Episode 6 Just a Minute

-Welcome to Just A Minute.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. My name is Nicholas Parsons and as the Minute Waltz fades away,

it's my huge pleasure to welcome you to this special edition

of Just A Minute from the BBC Television Centre.

This year marks the 45th anniversary of Just A Minute

and to celebrate over 4 and a half decades of radio success,

they've finally decided to let us deviate our way

onto your television screens. So without further ado,

please welcome to the show four talented performers.

And they are, seated on my right, Paul Merton and Tony Hawks.

And seated on my left, Sue Perkins and Graham Norton.

Please welcome all four of them.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I ask each player in turn to speak on a subject that I give them

and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

And the other three can challenge whenever they wish

and if I uphold their challenge, they gain a point.

If not, the person speaking gains a point and keeps the subject.

We go on like that until the whistle goes which tells us that 60 seconds is up.

And by the way, they can repeat the subject on the card.

-Graham, would you take the first subject?

-Yes.

-Right.

Oh, it's a really topical subject, in view of what I've been talking to you about. It's 'My 45th Birthday.'

So will you tell us something about that?

-I thought that would get a reaction, actually.

-LAUGHTER

They can't believe I am 45.

The show is 45, but you're not, Graham, so 'My 45th Birthday'...

LAUGHTER

-Let's not get on the subject of ages.

-Especially with me around.

So, 'My 45th Birthday', Graham, you have 60 seconds as usual

and your time starts now.

I remember my 45th birthday well because it strikes me,

when you're six, the highlight of a birthday is the candles

on the cake and the bumps, but by the time you're 45 that just means

the fire brigade will be called out and there's probably a visit to A&E.

I wish I could say that my 45th birthday was spent drowning in a Jacuzzi with close showbiz chums

like TV's Tim Vincent,

that woman with the big earrings from Eastenders, but no.

-BUZZING

-Sue, you've challenged.

-Is that deviation?

I don't think Tim Vincent is that woman from Eastenders with the big earrings.

LAUGHTER He may well have, I don't know, deviated subsequently.

It was a list, it was a list!

The comma was not apparent, Graham.

I think what Graham is doing, he was actually saying that he's got more than one friend.

He was being very cocky, in fact.

-Sue, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

-Oh, I love you.

-LAUGHTER

-Which means you have a point for a correct challenge.

You take over the subject. There are 30 seconds still left and your time starts now.

My 45th birthday is... BUZZING

-Graham?

-Surely not, Sue?

LAUGHTER

I wasn't... That's very sweet. APPLAUSE

-No, no, surely not.

-Gentlemen...

APPLAUSE

-I mean, she may well be about to talk about the future.

-Oh, yes.

She may be about to say "..is coming up in eight years time."

-15!

-Let's not get stupid about it. I mean, you know.

Graham, what I'll do is give you a bonus point for chivalry.

Why, thank you.

But Sue was interrupted so she gets a point for that.

She keeps the subject.

There are 28 seconds still available, 'My 45th Birthday', starting now.

My 45th birthday is so far away in time that worlds may rise and fall.

-BUZZING

-Paul's challenge.

But surely you can remember it. It can't have been that long ago.

-She saying it's in the mist of time.

-In the future!

Oh, I didn't make that clear.

Can I just say you're looking lovely tonight? Point of chivalry.

Oh, oh. OK, a point for chivalry and I'll leave it with Sue.

It's a easy as that? OK, fair enough.

All right, Sue, unless they decide they are all going to be chivalrous,

you keep the subject and you have 24 seconds.

'My 45th Birthday', starting now.

I'm 32 plus VAT so for me it's a long time away but I'll look

forward to the invitation from Graham where I can share

showbiz fun and jollity in a filled Jacuzzi stuffed with

Tim Vincent and that bird off Eastenders with the enormous earrings,

who may or may not be the same person, who can possibly tell?

-BUZZING

-Paul's challenge.

-Repetition of person?

Yes, and you've got in with seven seconds to go

and your time starts now.

I can well remember the guest list at my 45th birthday.

In fact, when I look around the audience now, I can see several familiar faces who were there.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

In this game, whoever is speaking

when the whistle goes gains an extra point.

On this occasion, it was Paul Merton, so Paul,

you're in the lead at the end of the first round.

It's not surprising because very few points have been scored.

Anyway, let's move on. Let's take the next subject.

And Sue, we'd like you to take the next one.

God, it's embarrassing now I'm going to tell you what it is.

The worst smell in the world.

Sue, will you try and tell us

something about that subject in this game, starting now.

A Northern Line tube carriage at the height of summer,

a sweltering afternoon at rush hour,

with head embedded in moist armpit of a commuter,

with the heady fug of crotch and tobacco emanating.

-BUZZING

-She's still talking about her 45th birthday party.

-Tony, I don't think...

-Can I just say how magnificent she looks,

just in case there could be a point going for chivalry, I don't know.

As the audience enjoyed what you said so much,

and gave you a round of applause, I'll give you a bonus point

for that but Sue was interrupted so she gets a point, keeps the subject.

There are 42 seconds available and your time starts now.

What could add to that olfactory journey

but the sound of polystyrene squeaking

and, suddenly, fried chicken emerging?

Ah, if only we knew the special ingredients

that go into that incredible smell bomb

that gets detonated every time one attempts to make a journey,

say from Euston in the centre of town... BUZZING

-Graham, your challenge.

-Repetition of journey.

-Yes.

-Yes.

Was it really, was it really?!

LAUGHTER

Oh, you are good.

You looked as if you were chancing your arm on that but it was right.

-It is correct. Yes.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah...

You can Sky Plus all you want, she said it twice.

LAUGHTER

So Graham, another point to you for a great challenge.

And with 23 seconds available, your time starts now.

A hand-knitted jumper that's been caught in the rain.

Oh, the whiff of wet dog off that!

I did think that was the worst smell in the world

until I got some canine friends and ooh!

BUZZING

-Sue, you've challenged.

-Repetition of 'ooh!'

LAUGHTER

No, let's be fair, Sue. I mean, that 'ooh' was a long one.

A different spelling.

Five Os in the first one, nine in the second one.

What Tony said, yeah, what Tony said.

So I gave you the benefit of the doubt last time. Graham gets the benefit of the doubt now,

keeps the subject. Another point to you, Graham.

Eight seconds still available starting now.

Pet owners will know all too well the fearsome woof-woof fart.

BUZZING

LAUGHTER

I see what I've done there.

LAUGHTER

-Paul, your challenge.

-Oh, repetition of 'woof'.

-Yes.

They laugh as if they hadn't spotted it.

Right, but Paul, well spotted yourself. You have a point.

You have the subject, you have three seconds and your time starts now.

Rotting flesh and sewage, so a zombie with diarrhoea, for me,

would be the worst smell in the world. WHISTLE BLOWS

so Paul Merton was then speaking, and so gained that extra point for doing so.

And he has increased his lead at the end of that round.

And Tony, will you begin the next round?

Oh, a lovely historical subject. William the Conqueror.

Tell us something about William the Conqueror in this game starting now.

William the Conqueror wasn't always called William the Conqueror.

For a while, he was named William the Bastard,

presumably this was because of his lilegitimate birth...

BUZZING

What sort of birth did he have? A "lilygitimate"?

Is that with genuine flowers, what happens there?

-His mother was Lily.

-Yes? And his father was Gitimate. Oh, I see.

-I retract my challenge. What a load of nonsense.

-She married Mr Gitimate.

A Lilygitimate birth, obvious.

Tony, it was what we interpret as hesitation

because you did stumble over the words so Paul,

another point to you and you have 48 seconds.

Tell us something about William the Conqueror starting now.

I know nothing about William the Conqueror. BUZZING

-Deviation.

-Why?

Because he knows nothing about William the Conqueror.

But the point is, in this game, whether you know anything about the subject or not,

you've got to try and keep going without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

-If you say you don't...

-It doesn't matter.

-OK.

-It doesn't matter.

It's up to him to try and bluff.

I'm certainly looking forward to the next minute.

LAUGHTER

So Paul, you've got another point, and you have 48 seconds.

William the Conqueror, starting now.

From his early childhood, people... BUZZING

-Tony, you've challenged.

-I don't believe him.

-No.

LAUGHTER

-He doesn't know anything. I'm not accepting that.

-I haven't said anything yet!

He obviously had an early childhood. He wasn't born middle-aged,

like SOME of us.

No, I think you're justified, the fact that it was an incorrect challenge, Paul.

Another point to you. 46 seconds starting now.

William the Conqueror strode into his mother's house and demanded...

-BUZZING

-Sue, your challenge.

Is he still young, cos striding, I mean,

it's an emphatic thing for a toddler to do.

I'm just not buying it, I'm just not buying it, Nicholas.

LAUGHTER

I'm also trying to get Paul the maximum

amount of points for knowing nothing about William the Conqueror.

I'm doing better on this subject I know nothing about than any subject I've had all day.

-So you got another point for an incorrect challenge.

-Oh, good.

And 43 seconds starting now.

Everybody in the neighbourhood hated William the Conqueror.

They despised the fact he used to go off conquering and not send his mummy,

poor mother... BUZZING ..wouldn't send her...

Graham challenged.

-Repetition of 'mummy'.

-Yes, but I said mother before.

-I said mother after you buzzed.

-Well, I've given you a point.

That's my main aim.

So Paul, you've got another point, increasing your lead.

-You've still got 35 seconds.

-How many seconds?

-35 seconds.

To talk about something about which you know nothing. Time starting now.

I've got a cat called William the Conqueror. He's a lovely little creature.

He's part moggy and another part... BUZZING Oh, that's two parts.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-No more!

-Sue, you challenged first.

-Repetition of 'part'.

-Yes, absolutely.

Sue, you have the subject now. Tell us something about William the Conqueror .

30 seconds, starting now.

William the Conqueror was a Duke of Normandy, got bored and thought he'd have a bit of England.

Harold was ruling at the time. Dubious lineage,

but the problem was Edward the Confessor hadn't got any kids. So...

BUZZING

-She knows too much about William the Conqueror.

-LAUGHTER

-It's contrast.

-Light and shade.

-Tony, this happened before.

You've made a joke and you get a round of applause.

I'm always inclined to give bonus points for that.

-So you're winning on bonus points.

-Thank you very much.

Sue, you were interrupted, so you get another point for that.

There are 20 seconds available. William the Conqueror, starting now.

William the Conqueror toddles over to the UK and ends up in Hastings.

Lovely seaside resort, but he aims to go to battle

because it's the best place for a fight, in that it doesn't need to be renamed.

That's the annoying thing about locations.

-You have a massive fight there, and then...

-BUZZING

-Graham challenged.

-Repetition of fight.

-Yes.

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

Graham, it was a correct challenge.

And you've got in with three seconds to go.

William the Conqueror with you, starting now.

Looking at this erudite audience,

-I realise I mustn't bore you with the details...

-WHISTLE BLOWS

So Graham Norton was then speaking as the whistle went and gained an extra point for doing so.

At the end of the round, Paul Merton is still in the lead

and Sue Perkins and Graham Norton are equal second place,

and then Tony's bringing up the rear with all his bonus points.

Paul, we'd like you to begin the next round. Bee keeping.

Can you tell us something about bee keeping, starting now?

Due to the terrible ecological climate that we now live in,

bees are actually missing out on existence.

We have two, all of us, encourage to keep our... Oh, God's sake! BUZZING

-There's about five mistakes in that.

-Hesitation.

-Yes, indeed it was.

-Dreadful.

-There are 51 seconds still available.

Sue, you tell us something about bee keeping, starting now.

Bees are stoners. They love a bit of a smoke to calm them down.

-Nothing signifies...

-BUZZING

-Graham's challenge.

-This is inappropriate, I feel.

It's a celebration of Just A Minute and I don't think this should be in the programme.

They're mellow, mellow bees.

We shouldn't be encouraging insects to break the law, should we?

-I don't know what your challenge was, Graham.

-I was just stopping it, that's all.

-It was more of an intervention.

-I don't think it was legitimate.

-OK.

-So, Sue keeps the subject.

-It's your programme.

LAUGHTER

You saw me. I tried to stop this.

Oh, the darling boy's in a huff.

Graham, because they enjoyed your reaction,

I'm going to give you a bonus point.

Now, was that that hard? Was that that hard? LAUGHTER

-Thank you.

-But Sue was interrupted, so she keeps the subject.

Can I just say, Sue, you're looking particularly beautiful today.

LAUGHTER

-Chivalry.

-You're going to all give her a bonus point, you?

Graham, you've got your bonus point, Sue, you've got the subject.

-43 seconds starting now.

-Bee keeping is important because, as Paul said,

they are dying out due to monoculture,

agriculture only providing a single crop for us to eat.

Bees thrive on diversity. They need to eat freely.

-BUZZING

-Graham challenged.

I'm so bored.

You didn't like the drug bees, now you don't like the serious bees.

-What kind of bees you like?

-Mono blah blah blah...

Are we allowed to challenge for boring?

You can challenge for anything you like, it's up to me to decide whether you get a point or not.

So Sue, she was interrupted.

She has a point for that and the subject is still bee keeping,

and there are 29 seconds starting now.

I kept bees for about 15 minutes, had to wear a spacesuit, got badly stung

because one little blighter got underneath the enormous cowl that I was wearing,

not of the Simon variety, merely a sort of headgear that was going to keep them away from me.

They can really nip, what with that massive great pointy thing that comes out of their backside.

So I retreated because other hobbies are, frankly, safer. BUZZING

-Paul challenged.

-They don't really nip, bees.

-They don't.

-They sting, they don't nip.

-They inject something into you.

-Do they(?)

-Yes.

-Are you saying they don't have enormous canine teeth(?)

-No, no.

-They inject something into you.

-You're thinking of dachshunds.

-Yes.

-Dachshunds and bees.

-And does it really come out of their backsides?

-Yes, well, sort of.

-No, no, quite far back but not the backsides.

I was going to pick them up on that but I was too shy, really.

Is it like a thorax prong, is that what you'd have thought?

I would have said thorax prong had I got the subject.

-Wasn't he one of Norway's biggest film stars?

-He was.

-I've got all his films at home.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wonderful actor. Wonderful.

Paul, you had a correct challenge. They don't sting, they inject.

And there are nine seconds available, starting now.

Thorax Prong was sitting in his dressing room.

He was about to appear in The Swarm, definitely a bee movie. AUDIENCE GROANS

He looked at his fellow co-stars.

They were dreadful little insects, he said to himself. WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went and gains a point.

So where are we now? Graham, it's your turn to begin again.

Yes, it's almost what you did just then, 'Throwing a Tantrum'.

LAUGHTER

So will you tell us something about throwing a tantrum?

In this game, starting now.

Some days I so long to have the emotional freedom

of a three-year-old child, to have myself prostate in a supermarket...

-BUZZING

-Sue challenged.

Prostate? Yes, I...

LAUGHTER

-I don't know that they do them in Tesco's.

-It's their Finest range.

Every little helps.

No, we should all have our prostates seen to occasionally.

-I don't need mine.

-LAUGHTER

Sue challenged and it was correct. There are 50 seconds available.

'Throwing a Tantrum', starting now.

What you might not know about me

is that I am the Mariah Carey of factual entertainment

and unless there's a huge collection of freshly-born puppies

-in my dressing room and only blue M&Ms, I will have...

-BUZZING

-Tony challenged.

-M and Ms.

Yes, I was going to say repetition of 'M', but as Paul has pointed out,

thankfully, she said 'M' the first time

and 'Ms' the second time, so what I'm going to try and do

is cleverly work a bonus point out of this

by saying how magnificent YOU'RE looking this evening.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was not what you said before you came on.

"Is he still going?!", you said

-I'm inclined to take a point away from you, Paul!

-Well, I'll have it.

If you flatter the chairman, you're entitled to a bonus point, don't you think?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

You've got it then. But it was an incorrect challenge, Sue, so you still have the subject.

'Throwing a Tantrum', 39 seconds starting now.

The worst tantrum I ever did see was Nicholas Parsons before a radio recording of Just A Minute.

There he was in his thong,

screeching like a barn owl for all to hear,

because somebody hadn't put fresh roses in the dressing room.

-Well, he turned...

-BUZZING

-Who's challenged? Tony?

-Me. I think there was a dressing room before with fresh puppies in it.

It was deviation anyway.

LAUGHTER

No, Tony, you've got the subject and you have 'Throwing a Tantrum',

24 seconds starting now.

YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

We can all remember these amazing tantrums of John McEnroe

during Wimbledon and how the crowd were delighted by them

in some sort of perverse way.

Although this behaviour was clearly appalling,

they loved it and they bemoan the fact that the tennis people today

do not carry on with such vigour and passion.

They would like to see more of it.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went,

and with great passion he went up to that moment and gained an extra point for doing so.

And he's still in fourth place.

Sue. Oh, what an interesting subject.

'My First Celebrity Crush.'

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

That's the noise we used to hear when people said "And tonight's star prize..."

Right, Sue, your turn to begin.

'First Celebrity Crush', 60 seconds as usual starting now.

My first rather improbable celebrity crush

was Jan-Michael Vincent from cult mess Airwolf.

What an extraordinary voice, which I thought at the time reeked of sexual allure and promise

but in fact he probably had laryngitis.

It was as if his tonsils had been grated by a parmesan shaver,

and when he took off his spectacular aviator sunglasses,

his eyes resembled raisins in a half-baked sponge,

and yet something about him appealed to my teenage self.

-The way he sat, pigeon chest...

-BUZZING

Tony, you've challenged.

I think there may have been a repetition of 'way.'

Yes, the way he sat and the way he did this.

AUDIENCE: Awwww...

He's on his way now.

So you have 27 seconds, 'My First Celebrity Crush.' Starting now.

My first celebrity crush was when Luciano Pavarotti

fell on me at a party.

It was absolutely terrifying.

I was underneath him for quite some time, hospitalised for four weeks.

Tried to bring a court case against him, he wasn't having any of it.

He had all the best lawyers in Italy

and you know how corrupt some of them can be.

-Berlusconi, he'd organised the party we had afterwards...

-BUZZING

-Graham, you challenged.

-Repetition of 'party'.

-Yes.

He fell on you when you were at a party. Repetition of the word.

So Graham, you cleverly got in with six seconds to go. Starting now.

My first celerity crush was David Cassidy.

That was fine but then I met him. Eurgh!

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

We don't want the whistle, do we?

-How bad was he?

-We want to hear more.

That's all you need to know! Just eurgh...

Anyway, Graham Norton was then speaking as the whistle went

-and Graham, it's your turn to begin.

-BELL RINGS

-Oh!

-Is it teatime?

That particular little tinkle tells me

that we have one more round to go.

Let me give you the situation as we move into the final round.

In ascending order, Graham is trailing Tony by two points,

and he's trailing Sue by two points. Sue is trailing Paul by two points.

So that is the situation in ascending order.

-And Graham, it's back with you to begin.

-Everything to play for.

And the subject, a lovely one, Venice.

So tell us something about Venice in this game, starting now.

Venice is the city of romance.

So vital is that town to lovers and so drawn are they...

-BUZZING

-Tony challenged.

-Were there two 'so's quite close together?

-Little tiny words...

-LAUGHTER

I breathed several times during it as well.

Listen, everything to play for, it's dog eat dog.

I'm coming last!

Kick me while I'm down!

Well, it was a correct challenge, so maybe I should give it to you

unless you want to give it back to him.

No, it's fine.

Can I just say, Nicholas, how youthful, handsome, debonair,

charming and sophisticated you are appearing tonight.

It's a real joy to be sat next to you and,

is that cologne you're wearing or just a natural,

uber-fertile man-musk that's emanating?

Sue, you need more than one bonus point to win.

Man-musk might have given me two.

-All right, give her a bonus point.

-LAUGHTER

Tony, clever listening from you. A correct challenge.

Venice, and 51 seconds starting now.

I've heard it said that Venice is actually sinking,

unlike the Italian economy which is doing terrifically well, I believe.

BUZZING

-Graham, you challenged.

-Yes, I did.

LAUGHTER

-Italian economy?

-It was deviation!

Graham, that's a correct challenge

and you were very quick on that one, I must say.

32 seconds, starting now.

A lot of people wonder, how did they do build Venice?

Well, happily, I've talked to Nicholas.

He was there when it happened and he told me

how they put down rushes and mats and then spat on them.

And then they got some mud...

-BUZZING

-Sue, you've challenged.

-Well, he's both hesitating there and also deviating.

-Why?

Well, I don't believe that Venice was built on a series of rush mats on the water, because matting...

-The man there's nodding, and how old's he?

-LAUGHTER

No, Sue, I give you the benefit of the doubt.

Venice is with you, 26 seconds, starting now.

Ah, Venice, indeed the city of the true romantic,

which is why I only did a day trip and then went on to somewhere like Milan.

Heavy, hardcore, industrial and loveless.

But when I was there, I was delighted to see the vaporetto,

the water taxi that transports you from Marco Polo Airport

to the heart of that great city, where you can... BUZZING

-Tony challenged.

-I think she said city before.

-Yes, you did.

-Repetition of city. Started off with city.

-Yes, you did.

So Tony, you've got back in with the subject,

which probably pleases you very much. And you have only six seconds to go, starting now.

I went there once many years ago. What a romantic occasion.

-Lost my virginity. Terrific evening it was.

-BUZZING

-I stood there. Huge people came past...

-Sue!

-No, I haven't finished!

-I want to tell them.

-LAUGHTER

Can I just say I was there and it was Rotterdam, NOT Venice.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyway, Sue, an incorrect challenge. And Tony's got one second left

on Venice, starting now.

Lulu said to me once... WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So it now remains for me to give you the final score in this exciting edition of Just A Minute.

Graham Norton, who has given such wonderful value,

and we love him dearly on the show, he only just finished in second place.

He was three points behind three people who are equal in the lead.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

So it couldn't be fairer than that.

Paul Merton, Tony Hawks and Sue Perkins. Three equal winners.

I love it when it works out as fair as that.

We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute.

From us, goodbye, and don't forget,

be with us the next time we play Just A Minute!

Yay, yay!

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