Episode 3 Live at the Apollo


Episode 3

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 3. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:110:00:17

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight...

0:00:170:00:22

..Rob Beckett!

0:00:220:00:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:240:00:26

Hey, hey!

0:00:350:00:37

Hello, and welcome to Live At The Apollo.

0:00:390:00:42

I'm Rob. You happy? You good?

0:00:420:00:45

Yes!

0:00:450:00:46

Nice. I'm happy. I'm very happy to be here.

0:00:460:00:48

Right, very happy to be out of the house.

0:00:480:00:51

Because me and my missus have moved, and we've got a doer-upper.

0:00:510:00:55

She likes to call it a project.

0:00:550:00:57

Do you know what I call it? Fucking derelict!

0:00:570:01:01

I ain't got a sink!

0:01:010:01:03

I ain't got a sink! You got a sink?

0:01:030:01:06

-No.

-No?!

0:01:060:01:08

-You haven't got a sink?

-No, my housemate just took it out.

0:01:080:01:10

Your housemate just took it out?

0:01:100:01:12

Who are you living with, Handy Andy, what's going on?

0:01:120:01:14

-You've got a sink, yeah?

-We've got a kitchen sink.

0:01:140:01:16

You got a kitchen sink? Yeah, I ain't got one sink, mate!

0:01:160:01:19

The sink's coming next week.

0:01:190:01:21

I ain't got nothing! It's the only reason I'm here.

0:01:210:01:23

Tell some jokes, wash my hands.

0:01:230:01:26

No sink!

0:01:270:01:29

And I can't do any DIY.

0:01:290:01:31

Useless. All I can do is jet wash.

0:01:310:01:33

Amazing. I love a jet wash.

0:01:340:01:36

Dirty patio, yes, please.

0:01:360:01:38

Feels so good. It's so rewarding for such little effort, isn't it?

0:01:390:01:43

I love it. Always leave a little patch to show them how dirty it was.

0:01:430:01:48

That's how dirty it was until I got involved.

0:01:480:01:51

I get carried away.

0:01:510:01:52

I was at the front of my house, went down the street,

0:01:520:01:54

started doing a bus stop. Not even mine!

0:01:540:01:57

I will jet wash anything if it stays still long enough.

0:01:570:02:00

Did a dog.

0:02:000:02:02

Come up lovely!

0:02:020:02:05

And the thing is, I can't do DIY and we've got a derelict house.

0:02:050:02:09

But the problem is, the father-in-law is one of those

0:02:090:02:13

father in-laws that bought a wreck, did it up,

0:02:130:02:15

because he knows all about DIY and now it's worth double,

0:02:150:02:18

and he comes round my house,

0:02:180:02:20

swinging his massive I-decorated-my-whole-house dick,

0:02:200:02:23

knocking things off the side, smashing vases.

0:02:230:02:28

That's right, I've got a vase. Nothing to fill it up with.

0:02:280:02:31

No sink!

0:02:310:02:32

Empty vase, dead flowers, that's my life!

0:02:340:02:37

And he's got a ladder.

0:02:390:02:41

Flash bastard.

0:02:420:02:44

Who does he think he is?

0:02:440:02:47

How often's he going up high?

0:02:470:02:49

Just take your chances on a rickety chair like everyone else.

0:02:490:02:53

Live a little.

0:02:530:02:55

Live life on the edge.

0:02:550:02:57

He's got a tool box. Well, I've got a tool box.

0:02:570:03:00

Well, I've got a Spider-Man lunchbox with a screwdriver in it,

0:03:000:03:03

but... As far as I'm concerned, that's a box with a tool in it.

0:03:030:03:07

Three screwdrivers, actually.

0:03:070:03:09

I had a very fortunate Christmas cracker episode.

0:03:090:03:11

And the annoying thing is, when he comes round to do jobs in the house,

0:03:130:03:16

I can't go out or play Fifa.

0:03:160:03:18

I've got to stand near him like I'm helping.

0:03:180:03:21

I don't know anything. I might as well be standing next to a vet.

0:03:210:03:25

I've got nothing in my locker!

0:03:250:03:27

Just stand under his ladder,

0:03:270:03:29

dust and paint like his little peasant helper boy.

0:03:290:03:32

Sire, what can I do for you, sire?

0:03:320:03:35

What can I do while you do the curtain, DIY God?

0:03:350:03:39

He just demands thing. Like, "Pass me my Phillip screwdriver."

0:03:390:03:43

What kind of wanker names his screwdrivers?

0:03:430:03:46

Idiot.

0:03:480:03:50

Do you want Peter and Paul and Danny, do you?

0:03:500:03:54

I have to spend a lot more time with the in-laws as well now.

0:03:550:03:59

Cos I've got a kid. And at Christmas time, they want to see the kid,

0:03:590:04:02

don't they? So, we have to split Christmases between her parents and

0:04:020:04:06

my parents. "Year on, year off," she calls it.

0:04:060:04:08

"Good year, shit year," that's what it should be called.

0:04:080:04:11

Yeah. A year you enjoy Christmas,

0:04:160:04:18

a year you want to stab yourself in the eyes with screwdrivers.

0:04:180:04:21

It's awful. They do have some nice bits of their Christmas.

0:04:210:04:25

They're, like, lovely family. Very middle-class.

0:04:250:04:27

They have a lovely tradition which involves every Christmas,

0:04:270:04:29

the family getting new pair of pyjamas, right?

0:04:290:04:32

Each, not one massive pair they all pile in.

0:04:320:04:34

All get a new pair of pyjamas, right?

0:04:340:04:37

And they put them on, right? And then they go to bed.

0:04:370:04:40

There's three daughters in the family.

0:04:400:04:41

I'm married to one of the girls, she's got two sisters.

0:04:410:04:44

So they all put their new pyjamas on, go to bed,

0:04:440:04:46

wake up in the morning in their new pyjamas,

0:04:460:04:47

get the stocking from the end of their bed,

0:04:470:04:49

run into Mum and Dad's room,

0:04:490:04:50

sit on the bed and the whole family, in their new pyjamas,

0:04:500:04:53

open their stockings.

0:04:530:04:54

What a lovely tradition, isn't it?

0:04:540:04:57

Eh? When they were three, five and eight.

0:04:570:04:59

Not last Christmas,

0:05:020:05:03

when on the bed in their pyjamas

0:05:030:05:06

there was a 21-year-old, a 25-year-old, and a 28-year-old.

0:05:060:05:08

Stuck in the corner is me,

0:05:080:05:10

a fully grown adult man...

0:05:100:05:13

..sitting there with a boner!

0:05:130:05:16

LAUGHTER

0:05:160:05:17

It's not my fault! Nothing weird's going on.

0:05:220:05:25

They've got me up too early and rushed me through!

0:05:250:05:27

I've gone in the toilet,

0:05:290:05:30

as though I'm smuggling in half a Toblerone!

0:05:300:05:33

Got a couple of Alps. Give me the chance.

0:05:340:05:37

It's a nightmare first thing, isn't it,

0:05:370:05:38

in the morning? Everyone sort of goes, "Oh, men.

0:05:380:05:41

"They can get it out and go wherever."

0:05:410:05:42

Not first thing in the morning!

0:05:420:05:44

Oh, it's like pissing through a metal chopstick.

0:05:440:05:46

You haven't got a chance! And you're arching your back like a cat trying

0:05:460:05:49

to get out of the bath.

0:05:490:05:51

"What're you doing in there?!

0:05:520:05:54

"Look, either piss on the ceiling or I'll snap it in half!"

0:05:540:05:58

"Do you want more grandkids?!!

0:05:580:06:00

Don't know why I'm shouting, the door was open.

0:06:000:06:03

It's all grown up for me now.

0:06:060:06:07

Wife, kids, stuff like that, you know?

0:06:070:06:09

Bought a tumble dryer. I'm doing all right.

0:06:090:06:13

I've got a tumble dryer. Love the tumble dryer.

0:06:130:06:16

I love the tumble dryer because he don't care.

0:06:160:06:18

He's an animal. It's like the wild card on a stag do.

0:06:180:06:22

It'll do whatever you want him to do.

0:06:220:06:24

The tumble dryer has got one setting - on.

0:06:240:06:27

It's all he knows - on.

0:06:290:06:31

It's all he cares about.

0:06:310:06:33

All he wants to know is, how long?

0:06:330:06:35

Just... 15 towels, nine hours, wallop.

0:06:370:06:40

Tumble!

0:06:400:06:42

Tumble!

0:06:430:06:46

Don't care. Chuck a bowl of water in and it'll try and dry it.

0:06:460:06:51

It don't care. Tumble! It don't even need to be in the house.

0:06:510:06:56

Get in the shed! Get in the shed! Tumble!

0:06:560:06:59

Love it, love the tumble dryer!

0:07:010:07:03

My clothes are so dry.

0:07:030:07:05

They're so dry, my clothes, with the tumble.

0:07:060:07:09

They're so dry!

0:07:090:07:11

I mean, I used to just hang them up and hope in the hallway.

0:07:110:07:13

Now, they're so dry!

0:07:130:07:15

Nothing fits, but...

0:07:150:07:18

They're so dry and tiny, my clothes. I love it!

0:07:200:07:23

Anything you want, chuck in there.

0:07:250:07:26

Tumble!

0:07:260:07:28

All you need, a little de-fluff now and again, which is fun, isn't it?

0:07:280:07:32

That's always fun. I'm a little old for the tumble tube.

0:07:320:07:35

These, you know, you know the little tube that just...?

0:07:350:07:37

I think he shouts all the water out. He's like, "Tumble!"

0:07:370:07:40

He's a little old for that, isn't it?

0:07:400:07:42

We got ours in the kitchen, our tumble dryer.

0:07:420:07:44

Because there's a gap where the sink should be.

0:07:440:07:47

LAUGHTER

0:07:470:07:48

I know what you're thinking. Where's the tumble tube going?

0:07:510:07:54

Where are you putting the tube? Cat flap.

0:07:540:07:56

Perfect, isn't it?

0:07:580:07:59

Straight for the flap, outdoor's still locked, house secure.

0:07:590:08:02

No breeze, because it's for the flap.

0:08:020:08:04

Only problem is no-one told the cat.

0:08:040:08:06

Poor little fella's coming home after a night out.

0:08:080:08:10

Oh, hello.

0:08:110:08:13

There's a tube in my flap.

0:08:130:08:15

What's going on there?

0:08:150:08:17

Some sweets, some dreamies?

0:08:170:08:18

What's the...?

0:08:180:08:19

Tumble!

0:08:190:08:21

Tumbled the cat, didn't we?

0:08:220:08:23

It's all right, I've got a nice little kitten now.

0:08:240:08:27

It's quality.

0:08:270:08:28

It will shrink anything.

0:08:300:08:31

Like the dishwasher as well. I've got a dishwasher.

0:08:310:08:34

I like dishwasher. He's all right.

0:08:340:08:36

Keeps his head down, doesn't he? Stays out of trouble.

0:08:360:08:39

Occasionally, pops his little light on, doesn't he?

0:08:390:08:42

Like, hello! Beep, beep! Dishwasher here, DW just checking in.

0:08:420:08:45

Sorry to interrupt, but I need some salt.

0:08:450:08:48

What?

0:08:500:08:51

Why?! What are you doing in there, tequila?

0:08:510:08:54

What's happening?! You're supposed to be washing the glasses,

0:08:540:08:58

not using them!

0:08:580:09:00

What's he need salt for?!

0:09:000:09:02

Before I got a dishwasher, I didn't do washing up by hand and go,

0:09:020:09:05

"Here we go. Let's get a bowl of salt. Can't do the dishes without seasoning, can we?"

0:09:050:09:09

What's it want now, handful of coriander?

0:09:090:09:12

There you go, mate, get on with it.

0:09:120:09:15

The worst is when it asks for Rinse Aid.

0:09:150:09:18

Get a life!

0:09:180:09:20

Rinse Aid! Do me a favour.

0:09:200:09:22

It's got two jobs - wash it, rinse it. Shut up!

0:09:220:09:25

But I don't mind the dishwasher.

0:09:270:09:29

Washing machine, though, I do not like.

0:09:290:09:32

Arrogant.

0:09:320:09:34

Flash, isn't it?

0:09:340:09:36

Smarmy little bastard.

0:09:360:09:39

Too many settings, isn't it? It reckons itself,

0:09:390:09:42

doesn't it? Quick wash, slow wash, 30 degrees, 40 degrees, 50 degrees,

0:09:420:09:45

synthetics, cottons, silk.

0:09:450:09:48

And it's a liar.

0:09:500:09:52

It's a liar, the washing machine.

0:09:520:09:53

It lies about how long's left.

0:09:530:09:55

Never been right!

0:09:580:10:00

Walked past it the other day. 30 minutes, it said.

0:10:000:10:03

Well, it said 30. I don't know what it's counting in, but it said 30.

0:10:030:10:06

Go and watch the football.

0:10:080:10:10

Watch the first half of the football, 45 minutes.

0:10:100:10:12

Come back, it's on ten!

0:10:120:10:14

In what world was that 20 minutes?

0:10:160:10:19

I turned around, looked in the fridge, went back, it went down to nine!

0:10:190:10:22

That weren't a minute! And I

0:10:220:10:23

know that because it's a minute before the fridge alarm goes off.

0:10:230:10:27

So, I go and watch the second half of the football, right?

0:10:270:10:29

Watched it, 45 minutes, come back.

0:10:290:10:31

It's on one.

0:10:310:10:33

Eight minute second-half?

0:10:330:10:34

That don't make sense, does it?

0:10:340:10:36

But I thought, you know, I'm busy, but I'm not that busy.

0:10:360:10:39

I'll sit it out.

0:10:390:10:40

Ten minutes I looked at a one minute.

0:10:480:10:50

I was getting more and more angry, just losing it.

0:10:530:10:56

And I thought, "Just go to bed, Rob.

0:10:560:10:58

"Just go to bed, sort it out in the morning," right?

0:10:580:11:01

Went upstairs, went to bed, right? Got ready for bed, clean my teeth.

0:11:010:11:04

Four hours later, I'm getting into bed.

0:11:040:11:06

And...

0:11:060:11:07

LAUGHTER

0:11:070:11:08

I'm trying to make it more subtle.

0:11:140:11:17

And I get into bed. My head hits the pillow, right?

0:11:170:11:20

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

0:11:200:11:23

Finished, isn't it?

0:11:230:11:25

And I've got one of those machines that beeps for ever.

0:11:250:11:28

I don't know if you have this, because I don't need it to beep for ever.

0:11:280:11:31

Just a couple of beeps will do. Because it's not as if

0:11:310:11:33

if it don't beep for ever, I'll forget I own a washing machine and clothes.

0:11:330:11:37

Just walk past it every day for ever.

0:11:370:11:39

What's that big white thing with clothes in?

0:11:390:11:41

If it beeps, I'll have a look in it.

0:11:410:11:43

But as soon as it's not beeping,

0:11:430:11:45

I'll leave it shut for the rest of my life.

0:11:450:11:47

I think, "Right, it's beeping.

0:11:490:11:51

"Just go downstairs, get it out the washing machine

0:11:510:11:54

"and chuck it in the tumble dryer, you'll be fine."

0:11:540:11:56

The old faithful, not a problem, right?

0:11:560:11:58

Get up, go downstairs, go to open it...

0:11:580:12:01

"Sorry, I'm locked!

0:12:070:12:08

"I'm not feeling safe yet, actually.

0:12:080:12:10

"I'm locked.

0:12:100:12:12

"I'm draining." How much water could be in there?

0:12:120:12:15

I'll be all right. We're not on the Titanic, mate!

0:12:150:12:17

Just open it up, let me in.

0:12:170:12:19

I'm willing to take the risk.

0:12:190:12:21

And I lost it. And I don't know if you've ever ripped the door off a

0:12:230:12:27

washing machine...

0:12:270:12:28

..with your bare hands.

0:12:300:12:32

Right? It feels good!

0:12:320:12:34

The only problem is when the repair man's there in the morning,

0:12:340:12:38

and he goes, "How did this happen?"

0:12:380:12:41

And all you've got is, "It come off in my hand..."

0:12:410:12:44

And he goes, "Well, in my opinion,

0:12:450:12:48

"it looks like it's been ripped from the hinges...

0:12:480:12:51

"and stamped on."

0:12:510:12:53

Well, I'm not paying you for your opinion.

0:12:560:13:00

Fix it, shut up and get out of my house.

0:13:000:13:03

Is your dad staying for dinner or is he going? What's that?

0:13:040:13:07

Right. Are you ready for your first act?

0:13:150:13:19

CHEERING

0:13:190:13:20

Please welcome to the stage Jen Brister!

0:13:200:13:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:13:240:13:26

Well, good evening, Apollo!

0:13:380:13:40

CHEERING

0:13:400:13:42

It's lovely to be here.

0:13:420:13:44

I've come all the way from Brighton.

0:13:440:13:46

Just in case you're wondering what this haircut is about. Um...

0:13:460:13:52

I might be a new face for some of you people.

0:13:530:13:56

Don't panic, the BBC invited me here cos they...

0:13:560:13:59

..they needed a beige lesbian.

0:13:590:14:01

So...I'm just here to tick some boxes.

0:14:010:14:04

Not your box, madam.

0:14:040:14:06

Just... Just a metaphorical box.

0:14:060:14:10

I'm half Spanish, that's what's happening there.

0:14:110:14:15

I've got a Spanish mum.

0:14:150:14:17

And she lives here in the UK, it's all very legal.

0:14:170:14:20

She's lived longer in the UK than she's ever lived in Spain

0:14:220:14:25

but the brilliant thing about my mum is that she's never lost her accent.

0:14:250:14:28

IN SPANISH ACCENT: She's still very, very... Lots of words she cannot pronounce.

0:14:280:14:31

Lots of lots of words she cannot pronounce, huh?

0:14:310:14:34

OWN ACCENT: My favourite word that my mum's never been able to pronounce is...

0:14:340:14:39

..my brother's name.

0:14:390:14:41

LAUGHTER

0:14:410:14:43

It's not even a difficult name.

0:14:450:14:46

His name's Stephen.

0:14:460:14:48

I don't know if you've noticed this, but Spanish people, any word that

0:14:480:14:51

begins with a letter S, they struggle, right?

0:14:510:14:53

So my mum doesn't call him Stephen.

0:14:530:14:54

She calls him...

0:14:540:14:56

Estevan.

0:14:560:14:58

What's his name, Mum?

0:15:030:15:05

Estevan.

0:15:050:15:06

Is it?

0:15:080:15:10

Isn't it just Stephen?

0:15:120:15:14

No. I know his name, he's my son, it is Estevan!

0:15:140:15:17

I don't know how my mum... My mum's never really coped in this country.

0:15:210:15:24

And I think it's because like a lot of Mediterranean people, she's quite loud. Yeah?

0:15:240:15:27

She's got one volume. It's like this -

0:15:270:15:29

Hallo!! How are you?!

0:15:290:15:32

Whereas in this country, particularly if we're middle class,

0:15:320:15:36

we tend to be low talkers, don't we?

0:15:360:15:38

We don't like to raise our voices, do we?

0:15:390:15:42

Why?

0:15:420:15:45

Because we've got money.

0:15:450:15:46

And we just assume that if you

0:15:520:15:54

are raising your voice, well, you're probably...

0:15:540:15:57

poor.

0:15:570:15:59

Or worse, foreign.

0:16:000:16:02

Great thing about having a Mediterranean mum is they feed you.

0:16:050:16:09

Oh, my God. She's always feeding.

0:16:090:16:11

That's her way of showing that she loves her children is to feed us.

0:16:110:16:13

Anything could be going on in my life and my mum will relate it back to a meal that she's cooked.

0:16:130:16:17

Do you know what I mean? Like, so good or bad, particularly if I'm depressed,

0:16:170:16:20

if I phone up my mum, and I've had a terrible day, yeah?

0:16:200:16:23

I phone up my mum. The conversation always goes like this.

0:16:230:16:25

"Oh, Jennifer. My God, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard time right now.

0:16:250:16:29

"But, you know what? Don't worry, OK? I made a soup.

0:16:290:16:33

"Come home, you sound hungry.

0:16:330:16:36

"I made chicken, carne, lamb tagine.

0:16:360:16:38

"I made some tortillas, some paellas, some cauliflower.

0:16:380:16:41

"Maybe some meatballs, some beef, some banana ball.

0:16:410:16:44

"You're a lesbian. You don't eat enough balls, please?

0:16:440:16:47

"Come home.

0:16:470:16:49

"Eat my balls."

0:16:500:16:52

I'm 42. Don't worry, I'm not going to moan about my age.

0:16:570:17:00

I realise there's nothing worse than somebody younger than you moaning

0:17:000:17:03

about their age. You know, when you overhear somebody saying things like

0:17:030:17:06

this on the bus, "I'm going to be 23 on Saturday

0:17:060:17:09

"and I just feel really old."

0:17:090:17:13

And you think, "I will...

0:17:130:17:15

"stab you in the face."

0:17:150:17:16

I'm not going to moan about it.

0:17:180:17:20

You get boring as you get older

0:17:200:17:22

because you-you just...you do less.

0:17:220:17:24

And the way to make sure that you really nail the coffin in dullness,

0:17:240:17:28

have kids. Oh, my God!

0:17:280:17:31

Snoresville!

0:17:310:17:33

I've got twins. I've got twins, yeah.

0:17:330:17:36

Going to be three in a few weeks' time.

0:17:360:17:38

And... Don't cheer that, thank you.

