Episode 7 Just a Minute

-Welcome to Just A Minute.

-APPLAUSE, THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons and, as the Minute Waltz fades away,

it's my great pleasure to welcome you to this special edition

of Just A Minute from BBC Television Centre.

This year, Just A Minute turns 45 and, as a special birthday treat,

we've taken over your television screens.

Without further ado, please welcome to the show

four highly-talented and charismatic performers.

They are, seated on my right, Paul Merton and Shappi Khorsandi.

And seated on my left, Hugh Bonneville and Jason Manford.

-Please welcome all four of them.

-CHEERING

The players will try to speak for just a minute

on a subject I give them, and they must try and do that

without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

The other three panellists can challenge at any time.

If I uphold the challenge, they gain a point and take over the subject.

If not, the person speaking gains a point and keeps the subject.

The person speaking when the whistle goes,

which tells us 60 seconds have elapsed,

gains an extra point. And, by the way,

they can repeat the subject which is on the card in front of me.

Right, Shappi, can you talk on 60 seconds on this subject?

When I Met My Hero. 60 seconds as usual, starting now.

When I met my hero, Nicholas Parsons,

it was on this very programme.

I stammered a little, stuttered a lot

and, like all good heroes, he was kind to me, he held my hand and said,

"Don't worry, you'll be OK at this game, Shappi,

"just try to talk for 60 seconds without hesitating, deviating

"or repeating stuff that you have said already."

Also, like all heroes, he let me down a little bit.

I soon found out he's not

as tall as he appears to be. LAUGHTER

His name is not really Nicholas... BUZZ!

-..but Balthazar...

-Paul challenged.

-Repetition of Nicholas.

Yeah, repetition of Nicholas. What height do you think I am?

Well, I've never seen you stand up.

Do you want me to stand up?

I'd heard you on the radio, where you sound much taller than you are.

-He sounds taller on the radio.

-He does sound taller.

So, according to you, you have to be about 5'11" to be on the radio?

-No, 5'2½" - my height.

-Oh, right.

-Paul, you challenged. What was it, a repetition?

-Of Nicholas.

-Yes.

Well, we can't have too much repetition of that, can we, really?

There's probably an upper limit.

I said that and I wish I hadn't really,

cos it didn't get much of a reaction.

LAUGHTER

Paul, it is a correct challenge, and you have When I Met My Hero.

That's the subject. 22 seconds, starting now.

I interviewed Spike Milligan on a show I used to do

called Room 10- ditto first figure...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-..and it was extraordinary for me,

because he was a hero of mine from childhood.

I well remember the Goon Show, the Q series that he did

and actually to be sitting talking to him,

listening to the various things he'd like to consign to oblivion

was a tremendously proud moment for me in my broadcasting career.

WHISTLE BLOWS

So, as I said before, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes

gains an extra point. On this occasion, it was Paul Merton.

So, at the end of that round, he's not only in the lead,

he's the only one who scored any points.

Hugh Bonneville, will you begin the next round?

-Welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

And here's something which is up your street - Costume Drama.

I can't imagine why they've chosen it for you.

Talk, if you can, for 60 seconds on Costume Drama, starting now.

Picture if you will, the scene of me starting out as a young spear bearer

at one of our more prominent theatres. One night,

I was performing in not a single play, but in fact two.

So there I was in the dressing room

preparing to go... BUZZ!

-Jason challenged.

-Hesitation.

-Well, no. Was it?

-It was a hesitation.

-LAUGHTER

-There were one or two others they let go.

-They were very kind!

-I'm a jam...

-It was beautiful when we all let that first hesitation go.

-He's a jam virgin, isn't he, Nicholas?

-Yes, I'm a jam virgin!

-A jam virgin!

-Yes, he's a jam virgin.

-He's a jam virgin.

-Yeah.

-I think after the fourth...

-LAUGHTER

I don't know what it means, though.

Jason, we'll give it to you. Definitely hesitation.

A point for that, of course. There are 42 seconds available.

-Costume Drama.

-You'd better be good, sir.

LAUGHTER

Oh, threats. Costume Drama, starting now.

So I was performing in these two plays at this theatre

when, after the show, somebody said to me, "You, my friend, should be

-"performing stand-up comedy."

-BUZZ!

-Repetition of performing?

-Well listened, yes.

-Very good.

CHEERING

-Good work!

-So, Hugh, you have

your first correct challenge and your first point,

and you have 34 seconds

and you still have Costume Drama, starting now.

Yerma is a play by Lorca.

In this rather unlikely casting, I was a flamenco dancer.

LAUGHTER In the other auditorium,

the Olivier, I was appearing as a Roman soldier.

But both on the same evening.

So, as a result, I had to finish my dance in one space,

leg it up the stairs, flinging off my clothes

and donning a Roman uniform. BUZZ!

-Shappi challenged.

-Was that repetition of Roman?

-Yes.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Aw! I wasn't even entirely sure.

Shappi, a correct challenge. You have the subject, Costume Drama.

Nine seconds starting now.

Costume dramas are soap operas

that are made palatable for middle-class people.

If you take the plotline of Downton Abbey

and compare it to, perhaps, EastEnders or...

WHISTLE BLOWS, APPLAUSE

So, Shappi Khorsandi was speaking then when the whistle went

and gained that extra point. At the end of that round,

she's equal with Paul Merton in the lead,

and Hugh Bonneville and Jason Manford are equal in second place.

Jason, we'd like you to begin the next round.

A lovely subject Bath Time.

Tell us something about Bath Time in this game, starting now.

Bath Time in our house happens in the bathroom.

It's a room dedicated for women. BUZZ!

-Hugh challenged.

-Repetition of room?

-PAUL:

-Bathroom's one word?

-Bathroom's one word.

It is, yeah, it is in our house. LAUGHTER

You're like me, we couldn't afford hyphens when we were growing up.

-We didn't know what a hyphen was.

-No, unfortunately, Hugh,

-it is one word.

-OK.

-So it was an incorrect challenge.

Jason, you have another point. You have Bath Time.

You have 54 seconds starting now.

It's a female orientated place with thousands of bottles.

Men don't even know what they're for.

My wife could be a terrorist for all I know,

concocting whatever going on.

I might find myself in court in a few years, thinking,

"I thought it was Timotei, Your Honour."

I use the bathroom on a regular basis,

usually once a day to brush my teeth and actually have a shower.

I bath the children, three of them. It's very difficult

to get three kids out... BUZZ!

-Shappi challenged.

-Sorry, three, sorry.

-No, don't apologise.

-Don't be sorry.

-It's a correct challenge.

-Three!

You can only get three in the bath. Shappi, you were listening well, you came in first.

And it's Bath Time with you now... Oh, how lovely! ..and, um...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He normally has a nurse assist him.

Oh, you wicked...!

LAUGHTER

I love your innocent remarks.

They get more and more innocent every time I come on the show.

-LAUGHTER

-Shappi, you have a correct challenge.

You have 30 seconds

to tell us something about Bath Time, starting now.

Bath times are a glorious time in my household. I love them.

My son, however, I can't say he enjoys them as much as me,

because, at four, he has no defence against my singing.

I subject him to all sorts of vocal atrocities

while he lies helpless in the water.

Safely!

I like to croon to my son! # Rubber ducky... #

-BUZZER

-Jason challenged.

-Repetition of the word "son".

-Yes.

Earlier, you talked about your son.

You know, he's got such an amazing personality,

I always think there's more than one of him.

It's a correct challenge, you have a point for that, and you have...

-Ooh, you got in with only four seconds to go.

-Oh!

"And tonight's big prize..." "Ooh!"

-"..it's a caravan!"

-Four seconds, Jason.

Tell us something about Bath Time, starting now.

Blokes will use whatever product is nearest to them. My dad...

-Paul?

-Didn't we have "products" before?

-Yes, you did.

-Did I? I said "bottles" earlier on.

-You did, you're right.

-Oh, yes.

-You said "bottles". Well done, I'm glad you remembered.

LAUGHTER

I always presumed there was somebody in another room checking on this,

but it's genuinely just you two, isn't it?

Not me.

APPLAUSE

It was "bottles", well done.

So you have an incorrect challenge, Jason, another point to you.

And you've still got two seconds. Bath Time, starting now.

Conditioner is one of those things that I've...

WHISTLE BLOWS

So Jason Manford was speaking as the whistle went

and gained an extra point for doing so.

Paul, the subject here is...

60 seconds as usual, starting now.

It was about 15 years ago,

I came back home after a recording of Have I Got News For You

and my then wife said, "Somebody's phoned, and there's going to be

"eight pages in the Daily Mirror tomorrow about your habit."

I said, "Well, what are you referring to?"

And the account on Have I Got News For You...

-BUZZER

-I should've said Just A Minute!

Oh! I deviated into boring stuff instead of carrying on.

I know, I know.

They're always repeating Have I Got News For You.

LAUGHTER

-And many of the shows it spawned.

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

Jason, you have a correct challenge,

and you have A Case Of Mistaken Identity.

35 seconds available, starting now.

I very rarely get recognised, I get half-recognised.

BUZZER BLEEP! Sorry.

LAUGHTER

I think it's fully recognised.

-Sorry.

-It shows you what a difficult game this is.

-It is.

-But half-recognised with a hyphen? Does that not count as...?

-No.

Paul, a correct challenge.

A Case Of Mistaken Identity, 32 seconds starting now.

The following morning, I bought the newspaper in question

and Paul Merson, the Arsenal footballer,

had a large number of issues devoted to him,

so it was A Case Of Mistaken Identity,

in case you were wondering why I suddenly confessed to some terrible incident.

BUZZER

-Hugh challenged.

-Repetition of "case".

-It's on the card.

-I'll get my coat.

Yes, you can repeat the subject.

Yes, yes, I'm learning, Nicholas, I'm learning.

I know, but it's such a quick learning process, isn't it?

Harsh!

I'm afraid it was an incorrect challenge,

so Paul has another point.

He has 17 seconds, A Case Of Mistaken Identity, starting now.

When Rudolf Hess arrived in Scotland

in around about 1941, during the course of the Second World War,

people believed at first it may not be him.

They said, "How can we be sure

"this is one of Hitler's deputies landing on our isles?

"What would be his reason for parachuting into us?"

-BUZZER

-Shappi challenged.

You breathed. That doesn't count as hesitation, does it?

Yeah, I did breathe, I did breathe.

I think my heart beat a couple of times as well. It put me off a bit.

An incorrect challenge, and you have quarter of a second to go, Paul.

A Case Of Mistaken Identity, starting now.

-You're Winston Churchill!

-WHISTLE BLOWS

So, at the end of that round,

Paul Merton was speaking at the whistle. He gained an extra point.

He's now in the lead, just two ahead of Jason

and four or five ahead of Shappi and a few more ahead of Hugh Bonneville.

God!

And, Shappi, we are back with you to begin.

The subject now is...

Tell us something about that phrase in this game, starting now.

Unless you're a pathological liar,

I don't see any reason to not keep it real.

But Keeping It Real has become common parlance,

meaning being down-to-earth.

It's a term celebrities often use

to pretend that becoming a millionaire

and living far away from where they grew up doesn't matter,

and they're still happy to get on the bus if they really had to.

Jennifer Lopez, for example, wrote a song, Jenny From The Block,

where she explained to the people that lived on her estate

that, although she might have more money than she used to have,

she's exactly the same personage as she was before. She keeps it real.

Often, young people keep it real where they have no reason to.

Oh, Hugh.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hugh, you challenged. Why?

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Because you told me to.

LAUGHTER

-It was repetition of.

-No, she deviated.

-She deviated.

I made a paper plane, that's deviation.

-Personage.

-Personage. Are you not allowed to use foreign emphasis?

-I'm not sure if that's foreign.

-Not even foreign.

It's an adulteration of English as we understand it.

-So that is deviation.

-OK, I couldn't agree more.

-That's exactly what I thought.

-LAUGHTER

I'm glad you picked it up so quickly.

-You're very good.

-I was hot on that one.

-It's my second language, so...

-What, personage?

-No.

I'm trying to get out of it.

Hugh, you have another point. You have 13 seconds.

Tell us about Keeping It Real, starting now.

The last time I was fishing,

I had a particular reel in my bag that I thought was a fake one.

BUZZER

Shappi challenged.

It's clearly not that kind of reel. That's a deviation.

It can be whatever reel you like.

If you had to say it according to how things were spelt,

we'd be here all night.

So it's that reel in this case. I apologise.

Well, if I'd got to the end of the sentence,

you might have discovered what I was going to say. You see?

AUDIENCE: Ooh! You're not in character now, Hugh.

LAUGHTER

So, Hugh, you have six more seconds

to tell us something about Keeping It Real, starting now.

And my companion said, "No, I think that is a real reel."

He was full of puns.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Hugh, you were speaking as the whistle went

and you gained an extra point.

And the situation now is...

-you're still in fourth place.

-LAUGHTER

But you're moving forward. No, you're not, you're in third place.

Shappi's one behind you. Hugh to begin the next round.

Oh, a lovely subject. I don't know if it's up your street or not.

Do you know much about him?

If not, try in this game, starting now.

I've always been impressed by Surrealists.

And Salvador Dali, with his extraordinary moustache,

is one of the foremost of this particular, er...

-BUZZER

-Ahh.

-Shappi challenged.

-Hesitation.

-There was a definite hesitation.

Shappi, you have 49 seconds

to tell us something about Salvador Dali, starting now.

I know a fascinating fact about Salvador Dali.

He had a brother, also called Salvador,

who died before he was born.

So they called their second child Salvador.

And when the Salvador that we know, the artist, was five,

they took him to the first sibling's grave and said,

"You're a reincarnation of this child."

No wonder he went bonkers.

BUZZER

-Jason, you challenged.

-Repetition of the "child".

-The word "child", yes.

So, Jason, well listened. You're getting the hang of this game.

You have another correct challenge. 27 seconds are available.

Salvador Dali, starting now.

I've never been a big fan of Salvador Dali,

I much prefer the work of Rolf Harris and maybe even Neil Buchanan

off of ITV's Art Attack from when I was a child.

I don't really like art in general.

I think most of it is a tiny bit pretentious.

I occasionally put something on the wall,

a picture, maybe, that a child...

-BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

We're not really on the subject of Salvador Dali.

We moved off, we haven't mentioned Salvador for some time.

We've had Rolf Harris.

I think you're right, that's a correct challenge.

You've gone off into general art and not Dali in particular.

I was going to come back to Salvador Dali,

because I've got a few facts about him, but, er...

It's a shame this show isn't called Just An Hour, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

-It is a shame. It's a shame.

We give the benefit of the doubt to Paul. If I can redress the balance,

-I'll give you the benefit of the doubt some time.

-Thank you.

-There are eight seconds still, Paul.

-How many?

-Eight.

-Oh, right.

Salvador Dali, starting now.

Salvador Dali was hired by Alfred Hitchcock

to do the dream sequences for Spellbound,

and what a fantastic movie it was.

Salvador got hold of the huge concept...

WHISTLE BLOWS

So Paul Merton was speaking at the whistle and gained an extra point.

And he has increased his lead at the end of the round.

Jason Manford's following just a few points behind.

Equal in third place are Hugh Bonneville and Shappi Khorsandi.

And, Jason, we're back with you to begin. The subject now is...

60 seconds as usual, starting now.

I'm not a massive fan of the cinema. I don't like sharing the experience.

BUZZER

-Paul?

-You wouldn't like Spellbound -

it's got Salvador Dali in it and it's also a film,

so don't go and see that whatever you do.

Handing out tips.

-It was quite good.

-It wasn't that good, was it?

-It wasn't worth a bonus point.

-I said it as if it was good.

Jason. An incorrect challenge. You still have the subject.

56 seconds available, starting now.

The thing with the cinema is it's a lot of people,

and I don't really enjoy the whole experience

of sharing this thing on the screen. What I find...

BUZZER

Sorry, but you said "sharing". You didn't like sharing earlier.

-Yes, you didn't like sharing before.

-I still don't.

-LAUGHTER

-If you don't like going to cinema

and sharing the experience with those people there,

how do you feel about this lot here?

I don't like it. You're right. LAUGHTER

Shappi, you had a correct challenge.

You have the subject of Going To The Cinema. 46 seconds, starting now.

I don't like going to the cinema,

because it makes me into the type of person that I don't wish to be.

-I become the person that hates tall people...

-(Person, person.)

BUZZER

-Hugh, you challenged.

-Repetition of "person".

-Well listened.

Oh, really? Yeah! APPLAUSE

I'm really into persons this evening.

Yes, a repetition of "person". Well listened, Hugh. You have 36 seconds.

Tell us something about Going To The Cinema, starting now.

One of my earliest memories of going to the cinema

was the ABC in Lewisham on the high road there.

And, this particular occasion, there was a James Bond film.

I was always fascinated by this particular brand of movie.

It was an A, as far as I was concerned,

which meant that my elder brothers and sisters

could in fact take me with them.

I was about eight at the time, you see,

and they said that they couldn't take me,

because it was in fact a double version of that letter that I mentioned.

And in the old system, of course, it meant you had to be 14 and over.

And my siblings were not prepared to...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So Hugh Bonneville kept going until the whistle went,

and gained an extra point, and he's moved forward.

He's still in third place, but he's moved.

There was only one point between them all.

Paul, the subject:

Tell us something about that fascinating subject,

starting now.

Candidates for the Fifth Beatle over the years have included Brian Epstein, the manager,

and George Martin, the producer.

There was a gentleman call Stephen - no, Stuart Sutcliffe,

who was also in the Beatles when they played Hamburg, so he has a claim to that title.

The fifth Beatle.

If we look at the people that were instrumental in the success,

and no pun intended, of the aforementioned pop beat combo,

they were indeed lucky with the people they were surrounded by.

Of course there was an innate talent within the quartet themselves,

but, without the right handling and management, that alone isn't enough.

When we look at the magnificent recorded legacy of those four guys from Liverpool,

we realise that we were listening to great musical genius.

-BUZZER

-Shappi, you challenged.

-I wouldn't say genius. I'm not a massive fan.

-Of the Beatles?!

LAUGHTER

Oh!

You're not touring Liverpool any time soon, are you?

I didn't realise it was a controversial stance to take,

that the Beatles were quite good at pop songs(!)

No, I think everybody would accept the Beatles... I mean, they are...

I'm not saying I don't accept them,

I'm not saying that they should be struck off history,

but it's just the way Paul was saying "their genius",

I felt like he was speaking for everyone in the room,

and I just wanted to say that I enjoy bopping to them in my kitchen,

but I don't think they were genii. LAUGHTER

I think that was a long, involved, and rather ridiculous explanation of why you challenged.

So, Shappi, Paul had an incorrect challenge.

He keeps the subject, The Fifth Beatle.

15 seconds, Paul, starting now.

If we look at the legacy of that group...

-BUZZER

-Yes, Jason?

-Repetition of legacy.

-You had the legacy before.

-It was a long time ago, I couldn't remember.

So, Jason, a correct challenge. 13 seconds still available.

The Fifth Beatle, starting now.

John, Paul, Ringo, George, they were the four.

Who is the Fifth Beatle?

Pete? Michael? Johnny? Phil? BUZZER

-Who was Michael?

-Michael...erm...

He was like a... He was a neighbour of John Lennon's.

-He was a roadie. Wasn't he a roadie?

-It wasn't Michael, anyway.

-I know it wasn't.

-So, Paul, you have another point

and you have three seconds to go on The Fifth Beatle, starting now.

What a load of rubbish, they couldn't write a decent hit between them!

I don't know why people listened to the Beatles, they were nonsense!

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

So Paul Merton was speaking to the whistle and gained an extra point.

He's increased his lead at the end of that round, ahead of Jason Manford

and then it's Hugh Bonneville and Shappi Khorsandi in that order.

Shappi, we'd like you to begin the next round.

The subject here is:

Tell us something about that subject in this game, starting now.

Cats or dogs? I have both.

My cat keeps it real, my dog is a drama queen.

People say to me, "Which one do you prefer?"

I say, "I love both of them equally as I cuddle my cat and kick the dog."

I do enjoy the dog.

He's a mixed breed, although he prefers "dual heritage".

What I enjoy about cats is that they're independent.

My cat will go roaming for days on end,

stagger through the cat flap at all hours, eyes all kaleidoscopey

and I will dare to ask where madam has been.

And, like a recalcitrant teenager, she'll go, "What? I was out. What of it?"

And march off to her room and listen to her music. BUZZER

-Paul's challenge.

-Repetition of "what".

-Yes.

-I'm surprised no-one came in quicker.

-No.

Paul, you got in with 14 seconds...

Are we letting the fact that she kicks her dog go?

The dog's a Beatles fan and you've never really forgiven him, have you?

Eleanor Rigby, go on, get out of there.

I'd have given it to you on that because I think it's deviation.

-OK.

-Paul, correct challenge. 14 seconds. Cats or dogs, starting now.

Well, if we look at the various characters

of two species of animals, we see that cats are independent

and dogs help the police, so I think it's very obvious

out of these two particular kinds of creature which one I prefer.

-It is...

-WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

-We enjoy it when you slip into one of your character voices.

-Yes, it worried me.

I don't know who that sounded like.

It sounded a little bit like Alec Guinness.

-Yes.

-Hmm.

LAUGHTER

Speaking till the whistle went gained you that extra point,

you have increased your lead,

and, Hugh Bonneville, you to begin. The subject matter...

BELL TINKLES

AUDIENCE GROANS

It's a little bell which tells me we have time for only one more round.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Oh, you're lovely!

Right, one more round. Let me give you the situation as we go into the final round.

Paul Merton is still in the lead, about four or five points ahead of Jason Manford,

who's in a very strong second place.

Then it's Hugh Bonneville and Shappi Khorsandi in that order,

and, Hugh Bonneville, we're back with you to begin.

And the subject is the local pub.

Tell us something about that in this game, starting now.

The local pub, I think,

is a state of mind as much as it is a physical entity.

The first time I entered my local pub, I was short-changed.

This happened not once,

but three times in the period that the landlord owned the property.

I'm happy to say that he's moved on, hopefully to a pub in the sky.

But, in fact, now the pub is a beautiful environment to visit, where I live.

-It is run by...

-BUZZER...

-Jason, you challenged first.

-Hesitation.

-Yes, we call that hesitation. You went for 32 seconds, though.

-Good.

-You'll get a point for that.

-Thank you!

APPLAUSE

So, Jason, direct challenge, hesitation,

and you have 28 seconds still available.

The local pub, starting now.

My local pub is the roughest place you've ever been to in your life.

It's on the corner of an estate. A lawless place with, er...

BUZZER

-Yes, Shappi?

-"With, er..."

With a hesitation, yes.

So, Shappi, we're going to hear from you as well on "the local pub",

and 23 seconds are still available, starting now.

The local pub is a cosy place where everyone knows your name

and no-one minds that you've been in there all night as long as you get the drinks in.

And hardly anyone bats an eyelash that your wife and children are at home,

waiting for you, and you're drinking the money

that probably should have been used for food for the said family members.

But that's OK because you're holding court in the local pub and you're...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Shappi Khorsandi, speaking as the whistle went,

and brought this show to a wonderful climax in great style and panache.

And she's now equal in third place with Hugh Bonneville,

-and did very, very well. Congratulations to you.

-Thank you.

But you were three points behind Jason Manford, and Jason was five points behind Paul Merton.

So we say, Paul, you are our winner today!

APPLAUSE

So, it only remains for me to say thank you.

A final thank you to these four fine players of the game,

and it's goodbye from this delightful audience here at the Television Centre.

It's goodbye from me, Nicholas Parsons.

Do join us the next time we play Just A Minute.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media