Off Lead Balloon

Over the next six weeks I will be teaching you

everything that you need to know about writing and performing comedy -

all the secrets, all the tricks of the trade that got me to where I am today.

Now, I can't make any promises, but if you work hard,

there's every chance that you too could make a living as a stand-up

like I did, and indeed do.

Any questions?

-Yes?

-Excuse me, please.

This is not English class?

No. Er...no. It's... I think it's down the corridor on the left.

Any other questions?

# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain... #

-So, were there many people there?

-Hm?

-Last night?

-Oh, God. Yeah, how many was...

Er...it's...it's hard to say.

I mean, obviously, it will build

as people get to find out about it and tell their friends and that, you know.

-Well, I've put the word around at work.

-And?

-It's only the first week.

-Exactly.

-And as long as you cover your costs.

-Oh, God, yes.

And even if I do make a loss, I can rake it back in the future.

You're not gonna end up out of pocket, are you?

Oh, course not, no. I am still querying the rate.

Cos I think 80 quid for a room that size is a bit steep.

You know you don't have to do this. Things are going well with the agency.

Yeah, I'm not just doing it for the money.

Good. Well, as long as you enjoy it.

-That's the main thing.

-No, I do. Yeah, I...I love teaching.

It's...what I was born to do.

And eventually, when it takes off, I'll franchise it out.

There'll be courses all over the place. I won't even need to turn up.

I was thinking next week I'll have a guest speaker, get a big name in.

Let's face it, with my contacts...

-No.

-Why not?

-Because I don't want to.

-It'll just be giving a talk,

sharing your experience and passing on a few tips.

Tip number one, don't waste your Wednesday evenings. Good night, everybody.

That's great. Something a little more constructive would be good.

Rick, you can't teach comedy. God knows I've been trying since I met you.

You see? That's the kind of thing I've been teaching them, gags like that, hm?

-Why are you doing this anyway?

-I've been in the business for 20 years.

It's time to put something back.

Aren't you supposed to take something out first?

I've got better things to do than spend my time with a bunch of bums.

-They're not all bums.

-Yeah, OK, whatever.

In fact there was this Russian woman who came in,

not at all the sort of person you'd expect in a comedy class.

Dark hair, mid-twenties. More like...more like a model, really.

-She any good?

-Hm?

-You know, comedy-wise.

-She could be.

With help. The right guidance.

But she's not gonna get that now, is she? So we'll never know.

And that's a shame.

-Hello.

-Hello, Magda.

-So, how's the arm?

-Oh, it's not good.

-I am walking on pavement...

-I know what happened. You've already...

-And I trip on...

-Yeah, you told me.

-I'm just asking, how is it?

-Oh, it's very sore.

If I just touch like...

this, and... Oh!

-Best not do that, then.

-It's good news, I think.

-Because man says I can get money.

-Man? What man?

-Yes, man on television advertisement.

-Oh, for God's sake.

Because I am falling over pavement and it's not my fault.

Well, to be fair, Magda, it was your fault,

because, really, you should have looked where you were going.

No, pavement is bad, and now council must pay compen...

Compensation. So, what if this had happened back in your...

Would they give you a load of money for tripping on a pavement?

Er...no, because we do not have pavements in my country.

We just walk on side of road and, um...hope lorry can see.

Well, once again, you're ahead of us.

Maybe that's what we should do, dig up all our pavements.

-It'll save us money in the long run.

-It's not my fault.

Wasn't it the other arm?

-Please?

-Yesterday when you came in...

-wasn't it the other arm in a sling?

-No, it's this arm that I've hurt.

Oh. Huh. Funny.

-Knock, knock.

-Sorry?

So, what should I wear? I've got a waistcoat at home.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Wednesday night. The comedy course.

-You're not thinking of coming, are you?

-Guilty as charged! Ha-ha.

I mean, obviously, I knew you were doing it, and fair play to you, et cetera,

but when I heard you'd got Marty on board,

I thought, "Hello, this is starting to sound interesting."

Yeah, the thing is, Michael, it is actually oversubscribed.

When I rang this morning, they said last week only five people turned up.

Seven, in fact. Anyway, comedy isn't something you can just learn.

What's the point in having a course, then? Anyway, what do you think? Mike?

Mick? Mickey's good, isn't it, as a stage name? It sounds funnier than Michael.

-I think you'd be wasting your time.

-My name's Mickey! I take the mickey!

You won't fit in.

Could be the start of a whole new thing for me.

They've got loads of brilliant courses. Why can't you just do photography?

-Oh, excuse me.

-Or cooking.

Tell Marty, Mickey says he'll see him Wednesday.

I think I'll leave that as a surprise.

Oh, hello! Is that a baguette or are you just pleased to see me?

Oh, God.

What's... Is this... Is that Latin? I don't...

-All right.

-Oh, hi, Dad. Do you want some?

Oh, no, thanks. I've had my lunch. Huh! At Mickey's.

-Where?

-Oh, it doesn't matter.

-What are you doing? Coursework?

-No, not really.

We're filling out this form for Magda.

Yeah, trying to get her some compo off the council.

Oh, for her arm, yeah?

Yeah, it's unbelievable they could do that and get away with it.

Well, THEY didn't actually do anything. Magda just went and tripped over.

Well, no, but it was, like, their paving stone.

It was well dodgy. She showed us pictures of it.

Oh, well, it's to her credit she was able to overcome the agonising pain

-and set up a photoshoot.

-It was just on a mobile.

Yeah, one slab was like that, and the other slab was like that.

Well, now you put it like that, it does sound lethal.

Lethal. Lethal, good word.

Anyway, why are you doing it? Why can't she fill out her own forms?

-Because she's like...

-Hurt her arm.

Anyway, Ben's really good at this sort of thing.

-Is he?

-Yeah.

Good. By the way, which arm did she hurt?

-BOTH:

-Her right arm.

-Hm.

So, when she first did it, you didn't see her with her left arm in a sling?

-BOTH:

-No.

-Hm.

FOOTSTEPS

Rick.

You know Magda's trying to claim compensation for this arm business.

Well, that's what people do these days.

What, so it's all right going around making fraudulent claims?

It's not fraudulent. She did hurt herself.

-You think so?

-Of course.

Didn't look that serious to me.

I told her she shouldn't be coming in, but she insisted.

-You haven't seen an X-ray or anything.

-It's in a sling.

What do you want her to do, have it amputated?

Well, that would settle it, yeah.

So, are you looking forward to Wednesday?

-What?

-The comedy course.

Oh, that. I don't want to think about that.

-Why not?

-Because Michael's coming.

-Michael?

-Yes, Mike.

Or Mickey, as he wants to be called.

-Is that his stage name?

-Yes, it's his stage name.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Mickey. Well, piss off, Mickey.

Oh, I'm sure he'll blossom with such a caring teacher.

When she came in the other day, just after the accident,

-which arm did she have in a sling?

-Her right arm.

No.

-This was more than I was expecting.

-It's about the same as last week.

If that's the Russian model, I'm out of here.

Oh, God, no. No, she's...she's not here yet. I don't know where she is.

Hello! I'm Libby.

-You're Rick, aren't you?

-Yeah, I run the course.

Good, well, I'm very much looking forward to...

Ha-ha! Sorry, Rick, couldn't resist. Did the... Ha-ha. Knock, knock!

-Er...who's there?

-Mickey?

-Mickey who?

-Mickey your mind up.

Are you going to open the door or not?

Ha-ha. What do you reckon? Good? Needs work?

-It's Rick's course.

-Fair enough. We can talk later.

So, who's on first, the warm-up act?

-Good one.

-Don't worry, we're mates.

-Oh, right.

-Ooh, hello. More biscuits.

Care in the community.

Oh, right!

Well done.

No, I meant...

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this. The thing is, Rick,

I've always had an interest in comedy.

-Have you?

-Yes. Yes, I have.

MUSIC: "Wicked Soul" by Kubb

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you very much. Er...well, welcome to my comedy workshop...

# I don't want to watch The Street on TV

# I don't want to hear about your day

# I've got no time to hear about how much you care

# Shut your mouth and come this way

# I'm the weirdo in your bedroom

# And I can see you in the dark

# Oh

# Tonight's the night I shed my wicked soul

# I take it out on you and watch you lose control

# Tonight's the night I shed my

# Tonight's the night I shed my

# Tonight's the night I shed my wicked soul

# My wicked soul... #

LAUGHTER

I guess my final piece of advice to you would be,

if at first you don't succeed, er... quit, cos nobody likes a loser.

