Shoddy Lead Balloon

'You know the Bargain Channel?' Welcome back, and next up...

It's Britain's premier shopping channel. You know Daryl and Donna?

They present a four-hour Lucky Dip slot.

Daryl's going on holiday somewhere. They want me to fill in.

-I like you in this show.

-Oh, thanks, Magda.

-Because you are not funny.

-Marty, I'm good at this. Get over it.

I'm on the fast track now. This is gonna lead to all sorts.

Mel, wake up. It's all kicked off at the Bargain Channel. Daryl's dead.

-Dead?

-Yes. Magda's gonna be devastated.

-But how has he died?

-I'm afraid he choked on a canape.

No.

They've asked me to stay on. They want me to do Lucky Dip full time.

This could be a whole new career for me.

-Maybe I'll just drop by.

-I know what this is about.

-You want to see Donna again, don't you?

-Donna? Oh, will she be there?

As I say, these limited-edition windmills are available now for only £29.99.

That's right, Donna, and in fact, these have been so popular

that we've decided to extend the offer for another week.

We have indeed, and you can't buy these in the shops, can you?

Not at all, I'm afraid. Shops just don't sell these.

They are exclusive to Bargain Channel. So, give us a call now.

08081 570 570.

And I'm going to wind her up now so we can hear her play again.

Good idea. And we'll see you after the break

when we'll be showing you a brand-new way to clean your toilet.

WOMAN: And cut. That was great.

-I think we're beginning to find a way...

-Oh, Marty!

-Donna.

-Hello, there.

-Nice to see you.

-Ha-ha! Oh! Lovely to see you.

I thought you could do with some decent coffee for a change.

# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain...

# Cos it will blow away my soul... #

- It's just not right. - Why not?

I'll tell you why not. She's my co-presenter.

That makes it wrong for starters. It's unnatural.

- Unnatural? - Yes, it's incestuous.

I introduced them, and now Marty's taking advantage.

I mean, what if the tabloids find out?

- What? Two single people go on a date? - Well, it's more than a date.

- It's typical of Marty. - I can't see why it bothers you.

Well, he's distracting me, hanging around the studios, waiting for the next break,

- fetching her coffees. - Mm, lucky Donna.

Makes you sick. And supposing he gets her pregnant. Then what?

Then they'll have a baby.

Exactly, and Donna will have to have time off.

And they'll have to find a replacement who might not work quite so well with me.

And that would be a complete pain.

- He hasn't thought about that, has he? - No, I don't suppose he has.

Not as easy as it looks, selling porcelain windmills and Sani-Flush starter kits.

It's all about having a rapport with your co-presenter.

What if I started going out with Izzy? How would you like that?

- That's an absurd comparison! - No, she's your PA. It's the same thing.

Not really, unless you're in a sexual relationship with Marty.

In which case, maybe there's something I don't know.

- You are. That's what this is all about. < FOOTSTEPS

- You're having sex with Marty. - No, I am not having sex with Marty.

I have come at bad time.

Oh. No, you haven't. Come back. Let's sort this out now.

DONNA: The things that make them commercial...

-Ten quid?

-What is it? A dog bowl?

-No, I think it's for babies and stuff.

-DONNA: And secondly, the design.

Let's just have a look at...

Sam, do you mind if I watch the news headlines? I've got to...

-What's wrong with the television?

-Mm?

-The television.

-We put it on, and it was upside down.

-There might be something wrong with it.

-It's a brand-new television.

It was working fine. Are all the channels like that?

I don't know. We're just watching this.

How's that happened? SIREN WAILS ON TV

WOMAN: Ludovic's dream of a magic...

MUSIC PLAYS 'What's your spin on your abysmal...'

Maybe it's one of those televisions that sometimes goes upside down.

-What, you've heard of that, have you?

-No, I haven't, actually.

Did you get it off the Bargain Channel, Dad?

No, of course I didn't get it off the Bargain Channel. It's a proper make.

I've got to go to work. Can you ring the helpline, see if they'll sort it out?

-We would, just we've got stuff to do.

-Yeah, pretty full-on today.

-It will just be a phone call.

-Yeah, they keep you waiting for ages.

-Yeah, they just waste your time.

-Obviously, I wouldn't want that.

But on this occasion, could you just get off your...

Could you put the call in...

-You wouldn't actually need to move.

-Er...yeah, sure.

-Yep, we'll give it a go.

-Thank you. I'll get the number for you.

If I can find the paperwork. It was there. Who's moved that?

-Er...Dad? Dad? Dad.

-Yeah.

Could you put the television back on cos we were watching the, you know...

Yeah, sorry.

< '..on radio, then on television...' - OK?

'..La-a-arry the La-a-amb spoke like that.'

So, what do you reckon?

Tenner.

Have you seen the paperwork for the new TV?

It was in there on the chest of drawers and now it's not.

-I have ironed shirt for you.

-Yeah?

-For Daryl's funeral.

-Yeah. Oh, God, it's tomorrow, isn't it?

SHE TUTS

I am very sad Daryl is dead.

Yeah. Yeah, we're all devastated.

It was in a plastic envelope about...

I would like to send flowers for Daryl.

Yeah, or you could give money to a charity if you want.

-What charity would I send?

-Maybe a...an anti-choking charity.

You know, does research into canape-related deaths.

-There is this charity?

-Probably. Who knows?

I'm sure Daryl wishes there was.

Um...perhaps...I could go to funeral.

What? Oh, perhaps. Yeah, Magda, but not this one.

It's friends and family only, I'm afraid. You'll have to find another one to go to.

You are friend of Daryl's?

Yeah.

But when you started at Bargain Channel, Daryl was in holiday...

-Oh, dear.

-..and then before, you had not met him.

It's "on holiday".

"On holiday."

We've been into all of this. Anyway, I can't hang around chatting.

Oh, and television programmes are upside down on your television.

Yeah, sorry about that, Magda. I'll have it sorted out for you soon as I can.

-Yes.

-It would have been a lot simpler if you hadn't thrown the guarantee away.

Yes, it's 18-carat gold, an absolutely beautiful piece of...

-18-carat gold equivalent.

-60 seconds, everybody, please.

Donna? Donna?

Donna, 60 seconds, if you... Probably should just...

If you want to...

I think any girl would be thrilled if you put this ring on her finger, so give...

-30.

-Donna, it's...

-Donna, it's 30 seconds, and...

-Ssh!

Well, the floor manager's getting a bit...you know.

Er...it's 18-carat gold, as I say, with a Diamonesk inset.

-Ten seconds.

-Donna? Donna?

It's ten seconds before we're on.

-And going live in five, four...

-See you soon.

-All right.

-..three...

Now, next up is this beautiful eternity ring.

It is simulated Diamonesk and 18-carat gold equivalent,

and it really is the perfect present for someone you love,

or should I say "from someone you love", Rick?

That's right, Donna. So, come on, all you gents out there.

I'm absolutely sure that any girl will be thrilled

if you put this finger in her ring.

On her ring. No, what am I saying?

No, obviously, what I meant to say was would be thrilled

if you put this ring on her finger.

Because it is such a lovely ring.

A...a ring for eternity.

A ring that says, "I love you, let's be together forever."

Or it doesn't have to be that serious, does it, Donna?

It might be more of a short-term thing.

Um..."I like you quite a lot.

"Let's, er...keep it casual, no strings, here's a ring..." type of thing.

You decide. Lines are open. 08081 570 570.

Give us a ring about the ring.

And here is a taster of what's coming up later in the show.

And cut.

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, I think I got us out of that.

What do you mean, not your fault?

-In what way wasn't it your fault?

-Well, in that I didn't say it.

Well, you might as well have said it, cos you distracted me into saying it.

-Oh, please.

-I have a lot to think about in there.

I've got the product, people talking in my ear, video clips.

-I know. It's like you're a TV presenter.

-Yes, yes.

So, the last thing I need is you hanging around in the studio

like some kind of competition winner.

At least they saw the funny side of it, so I'll buy you lunch for old times' sake.

-Not having lunch with Donna?

-No, I'm meeting her later.

-Oh, God!

-We're just friends.

-Of course you are.

-We are. In a "Let's keep it casual,

"no strings, here's a ring" kind of thing.

-Shut your face.

-It was hilarious.

Why did you have to come to the studio anyway?

-The funniest thing you've ever said.

-Can we just drop the subject?

All I'm saying is that it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't have been there.

And lucky for you it was the Bargain Channel, so no-one was watching anyway.

-Oh, thanks.

-Except for shopaholics and screwballs.

Oh, bad luck. The Bargain Channel.

You must be feeling terrible, putting your foot in it like that.

Or should I say "finger"?

-Oh, you were watching, were you?

-Oh, God, no. It's on YouTube.

-What, already?

-I know.

Extraordinary, isn't it, these days? You do something

that makes you look an absolute tit, someone uploads it, next thing you know, it's gone all round the world.

-Hm, progress!

-It's actually why we do those bloopers.

It's a viral marketing thing.

Oh, I see.

They actually want presenters who make mistakes.

Well, they've hit a gold mine with you, then.

Could I have ravioli and...

-So, the whole thing is scripted?

-Yes.

-Well, that is clever.

-Yes.

Very funny. Well done, Marty. So, ravioli and a coke, was it?

Same for me, except without the garlic bread.

Sure thing.

-What?

-"Hi, Donna. How was your workout?

"How's my minty-fresh, garlic-free breath, Donna? Mwah!

-"Eurgh! Eurgh! Eurgh!"

-You are mentally ill.

I've just realised after all these years that's what it is.

Sam, did you make that phone call about the television?

-What?

-The television. Did you ring them?

Oh, er...right. Yeah.

No, not really. Well, I didn't need to in the end, er... Ben fixed it.

-Did he?

-Yeah.

Oh.

TELETUBBIES ON TV

Well done.

-Ben.

-Hm?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

What time are you supposed to be there?

11 o'clock. Yeah.

It's a full burial and everything. He was only 52. Huh.

-Did he have any children?

-No.

I don't know, actually.

Well, you'd better find out, just in case they want you to do a eulogy.

-You don't think they might ask...

-What?

Given that you'd never even met him, probably not.

No, but they might. I am his successor. What if they ask me to say a few words?

Just tell them that you're too upset. I'm sure they'll understand.

I am upset! You can still be upset about someone's death if you didn't know them.

Look at Diana or...or JFK.

I was very upset when he got, you know, "Pkkk!" and I didn't exactly know him.

-You were two years old.

-That's sort of my point, I was two.

And then I grew up and I found out what had happened and then I was upset.

Well, anyway.

Give my condolences to Daryl's widow.

-Mm.

-If he has one.

Ha-ha-ha-ha(!)

Yes, yes, I am sure the picture is upside down.

That's right. DOORBELL RINGS

No... I agree that shouldn't happen,

and that's why I'm ringing.

No, cos I've tried that, and that didn't work either.

TINNY MUSIC PLAYS Oh, please don't put me on hold. Oh!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, hello, Rick. Sorry to bother you. Have you got a minute?

-Not really. I'm a bit busy.

-Only it's about my mother's windmill.

-Just talking to... What?

-My mother's windmill.

She, er...she bought it off you. Well, from your...from your Bargain...

Channel. It's Britain's premier shopping channel.

Anyway, she's...she's very disappointed. You see, the sails don't go round.

-Oh, I'm sure they do.

-No, they don't. They're jammed. Look.

-They're not really meant to go round.

-Yes, they are.

They're supposed to turn round and play a tune.

-Like the one you showed on TV.

-You have to wind it up with the key.

Well, she tried that, and the key just snapped clean off in her hand.

Well, I think she must have used too much force, to be honest.

She's 85, Rick.

It's not really anything to do with me.

-Shoddy goods is what I call that.

-No, it's not shoddy. It's heritage.

The sails don't go round, the musical feature doesn't work, and the key's bust.

What do you call it?

Look, I could... I could really do without this.

I've got a funeral to go to, and it's all very, very distressing.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise. Er...was it a relative?

No, it was a friend. It was Daryl from the Bargain Channel.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course. I, er...I didn't realise you knew him.

Yes, yes, I did.

-Oh.

-In fact, I was best man at his wedding.

-I had no idea.

-Well, there you go.

-I was just talking to his widow.

-Yes, yes, yes, of course.

Well, this had best wait, then, given the circumstances. I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

-TINNY MUSIC AUDIBLE

-Is that, um...

Is that music?

Mm, yeah.

Yeah, she's listening to a lot of music. It helps with the grief.

HONKS HORN

ENGINE RATTLES

ORGAN PLAYS HYMN

-What are you doing here?

-Donna asked me to come.

Uh!

-Where is she?

-She's on her way.

-Magda's here.

-I know.

She was outside. She wanted to pay her respects, so I told her to come in.

LOUDLY: What the hell did you do...

QUIETLY: What the hell did you do that for?

She was a fan.

-There's a bunch of them outside.

-Load of losers. Makes you sick.

Oh, look at her! She actually looks like she's gonna cry.

I know. At a funeral. How inappropriate.

She has no right to be here. You can't go around gate-crashing funerals.

-She didn't even...

-What, get his job?

At least she didn't punch the air when she heard that he died.

WHISPERS: Hello. WHISPERS: Hi.

Hello.

Oh, I've just been out there talking to some of his fans.

It's so sweet they've shown up.

I know. Daryl would have loved it.

We are gathered here to say goodbye to a dearly loved member of our community.

So, let us take this time to recall Daryl's contribution to our lives.

Daryl was a good man.

Let us take a few moments...

Unbelievable.

She's filming it - Magda.

PRIEST: Remember, Lord, those who have died and have gone before us,

marked with the sign of faith,

especially today when we pray for Daryl Mason.

What was all that with the water when you came in?

What?

Back there with the water.

-What was all that about?

-I'm a Catholic. That's what we do.

-You're not a Catholic.

-I was brought up Catholic. Now ssh!

PRIEST: Grant for us forgiveness through Christ, our Lord.

Look with favour on your church and accept this offering.

And see the victim whose death has reconciled us to yourself.

Bit of a song and dance, isn't it, the incense and bells and stuff?

Church of England, they just get on with it. More low-key.

None of this showing off.

-Ssh!

-Heaven and Earth are full of thy glory.

I would like to invite anybody up now who would like to partake in Holy Communion.

ORGAN PLAYS HYMN

I don't get this celibate thing, do you? I mean, priests.

Why would you sign up for that? A lifetime of celibacy.

-I mean you'd be...

-Rick.

-No wonder they're all a bit weird.

-Will you shut up?

-What are you doing?

-We're taking Communion.

When in Rome...

-But you're not a Catholic.

-It's up to me.

RICK GULPING

-Rick. Rick!

-GULPING

Cut it out!

Rick.

Rick? Rick?

HE CHOKES

Oh, my God! Rick?

Rick?

Oh! Ah!

COUGHS

WHEEZES

Oh. Eurgh.

PANTS AND COUGHS

Oh.

SIGHS

COUGHS Carry on.

Uh.

-Wine?

-Er...no, thanks.

So, how did the funeral go?

Yeah, it was...it was nicely done.

-It was quite moving, really.

-Hm.

So, no-one...

-choked on a communion wafer for example?

-Who told you? Magda?

-She was quite worried about you.

-Well, she should be.

I nearly died. It was like trying to swallow a piece of plywood.

It went straight to the back of my throat and got stuck. It was really serious.

So is taking Communion if you're not a Catholic. You'll burn in hell, you know.

I was only joining in. Everyone else stood up. It was like a Mexican wave.

-I didn't want to ruin it like some stick-in-the-mud.

-You're lucky the priest knew what he was doing.

I can tell you think it's hilarious.

People don't realise how dangerous choking can be.

-I think Daryl...

-It's about time they did some research into it.

They should start a charity to fund it.

Anyway, I don't know why Magda's banging on about it.

It wasn't that big a deal. Most people didn't even notice.

What, even when Daryl's picture got smashed?

Is the television working yet?

MUSIC: Po' Boy Soul by Tim Burgess

# I'm just a man who's trying his luck with a poor boy's soul

# I'm just a man Who's trying to achieve the impossible

# I'm feeling so angry And nothing can stop me from fighting

# I'm feeling so hungry

# And nothing can stop me from winning

# Just a poor boy's soul

# I will escape

# From it all

# I am one

# You are none

# Say what you will from the top of your hill as I touch the sun

# My work is done... #

Ah, there you are. Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking. What's the special?