0:17:380:17:41

If you had twins, you'd be like,

0:17:410:17:43

"Oh, unbelievable! Keep going, mate!"

0:17:430:17:46

Because I am... This is a dream sequence for me.

0:17:460:17:48

I think I'm actually dead.

0:17:480:17:50

I was... Do you know what I was really worried about before I had

0:17:520:17:55

children? It wasn't about being a parent.

0:17:550:17:56

I was really worried about being dull.

0:17:560:17:58

Because I'm not... I mean, look.

0:17:580:18:00

Having kids late, 42, yeah?

0:18:000:18:02

And they're only, like, nearly three.

0:18:020:18:04

Most of my friends have had kids,

0:18:040:18:05

and I remember my best mate when she had her kids.

0:18:050:18:08

Dear God. Before the children arrived,

0:18:080:18:11

we'd have interesting conversations about current affairs,

0:18:110:18:14

popular culture. She'd ask me questions like, "How are you?"

0:18:140:18:17

Yeah. Soon as the kids arrived...

0:18:170:18:19

..that went. Go round the house and it's a bit more like this,

0:18:190:18:22

"Oh, hi, Jen. Oh, Jen, thanks so much for coming, Jen. Look at the baby. Look at the baby.

0:18:220:18:26

"Isn't the baby the most beautiful baby you've ever seen in your life?

0:18:260:18:29

"We love this baby, don't we, Dave? We like to look at the baby all day. Jen, look at the baby.

0:18:290:18:32

"You don't want to miss a second of anything the baby's doing.

0:18:320:18:35

"What did we learn today, David? We learned something really important today, Dave. We learned war is bad.

0:18:350:18:39

"We didn't know that until we had a baby. Jen, look at the baby. Jen, look at the baby...

0:18:390:18:42

"I had to video everything the baby does. We think our baby's a genius.

0:18:420:18:45

"We think our baby is more clever than any other baby that's ever existed before.

0:18:450:18:48

"What are you looking at me like that, David? What's happening, David? The baby's blinking?

0:18:480:18:51

"That's incredible, Dave. Video it! Play it back to our friends while they self-harm in our living room."

0:18:510:18:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:550:18:58

I do not want to be that person.

0:19:040:19:06

And it is not sustainable.

0:19:060:19:08

Yeah? Because that mate of yours will make the error of having two or maybe three kids.

0:19:080:19:13

Go round their house after they've had their second or third child,

0:19:130:19:16

and you'll find a very subtle change in their behaviour.

0:19:160:19:18

It's a bit more like this. "Sorry, mate. Can I just stop you there? It's just that...

0:19:180:19:22

"little Johnny's got his fingers in the plug socket and I'm worried he might electrocute himself."

0:19:220:19:27

"Leave him, we've got another one. Open the Pinot Grigio."

0:19:270:19:30

Being a parent is hard!

0:19:320:19:34

It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. And no-one tells you!

0:19:340:19:38

Yeah, in fact, no-one is more delighted for you to have children than your friends who have children.

0:19:380:19:44

They are over and above more excited for you than members of your family.

0:19:440:19:48

Tell a mate with kids you're going to have kids, they're like that...

0:19:480:19:51

"Oh, my God! I'm so happy for you!

0:19:510:19:54

"I'm sure they'll give you so much, you'll grow as a person.

0:19:540:19:58

"Unconditional love!"

0:19:580:20:02

At the time you think, "God, they are really happy for me."

0:20:030:20:06

It's only after you have your kids that you go, "That was hysteria."

0:20:060:20:10

Do you know what I wish?

0:20:100:20:12

If one of my mates had taken me to one side and just give me an idea about what to expect. You know,

0:20:120:20:16

just sat me down gave me a little bit of truth bomb.

0:20:160:20:19

I would have appreciated this conversation.

0:20:190:20:21

"Brister. Hello, mate. Why don't you sit down?

0:20:210:20:24

"Just to let you know, it's bit of a horror show.

0:20:240:20:27

"You're never going to finish a cup of tea or coffee again.

0:20:270:20:29

"You're going to have to have a shit with the door open.

0:20:290:20:31

"Your sex life is over, your social life is dead,

0:20:310:20:33

"and if you want to have an ice cream, you're going to have to have it behind a bin in the garden.

0:20:330:20:37

"Anyway... Congratulations."

0:20:370:20:40

Apollo, you've been an absolute delight. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

0:20:420:20:45

Thank you so much!

0:20:450:20:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:470:20:49

Jen Brister!

0:20:530:20:54

Oh, yeah.

0:20:560:20:58

You ready for another act?

0:20:580:21:00

Yeah!

0:21:000:21:02

Welcome to the stage Darren Harriott!

0:21:020:21:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:050:21:08

Yes!

0:21:190:21:20

Wild one!

0:21:200:21:21

Glad to be here, man.

0:21:220:21:24

My name is Darren Harriott.

0:21:240:21:26

I'm 29... Very much a typical sort of millennial, you know?

0:21:260:21:31

I've got typical millennial traits.

0:21:310:21:33

Always on my phone.

0:21:330:21:35

My favourite website is Google.

0:21:350:21:37

I know, it's a bit weird, isn't it?

0:21:390:21:40

It's not a website, it's a search engine.

0:21:400:21:42

It's like saying, "What's your favourite sexual position?"

0:21:420:21:44

"Bedroom."

0:21:440:21:46

I'll tell you what I love about Google, right?

0:21:460:21:49

You can tap anything you want into the search bars,

0:21:490:21:53

and you never get in trouble.

0:21:530:21:55

Like, anything. I was bored one day and I tapped into Google,

0:21:550:22:00

"how to dispose of a dead body."

0:22:000:22:02

The weird part was by the time I tapped in "dispose,"

0:22:020:22:06

Google finished the rest of the sentence off for me.

0:22:060:22:08

I mean, that's a bit weird, right?

0:22:080:22:10

Somebody else has already asked this as a question!

0:22:100:22:13

Literally hundreds and hundreds of comments from people saying things

0:22:130:22:16

like, "Don't worry. Close the laptop. Pray, the Lord will forgive you."

0:22:160:22:21

Except for one psychopath who wrote a full detailed description

0:22:210:22:27

of exactly how to dispose of a dead body, to the point where it was chilling.

0:22:270:22:32

He's like, "Yeah, you've got to chop the body into pieces, shave the hair off, take the teeth out,

0:22:320:22:35

"put the body parts into bin liners,

0:22:350:22:37

"spray the bin liner with deodorant so the cats don't rip the bag..."

0:22:370:22:41

LAUGHTER

0:22:410:22:42

Really chilling.

0:22:440:22:46

Then at the end, he just had the nerve to put, "Hope this helps."

0:22:460:22:50

What a nice guy!

0:22:540:22:56

I'm obsessed, man.

0:22:560:22:58

I'm obsessed with the way society is going.

0:22:580:23:00

Like, do you think we're getting too PC?

0:23:000:23:02

Yeah!

0:23:020:23:04

We might be. Every year, we lose a Halloween costume.

0:23:040:23:09

I'll tell you why I think that, right?

0:23:090:23:12

I tell you why I think we might be getting too PC.

0:23:120:23:14

We now have racial emojis.

0:23:140:23:17

Remember when all emojis were yellow?

0:23:190:23:21

And nobody cared?

0:23:210:23:24

I tell you why I don't like these new racial emojis, because I had no

0:23:240:23:28

idea what shade of black I was...

0:23:280:23:31

..until these new emojis came out,

0:23:330:23:36

but apparently, I am second-to-last black.

0:23:360:23:38

APPLAUSE

0:23:400:23:43

Yeah. On holiday, I'm the guy on the end.

0:23:460:23:49

But...

0:23:490:23:50

I am British. I'm Black British.

0:23:530:23:56

I like being Black British because you can brag about the British Empire

0:23:560:23:58

but have none of the guilt.

0:23:580:24:00

Oh, it's amazing!

0:24:010:24:03

I am British and proud, man.

0:24:050:24:07

I... Listen.

0:24:070:24:08

I voted in the Brexit thing, I voted remain.

0:24:080:24:11

I did.

0:24:110:24:12

WHOOPING

0:24:120:24:13

I tell you why I voted in the Brexit thing.

0:24:130:24:16

Never cared about politics before, until then.

0:24:160:24:18

Very millennial way. I saw a clip online of a woman losing her mind

0:24:180:24:24

about Brexit and she said something I had never heard before and I've

0:24:240:24:27

still never heard it. She was on Question Time.

0:24:270:24:30

And she was like, "Look. I am white English!

0:24:300:24:34

"And because of these refugees,

0:24:340:24:36

"we are now the indigenous people of this land!"

0:24:360:24:40

And I'm sitting there in my boxer shorts like, "For real?

