Christmas Special Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight, Katherine Ryan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# All I want for Christmas is you. #

Hello, girls! CHEERING

Welcome to Noel at the Apollo. CHEERING

Whatever the holiday season means to you, that's Christmas.

If it means going down to the pub, that's Christmas.

If you're alone, that's Christmas.

As long as it's good and it's kind.

If it's Hanukkah, that's Christmas.

That's what it's about, live your life.

There will still be people who are like,

"Mah, I'm not allowed to call it a Christmas tree."

Yeah, that's cos it's a tower of whiskey bottles, Kevin.

Well, you know what, call it a Christmas tree

if that's what you want to do.

If your biggest problem in life is what you name a seasonal household

plant, then you are the definition of privilege. Enjoy it, Kevin.

Christmas for me means struggling with Jane.

Does anyone know Jane from the North London School Run?

I can't stand Jane.

Jane used to have a professional career and that's fine.

And now she stays home to look after seven tiny children

and that's also fine.

Even though I didn't realise that you could have seven little

baby ones like in a row. How do you do that?

Her ass is like a peach, cervix like a hula hoop at this point.

Just voom, voom, voom.

Not the snack, no, sir, not the little...

..like a giant, athletic-sized...

This woman's having a baby every four months.

Jane said to me, "Katherine, you must be so sad

"that you don't have a husband at Christmas."

This coming from the woman whose ham-coloured husband, Brian,

is a man I've never seen out of a bicycle helmet.

He's just Spandex man, you know?

He runs marathons.

Those are the worst kind of people, by the way.

What is it about a middle aged man that he's gotta know

he can be 26 miles away from home on foot at any given moment?

Relax, Brian. "Just trying to raise awareness for cancer."

We've heard of it.

Everyone's heard of it.

Raise funds, yeah, that's good, but I don't care

more about your charity because you're running a marathon.

Like, I will donate to Plan UK because they do tremendous work,

not because someone from the office threatened to jog

until he lost a toenail. I don't care.

Jane's in charge of fundraising at the school, of course she is.

"Katherine, will you help with the Christmas cookie sale?"

No, I will not, Jane,

because last year you sold my gingerbread biscuits for 10p.

Are we selling these cookies for Bangladeshi kids

or are we selling them TO Bangladeshi kids, Jane?

What are you doing?

No, no, where are you getting your price point, you prick?

How were you ever effective in the corporate world?

What is your scale of economies? Do you need money?

I'll write you a cheque for £100, you can

fuck off and make a thousand gingerbread men.

She says, "Katherine, you should have another baby."

Get out of my life.

"You need to have another baby,

"Katherine, you're running out of time."

We're all running out of time, Jane, that's how time works.

If anything, I've got a lot more time than you,

cos I don't have to help find 14 tiny shoes every morning.

And I don't have to sleep with your husband.

I shag him cos I want to.

It's not my job.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I had a partner. He left us last Christmas,

because I didn't need him.

I was like, "Oh, it's a good thing you don't do anything, I'd be dead."

"You don't need me, Katherine, I need to go where I'm needed."

"OK, Batman, jog on."

He said...

..he said to an immigrant single mother,

"You didn't make me a priority,

"you just work all the time and look after your child.

"You didn't make me a priority."

I was like, "Mate, I paid for everything.

"It literally says priority on your bags every time

"I buy you a plane ticket.

"And I always check back into economy

"to see how you're doing on the flight."

"You don't fight for me, Katherine."

You are not the last fidget spinner on Christmas Eve.

I'm a single mum, and there's still baggage attached to that.

I believe that if I were a man,

I wouldn't be single, I'd be eligible, wouldn't I?

I just bought a house in central London,

they would make me The Bachelor.

They'd freak out.

It is, by the way, the most expensive property ever owned

by anyone in my family - it's also the smallest, they're very confused.

They come from Canada and they're like,

"Katherine! This is what you bought with all your money?

"But this house is so small.

"Don't you know what size house you could afford in your home town?"

I'm like, "Don't you know? Like I wouldn't be sure which room

"to kill myself in, so I can't do that."

"When you visit at Christmas, get a hotel."

If I was a man I'd be eligible - they'd go, "How does he do it?"

"How does a young, young, young man

"of only 34 years old...

"...raise a gorgeous young daughter

"without financial help from anywhere? How does he do that?"

And there'd be memes of me just hoovering with no shirt on.

Like, mah...

"How does he do it?"

There'd be You Tube videos of me

going viral, just plaiting her hair before school.

SHE GASPS "How does he do it?"

I'd be like, "Well, I take three equal sections of hair...

"..then heroically I fold one into the other two, and so on."

And I'd say things like,

"If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart."

And women everywhere would be like,

SHE GASPS "Is anyone sucking his dick right now?"

"Where is this man?"

And then I'd remove the mask and be like, "Ha-ha, I'm a lady!"

And they'd be like, "Urgh, another single mum, gross.

"Gross, pathetic."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm alone this Christmas, my daughter's with her dad.

"Aw..." Don't be jealous, don't be jealous.

Because you're slaving away in a kitchen filled with guests

and I'm drinking sangria in my underpants for four days.

AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS Yes!

These have become my favourite Christmases.

Jane comes out of the woodwork always.

"Oh, Katherine, aren't you so sad that you're alone at Christmas?"

No, Jane. "I would be sad if I was alone at Christmas" -

"I'd be sad if I was alone with you too."

When I'm alone, I'm just hanging out with Katherine Ryan, it's amazing.

"You can come to our house for Christmas.

"You could eat with our family."

"Jane, that's a lovely gesture, very charitable, I do appreciate it,

"but I would rather the tweets of Piers Morgan

"be shouted into my face till I died of rage."

Respectfully...

..no.

No, Jane.

You don't have to live your life like me.

You could do it any way you want, that is my message.

But be warned, cos Melania Trump...

..that is an innocent gold-digger caught up in a dangerous game.

Right? She used to have an incredible life.

She didn't know...she didn't know he was going to be the President.

In a perfect world, she should be divorced, banging one of J.Lo's

backing dancers through season two of her reality show,

Melania Unchained, but no...

Her dreams of a better life in a communist country

did not involve brunch with Philip May.

She used to be BFFs with all the best designers

and now Marc Jacobs is like, "Bitch, make your own dress."

Nobody likes her.

She went too young, that's the problem, she went too young.

Go old if you're going to... Go old.

If he is still eating solid food, he is too young.

Trust me.

You want a one line of coke and a vigorous hand job away

from you having Christmas alone on a yacht.

That's what you want.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you ready to kick off Noel at the Apollo?

Whoooooo!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a tremendous man,

we've been friends for years, he's touring all across the UK.

You're going to absolutely love him.

Give a warm round of applause for Marlon Davis.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now It's only just begun. #

-Ah-ha. Yes, Merry Christmas, guys. AUDIENCE:

-Merry Christmas!

SLIGHTLY INEFFECTUAL VOICE: I just want to say to everyone, er...

..this is my voice.

LAUGHTER

This is how I sound.

Yeah, when you sound like this,

people don't take you seriously, you know. They don't.

I couldn't be your boss at work, like, "Why are you late?"

It's just not going to happen, is it?

I was stressed as well about coming

here today and I was like, "oh, my God."

You know, I came on the tube and stuff and I was like,

"Oh, I might not make it on time to the Apollo. Oh, my gosh."

And the carriage was packed, like in here right now,

so I had to get in there cos I didn't want to wait one

minute for the next one, and I said,

WEAKLY: "C-Can you move down, please?"

And people went, "What's that?

"Was that a fly in here or something?"

I have to get it from here, you know, from the bass cos they don't

take you seriously so I had to say to them,

"Can you move down, please?!"

And they said, "I think it's that girl over there, you know."

I think it's her.

And I got a little boy as well, I got a little boy, yeah?

CHEERING Yeah. I've done that.

And I say to him as well I say, "Go to bed!"

And he says, "I wait till Mum says go to bed, innit.

"I don't know who you are."

I'm like, "I'm your dad!" "Yeah, sure you are.

"Why don't YOU go to bed?"

"W-What, now?

"Can I get a story?"

It's all good though you know, it's lovely.

Like, last year at Christmas my life changed.

I have an amazing life, I'll tell you why -

cos I got a trampoline.

Yeah, life is good if you've got a trampoline.

Whatever it is that you got going on in your life

doesn't matter if you've got a trampoline. It doesn't!

Say the boss is pissing you off at work, you come home.

Just bounce and that, innit? Everything's OK again, you know?

And I had to get a trampoline because I've got a son

and I've got a garden.

Yeah, see those are the rules. If you have a child

and open space, you have to fill it with a trampoline, right?

And I got it from John Lewis cos I saw the advert.

What an advert innit, I was like, "I'm having that."

And I got it and I put it up myself, I put it up myself!

CHEERING All by myself!

It took me till nearly New Year's Day, but I did it, I did it.

I put it up, right, and guess what happened?

Two days later the next-door neighbour climbed over

the fence and started jumping up

and down on our trampoline with his fucking big-head baby.

I was there, and I'm incensed by this because he earns so much money

he could buy his own trampoline for his fucking big-head baby.

But I didn't say anything, because I'm passive aggressive.

So I was there behind this curtain,

looking at this man

hoping that he can see me but not see me.

At the same time I'm like, "Why am I like this?"

Why am I like... I think it's definitely a British thing.

I think so - like if I was American I'd be like,

"Hey, buddy, get off the damn trampoline."

You know, but if you're British you're like, "Mmm-hm-hm, no."

You don't say how you really feel.

So I'm there looking at these people jumping up

and down on our trampoline

and I wish someone would say something.

So I told my son.

I said, "Come here." He's like, "What?"

I said, "Come and have a look at those people."

"What people?" "Them people out there.

"They're jumping up and down on our trampoline.

"I wish someone would do something."

And my son said, "Leave it to me."

And he went out there, he was like,

"Hey! My dad said...

"..stop jumping up and down on the frickiiing...!"

And I said, "Kayden!

"Come here!" He's like, "What?"

I said, "Say your mum said, right, say your mum said..."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. I've been Marlon Davis.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marlon Davis!

This next act is so clever, so funny,

everyone's always dying to see what he's got to say,

super exciting to have him here with us this evening.

Please welcome John Robins.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Thank God it's Christmas

# Thank God it's Christmas

# Thank God it's Christmas

# Can it be Christmas? #

-Hello! AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

-Hello-ho-ho! AUDIENCE:

-Hello-ho-ho!

-Happy Christmas! AUDIENCE:

-Happy Christmas.

Christmas can sometimes be a sad time,

I think we should remember that.

I had a very sad Christmas last year.

My flatmate moved out.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awwwww.

She hates it when I call her that,

# ..but it stops me crying when people ask how I am. #

Just a fun song.

Fun song there, sounds less sad if you put it in a song.

One of my many coping mechanisms.

Another coping mechanism -

frequent use of the phrase, "That'll show her"

out loud around the house when I do stuff that used to annoy her.

Such as watching Traffic Cops for five hours, or turning

the heating off when I go abroad.

I live alone now, I live alone in Grief Mansions,

that's what I call my house now. Grief Mansions.

Great thing about the timing of it all is

when I put the wreath on the front door the neighbours thought

it was for Christmas, and not a memorial to everything I held dear.

Yeah, Grief Mansions that's what I call it,

sometimes I call it that, sometimes, sometimes

I call it the Museum Of Pain, cos all her stuff's still there.

Trinkets, treasures, ornaments, books, mugs, clothes.

Each one a reminder of countless cherished memories

that now turn painful.

And that pain beats at the centre of my soul

like a diseased bird with terrible wings.

But I can shit with the door open!

Hello, everyone, I can shit with the door open,

with a little bit less of that.

Little bit less of the old

"don't shit with the door open" routine.

As my tears fall down onto my penis

in such quantities,

that they then fall from my penis

as if my penis itself were crying onto shit as it gathers below.

But with a little bit less of that.

Little bit less of the old GBH of the "don't shit with the door

"open routine", as my tears

fall from my penis onto shit.

Happy Christmas!

I've made a list of pros and cons...

cos I've been spending a lot of time in brothels and prisons.

Made a list of pros and cons - always good,

give you a bit of balance, give you a bit of balance.

Con - complete loss of all feelings of hope and possibility.

Mmm, doesn't sound very good, does it?

Doesn't sound much fun, does it?

Pro - increased plug socket access.

Bang, one-all!

I say increased, it's actually total plug socket access.

I've got 32 plug sockets in my house,

each and every one of them is now under my sole domain.

Con - all experiences that form the basis of my happiness

and sense of self worth are now destroyed by grief.

Downer! Bit of a downer, isn't it?

Pro - less recycling.

I can fit it all in the green box now.

Which is remarkable when you take into account

just how much I'm drinking.

"Oh, John, you're meant to heat mulled wine."

"All right, your highness, hand me the bottle and leave."

Con, con - I'm going to lose me house,

bit of fun, bit of fun, bit of fun.

Pro - 25% off council tax.

Yeah. CHEERING

I was on that like a ferret.

Dialling as the door slammed.

And that's us fresh out of cons, the rest are just pros, guys.

CHEERING Yeah!

Increased freezer space, all four drawers.

Cheaper gas and electric.

Reduced wear and tear on fixtures and fittings.

And when I say reduced I don't mean by half,

cos I was only ever responsible for about 10% of scuffs

and spills, so we're looking at a net reduction of 90% in real terms.

This is my favourite one, my favourite one, ultimate control

over where the iPhone charger cable is and why it is there.

There was a time it would take hours to answer the questions,

"Where is the iPhone charger cable? And why is it there?"

Not any more.

Plugged in next to the bed, most convenient place to have it.

Simple.

Is it...

..is it unplugged in the bathroom?

No. No, it's not.

That'd be a ludicrous place to keep it,

there's no plug socket in the bathroom.

Is it...

..in the front pocket of a rucksack you no longer use?

No, that'd be the last place you'd look,

that'd be very frustrating.

Is it...

..plugged in on a train we have alighted from?

No, no, it's plugged in next to the bed,

cos that's the most convenient place to have it.

Happy Christmas!

I've been John Robins, good night, bye-bye!

John Robins!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act?

CHEERING

This is one of my very good friends,

his career has absolutely gone stratospheric,

he is amazing, you're going to love him, please welcome Joel Dommett.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-# O come, all ye faithful

# Joyful and triumphant

# O come ye

# O come ye to Bethlehem

# Come and behold... #

What a tune! What a tune.

-Hello, Merry Christmas. AUDIENCE:

-Merry Christmas!

Yes, Merry Christmas, it's a pleasure, my name is Joel.

Come All Ye Faithful, what an intro track.

What an intro song, guys.

It's my favourite Christmas carol, its so good, what a banger.

What a tune. What a tune.

I request it all year round in the nightclubs.

Don't care, such a good... Cos it's the middle bit, when you sing it,

you just can't wait till the middle bit, that's the juicy part.

# Come all ye faithful joyful and triumphant

# O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem

# Come and behold him Born the king of angels...

HE WHISPERS # O come let us adore him

HE SINGS LOUDER # O come let us adore him

HE SHOUTS # Oh come let us adore him

# Christ the Lord! #

Yes! That's a carol! Oh, it's a fave. All year round.

It's the only time you can shout in assembly.

They can't tell you off. It's in the Bible, probably.

I got angry with my flatmate the other day,

got proper angry with him, cos he's a player.

Right, my flatmate's a proper player.

And I love players, don't get me wrong, I love 'em.

Cos you hear 'em before you see 'em.

In the nightclubs they're like, "I'm a playeeeeeeer."

The other players across the other

side of the nightclub are just like...

"Plaaaayeeeeer."

That's how they communicate.

Means you get women if you don't know that, that's what it means.

"Player" means you get women,

unless you're Spanish, in which case it means beach.

All the Spanish people in that nightclub are like,

"Where is the beach?"

"Donde esta the beach?"

This is the thing living with a player, right.

I just, like, we've got a small house,

I just know the noise that he makes when he has sex, I just know that.

I know that, right.

And I think it's funny,

because his noise sounds like a Nokia 3310 vibrating on a table.

Very specific.

And in my house, right, my TV is here and then behind the TV

..is his bedroom...

..and the erm...

There's a wall there as well.

LAUGHTER

That would be the creepiest house of all time.

"Let's just go behind the TV and ignore him, it's going to be fine."

He goes in with this lady.

I'm in the lounge, I'm playing Modern Warfare 3 on my Xbox.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whooo!

Yes "whoo," cos I'm a different kind of playeeeer!

He goes in with this lady and it's a thin wall, so I can just hear them

talking and they're like, you know, they're like,

HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE

HE IMITATES MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE

HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE

HE IMITATES MUFFLED LAUGHTER

MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE: Oh, my God, you're so funny.

HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE

MUFFLED MALE VOICE: Plaaaayyeeeeeeer.

MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE: Oh, my God, you're such a player.

HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE

# Come all ye faithful...

HE IMITATES MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE

HE IMITATES PHONE VIBRATING

HE IMITATES PHONE VIBRATING

MUFFLED MALE VOICE: I'm so sorry.

You guys have been absolutely incredible,

I've been Joel Dommett, have a nice evening, get home safe.

Merry Christmas!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joel Dommett!

That's the show, everybody,

we are so touched that you allowed us

to share your evening with you.

Thank you once again to my special guests, Marlon Davis...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Robins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Joel Dommett. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm Katherine Ryan.

Please be kind to yourselves and to others,

please be very generous, stay safe and look after each other.

Happy holidays, good evening.