-LAUGHTER

-That's about it.

If you need to talk to me, too bad,

because I'll be in an alcoholic stupor at the back of the room.

Anyway, I hope some of it was helpful and, er...anyway, best of luck with everything.

-Thanks. All right.

-WHOOPING AND CHEERING

-Bit long.

-Where's the Russian?

Thanks, Marty.

Um...OK, so one of the most important things you need to know

as a stand-up is how to deal with heckling.

So that's what I'm gonna be teaching you in this next session.

Now, for the purposes of the exercise, I'll...I'll need someone to heckle me.

But just to warn you, I will come back quite hard. So don't take it personally.

It's just so that I can show you how it's done.

So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna tell you a joke

and...and you can heckle me, and we'll go from there.

So, er...yeah, this... I was...

Went for a walk the other day, um...in the park,

and, er...there was this guy, er...walking his dogs.

He was throwing a stick for them,

and so I went up to him and said, "Oh excuse me, what kind of dogs are these?"

And, um...he said, er... "Oh, this one's a...a Labrador,

"and, er...and this one is a basset hound."

Well, not a basset hound. It's a cross between a basset hound and a fox terrier.

Anyway, he threw the stick again,

and the...the one that was a cross between...

Look, someone is gonna have to heckle me at some point, or it's not going to work.

So, anyone, heckle me and we can...

Anyone? Just...

-Yeah.

-What's the end of the joke?

What? No, I was improvising. It wasn't a joke.

So what happened to the dogs?

There weren't any dogs. It was just... Someone heckle me.

Just heckle me. It doesn't have to be funny. It can be...

-Get off.

-RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER

Thank you. OK, so that's a basic heckle.

-You're rubbish.

-What I would do with that...

-Just deal with one at a time and...

-You're not funny!

I'm not actually trying to be funny.

-Get off, fatty!

-LAUGHTER

Well, actually, that didn't work, because I'm not actually fat.

Yes, you are!

-All right, OK, you've had your fun.

-No, we haven't!

Bring back the other guy! LAUGHTER

Do you want me to teach you how to deal with heckling or not?

-Not!

-I don't need to be doing this.

Yeah, get off! Get off! Off! Off!

-ALL CHANT:

-Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

-You're wasting your own time.

-Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

-Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

-Oh...

-Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

-..just shut up!

What are you, the janitor now?

Well, I have to leave the room the way I found it, so...

-It's OK. I can do it on my own.

-They really got into the heckling bit.

-Yep.

-Got a bit rowdy, especially with the...

Oh, that's just a bit of chocolate or something.

-It'll wash out.

-Still. Oh, hey, I met the Russian chick.

-She was next door in English class.

-Yeah, well, it's probably for the best.

-She wasn't very funny anyway.

-Cute, though.

-What's Russian for "ready when you are"?

-Oh, God.

-KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Knock, knock. Hope I'm not intruding.

Not at all. Catch you later.

-I thought that was very useful.

-Was it?

I wondered if I could have a word with you about something.

-The problem is I've got...

-You see, I'm actually from the council.

Oh, look, if this is about fire exits and stuff, that's really Marty's area.

-You've just missed him.

-Not at all. That's not my department.

The thing is, Rick, I'm part of the outreach team.

That's nice.

-We run the urban regeneration scheme.

-Jolly good.

We have a budget for community-based projects.

Really?

Obviously, we're under a lot of financial constraints,

but we do have core funding, which is ring-fenced for priority projects.

Good thinking.

Anyway, I was very impressed with the heckling lesson.

Oh, thanks...Libby.

It had a lot to say about issues like gang mentality and bullying in the workplace.

Well, exactly. You know, I've always thought so. It's kind of why I do it.

Those are issues that my department are very keen to address.

Yeah. Yeah, with your... with your budget and stuff.

I mean, the way you just stood there looking so helpless

when everybody was being so aggressive towards you -

it was really interesting.

And at one point, I actually thought you were gonna cry.

Yeah, well, it's just role-play, you know,

so they can see what happens if you don't deal with hecklers, or bullies...

-or gang members, mm.

-Mm.

-They're gonna give you funding?

-Yes!

It's all part of this urban renewal thing.

I don't see what comedy workshops have got to do with urban renewal.

Neither do I, but that's not the point. Libby does.

And she's got shedloads of cash to throw at it. The whole thing's been ring-fenced.

-So, what's the catch?

-There isn't one!

I mean, you should see some of the rubbish they do.

Juggling, community drumming, child welfare.

At least my course will actually be useful, compared to them.

I'm sure council-tax payers will think it's money well spent.

Of course they will, much better to spend their money on teachers like me

than hand it out to Magda for a load of made-up injuries.

It's not made up. Anyway you'll be pleased to hear it's getting better.

Yeah, now the compensation form's gone off.

It's a scam. She's taking advantage of the system.

Yeah, that's a point. I wonder if I can claim for travel expenses.

Technically, I should...

Er...I could not finish beds, because very difficult.

Yeah, I know. Don't worry. I can see it must be, um...

Why don't you sit down? Sit down. I'll make you a cup of tea.

-Hm? Sit down. Sit down.

-Thank you.

So, Mel says you are teaching people to be funny?

That's right, yes. So, um...how...how is the arm?

Oh, well, it's better, but still very sore.

Oh, good.

So, how do you teach people to be funny?

Oh, lots of ways, you know.

One of them is, er...you have to be observant, you know. Notice things.

-And this makes you funny?

-It can do, yeah.

You know, like, er... have you ever noticed on a train

people always get up ages before they need to when they're getting off?

-Yes, I have noticed this.

-Why is that?

You think this is funny?

Obviously, that was a bad example. That was just off the top of my head.

-In my country we have very funny joke.

-Have you? Good. So, about the arm...

There is gypsy and he's, er, finding dead sheep in the road.

-So he gets off his horse and he goes...

-Can I stop you there, Magda?

We don't do jokes about gypsies over here. It's...it's a bit racist.

You don't find gypsies funny?

Not any more, no. No, we've moved on, so...

Anyway, there you go.

-Thank you.

-Hm.

Yeah.

So, the arm's getting better?

Yes.

-But you still need to use the sling?

-Yes, because it's difficult to move.

Yeah, I noticed. Huh.

Well, drink your tea.

-Ha-ha.

-Yes.

-Biscuit?

-Yes, please.

Mm.

Catch.

Oh. Sorry.

Sorry.

Why...why have you done this?

I thought you would catch it with your...

Um...have one from the packet. They're...they're just sponge. They won't...

Finish your joke about the gypsy.

He found a dead sheep, did he? Cor!

Is it...family?

Oh, no, those are some young offenders I work with. We sent them

-on a skiing trip.

-Oh, right.

Unfortunately, there's no funding for that any more.

Oh, shame. Er...but the... the comedy course is still...

Well, that's what I'd like to talk to you about.

We'd like to contract you for a two-year programme of classes.

Great, I can't wait to start.

That leads me on to the other bit of good news.

We've already got a very exciting venue

-for your first session of classes.

-Fantastic.

It's exactly the sort of community we need to engage with.

-Great. Where is it?

-Belford Prison.

-What?

-The maximum-security prison.

-Do you know it?

-Well, yeah. From the news.

The thing is, Rick, some of the prisoners there...

-are extremely disturbed.

-I expect they are, yeah.

In some cases, even their families and friends have given up on them.

-Well, yeah.

-We have to reach out to them

and equip them with the skills they'll need when they're back in the community.

Do we?

I'm...I'm not sure comedy can help with that.

The thing is, Rick, comedy can be really empowering.

Yeah, but the other thing is, Libby,

should we be empowering people who use their power to do bad things?

Well, that's a very interesting question, but all the evidence suggests...

I know - community drumming. Get them doing that, you know, instead.

Well, unfortunately, we've had to stop funding that

and anyway they're not allowed musical instruments,

because in the past they have used them as weapons.

Have they?

Ah...really not sure about this prison thing,

and I really do think, to be honest, Libby,

we should start with a few art centres.

Well, the thing is, Rick, I'm afraid we need you

to commit to the whole package, or we can't release the funding.

Interesting. Can I think about that?

Do I want to teach comedy to a bunch of wackos?

It's tempting, but you know what? On balance, I think I'll pass.

If you want to shirk your civil responsibility...

Yes, please, I do.

Well, that's a shame, cos I was gonna give you half the money and...

well, more than half the money, actually.

-But that doesn't matter now.

-No, it doesn't.

-Fine, I'll do it.

-Good, that's settled, then.

It'll look good on the CV. "Rick Spleen, mentor to the criminally insane."

Um...Rick, I just wanted to say sorry about the other night.

Um...the heckling might have gone a bit over the top.

Oh, no, no, no. That's fine. That was meant to happen.

That was the whole point of it. I was in control.

Oh, good. So, no hard feelings, then?

No.

Ah, got you! Ha-ha-ha. It was classic, though. "Off, off, off!"

And when you stormed off, someone shouted, "Come back and get off again!"

-Oh, did they? I didn't hear that.

-Hey, Michael.

Guess where they asked Rick to do his comedy class.

-Go on.

-Belford Prison.

-Oh, that is hilarious! In prison?

-She's paying me quite a lot of money.

It's the ultimate deterrent, a comedy class from Rick Spleen.

Yes, yes, I always knew his comedy would land him in jail.

-That is a funny line.

-Thank you.

Maybe I should run this prison workshop thing.

-Would you?

-No.

You tried.

So, come on, finish the rest of that gypsy joke.

So...so, the gypsy sees a dead sheep in the middle of the road,

and, er...he gets off his horse, he goes up to it and gives it a kick...

Sure you don't want a bowl for that?

-Spoon?

-Er...no, it's OK.

Only they are literally within arm's reach, if you change your mind.

No, I'm all right.

-Er...Dad, I hear you're going to prison.

-So it would seem, yeah.

Belford, yeah?

Her Majesty's Prison, Belford. That's correct.

Oh, yeah. Spikey says can you say hello to Razor and Skunk?

-Razor and Skunk?

-Oh, if you see 'em, yeah.

-What, they're friends of his?

-No, they're his brothers.

Oh, that's nice for them. They're in the same prison, are they?

-Yeah.

-Mm. What are they in for?

-Er...18 months.

-No, what did they do?

-Oh. Er...nothing.

-Yeah. No, they were framed.

Framed? Oh, no, I hate it when that happens. Poor Razor and Skunk.

-Exactly.

-Maybe they can appeal.

Their lawyer said not to bother. It might make things worse.

Did he?

Yep.

Well, I shall pass on Spikey's fondest wishes.

Unless he has a package he'd like me to smuggle in as well?

-Er...he does, actually.

-Yeah.

We thought you probably wouldn't want to.

-Yeah, might be right.

-Yeah.

-What was it anyway?

-Er...don't know. Drugs, I suppose.

-Yeah, yeah, it was drugs.

-Oh, drugs, was it? Yeah. Hm.

Ben, I think I'm gonna have to insist that we move on to the bowl.

There we go, and, er...probably even stretch to a spoon as well.

Far easier. Not to mention cleaner.

Bon appetit.

I still don't get why you had to give Magda a whole week off.

Because it's not very nice when someone hurls a biscuit at your face.

I have explained it wasn't a biscuit. It was a Jaffa Cake.

-Mostly sponge.

-You threw it at her face.

To be fair, she was being racist, very racist.

She was coming out with stuff about gypsies and God knows what.

It wasn't nice to listen to.

And besides, we do now know that she genuinely did have a bad arm, so...

Well, anyway. Good luck this afternoon.

Thanks.

Do you think they'll strip-search you?

No, course they won't.

I mean, if they did want to strip-search me, I'd say,

"You've crossed the line. I'm not doing that. It's disgusting."

Anyway, it's not the warders you need to worry about. It's the prisoners.

-I'll be fine.

-Course you will.

They only go for the pretty ones.

MUSIC: "The Perfect Space" by The Avett Brothers

INAUDIBLE

INAUDIBLE

# I wanna have friends that I can trust

# That love me for the man I've become not the man that I was

# And I wanna have friends that let me be

# All alone when being alone is all that I need...

# I wanna fit in

# To the perfect space

# Feel natural and safe in a volatile place

# And I wanna grow old without the pain

# Give my body back to the earth and not complain... #

Oh! Well done, Rick. I thought that was a really encouraging start.

Yeah, I think they got quite a lot out of it.

-It was empowering...

-Right, back off, or I'll cut him.

-Calm down, Donald.

-Back off!

Right, you stay absolutely still

or this is going into your neck, right? Back off!

I think maybe do as he says.

# I wanna get by but I really can't take the pain

# Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane

# Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain... #