-Free-range chicken Caesar.

-Yeah, I'll have one of those, and...

Don't worry, I'll cut it up nice and small. So you don't choke.

-Marty told you, didn't he?

-Hey? No, it's on YouTube.

YouTube? How the hell did it get onto...

-Magda.

-I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but it is hilarious.

That priest, "Uh, uh, uh!" I bet you were thinking, "Ooh, hello!"

I was thinking, "I'm gonna die," actually.

And then you smashed the photo.

-That's not what happened.

-It is.

-I don't think so.

-It's on YouTube.

Anyway, how do you keep finding this stuff about me?

-Oh, I've got an alert set up.

-What?

Any mention of Rick Spleen on the web, and I get a "ding!" More a "uh-er", actually.

-It's like being stalked.

-Oh, come on. Do I look like a stalker?

Just out of interest, how do you go about setting up one of these alerts?

I wouldn't bother. You hardly ever come up nowadays. There's only been

a couple of mentions in the last year or so, and one of those you definitely wouldn't want to read.

You know what? I think I might skip lunch.

Oh, you sure? I've got soup.

-Hello.

-Yeah, never mind all that, Magda.

-Give me your phone, please.

-My phone?

Oh, very good. I like it.

-Yes, Magda, give me your phone.

-I do not have.

-Give it to me now, please.

-I do not have mobile phone today.

Oh, where is it? Snappy Snaps, getting the photos developed?

-At funeral, Marty borrowed.

-Oh, Marty borrowed...

Marty borrowed it?

And I forget to ask for it back. Why do you want phone now as well?

I don't. It doesn't matter.

In fact, Magda...

..you are owed an apology.

Yes?

And I will make sure Marty gives it to you.

DOORBELL RINGS So, if you will excuse me.

-Oh, hello, Rick. Have you got a minute?

-No.

Only I was wondering, now that the funeral's taken place,

did you get a chance to ask about my mother's...

-No, I didn't.

-You were going to settle the matter.

-It's not a good time. I'm off to work.

-Oh, well, that's ideal, then.

Cos I've looked at the terms, and it's clear from the small print

that my mother's entitled to a full refund or a replacement

-if within seven working days...

-All right, I'll see what I can do.

Oh, incidentally! Er...your friend Daryl.

Daryl, the one who died.

Yes, I know who Daryl is, thank you.

Well, do you? Because it did start me wondering.

-What did?

-You said you were best man at his wedding.

-Yes.

-Yet he never got married.

It's in all the obituaries. So...how could you possibly

-have been the best man at his wedding?

-Is that what they said?

Journalists. They just make stuff up. No respect for the dead.

I don't know how they live with themselves.

-Oh, you'll be needing the...

-No, it's all right.

I'll just get you another one, or your money back, or...

Cos I don't know about you girls,

but in my experience, when it comes to peeling spuds, most men run for the hills.

This is a Turbo-Peel, and it looks like it could change everything.

I've even got Rick here into a pinny.

-Very fetching, Rick. Ha-ha.

-Thanks, Donna.

Not sure it's my colour. But there is a serious point to make here.

Turbo-Peel is so easy to use, it's actually quite fun.

Here's a carrot. Look at that. It's done in seconds. Simple as that.

And the parsnip, often thought of as the awkward vegetable.

Same again. It's done in seconds. No more tears.

Look at this. Here's a potato. Just a cinch. Don't take my word for it.

Turbo-Peel is used in many professional kitchens

so let's see what top chef Garry James has to say about it.

Hi, I'm Garry James...

Come on, Marty! Bloody hell.

It's hard enough selling this crap to all these retards out in Chavland

filling their bungalows with shite...

-Rick...

-..without you going...

That went out, didn't it?

Well.

It's been very nice working with you.

CLEARS THROAT

Thank you.

DOORBELL RINGS # I wanna get by

# But I really can't take the pain... #

DOORBELL RINGS

# Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane... #

DOORBELL RINGS

# Oh, I'm like a one-man band... #

Sorry to bother you, Rick. Did you ask about my mother's, er...

Oh, yeah, your refund. Sorry, may I?

Ah. How much was it?

There you go. You have that.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd