Pig Lead Balloon

"I know there have been brief moments of happiness,

"but they've been overshadowed by my feelings of despair.

"My career is finished.

"I can see no way out but to end it all.

"By the time you read this, my darling wife, my lovely daughter,

"I will be gone forever.

"Goodbye."

Said Colin. And then he shoots himself.

-What do you think? Any good?

-It's quite a gloomy start for a novel.

Maybe you're right. Maybe he doesn't kill himself right at the beginning.

You might get more mileage out of him if he doesn't.

I'm not sure about the name Colin either.

# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain... #

Can you tell them I'll get back to them?

Darren, Dean, Dexter. Dexter.

It's just not the sort of thing I'd normally do.

Let me think about it, can I?

All right, Izzy.

Bye.

Hm. Bit late.

-Problem?

-It's a bit of a funny one.

The Sunday Times want to do one of those "at home with" articles.

-What, about us?

-Well, they didn't actually mention...

Er...yeah, I suppose it would be.

-Well, what did you say?

-I said I'll think about it.

-Don't think about it. Say we'll do it.

-It'll be the usual thing.

Woman runs a successful business. Yippee, let's look in her kitchen.

-It might all be a bit cheesy.

-It won't. It's the Sunday Times.

It's not like they've asked you to do a spread for Nuts magazine.

We're precisely the kind of couple that they want.

We're arty, successful, make our own bread.

Since when?

We would if that bloody machine had worked.

-Or if you put yeast in.

-Come on, think about the publicity.

For you and the agency.

And if the fact that I'm writing a book comes up, then that won't do any harm.

Mm. "Come in, do sit down. This is my husband's novel."

-I'll have written loads of it by then.

-You don't even know what it's about yet.

It's coming along.

What do you think of Drayton as a name?

I think he'd have shot himself sooner.

Apart from anything, we do actually have quite a nice kitchen,

so if he did want to take some photos of me and you, then what harm...

Rick, look, I just need to sleep on it.

Yeah, sure. Sure, good idea.

BIRDSONG OUTSIDE

CLUNK

SIGHS

-So, have you decided?

-What?

About the article. Yes or no?

SIGHS

-The Sunday Times?

-Yeah, in the magazine section.

Congratulations.

I didn't really want to do it, but Mel was keen, so in the end I agreed.

-That's nice of you.

-In a way,

it's probably not a bad time for me to put myself back in the public eye.

Any year now would be handy.

So, Rick, do you have any gigs coming up?

I haven't got time for gigs. I'm working on something else.

-So, what is it?

-It's...

It's something quite big that doesn't actually involve you, so...

So is, er...is that it there?

All right, you might as well know I'm writing a novel.

OK. You got a publisher?

Not yet, no.

-So what's it about?

-It's an idea that came to me.

-What is it?

-It's...it's complex.

You'll just have to wait until it comes out.

-And get someone to read it to you.

-Well, I'll let you get back to it.

Thanks for the instant coffee. Disgusting as usual.

-Pleasure.

-Oh - I've got this book I'm gonna lend you.

The guy's name's Isaac Menzen. It's all about plot, structure, characterisation.

You know what? I'm...I'm fine.

You can't really learn that stuff. You've either got it in you or you haven't.

Eduardo.

Ed...

Eduardo. Eduardo...

tilted his hat

towards the rain.

He felt the...

..cold steel...

of the...

knife...

against...

No, gun. The gun.

He was...

SIGHS

What are my guilty pleasures?

Malt whisky.

Um...I play a lot of...I play a lot of poker. Too much poker.

Strictly off the record. Don't quote me on that.

I do most of the cooking. I, um...

Yeah. Mel...

-SIGHS

-..prefers not to cook.

Er...Moroccan mostly. Yeah, that's my...my big thing.

I'm thinking of putting that into a...a character in my novel.

What? Yeah, yeah. No, I'm writing a novel at the moment. What's it about?

Er...it's about, er...

this guy called Eduardo and, um...

..yeah, he...he's a sleuth.

He's a...a kind of...

He's a...

He's a kind of a...

He's a...

CHUCKLING

-TUTS

-Sam.

Yeah, Sam, can you keep the noise down? I'm trying to write.

-What?

-I'm trying to write!

Oh, sorry. VOLUME OFF

-Er...I thought Marty had gone.

-Yeah, he has. I'm writing on my own.

My novel.

-Is that like a book?

-Yeah, Ben, like a book, only better.

So, that'll be, like, in bookshops?

That's generally where they sell books, so yeah.

-They sell them in Sainsbury's. Tesco's.

-Yeah.

-Oh, I think they have them in Asda.

-Morrisons as well.

-Lidl.

-Yeah, all right, I get the...

-They sell books in Lidl?

-Don't know, really.

We're boycotting it because of the way they treated Spikey.

Really?

Yeah, they got a bit mad because he wrote off one of their forklifts.

-Oh, I didn't know he worked there, so...

-Er...he doesn't. He just borrowed it.

He just borrowed it? And they didn't like that?

-No.

-The security guard was yelling at him,

going like, "Get off, it's dangerous."

-Over-reacting.

-Exactly.

-SNIFFS

-Has someone been smoking something in here?

Um...

Oh, yeah, I think that might have been me.

Look, if you must do that, do you mind doing it in the garden?

Yeah, that's fair enough.

Yeah, sorry, Dad, it's just because we were watching television, so...

Life is full of hard choices like that. If you could...

-Yeah, no problem, no problem.

-Good luck with the novel.

Oh, thanks, yeah. I'll... I'll let you know when it's on sale in Iceland.

Yeah, I don't think they sell books in Iceland.

Yeah.

Anyway, you're early today. What's the matter? Wet the bed again?

CHUCKLES One of Marty's. Where is he? Off doing his own thing?

No, no, it's more the other way around, really.

Anyway, no, I just wanted to get out of the house. A bit hectic at the moment.

-Oh, yeah? What's up?

-Oh, it's...it's a bit of a funny one.

The Sunday Times are doing this piece about me and my lifestyle.

Oh, how awful. So, anything else on work-wise apart from the interview thing?

Yeah, yeah. No, I've got loads on, actually.

I'm, er...I'm writing a novel.

Oh, really? So, you've got a publisher and everything?

No, no. No, it's not the way they do it these days.

It's better to write it first then send it in, start a bidding war.

-Oh, I had no idea that's how it works.

-Mm-hm.

Only, I've been working on a novel. Well, I say "working".

I can't seem to settle on an idea. I've got so many of them.

-Oh, tell me about it.

-Ha.

So, er...these...these ideas you've been having for your novel,

what...what sort of things?

Oh, all sorts of things, probably no good.

-You don't want to hear those.

-Yeah, I do.

Well, there is one that I keep coming back to, but, er...

-No, go on.

-Well, what it is...

There's this bloke and he's got psychic powers.

Psychic?

Mm, and he has a vision that his entire town's going to be destroyed.

-Oh, yeah, I see, and he...

-He tries to persuade everyone to leave.

Right, and...and then they...

-They go off on a journey.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought so.

Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah. Dah-dah-dah. So, er...what happens in the end?

Oh, that's where I'm stuck.

Can I interest you in the tagine?

-What?

-Today's special, the tagine.

-What's...

-It's Moroccan.

Oh, no, I'll have a baked potato.

One baked potato.

RAPID FOOTSTEPS

-Hi, Magda.

-Hello.

So, er, about tomorrow.

-Yes, I know. Mel has interview.

-Yeah, well, it's both of us, actually.

So, I will do special tidy so house is nice for newspaper person.

Yeah. So, what time will you be leaving?

I don't know. I could stay if you want.

Ah, no, that won't be necessary so if you can make sure you,

-you know, by one o'clock.

-Yes.

It'll only cause confusion, won't it? You know, "Who's she?

-"Where's she from?"

-They will ask this?

No, cos you won't be here, cos you're gonna leave at one o'clock, aren't you?

-I found these. You know whose they are?

-Ah, yeah, they're mine, I'm afraid.

I have to wear them these days for writing the novel.

-They don't do anything.

-They do, actually.

-They're quite strong. That's why I...

-No, look. It's same.

That's not really the point. It's when you wear them it makes the difference.

-You do not need these.

-With respect, Magda,

you're not a qualified optician, are you? Or chemist.

You going to wear these for interview?

Don't know. Might do. Hadn't really thought about it.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got some things to get on with.

MUSIC: Slight Figure Of Speech by the Avett Brothers

# They say you've got to lose a couple of fights to win

# It's hard to tell from where I'm sitting

# They say that this is where the fun begins

# I guess it's time that I was quitting

# A slight figure of speech

# I cut my chest wide open

# They come and watch us bleed

# Is it art like I was hoping now?

# They said "I hope that you will never change"

# I went and cut my hair

# They said, "Don't take your business to the big time"

# I bought us tickets there

# A slight figure of speech

# I cut my chest wide open

# They come and watch us bleed

# Is it art like I was hoping now? #

KEYS JINGLE

-Good day?

-Yes. Why?

Oh, nothing, just asking.

-Something wrong?

-Just wondering what sort of day you had.

-It was all right.

-Good.

-Why are you being like this?

-Like what?

Oh, that's what I was gonna say. Before you go into the kitchen...

Go on. What have you done?

You're making out it's a bad thing before you even know what it is.

Oh, no.

Oh, well done. You've bought a pig.

No, I...I haven't brought it. I'm borrowing it for a couple of days.

-Oh, that's all right, then.

-PIG GRUNTS

I just thought when we do this interview, it would look good if we had a pet.

A pet pig.

I honestly think it's the sort of thing a couple like us would have.

Well, it's not, because if it was, then we'd have one.

It's quirky. It makes us look interesting.

No, it makes us look like we've got a pig in our house.

They're very clean animals and incredibly intelligent.

Good. Well, then, no doubt he'll understand why he's got to go.

It's just set dressing, you know, jazzing it up a bit.

Instead of any old celebrity couple, we'll be the cool couple with a pet pig.

We're not a celebrity couple, and it's not cool to have a pet pig.

-I'll say it's mine.

-Fine, if you want to look like an idiot.

Rick.

-It's naff.

-You think so?

Yeah, you might as well have one of those gold bathrooms

with a heart-shaped Jacuzzi.

-Well, you haven't been upstairs yet.

-Ha-ha-ha(!) Get rid of it.

PIG GRUNTS

Shame, really. He's...he's settled in quite nicely.

He slept well, in the end.

-I'm glad someone did.

-I mean, all of this is not his fault.

If he sees food, he's bound to want to eat it. It's no worse than having Ben to stay.

OK, I'll be back by one and...

-Yeah, yeah, he'll be gone.

-PIG GRUNTS

-Oh, I have...

-You remembered. Thanks.

Can you put them in the big glass vase? Don't worry about the ironing today.

Oh, and there's a pig in the kitchen.

Yes.

Pig?

Rick will explain while he's helping you with the cleaning.

Mel has said there is...

Oh, there is pig in kitchen.

Yeah, well spotted.

Why do you have this pig?

It's a long story. Mel and I thought it would make a nice pet,

but Mel's changed her mind, so we have to get rid of it.

-You want me to kill pig for sausage?

-No. Not really.

I'm going to take it back to the pet shop.

If you wanted pet, why did you not get cat?

They're hardly very interesting, are they? Besides, you'd probably kill that as well.

In my country we used to hunt for pigs.

-Yeah, that's wild pigs. This is...

-No, was not wild, was neighbour's pigs.

-You used to hunt your neighbour's pigs?

-Yes, very easy.

You wait until neighbour is sleeping

and then you make noise like pig

and they come to you and you can catch and, "Kkrkk!"

and take with you.

Clever.

Anyway, I must get on with Hoover.

SNORTS

HE SIGHS

Oh, hello, Rick, sorry to bother you.

-Have you got a minute?

-Er...not really.

Only I was hoping you might help me clear something up.

Yeah, like I said, I'm a bit busy, so maybe ask someone else.

I would normally, but it's a bit of a puzzle, really,

-concerning yourself.

-Puzzle?

I've just dropped in on my mother and found her in a bit of an excitable state.

She's convinced you've got a pig in the house.

What? A pig?

She said she saw you getting out of your car with a pig.

-When was this?

-Yesterday about, er...2.30.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. What would I be doing with a pig?

Well, I know it sounds unlikely,

but you do realise that if you did have a pig...

But I don't, so...

..then it would need to be registered with the appropriate authorities.

I'm sure it would, but I don't have a pig, so I won't need to register it, will I?

Oh, right, good. Well, sorry to have troubled you.

Yeah. Clive, it's none of my business

but have you ever considered that maybe your mother is starting to get confused?

-How do you mean?

-She's 85, Clive.

I know how old she is.

Well, you know, dementia, seeing things. That's how they go sometimes.

Sorry.

No, no, no. No, I...I don't think she's, um...

-I'll maybe have a word with her doctor.

-I would. I really would.

They can do a lot nowadays, medication-wise.

I mean, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

I was watching this documentary the other day, and they were...

Oh, hang on. Maybe...maybe she saw this pig.

Oh, come to think of it, that's probably what it was.

Yes. Come to think of it.

Oh, well, puzzle solved!

And at least we know your mother hasn't gone all...you know. Yet.

GRUNTS

I just thought you'd be the perfect person to look after it.

A pig? Yeah, sure. You got any cattle you want me to look after as well?

Cos there's room in my apartment, and I'm real easy about that kind of thing.

Look, he wants to meet you. Listen, he wants to talk to you. Listen to this.

-Talk to Marty.

-GRUNTS

Yeah, hear that? That's your language, isn't it?

Yeah, and he's saying, "I want to stay with Rick."

Oh, come on, it'll only be for one day.

Oh, while you're at it, why don't you throw in a herd of zebra?

Yeah, very funny. I can tell you don't really want to help.

-Gee, I'm sorry. Is that how it sounds?

-Yeah, you know what? Thanks for nothing.

-You are joking.

-Not really.

What, here in my restaurant, a live pig?

Yeah, well, it doesn't have to be in the restaurant.

-Oh. So, what, in the kitchen?

-Why not?

-Why not?

-I mean in the back yard.

Rick, I'd like to help, honestly,

but I draw the line at having to pay a sizable fine.

Oh, if that's more important than our friendship.

I'm afraid it is.

MUSIC: "I Took It Out On You" by Newton Faulkner

# Of all the people in the world I took it out on you

# Even after all the things you've done for me, what a thing to do

# You won't let me down, don't let me down

# But I let you down, it's true... #

Do you mind if Alan just snaps away while we chat?

Oh, no problem. Yeah, feel free.

OK, well, thank you for agreeing to do this. It's basically...

You're welcome. Always happy to take time out from my, er...things.

So, tell me about the house. How long have you lived here?

-We moved in about three years ago and...

-RICK SIGHS

Was it three years? God, it doesn't seem that long, does it?

Blimey, I suppose it was. Yeah, it was three years ago.

And did you do a lot to it when you moved in?

-All the usual things.

-Usual stuff.

-We took out the swirly carpet.

-Oh, yuck.

-There was that wood-chip wallpaper.

-It had to go. God.

And the kitchen was in a bit of a state.

We basically brought the house from this old couple.

So you can imagine, it was just...

What?

Well, it really stank and it just wasn't very nice, no.

Is the coffee all right?

Yes, it's fine, thank you. Did you choose the colour scheme?

It's fair trade, the coffee. Always been big on that.

Always been anti-poverty and pro...fairness. Yeah.

So, I have to ask, what's it like living with someone so successful?

Yeah, it's just normal, really.

I don't...don't think of us as being...

Because some men might find it difficult, the woman being the main breadwinner.

-Well, that hasn't always been the case.

-No, no, it hasn't. No, I've been...

Your friends don't tease you for being a house-husband?

No, cos that's not what I am. You're barking up the wrong tree there.

I'm...I'm going to get some biscuits to go with the coffee.

CLEARS THROAT

Where are the biscuits? The nice shortbread ones?

-Er, gone.

-Well, I'll have to take those.

Yeah, sure. Er...by the way. Do you know there's a pig in your shed?

-Yeah, I do. Don't go mentioning it to...

-Well, WAS.

-What do you mean, "was"?

-Er...he's not in there any more.

-You haven't let him out, have you?

-No.

-Well, might have done, to be honest.

-What do you mean, "might have done"?

-Well, he sort of, like, pushed past.

-Then he started eating the compost heap!

-Ssh! Where is he now?

-Don't know. He's probably in the house.

In the house?! Why did you let him in the house?

- I didn't. - He just sort of followed us in.

Yeah, and then went off.

You're gonna have to get that pig back in the shed now.

Ben, Sam, this is serious. I want that pig back in the bloody shed.

-Yeah, no worries.

-Ssh!

Yep, just biscuits.

Here we are. Just...just help yourself.

I think we're all right. So, do you want to see the rest of the house now, then?

-Mm, yeah, that'll be great.

-Oh, I wouldn't do that, not now.

I was just going to make some more coffee to go with the biscuits.

-Um...well, I'm all right, thank you.

-You'd like more coffee, Alan?

-No, thanks.

-So, shall we start upstairs, then?

Well, do we have to look round the rest of the house?

I mean, this is really the nicest room. Why don't we stay here?

-Let's start with the bedroom.

-Hang on, hang on.

She hasn't even asked me about my writing yet. We've got all that to talk about.

I...I didn't realise you wrote.

Me? God, yeah. No, I write like a...

Yeah, I'm...I'm writing a novel now.

OK. Um...what's it about?

Er...what's that about? That's... Ha-ha.

That's a big question.

That...that's the big one. Yeah, it's...

What it is, it's...

What it's about is,

this bloke who has a vision that his whole town is gonna be destroyed

and he has to persuade everybody who lives there,

um...to follow him on a journey.

And it just goes on from there.

Isn't that just Watership Down with people?

HE CHUCKLES

Nah. No, no, you don't want to worry about that. That's... that's a kids' book.

This isn't. This isn't. This is deeper than that.

-It's got...works on lots of levels.

-Right.

Alan, could you get a few more shots of Mel in here?

-And is it all right if I use your loo?

-Of course.

-You want to use the loo? What, now?

-Yes.

-Fair enough. I'll show you where it is.

-It's, er...just in the hall.

Yeah, but still, er...

If you want to...

It's just here.

Yeah, that's fine, if you want to...

-GRUNTING

-What was that?

-What was what?

-That. It sounded like a pig.

Oh, that. Yes.

Yes, that.

That, um...that's Ben.

He's our daughter's boyfriend and he's a nice boy. He's more like a son to me,

but he makes these noises and he doesn't know he's doing it.

It's a Tourette's thing. He sort of...

-SNORTS

-You know.

-And he doesn't realise.

-Well, that must be very difficult.

Well, it is, but I've learnt to live with it.

-Has he always had it?

-Yes, I think since he was born.

-Right. Goodness.

-He just came out all...

-..right from the word go.

-PIG SNORTING

I'm just coming, Ben.

I'd better go and see if he's OK, actually, so if you wouldn't mind...

-Oh, right.

-Just... Yeah.

-So, everything OK, er...generally?

-Yes, thank you.

-OK.

-Um...Rick.

Ah, Jenny, this is Ben, our daughter's boyfriend, the one with the...

-Hello, Ben. How are you?

-Er...I'm all right, cheers. Rick...

-Yeah, in a minute.

-It's really nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Good, well, we've got quite a lot to get on with, so...

-So, what are you up to at the moment?

-Um...nothing much.

Just...just had a yogurt.

Well, good for you.

Cheers. Um... Rick, the, er...

HE SNORTS

Yeah, it's OK, Ben. I'm just coming. All right?

Well, I'll, um... Nice to meet you, Ben.

Yeah, nice...nice to meet you too. Um...

-PIG GRUNTS

-Come on, come on. Out you come.

-Are you sure this is gonna work?

-Oh, God.

-That's all the compost he's been eating.

-You could at least help, Sam.

-I'll see if he likes chocolate.

-Come on, back in the shed.

Why don't we have a look at the kitchen?

-PIG GRUNTS

-Come on!

Come on!

-What's the matter with you?

-PIG SQUEALS AND GRUNTS

-I thought you were gonna start upstairs.

-We're looking after a pig for a friend.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah, he's a bit shy.

-Come...come on.

-PIG GRUNTS

Come on. Come on and meet Jenny. Don't be scared. Come on.

-PIG SQUEALS

-Come on!

Oh, God!

-PIG GRUNTING

-Oh...

Yeah. He does that sometimes. It's a bit...

MAGDA SIGHS AND TUTS

I think this dirty will not come out.

-Maybe try hand-washing it.

-Oh, I don't want to do this.

I've got a better idea. Take it out into the garden and burn it.

-I have still got the receipt, so...

-Well, good luck with that.

So, have you heard from Jenny about the article?

Yeah, they're still gonna run it.

Oh, good.

And photo-wise?

No, they won't be using the one of you covered in pig shit.

It is actually manure.

In fact, she thought it was best just not to mention you at all.

-CLICKS TONGUE

-Right. Mm.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that.

Hey, dude. I brought the book round for you.

Oh, cheers, yeah, thanks, Marty.

Seriously, Magda, I'd just throw it away.

And, um...

Yeah.

I think so.

It outlines the three golden rules that every successful novelist follows.

Yeah, I probably know them already, but, er...what are they?

-Structure, characterisation...

-Yeah.

..and, most important of all, never stick your head up a pig's ass.

Oh, come on, Rick!

It's funny! Rick!

SNORTS

# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain

# Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane

# Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain... #

Yeah, Michael.

What's this? Another favour? Want me to look after a family of rats for you?

No. You know that story idea of yours?

-Oh, about the bloke who has the vision?

-That's the one, yeah.

-He has to save the town and...

-Go on a journey.

-I've been thinking about that.

-Oh, thanks.

-Do you think I should write it up?

-No. No, I don't, Michael.

And do you know why not? Cos your story is just Watership Down but with people.

So it is. Huh! Thanks for pointing that out.

Imagine if I'd pitched that to someone. I'd have looked like a right prat.

-Anyway, how's your novel going?

-Fine.