Episode 2 Live at the Apollo


Episode 2

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This programme contains some strong language

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host for tonight,

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Josh Widdicombe.

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CHEERING

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All right? CHEERING

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Yes, it's a pleasure to be here, thank you.

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It's lovely having a night out.

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I enjoy it. I do like drinking.

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It is slightly being ruined for me now by...

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A lot of my friends have started drinking real ale.

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So that I know that they are better than me.

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LAUGHTER

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They'll do this... You get in a round with them and you go,

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I'll have a lager and they have to go...

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"A lager? Really?

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"Wouldn't you prefer a pint of this?

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"They brew it locally and they only make six pints a month."

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You know why that is, don't you?

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Because no-one wants to drink it, mate.

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LAUGHTER

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They're always going on about how much better it tastes.

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"It tastes so much better."

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No-one is drinking alcohol for the taste.

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Otherwise you wouldn't keep drinking it.

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I like the taste of milk.

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I tend to stop after one glass.

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LAUGHTER

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You never find me at 2am, eight pints of milk down.

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Come on, there's got to be another dairy open somewhere, hasn't there?

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All back to mine, I've got some UHT in the fridge.

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We'll party through till dawn.

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They act like they're so much cooler than you.

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You're not cooler than me because you drink real ale.

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James Bond wouldn't be as cool if when he was in the casino,

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the woman came over, "Get you another drink, 007?"

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"Yeah, just a pint of Otter's Cock please, yeah."

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LAUGHTER

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"Do you want it shaken or stirred?"

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"No, flat and at room temperature."

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As you can tell,

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I am going to be dealing with the big issues tonight in my set.

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Yeah, no, I will...

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I'll throw out some political opinions if you want them.

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Here we go.

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I would give a life prison sentence...

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Oh, you are on board now, aren't you?

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I would give a life prison sentence to anyone who works in Pret a Manger

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and when I order an individual yoghurt,

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fails to remind me to get a spoon.

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LAUGHTER

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Because they know in half an hour,

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I'll be sat on the train with a yoghurt, head in my hands, thinking,

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"Why do bad things happen to good people?"

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Can I make my lid into a spoon?

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I don't have the origami skills.

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LAUGHTER

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I just think if you do a job, you should do the whole thing.

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Like, I got in a taxi the other day,

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told him my destination and he turned round and he said,

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"Have you got a preferred route?"

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Surely that is your job.

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Might as well get in and him go, "Are you all right to do the gears?"

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Cos I'm eating a Yorkie, I haven't got my hands free.

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What I'm trying to tell you... To cut a long story short,

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what I'm try to tell you,

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I don't know if you've ever bumped into someone

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you haven't seen in six months, while you're on a train,

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drinking a yoghurt.

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It's a low moment.

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You know they're going to report to mutual friends.

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"I bumped into Josh." "How was he?"

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"Having a breakdown."

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He was mixing the two sections of a Fruit Corner with his own tongue.

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"Has he got a girlfriend?"

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"Well, he was getting off with a Petits Filous, yeah."

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There's no panic like it on a train.

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The only panic close on a train is when out of nowhere,

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the announcement will come at the next station,

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this train will be splitting in two.

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I've never known if I'm in the front or the back four carriages.

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They'll be rumours flying around the carriage.

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"Stick your head out the window and count backwards."

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I can't get the angle.

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One guy on headphones who hasn't heard, "Well, I'm not telling him.

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"Unlucky, mate."

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Families being split up like it's East and West Berlin.

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You two go one way, we'll go the other, two of us will live on,

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the other two will end up in Littlehampton.

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I like the train.

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The train is my preferred method of transport.

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I don't like flying. Scares me.

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I don't know how people aren't scared of flying.

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How are you OK with turbulence?

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The first time I heard about that, I couldn't believe my ears.

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What was that? "Oh. Sorry, did we not tell you?

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"Sometimes when you're five miles in the air,

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"the plane will go up and down uncontrollably

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"and there's nothing the pilot can do about it."

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That's not an acceptable feature.

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You go on a bus and they went,

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"Just so you know, sometimes halfway down the motorway,

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"we might just zigzag in and out of the lanes.

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"There's nothing the driver can do about it.

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"You're all right with that, aren't you?" No!

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Because I'm not a psychopath!

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And the entertainment's not enough to distract you.

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The films, fine. The other options...

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Who are these people on planes

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watching these single episodes of serial dramas?

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"Oh, series five, episode 16 of Dexter!

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LAUGHTER

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"Brilliant, that's exactly where I've got to my box set."

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"Well, I missed the first five series and 15 episodes,

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"I'm sure I'll catch up."

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I got on a plane recently... You will not believe this.

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Genuinely, one of the options, series one, episode one

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of Lost.

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There's a plane-crash drama.

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What are the other options? The Buddy Holly Story?!

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I'm not an expert, I will admit this, on aviation.

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Someone asked me the other day, they said,

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"What do you think about this debate

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"over whether Heathrow needs a third runway?"

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My first reaction was,

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has Heathrow only got two runways?

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I assumed they had loads of them. It's a massive airport.

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That means they've got more WH Smiths than they've got runways.

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I mean, that's not an airport,

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that's just a newsagent with excellent transport links.

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We never went on good holidays as a child.

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We didn't. My parents, they now... They go on pretty rubbish holidays.

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What they do is, they go on holiday and then they bring me back gifts of

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their holiday that I haven't been on.

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I've got a Morocco key ring,

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so that every time I get my keys out, I can go,

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"Oh, yeah, I haven't been to Morocco."

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My parents came back from York, they bought me a collectable teaspoon.

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Who is collecting teaspoons

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from places around the UK?

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"Oh! Finally, I can combine my twin interests,

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"of English Heritage and doing heroin."

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LAUGHTER

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"I haven't felt this high since I went to Hever Castle.

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"Pass me my Wookey Hole tourniquet

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"and I'll get on with taking these drugs, yeah."

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Tell you the one I hate, when you're going on holiday

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and other people ask you to get them things.

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"You're on holiday, yeah, can you get me a large bottle of vodka?"

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No.

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No, cos I'm going on holiday, not doing a big shop.

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"Oh. Could you do me a little favour?

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"Yeah, yeah. Can you get me 4,000 Lambert and Butler?"

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No! I'm not a mule.

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They might as well go,

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"Are you all right to put this cocaine in a condom

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"and shove it up your arse?"

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But I always say yes to the things...

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Not that. Not that...

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I always say yes. I've got this list of things,

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I leave it to the last day.

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My last day is just me running around a city

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looking for items.

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It's like I'm in that episode of The Apprentice.

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Just running around Milan, going, "I don't know what a pashmina is."

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Tell you what I hated is when I used to work in an office and you'd come

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back from holiday and people would go, "Oh, did you get us anything?"

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No.

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Cos the reason I went on holiday is to forget that you existed.

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LAUGHING AND CHEERING

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I'm not going to lie to you,

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I didn't think about you once in the last two weeks.

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Except when I got here and then I felt depressed.

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I don't think people should buy presents for people

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they don't know that well.

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My aunt last Christmas, she didn't need to get me a present.

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Instead, what I opened

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was a flat cap.

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A flat cap.

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Oh, that's a great present because it is my new year's resolution

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to deliver bread on a bicycle.

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I looked at this flat cap, disbelieving, she looked at me,

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she said, "Oh, have you already got one?" No!

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And I'm not going to have one again once I hit the charity shop.

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It was unbelievable. Look, if you get a bad T-shirt for Christmas,

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you can do something, you can wear it and do something else.

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You can't do that with a flat cap.

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Walking around town, I hope no-one's spotted my flat cap,

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underneath my top hat.

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Or you could wear a T-shirt to the gym,

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you can't do that in a flat cap.

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On the treadmill, girl goes past.

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"'Ey up."

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She said, well, I thought they were fashionable.

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Then she said, perhaps you could wear it backwards.

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Backwards?!

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I'm not Samuel L Jackson.

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She... Oh, this was the worst.

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Last birthday, she sent me a birthday card.

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Right, fine.

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Then my mum told me that I had to send her a thank you card.

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For the birthday card.

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Then she sent me a thank you card

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for my thank you card for her birthday card.

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I have been tricked into becoming my auntie's pen pal.

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Also, what are these cards that aunties are sending?

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Always from the same range, isn't it?

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Always something like a gentle watercolour of two footballers

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going in for a tackle.

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Where are they getting them? I've never seen them on sale.

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Did they buy a big box in the '70s?

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Well, that's me probably till death now, yeah.

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Are they going on Moon Pig, going, "I'll tell you what I want, right,

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"could I get the words birthday boy and then could I get a gentle

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"watercolour of a racing car going past a chequered flag?

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"Also, could I get another one

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"with a gentle watercolour of a golfer

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"teeing off in tartan trousers?

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"Yeah. And could you sellotape a pound coin inside? Yeah.

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"That would be perfect.

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"Best 32nd birthday he'll ever have."

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I don't do cards.

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I'm in a relationship.

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It's difficult giving cards when you're in a relationship.

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It should be simple, it should be fine,

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we should just send one from both of us.

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Instead, what happens, my girlfriend will get the card then will write,

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"Dear Steve, happy birthday."

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And then what she'll do, she'll write her name, then the word and...

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And then she'll hand me the card to write my name

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in a different handwriting

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so they know I took no part in the rest of the process.

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"It shows it's from both of us."

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It shows it's from you. Why do I need to write my own name?

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I'm not four.

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"Look at Josh, he can write his own name.

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"Isn't he doing well?"

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Why don't we put a hand print and we'll be done with it?

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I used to have a flatmate.

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That was more annoying. That was who I lived with before.

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The kind of person, he couldn't handle the simplest of adult tasks.

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This reached a point the day I knew I had to move out was the day he

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phoned me and he said,

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"Josh, I've had a bit of an accident."

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I said, "What happened?"

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He said, "I've managed to flood the landing."

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And initially I thought, that is an interesting use of the word managed.

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That implies he's been trying to do it for ages.

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There's no taps,

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this is going to be a lot more of a challenge than I thought.

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I said, how did you do it?

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And this is what he said, he said,

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"What happened, right, I managed to flood the landing...

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"What happened was I fell asleep in the shower...

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"Covering the plughole with my arse."

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I said, "You can't just say that like that is a thing.

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"I mean, no-one has ever done that."

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I mean, first phone the plumber, second,

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phone the Guinness Book of Records.

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I said, "Well, didn't you wake up when you fell asleep?"

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And he said, "Oh, no, I was a bit tired halfway through,

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"so I just had a lie down."

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Sorry, how tiring is your showering technique?

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Am I showering wrong? I've never got to the end of my face and thought,

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"Fucking hell, I'm knackered.

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"I'm going to need 40 winks before I move onto my balls."

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I mean, he's not got a big face.

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I'm not living with David Coulthard.

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I mean, we've got that Radox relaxing shower gel...

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Unless he's drinking it, what is going on?

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I was living with him...

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I was getting over a break-up and it's the worst thing in the world...

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The hardest thing in the world, getting over a break-up.

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Actually, breaking up with someone second hardest thing...

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We all know the hardest thing in the world

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and that is picking a CD up off a laminate floor.

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Bloody hell. Dropped one of them, that's four hours of my life gone, isn't it?

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Chasing it around like it's air hockey.

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I'm never going to pick this up.

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If we sell the house, I'm going to have to make this a feature.

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Come in, I've got a microwave, a fridge freezer,

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that's Urban Hymns by The Verve, that's going nowhere.

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How am I meant to pick it up? A plunger?

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I don't own a plunger. I'm not going to call out a plumber.

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"You all right, mate? What's the job?"

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Pick that up, will you?

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Why do you recognise me? I flooded my landing just two weeks ago.

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I'm from Devon. Anyone here from Devon?

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A FEW CHEERS

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Not many.

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But that is the population of Devon.

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I grew up in Dartmoor, middle of nowhere.

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To give you an idea of it, nothing had ever happened.

