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This programme contains some strong language
Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome your host for tonight -
Good evening, welcome to Live At The Apollo.
Ah! Are you well?
CHEERING Excellent, I'm glad. I'm also well.
I had a migraine in a few weeks ago,
I don't get them often enough to worry about, but I do get them every
now and again. And I thought, "I'll go on Twitter
"and ask people on Twitter how they get rid of their migraines."
Give us a cheer if you are on Twitter.
I got the usual sort of expected responses, and then,
my favourite one came up, and it said, "Two Nurofen and a wank."
And it totally worked.
If anything, it just pushed the throbbing down a bit.
A few of you on Twitter, excellent.
It's lovely to be here. I've got pets.
I've got two cats and a dog.
I'll tell you about those. My cats, they don't always get on.
Sometimes, they kind of chase each other. It looks a bit aggressive.
So, what I do, to kind of break that up, to distract them,
we use a laser pen. You will have seen these. So, the cats have been
chasing each other around, one or both of them will become transfixed
by a little red dot that has appeared on the ceiling or the
walls or the floor. And it's so effective that we've started using
it in our own relationship.
So, I'll be saying something like, "All I want you to do when you've
"finished with your wet towels is put them in the... Ooh! Ooh!"
But whenever you introduce a new cat into a household
that already has a cat, there's always a bit of aggro while they work out the hierarchy,
then it settles down. The day I knew our two were going to be OK with
each other was the day I walked into our bedroom and they were lying on
the bed like that...
They weren't quite spooning, but it was good enough for me.
I climbed on behind them. Big Mama Spoon's getting on.
"I'll be the ladle." I don't know what that means.
For about two minutes it was utter perfection,
and then Brodie leaned over to Ripley, the little girl cat,
and just started licking her arsehole.
I don't think Mama Spoon's supposed to be here for that bit.
She was brilliant though, she was lying with her legs shut like that,
as soon as he started licking her arsehole she went,
"Oh, that's lovely." It's not just the cats, we've got a dog as well.
We got a dog about a year and a half ago. He's a rescue dog,
and he is genuinely the light of my life.
He really is. He's absolutely adorable.
We had some problems with him in the beginning,
I suppose. Well, he didn't know how to play, which was quite sad.
He didn't know how to play. So, what we'd do was, we'd try and throw a
ball at him, he didn't really understand. He'd been in kennels for
a year, so I suppose it's understandable.
And all sorts of toys we got, he didn't get any of it.
And then one day my husband was getting ready for bed,
and as he pulled off one of his socks the dog jumped up and grabbed it and they had a little game.
It was so nice to see the dog play. On further investigation,
we've discovered that the dog doesn't like clean socks.
He only likes the ones my husband refers to as, "meaty."
He also doesn't like my socks, which I suppose is a compliment,
cos I guess it means they're not very meaty.
But I'm still quite hurt by that.
But I'm nothing if not competitive, in love.
And I thought, "What could I throw at him
"that would be worse than socks?"
Some of you were quite quick there.
I did exactly what you think I did.
I throw my pants at him and he fucking loves it.
He runs around with them on his head, like he's scored a goal.
We've never had a dog before, so we thought we should probably get
some dog books and learn how to look after a dog. The dog books don't
teach you everything, they just tell you the basics.
Quite a lot of it you have to learn on your own.
One of the things that we learned on our own -
I knew that one of his jobs, one of his chores,
one of his responsibilities, if you like, was to keep his gentleman's
area clean. I don't know why I'm doing that,
like I've got a gentleman's area. That's slightly worrying.
We knew he'd keep his bits and bobs nice and clean.
We knew that was one of his jobs.
But I did not know how regularly he would do that.
How thoroughly he would do that.
Or how loudly he would do that.
Until I got a dog, I had no idea what it sounds like
when a cock's being sucked over there.
I've always been an animal lover, always have been.
One of the differences I noticed when I moved to the countryside,
having lived in the city centre for so long,
is that power cuts last a lot longer.
The first power-cut we had in the countryside lasted 26 hours.
I've never experienced anything like that before.
And we realised by 6pm,
that the power wasn't going to come back on that night,
so we just prepared for a night without power. Now luckily,
my husband is quite Bear Grylls.
CHEERING I know! So, he went foraging for curry.
But before he left he said to me,
"Don't waste battery power on the torches."
I said, "OK." He said, "Just light a few candles."
Now, I'm not a very girlie girl.
Candles are never something I would especially buy for myself.
But luckily, I've got loads of friends who don't know me at all...
Shit-loads of scented candles.
So, I lit a few, and by the time my husband came back in I was relaxed,
horny and excited for Christmas.
Something else I seem to have acquired
that I would never buy for myself is sticks in a jar.
Have you seen this? Sticks in a jar? Sticks in a jar.
Does anybody know what the real name is?
Reed diffuser. Somebody shouted over here. Reed diffuser.
If you don't know what it is,
it's just a jar that has perfume in it, and the reeds are the sticks,
carry the perfume up, make the room smell nice.
I didn't know any of this when this was given to me as a present.
It reminded me quite a lot of the incense sticks that my friend had
had when I visited her at university.
So, I nearly lit the thing!
I almost accidentally created a Jo Malone Molotov cocktail!
There's quite a few girlie things I can't really partake in.
Another example, I can't have anything in the bath
that isn't me or the water. Can't have bath bombs, bath oil,
bubble bath, bath salts. None of those things.
If I have any of those things it makes down there raw.
I mean, both spellings, like R-A-W,
red, angry, shiny. You know, like you've peeled it. Like that.
AUDIENCE GASP AND GROAN
You all just pictured for a second there, didn't you?
And the other spelling, R-O-A-R. Argh!
I'm pretty sure that's what the Katy Perry song is about.
SHE SINGS ROAR BY KATY PERRY
It's like that old pub joke, you know,
that old pub joke. Two monkeys in the bath, one of them goes,
"Ooh, ooh, ooh." And the other one goes, "Oh, sorry,
"I forgot you had a very sensitive vagina."
Yeah? You know that joke?
See, that sentence there, "I've got a really sensitive vagina."
I meant that in a practical way. But you can also say that at,
sort of, sexy time as well, couldn't you?
You've got to be careful. There are some sentences that have that dual meaning.
You've got to be careful. Here's another one.
They trip you up, here's another one. I'm not wearing any knickers.
Cos I've got a touch of thrush and I'm trying to get a bit of air round.
I've got a friend who was in her late 60s, she said,
"I used to be like you with your bath bombs and whatnot."
I said, "Used to be? What's changed?" She said, "Oh, well,
"when you get to my age, you can have whatever you like
"in the bath, because it's all dead down there."
That is a small upside to a big downside, isn't it?
"I have no feeling whatsoever in my vagina,
"but finally I get to go to Lush!"
A long time ago I was reading a book,
you know those books that are ostensibly a romance,
but have got a couple of pages of filth in the middle?
They're smashing. I was reading one of those books,
and on one of the pages of filth,
the lady of the book poured some champagne...
And the man in the book drank the champagne...
And me and my boyfriend at the time, this is 20 years ago,
we decided we were going to have a go at this.
We couldn't afford champagne, so we bought some Lambrusco.
I'd forgotten that the lady in the book was lying flat.
I was sitting upright, just poured it on and it ran straight in.
Smarted like a bastard!
I told that story to a friend of mine recently, and she said,
"Is that why you don't drink?"
No. Not once when someone has asked me why don't I drink
have I answered, "Because it hurts my fanny."
You're doing it wrong then.
You don't have to take the cork out like that.
It was a screw cap. Imagine these skills I'd need for a screw cap.
About a year ago, I had a sore throat for a bit too long.
I went to see my doctor. My doctor said, "I'm going to send you to see
"a specialist. An ear, nose and throat specialist." I said, "OK."
So, off I go to see this fellow, lovely fellow he was.
He said to me, "Do you suffer from acid reflux?" And I said, "No."
And then when I got home, I realised I should have said yes,
cos my husband and I eat so many Rennies
that we call them bathroom sweets.
He said, "I'd like you to take Gaviscon after every meal."
I said, "After every meal or after every time I've eaten?"
"Cos those two are very different numbers."
He said, "What I'd like to do is put a camera down your throat, so we can
"have a proper look at what we're dealing with." I said, "OK."
I thought, "This is the bit where he sends me away
"and I come back in six months with a new appointment,
and he went, "No, no, we can do that now." "Oh, shit!"
He got out this contraption, metal like this, metal like this.
The main thing you need to know is that it's very rigid.
None of it moves, so I had to move, because it wouldn't move.
And he put it down my throat and I instantly gagged.
SHE IMITATES GAGGING
And he pulled it out, and he said, "Are you going to be OK with this?"
And I went, "Yes!" And he put it back in.
SHE IMITATES GAGGING I was mortified.
He said, "Do me a favour, the next time you think you're going to gag,
I said, "Why?" And he said, "It stops you gagging."
And I thought, "Noted."
My husband's going to think he's being sucked off by a Geordie pensioner.
And who knows, some day, he might be.
No, I meant that we're pensioners. I don't mean, like, for a present.
Come on in, Doris, he's ready for his gift now.
# Happy birthday to e-e-e-h! #
Oh, yeah, turned 41 this year. I like being in my 40s.
Give us a cheer if you're 40 and above.
I like it. I don't give a shit about unimportant things any more.
I think that's what it boils down to.
Quite a few things changed when I turned 40 last year.
One of the things that changed is
that I've stopped sniffing my leggings.
I used to sniff them to see if I could get another day out of them.
Whereas now, I just assume that I can.
And I read, on a proper form,
a probable official document recently,
the term, "women's problems." And I thought, in 2016, really?
It says, "women's problems"?
And I thought, "why doesn't it just say periods?"
Menstruation? There's nothing wrong with those words.
Just like there's nothing wrong with the actual thing,
it's perfectly normal. It's natural. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's part of life. It seems peculiar to me. So what I've decided to do,
and you can come with me if you like, I've decided to bypass the
word, "periods," if people find it so offensive,
and I'm going to say this instead.
So, if somebody says to me, "Are you all right?"
I'm going to go, "Oh, I'm clotting."
See, the word period isn't so bad now, is it? No.
But a lot of the euphemisms for periods are really horrible.
It's such a bad reflection of how normal it is.
So, if clotting horrifies you, I get it.
So, I made up another one. This is a bit lighter, a bit more playful.
Perhaps this will appeal to you more. This is it.
It's WI week, because I'm making jam.
Do you get it? Do you get it?
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
Some of you are more horrified by that than you were by clotting!
And I think I have ruined afternoon teas for everyone.
Sorry about that.
I read a really good statistic that said that 67% of
women, so two thirds of women, don't bath or shower every day.
And my first reaction, because I bath or shower every day,
my first reaction was, "That's disgusting."
My second reaction was to start sniffing my friends.
My third reaction was, "Well, if they're not doing it,
"I'm not going to do it."
I do mostly bath or shower every day, but every now and again,
if I'm running late, or I've got an early appointment, or I slept in,
anything like that, I do, instead,
what my mam would refer to as a flannel job.
Now, this is a good tip for the women in the room who do have pubic
hair - the next time you do a flannel job,
if you do it in a circular motion you can Afro it right up.
It's really fun.
You can get a proper bouffant going, if you like.
That's not a joke. That's just a tip for you to take home and try.
In a room of this size, there'll be at least 40 or 50 women
tomorrow morning who'll be like, "I'm going to give it a go.
"I'm going to give it a go."
I went for a massage.
Give us a cheer if you've ever been for a massage.
I don't like it. I like the bit at the end,
where I feel all floppy and relaxed, that bit.
When I'm like, "I might never wear a bra again."
I don't like the actual activity itself.
I feel very uncomfortable being in front of a stranger in my pants.
So, what happens is, I book the massage,
I get so stressed and tense on the build-up to the massage,
that the best she can do at the massage is get me back down to the
level of stress I was that before I booked the massage.
The one thing they do in those appointments that I don't like is
when they teach you how to breathe. They do that, don't they?
Like, I'm 41. The breathing's been going pretty well, thanks.
But they do that, don't they? They go, "And breathe in..."
SHE INHALES DEEPLY
SHE EXHALES DEEPLY
"And breathe out." I could have died. I could have died!
If I'd waited for her.
The last massage I had she said, "This is an aromatherapy massage."
I said, "That's correct." She said, "I've got three different oils,
"I want you to smell each one, pick the one you like the best,
"and will use that one. I said, "Champion."
She unscrewed the lid off the first one,
she wafted it in front of my nose, I said, "Is that Eucalyptus?
"Eucalyptus, is it? Like a menthol, like a menthol?"
"Is it menthol? Is it menthol? Is it menthol? It's like mint? Is it mint?
"Is it mint? Is it mint?" She said, "You don't have to guess what it is."
The second one, she wafted in front of my nose, I said, "Is that lemon?
"Is it lemon? Lemon? Is it lemon? Is it like a citrus?"
Like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a general sort of
"citrus? Is it grapefruit? Is a grapefruit?"
She said, "It's not a quiz."
The third one, she wafted it in front of my nose, and I did like it,
but I didn't know what it was, and I said, I'll have that one."
She said, "Good." She read the label on the bottle.
She said, "That's happy."
I thought, "I was never going to win the quiz, was I?"
My worst bit of a massage is the bit in a full body massage where they
make you turn over on the table, because the tables are very narrow.
And I am not.
They do at least hold the towel up, don't they?
So, you can flubber, flubber over in private.
Or so I thought. The last one she held the tower up, I flubber,
flubber, flubbered over. I was almost in position,
when our eyes locked in the mirrored wall at the end of the room.
My friend said to me, "That's not my worst bit of a massage."
I said, "What's your worst bit?" She said, "I don't like the bit where
"they pull your knickers down a little bit."
I said, "Well, they'd have to do that with me, otherwise they wouldn't get half my back."
But I went for a massage with a friend of mine.
We were in the waiting area and the woman came out and she said,
"Ladies, ladies, ladies, just to let you know that on staff today
"we have a male massage therapist, and I was wondering if either of you
"would mind..." And my friend went, "I'll have him."
And I said to her afterwards, I said, "Look, you're single,
"you can always have the bloke if you want,
"but just let her finish her question first,
"maybe leave it a second, and then say, 'I suppose I don't mind,'
"rather than, 'I'll have him.' "
She came out of this massage with this huge beaming smile on her face.
I said, "Was it a good massage?" She said, "Oh, yeah."
I said, "That's good." She said, "I felt his erection."
Now we take turns to pay, and I thought,
"I'm not paying if she's had extras."
I said, "You felt his erection?" She said, "Yes, on my elbow."
Now, I don't know what your elbows are like,
but mine is like rhino skin.
I'd be hard pushed to tell hot from cold with mine.
That would be an excellent game show, wouldn't it?
"Cock or not, cock or not?"
One thing I don't like, and this might come across overly mean,
I hope it doesn't, but it might come across that way.
I don't like a skinny massage therapist.
The one I use at the moment is about my size, maybe a little bit bigger.
I don't like the skinny ones. They've never said anything to me,
but in my mind, when they're massaging me, they are doing this...
"Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!
"Going to need more time, it's a bigger surface area!"
And the whole time I'm being massaged, there's an inner monologue
going on up here. Outside, I'm the picture of composure, but in here,
it's going crazy, and it depends where she starts.
So, if she starts at the bottom, I'll be like, "Oh, tickly feet, tickly feet.
"Oh, she's gone up to the bit where I've got broken veins,
"I don't like that bit. Oh, too close to my fanny!
"too close to my fanny! Too close to my fanny!"
So, I'm lying there,
covered in happy...
A very different version of Snow White than we're used to, yes?
..and the massage ends.
And she did what they always do, she put on like a chocolaty voice...
They always do this, don't they? And she said, "Just relax,
"there's plenty of time. There's no need for you to rush.
"Please, just stay relaxed. There's so much time,
"I just want you to stay relaxed. There's no need for...
"Please, just stay relaxed."
What she didn't know is that I'd
been dying for a fart for 40 minutes!
The door had barely clicked shut when I let out the loudest,
most tromboniest fart you've ever heard in your life.
Remember, I was covered in oil.
It was like the Salvation Army band had popped in.
And I'm right in the middle of potentially the best fart of my life
when she came back in with a glass of water.
And I half expected her to go, "Is that curry?
"Is it curry? Is it curry? Is that curry? Is it curry?"
And, if she had, I'd have gone,
"No, love, that's happy."
Are you ready for your first act?
Your first act is a good friend of mine.
He's been on tour with me for the last year
and he's one of my favourite comics and one of my favourite men.
Please, give it up for the wonderful Mr Tom Allen!
Hello, everyone. Hello, are you well?
Oh, good. Well, it's so wonderful to be here in,
erm, erm, you know.
And so, I'm gay.
I don't know if I needed to explain that. And if you've seen me before,
I'm still gay.
If anything, it's getting worse.
And I'm completely gay as well, like,
I've never tried it any other way.
I've never tried it with a woman.
I'm a thoroughbred.
And, I mean, really, I wouldn't know a vagina if it hit me in the face.
I mean, can they do that, have they got hands?
I've never seen one.
Though I have been twatted.
And, I realise, I come up here and I talk and sound all posh, don't I?
Probably quite intimidatingly so to you, but...
I'm not actually from a very posh family at all.
I'm from a very ordinary, ordinary family
and I went to a very ordinary, very ordinary comprehensive school, very ordinary.
I know, isn't it moving?
And I do think at school, like, they try and prepare you for life,
don't they? I don't know how well they do it.
Like, I remember at primary school,
they used to try and prepare us for life
by giving us assemblies every day. We'd have assembly every day,
when we'd all be sat on the floor in the hall in rows,
and then the teachers would be sat on the end of the rows, on chairs,
because they were stronger.
And then our headteacher, called Mr Babbage, would come in,
and he'd come in, he'd walk to the front, and he'd say,
"Good morning, everybody."
And then the whole school would go,
"Good morning, Mr Babbage!"
Because they were all drunk.
And then he'd read us a story, and it would all ways be a story about,
like, how to make a soup, out of stones?
And I think Jesus was there somewhere.
And is always a moral, and the moral was always something like,
And then after that, he'd sometimes read us a letter from Rapa Mundi.
And was this girl, right,
we were always raising money for in India.
And she would write us these letters about how dreadful her life was.
And she did have an awful, awful, dreadful, dreadful, awful, awful,
awful, dreadful, dreadful, awful, dreadful, dreadful life,
but then she always found time to write.
And then, after that,
we'd always have a collection of postage stamps for guide dogs.
I don't know who these guide dogs were writing to.
And then eventually, when you've done enough of that, eventually,
then you'd get to go of course to secondary school, don't you?
Secondary school, and that's where you get to learn really interesting things at secondary school,
isn't it? Like, you get to learn about novels in English,
and you get to learn about fingering...
..and you get to learn about, like, proper grown-up maths, don't you?
Or math, as they say in America, don't they?
Math. Math. Math. But we do it more than once.
And I remember learning things like Pythagoras' theorem.
Do you remember that, Pythagoras' theorem? Do you remember that?
Do you number that? Sohcahtoa? Do you remember that?
Sohcahtoa? Sohcahtoa? It's a thing, I'm not just having a stroke.
Sohcahtoa. Sohcahtoa means sine equals opposite over hypotenuse,
cosine equals adjacent over hypotenuse.
I mean, now, as an adult, looking back, it would have been nice,
wouldn't it, if they'd spent maybe half an hour, or even just like,
even just like ten minutes, really, just, just ten minutes,
just ten minutes, going, "This is a pension scheme."
This is a tax return and this is how you're going to have a
broken heart and this is how you tell an estate agent to fuck off.
But they don't, they don't, they don't.
Tangent equals opposite over adjacent, which is good to know,
because sometimes you do find yourself in a triangle.
But I did have a very happy childhood.
And I remember one of the most exciting things that happened to me
when I was about eight-years-old.
I'm 33 now. I know.
But when I was about eight years old,
in the sort of early to mid-'90s, the mid-John Major years,
as we call them, and the most exciting thing that can happen to
probably anybody during that time, and Lord knows there weren't many
exciting things then, unless you were Edwina Currie.
But the most exciting thing that could happen to you during that time
was that your local authority would open up a leisure centre.
These leisure centres were not ordinary sports centres, no, no.
What they had inside them were subtropical paradises.
And these subtropical paradises were basically swimming pools.
Swimming pools that were designed to look like the sea,
if the sea had been tiled?
And the other thing they also had were flumes.
And flumes were water slides, which went outside of the building,
because nothing is more exciting than being on a water slide
over the car park!
And they were wonderful places to go to and we knew they
subtropical paradises, because they'd have one palm tree made of plastic.
And it would have huge windows,
which overlooked the dual carriageway.
And you felt very, very exclusive to be in there,
because you were in a place that was boiling hot,
that smelt of bacon and bleach and people were doing things there'd
never done before, like they were going into Jacuzzis.
What is a Jacuzzi? It's basically just a bath with strangers.
It's supposed to be so relaxing, isn't it, with those jets of water?
But to me, it felt like someone standing behind me going...
..and not in a good way!
It's the wrong height.
And then, often, they would have a cafe in there, which was wonderful,
because it meant you got to paddle through chlorinated water
and then slip on a chip.
But the best thing, the best thing,
that could happen to you while you were in the subtropical paradise
would be that they would start up the wave machine.
And the wave machine would be heralded with a siren
and the siren sounded a bit like this.
And when you heard that siren, it didn't matter where you were,
everyone would come flocking to the water.
They'd come wading into the water. Wading into the water.
Wading into the water, like they'd come to hear the good news!
They'd come to be baptised!
Everybody would come into the water.
You'd see everybody you knew. You'd see people you knew.
Like, you'd see your mum's friend, Joyce. She'd be there,
in her bikini. Basically just in her underwear.
"Didn't think I'd see you like that Joyce!"
Everybody would come wading in. Wading in up to your ankles.
Up to your knees. Up to your hips, wherever you felt most comfortable
and when the wave machine really got going, when it really got going,
the best thing that it would make you do,
is it would make you go like this...
It was a wonderful time to be alive!
But then the wave machine would stop very abruptly and you'd know it had stopped,
because suddenly, two old women would get in and start to do a very
stately breaststroke across the back of the swimming pool,
which allowed them to continue their conversation,
but which also kept their perms immaculately dry.
And when you saw them you'd think,
"Oh, it's all over. I want to try something else now.
"I want to try something else."
And that's probably when you decide to go on the flumes.
To get on the flumes, you'd have to queue on the stairs at the side.
You'd have to stand on a staircase, in your trunks,
basically in your underwear, on a staircase getting cold.
It's a very unusual feeling I think, standing on a staircase in your
underwear, getting cold - unless maybe you have a lot of affairs.
And you'd have to stand on the staircase. You'd have to queue for ages.
There'd probably be two flumes, but one would be closed,
because last week somebody died.
And you'd have to queue and the flumes would be managed by
a 16-year-old, who had a whistle and no qualifications at all!
And he was using some sort of green and red lighting system,
which we couldn't possibly understand!
Couldn't understand it! Eventually, when it was your turn,
you'd have to wait and wait and when it was your special moment
on the flumes, you'd have to get in position at the top.
At the top you'd have to hold on to the handles at the
side, otherwise you'd be sucked off into oblivion.
And when it was your turn, your special moment on the flumes,
the 16-year-old, he would turn to you and he would say,
"You can go now if you want!"
And you'd launch yourself off and where the flumes had been
manufactured rather cheaply during the mid-John Major years,
they were made of panels of fibre glass,
which had been bolted together and where those panels joined,
as you went over them, would cut into your back like knives!
But because you'd been queueing for so long,
you were desperate to have a good time. So, you'd be on the flumes
going, "Ow, ow, ow. It's gone light, must be over the car park.
"Ow, ow, ow."
And there'd probably be a trickle of water going through,
that was designed to lubricate your passage.
And because the cheap and shoddy manufacture,
sometimes that trickle of water would just have trickled away
and you would find yourself in a dry bit.
And because you were eight-years-old and you had no momentum at all,
you'd just stop!
You'd just stop! There'd be no way of getting out of it.
You'd try and scoot your way forward.
There was nothing you could do.
You'd think, "Oh, my God, am I dead? Am I dead?"
"Is this what it is to be dead? Is that what the light is?
"Oh, no, it's just the car park. How am I going to get out of this?
"Thank God for the 16-year-old upstairs.
"He knows I'm here. He'll send for me.
"He'll send for me. It's all going to be fine.
"He'll send for me," and at that moment you'd look over your head
and that's when you'd see the shadow of somebody else on the flumes.
You think, "Oh, God, it's all on a timer.
"He just doesn't care at all! He doesn't care."
You try and scoot yourself along.
You'd peer over your shoulder. You'd see the toes of somebody else coming
around the corner. The legs of somebody else.
The whole body of somebody else coming around the corner
and that's when you'd realise that it was your mum's friend Joyce...
..legs akimbo! She'd smashed into the back of you,
suddenly you'd both be hurtling along together,
like you were in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom.
You're nestled in the bosom of her thighs, going so fast,
from side, to side, to side, to side...
Both of you screaming for different reasons.
So fast, from side, to side, to side to side...
You've never been so fast in your whole life. Would it ever stop?
Eventually, you'd be thrown out the other end of the flumes.
You'd fly across the sky, past the palm tree, across the window,
and then you'd land in the landing pool.
And then you'd look at each other in a way that said,
"I never thought we would touch like that!"
But which also said, "We will never speak of this again!"
And that's when I first realised that I was gay.
Thank you very much, Apollo. My name's Tom Allen.
Give it up for Tom Allen!
Are you ready for your next act?
Your next act tours the world, has come all the way from America.
He's absolutely brilliant. Please, give it up for Arj Barker!
All right, all right.
Good evening. I'm really excited to be here tonight.
I'm just very happy to be back here in the UK
and I want to start by thanking the BBC for letting me be on the show.
It's really awesome that they did.
It doesn't pay that well, but it's really cool to be here.
And, they've been so generous.
They put me up in a hotel right next to a casino in the city.
They didn't have to do that!
I'm not criticising the BBC.
It's not their responsibility to know
that I have a gambling addiction.
Because it is self-knowledge.
And when I go to the casino,
I only bring the equivalent of 100 to gamble with,
because I know I can afford to lose that.
And I bring 25 for food in case I get hungry.
And 800 for bus fare.
In case I forget something and have to go home
a couple of hundred times.
It's quite a long flight out here.
And of course, I didn't get to board the plane first,
because I don't travel with small children.
People who do travel with small children,
they go on before anybody else.
It's a nearly universal airline policy and it's totally unfair.
I mean, it's not fair at all.
Never mind that I've spent the better part of a quarter of a century
flying on the same airline, trying to earn enough status,
enough loyalty, that maybe I could board the plane first.
Never mind that.
Because that guy right over there made a single bad decision
three years ago.
So, roll out the red carpet for His Majesty.
And I'm not having a go at kids or parents.
In fact, it's in defence of children.
Little kids don't want to be jammed on the plane right away.
Small children do not enjoy air travel
and they've been making this abundantly clear,
for as long as I can remember.
In fact, the airline should reverse the policy.
They should say, small children stay at the airport till the last minute.
They should say, "Anybody without small children,
"you may now board the plane first,
"that you might enjoy a short moment of Zen."
Then the attendant would guide us, like,
"OK everybody, just breathe in.
OK, here they come.
"I think I'm ready for this."
But I also want to admit, in the interest of being open-minded,
that I don't know why the kids have got to board first.
Maybe there's a really good reason why the kids have got to board first
that I don't know about, because I don't get to go on there with them,
so I don't know what they do in there.
I mean, maybe they've got to do, like, a pre-flight sound check.
Maybe they get on the plane, and they're like,
"Is that good in the back? Can you hear that?
"Is that sufficiently piercing?
"OK, I'm almost ready to let them on,
"I just want to do a couple of seat kicking warm-ups
"real quick here first.
"Check my distance, get the volume up on that iPad,
"turn the volume up on that iPad real good,
"I want people on the ground to hear me playing Angry Birds!"
Do you guys ever worry about the world?
I get worried. I watched a documentary recently
about how much the pollution from humans
is destroying the environment.
And, after I watched that,
I was so upset I couldn't even talk.
I just had to go for a really long drive by myself.
And just think about shit,
alone in my Winnebago.
Windows down, air conditioning up.
And a bit of hairspray, because when I'm looking good, I'm feeling good.
I love nature. I spend a lot of time in Australia,
and unfortunately, I don't want to go out in nature there,
because I'm self-educated. I know what lives out there.
My friends there say, "Just go hiking, mate."
"No, I'm not going!
"I'm staying right here in this parking lot!"
"Mate, let's go for a hike!" "No, I'm not going.
"I know what's out there." They tried to convince me the same way
every time. They say, "Mate, the snakes are just as afraid of you as
"you are of them."
I'm like, "Really?"
Are you telling me the snakes are sitting up all night, Googling me?
"Is Arj Barker deadly?
"Can he kill me? How do I know the good Arj Barkers
"from the bad Arj Barkers?
"Why do I have arms?"
So, most of my adult life, I've been a bachelor,
but about three years ago, I met somebody and we started dating.
A year just flew by, and I said, "This is cool.
"Maybe you should move in.
"She said, "Great, Arj."
So she moved in, and now I've been living with my girlfriend
for just over two years.
And I want to say living with someone has been such a
major eye-opener for me.
It's like the first time in my life when I feel like I truly understand
why murder happens.
Because up until now, I would always just think,
"Why would somebody kill somebody? It's so extreme."
But these days, at least once a week, I think,
"Well, we can't take that option off the table."
I mean, not that I ever would,
I would never kill anybody intentionally,
and I'm a pacifist 100%.
And I also don't want you to think in any way
that I'm trying to minimise the serious issue of domestic violence.
All I'm really trying to say is that,
living with my girlfriend has introduced me to new levels of anger
within myself that I didn't even know were there before.
You know, they say, have you heard that thing, sir, where they say,
when you meet the right person they complete you?
Have you heard about that?
Well, it turns out,
the missing part of me was the really pissed off part.
OK, there you are, get on in here, you big red-faced son of a bitch.
And now I am whole.
And I know that some people here might be a bit concerned and think,
"Jeez, Arj, how does that joke make your poor girlfriend feel?"
Well, you oughta know something, London -
any joke that my girlfriend's involved in,
she gets to hear it first, and she has to sign off on it,
before I do it on stage.
That's a self-volunteering policy out of respect for her.
So, when I thought of that joke, I thought, "OK, it's a little dark,
"but I could make it work." But then I thought, "Oh, shit,
"now I've got to tell her." So, I wanted to wait till the right time,
till she had a little bit of red wine in her hand, you know,
I'd just opened up a fresh box that night.
And she's about to watch her favourite show of all time,
Then I said, "Honey, I've got this new joke, it's about us.
"It's so stupid, I mean, it's like so over the top.
"I mean, it's flat-out ridiculous." "Just tell me the joke, Arj."
So, I told her. And you know what?
She laughed. And she didn't just laugh,
she laughed at a level of laughter,
to the point where I started thinking,
"Shit, I got to watch my back."
But I didn't want to tip off to let her know that I was on to her
and that I'd discovered her plan to eliminate me.
So, I played it real cool, but I'm a lot more careful now.
You know, if she said, "Hey, Arj,
"do you want to go cliff walking with me later?"
"I've got a tonne of shit to do inland."
You guys are an awesome crowd. Does anybody watch Game Of Thrones?
Best show ever. I assume everybody's all caught up,
can we talk about it in detail?
A couple of people... Who said, "No"?
You're not caught up? Oh, there you are. What's your name?
Santa? Santa, good to meet you in person,
thanks for all the presents over the years.
You're a lot different than what I pictured.
Lovely to meet you.
On behalf of yourself and anyone else that isn't caught up on
Game Of Thrones, I want you to know that I will happily skip over this
small part of the show, because spoiling popular TV in our culture
is a huge taboo, Santa. Far be it for me to break that taboo and, yes,
I pronounce taboo, "taboo."
So, you have nothing to worry about, Santa.
But at some point, yes, perhaps a wider discussion about implementing
a statute of limitations, with regards to how much authority
the spoiler police have in our world,
because at some point, I would like to freely discuss the movie ET
with my friends in public without getting my head ripped off.
"Shut up, Arj, shut up, I'm watching it this weekend!
"Shut up, don't talk about it."
When a guy goes home, he goes home!
He goes home, Santa.
Maybe you ought to go home and start watching some shit.
Goddamn, it's called, "Must See TV."
Is there something unclear about that?
It's not called, "see it whenever the fuck you get around to it."
Meanwhile, slap a gagging order on the rest of civilisation.
You know something, Santa, you seem real nice, but you know what?
You're the spoiler.
You spoil an enjoyable conversation for other adults,
because you're too goddamn lazy to sit around and watch TV all day,
like the rest of us.
And I'm glad to see you're still smiling,
because you've actually helped me out a lot. OK?
This is part of my show, Santa.
And if on any particular night when I'm doing this joke and I say to the
audience, are you all caught up in the Game Of Thrones?
And on that particular night, Santa, the entire audience says, "Yeah,
"We're are all caught up, Arj."
Guess what, Santa? I'm fucked.
Because I would have lost two minutes of, arguably, some of the
strongest material in my whole set.
And I've never even seen Game Of Thrones.
I'm not going to watch that bullshit.
But this has been wonderful.
I'm about to get out of here and I want to just
thank you all for coming out here and being a great crowd.
You really cheered me up and I was a little bit low when I showed up here
tonight, I'm going to admit that.
Don't worry, it's not clinical.
Depression is a serious thing.
I was just feeling a little bit low and it's my fault anyway.
I'm the one that chose to watch Marley And Me
on Blu-ray right before I left the hotel.
And it's even more sad in high-def.
Even though I knew it was going to happen, it was even more sad.
Have you seen Marley And Me, sir?
You haven't seen it? Well, you better brace yourself emotionally,
because it is very sad.
I'm not going to ruin it, but just be prepared.
I don't know if you know, but the sequel is just called Me.
Just be careful.
That's it from me. Thank you very much!
Thank you. Thank you.
Give it up for Arj Barker!
You've been such an amazing crowd. Thanks ever so much for coming.
Please, give it up for the people you've seen tonight, Tom Allen,
Arj Barker, and I've been Sarah Millican. Goodnight!