Episode 3 Live at the Apollo


Episode 3

Stand-up comedy from the world-famous Hammersmith Apollo. Dara O Briain presents sets from Inbetweeners star Greg Davies and Canadian one-liner specialist Stewart Francis.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O Briain!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

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Are you in good form? Yes, welcome to our show.

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It is a pleasure and delight to have you here. What a show we have for you. It's lovely to do stand-up,

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away from behind a desk, just telling jokes, messing around.

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I love stand-up. I adore it. It's the greatest art form in the world.

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It isn't burdened, like other art forms with snobbery. "You should like this film or like this book."

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Or, "You should like this music." Stand-up's just funny, we enjoy it.

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You know when people go, "Oh, you like that music? That's the wrong music.

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"You should like this music." It's just sound, for Jesus' sake!

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"These noises are the wrong noises!"

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If people like mainstream pop... I like a bit of mainstream pop.

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A bit of Girls Aloud, a bit of Take That. Nothing wrong with that.

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But you have to go, "They're my guilty pleasure." LAUGHTER

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I hate that phrase. It is an insult to top quality pop.

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It is also an insult to guilt.

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I might be an atheist now, and I am, but I did my time in the Catholic Church and, frankly...

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we did a lot of work on guilt and it takes a lot more than, "Gimme, gimme, gimme, a man after midnight,"

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to earn the title Guilty. You have to actually have the man after midnight.

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If you have a guilty pleasure, let it be something you genuinely feel guilty about.

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You know my guilty pleasure? What my actual guilty pleasure is?

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I like to use a crowded Tube train to touch women.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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It feels wrong...but it feels right! That's practically the definition of a guilty pleasure.

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Particularly good if you can make it seem like it's their fault. "Ah! Buy me dinner next time, honey(!)

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"That's just the way I like to stand, all right, sister?"

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I don't do that, by the way! Just in case... I don't actually touch.

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I just smell them. There's nothing wrong with that. They don't own the air.

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"What are you doing?" "I'm asthmatic...maybe."

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Anyway, it's a great honour and we've got all sorts of people.

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The punters, hello, hello, hello to the celebs. Zoe Salmon is here from Blue Peter.

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Not only of Blue Peter, but also former Miss Northern Ireland.

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WHISTLES

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Miss Northern Ireland is unique because half the time the winner won't wear the sash.

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LAUGHTER

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Also James Caan. Good to have you here. One of the Dragons.

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Don't judge James. Just because Peter is on a private plane somewhere

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and Theo's on an island and James has taken free tickets to a show in Hammersmith...

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That doesn't mean he's not welcome.

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We've all sorts of types of people. This is the one thing about stand-up.

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You get mixed audiences, like tonight. Some people know some things and some don't know other things.

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You're kind of working around the fact that different people have experienced different things.

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For example, right, I love saying what I'm going to say next,

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not just for the people who cheer in support of me, but also those who will silently judge me for this.

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It's very simple. I love video games.

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CHEERING

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I enjoy saying that, as I said, because half the room are going, "Ah, Jesus, you're 38."

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You're not supposed to like video games. It's the largest entertainment industry in the world

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and we're supposed to not enjoy it. I am a gamer and I'm very proud to be a gamer.

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I understand it's embarrassing. If I'm at a dinner party and someone says, "How do you relax after a gig?"

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it's less embarrassing to go, "I masturbate to hard-core pornography."

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After that, the conversation is exactly the same. "I've not done that since I was a teenager."

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"Check it out. It's really moved on."

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LAUGHTER

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"The graphics alone are unrecognisable. And you use all ten fingers. It's incredible."

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I love video games for this reason - they do a thing which no other art form does, right?

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You cannot be bad at watching a movie. You cannot be bad at listening to an album,

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but you can be bad at playing a video game and the video game will punish you and deny you access to the rest.

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No other art form does this. You've never read a book and three chapters in the book has gone,

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"What are the major themes of the book so far?"

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"I-I-I don't know. I wasn't..." Foom! "Aw, Jesus! Come on!"

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You've never listened to an album and after three songs, the album has gone, "Show me your dancing."

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"Is this good enough?" And the album's gone, "No!" and stopped.

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Games do this all the time. I'll give you an example. A famous game called Grand Theft Auto IV.

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CHEERING

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A very controversial game. You can drag someone to an alleyway and shoot them in the head.

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I never got to that bit. I got stuck where you steal a car and drive to assassinate a guy.

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He kept running away.

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I had to steal another car and drive back again, but you couldn't drive quickly because of a tollbooth

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and you slow up and pay the guy or the police chase you.

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Six or seven attempts at this and you're going, "I'm commuting! I'm stuck in my pants in my front room

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"on my day off and I'm in traffic! What kind of eejit am I?!"

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If I lived in Liberty City, I'd buy a flat near the guy I've to assassinate and I'd walk to work!

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Every heard of Rock Band and Guitar Hero? For those who haven't,

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you get a giant plastic guitar and you play along to music. "Whoo hoo! I'm a rock star!

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"Whoo hoo! Yeah!" Red, blue, blue, red, red, blue, blue, red, red.

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"Aaargh!" Red, red... LAUGHTER

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And you buy it because the box will name the songs on it. It said Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.

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"Oh, God! I really want to play it!" But you can't just play Sabotage by the Beastie Boys

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because it's song number 85 in the game. You have to play the preceding 84 songs to unlock Sabotage.

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You're round about the mid-40s playing Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and other shite you've never heard of

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and you're in the same front room in the same pants, going, "I am wasting my life here!"

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And the gamer is going, "No, you must unlock the content."

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I'm 38. I unlocked it in a shop with a credit card. That's when I unlocked it.

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Give me my content now! And they go, "No, it mimics the music industry.

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"You've slowly got work your way up the music industry and, song by song, you will earn the right

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"to go to the top and play the song..." Yeah. It's the music industry.

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You can always suck a little cock to get to where you want in the music industry.

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Why don't they simply put in a level where you take the top off the guitar, pop the shaft in your mouth?

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Red, blue, blue, red, red, red, red and blue, red and blue.

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There we go! Sabotage by the Beastie Boys, anyone?

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Howe many of you have ever played with the Wii? CHEERING

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That doesn't count. Right? This is a Wii game. "Oh, I'm stroking a pony!"

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That's a Wii game. "Oh, I'm feeding sugar cubes to a unicorn

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"and it's going to poo out rainbows to paint onto Mario's house." That's not gaming. This is gaming.

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"Oh, my God, I'm in a gun battle! Which of these buttons isn't Crouch?"

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Every game involves crouching! You're always crouching behind oil barrels or convenient little walls!

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You're always crouching, but the crouch button is in different places on different games!

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And you get panicked in a space marine laser battle and you're pressing any button

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and suddenly your man is just waddling around the battlefield. LAUGHTER

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Just staring up at you going, "Jesus! Press anything!

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"Not Toggle Maps!" LAUGHTER

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There's a game called Metal Gear Solid where you play Snake. Yes.

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And when Snake dies, the camera pulls cinematically up from above him and the man on Snake's comms unit goes,

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"Snake? Snake?! SNA-A-A-AKE?!"

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Every time he dies.

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When I play as Snake, he dies a lot.

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But the man's sadness seems undiminished by the regularity with which he has to mourn Snake.

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You'd think once or twice he'd go, "Ahh, Snake!"

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You'd think at some debriefing session in this espionage organisation

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they'd go, "You're very disappointed about Snake."

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"He was one of our best agents." "He was not. His behaviour in the field was erratic at best.

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"He spent most of the time waddling about the battlefield for no reason. Just waddling around.

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"He was toggling Maps, then Items, then Weapons, Items, Maps.

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"He didn't know where he was going. He had to get behind that, but couldn't.

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"He'd run at it and then try running at it again. He ran at it once and missed.

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LAUGHTER "He tried jumping at it. Then he tried touching it,

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"then jump and touch, jump, crouch and touch,

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"then he looked up, and down, then he picked up a crowbar, then he put it down. Crouch.

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"Weapons, Items, Crouch, Weapons, Items.

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"A robot attacked him, he gave him his rations! He's the worst agent we've ever had."

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Jesus Christ... LAUGHTER

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God...

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That routine. Most comedy routines have a natural finale, a punchline.

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That one just ends when the comedian gets exhausted!

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Running at an imaginary piece of video game scenery. This kills me! Look - I have injuries!

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Just because of that routine!

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And 30% of the room - I'm looking at ya -

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30% of the room... Peter Shilton, I love your work,

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David Seaman, I love your work more. Thank you very much. 1998, the double. Quality.

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But the two of you didn't have a notion of what I've been doing.

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You should have seen Shilton's face! He was like a meerkat going, "What the...?

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"Crouch? Touch? The man's an idiot!

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"Is this what passes for comedy...?! Jesus Christ!"

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I'm amazed you're still here, Peter.

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We have a fantastic show for you with two genuinely brilliant comics.

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We've had them both on Mock The Week and this first guy was in We Are Klang and The Inbetweeners.

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Ladies and gentlemen, a fabulously funny man. Please take the roof off for Greg Davies!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!

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Are you well?

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CHEERING Brilliant to be here. My name's Greg or Mr Gilbert, if it turns you on.

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CHEERS

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A couple of things you should know about me. First, I'm a very tall man.

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-6 foot 8, in case you're interested. Why would you be? It's just a height.

-Oooh!

-Thanks very much.

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The second thing you should know about me and it's kind of by way of an apology to the front row

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is that I genuinely believed when I left my house for this massively popular BBC1 show

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that this shirt still fit me.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh...

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Unbelievable. I just caught myself stretching in the dressing room...

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and I'm aware that as I get animated later on, as I surely will,

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I'll have no choice but to show the first couple of rows the beast.

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I should make it clear what I mean by the beast. My stomach, you'll be relieved to hear. Not my penis.

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I don't call my penis the beast.

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I call that surprisingly average for a man of my height. LAUGHTER

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That's its full title.

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Although I do compensate by rather hammering it in, so...

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LAUGHTER

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I don't. I'm asthmatic. Em...

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So I like to bond with my tall friends. We're a minority that's been overlooked.

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I come from a place in the Midlands, a small town in the Midlands,

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which is largely inhabited by people who find my height hilarious.

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I've been going back to visit my parents. For 30 years, I've been this height.

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And still when I walk down that street, people go, "Tall! Tall!

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"Burn him! Burn him!"

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Which is why last year I discovered the greatest city on Earth.

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Last year, I did some gigs in the city of Bangkok.

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Awesome.

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The reason I like it, ladies and gentlemen, is that in Bangkok I'm not a novelty tall man.

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In Bangkok I am a genuine fairy-tale giant.

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I'm not joking. I was walking through that city like this. "Behold...!

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"Hello, my little friends!

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"Who will talk to Gulliver?"

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It was like working in a model village. I was scooping them up in my arms. "Come on!"

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Someone told me you can get a brilliant...

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You can go for a brilliant massage in Bangkok because to the Thai people, massage is a day-to-day thing.

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So you can go and have a massage and apparently, I was told, they are...one pound!

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Forty pounds in this country, one pound in Bangkok.

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And I found out... I was walking through the streets, arrogantly.

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And quite camply, it would appear.

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Throwing pound coins out at groups of strangers. "You will rub me, you will rub me."

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Someone said, "No, there's a purpose-built massage centre.

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"You pay a pound, you go in and there's a team of them."

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So I went in, I paid a pound, a door opened and sure enough, there was a sea of elves,

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tiny little Thai women in little pink jackets. They're so lovely, the Thai people, so welcoming.

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I went, "Behold!"

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They all went like this, "Aaaah!"

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Which encouraged me. I went, "Yes! That's right, my little friends.

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"Who will touch the flesh of the giant?"

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And they all went, "Aah-aah-aah!" I went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

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I'm exaggerating a little bit.

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When I was at my peak of cockiness, these wonderful, welcoming, smiling women suddenly parted.

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As if they had planned it,

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they parted to reveal this hobbit.

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This evil hobbit.

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She clip-clopped out of the pack.

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"Clip-clop" doesn't make sense.

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She had hooves, little hooves.

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She didn't. She was normal.

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I looked at her and went, "Hello." She went like this, "Arrgh!"

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I went, "Oh!"

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She said, "I will rub you."

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And I went, "Oooh!"

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And then she took me by the hand.

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Sorry.

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LAUGHTER

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I've giving you a chance to see how badly all my clothes fit me at this stage.

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She took me into a little room and got me to lie down. She stood over me and she went, "What do you want?"

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I went..."Massage?"

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She said, "Yes...

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"What sort of massage?"

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I said, "I don't know what the options are."

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She said, "You can have normal...

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"..or you can have Thai."

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And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where I made one of the worst decisions of my entire life.

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Has anyone been for a Thai massage?

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-Yes!

-How would you describe that?

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-Ow!

-"Painful" is polite, thank you.

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I would describe it as an elf kicking the shit out of me.

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She beat the living shit out of me.

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If you get offered one for free, turn it down.

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She was punching me in the throat. I said, "I've given you a pound, you little bastard!"

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She was lying on the floor with her little knees in the air

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and she was beckoning for me to lie across her knees.

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Now, I am 20 stone in weight.

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Hard to believe.

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LAUGHTER

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I looked down at her little knees and I thought, "I can't put 20 stone on those little knees.

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"I can't put all this bulk on those tiny little knees."

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Then I remembered the massage she'd given me and I thought, "Bollocks, yes, I can!"

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I pine-treed on top of her, expecting to turn her pelvis to dust on contact.

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They call me Dusty Pelvis. What? It doesn't make sense. I've had a lot of coffee.

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She caught me, took 20 stone on her knees, then she balanced me and let go with her hands.

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This is when it gets weird. Once she had me balanced, she looked up at me and she said only these words.

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"Do you like that, you fat turd?"

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LAUGHTER

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Then she started to lower me down an inch at a time towards her face,

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insulting me all the time, "You fat pig! You fat, sweaty pig!

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"You fat...

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"You fat old man!

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"You pay me a pound for all this work. I will kill you, you pig, you bitch!"

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She called me "a bitch".

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We were nose to nose and I was thinking, "This is weird."

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Then she took me a step closer and she went, "Do you like this? Do you?"

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I thought, "There is..."

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Hello.

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We were nose to nose and I thought,

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"There is no way I am getting out of this with any dignity intact whatsoever."

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Then my whole 20 stone hit her little body and just for a second, she made this noise...

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"Arrgh!"

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Which means I won, I think you'll find.

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My point is, don't mess with me, little people. I will destroy you.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you what fun I've had. I hope you've had even 10% of it. Thank you.

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CHEERING Thanks very much. Good night.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Davies!

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The next man I'm going to introduce to you... It's a joy for me when we have him on Mock The Week.

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He's one of the finest stand-up comedians working in this country.

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Please put your hands together for Stewart Francis!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING GETS LOUDER

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SINGS ALONG TO BACKGROUND MUSIC

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That's the only bit I know.

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What a lovely introduction! You're a fantastic audience. I've got some pretty good gags.

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Shall we? SHOUTS OF "Yes!"

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All right, this comedy bus is going to Giggle Street.

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I had to say something. Last night, I went to a karaoke bar that didn't play any '70s music.

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At first, I was afraid.

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Oh, I was petrified.

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I farted in a full lift today which was wrong on so many levels.

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My dad has a weird hobby. He collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than "alcoholic", doesn't it?

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I was raised by my father. My mother left before I was born.

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I liked being raised by my father. He's schizophrenic, but he's good people.

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I remember one summer, I was five and he was Mussolini.

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I went to the park that day.

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I was standing in the park, wondering why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?

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And then it hit me.

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Growing up, I was under the impression that my dad didn't like me very much.

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He hardly ever did anything with me. He only took me fishing once.

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I remember swimming back to shore, thinking...

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"My dad doesn't like me very much."

0:23:020:23:04

We only went golfing once and I remember swimming back to shore, thinking...

0:23:040:23:09

"Golf's a lot like fishing.

0:23:110:23:13

"My dad doesn't like me very much."

0:23:130:23:16

My uncle is a hypnotist who has never inappropriately touched me.

0:23:180:23:22

So Halloween just passed. Well, it did when I wrote this joke. I hope you like it.

0:23:290:23:34

I remember the first time my father took me trick-or-treating. I remember swimming back to shore, thinking...

0:23:340:23:40

"Snoopy costumes are heavy when they're wet."

0:23:430:23:46

Because of ridiculous stereotypes, people can be so ignorant towards other nationalities.

0:23:480:23:53

I'm thin, I don't play the banjo, I don't have sex with my cousin

0:23:530:23:58

and still people assume I'm American.

0:23:580:24:00

What's that all aboot?

0:24:010:24:03

No, I'm Canadian, although I truly do feel British because both my parents are alcoholics.

0:24:070:24:12

In school, other kids used to push me and call me lazy.

0:24:150:24:18

I loved that wheelchair.

0:24:180:24:20

So what if I can't spell "Armageddon"?

0:24:230:24:26

It's not the end of the world.

0:24:260:24:29

When I was a little boy, I used to sing in the choir. All the other boys teased me. I still don't know why.

0:24:310:24:37

But one afternoon when they were teasing me, I stood up and said...

0:24:370:24:41

HIGH VOICE: # Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be

0:24:410:24:47

# The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera

0:24:470:24:51

# What will be, will be

0:24:510:24:54

# Que sera, sera-a-ah

0:24:540:24:57

# Ah-aaaaaah... #

0:24:570:25:02

They sure beat the shit out of me that afternoon.

0:25:030:25:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:060:25:09

When I was a kid, my daddy used to always hit me with a camera.

0:25:090:25:13

I still have flashbacks.

0:25:130:25:15

And a really weird photo album.

0:25:170:25:19

# Ba-doom, boom, boom Ba-doom, boom, boom

0:25:310:25:35

# Boom, boom, boom Ba-doom, ba-doom... #

0:25:350:25:38

Excuse me.

0:25:380:25:40

# Ba-doom, boom, boom, boom... #

0:25:400:25:43

Why are you holding the back of my neck while tickling my genitals?

0:25:430:25:47

# Ba-doom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom... #

0:25:480:25:52

That's a true story.

0:25:520:25:54

My fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory.

0:25:560:26:00

I forget my response.

0:26:000:26:03

Oh, my back is killing me!

0:26:050:26:08

Ladies...

0:26:080:26:10

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.

0:26:110:26:15

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:160:26:19

My girlfriend thinks I'm afraid of commitment.

0:26:240:26:27

Well, she's not my girlfriend.

0:26:270:26:29

My wife hates that joke.

0:26:310:26:33

I say "wife"...

0:26:340:26:36

My wife and I have decided we don't want children.

0:26:370:26:40

If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

0:26:400:26:44

The fat one has asthma.

0:26:470:26:49

No, we have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom.

0:26:510:26:55

In fact, Passive-Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

0:26:550:26:59

APPLAUSE

0:27:020:27:04

Should lesbians be allowed to use dildos? They made their choice.

0:27:060:27:10

I'm happily married. That's why I'm wearing my ring. Oh...

0:27:120:27:16

It must've fallen off in that hooker's ass.

0:27:160:27:20

What am I like?

0:27:210:27:23

Anybody that's married knows what I'm talking about when I say you find out about someone after you marry them.

0:27:230:27:29

My wife doesn't have a peanut allergy. It turns out she has a...

0:27:290:27:33

penis!

0:27:330:27:35

That's it. She has a penis.

0:27:350:27:37

My father was a man of few words.

0:27:430:27:45

I remember he used to say to me, "Son...

0:27:450:27:48

"Get your trunks. We're going to the library."

0:27:500:27:54

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock-climbing.

0:27:560:28:00

You should never look down.

0:28:000:28:02

Sir?

0:28:140:28:16

You guys have been amazing. Thank you very much, everyone.

0:28:160:28:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:200:28:23

Ladies and gentlemen, did you enjoy the show?

0:28:290:28:32

CHEERING

0:28:320:28:34

Give it up for all of our acts tonight.

0:28:340:28:37

Give it up for Stewart Francis!

0:28:370:28:39

And for Greg Davies. My name's Dara O Briain.

0:28:400:28:43

Thank you very much. We'll see you again. Good night!

0:28:430:28:47

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2010

0:29:050:29:09

Email [email protected]

0:29:090:29:12

Stand-up comedy from the world-famous Hammersmith Apollo. Mock the Week host Dara O Briain brings the house down, before introducing sets from Inbetweeners star Greg Davies and Canadian one-liner specialist Stewart Francis.


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