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If you haven't seen Dartmoor recently on the news,

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because a lynx got on the loose.

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I was worried about this because my parents still live there.

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I texted my mum. I was going to phone her, but I was worried,

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what if she was hiding from the lynx at that moment?

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I wouldn't want to give away her position.

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Nothing had happened on Dartmoor when I was growing up.

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That's why there was no history. They had to make up these kind of myths and legends.

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I don't know if you are aware of them, the myth of the Hairy Hand.

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What this was, right, was a ghost hand that would appear if you were

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driving across Dartmoor late at night and steer you off the road.

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We learnt about this in history.

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I was reading all the witness statements, genuinely.

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My favourite was one of the people it happened to described the hand

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as invisible.

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I mean, if he wasn't breathalysed at the scene,

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what the hell are Devon and Cornwall Police doing?

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Grew up in the middle of nowhere. To give you an idea, right...

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I don't know how many kids you had in your year at primary school.

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I had, in my year in primary school, four children.

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There was a five-a-side football tournament,

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we weren't allowed to enter.

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We genuinely, this is not a lie,

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had a lesson once a week where we listened to the radio.

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Like evacuees, waiting for news from the front.

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I mean, I don't know if it was educational, I don't remember.

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It might have been the teacher going, "Oh, sod this, I'm off for a fag.

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"Here's Steve Wright. Enjoy yourselves."

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We didn't even learn anything good.

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Art class, I wanted to learn how to draw...

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We didn't... The only tip I remember from art class, when drawing a face,

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always remember the eyes are exactly halfway down.

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No, they're not.

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Have you seen a face...?

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Oh, yeah. Of course, my eyes are halfway down,

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that's why I wear my glasses under my ears.

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What did he look like? Normal bloke. 50% forehead, yeah.

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The only way that tip is of any use is if the question in the exam is,

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draw Ant from Ant and Dec.

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Science class, the only thing I learned in science class,

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how to use a Bunsen burner.

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Not a skill I've needed in later life.

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Never had someone come around, do you want a cup of tea?

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I'll just pop on the Bunsen burner.

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Blue flame, I'm not an idiot.

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Only one use for orange flame, wasn't there...

0:16:580:17:00

IMITATES BUNSEN BURNER

0:17:000:17:02

Oh, that just happened, your eyes aren't deceiving you.

0:17:020:17:07

You never see one... Never outside a pub, have you got a light, mate?

0:17:070:17:10

Have you got a gas tap?

0:17:100:17:11

Also, what is going on with the health and safety in schools?

0:17:130:17:16

I'm not allowed a conker outside, in here, I'm allowed a flame-thrower?!

0:17:160:17:19

The only other item we ever had in science class was once a week,

0:17:210:17:24

we'd be sent outside with a wheel on a stick.

0:17:240:17:27

A trundle wheel, and we'd just walk around for hours.

0:17:280:17:32

Just clicking.

0:17:320:17:34

I don't know what I'm learning here.

0:17:340:17:37

Is this going to come up in the exam?

0:17:370:17:40

Question one, explain photosynthesis.

0:17:400:17:42

Question two, how big's the car park?

0:17:420:17:44

To the nearest ten clicks.

0:17:450:17:47

That's why the best day in all of science,

0:17:470:17:50

the best day all year was when they would go,

0:17:500:17:51

"Today, we are going to watch the television." You go, "Brilliant, just like at home."

0:17:510:17:55

No, not like at home. Cos this TV show will be shit.

0:17:550:17:57

But then they'd build up the excitement, wouldn't they, by leaving the room

0:17:570:18:01

and then slowly wheeling the TV back in.

0:18:010:18:04

Like it was Queen Elizabeth II.

0:18:050:18:08

All hail the television.

0:18:090:18:10

And then they'd fail to make it work for 20 minutes.

0:18:110:18:14

And wheel it back out.

0:18:150:18:17

And bring out the trundle wheels.

0:18:190:18:20

Live at the Apollo, you are a lovely audience.

0:18:240:18:27

Are you ready for your first act of the evening?

0:18:270:18:29

CHEERING

0:18:290:18:32

Good, good. She is absolutely brilliant.

0:18:320:18:34

She is one of my favourite acts on the whole circuit.

0:18:340:18:36

Please welcome the wonderful Celia Pacquola.

0:18:360:18:39

CHEERING

0:18:390:18:41

Good evening!

0:18:490:18:51

Hello. Thank you very much for having me here this evening.

0:18:510:18:53

I have come from Australia, so I am...

0:18:530:18:56

CHEERING

0:18:560:18:57

Oh, I am... Really, I'm a bit jet-lagged

0:18:570:18:59

because I flew in tomorrow.

0:18:590:19:01

So...

0:19:010:19:03

My friend admitted to me, right,

0:19:030:19:06

that she likes to masturbate by candlelight.

0:19:060:19:10

And I was like geez, that must make birthdays awkward.

0:19:100:19:13

Wow!

0:19:130:19:14

Particularly around the office.

0:19:160:19:17

OK. Hi.

0:19:170:19:20

I am 33 years old.

0:19:200:19:22

I know. And I am single, but I'm fine.

0:19:220:19:25

I can do what I want because I'm single, answer to myself, right?

0:19:270:19:30

It's just me. I make the rules.

0:19:300:19:31

And I don't have any kids, that I know of, hey...?

0:19:310:19:34

LAUGHING AND CHEERING

0:19:340:19:36

You know...

0:19:400:19:41

I genuinely thought I was fine and then the other night I got drunk

0:19:410:19:45

and I signed myself up for eHarmony,

0:19:450:19:46

which is an online-dating website.

0:19:460:19:48

Don't remember doing it, looked at it the next day,

0:19:480:19:51

turns out I'm looking for someone who can bring me a pizza.

0:19:510:19:54

Because here's the thing, guys.

0:19:570:19:58

I get drunk on my own and then I get on the internet

0:19:580:20:00

and then bad things happen.

0:20:000:20:02

What?

0:20:020:20:04

I do. I drink alone.

0:20:040:20:05

I like it. I know you're not supposed to do it.

0:20:050:20:07

I know it's like sad and it's like a bit of a red flag,

0:20:070:20:10

but you know red's always been my colour.

0:20:100:20:13

I like it. I like it.

0:20:130:20:14

My bed's there, I'm not going to say anything embarrassing.

0:20:140:20:17

I like it. I've been known to leave parties where I'm having fun

0:20:170:20:20

and I go, "I've got to go."

0:20:200:20:21

And they go, "Do you have to get up early?"

0:20:210:20:24

And I go, "No, no. I just like to continue this without you guys."

0:20:240:20:27

And I drink beer. Beer is my drink of choice.

0:20:300:20:32

And I'm not saying this to be cool, by the way.

0:20:320:20:34

I wish I did not love beer as much as I...

0:20:340:20:37

It makes me mad at it, how much I love it.

0:20:370:20:39

Goddamn! I love it. I'm going to get it. I love it.

0:20:390:20:43

And I met a new person in a bar and they said,

0:20:430:20:45

"Oh, Celia, I'm going to the bar, I'll get you a beer.

0:20:450:20:47

"Oh, sorry, do you drink beer? Do you like beer?"

0:20:470:20:49

And I said, "Do I like beer?"

0:20:490:20:51

"Do hip-hop dance crews like finishing on a sound effect

0:20:530:20:57

"of glass breaking?"

0:20:570:20:58

LAUGHTER

0:20:580:21:01

"All right, I reckon about 14% of you know what that was about."

0:21:010:21:04

See, the thing is, you're trying to figure me, out but I'm trying to figure you guys out as well.

0:21:040:21:08

All right, let's see who else we've got in the room.

0:21:080:21:10

How about this one? Do I like beer?

0:21:100:21:12

Do people wearing lanyards

0:21:120:21:14

think they're better than people who aren't wearing lanyards?

0:21:140:21:16

LAUGHTER

0:21:160:21:17

OK. OK. Welcome, welcome.

0:21:180:21:21

As I say, 33,

0:21:210:21:23

you get a bit of pity at my age being single,

0:21:230:21:25

but like we've got some perks.

0:21:250:21:26

Like, if you've got love, you've get love, sweet,

0:21:260:21:29

but if you're single, we've got some sweet perks.

0:21:290:21:31

Like, single stories are way better than relationship stories.

0:21:310:21:37

Every time. They are just better stories.

0:21:370:21:39

Like, if you are in a relationship

0:21:390:21:41

and you think something funny happened to you, it didn't.

0:21:410:21:44

LAUGHTER

0:21:440:21:46

I am sorry.

0:21:470:21:49

It is not... Oh, what?

0:21:500:21:52

Really? You were in IKEA for how long? No!

0:21:520:21:56

And you ended up coming home with the wrong...?

0:21:560:21:58

Excuse me, I'm going to kill myself.

0:21:580:22:00

No, no, you keep telling that fantastic story.

0:22:000:22:03

This is a single story.

0:22:030:22:05

Oh, my God, so that guy from the internet,

0:22:050:22:06

turns out he did think he was a Viking.

0:22:060:22:08

Horns, helmet, whole thing.

0:22:080:22:09

We kissed in a Pizza Express and he brought popcorn from home.

0:22:090:22:13

And it's brutal. Like, if you're not dating,

0:22:150:22:17

be smug because this isn't even a joke.

0:22:170:22:19

On paper, dating, fact, is,

0:22:190:22:22

going up to someone that you don't know and going,

0:22:220:22:25

"What do you think of this?"

0:22:270:22:28

And they go, "Nah."

0:22:310:22:32

And you go, "OK. Cool.

0:22:340:22:36

"Oi, what do you think of this?"

0:22:360:22:38

Just that. And on and on and on.

0:22:380:22:39

And if you go on dates and they don't go anywhere,

0:22:390:22:41

like you don't hear from them, you don't know why.

0:22:410:22:43

Like, you don't know why.

0:22:430:22:44

And then you get to go home and play a fun game that I like to call,

0:22:440:22:47

was it my face or my opinions?

0:22:470:22:49

Could be both. Yahtzee, oh, my God.

0:22:520:22:55

And it's just shit. I hate it.

0:22:550:22:56

Like, you go on dates, you've got to pretend to be a person and stuff.

0:22:560:22:59

I hate it.

0:22:590:23:01

I don't know what to wear. I wore jeggings.

0:23:010:23:03

Help. Help me. I don't know what I'm doing.

0:23:030:23:05

If you don't know, jeggings are leggings

0:23:050:23:08

that look like jeans that make you look skinny.

0:23:080:23:11

Except that they aren't and they don't.

0:23:110:23:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:140:23:15

But to me, they are the second-worst fashion faux pas

0:23:200:23:23

than the jumpsuit on women. Do you remember the jumpsuit?

0:23:230:23:26

The one-piece outfit with the zip up the back?

0:23:260:23:28

I think they look good but if you are wearing one of them,

0:23:280:23:30

if you want to go to the toilet in one of those things,

0:23:300:23:32

you've got to be nude. The whole thing has to come off.

0:23:320:23:35

You've got to be nude. It's humiliating.

0:23:350:23:37

Don't make it be nude, just give them a poo flap or something.

0:23:370:23:40

Help them out.

0:23:400:23:44

Don't know what to say on dates because aside from doing this,

0:23:440:23:46

I have nothing to talk about.

0:23:460:23:48

I am really scraping the bottom of the small-talk barrel.

0:23:480:23:51

Genuinely, I'm like,

0:23:510:23:52

"Erm...

0:23:520:23:54

"My jaw clicks.

0:23:540:23:56

"It doesn't hurt. No.

0:24:020:24:04

"Yep.

0:24:130:24:14

"Getting a blowjob from me

0:24:150:24:16

"is like having sex with a grandfather clock.

0:24:160:24:18

"Ha-ha-ha.

0:24:180:24:20

"So are we getting entrees, or...? OK, goodbye."

0:24:200:24:23

It's just emotions are complicated.

0:24:240:24:26

Like, love and hate are supposed to be two ends of the spectrum,

0:24:260:24:29

but they get mingled.

0:24:290:24:30

Like, love can come from hate.

0:24:300:24:33

How is that possible? It is.

0:24:330:24:34

I love peanut butter

0:24:340:24:38

because an ex of mine is allergic to nuts

0:24:380:24:40

and every time I eat peanut butter, I imagine him dying.

0:24:400:24:44

Yep. Like, yum, yum, yum.

0:24:470:24:49

Oh, his throat would be closing up right about now.

0:24:490:24:51

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

0:24:510:24:53

This is an aside and I wasn't going to tell you this, but I like you.

0:24:540:24:59

OK, I think nut allergies is going to be the thing that wipes us out.

0:24:590:25:02

Like, you know when your friends and you are talking about it.

0:25:020:25:04

Like, "Oh, is it going to be climate change, is it going to be meteorite?"

0:25:040:25:07

No. My money's on nut allergies. Cos we weren't allergic to nuts and now we are.

0:25:070:25:10

Right? And every year, it gets worse and worse.

0:25:100:25:12

More and more kids allergic to nuts. And over time everyone's going to be allergic to nuts.

0:25:120:25:16

And then, at some point, everyone on the planet will be allergic to nuts and when nuts figure that out,

0:25:160:25:20

we are fucked.

0:25:200:25:21

Do you think it is a coincidence that satay

0:25:220:25:25

is one letter away from Satan?

0:25:250:25:27

What?!

0:25:270:25:28

That is the dumbest thing ever.

0:25:300:25:33

And I spend quite a lot of time thinking about trying to have less hate in my life.

0:25:330:25:36

It's a very scary time to be alive, but there's some stuff, no matter how hard I try, I can't...

0:25:360:25:40

Like, I will always hate getting up early.

0:25:400:25:43

Always, forever. Right?

0:25:430:25:44

Every morning when I have to get up early, this is how I do it.

0:25:440:25:46

I still have an alarm clock, right?

0:25:460:25:49

Retro. And my alarm goes off and I go, "What?"

0:25:490:25:51

Snooze! Because alarm and snooze

0:25:510:25:53

are like good cop, bad cop in the mornings.

0:25:530:25:55

Cos alarm is like, "Get out of bed! Now!"

0:25:560:25:58

And snooze is like, "Don't worry about him.

0:25:580:26:00

-"I'm on your side."

-SHE IMITATES KISS

0:26:000:26:02

"You're going to have a great day!

0:26:050:26:07

"I mean, you'll be late,

0:26:070:26:10

"but take another eight minutes, you deserve it.

0:26:100:26:12

"You're so pretty when you're sleeping!"

0:26:120:26:14

And hate actually led me to unlock a secret of the universe.

0:26:170:26:23

Genuinely, hate led me to the best thought

0:26:230:26:25

I'm ever going to have in my whole life. From hate...

0:26:250:26:28

And the thing I was hating, a very simple thing, it was toe rings.

0:26:280:26:31

Simple thing, I hate them.

0:26:320:26:34

I hate them more than I should hate... OK. I hate them.

0:26:340:26:36

I think it's because I hate feet.

0:26:360:26:38

I think feet are disgusting and whenever I see a toe ring,

0:26:380:26:41

I think, OK, what you're doing there

0:26:410:26:42

is you are taking an already gross toe

0:26:420:26:44

and you're trying to make it look like a tiny, faceless man

0:26:440:26:47

with a hairy chest, wearing a belt. Stop it.

0:26:470:26:49

Stop it! So, I was trying to have less hate in my life, so I was like,

0:26:530:26:55

"Right, I'm going to figure this out," so I sat in my flat, I'm like,

0:26:550:26:58

"Let's break it down. Why do we have toe rings?

0:26:580:27:00

"Who invented them? Who's buying them?

0:27:000:27:01

"What's the point of them?" And then I thought, "Oh, shit."

0:27:010:27:05

Guys...

0:27:050:27:06

You know toe rings?

0:27:080:27:09

They are rings that we wear on our toes,

0:27:110:27:14

then we have rings, earrings, rings people wear in their ears. Yeah?

0:27:140:27:18

Eyebrow rings, nose rings, belly-button rings.

0:27:180:27:20

But these ones,

0:27:200:27:22

rings.

0:27:220:27:24

Because if these ones were called finger rings...

0:27:240:27:29

LAUGHTER

0:27:290:27:30

Make weddings pretty awkward.

0:27:380:27:40

-With this fingering, I...

-SHE GASPS

0:27:430:27:46

Make proposal stories really awkward.

0:27:500:27:53

"Oh, my God! So, last night,

0:27:530:27:54

"John came over and out of nowhere just gave me the most incredible fingering.

0:27:540:27:57

"I know! I'm so happy!

0:27:570:28:01

"I mean, he asked my dad's permission first, obviously,

0:28:010:28:04

"and my dad was like, 'You go for it, son.

0:28:040:28:06

"'You give her that fingering.'

0:28:060:28:07

"And he came over and got down on one knee and

0:28:070:28:09

"he said, 'Darling, I want to give you this fingering.

0:28:090:28:12

"'It's the same fingering

0:28:120:28:13

"'that my grandfather gave to my grandmother...'"

0:28:130:28:16

Also make the Lord of the Fingerings a very different film. OK.

0:28:250:28:29

There is no-one hearing that.

0:28:290:28:30

Just keep learning. Life's about learning, guys.

0:28:300:28:32

I will share with you another big thing I learned.

0:28:320:28:34

This year, very exciting,

0:28:340:28:36

I learned showering with a partner is not sexy.

0:28:360:28:39

That does not seem like a big deal, but the world tells you it is sexy.

0:28:410:28:44

But you try that shit once and you very quickly discover that showering

0:28:440:28:48

with a partner is not sexy.

0:28:480:28:50

Showering with a partner is taking turns being cold.

0:28:500:28:54

Oh, yeah.

0:28:560:28:59

Lot of dosy-doe action, a lot of, "Ooh, let's move around this way."

0:28:590:29:02

"Why?"

0:29:020:29:03

"Cos I'm goddamn freezing! I'm freezing!"

0:29:030:29:05

"And a lot of kissing like this."

0:29:050:29:07

SHE SPUTTERS

0:29:070:29:10

But mainly, as I get older,

0:29:130:29:14

I just keep finding out shit that I'm wrong about.

0:29:140:29:17

Like, you grow up and you go, "I know these things, I'm sure."

0:29:170:29:20

And then, wrong.

0:29:200:29:22

The last thing I was in your lovely country,

0:29:220:29:24

I was on one of your lovely overland trains.

0:29:240:29:28

You know, the ones that have the toilets with the electronic

0:29:280:29:31

science-fiction doors that go,

0:29:310:29:33

"Waysh. Waysh."

0:29:330:29:34

Now, I was sure I knew how to lock those...

0:29:360:29:40

Nah. Turns out, I know how to shut them, yeah,

0:29:430:29:48

and 12-year-old boys on the other side

0:29:480:29:51

know how to push the open button and I don't know if you've ever been

0:29:510:29:55

sat on the toilet when the door opens, but look,

0:29:550:30:01

it's everything you dream it will be.

0:30:010:30:04

And a little bit more.

0:30:050:30:06

Now, the thing with those doors is they take quite a long time

0:30:060:30:09

to open. So I was desperately trying to find the close button.

0:30:090:30:13

Eventually found the close button, but the thing is,

0:30:130:30:15

as they take quite a long time to open, similarly,

0:30:150:30:17

take quite a long time to close.

0:30:170:30:19

So I got to maintain eye contact with an understandably horrified

0:30:190:30:24

12-year-old boy as his face was being very slowly covered.

0:30:240:30:26

It was kind of like this.

0:30:260:30:28

And it finally shut, I sat back down and went, Oh, my God!

0:30:300:30:33

I am never wearing a jumpsuit again!

0:30:330:30:35

No!

0:30:350:30:37

Thank you so much for having me. Enjoy your night. Goodnight.

0:30:420:30:45

Celia Pacquola!

0:30:500:30:51

Now, are we ready for our next act?

0:30:570:31:00

CHEERING

0:31:000:31:02

He is absolutely astonishing.

0:31:020:31:03

You are going to absolutely love him.

0:31:030:31:05

Please welcome on to the stage the wonderful Nathan Caton.

0:31:050:31:09

MUSIC: Pow by Lethal Bizzle

0:31:090:31:12

CHEERING

0:31:200:31:22

Hey. What's happening, Apollo? You guys all right?

0:31:220:31:25

-CHEERING

-Cool, man. Good to be here.

0:31:250:31:28

Let's find out who is in the house.

0:31:280:31:30

Give me a cheer if you are from the UK.

0:31:300:31:31

CHEERING

0:31:310:31:33

Give me a cheer if you are from overseas.

0:31:330:31:35

CHEERING

0:31:350:31:36

OK. Cool, man. Nice little mix we've got going on.

0:31:360:31:38

That's cool. I like that. The reason why asking, right,

0:31:380:31:41

it is I was reading an article in the paper just the other day

0:31:410:31:44

and it was saying, according to an American survey,

0:31:440:31:48

Britain is the most polite nation on the planet.

0:31:480:31:51

Yeah, bloody right.

0:31:530:31:56

It said, according to this survey, in Britain,

0:31:560:31:58

we are so polite as a nation,

0:31:580:32:00

we get more offended over bad manners than we do over crime.

0:32:000:32:03

No, we bloody don't.

0:32:040:32:06

I don't know about you, but if I'm getting mugged,

0:32:060:32:08

I don't give a shit about manners. You know?

0:32:080:32:10

"Yo, blood. Give me your phone."

0:32:100:32:12

What's the magic word?

0:32:120:32:14

I was going to give it to you. Piss off now, man.

0:32:180:32:21

Watch how you talk to people.

0:32:210:32:23

I don't think we're polite.

0:32:230:32:25

I think we are very rude as a nation.

0:32:250:32:26

We just know how to hide it well.

0:32:260:32:28

Right? But there is one instance when our rudeness comes out.

0:32:280:32:32

One instance when you can see how rude we really are.

0:32:320:32:36

And it's public transport.

0:32:360:32:38

I was on the train not too long ago, I was going to a gig,

0:32:380:32:42

and the train had stopped in the middle of nowhere, right,

0:32:420:32:44

like between stations and we were there for maybe like five to ten minutes, right.

0:32:440:32:48

And people start panicking, like looking out the window.

0:32:480:32:50

"What's going on, man? We're not moving."

0:32:500:32:52

And then the announcement came from the driver.

0:32:520:32:56

He went, "Ladies and gentlemen,

0:32:560:32:57

"apologise for this delay to the service caused by a

0:32:570:32:59

"person under a train at a station ahead."

0:32:590:33:02

Now, I guarantee you, if that was anywhere else in the world,

0:33:020:33:05

people would give a shit.

0:33:050:33:08

They would. They'd be like, "Oh, my gosh! Under a train? That's horrific! I hope they're OK.

0:33:080:33:12

"Hope they're not hurt too bad."

0:33:120:33:14

-But in Britain...

-LAUGHTER

0:33:140:33:17

The typical British response is, "Oh, selfish prick!"

0:33:170:33:20

Driver, man, just carry on. I got shit to do today, man.

0:33:270:33:32

Prick. Hope he dies. Leave him there.

0:33:320:33:34

Selfish. Very selfish people.

0:33:360:33:39

I'm selfish, I'm not going to lie. I am. I'm very selfish.

0:33:390:33:42

In fact, I had probably the most disgustingly selfish thought

0:33:420:33:46

I've ever had in my life this year, right?

0:33:460:33:49

I'm not proud, I'm ashamed of it, but at the time, it was how I felt.

0:33:490:33:53

I'll share it with you guys.

0:33:530:33:55

Earlier this year, there was...

0:33:550:33:58

Some people got arrested at Heathrow Airport.

0:33:580:34:00

They were Black Lives Matter protestors, right?

0:34:000:34:03

If you didn't see what happened, basically,

0:34:030:34:05

people protesting on behalf of Black Lives Matter

0:34:050:34:07

and they were lying down in the street and in doing so,

0:34:070:34:11

they were causing traffic on the approach to Heathrow.

0:34:110:34:14

Now, I got stuck in that traffic. I had to go and pick up my mum.

0:34:140:34:17

She was on her way back from a holiday, right?

0:34:170:34:19

Now, I'm not knocking the whole Black Lives Matter movement, no.

0:34:190:34:22

It's something I support, as a black person.

0:34:220:34:24

I appreciate it. It's a very noble, very worthy cause.

0:34:240:34:27

I think it's disgusting how black people are being

0:34:270:34:29

like targeted by the police.

0:34:290:34:31

Obviously, black lives do matter.

0:34:310:34:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:350:34:39

-However...

-LAUGHTER

0:34:420:34:45

As I was sat in my car in that long queue of non-moving traffic,

0:34:450:34:50

I'm not going to lie, there was a selfish part of me that was thinking,

0:34:500:34:54

if the police were to take out these black guys right now...

0:34:540:34:58

LAUGHTER

0:34:580:34:59

..they would be doing me a huge favour.

0:34:590:35:01

Obviously, black lives do matter.

0:35:030:35:04

Just not as much as my own, innit. Right?

0:35:040:35:07

I mean, I can't be late for my mum.

0:35:070:35:09

If I'm late, she's going to kill me, so either way,

0:35:090:35:11

someone black is going to die.

0:35:110:35:12

LAUGHTER

0:35:120:35:13

Rather it weren't me. Sorry.

0:35:140:35:17

Selfish, I'm sorry.

0:35:170:35:18

I know. I know a lot of people are pretty angry that we've been having,

0:35:200:35:24

you know, Black Lives Matter protests in the UK.

0:35:240:35:27

I was talking to one person at a gig and she was like,

0:35:270:35:30

"I don't see whey we're having the protests here in the UK.

0:35:300:35:32

"It's an American problem.

0:35:320:35:34

"Here in the UK, we don't have racism."

0:35:340:35:36

Piss off!

0:35:380:35:40

Yes, we do. We just don't have guns.

0:35:400:35:42

LAUGHTER

0:35:420:35:43

That's what I think the big issue is.

0:35:430:35:45

The whole Black Lives Matter thing, obviously race is an issue,

0:35:450:35:48

but for me, personally, I do think the bigger issue

0:35:480:35:50

is the American gun culture.

0:35:500:35:51

Right? Americans, they love their guns too much.

0:35:510:35:54

Americans shoot the same way British people drink.

0:35:540:35:58

At any given opportunity.

0:35:580:36:00

LAUGHTER

0:36:000:36:02

I think instead of tackling race, tackle the gun problem.

0:36:020:36:05

Take away all guns in America, replace them with water pistols.

0:36:050:36:09

Still a gun. Just a lot more fun.

0:36:100:36:13

Like, how much more fun would drive-by shootings be?

0:36:130:36:16

And also, if they had water pistols,

0:36:180:36:19

I guarantee there'd be no violence in the black communities.

0:36:190:36:22

Cos no-one's getting their hair wet.

0:36:220:36:25

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:250:36:27

Got to think about these things, innit.

0:36:330:36:35

Yeah. I did actually see one of the funniest videos I've seen from the

0:36:350:36:39

whole Black Lives Matter movement.

0:36:390:36:41

It was last year.

0:36:410:36:43

You guys might have seen it. It went viral, this video.

0:36:430:36:46

There were riots in Baltimore, right?

0:36:460:36:49

And this video came out of this young kid

0:36:490:36:51

who was rioting in the street

0:36:510:36:53

and his mum turned up and slapped the shit out of him.

0:36:530:36:56

I'm not joking. If you don't believe me, go on YouTube,

0:36:570:37:00

type in the words "Baltimore riots mum."

0:37:000:37:03

Right? There's a young kid, maybe about, what? 15?

0:37:030:37:05

He's in the street, looting, rioting,

0:37:050:37:07

just being a dick basically.

0:37:070:37:09

And his mum pops out of nowhere like a ninja

0:37:090:37:13

and just twats the shit out of him, man.

0:37:130:37:16

"Get in from the street, boy!"

0:37:160:37:19

And the mum, she's like a proper big-momma, scary-type black woman.

0:37:190:37:22

Like she's so scary, there's one point in the video where she goes,

0:37:220:37:25

"Get your ass outta here!"

0:37:250:37:27

And I logged off cos I thought she was talking to me.

0:37:270:37:29

LAUGHTER

0:37:290:37:31

How does she know, bruv?

0:37:330:37:34

How does she know? I don't get it.

0:37:340:37:36

She was good, man. I like that video.

0:37:380:37:41

Mums are quality.

0:37:410:37:42

I saw this other story. Again, shows how good mums are.

0:37:430:37:46

When I saw this story, I was pissing myself.

0:37:460:37:49

You know there's been a thing in the news about young British kids who

0:37:490:37:53

have been going off to Syria?

0:37:530:37:54

That's not what made me piss myself, obviously.

0:37:550:37:59

-Jihad!

-HE LAUGHS

0:37:590:38:01

Oh, jokers, man! Lads, lads, lads, lads!

0:38:010:38:04

LAUGHTER

0:38:040:38:05

I'm pretty sure they don't say that.

0:38:070:38:10

Lads, lads. Mohammed, oi, oi! Lads, lads, lads.

0:38:100:38:13

Yeah, you know there's been this thing about young British kids,

0:38:160:38:18

you know, going off to Syria, which has been stupid.

0:38:180:38:21

I mean, I don't see the fascination, myself.

0:38:210:38:23

You know? Young British kids, desperate to go to Syria.

0:38:230:38:26

I tell you what, man, that Duke of Edinburgh Award has gone downhill.

0:38:260:38:30

Changed, innit. But I saw this story, right?

