you will,

its lack of colour did not... Ah nah, jow..niaow...

BUZZER, LAUGHTER

For those Hungarian viewers.

LAUGHTER

-Gyles, you challenged.

-Hesitation.

-Hesitation. 17 seconds available.

It's Strangers On A Train, starting now.

She sat down in front of me.

She was indeed a stranger on this train,

looking remarkably like the young Ingrid Bergman.

That was not her name though, Jupp turned out to be the surname

that this woman had.

Her hair flame-red, her eyes the colour of beautiful azure pearls, and then I kissed her.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

He got away with that!

I'm sorry... I dipped the pearls in an azure colour I've got at home.

You needn't wriggle out of it!

No, I worry about it, even when I've won, I worry!

I wish to wriggle out of it because she was already called Jupp, which isn't my mother's maiden name,

-so you're suggesting...

-This is the terrible thing!

-This is awful news.

-Oh, God, but your dad...

If I had to choose anyone to hear this news from, Gyles, it simply wouldn't be you!

Can I say he's been a...

-It would be Nicholas Parsons!

-I want you to know,

he's been a good dad in his own way. Mr Jupp, you've done your best...

-Reverend Dr...

-Really?

-Yes, you disgrace.

-Reverend Dr.

-Oh, right, so,

what's the situation at the end of that round?

Paul Merton is still in the lead. He's two points ahead of Gyles Brandreth. Oh no...

it's Liza Tarbuck who's in second place, one point behind Paul.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

And Gyles is one point behind Liza.

And Miles Jupp's bringing up a magnificent rear!

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, I could have said that better, couldn't I?

Let's get on with the show. Gyles Brandreth, your turn to begin. And the subject is...

Oh, we're going to get something here.

My Holiday Romance.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

60 seconds, starting now.

Her name was Doris,

the beach was sandy. It was Broadstairs in August.

And the fun we had as I rode her...

She was, of course, a donkey.

And the year was 1956, my first holiday romance.

Oh, those glorious golden days of one's youth,

when you could fall in love with an animal and nobody thought there was anything perverse about it.

Now when it happens to me and I fancy the beagle next door,

they're on the phone to the RSPCA. What can you do?

Holiday romances are incredibly...

-BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

In answer to your question "What can you do?" Leave animals alone...

..is what you can do! Outrageous.

APPLAUSE

People's pets watch this show, aren't there, Nicholas?

-Yes, but they don't get the jokes, the pets, they just sit there. They're fascinated by you.

-Are they?

They dribble at the mouth when you come on!

That's... Thank you!

LAUGHTER

Something about making a domestic pet drool

that has been top of my list of achievements.

Paul, we did enjoy the interruption, we got a lovely laugh,

so we give you a bonus point for that. Gyles was interrupted

so he gets a point for an incorrect challenge.

-And Miles gets the subject!

-Oh, yes!

Miles turns out to be the subject!

Gyles, 30 seconds, My Holiday Romance, starting now.

My holiday romance truly started at Victoria Station,

when I climbed onto this train and saw this extraordinary young woman.

You probably know her name, I won't repeat it.

She was very beautiful, I must say,

and would look like somebody in this room if you could see her now, page by page...Oh no!

LONG BUZZER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You see how easy it is to trip up in this game?

-Paul, you challenged first.

-Repetition of "page".

Paul, 15 seconds, something about My Holiday Romance, starting now.

Holiday romance, there I was, on one of the Greek islands. I looked up

and across the horizon I saw a figure coming towards me.

She was beautiful. Long, golden hair, magnificent arms,

a great, big...how long have we got? BUZZER

LAUGHTER

I think he's going out with the orang-utan I had the dalliance with.

With his long golden arms, what's going on here?

Miles, I think it was your buzzer that went first.

-Was it?

-Yes, I pressed it for you, boy.

-Oh, did you...

-OK, I'll take that.

-You've got in with half a second to go.

It's My Holiday Romance, starting now.

I too was on a Greek island cos I was on Kos! WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Paul, it's your turn to begin.

The subject is...oh! Toasts.

Tell us something about Toasts in this game, starting now.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to imagine

you all have an imaginary glass as we toast Mr Nicholas Parsons' chairmanship of Just A Minute

for the last 45 years, never missed a programme over 800 recordings.

I say, Nicholas, well done and here's to the next 800!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you!

-BUZZER

-Thank you!

-It's also a clever way of extending the time of the minute.

-Gyles challenged you.

-Repetition of "Nicholas". But I kept until after the applause.

-True.

Repetition of "Nicholas".

But can you have too much repetition of "Nicholas"?

LAUGHTER

-800 programmes.

-Well done, thank you. A bonus point

-for your flattery, thank you very much.

-No, no, no...

APPLAUSE

Gyles, a correct challenge and you have 39 seconds.

Tell us something about Toasts in this game, starting now.

Your Majesty, Royal Highness, my lords, ladies, gentlemen.

This evening, I am honoured to propose the toast

of fatherhood. What an extraordinary, proud thing it is

-to be a papa and to be confronted...

-BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

-Repetition of "pa", is it?

-No, it's all one word.

-Papa is one word.

-Oh, it's one word?

-Yes.

-Still, nice to hear from me, wasn't it?

-So, Gyles,

an incorrect challenge, another point to you,

26 seconds still available, Toasts, starting now.

Of all the toasts I like the most, it's the wonderful one that's slightly burnt,

with the baked beans on top and then a fish finger and then a fried egg...

-BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

A few "thens" one after the other, quite quickly.

-Then, then, then.

-Yes. Can't argue with it, wouldn't argue with it.

Don't argue with it.

So keep quiet for a moment!

LAUGHTER

Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, I'm very fond of you. Paul...

But not in that way!

-LAUGHTER

-Paul, correct challenge, you have 18 seconds.

-Toasts, starting now.

-When I think of all the great toasts

that have been passed through the remarkable century

that we have just endured and are still surviving through now,

if we look at the great Winston Churchill on the eve of the Second World War,

he was no longer, at that point, in power but he knew...

This has got nothing to do with Toasts!

-BUZZER

-Liza, you've ch...

I'm coming in there, there was deviation.

-I was trying to keep hold of you!

-I didn't know where I was going with that.

-Complete deviation.

-Slippy subject.

-So, Liza,

you got in with one second to go!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

You're getting sharp at this game. One second on Toasts, starting now.

Before I left for this job...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Liza Tarbuck was speaking as the whistle went

and gained that extra point. She's moved forward,

she's equal with Gyles in second place.

They're trailing Paul by three points and Miles Jupp is...

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, who's for tea?

LAUGHTER

That little tinkle tells us that we're into the last round.

-AUDIENCE: Ahh...

-You couldn't care less, could you?

LAUGHTER

But, Miles, it's your turn to begin. Ooh...

What I Keep In My Pocket.

60 seconds, starting now.

What I keep in my pocket

on which day of the week it is. On Mondays, I have things

that are to do with food, such as eggs, ham, cheese,

pizza, game, pate...beef...

BUZZER

AUDIENCE: Oh!

-Gyles, you've challenged.

-These pockets are just so huge

that we've now got to the stage of deviation.

When he got to the game, I really thought...

I've met him on a Monday and he's not wearing that so it's deviation.

How do we know that he hasn't got these huge pockets that he puts lots and lots of food into?

Yeah, a gamekeeper's pockets!

LAUGHTER

-Very good!

-What do you think they wear?

APPLAUSE

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt

and you still have the subject, 45 seconds available.

What I Keep In My Pocket, starting now.

Tuesday is DIY day, pocket-wise.

Hammers, tongs, tape measures...nails...

-BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

-Slight hesitation.

-Slight hesitation, you couldn't keep it up, could you?

-No, bless you for saying!

-Listing sounds so easy in this game

but I assure you, it's very difficult.

Go home and try it. Don't do it now cos it's a waste of time, we want you to concentrate.

It was a correct challenge, Paul. What I Keep In My Pocket,

-39 seconds, starting now.

-What I keep in my pocket,

I have apricots, bananas, carthorses, dirty, evil...oh, I can't say that.

BUZZER I have other...

-Yes, Miles.

-That was a hesitation, as a result of good manners,

-I have to say.

-A carthorse in your pocket?

-It could have been a key-ring carthorse.

-No, it couldn't.

I've got very big pockets, and very small carthorses!

LAUGHTER

Miles, a correct challenge, you have 31 seconds still

about What I Keep In My Pocket, starting now.

Wednesday in my pockets...

LAUGHTER

I keep flags of all nations. English, Scottish, Welsh,

Portuguese, Irish, Dutch, French, German

Czech Repulic-ian, Slovakian...Cornish...

BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

-There was a bit of a hesitation.

-There was.

-Indeed.

-Listing is great fun.

-They're ganging up on you.

No, I appreciate it, I'm simply having a go.

You did very well, you kept going for a good 15 seconds on that list.

You should have changed from the list to something else, but Paul,

you've got in with 14 seconds to go on What I Keep In My Pocket, starting now.

What I keep in my pocket is a souvenir from my days as a child.

It's a simple toy, a yo-ditto,

and what it is, is one of those things that goes up and down like that on a piece of string.

It was given to me on the occasion of my seventh birthday.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yo-ditto.

-Yo-ditto.

APPLAUSE

Only an experienced player of the game could come up with "yo-ditto".

I thought of "yo-yo" and realised I had to...

Well done. You were speaking as the whistle went

and gained that extra point, let me give you the final score!

Miles Jupp, who's not played the game as much as the others,

did extraordinarily well.

He did finish in fourth place but it was a very good fourth place.

Your contribution is the important thing, not the points.

And equal in second place were Gyles Brandreth and Liza Tarbuck.

Out in the lead was Paul Merton.

So we say, he is the winner today!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So...it only remains for me to say thank you

to these four fine players of the game. So it's goodbye

from this delightful audience here at the Television Centre.

It's goodbye from me, Nicholas Parsons.

Do join us again the next time we take to your screens

and we play Just A Minute!

MUSIC: "Minute Waltz" by Frederic Chopin

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd