End Lead Balloon

Hey, Michael. Guess where they asked Rick to do his comedy class.

-Go on.

-Belford Prison.

Oh, that is hilarious! In prison?

I thought that was a really encouraging start.

Right, back off, or I'll cut him. ALARM RINGS

Anybody so much as touches this door without my say-so, laughing boy gets it!

-You gonna take me on?

-Oh, no. No, no, not at all.

They won't let me have a chess set in my cell.

That's what this is about?

-Where's the harm in telling the truth?

-Just tell the truth.

Not fancy a pizza?

Why do you tell so many lies? Why do you lie the whole time?

I prefer life...

..when it's my version.

I remember at school, when I was six,

the Nativity play, I...I was cast as the sheep.

Basically it was a...a matter of calming him down

and then I seized my moment, overpowered him and escaped.

So, was there an actual fight, Rick?

Obviously I...I can't go into too much detail, but, um...

Now, with me in the studio is comedian Rick Spleen,

who, of course, himself earlier this week

was held hostage in the Belford Prison siege. First of all, Rick,

glad to see you're safe and well.

Yeah, thanks very much, Simon. I'm very glad to be here.

It was quite an ordeal, as you can imagine. Basically, what happened...

So, tell me, exactly what will the hostages be going through right now?

Oh, them.

Um...well, they'll be going through a whole different range of emotions.

I mean, I know exactly how they will be feeling.

Um...confused, disorientated, frightened.

-Were you frightened?

-I... I wasn't personally frightened, no.

But the important thing is... is to remain calm

and, er...keep looking out for that one moment,

er...when you can overpower your captor, like I did.

Yes, but, from what you've seen,

aren't these hostages in a far more dangerous situation?

Not really, no.

As unpleasant as your experience must have been...

More than unpleasant.

I mean, don't forget I was held at knifepoint in...in the prison library.

Yes, but with respect, these people are being held

by a heavily armed group of radical extremists somewhere in the Somali desert.

Yep, yep, they are.

But this... this bloke was from Glasgow.

Right.

So, er...what would you think the chances are that we'll see a resolution?

# I wanna get high

# But I really can't take the pain... #

"Prison Siege Comic." Is that what I have to call you now?

I know. It's embarrassing.

They're just milking it, trying to keep the story going.

"Rick Spleen's top ten prison pizza toppings."

Ten? I gave them 20.

Did I tell you they asked me to host The Brave Britain Awards?

Yes, you have mentioned that.

You don't seem that pleased about it?

I am. It's just that one of my clients was going to be presenting it

before you were parachuted in.

Oh, was he? Who was it? Was it Dan Arrow-Smith?

-I can't say.

-Oh, right.

He wouldn't have been right for it. No life experience.

What's the worst thing that's happened to him? "Someone bumped into my punt."

-He was brought up in a children's home.

-Oh, so it was Dan, yeah.

No, they made the right choice. These are brave people.

-They need someone they can relate to.

-Right.

Channel 4 called. They want me to be in this celebrity survival thing -

live in the wild, find your own water, eat plants, that kind of stuff.

Wow, where's that?

I don't know. Some wood in Surrey. But it's for a whole week.

I guess they think, after what I've been through, I can survive anything.

And you know what? They're probably right.

Well, you'd better not let them film you sleeping.

-What? Why... Why not?

-You've been talking a lot in your sleep.

Have I?

-What sort of things have I been saying?

-"Help. Don't hurt me."

That kind of thing.

It's probably post-traumatic stress syndrome. It's very common, I expect.

Have you seen this one? Huh!

They call me Houdini in this one, look.

Houdini.

Me.

Anyway, so you walk out on stage and...

Ah, I don't know. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to the Brave Britain Awards.

Wait, let me get this down. This is comedy gold.

-If only we'd known.

-Known what?

All the years you spent doing gigs,

and all it took was some guy to hold a knife to your throat

and threaten to kill you, which, by the way, is not an original thought,

and next thing you know, you're in all the papers.

It was a very serious incident.

That's why they asked me on the news as a consultant yesterday,

because I've been there, I've been through it.

You were on the news again? I missed that.

There you are, you see.

Those two guys kidnapped in Malaysia.

Naturally, the BBC called on me for my knowledge.

-Thought it was Somalia.

-That's what I meant.

I keep getting mixed up like that.

Mel says it's classic post-traumatic stress syndrome.

Oh, that'll explain it.

The thing is, when it mattered, I stayed calm,

dealt with the situation... instead of cacking myself like you would have.

Mm, right.

-What?

-No, it's just...

one of the newspapers said that the guy fell asleep

and you crept out on your tippy-toes.

Course I did.

-You know why, don't you?

-Cos that's what happened.

No, because that's what he's been saying - Donald.

He can't have the whole prison knowing I overpowered him. He'd be dead meat.

-You haven't been in there. I have.

-So how did you overpower him?

I mean, he's a big guy. Why don't you get up and show me how you did it?

I wish I could. Only thing is - Official Secrets Act, which they made me sign.

Sorry. Home Office insisted.

HE SIGHS

Well, if the Home Office insists...

Ah. Lot of pictures and things people have said about you.

-You could put it that way, yeah.

-So he's tried to kill you, this man?

Several times, yes, but I defeated him eventually.

But how, if he's madman with knife and you are clown?

Comedian. Well, you'll just have to read about it in my book when it comes out.

-You are writing book about this?

-Very probably, yes.

Oh, what is...

-..How-dini?

-Houdini. He was a very famous,

very clever escape artist.

-Please?

-Escape artist.

He was a stage act and people would come and tie him up in chains and padlocks

and put him in a trunk and throw him in rivers

and all sorts, and he'd always escape.

Where can I see How-dini?

Houdini. You can't now, cos he's dead.

-Oh.

-Sorry about that.

So, how did How-dini...

Um, who...who did Hou...

How did...How...Houdini...

-How did Houdini die?

-Yes.

I have no idea.

BIRDSONG

Oh, I can't tell you how good this feels.

Fresh air, sound of the birds. It is the little things you get to appreciate.

HORN BLARES MAN: Rick!

Get that a lot these days.

It is Rick they're shouting...

Yes, yes, Rick. My name.

-One mushroom risotto. And for you, sir?

-I'll have...

-A-ha! The hero returneth.

-I don't know about that, but...yeah.

Your usual table, Rick. Well done. The prison siege thing!

Oh, yeah, cheers.

In fact, I wasn't gonna tell you this, it was gonna be a surprise, but...

I'm going to name a sandwich after you.

Oh. Oh, well... No, it's a good idea.

-The Egg & Spleen Bap.

-Oh, would you mind?

Um...thought a photo would be good,

of the two of us together. I'll put it in the window.

-Yeah, yeah, OK.

-Would you do the honours, Marty?

My pleasure.

Oh, that's nice. Now, how does this thing work?

Just press that button on the top, I expect.

-Which button?

-The one on the top.

-Which one?

-That one there, just...

Oh, this one. This is a nice camera.

-Yeah, just take the photo, Marty.

-OK.

And...smile.

There we go. Is that OK? You look a bit tense.

That's fine. That's how I meant to look.

-Excuse me!

-Yes, in a minute!

-So, come on, tell me all about it.

-Oh, there's not much to tell.

Like it says in the papers, I overpowered him, and that's pretty much it.

Yeah, but how? I mean, he's a big bloke.

-How did you do it?

-Can't really go into detail.

It's, er...it's still quite raw.

-I mean, say this is him.

-Er...yeah, Michael....

-So, he's got you like this.

-Michael, I wouldn't actually do that.

-Gimme my chess set noo! He was Scottish?

-Yeah, he was.

-Give me my chess set!

-Michael! Michael!

-Get off me. Get off.

-Michael!

-Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

-No, you...you didn't scare me.

I was just worried that I'd go into a flashback and actually really hurt you.

You know, just spontaneous. I could have done that, like that, right in your eye.

So that's why I'm not supposed to talk about it.

Fair enough, I was just curious.

I could have really hurt you. You be careful around me.

I'll get your coffees.

That was impressive, seeing you in action.

What is that? Was that, er... fork-jitsu or something?

Just shut up, would you?

-Busy?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Ben's looking for a flat.

-Oh, yeah? Good for you, Ben. Any luck?

Er...no, not really.

He phoned them up and they asked all these questions.

-Have you got a job?

-Have you got any references?

-Can you afford to pay the deposit?

-Ben's like, "What's it to you?"

I keep telling them I'm just looking for a place to doss, not a load of hassle.

-Yeah, and what did they say to that?

-They just hang up.

Oh, that's rude. So what are you gonna do? Keep looking?

No, I'll probably just, um...just give up.

-Oh. And just hang around here?

-Yeah, might do, yeah.

No, but the thing is, Dad, Ben likes to have his own space.

Does he?

Yeah, well, I... I know all about that.

You know, when I was held hostage.

-Oh, yeah.

-What's this?

-When I was held hostage.

-I haven't heard about this.

Yeah, I texted you.

-I thought that was a wind-up.

-No, I was taken hostage.

Bloody hell. They kept that quiet, didn't they?

Well, no, not really, they didn't. It's all over the papers.

-Mm.

-Oh, yeah, look at that.

So what happened, then? Did you, er... Did you get out?

No, I mean, did...you know, did they pay a ransom or whatever?

-They didn't have to. I overpowered him.

-Cool.

-Basically what happened is...

-DOORBELL RINGS

..I waited and, you know, he turned his back, he had a knife...

-That's the doorbell.

-..and not very nice one either.

-You should probably get that.

-I took my moment

-and got him in a headlock.

-Doorbell.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Yes, yes. All right.

Oh, hello, Rick. Sorry to bother you. Have you got a minute?

Not really, no. I'm in a meeting. It's quite important.

Well done, by the way. The old prison siege.

Oh, yeah.

I did what I had to in a situation like that.

-And the rest, I hope.

-What?

You know, when he was down and the wardens piled in.

Hope you got in there with a nice... Oof!

It wasn't quite like that, but...

More's the pity, eh?

Huh! Scumbag!

No, what it is, it's just a courtesy thing, really.

-Right.

-Yeah, I've decided my mother needs

a ramp up to the front door

-for accessibility purposes.

-Oh, yeah?

So, strictly speaking, you need planning permission for this sort of thing,

so, naturally, I've applied.

So I'm just going round letting everybody know,

just so there aren't any objections or that kind of thing.

I see.

Just thought I'd keep you in the picture.

And, as I say, well done.

Yeah, this...this ramp.

What...what sort of ramp?

Well, it's just a standard disability ramp and handrail for access to the front door.

Yeah. What...what's it gonna be made of?

Well, they're normally made of, er...concrete

with a galvanised iron handrail to one side.

Why? Is it...is it a problem?

Oh, I'm not sure it sounds all that nice, you know, to look at.

Well, it's not supposed to look particularly nice, Rick.

It's a much-needed mobility aid for my mother.

Mm, so you say.

But if you go and put one in, someone else might want one,

then someone else will put one of those chairlifts in.

Before you know it, the whole street will look like a theme park.

Eh? Are you actually saying you object?

-Well, you'll get skateboarders.

-I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Why on earth would you object to a ramp for my mother?

Why on earth would you object to our top-floor window when we applied?

Oh! I see.

I see what this is about. Yes. Petty revenge.

-No, it's not petty.

-That was an entirely different matter.

Your proposed window was totally out of keeping with the street.

This is a conservation area, Rick.

Exactly, which is why you can't go putting concrete ramps all over the place.

One. One single ramp.

There will be one ramp up to the front door

so she can get in and out of the house.

Can't she use a couple of planks or something?

She's 85, Rick.

You haven't heard the last of this.

# Most kind of stories

# Save the best part for last

# Most stories have a hero who finds

# You make your past your past

# Yeah, you make your past your past

# It's a brand-new day

# The sun is shining, it's a brand-new day

# For the first time in such a long, long time

# I know

# I'll be OK

# It's a brand-new day

# It's a brand-new day... #

Did you tell Clive you're going to object to his mother's wheelchair ramp?

Too bloody right. He wants to turn the whole street into Alton Towers.

-But she needs a wheelchair ramp!

-Yeah, and I needed a top-floor window.

I knew there'd be a reason.

Why shouldn't I be allowed to alter the roof of my own house?

I'm glad they stopped you. It's not as if your passion for astronomy lasted.

-Yeah, thanks to Clive.

-And the planning department.

Yeah, well, they're no better. Bastards.

You can't deny an old lady access to her own home.

Well, we'll just have to agree to differ on that.

Maybe don't mention that at the Brave Britain Awards.

-Oh, and Ben and Sam want to come.

-To the awards?

-Mm.

-Great. The more, the merrier.

I'm glad you said that.

Oh, God.

I'm very excited.

Mel has invited me to Brave Britain Awards.

Yeah, I know. She told me.

I'm...I'm looking forward to coming to Brave Britain Awards.

Good.

What is Brave Britain Awards?

Well, it's awards for people who've been brave...

in Britain.

How have they been brave?

All sorts of ways. I mean, these are really heroic people.

That's why they've asked me to host it.

-What have they done?

-I don't know.

It could be they've survived an accident or recovered from some terrible illness.

But this is not brave. This is just lucky.

-DOOR CLOSES

-I'll point that out, shall I?

-Yes, I think...

-Dad, is there an A-Z in here?

Er...no, I don't think so.

Do you know where Eastleigh Road is, then?

-Why? Have you found a flat?

-Yeah, might have done.

-Yeah, Ben's been invited to a party.

-And then I thought I might stay on.

-What, and live there?

-Yeah, just until the owner gets back.

Yeah, he's gone on a business trip or something.

Sounds perfect.

-So, are you looking forward to tonight?

-Tonight?

-The awards.

-It's Brave Britain Awards.

All right, thank you, Magda.

It's for people who have been brave in Britain.

-I can tell her.

-Who have had accident.

-Not just accidents.

-They are given prize for having illness.

They're awards. Anyway, it could be anything.

-Is that tonight, then?

-Yeah, Mum said you were coming.

-Yeah, no, we are.

-So, you're getting an award?

No, Ben, I'm giving them out. I'm hosting the whole evening.

-Are you telling jokes and that?

-Yes.

You are going to be telling jokes about people with illness?

-Not about people with...

-That could be well dodgy.

-I'm not...

-Could go down like a cup of cold sick.

-It won't.

-And then you might never work again.

It will be like back to before.

Good. Well, thanks for the pep talk.

You are gonna kill with these.

You know it got over seven million viewers last year?

I know. Makes a change from the usual roomful

-of drunken air-con salesmen, doesn't it?

-Those days are over for me, Marty.

-This is good stuff.

-It's comedy gold, man.

-I might even improvise.

-Please don't.

There you go.

-What's this?

-Your sandwich.

I didn't order a sandwich.

-The one in your honour.

-Oh! Oh, I see. Oh, thanks, Michael.

Yes, the Rick Spleen Baguette.

-Hope you enjoy it.

-I will. What's in it?

Well, it's an artisan baguette with chicken,

-lettuce, mustard, mayo...

-Chicken. Did you say chicken?

-Yes, is there a problem with that?

-Chicken.

-Cluck, cluck!

-Oh, chicken.

Doesn't exactly say "brave", does it?

What was I thinking? Oh, well, I suppose I could change it.

-If you would.

-How inappropriate.

Mind you, one of the papers did say the prisoner fell asleep

-and then you sneaked out.

-Yep, well, that's not what happened.

I thought, "Rick's not been doing his act for him, has he?"

You were doing your act and he fell asleep. "Have you ever noticed..."

HE SNORES Can we get two coffees, Michael?

Sure, coming right up.

Just think. If it all goes well tonight, we can afford to eat somewhere else.

We?

# Do not stumble through tonight

# Have no fear of falling

# And if nobody got lost

# And if no-one paid the cost

# The price of this, you may surmise is forever after

# We won't stumble through tonight

# Drowning in their laughter... #

Welcome to the Brave Britain Awards.

Great catering tonight, by the way. So much better than prison food.

HE MIMICS APPLAUSE

Yeah, I know, I know. It's the last time I visit my dad in jail.

HE MIMICS APPLAUSE

Please, please sit down.

HE MIMICS APPLAUSE

Ha-ha. Er...

HE MIMICS APPLAUSE

-That looks nice.

-Oh, cheers, it's yours.

I know.

Hey, Magda, you ever wear your mother's clothes?

No, she's huge, my mother.

-How huge is...?

-Ben.

-You think we should give Dad a call?

-He'll probably be rehearsing.

Oh, he's a pro. He doesn't need to rehearse.

But one sad piece of news, ladies and gentlemen,

is that Donald Innis, my captor, can't be with us tonight because he's a pyscho!

HE MIMICS APPLAUSE

Yeah, he's locked up like he ought to be.

About ten minutes, Rick.

Yeah, thank you.

He's bound to be nervous. It's the biggest gig he's ever done.

-Biggest gig he's ever been to.

-So, is, like, all the beer free?

Yeah, and food, and Dad said there's, like, goody bags.

What have happened to you?

-Wow, nice place.

-Yes. Difficult to clean, I think.

Hello, Rick.

Oh, bloody hell. Clive!

What are you doing here?

Got a couple of tickets for me and my mother.

Thought we'd come and cheer you along.

Oh, yeah, look, if... if this is about the ramp,

-I was only joking, I...

-Oh, good.

Well, in that case, you won't mind, er...

signing this statement to say you have no objections.

Yeah, I haven't got time for that now.

Or would you rather I got up in front of the TV cameras

and said a few words about our hero Rick

and how he's making an 85-year-old woman's life a misery?

A couple of friends for you at stage door.

Great. Thanks. Be right there.

I'd better go.

Ah, but we haven't finished our little chat, have we?

Maybe we could discuss it in private.

We can discuss it whenever you like.

-But I won't back down.

-No.

DOOR CREAKS

Oh, very nice.

Grapes.

Wine. Huh.

Got a couple of friends for you at stage door, Rick?

-Pretty well looked after, aren't we?

-Yeah, I know.

Anyway, what I need from you is this signed.

Oh!

What do you think you're playing at?

BANGING Rick! Rick! Rick! Let me out of here!

BANGING Let me out! Rick!

Help yourself to tea and coffee.

Rick!

But he is not brave. He did not decide to have helicopter crash.

Yeah, well, I think it's more about how he got over it than...

But he did not get over it, because when I say this to him, he's get very angry.

Still, I think it's probably best if you don't ask him any more questions.

-And then he's crying.

-Yeah.

-Is there any more beer?

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-Shall we go look for him?

-Might be nice to wish him good luck.

-Yeah.

-Sweetheart, we're gonna go and see Dad.

-So, is everything OK?

-Yeah, brilliant.

I've put your friends in the green room. Hope that's all right.

Thanks, as long as they don't drink all the beer.

Ha-ha. Well, if I can call on you in two minutes to get miked up...

Yeah, no worries.

So you got here all right, then?

GLASGOW ACCENT: Hello, Rick. DOOR SLAMS

We've got a message.

From Donald.

Ah, here he is.

-More friends. You are popular.

-Hi.

Are you OK?

What's up? Don't be nervous, man, it's a great script.

I can't use it.

What's happened?

Donald sent someone to see me.

-When was this?

-Just now.

Two of them waiting for me in the green room.

Well, what does he want?

He wants me to tell the truth on stage.

How do you mean, the truth?

About what happened in prison.

About how I overpowered him, or rather how I didn't overpower him.

He fell asleep. I knew it.

I've got to go out there and humiliate myself in front of everyone.

-Again.

-Marty.

Sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Sorry.

-What are you going to do?

-I don't know.

Look, just drop all the stuff about Donald and the siege.

It's all about Donald and the siege. You know it is.

-Well...

-I've had it.

Either I go up on stage and die,

..or...

Ladies and gentlemen, 30 seconds to air.

Where is television camera so I can wave to my sister Agatha?

-I wouldn't do that.

-But she will be watching on television.

Yeah, still, might be a bit wrong, I think.

-I'm not sure I can watch.

-Me neither.

What's he gonna do?

-DRUM ROLL AND TRUMPETS

-Oh, man.

Will you please welcome this year's Brave Britain Awards host,

Mr Rick Spleen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for that.

Oh, thank you very much. Great catering tonight. So much better than...

Er...

Um...

Er...

Er...ladies...ladies and gentlemen.

Before we...before we get under way, I...I've got something rather serious to say

about my recent experience in the Belford Prison siege.

Um...

many of you will have read in the papers that I was a hero and...

I overpowered my captor, Donald Innis.

But, er...

HE SNORTS

..the truth is...

I just told him my life story and he was so bored he fell asleep.

-LAUGHTER

-No, it's not funny.

Do you really think I could win a fight with a murderer from Glasgow?

-LAUGHTER

-No.

I'm serious. Don't laugh. He'll have me killed.

LAUGHTER

And by the way, it was me who ordered that disgusting pizza.

I couldn't help it. I just kept ordering different things.

-That was so funny.

-Yeah, nice one.

-Yeah, awesome, Dad.

-Yeah, cheers.

-Now I know you are funny clown.

-Comedian. But thanks anyway, Magda.

You knocked it out of the park, man. I should not write for you more often.

Well, the truth is funny.

Rick, can we have a few questions?

Yeah, sure. Maybe one at a time and I'll try and...

-Sorry to gatecrash the party!

-Oh, no.

-This is my mother.

-Oh, Clive, not now.

-She's 85 years old.

-Clive, they don't want to know.

Sorry about this. He's just...stalker.

And I've spent the last two hours locked in his dressing room.

Just ignore him.

-I made an application to the Council.

-No-one likes him. Clive...

They don't want to know. Let's talk about it later, can we?

-Do you want to know the truth?

-Listen, can we just talk about this...

This man is trying to stop my mother from having a ramp...

# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain

# Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane... #