Episode 5 Just a Minute

Welcome to Just A Minute!

APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Hello. My name is Nicholas Parsons,

and as the Minute Waltz fades away it's my huge pleasure to welcome you

to this special edition of Just A Minute

from BBC Television Centre.

This year Just A Minute turns 45 and as a special birthday treat,

we've taken over your television screens.

So without further ado, please welcome to the show

four talented performers.

They are seated on my right, Paul Merton and Josie Lawrence.

And seated on my left, Jason Manford and John Sergeant.

Please welcome all four of them!

APPLAUSE

Players will try to speak for just a minute on the subject I give them.

They will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

The other panellists can challenge at any time they wish,

and if I uphold the challenge,

they gain a point and take over the subject.

If not, the person speaking gains a point, and keeps the subject.

The person speaking when the whistle goes,

which tells us 60 seconds have elapsed, gains an extra point.

By the way, they can repeat the subject on the card.

Paul, would you take the first subject?

Tell us something about that subject in this game.

60 seconds, as usual, starting now.

Once upon a time is the traditional beginning of many a fairy story.

Once upon a time there was a princess

who lived in a magic forest.

She was young, 22, nobody else could see her,

she bathed naked in the lagoon. Her, her...

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

Sorry, I was completely lost it. Where were we?

Who are these people?

-You talked about her being naked and you went!

-I was gone.

-Your own vision destroyed you, didn't it?

-Yes, I'm happy with the vision.

-Josie, you challenged.

-It was hesitation.

-It was, my darling.

You have a correct challenge. You get a point for that.

There are 44 seconds still available.

Once Upon A Time, starting now.

Once upon a time always conjures up an idea of magical places.

When somebody says, in a dulcet tone, "Once upon a time" to me,

I feel compelled to grab the nearest pillow and suckle on my thumb.

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

-John, you've challenged.

-Technically, you can't suckle on your thumb.

-No.

I've tried it, and it just does not work!

LAUGHTER

Yes, but you're not me, and I can suckle.

-She's got a thumb full of milk.

-Yeah.

No, within the rules of Just A Minute in grammar and language,

I would be inclined to agree with you, John.

You can suck your thumb but not suckle on your thumb.

BOOING

Hooray!

John, you have a correct challenge and the subject Once Upon A Time.

There are 28 seconds available, starting now.

Once upon a time is a phrase I have to use for my four grandchildren

because they want me to read a story.

The trouble is once I say...

BUZZER

-Josie's challenge.

-Oh, no. Sorry.

I thought it was a repetition of "once",

but of course it's in the title. I apologise, John.

It's in the title, and you can repeat the title or words in the title.

So, John, an incorrect challenge and a point to you.

20 seconds still available, starting now.

When I say, "Once upon a time" to my grandchildren...

BUZZER

-There we are. Paul?

-Repetition of grandchildren.

-You've got too many grandchildren.

I was thrown by the interruption,

I thought the audience wouldn't understand that I had grandchildren.

-I don't think that's fair.

-I think they believe you.

-Really?

But I'm too young, aren't I(?) To have grandchildren.

It's not fair, it suckles.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know what I like to do in this game

when someone gives a wonderful remark like that and gets applause,

I give a bonus point for that.

Paul, you had a correct challenge and you have 16 seconds

to tell us more about Once Upon a Time. Starting now.

Once upon a time there was a small girl called Goldilocks

who was making her way through the woods,

she came upon a cottage, knocked on the door, walked in,

saw three bowls of porridge laid out on the table,

she thought to herself, "I don't think much of this as a buffet!"

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

Buffet is a good word.

As I said before, in this game

whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point.

On this occasion it was Paul Merton.

And the situation is very fair at the end of the first round,

Paul Merton, Josie Lawrence and John Sergeant have got two points.

Jason Manford has yet to speak. Oh, you have spoken!

I'm just taking it all in, working it out. Wait till I go, my God.

I'll give you point after point after point.

That would be repetition. Don't do point after point after point.

LAUGHTER

Jason, we'd like you to begin the next round.

The subject is Turning Into My Dad.

60 seconds, as usual, starting now.

Well, over the years

I've found myself turning into my dad on many occasions,

whether it be phrases that I'm using around the house,

such as, "If you're cold then put a jacket on."

"Turn these lights off, it's not Blackpool illuminations."

I have found myself only recently sitting in the car

waiting for my wife to get ready for a night out,

thinking that would make her move a little bit faster.

Of course, it didn't, and beeping the horn only annoys the neighbours.

BUZZER

-Paul's challenged.

-A bit of a hesitation.

A definite hesitation I would have said,

-that's the first time you've actually spoken.

-Yes.

-Very good.

APPLAUSE

How long was that?

Was that about eight seconds?

That felt about two and a half minutes, was it not?

-No, it was 31 seconds.

-31 seconds is great.

-I'll take that.

You've picked him up on a hesitation. Correct challenge.

-Turning Into My Dad, starting now.

-Turning into my dad is a phenomenon that...

BUZZER

Jason challenged.

I thought it was turning into MY dad?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Er, no, it wasn't, actually.

-Sorry, I thought it was about my dad.

I thought, "That sounds nothing like my dad."

I'll tell you what I'll do,

-because we enjoyed your interruption, I'll give you a bonus point.

-OK!

I'll take it.

Paul, you have another correct challenge. 29 seconds starting now.

Teenagers were only really invented in the 1950s,

before that you were expected to dress like your parents

as soon as you could reasonably be expected to do so.

-So a boy of six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

-Expected, expected...

BUZZER AND LAUGHTER

-Jason, you challenged.

-Yeah, for repetition.

-Of expected?

Of, er, what you said.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's what I thought!

Jason, you may not have played the game much, but you were quick then(!)

It's funny how quick you pick it up(!)

So that was a correct challenge of repetition,

so you have a point for that, 19 seconds,

and you take back the subject of Turning Into My Dad, starting now.

One way I know I'll never turn into my dad

is because he's so good at getting rid of spiders out the bath,

and I'm still...

BUZZER

Spiders AT the bath, I mean, what sort of English is that?

LAUGHTER

-I never said that!

-At the BAR, OK...

-He said, "out".

-I said "out" the bath!

-Spiders out of the bath!

-I think you're being regionalist, John!

-You said "baff", for a start!

-Out of the bath! I'm just northern.

-Really(?)

LAUGHTER

I've never heard anyone say that before, but I don't travel much.

LAUGHTER

You've never travelled north of Watford, obviously!

You didn't understand the North Country, did you there, John?

LAUGHTER

Jason, you have an incorrect challenge.

-OK.

-So you keep the subject. You've got another point, of course.

Turning Into My Dad, you've got 11 seconds, starting now.

When getting rid of insects in our house, I have to shout the wife.

-Josie?

-I'm afraid he's already said wife.

-Your wife came in before.

I've got two of them, though!

LAUGHTER

-Even if you had four, it would still be repetition.

-OK!

So, Josie, you had a correct challenge.

You've got the subject of Turning Into My Dad

and there are seven seconds, starting now.

Of course, I am a lady so it would be physically impossible for me

to find myself turning into my dad, although I have got...

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

So Josie Lawrence was speaking when the whistle went

and gained that extra point.

She's now out in the lead with Paul Merton

and John Sergeant, we'd like you to begin the next round.

The subject, I'm sure this is up your street(!)

LAUGHTER

60 seconds, starting now.

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

-Hesitation!

-Is that fair?

AUDIENCE: No!

-I don't think it's fair, is it?

-You're right(!)

Let's abandon the way of playing the programme for 45 years,

so that John can feel comfortable in what's being done.

-Well, that's very generous of you Paul.

-Absolutely. Let him have it(!)

To be fair, as a regular TV viewer,

I definitely would prefer to hear John's version of reggae.

LAUGHTER

So, John, they're giving it to you, so you have a point.

You have Reggae, still.

You haven't got it yet because you haven't started!

You have 58 seconds... Are you ready, John? Starting now!

Reggae was always a rather frightening subject for me,

I was going through a phase where I was trying to be a West Indian

tough, cool guy.

When people said reggae in those days you had to say, "Yeah, man."

After a bit, I found this rather tedious because I hated the music

and there was no point in pretending, so what I did then

was to not say anything like that I would say something like "hmm."

BUZZER

Josie's challenged you.

-A repetition of "say".

-Yes, you said "say" twice.

-Say?

-Yes.

People say things and they say other things, don't they?

-In just a minute if you repeat the word.

-Say?

-Yes, S-A-Y.

I think we should change the rules after 45 years

and let John keep the subject.

LAUGHTER

This is a very tough business!

LAUGHTER

-Josie, do you want John to carry on with Reggae?

-Oh, no. I want the part.

Right, Josie, a correct challenge.

You have 36 seconds available, still. Reggae, starting now.

Reggae is such sexy music.

I think it's the off-beat rhythm that does it for me.

The twang of those guitars.

My favourite was always Bob Marley and the Wailers.

No woman, I didn't cry!

I was jamming in my kitchen to the rock steady beat!

Or, going down to Electric Avenue to meet my other friends.

The trouble with reggae is it's quite difficult to dance to

unless you are a cool person and I am not.

You have to have really bendy, soft...

BUZZER

-Jason challenged.

-I think Josie is a cool person!

LAUGHTER

-It's incorrect.

-She's proving it now, isn't she?

-Shall we give him a bonus point for speaking?

-Yes!

Jason, you've not played it before, we'll give you a bonus point,

-but Josie gets a point because she was interrupted.

-Yes, sorry.

-Five seconds still, Josie.

With you on reggae, starting now.

Let's all go to a party and dance to a rocksteady beat!

-We had rocksteady and dance before.

-Yes, we did, yeah.

Paul, you got in with two seconds to go.

You haven't won any friends in the audience, but you've won a point.

LAUGHTER

You've got two seconds on Reggae, starting now.

Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and Bunny Whaler made up...

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

So, Paul Merton was speaking then when the whistle went.

That gets him an extra point, equal with Josie in the lead.

Closely followed by Jason Manford and John Sergeant, in that order.

Josie, we'd like you to begin the next round.

The subject is My Nemesis.

Tell us something about My Nemesis in this game, starting now.

My nemesis was a girl named Judy.

Now, please remember that name

because hopefully it will never be repeated.

I remember my nemesis being beautiful.

-Paul has challenged.

-You said remember twice.

-Remember that name and "I do remember".

-I did!

-You did.

-Otherwise I wouldn't have pressed the button.

-I don't believe it.

LAUGHTER

-I did. I said remember, twice.

-You did, yes.

Otherwise I wouldn't have pressed the button!

-All right! Don't play with the point!

-We're caught it a time loop.

-What did I do?

-I had to press the button!

Paul, a correct challenge and you have 48 seconds.

My Nemesis. Starting now.

My nemesis was a man who had exactly the same name as me at school,

he went by the nomenclature of Paul Martin

and that was what I was really called when I was born.

I had to change the letters

that acquired the description of me when I...

BUZZER

-Jason challenges.

-Was there like a made up name there somewhere?

-Some sort of hesitation?

-No, Jason.

-It sounded like you went...

HE BLEATS

LAUGHTER

I didn't cross species!

I was panicking but I didn't cross species.

There are occasions where I give the benefit of the doubt, and I will give the benefit of the doubt to Paul.

If I can redress the balance sometime later I will do it for you,

but right now, Paul, you have the benefit of the doubt.

You have 33 seconds, My Nemesis, starting now!

I suppose if you do have a nemesis it's important to realise

who he or she may be,

because you could be indulged in normal social chitchat at a party, without realising the person

is standing in front of you in hu...man form.

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

-In human form.

-Yes, trying to change it from something to something else.

-Josie, you challenged first.

-Yes, hesitation.

We'd call it hesitation. Josie, you have 18 seconds.

You take back the subject of My Nemesis, starting now.

My nemesis was better at everything apart from acting.

At school I excelled...

-Oh, Jason challenged.

-Repetition of "school".

Yes, you mentioned school when you were talking before.

SHE SOBS

I wouldn't cry, darling, you are only one point behind.

You know what? I bet she's enjoying this!

LAUGHTER

Jason, you had a correct challenge.

You cleverly got in with 13 seconds to go on the subject of My Nemesis.

Starting now.

My nemesis was a young man at school called Clifford Frame,

who had very hairy arms from around the age of 11.

I was always jealous of, er, these limbs.

BUZZER

-Josie challenged.

-Hesitation.

-I think there was.

-You went "...of, er, limbs".

-And you cleverly got in with two seconds to go, Josie.

-Oh!

So, two seconds, tell us more about My Nemesis, Josie,

starting now.

My nemesis one day, decided to...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Josie Lawrence speaking as the whistle went,

gains an extra point and she's now taken the lead

one ahead of Paul Merton and then Jason Manford and John Sergeant following in that order.

Paul, we'd like you to begin the next round.

The subject is...

60 seconds, as usual, starting now.

What lives at the bottom of my garden is a secret underground

network of spies devoted to overthrowing this country.

I wandered down

to the end of my garden and listened to their secretive plans

being hatched under the moonlit sky.

Their chief ambition is to replace Eamonn Holmes with a huge

animated puppet that acts like the real thing, but doesn't eat as much.

LAUGHTER

This is extraordinary, because the very foundation of British journalism

is built on the career of this wonderful man.

If he was to become something else that we couldn't trust,

then I'm sure, the people of Great Britain would say,

"The news has changed.

"It's not what it was. What has happened to our esteemed Ulsterman?

"There's something about him that isn't the same as..."

BUZZER

-Jason challenged.

-I think repetition of the word same.

-That's right, you did say same before.

-I'm sure I did, yeah.

-"He's not the same," you said.

-That's right.

But you went for 50 seconds.

AUDIENCE: Aahh!

APPLAUSE

And you get a point, of course, Jason.

10 seconds. What Lives At The Bottom Of My Garden, starting now.

What lives at the bottom of my garden is my brother, in the shed.

We let...

BUZZER

Josie challenged.

I would say hesitation but there wasn't.

So, Jason, you're still there, with an incorrect challenge,

another point to you, Jason,

and What Lives At The Bottom Of My Garden, starting now.

My sibling finished university around two years ago

and decided that he didn't want to actually pay...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Jason Manford was speaking as the whistle went,

gained an extra point for doing so and his situation

is that he's now equal with Paul Merton in second place.

Josie Lawrence are still in the lead, one ahead. Jason...

It's your turn to begin

and the subject is...

Oh, a lovely one...

Tell us something about that great comic and magician.

60 seconds as usual, starting now.

Tommy Cooper is one of my absolute heroes in comedy,

alongside Les Dawson and Dave Allen and Billy Connolly.

He's a prop comedian, a...

BUZZER

-Josie challenged. Hesitation, I'm afraid.

-There was, yes.

-You tried to remember his props.

-I did.

-Go on, do him for us.

-I thought about doing him,

but his phrase is, "Like that, and it's like that," but that's repetition.

I wouldn't be able to do.

LAUGHTER

-Everyone feels like they can do it.

-So, Josie, a correct challenge,

you get a point for that, of course. You take over the subject,

Tommy Cooper, 50 seconds, starting now.

The wonderful Tommy Cooper, the man with the fez. You know,

a mate of mine, Sandy, who's a make-up artist, used to work on all

his shows and she said he had one of the biggest faces she's ever seen.

What a wonderful visage. You only have to look at Tommy and you laugh.

But his jokes are wonderful and he was a brilliant magician.

One of my favourite jokes was,

"I've just been to the dentist. There's nothing wrong with my teeth but my gums have to come out."

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Paul, you challenged.

Repetition of ha!

LAUGHTER

-You forgot you were meant to keep going!

-I did.

I love it that you told the joke, you tell it again,

-and you laughed just as loud.

-I know, I'm stupid!

-No, it's good.

No, you're lovely. Paul, correct challenge.

20 seconds still available. Tommy Cooper, starting now.

I watched Tommy Cooper's last television appearance

Live At Her Majesty's, I think it was called, 1984.

I was watching the programme with...

BUZZER

John, challenge.

-Two watchings.

-Two watchings, yes.

-Watching.

-Two watchings, yes.

-You were watching him, watching this.

-I was watching you, you watching him.

It's all wrong, Paul.

I've got to just... get you back on track.

John...

-Can I bring you back into the game?

-Yes!

And you had a correct challenge. You get a point for that.

The subject is Tommy Cooper, 13 seconds, starting now.

Tommy Cooper was a wonderful comedian and a brilliant magician.

It wasn't just the phrase - "just like that", it...

BUZZER

Josie, challenge.

-Repetition of just.

-Oh, yes, terrible!

-It wasn't just the phrases, "just like that."

-Well listened, my love.

APPLAUSE

And so you've gone back in.

Was that showing me how to play the game?

LAUGHTER

I must... "Just, just..."

two justs, one after the other, as quick as that!

That's where me timing's...

"Just, just..."

Josie, six seconds still available, Tommy Cooper, starting now.

One of the best sketches was the hat sketch.

BUZZER

-Jason, challenge.

-Sorry, It was the sketch thing, sketches and sketch.

-That's right.

-I've learned that, now.

It doesn't matter. Josie gets another point.

Three seconds still available. Tommy Cooper, starting now.

What an adorable man...

BUZZER

-Paul, challenge.

-You did have man before.

-You did have man before.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Do you remember?

LAUGHTER

(FEEBLY) Yes, I remember.

She remembers, she remembers.

Paul, you've got in with one second to go.

And one second, Tommy Cooper, Paul, starting now.

One of the great comedians...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Let me give you the situation at the end of that round.

Josie Lawrence is still in the lead. She's two ahead

of Paul Merton and more ahead of Jason Manford

and John Sergeant in that order.

Josie, the subject is...

Tell us something about those, starting now.

In the olden days when a wage could be little more than a farthing,

pound shops were very expensive establishments.

But now they're the best places for bargains,

an Aladdin's cave, a cornucopia of treasures.

Grab your plastic basket and walk down those brightly lit aisles.

