Blade Lead Balloon

Hey, Michael, guess where they asked Rick to do his comedy class?

- Go on. - Belford Prison.

- Oh, that is hilarious! In prison? - Good luck this afternoon.

- I'll be fine. - Course you will.

They only go for the pretty ones.

I thought that was a really encouraging start.

- It was empowering, all part of the... - Right, back off, or I'll cut him.

- Calm down, Donald. - Back off, I said!

I think maybe do as he says.

(ALARM RINGS)

(CLANG)

(ALARMS RING OUTSIDE)

Hey, you!

Anybody so much as touches this door without my say-so, laughing boy gets it!

Right?

- Apologies for raising my voice. - It's not a problem.

I mean, ideally, you shouldn't have to do any of this nonsense,

but it seems to be the only way you get any attention

to your demands in this place, you know?

- It's...it's fine. - Aye.

So, have you been taken hostage before?

Er...er...no, it's my first time.

Let's just run through a few basics

so we don't have any... misunderstandings, shall we?

- Sounds like a good idea to me. - Right. No sudden movements, no heroics.

Just sit tight, do as I say,

and hopefully this whole unpleasant business will be over with.

(SIREN BLARES) - Got that.

Ah. That'll be lockdown completed.

Everybody has to go to their cells, you see.

Yeah, it's standard procedure in an emergency.

- Nothing to worry about. - I see, yeah.

So, how...how long, on average, would one of these things last?

- A siege? - Yeah, a siege.

It kind of depends, you know. There's so many different outcomes.

What...what kind of outcomes, for example?

All sorts. Some good, some not so good, you know.

We don't want another Wandsworth on our hands, do we?

- God, no. - The name's Innis. Donald Innis.

- I remember from the workshop. - Donald to my friends.

Not Don and not Donny. I don't like that.

- No. Donald is better, I totally agree. - My mother christened me Donald.

- I am called Donald. - Absolutely.

See, when I first came here, there was a screw that was forever calling me Donny.

That's...that's rude.

Yes, isn't it? So, I had to have a quiet word with him.

I said to him, "I said the name's Innis, but if you insist on first names,

"would you mind, please, calling me Donald and not Donny?"

- That's fair enough. - Yes. What did he do the very next day?

I come out of my cell. I come onto the landing. There he is.

Huge big grin on his face. "Hello, Donny," he says.

- Oh, that's winding you up. - I just went into a blur, you know?

Do you ever have that feeling, Rick, when you just go into a wee blur?

Next thing I know, I'm holding onto him and...

(WHISTLES)

What, over the...?

Anyway, as I say, hopefully, they'll have the good sense to listen to my demands,

and then we can all...move on.

- Exactly. - Yeah.

What are your demands, Don...Donald?

- If you don't mind me asking. - No, no, you've got a right to know.

You're the one being inconvenienced, after all, aren't you?

Oh, no. No, I'm not being...

Er...yeah, obviously I had a few other things to be getting on with.

You know, I was gonna go to the, er...garden centre.

- You were asking me about my demands. - Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah.

What's happening is they are denying me my basic human rights.

Oh, no. That's out of order.

They are abusing my civil liberties.

I hate that. When they do that, I don't like that.

I do...I do a lot of work for...

for Amnesty.

- You understand what I'm going through. - Totally.

Of course.

I do.

They won't let me...

...they won't let me

have a chess set in my cell.

Oh, blimey.

A chess set.

- That's what this is about? - Yes.

- That...that is annoying. - More than annoying, Rick.

Oh, no, absolutely. No, I can see how that would drive you completely in...

...to be angry.

No chess set? That's not right.

They're afraid I might use it as a weapon.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Maybe not, you know. You could maybe use it as a weapon.

You see, you could maybe get a bishop

- and gouge out somebody's eye. - True.

Or you could get a couple of pawns and stick 'em up somebody's nose,

you know, one up each nostril,

hands behind their back, gaffer tape over their mouth, dead in two minutes.

- Yeah, I suppose it would. - Mm-hm.

Say it was a wooden board, you could just bang somebody over the head

again and again and again.

Couldn't you? Well, I wouldn't. You know why?

Cos it's against the rules of chess.

And, more importantly, it's against the spirit of the game.

- Exactly. - Yes. That's all, a chess set.

It's not as if I was trying

to do clay-pigeon shooting in the staff canteen, is it?!

I wish you'd stop looking at that knife, Rick. It makes me kind of jumpy.

- Sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just... - (SIRENS BLARE)

Oh, hang on. Bit of action.

(SIRENS BLARE)

Oh, not a bad turnout. One, two, three, four police cars,

a riot van and two ambulances.

That'll be one each. They're maybe expecting the worst, eh?

And, er...is that a paramedic I see, with a mop and a bucket?

Just kidding. (LAUGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

- You expecting a phone call, Rick? - Er...not really, no.

Oh, I suppose I'd better get it, then.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello. Belford Prison Library. How may I help you?

Might be somebody with an overdue book.

Hostage negotiator.

No, no, I'm still here.

I was just trying to guess which, er... esteemed seat of learning you attended.

Was it Keele University?

Oh, Loughborough. Sociology?

Oh, criminology? Oh, that's very good. Mm-hm.

No, you listen to me. I've got a much better idea, uni boy.

You run along and get me a very nice chess set and put it in my cell,

or laughing boy here gets it.

Right, and I want a guarantee there's no comeback from this.

Yes, well, I'm trying to sound confrontational.

Just run along and do it, right? (SLAMS PHONE DOWN)

Hostage negotiators.

Been there, done that. So patronising.

Their wee calm voices that they've practised.

If only they'd just agreed to give me a chess set to begin with,

there'd be no need for this mess, would there?

You're right. It would have been so much better.

Yes.

Oh...

Oh, here, next time it rings, why don't you answer it?

Tell 'em I've popped out for a few minutes.

- (LAUGHS) Eh? - (LAUGHS)

- Did you like that? - Yeah.

Popped out for a few minutes!

It's a funny joke.

You're laughing at the joke, aren't you? Yeah. You're not laughing at me, are you?

No. God, no. Definitely not, no. I wouldn't laugh at you.

I...I was laughing at the joke. It was cos...cos it was funny.

But there's no way would I do that, cos it was...

Uh-huh. Aye.

Aye.

So, did you like my routine?

- The workshop thing. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

With the bloke tied up in the boot of your car.

- Be honest now. What did you think? - I liked it.

It wasn't too dark, no?

No! Well, obviously, it was dark and...and it got darker.

But, er...that's... that's what made it funny.

Yeah.

I didn't see you laughing, though.

Er...no, but there's a...there's a reason for that. I have to be professional.

I can't be seen to have a...a favourite.

- Ah. - But, er...no, it was good stuff.

Er...when you drove to Kwik-Fit to get the tyre changed,

and the mechanic opened the boot and saw the bloke all tied up and...

Obviously, you told it much better than I can, but it was very funny.

- You know why it was funny? - Er...

- Because it's true. - Oh, it was...it was true, was it?

Aye. Aye, you should have seen the wee guy with the spanner.

- He shat his dungarees. - (SIREN BLARES OUTSIDE)

Oh, I don't believe it. What's this now?

Oh, no! They've called the fire brigade as well.

- Oh, what? - Now I can feel pressure on myself.

I can feel pressure to start a fire in here.

I wouldn't see it like that. They're just covering all bases. I expect they have to.

It's not as if I'm in prison because I'm an arsonist, you know?

If I was an arsonist, a fire engine would make sense, wouldn't it?

- Quite. - But I'm not an arsonist.

No.

Bet you're dying to ask.

What I'm in for.

No, no. No, I didn't even...didn't even...

Well, I suppose it crossed my mind earlier. But, no, it doesn't matter.

It matters to me.

I know. Why don't we play a... a game of 20 questions, right?

You have to try and guess what I'm in for, right? Go on, ask me a question.

Oh, is this a good idea?

Yes, it is a good idea. 19 left.

- (CHUCKLES) - Um...

- Er... - Go on, go on.

- Er...sorry. Did... - (CLICKS TONGUE)

Er...did it involve...

um...what's it...

um...violence?

Oh, Rick. You've disappointed me now.

- Why did you have to go straight to that? - It was a stupid question. I...

Just cos I'm a category A prisoner, people leap to conclusions.

- Forget I asked. - There's so many other questions.

How long ago? Where did you commit it? How many witnesses were there?

Yes, it did involve violence. Next question.

(RICK SIGHS)

- Come on. - Were you framed?

No, no, I was guilty. 17 left.

Was...was it some sort of...

...traffic thingy?

Bingo! They put me away for life for parking on a zigzag line(!)

Behave yourself. Three left.

- Three? - Well, how many did you think?

Er...one, two, three.

Oh. Oh, yeah, it is three.

Oh, was it...was it forgery?

- Just not going to get it, are you? - I don't think so, no.

- No, no. No, I'm a businessman, Rick. - Oh. Oh, I see.

Only my business happens to be class A drugs and all the necessary activities

- that go with that. - Right.

- You know, just like any other business. - Sure.

Sometimes you just have to protect your interests.

And I will not be undercut, no.

Say I opened a supermarket, and somebody opens a supermarket right next door,

selling the same goods with much lower prices.

What am I to do?

Um...well...

sometimes they do special offers...

you know, two for one.

I...I suppose you could bring your prices down a bit.

Yes, I could do that.

Or I could send somebody round with what I call a pricing gun.

- What? A pricing gun? - A gun.

- Just extending the supermarket analogy. - Oh, I see.

In the old days, everybody had their own patch. Never any trouble. Hardly ever.

- People were straight with each other. - Yeah.

Then all these new guys started muscling in, saying one thing, doing another.

- I don't like people who lie to me, Rick. - No, me neither.

- Where's the harm in telling the truth? - Just tell the truth.

Anybody lies to me... (WHISTLES)

- The pricing gun. - The pricing gun. (CLICKS TONGUE)

- Do you like Lulu, Rick? - What, the singer Lulu?

- Yes, Lulu the singer. Do you like her? - Er...yes.

I...I hadn't really thought about it.

Well, someone here has,

as they've ripped off the front off her book to take back to his cell.

- (WHISTLES) - Oh, no. Really? That's a shame.

That's nothing. I wish they were all like that.

- There's some dirty bastards in here. - I expect there are.

- Fancy a book to read? - No.

- Sure? - Yeah.

(SNIFFS AND SIGHS)

See how you're all on edge, and I'm quite relaxed? Why's that, do you think?

I don't know.

Maybe...

I...I don't know. I...

Time. That's what it is.

You see, you've never had to just sit down and pass time.

You get very good at it in here.

- Have to not think about it too much. - Right.

That's why I'm after a chess set, you see.

Yeah, I...I see.

(DONALD HUMS)

- I wish you'd stop looking at that knife. - Oh, er...no, I wasn't.

Aye, you were. Perfectly natural.

But be realistic. What are you gonna do? Make a grab for it?

- You gonna take me on? - Oh, no. No, no, not at all.

That window's locked, by the way. Aye, that one, the one you've been looking at.

You'll find all the windows here are locked and barred.

It tends to happen quite a lot in...prisons.

- Sorry, I was just... - (PHONE RINGS)

Oh, what did I tell you? They couldn't wait any longer.

Oh, hello, uni boy. Don't tell me there's a national shortage of chess sets.

(TUTS) Oh, just shut up, will you?

God almighty, you'd think I'd asked for a million quid

and a helicopter out of here, the fuss you're making.

Are you hungry, Rick?

- Ah...er...no. No, not really. - Not fancy a pizza?

Listen up, uni boy. I'd like a couple of pizzas, if that's all right with you.

And you know what's gonna happen to laughing boy if it's not all right?

I'm gonna cut his ears off and staple them to a copy of Lulu's autobiography.

Aye, see how many jobs you get as a hostage negotiator then.

He's cacking himself.

Is he?

Right, get a pencil.

What do you fancy?

Er...can I have a...

er...

just a basic pizza.

- Er...Margherita. - Margherita.

Could you hang on just a second?

We're in a very strong position here. We can get anything we want.

Don't piss about with a Margherita.

Get some toppings, some garlic bread. What would you really like? Come on.

I'll have a... (SIGHS) ...pepperoni.

- And? - Um...pineapple.

- And? - And, er...tandoori chicken.

Er...tuna. Anchovies.

All on the same pizza? Oh, I'll not be sharing that with you. You're on your own.

(CHUCKLES) Right, I'd like one American Hot with extra mushrooms.

And one Create Your Own

with, er...pepperoni, pineapple, tandoori chicken, tuna and anchovies.

Yes, all on the same pizza, obviously. You got a problem with that?

Well, I'm not finished.

I'd like a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon,

and another thing, uni boy, I don't ever want to speak to you again.

Next time this phone rings, it had better be the governor or at least a grown-up.

Now piss off and get those pizzas!

Are you married, Rick?

- Yeah. - That's nice.

- Not actually married. We decided to... - You're not married?

No, we just live together. We prefer it that way.

See, I think that's a shame.

Well, obviously, what I mean is we are going to get married. Next year.

I thought you preferred not to be married.

Yeah.

But we are nonetheless going to get married.

Whereabouts?

Er...locally.

Aye, you see, when you give me answers like that,

I'm thinking you're... you're making this up.

No. I'm just... I'm trying to explain more fully.

Uh-huh. Told you, Rick, I don't like people who lie to me.

Sorry about that.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave When first we practise to deceive!"

- You know who wrote that? - Yeah, it was...

Aye.

Um...

Er...was it...? Yeah, thinking.

- Er... - Walter Scott.

- Walter Scott. - Yes.

So, do you like poetry, Rick?

- Yeah, yeah. - Do you?

- What do you think of Rabbie Burns? - He's great.

Isn't he?

What is it you most like about him?

Oh...

You know, his, um...

his use of language.

Mm-hm.

What's your favourite poem of his?

I...I prefer his earlier work, really.

See, that sounds to me as if you're making it up.

No, no. (CHUCKLES)

Name one poem.

Like I say, I really do prefer his...his earlier work.

Just one poem!

- You can't, can you? - No.

Oh, you're full of shite, you are. Why did you not just say so?

There's no shame in it. I only went to school till I was 13.

I didn't know anything about poetry till I came in here.

I had to fill my head with something.

I told you, Rick, I don't like people who lie to me.

(PHONE RINGS)

Er...

(PHONE RINGS)

Yes?

Ah, Mr Stevenson. Where the hell's those pizzas?

You do realise, in another five minutes, we get a pound off?

Uh-huh. Well, do you mind if we eat first and talk business later?

Oh, and Mr Stevenson... Seriously, no funny business.

Thank you.

That's the governor. Pathetic creature.

Teetotal. Collects barometers.

So, let's just run through this procedure one last time.

- We don't want any mistakes, do we? - No, quite.

So, you will open the door, you will have a knife at your throat.

You will extend your arms thus and receive the pizzas.

Got that?

- Go on, have a drop of wine, Rick. - Oh, no, I'm fine, thanks.

- You've only had a wee thimbleful, son. - Really, thanks.

Really?

You'd think they'd have stretched to proper glasses under the circumstances.

- Not quite the same, is it? - No, I've got a bottle, I've got a knife.

What am I gonna do? Run riot with a crystal goblet? I don't think so.

- (CHUCKLES) No. - Like some nutter. (LAUGHS)

"Stand back! I've got a wine glass and I'm not afraid to use it." (LAUGHS)

- So, what's it like with all that, er...? - It's OK. I'm just not hungry, thanks.

- Oh. Mind if I...? - Please do.

Not bad.

I thought with all that stuff, I wasn't going to like it,

but it's...it's OK.

Mm.

So, have you done any television, then, Rick?

Me? Yeah, I've done... I've done loads.

Yeah? Do you think you ever might get your own show one day?

- You know, hit the big time? - I...I have had my own TV show.

Seriously, cos I'm not being funny or anything,

but, um...nobody in here had heard of you.

Well, it was quite a while ago.

Oh, so it was just the one series?

Yeah, I didn't like the channel, and the channel didn't...didn't...

Er...we decided to go our separate ways, basically.

Come on, Rick, get real. Tell the truth, eh? If you were any good...

I'm not saying you're not, by the way. I'm not saying you're not.

But if you were any good, you'd have made it by now, surely.

No, it's not really... It doesn't really work like that. It's complicated.

How's it complicated?

Oh, well, it's just, you know, basically, when...

The people at the top, for whatever reason, have...have got it in for me.

Oh.

So it's the...it's the people at the top? It's their fault?

- That's why you've never made it? - Pretty much, yeah.

- So it's a kind of conspiracy? - Exactly, yeah.

So who are these people at the top that are keeping you down?

Oh, just...just people at the top, generally.

No, no, I'm serious. This is important. Who are the people at the top?

Well, the...the channel controllers.

But who's controlling them, Rick? Think about it.

Who's controlling everything?

Everything? It's the...

- Well, the...the government? - They're just puppets. Higher.

- The Queen? - No.

- America. - Higher.

Oh. God.

No, no, not God. I mean, not God. Is it Google?

Not even close, Rick, not even close.

It's the shape-shifting lizards.

Oh...

Huh. I... Yeah, I was forgetting about them.

There is an elite cabal of shape-shifting lizards

who control every major government and every media network on the planet.

- Shape-shifting lizards. - Yep.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah. That...that makes sense.

- I've been in touch with them. - With the lizards?

I'm in communication with them 24/7, Rick.

Ah.

I don't really have to be here, I don't have to be here in this prison.

I could walk straight through that wall and away any time I want to.

But I don't, and you know why?

Cos the lizards have asked me to stay here and spy.

- You see? Understand what I'm saying? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I...

- Uh-huh. You do believe me, don't you? - Definitely, yeah.

No, when you put it like that, it all makes sense.

No, no. Why? Why? You've lied to me. You've lied to me, haven't you?

No, no, I do believe you. I do.

Why did you believe all that shite about lizards and walking through walls?

You stupid prick!

I could tell from your eyes that you didn't believe me when I was telling you.

Why didn't you say something? Why did you lie to me, eh?

Well, because you've got a razor blade taped to a bit of wood.

And I haven't.

Good point.

It's not a level playing field, is it? I never thought of it that way.

See, you told the truth there. That's a good thing, isn't it?

That's a good thing. That's...that's refreshing.

It's good that you told the truth. I can see a whole new side of you now.

- Thank you. - Uh-huh.

Now, what do you really think about me now that you've dropped the bullshit?

- Oh, can we talk about something else? - No, we can't.

I really want to know. Just tell me what you really think.

You know about what I do and the drugs and what have you.

- I don't know. - You do.

All right. I suppose...

...if I did...the things that you did, selling the drugs and things...

- Mm-hm. - It's not particularly nice.

It might be a bit, er...

Go on.

...I'd be ashamed.

Good. Good. You're being honest.

You're absolutely right, of course.

It's not a particularly pleasant thing to do.

A lot of people would be extremely ashamed.

But here's the problem. What if, deep, deep down, you really don't care?

It still...it still doesn't make it right.

That's good, that's good. Still being honest.

You told me what you really thought.

That's terrific. Really, really, really. You're all right, you are. You really are.

When you're telling the truth, you are, when you're being an honest guy. Spot-on.

So, why, ask yourself, Rick, why do you tell so many lies?

- Why do you lie the whole time? - I don't know.

Cos...

I...I suppose...

...I prefer life...

...when it's my version.

When something doesn't happen the way you want it to...

...just say it did, and it's not so bad.

It's just...it's the way I've always been.

I...I remember at school when I was six, the Nativity play,

er...I...I was cast as the sheep

and I really wanted to be Joseph, but I...I was cast as a sheep.

And, I...I don't know why, I went home and told my mum

that I'd been asked to play the part of Joseph

and...and she was... she was delighted,

and...and for a couple of days, it felt great.

But then for the next four weeks,

I had to keep up the pretence that I was playing this lead role,

and, er...I even rehearsed his lines in front of her and...and everything.

Anyway, a few days before the play,

obviously, I had to tell her that I wasn't gonna be playing Joseph after all,

so I...I said I'd swapped with a boy who was playing a sheep,

because his pet sheep had died and he didn't like being reminded of it.

I was doing a gig in this particular club in the middle of this Butlins-type place,

and I'd...I'd completely forgotten that when I'd rung the manager to get the gig,

I had said that I do pyrotechnics in my act.

Er...again, a lie.

I...I don't know why I said it.

Er...probably to make him think it was the kind of act he would like to have.

Just to make him like me, I suppose.

Anyway, about an hour before the show,

this health-and-safety bloke turned up at the...

(CREAKING)

(CREAKING)

# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain... #

Basically, it was just a matter of calming him down,

and then I seized my moment, overpowered him,

- and escaped. - So, was there an actual fight, Rick?

Obviously, I...I can't go into much detail, but, um...

- Can you tell us about the weird pizza? - Yeah.

I...I don't know why he ordered all that stuff on it.

I think he was just nervous, to be fair.

I...I just ordered my usual American Hot with extra mushrooms.

- So, have you spoken to your wife yet? - She's not actually my wife.

We just live together, cos it's, er...