0:38:320:38:34

It was about a woman... She was a mum and her 18-year-old son,

0:38:340:38:38

he went off to Syria to join IS or

0:38:380:38:43

is, or whatever they call themselves, right?

0:38:430:38:46

Could be is, you never know.

0:38:460:38:48

It sounds cooler, doesn't it? "We is. And we out." Right?

0:38:480:38:51

LAUGHTER

0:38:510:38:54

I'm guessing PR isn't top of their agenda at the moment, but you know.

0:38:540:38:57

There was a mum of an 18-year-old kid, he went off to Syria to join,

0:38:570:39:01

let's just call them Islamic State for now.

0:39:010:39:03

Here's the cool bit. The mum went to Syria and dragged her son back home.

0:39:030:39:08

I think that is bloody quality.

0:39:090:39:12

Forget bombings and invasions,

0:39:120:39:14

I think we've found a new solution to terrorism.

0:39:140:39:17

Just get pissed off parents to go to the Middle East

0:39:170:39:20

and take their kids back home. I think that'll work, you know.

0:39:200:39:23

For example, if I was a terrorist,

0:39:230:39:26

and my mum or my grandma came to get me...

0:39:260:39:29

-..that would work, trust me.

-LAUGHTER

0:39:300:39:33

I'd be in a cave in Syria, posing with my gun...

0:39:330:39:36

And then, all of a sudden, I hear...

0:39:410:39:43

IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR

0:39:430:39:45

"Nathan!

0:39:450:39:46

LAUGHTER

0:39:460:39:51

"Where you?

0:39:540:39:55

IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR

0:39:550:39:57

"Me know you're in there, boy!

0:39:570:39:59

"Unless you want me to come inside there

0:40:010:40:03

"and embarrass you in front of your friends, bring yourself home.

0:40:030:40:07

"Now!"

0:40:070:40:08

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:080:40:13

Next thing you know,

0:40:190:40:20

I'm being dragged by the ear to the local airport.

0:40:200:40:22

My grandma screaming in my face,

0:40:220:40:24

"Terrorist? You want to be a terrorist?

0:40:240:40:28

"When we get home, me gon' show you terror!

0:40:280:40:30

-"Come!"

-LAUGHTER

0:40:300:40:32

Solution for terrorism. You're welcome.

0:40:380:40:42

Yeah.

0:40:420:40:44

I know you shouldn't really make jokes about terrorism

0:40:440:40:46

cos it's a very sensitive subject,

0:40:460:40:48

but sod it.

0:40:480:40:49

No, seriously, I think it's better to laugh, you know?

0:40:510:40:53

I've done jokes about terrorism at gigs before and people go,

0:40:530:40:56

"Why do you make jokes about terrorism?"

0:40:560:40:58

I think it's better just to laugh than be scared

0:40:580:41:00

cos that's what these guys want, innit?

0:41:000:41:01

They want to disrupt our way of life,

0:41:010:41:03

they want us to be scared,

0:41:030:41:04

so instead of being scared, let's just laugh at them,

0:41:040:41:06

like the bellends that they are, you know?

0:41:060:41:08

Just don't give them the satisfaction of taking away our joy.

0:41:080:41:11

CHEERING

0:41:110:41:13

I mean, of course, I'd never say that to their face.

0:41:190:41:23

I ain't stupid, guys, come on.

0:41:230:41:25

Any terrorists in the house tonight?

0:41:250:41:28

I know how much you guys love comedy.

0:41:280:41:30

Just laugh, don't be scared.

0:41:330:41:35

Cos I've been scared before in the past and trust me,

0:41:350:41:37

it's not funny, right?

0:41:370:41:39

Happened about three years ago.

0:41:390:41:41

I got a bit too caught up in the news

0:41:410:41:43

and one story made me really paranoid, right?

0:41:430:41:45

There was the terrorist attack in a shopping centre in Kenya.

0:41:450:41:48

Right?

0:41:480:41:49

I'm not laughing at it, cos obviously it was horrific, what happened.

0:41:490:41:52

But what scared me was after it happened,

0:41:520:41:55

the Kenyan government put out a worldwide wanted alert for who they

0:41:550:41:59

thought was the ringleader.

0:41:590:42:00

I don't know if anyone here remembers who it was.

0:42:000:42:03

It was a white woman called Samantha Lewthwaite.

0:42:030:42:06

Her nickname was the White Widow.

0:42:060:42:09

And that scared the crap out of me.

0:42:090:42:12

Like when the most dangerous and wanted person on the planet is a white woman,

0:42:120:42:16

something is terribly wrong with the world. Right?

0:42:160:42:20

Is there no-one we can trust any more?

0:42:200:42:23

Even white women are now a threat to security?

0:42:230:42:26

And I'll be honest, for a few months after it happened,

0:42:260:42:29

white women were petrifying me.

0:42:290:42:31

I remember one incident in particular.

0:42:310:42:34

It was late one evening, me and my little brother,

0:42:340:42:36

we were on our way home from watching a football game

0:42:360:42:38

and we were walking down a particularly dark street

0:42:380:42:42

and then I noticed there was a white woman walking towards us.

0:42:420:42:47

I bloody shit myself, man!

0:42:510:42:53

What sort of backwards, twisted world are we now living in

0:42:560:43:00

when two 6ft black guys

0:43:000:43:04

and a white woman by herself

0:43:040:43:06

are walking towards each other down a dark street

0:43:060:43:10

and the two black guys cross the road, man.

0:43:100:43:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:43:120:43:16

There's something wrong with that.

0:43:230:43:25

Anyway, listen, you guys were lovely, man.

0:43:250:43:27

I've been Nathan Caton. Take care. Cheers.

0:43:270:43:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:290:43:31

Nathan Caton!

0:43:350:43:36

Thank you so much for coming to Live at the Apollo.

0:43:390:43:41

Can we have one more round of applause for Celia Pacquola?

0:43:410:43:44

CHEERING

0:43:440:43:46

And Nathan Caton. CHEERING

0:43:460:43:49

I'm Josh Widdicombe. Thank you very much.

0:43:490:43:50

Cheers, goodnight.

0:43:500:43:51

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