0:24:420:24:45

"You're indigenous now, really? You're dying out, really?

0:24:450:24:48

"Really? Sting's going to bring you to the Emmys, really?

0:24:480:24:52

"Really?"

0:24:520:24:53

Now, look, I know there's white English people in here today.

0:24:530:24:56

And I just want to say, thank you for coming!

0:24:560:24:59

It's always good to have some of the natives in!

0:24:590:25:02

Oh, I'm going to be taking pictures with you outside.

0:25:100:25:13

Show the grandkids how crazy things were!

0:25:130:25:17

I know, you're still in the lead, isn't it?

0:25:180:25:20

You're still in the lead. I've been to Cornwall.

0:25:200:25:22

We had all these marches.

0:25:260:25:28

Feminist march, you guys go?

0:25:280:25:29

Yeah, man. Even I went.

0:25:300:25:32

I did! I went there looking for a date.

0:25:320:25:35

Honestly! A bunch of women angry at an old white guy -

0:25:360:25:40

as a young black guy, smooth sailing, boy!

0:25:400:25:44

I went there with a net.

0:25:440:25:46

There were some creepy guy there, as well, who had a T-shirt on that said, "I am a feminist."

0:25:470:25:52

And I was like, "Urgh! All right."

0:25:520:25:55

And he opens his bag, puts on a hat that said, "I am a feminist," too.

0:25:550:26:00

And I was like, "You're a creep!"

0:26:000:26:01

Honestly! Like, I support the feminist movement, but come on!

0:26:030:26:06

Really? You need to put it on two different types of fabric?

0:26:060:26:09

Really? And I support it.

0:26:090:26:12

I do. But I reckon deep down women aren't even attracted to guys like

0:26:120:26:16

that who walk around with a T-shirt saying, "I'm a feminist."

0:26:160:26:18

Because deep down,

0:26:180:26:20

you know he's not going to do all the things you want in the bedroom.

0:26:200:26:23

Even the basic stuff!

0:26:230:26:26

"Tell me I've been a bad girl."

0:26:260:26:27

"You're a strong, independent woman!"

0:26:270:26:30

Exactly! I'm a big supporter of people's rights, man.

0:26:350:26:39

That's my thing, big supporter.

0:26:390:26:41

The LGBT community, big supporter of that.

0:26:410:26:44

But I got told off! Because it's not just LGBT any more, is it?

0:26:440:26:47

It's a little bit longer.

0:26:470:26:49

It's LGBTQIAPK - Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer,

0:26:490:26:54

intersex, asexual, pansexual, kinky.

0:26:540:26:58

Yeah! They took all the colours of the rainbow.

0:26:580:27:01

Now they've taken the letters!

0:27:010:27:03

And I support it!

0:27:030:27:04

I do! I support it.

0:27:040:27:06

Except for the last one.

0:27:060:27:08

Kinky.

0:27:080:27:10

Are kinky people a marginalised group now?

0:27:100:27:13

Kinky's just a matter of opinion, isn't it?

0:27:130:27:16

What's kinky to me might just be Tuesday for you, you piece of shit!

0:27:160:27:19

I tell you one thing, right? Officially, officially,

0:27:270:27:31

there's over 50 different genders now.

0:27:310:27:34

50! It's catching up with Pokemon!

0:27:340:27:36

And I support it. Again, I support all these different genders.

0:27:370:27:42

But I tell you one thing - that's really going to ruin the game Guess Who?

0:27:420:27:45

"Is it a man?"

0:27:470:27:49

"No." "OK."

0:27:490:27:50

"Is it someone who was born a man and now lives as a woman?"

0:27:520:27:55

"No." "OK."

0:27:550:27:57

"Is it someone who was born a man, but no longer lives as a man or a woman,

0:27:590:28:04

"refers to themselves as gender fluid and doesn't answer to pronouns he or she?

0:28:040:28:08

"Also wearing a hat?"

0:28:100:28:12

Guys, I just want to say, back when I was trying to make it as a comic,

0:28:240:28:27

I used to work here as a security guard.

0:28:270:28:30

So, doing this now has been a legit dream come true.

0:28:300:28:32

Thank you very much, man!

0:28:320:28:34

Darren Harriott!

0:28:390:28:41

Give it up for the acts you've seen, Jen Brister!

0:28:410:28:45

Darren Harriott! And I've been Rob Beckett.

0:28:460:28:50

Be lucky and good night!

0:28:500:28:53

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS