Episode 9 Just a Minute

Welcome to Just a Minute!

APPLAUSE

Hello. My name is Nicholas Parsons.

As the Minute Waltz fades away, it's my great pleasure to welcome you

to this special edition of Just a Minute from BBC Television Centre.

We've found our way at last on to your television screens

after celebrating 45 years of radio triumph!

APPLAUSE

So without further ado, please welcome to the show

four fabulous, talented performers, and they are

seated on my right, Paul Merton and Tony Hawks,

and seated on my left, Liza Tarbuck and Gyles Brandreth.

Please welcome all four of them!

APPLAUSE

The players will try to speak for Just a Minute

on a subject that I give them, and they must try and do that

without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

The other three panellists can challenge at any time and if

I uphold that challenge, they gain a point and takeover the subject.

If not, the person speaking gains a point and continues with the subject.

By the way, they can repeat the subject on the card.

Gyles, would you take the first subject?

Pardon my French.

Tell us something about that subject in this game, starting now.

BUZZER

-Tony, you've challenged.

-Repetition of 'vais.'

APPLAUSE

-You did repeat 'vais.'

-Oy vey! Got it in one.

THEY SPEAK IN FRENCH-SOUNDING GIBBERISH

I hope you understood that.

Now, Pardon My French.

Tony, you had a correct challenge there and take over the subject.

There are 39 seconds still available.

Pardon My French, starting now.

But people tend to say pardon my French

when they're swearing or don't want to be seen to be rude.

It doesn't bother our host. People would be interested to know...

BUZZER

-Gyles has challenged.

-Repetition of 'people.'

Correct challenge, repetition of 'people.'

You take over the subject, you take it back.

Pardon my French with you, Gyles. 22 seconds, starting now.

The person who most needs to pardon my French is an old teacher

because I was a pupil of the Lycee Francais de Londres.

The masters and mistresses,

I use the word advisedly, were all of a Francophile disposition.

Many of them were in fact nationals of that particular country.

BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

-Francophile individuals and nationals of that country -

Francophile isn't a country.

Do you see? He was referring to the country.

They were Francophiles or of that country. Either enthusiasts for France,

the Francophiles, or they were natives of that country.

No, Paul is actually right. You get a point for that, of course.

Seven seconds still available and your time starts now.

I did metalwork.

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

Pardon my trowel isn't quite the same sort of thing really.

I've not an idea what this round's been about at all.

-I think you deserve a bonus point for that.

-Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

That's the first time I've had my ignorance clapped.

-It wasn't ignorance, it was your wit.

-Oh, yes, indeed. Absolutely.

-Tony, you challenged first.

-We count that as a hesitation.

We do indeed, or "una momenta."

-Is that French?

-A bit Spanish.

-A bit Spanish, oh well.

A correct challenge so you have another point,

and you have six seconds still available. Pardon my French, starting now.

I have never had to pardon my French kissing.

It is of an extraordinarily high calibre.

BUZZER

I disagree, it's rubbish.

APPLAUSE

It was hardly worth getting drunk for.

Tony, I've never heard anybody after a bit of osculation saying,

"Pardon my French kiss." It's ridiculous.

Well, I've done it to such a high calibre

-I've never had to pardon my French kissing, you see.

-Exactly, exactly.

Why did you challenge then?

Well, why get bogged down with details? I don't have a challenge.

-I don't, really.

-Oh, right, well.

I have to be so careful here because there is only half a second to go.

So, Tony, you have half a second, Pardon my French, starting now.

Sur le pont d'Avignon...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

In this game, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes

gains an extra point, and it was Tony Hawks.

You won't be surprised to know that he's in the lead at the end of the first round.

-Liza, we'd like you to begin the next round.

-Lovely.

The subject is Man's Best Friend. 60 seconds as usual, starting now.

My friend Roger Man's best friend is a woman called Sarah Hughes

who works in a bookshop in Liverpool.

The thing with Sarah is she's very, very... oh!

BUZZER

-Classic!

-The classic problem in Just a Minute.

Paul, you picked it up first.

-Repetition of 'Sarah.'

-Oh!

-You said that as well.

I ignored 'very' but you did say 'Sarah' twice.

That's very clever of you, yes. You've got 50 seconds.

You tell us something about Man's Best Friend, starting now.

Man's best friend is undoubtedly Colin Watson.

He lives in Rotherham and any time a man is in trouble,

they go to him and they say, "My dear friend,

"get me out of this particular hole I find myself in now."

They often say that dogs are man's best friend

but I don't really know if that's the case.

My best friend wouldn't get up to some of the things that those

creatures do. Have you seen canines walking through the park?

They have the most extraordinary lifestyle.

People clean up after them which is lovely,

but whether that qualifies them as man's best friend, I don't know.

How about man's best friend being the giraffe?

A majestic animal with its long neck and its nibbling of acacia trees.

It shows to humanity that we and other species can be joined together

as we search towards truth, light and the American way!

Yes, we must go to the safari parks and unleash them!

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, it's just something I feel passionate about.

Well, that impassioned speech of absolute rubbish was delightful.

You kept going until the whistle went, gained that extra point on man's best friend.

You're still in second place but it doesn't matter.

You're only one point behind our leader, Tony Hawks.

Paul, we'd like you to begin the next round.

I don't know what you're going to do with this.

When I Worked as a Meteorologist.

After Man's Best Friend,

tell us something about that one in this game, starting now.

When I worked as a meteorologist, my workmates didn't like me.

They were a bit of a shower. In fact, I used to... What are you groaning at?

I've been given the subject. They used to rain on my parade.

I'd say, "No."

Sometimes there were scattered spells of interest

but they didn't last very long.

I could never work out the difference between the various clouds.

There's nimbus, and the other ones.

That's where I got confused.

Delivering the weather forecast after the Six o'clock News,

a nation I could see...

BUZZER

-Gyles challenged.

-Always delivered just before the Six o'clock News.

Deviation in terms of the Radio Times. I checked.

But also, it is delivered later at night after the 10 o'clock News.

After the Six o'clock News implies immediately after.

Surely the really relevant point is it's never presented by Paul Merton.

Well, because I didn't get on with them

because I had these rain-based puns that nobody likes.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt

and if I can redress the balance sometime later, Paul, I will give you the benefit.

Right now, Gyles has got it.

He has the subject, When I Worked as a Meteorologist

and there are 33 seconds available starting now.

When I worked as a meteorologist,

it was always the first day of spring because...

BUZZER

Get yourself a new calendar!

Every day was the first day of spring?

APPLAUSE

You'd have been thrown out, coming up with that rubbish.

-"It's the first day of spring again."

-I tell you what.

-This will redress the balance.

-Absolutely!

He's taken the very words out of my mouth.

-He was using it metaphorically speaking.

-It was, absolutely.

It was like saying after the Six o'clock News, isn't it?

You have the benefit of the doubt and you have

When I Worked as a Meteorologist, and you now have another point.

Oh, they're all equal in the lead.

Gyles Brandreth, Tony Hawks and Paul Merton.

28 seconds available still, Paul, starting now.

I was aware of a persistent cold front

that led all the way up to Christmas.

My work colleagues were...

BUZZER

-Liza.

-He said 'work' before in the first batch.

Right, so Liza, you've got in on the subject now.

When I Worked as a Meteorologist.

You have 21 seconds if you want them, starting now.

I was in charge of the shipping forecast and my favourite area

was German Bight, which is adjacent to Dogger, you'll understand.

The news there was we joined the Meteorology Office

in 1920 or thereabouts, after the First World War.

I had to go down and check the mines.

BUZZER

-Tony, you've challenged.

-Mines?

-She's not that old, surely!

-Really?

-Nipped and tucked.

One way of saying it.

No, no, Liza, looking at you, I cannot believe that you were there

right back at the beginning. Tony, correct challenge,

-and you've got in with four seconds to go.

-Four seconds!

And you start now.

When I worked as a meteorologist, I did a lot of French kissing

and very popular I was too...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Tony Hawks was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point.

And he's moved forward and he's just taken the lead, two points ahead of the others.

Gyles, We'd like you to begin the next round and the subject is,

oh, Drinking Games.

Tell us something about that in this game, starting now.

Recently, I happened to be staying for the weekend at Highgrove.

This is where Prince Charles lives with his second wife.

BUZZER

-Tony's challenged.

-He did an 'er,' which we count as a hesitation.

He went, "And, er."

Did I?

I imagine I was overawed by the glory of my story.

-I do apologise.

-I thought the audience went, "Er."

-I think so.

I think they were going, "Oh, oh, Ohh!"

Some of them were getting down on their knees, I noticed,

it was rather charming.

They were trying to crawl out without being spotted.

Tony, another point. 52 seconds, Drinking Games, starting now.

Every four years there are Olympic Games, but London...

BUZZER

-Hesitation.

-Hesitation, definite hesitation. A complete full stop.

Yes, I was going to say 'every' again and what do you do

when you start to say 'every?'

-Well, that's what happens.

-Yes.

-That's what happens.

Liza, You have the subject.

You have 47 seconds, Drinking Games, starting now.

I like nothing more than enticing a whole shipload of sailors

off of their boat in Plymouth...

BUZZER

-Who buzzed in, who buzzed in?

-Tony did.

-Repetition of 'off.'

She went, "Off of." I suppose that's not two offs, is it?

-It's an 'off' and then an 'of.'

-Yes, 'of' and 'off.'

The story was just hotting up.

I'm not sure we can pick up the thread now,

if I may use that euphemism.

Here we are, so, Liza, an incorrect challenge,

a point to you. Drinking Games, 42 seconds, starting now.

Our favourite tipple, of course, is a Nelson's Blood

reminiscent of that old fruity matelot from years gone by.

BUZZER

-A bit of hesitation.

-You looked at Gyles.

He resented you calling Nelson, the great admiral, a fruity nut.

-A fruity matelot.

-He was a fruity matelot, though, wasn't he.

You've got one or two fruity sayings of his.

I have. That was Napoleon.

-Was it?

-Yeah, Napoleon.

Right, so, Gyles, a correct challenge. 36 seconds are available.

Drinking Games, starting now.

BUZZER

Hesitation.

Clearest case of hesitation I think we've ever had.

Very clear hesitation. You could have made a ham sandwich in that.

I think to be fair to Gyles,

he didn't realise we were about to start.

Thank you, thank you. I'm now poised.

I say I'm poised, that's for you to judge. I mean I'm ready.

It's Drinking Games, 35 seconds, starting now.

In Shakespeare's play Twelfth Night, Sir Toby Belch, Andrew Aguecheek

and Feste, with Maria, indulge in drinking games

and sing the most extraordinary catch round.

Productions of this enjoy the drinking games hugely.

There is a lot of acting that involves leaning forward like this

and then going backwards.

"Ho, Ha, He," is not the sound that is normally made,

but repetition is not permitted in this particular

drinking game that I'm indulging in now.

A glass of schnapps then vodka,

wine from Germany, France, Italy - all those extraordinary places.

Then, of course, Algeria, where it tastes...

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Gyles Brandreth was speaking then as the whistle went,

gained that extra point. He's moved forward.

He's now in second place, one point behind Tony Hawks.

Tony, it's your turn to begin. Ah, a lovely subject. Peter Pan.

Tell us something about Peter Pan in this game, starting now.

I've always wondered what Captain Hook was called

before he had his hand bitten off.

J M Barrie never really told us that in Peter Pan.

However, it's a delightful story about a little boy...

BUZZER

Gyles challenged.

Well, just to be a bit nit-picking,

in fact J M Barrie does tell us in the storybook version of Peter Pan.

He explains in fact that he went to Eton and that at Eton,

he was indeed already called Hook.

There is a whole sequence, this is in the novelisation

published in 1906, two years after the original play.

-How do we...?

-I'm just throwing this in because this is BBC Two.

I just feel...

APPLAUSE

What you don't know, Gyles, is I've got a computer under here.

I've googled it and you're talking absolute rubbish.

-He made the whole thing up!

-Can you get the weather on that?

On this one I am right. James Hook.

There's a sequence, there's a paragraph. He wrote a novelisation.

You're saying he was called James Hook and it's just a coincidence

that he had his hand bitten off and then was called Hook?

-Yes.

-That's extraordinary.

-That what J M Barrie...

People all over the country on BBC Two are turning off now.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, Gyles,

and say that you have an incorrect challenge.

Another point to you. Peter Pan is still with you,

-46 seconds, starting now.

-I think...

-No...

-He doesn't really know who was talking before.

You said, "Incorrect challenge, continue talking."

So we both began at the same time. I challenged.

OK, let's start from the War. We won the War in 1945.

1946, we went in the Repertory...

APPLAUSE

Then we had the Beatles, man on the moon...

Can I also point out, I've been doing this show for 45 years.

Never missed a performance, I've never had a moment like this before.

Apart from 1972 through to 1978.

-You are wicked, you really are. Where are we?

-About 46 seconds.

Quite a long time to go.

I know, you've got it, Gyles. I said you had 46 seconds.

-Peter Pan with you, Gyles, so I was correct.

-Yes.

-Starting now.

The part to play, of course, is the role of Tinkerbell,

which I have assayed myself on more than one occasion.

Wendy is a delightful role also,

and of course, the name is one originated by...

BUZZER

-Tony challenged.

-I think he did say 'role' twice.

Oh, oh, oh, ohh.

Well listened. You have a correct challenge now which I agree with.

41 seconds, Tony. Peter Pan, starting now.

A young man who will not...

BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

-Did we have 'young' before?

-Yes, we did.

-We didn't.

Didn't we? Who thinks we had 'young' before?

-We had a young boy before.

-There was a repetition of 'young.'

-Did I say young boy?

-You changed lad to boy but you said 'young.'

-Probably did.

-Paul, correct challenge. You have 39 seconds.

Tell us something about Peter Pan in this game, starting now.

Peter Pan - young boy, lad, adolescent.

BUZZER

Liza challenged.

I just thought there was a bit of that gap between lad and adolescent.

-There was, but not enough to give him hesitation, really.

-Just saying.

So, Paul, an incorrect challenge. You have another point.

You have 36 seconds, Peter Pan, starting now.

J M Barrie, as Gyles said, created this timeless immortal creature

back at the turn of the last century.

What a magnificent story. It's been...

BUZZER

Tony challenged.

I don't think it was the turn of the last century,

it was the century before.

Has anyone got a calendar? OK, let's go back to the War.

1945, we beat the Germans then there's the Beatles then there was space, Margaret Thatcher.

Wasn't the turn of the last century when we turned from the 20th to the 21st century?

He did it at the turn of the 19th and 20th century.

-Maybe that's right.

-That is right.

So it was the turn of the 19th century so you're incorrect.

-Yes, I am.

-Yes, that's right.

I'm glad we're in total agreement on that.

Right, so, Tony, another point. 27 seconds, Peter Pan, starting now.

Like Peter Pan, our esteemed host refuses to grow old.

Look at him, he's wearing shorts under there like a little lad

and he was parading...

BUZZER

-Paul challenged.

-Repetition of lad.

APPLAUSE

We did have a lad before, so, Paul, correct challenge.

You have 19 seconds on Peter Pan, starting now.

I remember the cartoon version very well.

Made by Walt Disney sometime around 1960-something, I think.

BUZZER

-Gyles challenged.

-1954.

Yes. It is '54, I think he's absolutely right.

-Sometime around 1960 given the course of time.

-I think so.

I gave the benefit of the doubt against you last time.

The wrong decade - '55 maybe, '53, '51.

1960-something or other, surely?

It was the same century!

But you wouldn't know which century that was!

That's true, I don't, actually.

You see how passionate they get about this game!

They will fight for their points like this!

You've all gone very quiet.

Anyway, no, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Right, 13 seconds available, Paul. Peter Pan, starting now.

Wendy was a name that was invented specifically for the play.

Nobody had been... Oh.

BUZZER

Gyles, you got in this time correctly.

-Yes, hesitation.

-Absolutely.

You didn't get through before but you've got the subject anyway.

Eight seconds, Peter Pan, starting now.

In any production of Peter Pan in which I intend to appear,

I hope the role of Hook...

BUZZER

-Tony challenged.

-Third time he said 'role.'

No. This was... I suppose, yes.

APPLAUSE

You listened well, Tony.

I loved the way his machinations were going there.

"I can get out of this, I can get out..."

But he couldn't.

This round has gone on for an awful long time, hasn't it?

Three seconds still available. Tony, Peter Pan, starting now.

What an amazing part for any actor to play. To tread the boards...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Tony Hawks speaking as the whistle went gains that extra point.

He's in a strong lead ahead of Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth, equally second place.

Liza bringing up a magnificent third place.

Paul, we'd like you to begin the next round.

Oh, a very pompous subject.

Sir Isaac Newton.

Tell us about Sir Isaac Newton in this game, starting now.

Sir Isaac Newton had a pet tortoise called Fluffy.

This creature was a magnificent visionary.

It said to Isaac Newton one day, "You know, I've been thinking about the law of gravity."

"What particular aspect of that subject you've just mentioned

"do you wish to talk to me about?" said Isaac Newton.

His round, hard-shelled companion said, "If we look to the skies,

"we can see meteorites and various planetary bodies heading towards us,

"but how come they do not break the Earth's atmosphere?"

Some do. Others penetrate. They come down...

BUZZER

-Tony challenged.

-Was there repetition of 'penetrate?'

-No.

-"How come they don't..?"

What an odd word to imagine I said twice!

Reverie!

I thought he said "They penetrate the atmosphere" and again.

I wasn't really listening. I'm not the one to speak to.

To be honest, with a tortoise, you're never sure what they're saying.

You don't know, they're very slow.

I don't believe a tortoise spoke to Isaac Newton!

It wasn't called Fluffy anyway.

You didn't challenge for that, so an incorrect challenge, Paul.

You have Sir Isaac Newton still and 26 seconds starting now.

Isaac Newton became a member of the House of Lords, I believe,

and the only utterance he ever made

in his entire attendance in that venerable building was to ask

if somebody would mind if he opened the window. This is a true fact.

BUZZER

Liza challenged.

Actually, I think it's, "Would you mind if you shut the window?"

It is, you're right.

APPLAUSE

That's why we have you, Liza, for your erudition and knowledge.

Right, you got in with a correct challenge and 13 seconds to go.

Sir Isaac Newton, starting now.

Sir Isaac Newton was a premature baby,

born ridiculously enough on Christmas Day,

three months after his father passed on.

His interesting life began with his mother taking care of him

because she was very worried...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Liza Tarbuck was speaking as the whistle went

and gained that extra point.

She's moved forward. She's still in fourth place but she's moved forward.

She's in a very strong fourth place. Points are secondary.

BELL RINGS

Oh. Means we've only got time for one more round.

I was going to check because I thought my mother was calling me in for afternoon tea.

Either way, you might be amused to know that Sir Isaac Newton

was also born in Grantham, the town where I was also born.

You couldn't care less, really.

What was it that fell on your head then?

-The reaction from that audience there!

-The tree.

We've got time for one more round. Gyles, it's your turn to begin.

-Oh, Speed Dating.

-He's an expert.

60 seconds starting now.

You live and learn, then you die and forget it all,

and speed dating is an experience that I have had and it was brief.

I'm sorry to tell you, I arrived at the speed dating parlour.

It was a public house, girls all lined up.

I sat down and none of them sat down with me.

BUZZER

-Tony.

-Yes, you're right.

-Two sat downs.

-Two sat downs.

I'm glad I didn't because this was a very bitter story.

Tony, you challenged. You have speed dating.

You don't have it but that's the subject.

45 seconds starting now.

Many years ago, I played the piano in a wine bar

where they decided to hold some speed dating.

It was extraordinary.

People sat down, then another person would be rolled in opposite.

A clock would start and they'd chat. The minute,

a bit like this game, would be up and they'd move on to somebody else.

It was extraordinary.

BUZZER

-Liza, you challenged.

-Two extraordinarys.

Yes. Well spotted.

Liza, You've got in on this last subject.

There are 27 seconds, speed dating, starting now.

I can't really see the point of speed dating

because I think it's all about giving the other person the eye,

not really getting to know them.

Don't...

BUZZER

-Paul, you challenged first.

-Hesitation.

-I was just stopped with him doing that.

-How can you..?

-Were you being interfered with?

-I was, I was being messed about.

I was going to say, how can you say speed dating..?

Chauffeur's window, can't hear you.

APPLAUSE

You get a bonus point for your reaction there,

for your comment and your wit which got a wonderful reaction from the audience.

Liza has another point. Give her two, she needs them.

Give her three because it's the last round. That's better, yes.

Paul, you had a correct challenge.

Speed dating, 19 seconds, starting now.

There I was going round with Lewis Hamilton.

He was doing about 120 mph

and I was trying to catch up with him at Brands Hatch

and I suddenly shouted through the cockpit window, "I love you.

"You are the world's most exciting racing driver as far as I'm concerned."

Then he was gone. Then I saw somebody else right behind him.

I thought, "I shall adjust my eye towards this man here.

"This Formula One driver..."

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went

and gained that extra point.

It remains to me to give you the final situation.

Well, with a little bit of help from me just then, Liza Tarbuck

and Gyles Brandreth and Paul Merton are all equal in second place.

APPLAUSE

But Tony Hawks got a few more points, shall we say,

Tony, you're the winner today.

APPLAUSE

And it only remains for me to say a final thank you

to these four fine players of this amazing, impossible game.

It's goodbye from this delightful audience here at the Television Centre,

it's goodbye from me, Nicholas Parsons,

and goodbye from these four lovely players of the game.

Do join us again the next time we play Just a Minute!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd