Episode 1 Live at the Apollo


Episode 1

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. In this first episode, host Sarah Millican introduces rising star Tom Allen and US comedian Arj Barker to the stage.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome your host for tonight -

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Sarah Millican.

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CHEERING

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Good evening, welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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Ah! Are you well?

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CHEERING Excellent, I'm glad. I'm also well.

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I had a migraine in a few weeks ago,

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I don't get them often enough to worry about, but I do get them every

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now and again. And I thought, "I'll go on Twitter

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"and ask people on Twitter how they get rid of their migraines."

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Give us a cheer if you are on Twitter.

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CHEERING

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I got the usual sort of expected responses, and then,

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my favourite one came up, and it said, "Two Nurofen and a wank."

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And it totally worked.

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If anything, it just pushed the throbbing down a bit.

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Thanks, @bootsthechemist.

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A few of you on Twitter, excellent.

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It's lovely to be here. I've got pets.

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I've got two cats and a dog.

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I'll tell you about those. My cats, they don't always get on.

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Sometimes, they kind of chase each other. It looks a bit aggressive.

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So, what I do, to kind of break that up, to distract them,

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we use a laser pen. You will have seen these. So, the cats have been

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chasing each other around, one or both of them will become transfixed

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by a little red dot that has appeared on the ceiling or the

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walls or the floor. And it's so effective that we've started using

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it in our own relationship.

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So, I'll be saying something like, "All I want you to do when you've

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"finished with your wet towels is put them in the... Ooh! Ooh!"

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But whenever you introduce a new cat into a household

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that already has a cat, there's always a bit of aggro while they work out the hierarchy,

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then it settles down. The day I knew our two were going to be OK with

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each other was the day I walked into our bedroom and they were lying on

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the bed like that...

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They weren't quite spooning, but it was good enough for me.

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I climbed on behind them. Big Mama Spoon's getting on.

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"I'll be the ladle." I don't know what that means.

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For about two minutes it was utter perfection,

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and then Brodie leaned over to Ripley, the little girl cat,

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and just started licking her arsehole.

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I don't think Mama Spoon's supposed to be here for that bit.

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She was brilliant though, she was lying with her legs shut like that,

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as soon as he started licking her arsehole she went,

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"Oh, that's lovely." It's not just the cats, we've got a dog as well.

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We got a dog about a year and a half ago. He's a rescue dog,

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and he is genuinely the light of my life.

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He really is. He's absolutely adorable.

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We had some problems with him in the beginning,

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I suppose. Well, he didn't know how to play, which was quite sad.

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He didn't know how to play. So, what we'd do was, we'd try and throw a

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ball at him, he didn't really understand. He'd been in kennels for

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a year, so I suppose it's understandable.

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And all sorts of toys we got, he didn't get any of it.

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And then one day my husband was getting ready for bed,

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and as he pulled off one of his socks the dog jumped up and grabbed it and they had a little game.

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It was so nice to see the dog play. On further investigation,

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we've discovered that the dog doesn't like clean socks.

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He only likes the ones my husband refers to as, "meaty."

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He also doesn't like my socks, which I suppose is a compliment,

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cos I guess it means they're not very meaty.

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But I'm still quite hurt by that.

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But I'm nothing if not competitive, in love.

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And I thought, "What could I throw at him

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"that would be worse than socks?"

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Some of you were quite quick there.

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I did exactly what you think I did.

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I throw my pants at him and he fucking loves it.

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He runs around with them on his head, like he's scored a goal.

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We've never had a dog before, so we thought we should probably get

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some dog books and learn how to look after a dog. The dog books don't

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teach you everything, they just tell you the basics.

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Quite a lot of it you have to learn on your own.

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One of the things that we learned on our own -

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I knew that one of his jobs, one of his chores,

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one of his responsibilities, if you like, was to keep his gentleman's

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area clean. I don't know why I'm doing that,

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like I've got a gentleman's area. That's slightly worrying.

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We knew he'd keep his bits and bobs nice and clean.

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We knew that was one of his jobs.

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But I did not know how regularly he would do that.

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How thoroughly he would do that.

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Or how loudly he would do that.

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Until I got a dog, I had no idea what it sounds like

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when a cock's being sucked over there.

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I've always been an animal lover, always have been.

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One of the differences I noticed when I moved to the countryside,

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having lived in the city centre for so long,

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is that power cuts last a lot longer.

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The first power-cut we had in the countryside lasted 26 hours.

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I've never experienced anything like that before.

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And we realised by 6pm,

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that the power wasn't going to come back on that night,

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so we just prepared for a night without power. Now luckily,

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my husband is quite Bear Grylls.

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CHEERING I know! So, he went foraging for curry.

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But before he left he said to me,

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"Don't waste battery power on the torches."

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I said, "OK." He said, "Just light a few candles."

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Now, I'm not a very girlie girl.

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Candles are never something I would especially buy for myself.

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But luckily, I've got loads of friends who don't know me at all...

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Shit-loads of scented candles.

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So, I lit a few, and by the time my husband came back in I was relaxed,

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horny and excited for Christmas.

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Something else I seem to have acquired

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that I would never buy for myself is sticks in a jar.

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Have you seen this? Sticks in a jar? Sticks in a jar.

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Does anybody know what the real name is?

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Reed diffuser. Somebody shouted over here. Reed diffuser.

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If you don't know what it is,

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it's just a jar that has perfume in it, and the reeds are the sticks,

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carry the perfume up, make the room smell nice.

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I didn't know any of this when this was given to me as a present.

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It reminded me quite a lot of the incense sticks that my friend had

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had when I visited her at university.

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So, I nearly lit the thing!

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I almost accidentally created a Jo Malone Molotov cocktail!

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There's quite a few girlie things I can't really partake in.

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Another example, I can't have anything in the bath

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that isn't me or the water. Can't have bath bombs, bath oil,

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bubble bath, bath salts. None of those things.

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If I have any of those things it makes down there raw.

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I mean, both spellings, like R-A-W,

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red, angry, shiny. You know, like you've peeled it. Like that.

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AUDIENCE GASP AND GROAN

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You all just pictured for a second there, didn't you?

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And the other spelling, R-O-A-R. Argh!

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Argh!

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I'm pretty sure that's what the Katy Perry song is about.

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SHE SINGS ROAR BY KATY PERRY

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It's like that old pub joke, you know,

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that old pub joke. Two monkeys in the bath, one of them goes,

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"Ooh, ooh, ooh." And the other one goes, "Oh, sorry,

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"I forgot you had a very sensitive vagina."

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Yeah? You know that joke?

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See, that sentence there, "I've got a really sensitive vagina."

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I meant that in a practical way. But you can also say that at,

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sort of, sexy time as well, couldn't you?

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You've got to be careful. There are some sentences that have that dual meaning.

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You've got to be careful. Here's another one.

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They trip you up, here's another one. I'm not wearing any knickers.

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Cos I've got a touch of thrush and I'm trying to get a bit of air round.

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That's better.

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I've got a friend who was in her late 60s, she said,

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"I used to be like you with your bath bombs and whatnot."

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I said, "Used to be? What's changed?" She said, "Oh, well,

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"when you get to my age, you can have whatever you like

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"in the bath, because it's all dead down there."

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That is a small upside to a big downside, isn't it?

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"I have no feeling whatsoever in my vagina,

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"but finally I get to go to Lush!"

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A long time ago I was reading a book,

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you know those books that are ostensibly a romance,

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but have got a couple of pages of filth in the middle?

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They're smashing. I was reading one of those books,

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and on one of the pages of filth,

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the lady of the book poured some champagne...

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on herself.

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And the man in the book drank the champagne...

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off her.

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And me and my boyfriend at the time, this is 20 years ago,

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we decided we were going to have a go at this.

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We couldn't afford champagne, so we bought some Lambrusco.

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I'd forgotten that the lady in the book was lying flat.

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I was sitting upright, just poured it on and it ran straight in.

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Smarted like a bastard!

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I told that story to a friend of mine recently, and she said,

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"Is that why you don't drink?"

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No. Not once when someone has asked me why don't I drink

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have I answered, "Because it hurts my fanny."

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You're doing it wrong then.

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You don't have to take the cork out like that.

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It was a screw cap. Imagine these skills I'd need for a screw cap.

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About a year ago, I had a sore throat for a bit too long.

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I went to see my doctor. My doctor said, "I'm going to send you to see

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"a specialist. An ear, nose and throat specialist." I said, "OK."

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So, off I go to see this fellow, lovely fellow he was.

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He said to me, "Do you suffer from acid reflux?" And I said, "No."

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And then when I got home, I realised I should have said yes,

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cos my husband and I eat so many Rennies

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that we call them bathroom sweets.

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He said, "I'd like you to take Gaviscon after every meal."

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I said, "After every meal or after every time I've eaten?"

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"Cos those two are very different numbers."

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He said, "What I'd like to do is put a camera down your throat, so we can

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"have a proper look at what we're dealing with." I said, "OK."

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I thought, "This is the bit where he sends me away

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"and I come back in six months with a new appointment,

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and he went, "No, no, we can do that now." "Oh, shit!"

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He got out this contraption, metal like this, metal like this.

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The main thing you need to know is that it's very rigid.

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None of it moves, so I had to move, because it wouldn't move.

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And he put it down my throat and I instantly gagged.

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SHE IMITATES GAGGING

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And he pulled it out, and he said, "Are you going to be OK with this?"

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And I went, "Yes!" And he put it back in.

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SHE IMITATES GAGGING I was mortified.

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He said, "Do me a favour, the next time you think you're going to gag,

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"do this..."

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E-e-e-h!

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I said, "Why?" And he said, "It stops you gagging."

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And I thought, "Noted."

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My husband's going to think he's being sucked off by a Geordie pensioner.

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E-e-e-h!

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And who knows, some day, he might be.

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No, I meant that we're pensioners. I don't mean, like, for a present.

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Come on in, Doris, he's ready for his gift now.

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# Happy birthday to e-e-e-h! #

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Oh, yeah, turned 41 this year. I like being in my 40s.

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Give us a cheer if you're 40 and above.

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CHEERING

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I like it. I don't give a shit about unimportant things any more.

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I think that's what it boils down to.

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Quite a few things changed when I turned 40 last year.

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One of the things that changed is

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that I've stopped sniffing my leggings.

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I used to sniff them to see if I could get another day out of them.

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Whereas now, I just assume that I can.

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And I read, on a proper form,

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a probable official document recently,

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the term, "women's problems." And I thought, in 2016, really?

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It says, "women's problems"?

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And I thought, "why doesn't it just say periods?"

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Menstruation? There's nothing wrong with those words.

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Just like there's nothing wrong with the actual thing,

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it's perfectly normal. It's natural. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

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It's part of life. It seems peculiar to me. So what I've decided to do,

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and you can come with me if you like, I've decided to bypass the

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word, "periods," if people find it so offensive,

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and I'm going to say this instead.

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So, if somebody says to me, "Are you all right?"

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I'm going to go, "Oh, I'm clotting."

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See, the word period isn't so bad now, is it? No.

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But a lot of the euphemisms for periods are really horrible.

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It's such a bad reflection of how normal it is.

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So, if clotting horrifies you, I get it.

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So, I made up another one. This is a bit lighter, a bit more playful.

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Perhaps this will appeal to you more. This is it.

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It's WI week, because I'm making jam.

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Do you get it? Do you get it?

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LAUGHTER AND GROANS

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Some of you are more horrified by that than you were by clotting!

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And I think I have ruined afternoon teas for everyone.

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Sorry about that.

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I read a really good statistic that said that 67% of

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women, so two thirds of women, don't bath or shower every day.

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And my first reaction, because I bath or shower every day,

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my first reaction was, "That's disgusting."

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My second reaction was to start sniffing my friends.

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My third reaction was, "Well, if they're not doing it,

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"I'm not going to do it."

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I do mostly bath or shower every day, but every now and again,

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if I'm running late, or I've got an early appointment, or I slept in,

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anything like that, I do, instead,

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what my mam would refer to as a flannel job.

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Now, this is a good tip for the women in the room who do have pubic

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hair - the next time you do a flannel job,

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if you do it in a circular motion you can Afro it right up.

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It's really fun.

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You can get a proper bouffant going, if you like.

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That's not a joke. That's just a tip for you to take home and try.

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In a room of this size, there'll be at least 40 or 50 women

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tomorrow morning who'll be like, "I'm going to give it a go.

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"I'm going to give it a go."

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Massive pants.

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I went for a massage.

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Give us a cheer if you've ever been for a massage.

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CHEERING

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I don't like it. I like the bit at the end,

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where I feel all floppy and relaxed, that bit.

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When I'm like, "I might never wear a bra again."

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I don't like the actual activity itself.

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I feel very uncomfortable being in front of a stranger in my pants.

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So, what happens is, I book the massage,

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I get so stressed and tense on the build-up to the massage,

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that the best she can do at the massage is get me back down to the

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level of stress I was that before I booked the massage.

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The one thing they do in those appointments that I don't like is

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when they teach you how to breathe. They do that, don't they?

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Like, I'm 41. The breathing's been going pretty well, thanks.

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But they do that, don't they? They go, "And breathe in..."

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SHE INHALES DEEPLY

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SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

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"And breathe out." I could have died. I could have died!

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If I'd waited for her.

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The last massage I had she said, "This is an aromatherapy massage."

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I said, "That's correct." She said, "I've got three different oils,

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"I want you to smell each one, pick the one you like the best,

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"and will use that one. I said, "Champion."

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She unscrewed the lid off the first one,

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she wafted it in front of my nose, I said, "Is that Eucalyptus?

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"Eucalyptus, is it? Like a menthol, like a menthol?"

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"Is it menthol? Is it menthol? Is it menthol? It's like mint? Is it mint?

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"Is it mint? Is it mint?" She said, "You don't have to guess what it is."

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The second one, she wafted in front of my nose, I said, "Is that lemon?

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"Is it lemon? Lemon? Is it lemon? Is it like a citrus?"

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Like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a general sort of

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"citrus? Is it grapefruit? Is a grapefruit?"

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She said, "It's not a quiz."

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The third one, she wafted it in front of my nose, and I did like it,

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but I didn't know what it was, and I said, I'll have that one."

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She said, "Good." She read the label on the bottle.

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She said, "That's happy."

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I thought, "I was never going to win the quiz, was I?"

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My worst bit of a massage is the bit in a full body massage where they

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make you turn over on the table, because the tables are very narrow.

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And I am not.

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They do at least hold the towel up, don't they?

0:15:150:15:18

So, you can flubber, flubber over in private.

0:15:180:15:20

Or so I thought. The last one she held the tower up, I flubber,

0:15:200:15:23

flubber, flubbered over. I was almost in position,

0:15:230:15:26

when our eyes locked in the mirrored wall at the end of the room.

0:15:260:15:33

My friend said to me, "That's not my worst bit of a massage."

0:15:330:15:35

I said, "What's your worst bit?" She said, "I don't like the bit where

0:15:350:15:38

"they pull your knickers down a little bit."

0:15:380:15:39

I said, "Well, they'd have to do that with me, otherwise they wouldn't get half my back."

0:15:390:15:44

But I went for a massage with a friend of mine.

0:15:470:15:49

We were in the waiting area and the woman came out and she said,

0:15:490:15:52

"Ladies, ladies, ladies, just to let you know that on staff today

0:15:520:15:55

"we have a male massage therapist, and I was wondering if either of you

0:15:550:15:58

"would mind..." And my friend went, "I'll have him."

0:15:580:16:01

And I said to her afterwards, I said, "Look, you're single,

0:16:010:16:03

"you can always have the bloke if you want,

0:16:030:16:05

"but just let her finish her question first,

0:16:050:16:07

"maybe leave it a second, and then say, 'I suppose I don't mind,'

0:16:070:16:10

"rather than, 'I'll have him.' "

0:16:100:16:13

She came out of this massage with this huge beaming smile on her face.

0:16:130:16:17

I said, "Was it a good massage?" She said, "Oh, yeah."

0:16:170:16:20

I said, "That's good." She said, "I felt his erection."

0:16:200:16:24

Now we take turns to pay, and I thought,

0:16:240:16:26

"I'm not paying if she's had extras."

0:16:260:16:29

I said, "You felt his erection?" She said, "Yes, on my elbow."

0:16:290:16:33

Now, I don't know what your elbows are like,

0:16:330:16:36

but mine is like rhino skin.

0:16:360:16:37

I'd be hard pushed to tell hot from cold with mine.

0:16:370:16:40

That would be an excellent game show, wouldn't it?

0:16:400:16:43

"Cock or not, cock or not?"

0:16:430:16:44

One thing I don't like, and this might come across overly mean,

0:16:490:16:52

I hope it doesn't, but it might come across that way.

0:16:520:16:54

I don't like a skinny massage therapist.

0:16:540:16:56

The one I use at the moment is about my size, maybe a little bit bigger.

0:16:560:16:58

I don't like the skinny ones. They've never said anything to me,

0:16:580:17:01

but in my mind, when they're massaging me, they are doing this...

0:17:010:17:04

"Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!

0:17:040:17:06

"Urgh! Urgh!

0:17:060:17:09

"Going to need more time, it's a bigger surface area!"

0:17:090:17:12

And the whole time I'm being massaged, there's an inner monologue

0:17:150:17:18

going on up here. Outside, I'm the picture of composure, but in here,

0:17:180:17:20

it's going crazy, and it depends where she starts.

0:17:200:17:22

So, if she starts at the bottom, I'll be like, "Oh, tickly feet, tickly feet.

0:17:220:17:26

"Oh, she's gone up to the bit where I've got broken veins,

0:17:260:17:28

"I don't like that bit. Oh, too close to my fanny!

0:17:280:17:30

"too close to my fanny! Too close to my fanny!"

0:17:300:17:33

So, I'm lying there,

0:17:330:17:35

covered in happy...

0:17:350:17:37

A very different version of Snow White than we're used to, yes?

0:17:390:17:42

..and the massage ends.

0:17:480:17:49

And she did what they always do, she put on like a chocolaty voice...

0:17:490:17:52

They always do this, don't they? And she said, "Just relax,

0:17:520:17:55

"there's plenty of time. There's no need for you to rush.

0:17:550:17:58

"Please, just stay relaxed. There's so much time,

0:17:580:18:01

"I just want you to stay relaxed. There's no need for...

0:18:010:18:04

"Please, just stay relaxed."

0:18:040:18:06

What she didn't know is that I'd

0:18:060:18:07

been dying for a fart for 40 minutes!

0:18:070:18:09

The door had barely clicked shut when I let out the loudest,

0:18:110:18:14

most tromboniest fart you've ever heard in your life.

0:18:140:18:18

Remember, I was covered in oil.

0:18:180:18:20

It was like the Salvation Army band had popped in.

0:18:230:18:26

And I'm right in the middle of potentially the best fart of my life

0:18:260:18:30

when she came back in with a glass of water.

0:18:300:18:34

And I half expected her to go, "Is that curry?

0:18:340:18:36

"Is it curry? Is it curry? Is that curry? Is it curry?"

0:18:360:18:40

And, if she had, I'd have gone,

0:18:450:18:47

"No, love, that's happy."

0:18:470:18:49

Are you ready for your first act?

0:18:500:18:52

CHEERING

0:18:520:18:55

Your first act is a good friend of mine.

0:18:550:18:57

He's been on tour with me for the last year

0:18:570:18:59

and he's one of my favourite comics and one of my favourite men.

0:18:590:19:02

Please, give it up for the wonderful Mr Tom Allen!

0:19:020:19:05

CHEERING

0:19:050:19:07

Hello, everyone. Hello, are you well?

0:19:210:19:24

CHEERING

0:19:240:19:26

Oh, good. Well, it's so wonderful to be here in,

0:19:260:19:28

erm, erm, you know.

0:19:280:19:30

And so, I'm gay.

0:19:330:19:35

I don't know if I needed to explain that. And if you've seen me before,

0:19:360:19:41

I'm still gay.

0:19:410:19:45

If anything, it's getting worse.

0:19:450:19:48

And I'm completely gay as well, like,

0:19:480:19:50

I've never tried it any other way.

0:19:500:19:52

I've never tried it with a woman.

0:19:520:19:54

I'm a thoroughbred.

0:19:540:19:55

And, I mean, really, I wouldn't know a vagina if it hit me in the face.

0:19:570:20:01

I mean, can they do that, have they got hands?

0:20:010:20:03

I've never seen one.

0:20:030:20:04

Though I have been twatted.

0:20:040:20:07

And, I realise, I come up here and I talk and sound all posh, don't I?

0:20:100:20:14

Probably quite intimidatingly so to you, but...

0:20:140:20:17

I'm not actually from a very posh family at all.

0:20:200:20:21

I'm from a very ordinary, ordinary family

0:20:210:20:23

and I went to a very ordinary, very ordinary comprehensive school, very ordinary.

0:20:230:20:27

I know, isn't it moving?

0:20:270:20:28

And I do think at school, like, they try and prepare you for life,

0:20:300:20:33

don't they? I don't know how well they do it.

0:20:330:20:35

Like, I remember at primary school,

0:20:350:20:36

they used to try and prepare us for life

0:20:360:20:38

by giving us assemblies every day. We'd have assembly every day,

0:20:380:20:40

when we'd all be sat on the floor in the hall in rows,

0:20:400:20:43

and then the teachers would be sat on the end of the rows, on chairs,

0:20:430:20:46

because they were stronger.

0:20:460:20:49

And then our headteacher, called Mr Babbage, would come in,

0:20:500:20:52

and he'd come in, he'd walk to the front, and he'd say,

0:20:520:20:55

"Good morning, everybody."

0:20:550:20:56

And then the whole school would go,

0:20:560:20:58

"Good morning, Mr Babbage!"

0:20:580:21:03

Because they were all drunk.

0:21:030:21:06

And then he'd read us a story, and it would all ways be a story about,

0:21:110:21:14

like, how to make a soup, out of stones?

0:21:140:21:17

And I think Jesus was there somewhere.

0:21:180:21:20

And is always a moral, and the moral was always something like,

0:21:220:21:24

"Be...

0:21:240:21:26

"poor."

0:21:260:21:27

And then after that, he'd sometimes read us a letter from Rapa Mundi.

0:21:310:21:35

And was this girl, right,

0:21:350:21:37

we were always raising money for in India.

0:21:370:21:40

And she would write us these letters about how dreadful her life was.

0:21:430:21:46

And she did have an awful, awful, dreadful, dreadful, awful, awful,

0:21:460:21:50

awful, dreadful, dreadful, awful, dreadful, dreadful life,

0:21:500:21:56

but then she always found time to write.

0:21:560:21:58

And then, after that,

0:22:040:22:06

we'd always have a collection of postage stamps for guide dogs.

0:22:060:22:08

I don't know who these guide dogs were writing to.

0:22:080:22:13

And then eventually, when you've done enough of that, eventually,

0:22:130:22:15

then you'd get to go of course to secondary school, don't you?

0:22:150:22:18

Secondary school, and that's where you get to learn really interesting things at secondary school,

0:22:180:22:22

isn't it? Like, you get to learn about novels in English,

0:22:220:22:24

and you get to learn about fingering...

0:22:240:22:27

..and you get to learn about, like, proper grown-up maths, don't you?

0:22:300:22:33

Or math, as they say in America, don't they?

0:22:330:22:35

Math. Math. Math. But we do it more than once.

0:22:350:22:37

And I remember learning things like Pythagoras' theorem.

0:22:420:22:45

Do you remember that, Pythagoras' theorem? Do you remember that?

0:22:450:22:47

Do you number that? Sohcahtoa? Do you remember that?

0:22:470:22:50

Sohcahtoa? Sohcahtoa? It's a thing, I'm not just having a stroke.

0:22:500:22:54

Sohcahtoa. Sohcahtoa means sine equals opposite over hypotenuse,

0:22:540:22:57

cosine equals adjacent over hypotenuse.

0:22:570:23:00

I mean, now, as an adult, looking back, it would have been nice,

0:23:000:23:04

wouldn't it, if they'd spent maybe half an hour, or even just like,

0:23:040:23:07

even just like ten minutes, really, just, just ten minutes,

0:23:070:23:09

just ten minutes, going, "This is a pension scheme."

0:23:090:23:15

This is a tax return and this is how you're going to have a

0:23:150:23:18

broken heart and this is how you tell an estate agent to fuck off.

0:23:180:23:22

But they don't, they don't, they don't.

0:23:300:23:34

Tangent equals opposite over adjacent, which is good to know,

0:23:340:23:37

because sometimes you do find yourself in a triangle.

0:23:370:23:40

But I did have a very happy childhood.

0:23:510:23:54

And I remember one of the most exciting things that happened to me

0:23:540:23:57

when I was about eight-years-old.

0:23:570:24:00

I'm 33 now. I know.

0:24:000:24:02

Nivea.

0:24:020:24:04

But when I was about eight years old,

0:24:060:24:07

in the sort of early to mid-'90s, the mid-John Major years,

0:24:070:24:11

as we call them, and the most exciting thing that can happen to

0:24:110:24:14

probably anybody during that time, and Lord knows there weren't many

0:24:140:24:17

exciting things then, unless you were Edwina Currie.

0:24:170:24:21

But the most exciting thing that could happen to you during that time

0:24:210:24:24

was that your local authority would open up a leisure centre.

0:24:240:24:29

These leisure centres were not ordinary sports centres, no, no.

0:24:300:24:33

What they had inside them were subtropical paradises.

0:24:330:24:37

And these subtropical paradises were basically swimming pools.

0:24:390:24:42

Swimming pools that were designed to look like the sea,

0:24:420:24:46

if the sea had been tiled?

0:24:460:24:51

And the other thing they also had were flumes.

0:24:560:24:59

And flumes were water slides, which went outside of the building,

0:24:590:25:04

because nothing is more exciting than being on a water slide

0:25:040:25:10

over the car park!

0:25:100:25:13

And they were wonderful places to go to and we knew they

0:25:190:25:22

subtropical paradises, because they'd have one palm tree made of plastic.

0:25:220:25:26

And it would have huge windows,

0:25:270:25:28

which overlooked the dual carriageway.

0:25:280:25:30

And you felt very, very exclusive to be in there,

0:25:300:25:33

because you were in a place that was boiling hot,

0:25:330:25:36

that smelt of bacon and bleach and people were doing things there'd

0:25:360:25:40

never done before, like they were going into Jacuzzis.

0:25:400:25:43

What is a Jacuzzi? It's basically just a bath with strangers.

0:25:430:25:47

It's supposed to be so relaxing, isn't it, with those jets of water?

0:25:470:25:50

But to me, it felt like someone standing behind me going...

0:25:500:25:53

..and not in a good way!

0:25:550:25:58

It's the wrong height.

0:25:580:26:01

And then, often, they would have a cafe in there, which was wonderful,

0:26:010:26:04

because it meant you got to paddle through chlorinated water

0:26:040:26:08

and then slip on a chip.

0:26:080:26:10

But the best thing, the best thing,

0:26:140:26:16

that could happen to you while you were in the subtropical paradise

0:26:160:26:19

would be that they would start up the wave machine.

0:26:190:26:23

CHEERING

0:26:230:26:25

And the wave machine would be heralded with a siren

0:26:270:26:30

and the siren sounded a bit like this.

0:26:300:26:32

Argh!

0:26:320:26:34

And when you heard that siren, it didn't matter where you were,

0:26:350:26:38

everyone would come flocking to the water.

0:26:380:26:39

They'd come wading into the water. Wading into the water.

0:26:390:26:42

Wading into the water, like they'd come to hear the good news!

0:26:420:26:45

They'd come to be baptised!

0:26:450:26:47

Everybody would come into the water.

0:26:490:26:50

You'd see everybody you knew. You'd see people you knew.

0:26:500:26:53

Like, you'd see your mum's friend, Joyce. She'd be there,

0:26:530:26:56

in her bikini. Basically just in her underwear.

0:26:560:27:00

"Didn't think I'd see you like that Joyce!"

0:27:000:27:02

Everybody would come wading in. Wading in up to your ankles.

0:27:020:27:04

Up to your knees. Up to your hips, wherever you felt most comfortable

0:27:040:27:08

and when the wave machine really got going, when it really got going,

0:27:080:27:11

the best thing that it would make you do,

0:27:110:27:13

is it would make you go like this...

0:27:130:27:15

Ah!

0:27:240:27:26

It was a wonderful time to be alive!

0:27:260:27:29

But then the wave machine would stop very abruptly and you'd know it had stopped,

0:27:320:27:35

because suddenly, two old women would get in and start to do a very

0:27:350:27:37

stately breaststroke across the back of the swimming pool,

0:27:370:27:40

which allowed them to continue their conversation,

0:27:400:27:43

but which also kept their perms immaculately dry.

0:27:430:27:45

And when you saw them you'd think,

0:27:450:27:47

"Oh, it's all over. I want to try something else now.

0:27:470:27:49

"I want to try something else."

0:27:490:27:50

And that's probably when you decide to go on the flumes.

0:27:500:27:54

To get on the flumes, you'd have to queue on the stairs at the side.

0:27:540:27:57

You'd have to stand on a staircase, in your trunks,

0:27:570:27:59

basically in your underwear, on a staircase getting cold.

0:27:590:28:02

It's a very unusual feeling I think, standing on a staircase in your

0:28:020:28:04

underwear, getting cold - unless maybe you have a lot of affairs.

0:28:040:28:10

And you'd have to stand on the staircase. You'd have to queue for ages.

0:28:100:28:13

There'd probably be two flumes, but one would be closed,

0:28:130:28:16

because last week somebody died.

0:28:160:28:19

And you'd have to queue and the flumes would be managed by

0:28:190:28:22

a 16-year-old, who had a whistle and no qualifications at all!

0:28:220:28:26

And he was using some sort of green and red lighting system,

0:28:270:28:30

which we couldn't possibly understand!

0:28:300:28:32

Couldn't understand it! Eventually, when it was your turn,

0:28:350:28:37

you'd have to wait and wait and when it was your special moment

0:28:370:28:40

on the flumes, you'd have to get in position at the top.

0:28:400:28:42

At the top you'd have to hold on to the handles at the

0:28:420:28:44

side, otherwise you'd be sucked off into oblivion.

0:28:440:28:48

And when it was your turn, your special moment on the flumes,

0:28:480:28:51

the 16-year-old, he would turn to you and he would say,

0:28:510:28:54

"You can go now if you want!"

0:28:540:28:56

And you'd launch yourself off and where the flumes had been

0:28:590:29:02

manufactured rather cheaply during the mid-John Major years,

0:29:020:29:06

they were made of panels of fibre glass,

0:29:060:29:09

which had been bolted together and where those panels joined,

0:29:090:29:13

as you went over them, would cut into your back like knives!

0:29:130:29:18

But because you'd been queueing for so long,

0:29:190:29:20

you were desperate to have a good time. So, you'd be on the flumes

0:29:200:29:23

going, "Ow, ow, ow. It's gone light, must be over the car park.

0:29:230:29:28

"Ow, ow, ow."

0:29:280:29:30

And there'd probably be a trickle of water going through,

0:29:300:29:32

that was designed to lubricate your passage.

0:29:320:29:36

And because the cheap and shoddy manufacture,

0:29:360:29:38

sometimes that trickle of water would just have trickled away

0:29:380:29:42

and you would find yourself in a dry bit.

0:29:420:29:45

And because you were eight-years-old and you had no momentum at all,

0:29:450:29:48

you'd just stop!

0:29:480:29:50

You'd just stop! There'd be no way of getting out of it.

0:29:510:29:53

You'd try and scoot your way forward.

0:29:530:29:55

There was nothing you could do.

0:29:550:29:57

You'd think, "Oh, my God, am I dead? Am I dead?"

0:29:570:29:59

"Is this what it is to be dead? Is that what the light is?

0:29:590:30:01

"Oh, no, it's just the car park. How am I going to get out of this?

0:30:010:30:04

"Thank God for the 16-year-old upstairs.

0:30:040:30:06

"He knows I'm here. He'll send for me.

0:30:060:30:09

"He'll send for me. It's all going to be fine.

0:30:090:30:11

"He'll send for me," and at that moment you'd look over your head

0:30:110:30:15

and that's when you'd see the shadow of somebody else on the flumes.

0:30:150:30:20

You think, "Oh, God, it's all on a timer.

0:30:200:30:22

"He just doesn't care at all! He doesn't care."

0:30:220:30:25

You try and scoot yourself along.

0:30:250:30:26

You'd peer over your shoulder. You'd see the toes of somebody else coming

0:30:260:30:29

around the corner. The legs of somebody else.

0:30:290:30:31

The whole body of somebody else coming around the corner

0:30:310:30:34

and that's when you'd realise that it was your mum's friend Joyce...

0:30:340:30:37

..legs akimbo! She'd smashed into the back of you,

0:30:390:30:41

suddenly you'd both be hurtling along together,

0:30:410:30:44

like you were in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom.

0:30:440:30:46

You're nestled in the bosom of her thighs, going so fast,

0:30:460:30:49

from side, to side, to side, to side...

0:30:490:30:51

Both of you screaming for different reasons.

0:30:510:30:55

So fast, from side, to side, to side to side...

0:30:550:30:57

You've never been so fast in your whole life. Would it ever stop?

0:30:570:30:59

Eventually, you'd be thrown out the other end of the flumes.

0:30:590:31:02

You'd fly across the sky, past the palm tree, across the window,

0:31:020:31:05

and then you'd land in the landing pool.

0:31:050:31:07

And then you'd look at each other in a way that said,

0:31:070:31:09

"I never thought we would touch like that!"

0:31:090:31:12

But which also said, "We will never speak of this again!"

0:31:140:31:18

And that's when I first realised that I was gay.

0:31:180:31:21

Thank you very much, Apollo. My name's Tom Allen.

0:31:240:31:27

Goodnight, goodnight!

0:31:270:31:28

CHEERING

0:31:280:31:31

Give it up for Tom Allen!

0:31:360:31:38

CHEERING

0:31:380:31:40

Are you ready for your next act?

0:31:400:31:42

CHEERING

0:31:420:31:44

Your next act tours the world, has come all the way from America.

0:31:440:31:48

He's absolutely brilliant. Please, give it up for Arj Barker!

0:31:480:31:51

All right, all right.

0:32:030:32:05

Good evening. I'm really excited to be here tonight.

0:32:050:32:07

I'm just very happy to be back here in the UK

0:32:070:32:10

and I want to start by thanking the BBC for letting me be on the show.

0:32:100:32:14

It's really awesome that they did.

0:32:140:32:16

It doesn't pay that well, but it's really cool to be here.

0:32:160:32:20

And, they've been so generous.

0:32:210:32:23

They put me up in a hotel right next to a casino in the city.

0:32:230:32:26

They didn't have to do that!

0:32:260:32:28

I'm not criticising the BBC.

0:32:280:32:30

It's not their responsibility to know

0:32:300:32:31

that I have a gambling addiction.

0:32:310:32:34

Because it is self-knowledge.

0:32:340:32:36

And when I go to the casino,

0:32:360:32:38

I only bring the equivalent of 100 to gamble with,

0:32:380:32:41

because I know I can afford to lose that.

0:32:410:32:44

And I bring 25 for food in case I get hungry.

0:32:440:32:49

And 800 for bus fare.

0:32:490:32:51

In case I forget something and have to go home

0:32:530:32:56

a couple of hundred times.

0:32:560:32:57

It's quite a long flight out here.

0:32:570:32:59

And of course, I didn't get to board the plane first,

0:32:590:33:02

because I don't travel with small children.

0:33:020:33:04

People who do travel with small children,

0:33:040:33:06

they go on before anybody else.

0:33:060:33:08

It's a nearly universal airline policy and it's totally unfair.

0:33:080:33:13

I mean, it's not fair at all.

0:33:130:33:14

Never mind that I've spent the better part of a quarter of a century

0:33:140:33:19

flying on the same airline, trying to earn enough status,

0:33:190:33:22

enough loyalty, that maybe I could board the plane first.

0:33:220:33:26

Never mind that.

0:33:260:33:28

Because that guy right over there made a single bad decision

0:33:280:33:31

three years ago.

0:33:310:33:32

So, roll out the red carpet for His Majesty.

0:33:330:33:36

And I'm not having a go at kids or parents.

0:33:370:33:39

In fact, it's in defence of children.

0:33:390:33:41

Little kids don't want to be jammed on the plane right away.

0:33:410:33:44

Small children do not enjoy air travel

0:33:440:33:48

and they've been making this abundantly clear,

0:33:480:33:51

for as long as I can remember.

0:33:510:33:54

In fact, the airline should reverse the policy.

0:33:540:33:57

They should say, small children stay at the airport till the last minute.

0:33:570:34:00

They should say, "Anybody without small children,

0:34:000:34:03

"you may now board the plane first,

0:34:030:34:06

"that you might enjoy a short moment of Zen."

0:34:060:34:10

Then the attendant would guide us, like,

0:34:100:34:12

"OK everybody, just breathe in.

0:34:120:34:14

-"And release."

-HE EXHALES

0:34:140:34:16

OK, here they come.

0:34:170:34:19

"I think I'm ready for this."

0:34:210:34:23

But I also want to admit, in the interest of being open-minded,

0:34:230:34:26

that I don't know why the kids have got to board first.

0:34:260:34:28

Maybe there's a really good reason why the kids have got to board first

0:34:280:34:31

that I don't know about, because I don't get to go on there with them,

0:34:310:34:34

so I don't know what they do in there.

0:34:340:34:36

I mean, maybe they've got to do, like, a pre-flight sound check.

0:34:360:34:40

I'm serious.

0:34:400:34:41

Maybe they get on the plane, and they're like,

0:34:410:34:45

"Wa-a-ah, wa-a-ah!

0:34:450:34:46

"Is that good in the back? Can you hear that?

0:34:460:34:49

"Is that sufficiently piercing?

0:34:490:34:50

"OK, I'm almost ready to let them on,

0:34:500:34:52

"I just want to do a couple of seat kicking warm-ups

0:34:520:34:55

"real quick here first.

0:34:550:34:56

"Check my distance, get the volume up on that iPad,

0:34:560:34:59

"turn the volume up on that iPad real good,

0:34:590:35:00

"I want people on the ground to hear me playing Angry Birds!"

0:35:000:35:06

Do you guys ever worry about the world?

0:35:060:35:08

I get worried. I watched a documentary recently

0:35:080:35:11

about how much the pollution from humans

0:35:110:35:15

is destroying the environment.

0:35:150:35:17

And, after I watched that,

0:35:180:35:22

I was so upset I couldn't even talk.

0:35:220:35:25

I just had to go for a really long drive by myself.

0:35:250:35:30

And just think about shit,

0:35:300:35:32

alone in my Winnebago.

0:35:320:35:34

Windows down, air conditioning up.

0:35:360:35:38

And a bit of hairspray, because when I'm looking good, I'm feeling good.

0:35:390:35:44

I love nature. I spend a lot of time in Australia,

0:35:440:35:47

and unfortunately, I don't want to go out in nature there,

0:35:470:35:50

because I'm self-educated. I know what lives out there.

0:35:500:35:52

My friends there say, "Just go hiking, mate."

0:35:520:35:55

"No, I'm not going!

0:35:550:35:57

"I'm staying right here in this parking lot!"

0:35:570:36:00

"Mate, let's go for a hike!" "No, I'm not going.

0:36:000:36:02

"I know what's out there." They tried to convince me the same way

0:36:020:36:05

every time. They say, "Mate, the snakes are just as afraid of you as

0:36:050:36:09

"you are of them."

0:36:090:36:11

I'm like, "Really?"

0:36:110:36:12

Are you telling me the snakes are sitting up all night, Googling me?

0:36:120:36:18

"Is Arj Barker deadly?

0:36:180:36:20

"Can he kill me? How do I know the good Arj Barkers

0:36:210:36:24

"from the bad Arj Barkers?

0:36:240:36:26

"Why do I have arms?"

0:36:280:36:30

So, most of my adult life, I've been a bachelor,

0:36:330:36:35

but about three years ago, I met somebody and we started dating.

0:36:350:36:38

A year just flew by, and I said, "This is cool.

0:36:380:36:41

"Maybe you should move in.

0:36:410:36:43

"She said, "Great, Arj."

0:36:430:36:44

So she moved in, and now I've been living with my girlfriend

0:36:440:36:47

for just over two years.

0:36:470:36:49

And I want to say living with someone has been such a

0:36:490:36:52

major eye-opener for me.

0:36:520:36:54

It's like the first time in my life when I feel like I truly understand

0:36:540:36:59

why murder happens.

0:36:590:37:01

Because up until now, I would always just think,

0:37:040:37:06

"Why would somebody kill somebody? It's so extreme."

0:37:060:37:09

But these days, at least once a week, I think,

0:37:090:37:13

"Well, we can't take that option off the table."

0:37:130:37:17

I mean, not that I ever would,

0:37:180:37:20

I would never kill anybody intentionally,

0:37:200:37:22

and I'm a pacifist 100%.

0:37:220:37:24

And I also don't want you to think in any way

0:37:240:37:26

that I'm trying to minimise the serious issue of domestic violence.

0:37:260:37:30

All I'm really trying to say is that,

0:37:300:37:32

living with my girlfriend has introduced me to new levels of anger

0:37:320:37:35

within myself that I didn't even know were there before.

0:37:350:37:39

You know, they say, have you heard that thing, sir, where they say,

0:37:390:37:41

when you meet the right person they complete you?

0:37:410:37:44

Have you heard about that?

0:37:440:37:45

Well, it turns out,

0:37:450:37:46

the missing part of me was the really pissed off part.

0:37:460:37:50

OK, there you are, get on in here, you big red-faced son of a bitch.

0:37:500:37:54

And now I am whole.

0:37:560:37:57

And I know that some people here might be a bit concerned and think,

0:37:590:38:02

"Jeez, Arj, how does that joke make your poor girlfriend feel?"

0:38:020:38:04

Well, you oughta know something, London -

0:38:040:38:06

any joke that my girlfriend's involved in,

0:38:060:38:08

she gets to hear it first, and she has to sign off on it,

0:38:080:38:11

before I do it on stage.

0:38:110:38:13

That's a self-volunteering policy out of respect for her.

0:38:130:38:16

So, when I thought of that joke, I thought, "OK, it's a little dark,

0:38:160:38:19

"but I could make it work." But then I thought, "Oh, shit,

0:38:190:38:23

"now I've got to tell her." So, I wanted to wait till the right time,

0:38:230:38:26

till she had a little bit of red wine in her hand, you know,

0:38:260:38:29

I'd just opened up a fresh box that night.

0:38:290:38:31

And she's about to watch her favourite show of all time,

0:38:310:38:35

Downtown Abbey.

0:38:350:38:37

Then I said, "Honey, I've got this new joke, it's about us.

0:38:390:38:41

"It's so stupid, I mean, it's like so over the top.

0:38:410:38:45

"I mean, it's flat-out ridiculous." "Just tell me the joke, Arj."

0:38:450:38:48

So, I told her. And you know what?

0:38:480:38:50

She laughed. And she didn't just laugh,

0:38:500:38:53

she laughed at a level of laughter,

0:38:530:38:55

to the point where I started thinking,

0:38:550:38:57

"Shit, I got to watch my back."

0:38:570:38:58

But I didn't want to tip off to let her know that I was on to her

0:39:020:39:04

and that I'd discovered her plan to eliminate me.

0:39:040:39:07

So, I played it real cool, but I'm a lot more careful now.

0:39:070:39:10

You know, if she said, "Hey, Arj,

0:39:100:39:12

"do you want to go cliff walking with me later?"

0:39:120:39:14

"No, actually...

0:39:140:39:16

"I've got a tonne of shit to do inland."

0:39:160:39:19

You guys are an awesome crowd. Does anybody watch Game Of Thrones?

0:39:220:39:25

CHEERING

0:39:250:39:26

Best show ever. I assume everybody's all caught up,

0:39:260:39:29

can we talk about it in detail?

0:39:290:39:31

-Yeah!

-No!

0:39:310:39:33

A couple of people... Who said, "No"?

0:39:330:39:35

You're not caught up? Oh, there you are. What's your name?

0:39:350:39:38

Sarah.

0:39:380:39:39

Santa? Santa, good to meet you in person,

0:39:390:39:42

thanks for all the presents over the years.

0:39:420:39:44

You're a lot different than what I pictured.

0:39:470:39:50

Lovely to meet you.

0:39:500:39:52

Santa...

0:39:520:39:54

On behalf of yourself and anyone else that isn't caught up on

0:39:560:39:58

Game Of Thrones, I want you to know that I will happily skip over this

0:39:580:40:01

small part of the show, because spoiling popular TV in our culture

0:40:010:40:04

is a huge taboo, Santa. Far be it for me to break that taboo and, yes,

0:40:040:40:08

I pronounce taboo, "taboo."

0:40:080:40:10

So, you have nothing to worry about, Santa.

0:40:130:40:14

But at some point, yes, perhaps a wider discussion about implementing

0:40:140:40:19

a statute of limitations, with regards to how much authority

0:40:190:40:23

the spoiler police have in our world,

0:40:230:40:25

because at some point, I would like to freely discuss the movie ET

0:40:250:40:28

with my friends in public without getting my head ripped off.

0:40:280:40:33

"Shut up, Arj, shut up, I'm watching it this weekend!

0:40:330:40:37

"Shut up, don't talk about it."

0:40:370:40:39

When a guy goes home, he goes home!

0:40:390:40:42

He goes home, Santa.

0:40:430:40:45

Maybe you ought to go home and start watching some shit.

0:40:470:40:52

Goddamn, it's called, "Must See TV."

0:40:540:40:57

Is there something unclear about that?

0:40:570:41:00

It's not called, "see it whenever the fuck you get around to it."

0:41:000:41:03

Meanwhile, slap a gagging order on the rest of civilisation.

0:41:030:41:08

You know something, Santa, you seem real nice, but you know what?

0:41:080:41:12

You're the spoiler.

0:41:120:41:14

You spoil an enjoyable conversation for other adults,

0:41:160:41:19

because you're too goddamn lazy to sit around and watch TV all day,

0:41:190:41:22

like the rest of us.

0:41:220:41:25

And I'm glad to see you're still smiling,

0:41:260:41:28

because you've actually helped me out a lot. OK?

0:41:280:41:30

This is part of my show, Santa.

0:41:300:41:33

And if on any particular night when I'm doing this joke and I say to the

0:41:330:41:36

audience, are you all caught up in the Game Of Thrones?

0:41:360:41:39

And on that particular night, Santa, the entire audience says, "Yeah,

0:41:390:41:43

"We're are all caught up, Arj."

0:41:430:41:46

Guess what, Santa? I'm fucked.

0:41:460:41:48

Because I would have lost two minutes of, arguably, some of the

0:41:580:42:01

strongest material in my whole set.

0:42:010:42:05

And I've never even seen Game Of Thrones.

0:42:050:42:08

OK?

0:42:080:42:09

I'm not going to watch that bullshit.

0:42:090:42:11

But this has been wonderful.

0:42:170:42:18

I'm about to get out of here and I want to just

0:42:180:42:20

thank you all for coming out here and being a great crowd.

0:42:200:42:23

You really cheered me up and I was a little bit low when I showed up here

0:42:230:42:26

tonight, I'm going to admit that.

0:42:260:42:28

Don't worry, it's not clinical.

0:42:280:42:31

Depression is a serious thing.

0:42:310:42:33

I was just feeling a little bit low and it's my fault anyway.

0:42:330:42:36

I'm the one that chose to watch Marley And Me

0:42:360:42:38

on Blu-ray right before I left the hotel.

0:42:380:42:40

And it's even more sad in high-def.

0:42:420:42:44

Even though I knew it was going to happen, it was even more sad.

0:42:460:42:49

Have you seen Marley And Me, sir?

0:42:490:42:50

You haven't seen it? Well, you better brace yourself emotionally,

0:42:500:42:54

because it is very sad.

0:42:540:42:56

I'm not going to ruin it, but just be prepared.

0:42:560:42:59

I don't know if you know, but the sequel is just called Me.

0:42:590:43:03

Just be careful.

0:43:030:43:05

That's it from me. Thank you very much!

0:43:050:43:08

Thank you. Thank you.

0:43:080:43:10

CHEERING

0:43:100:43:12

Give it up for Arj Barker!

0:43:150:43:18

CHEERING

0:43:180:43:20

You've been such an amazing crowd. Thanks ever so much for coming.

0:43:230:43:25

Please, give it up for the people you've seen tonight, Tom Allen,

0:43:250:43:28

Arj Barker, and I've been Sarah Millican. Goodnight!

0:43:280:43:31

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. In this first episode, the fabulously funny Sarah Millican is host, introducing rising comedy star Tom Allen and US comedian Arj Barker to the stage.