Cranberry scented candles,

batteries for my household needs,

a jumbo roll of clingfilm,

Christmas decorations,

a glowing Madonna on laminated cardboard,

all for a pound!

I have £20 in my purse. I'm rich.

Look, over there! Binliners,

mint flavoured hand wipes,

toothpaste, shampoo and up there plastic chrysanthemums...

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

I love pound shops!

I love pound shops!

Paul, what's your challenge?

-JOHN:

-You can't get everything you need!

Sorry, I think John's trying to run a minicab business while we're on air.

"He's outside, outside the door. He's ringing the doorbell.

"I'll be with you, Nicholas. He's ringing the doorbell."

Times are getting hard, are they?

I thought we were allowed to comment

on how well Josie had done and what it revealed about Josie's life.

-I thought that was part of it.

-Go on.

It did reveal a rather extraordinary interest in these horrible stores.

LAUGHTER

-John, she loves them, you don't like them.

-No, I don't.

That's because he's never been to the north.

That's where they all are.

LAUGHTER

He goes to guinea shops!

"Everything here's a guinea. Wow!"

So where do you go to? Harrods? Fortnum and Mason's?

The very best places! You say, "Here's a pound", I go, "What's that?"

I've never seen one of those. Cheap!

John, despite you calling me cheap,

I still want you to grab my hair and drag me across the floor!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think that deserves a bonus point, don't you?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

So, Paul, you challenged. What was it?

I wrote it down because I was in danger of forgetting it.

-Repetition of plastic.

-That's right, yes.

You mentioned plastic before. Paul, you got in, nine seconds to go.

Pound shops, starting now.

Josie obviously loves these pound shops. I've wandered in on occasion,

but I don't actually find much in there that I like.

I prefer staring through the window.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So...

BELL TINKLES

That delicate little bell

is to tell us that we only have time for one more round.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Jason, it's your turn to begin.

The subject is...

What a wonderful subject. 60 seconds, as usual... oh,

before we go into the round, you'd like to know the situation.

Josie's in the lead, two ahead of Paul,

and she's four to five ahead of Jason Manford

and even more ahead of John Sergeant.

And before we go into the final round,

give John Sergeant a bonus point because he needs it.

I don't need charity!

You're probably not going charity shops, either.

Jason, the subject is David And Goliath.

60 seconds, starting now.

David and Goliath, of the Bible,

two famous chaps who didn't get along.

They had a massive fight,

which I would've liked to have seen. David was three-foot-four, Goliath 12-foot-8.

David had a slingshot with a stone in it

which he aimed right in the centre of Goliath's head.

He went down, and David went over and chopped his head off,

which for me, is a bit harsh.

He's already won the match and he's ruined it for the spectators.

David and Goliath could also refer to any sort of situation where

somebody small is facing somebody big, or...

BUZZER

-Paul, challenge.

-Couple of somebody's there.

-Yes.

Small and big. I loved your interpretation.

-He wasn't three-foot-nothing, David.

-No, he wasn't.

-He was five-foot-eight.

-Goliath was a giant,

-but he was normal size.

-Goliath was six-foot-eight at the time,

but in the repeated telling of the story he's now eight-foot-three,

so we keep adding a couple of inches, but that's men for you!

-I think David was just standard height.

-I think he was.

But, Paul, you made a correct challenge. You have the subject of David And Goliath,

26 seconds, starting now.

Of course in the Bible, David isn't the fancied man at all.

Goliath is so huge.

It's about winning against overwhelming odds,

perhaps we can also see parallels in the story of the tortoise and hare.

One animal clearly designed for speed

and the other one ambling along.

BUZZER

Josie, challenge.

-Repetition of one.

-Yes, the other one.

-Oh, yes.

Well listened, Josie. 10 seconds to go.

David and Goliath, with you, starting now.

Now imagine the scene.

Poor giant, Goliath, has been asked by his mates to go out there

and fight with a little bloke.

So he's in a bit of a no-win...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Josie Lawrence,

speaking as the whistle went and gains an extra point.

And now it remains for me to give you the final situation.

John Sergeant who did very, very well,

but he did finish in a very strong fourth-place.

Jason was just ahead, one point ahead, Jason Manford. Did very well.

He hasn't played the game before.

Paul Merton, played quite often, in second place

but three points ahead of Paul was Josie Lawrence.

So, Josie, you are the winner today.

APPLAUSE

It only remains for me

to say thank you to these four fine players of the game.

It's goodbye from the delightful audience at Television Centre,

goodbye from me, Nicholas Parsons,

and join us again, the next time we play

Just A Minute!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd