Episode 4 Live at the Apollo


Episode 4

Stand-up comedy from the world-famous Hammersmith Apollo. Scottish comic Kevin Bridges introduces sets from Shappi Khorsandi and Jack Whitehall.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Kevin Bridges!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yeah.

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-Hello.

-Hello!

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live At The Apollo!

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING

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Beautiful. It's good to be here. I'm your host for the evening.

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Don't worry. I've done this sort of thing before. I've done a few telly shows.

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When you've got a Scottish accent and you do a TV show,

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you need to use proper English and enunciate so people understand you

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but it's quite hard to find that balance sometimes,

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because there'll still be somebody from Aylesbury or Leamington Spa...

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ONE PERSON CHEERING

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..saying... LAUGHTER

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..saying, "We saw you on the television. I didn't understand anything you actually said.

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"I found your accent utterly incomprehensible.

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"Really quite a thick Scotch accent you've got.

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"I used work beside a guy who was Scotch.

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"I didn't understand anything he was saying either, yah?"

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Whereas somebody in Scotland, they're saying,

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"We seen you on the telly talking like a (BLEEP).

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"Care to explain yourself?"

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I still live in Scotland.

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I recently moved out from my parents' house. It's an exciting time when you leave home.

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It's an end of an era. It's quite sad.

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I've always had a good relationship with my mum and my dad,

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especially my dad.

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When you're a young guy,

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traditionally, your dad is your hero, right? He knows everything.

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He's your role model. You want to follow in his footsteps.

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He's a legend.

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And then you get to about 12 years old,

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you discover that your dad is a dick.

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And that normally happens on Christmas Day

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and involves building something.

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I would be sat there, working patiently away using the instruction manual provided

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when my dad would come in.

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See, my dad was of the old school

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where the use of an instruction manual

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is seen as an admission of homosexuality.

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"This can get to ... Go and get me a can of Miller and the claw hammer."

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And once you've realised your dad's a dick,

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it lays the foundations

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to build a whole new relationship with your old man,

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when you figure out how he works

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and you can kind of use that to your advantage.

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I realised by dad was a knob in 1997.

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Quite an exciting year for me because we never had Sky Plus in 1997.

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You could not pause live TV in '97. We were cavemen back then, right?

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We were Neanderthals. 1997. You had the old school Sky.

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You had three options when you were first getting Sky TV installed in 1997,

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as far as I can recall.

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You could get it via a satellite dish,

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via a cable

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or you knew a guy.

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You knew a guy who could get you a box for 40 quid.

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One of the guys that can get you anything for 40 quid.

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Doesn't matter how large or how small, 40 quid is the optimum price

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for the services of a petty criminal. 40 quid.

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He can get you a Nissan Cherry for 40 quid.

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A set of golf clubs, 40 quid.

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A pair of hair-straighteners, 40 quid.

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50 quid in cash, 40 quid.

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Cable was the more middle-class option.

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"We don't want a satellite dish on the side of our house, thank you.

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"I think it looks really quite naff, yeah?"

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Whereas the working class, the satellite dish was the key selling point.

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If you're paying £25 a month, you want your neighbours to know...

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..that you are better than them.

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Now, we had Sky through a dish. 1997.

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You could be watching old school Sky in the living room,

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watching it on the main TV

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but you could also go upstairs to the bedroom TVs,

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turn to a certain channel and watch Sky in the bedroom

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but only what the person in the living room was watching.

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I don't know the intrinsic technical explanation as to why this happened

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but it just did.

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Saturday nights, me and my dad. I'm on the couch, he's in his chair.

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My mum's in bed, my brother's out with his pals.

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Just me and the old man watching Match Of The Day.

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Watching the highlights. It gets to the kind of shite games

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and I say, "I think I'm... I think I'm going to go to bed, Dad.

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"Good night."

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And he would continue the charade. He'd say, "Oh, are you off to bed, son?

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"Good night."

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And there was that mutual father and son, we both know what the plan is here.

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I would casually exit the living room, nice and slowly. "Good night."

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Hit the hallway and race up the stairs.

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Don't even consider looking in the fridge. Eyes on the prize.

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Upstairs, bedroom, TV switched on, go to number six.

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That's where you see what he's watching. TVs are synchronised. Six. We're in. He's in control.

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A few minutes go by and he's still watching Match Of The Day.

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That's fine. He must be giving it a few minutes.

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Don't want to make it too obvious.

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He's done this before.

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Five minutes go by. He's still watching Match Of The Day.

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I'm thinking, "Come on. Stick to the plan, Andy."

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I'm looking at the bottom left of the screen,

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waiting for the numbers to get typed in.

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The numbers that could make or break the evening's entertainment.

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"Give me your numbers, Andy, come on. Nine! That's a good start. Nine.

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"I could not have hoped for a better start than a nine, there.

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"The 05, the ten-minute free view.

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"You're a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you."

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So, we've got some celebrities in, as always, at Live At The Apollo.

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Who have we got? We've got the EastEnders cast.

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How are we doing, EastEnders? WHOOPING

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Sitting right at the back.

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I don't mean the extras, I mean the real people.

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Have we got Phil Mitchell?

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No, where's he? He's up at King's Cross

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dressed up as a ladyboy, trying to raise enough money to buy a Pot Noodle, isn't he?

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There's a record amount of complaints about the Phil Mitchell crack addict thing.

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A record amount. You don't know.

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I'm speaking to Ian Beale. I'm a bit star-struck.

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I feel sorry, out of the major addictions, I feel sorry for gambling addicts.

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I feel sorry for them.

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Because at least if you're a drug addict or an alcoholic

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or a sex addict, at least you've got some good stories.

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Not like a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. How boring would that be?

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"I remember I put 20 quid on a greyhound.

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"And it finished last." Well, you know?

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Whereas a sex addiction meeting, I'd imagine that to be awesome.

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"I got to the stage where I was spending my wages on strap-ons

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"and gimp masks and...

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"WD-40."

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Sarah Beeny. Where's Sarah Beeny? She's in the house.

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How are you doing, Sarah? What stage of pregnancy are you at, Sarah?

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Sarah Beeny is always pregnant, isn't she?

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Sarah, what's your new show called? It's called...?

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-Help! My House Is Falling Down.

-Help! My House Is Falling Down.

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That's the kind of title of a show that would get me to watch it.

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I like seeing distress and carnage.

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You don't want to watch MTV Cribs,

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watching some R&B star showing you his golden snooker table and stuff.

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I want to see MTV Shitholes, that's what I want to see.

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With some guy opening the door, keeping the chain on, peaking round,

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a can of cider.

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"Oh, come in. Er, this is my toaster.

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"This is where the sink used to be."

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Sarah's got kids. I'm at that age...

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I'm at that age that some of my cousins and friends are having children.

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You're at a family gathering and there's a newborn baby

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getting passed around the room like a joint.

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And everybody's saying their piece.

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Some people have just got a natural rapport when they speak to kids.

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They can just go, "Oh, look at you! Oh! He's cheeky.

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"Are you cheeky? Yes, you're the best. Ahh!

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"Are you telling me a little story? Ahhhh."

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It's getting closer and closer to me and I'm thinking, "Wow.

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"I need to pretend I give a shit."

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The baby reaches me and I just sort of freeze up.

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I'm going, "How are you doing, mate?"

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And the baby feels the tension, starts to cry.

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Everybody looks at me as if I'm in the wrong.

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No, toughen up, you wee prick.

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We're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.

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Have we got any fat people in the audience?

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Cos people have got flawed perceptions of their actual size.

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I'll use women as an example.

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You know you get skinny girls, they think they're chubby?

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Chubby girls think they're fat. Fat girls think they're obese.

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And obese girls think they're supermodels.

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They're the happy people, the ones hanging out limousine windows

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on a Friday night, going, "Aaaagh!"

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And the driver's there going, "Can you lean in, please?

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"You're going to tip this thing."

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"I know it's Christine's hen night, but I don't have a tax disc, get in."

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We've got Olympic medallist swimmer, Sharron Davies.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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That's enough, that's enough, it was only a silver. That's enough.

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I took up swimming. I went to my local public pool.

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Not a private, fancy gym, a local pool.

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A council pool where anybody can go.

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And by that, they mean ANYBODY can go.

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I was there, public pool. I done my length.

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Then I stopped, but I made it look cool.

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You know the way you put your elbows up on the tiles?

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"Can't wait to go and grab a smoothie."

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If you've got a bit of a waist, you need to shop in cheap clothes shops.

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If you walk in somewhere trendy, like somewhere like River Island

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or Top Shop, somewhere like that, and some boy band freak show

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comes bouncing across to serve. You know the people who work in these places,

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they don't walk, they bounce. "Hey, man, yeah..."

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All that energy and enthusiasm that oozes from people

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who have never been punched in the face.

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You ask this guy, I said, "Excuse me, mate, can I try on these jeans

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"in a 36" waist?"

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And the guy's enthusiasm just drained.

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He looked at me. You know that way you'd look at somebody

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if they'd just took a shite in your kettle?

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Primark, they've started selling Che Guevara T-shirts.

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That's a fitting testament to the man's legacy, isn't it? Che Guevara.

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He fought for the poor and oppressed in South America.

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Now his face has been stitched onto T-shirts

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by the poor and oppressed in Southeast Asia...

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..to be worn by the poor and oppressed in Southeast London.

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That's where I stay when I come to London - Southeast London.

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Dulwich sort of area. There's a lot of knife crime, a lot of crime.

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I don't really know the solutions to that particular problem.

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I think a start would be to maybe close the shops

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that sell the weapons in the first place.

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These High Street shops that sell crossbows to guys in shell suits,

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you know these places?

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Shops that sell thousands of baseball bats every year,

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but have never sold any baseballs.

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"The Peckham Rye Red Sox have not had a game in a while."

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I was in one of these places, did a bit of research

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and the only security measure, if you want to buy a violent weapon,

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is you need to fill in a form, leaving your name and address

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so if anything happens, you can be traced for questioning.

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That's the theory. But what self-respecting nutcase

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buying a weapon would leave their real name and address?

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I picture some police investigation team going through the book

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and saying, "Excuse me, shop owner, says here you sold a samurai sword

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"to Bert and Ernie...

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"..from 24 Sesame Street."

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Some new-guy cop would get sent on a wild-goose chase somewhere.

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Sesame Street not showing up on the sat-nav.

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Putting down the window for directions.

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"Excuse me, mate. Excuse me.

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"Can you tell me..."

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LAUGHTER

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"..how to get...how to get to...

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"That's a wind-up, isn't it?"

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Give me a cheer if you're in the mood for a top night of live comedy.

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CHEERING

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We've got two top-drawer comedians selected from the UK circuit.

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Two cracking comics.

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We're going to kick off... We're going to welcome to the stage

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a woman who you may have seen on Live At The Apollo before.

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She's also been on Have I Got News For You and loads of other shows.

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She's outstanding. Give it up for the hilarious Shappi Khorsandi.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello!

-Hello!

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Ah, that's a nice welcome. All right, London?

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WHOOPING

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It's nice to be back here at the Apollo.

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I did the show last series

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and after it was on TV, people kept Twittering me.

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If you are on Twitter, do twat me.

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I talked, last time, a lot about being Iranian

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and people Twittered me going, "Are you really Iranian?"

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I go, "No, I just say that to be more popular."

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That's all right. My career's going OK.

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Everything's going fine.

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It's at a point now, for me, where people come up to me in the street

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and go, "Excuse me. Are you Omid Djalili?"

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I never really wanted to be a stand-up.

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I wanted to be a doctor. My parents pushed me into stand-up comedy.

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My big dream in life was to be an actress

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but with the way I look, the only job I'd get

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was to be someone's cousin off EastEnders.

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All right, Ian?

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Sit coms, that's what I dreamed of doing when I was a kid.

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I wanted to be an actress in a sit com and in 2003, that dream almost came true

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when I got a part in a sit-com pilot

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and I was so excited and it went to series

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and I was playing an Iraqi nanny.

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And it went to series. I was like, "This is brilliant. This is my big break."

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And then we attacked Iraq.

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The producers decided it was no longer appropriate

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to have an Iraqi nanny in a British sit com and they got rid of me.

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AUDIENCE AHS

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Now, I know that there were probably better reasons

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to have been against the war...

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LAUGHTER

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..but as I marched, ladies and gentlemen,

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I knew there had been some personal cost to me.

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I did Question Time this year and what was brilliant about that

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was realising that David Dimbleby is as obsessed as I am

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with political correctness.

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He took a question from the floor

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and he went, "Gentleman there in the blue." Ten hands stay up.

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He goes, "No, gentleman in the blue with the eyes,

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"the eyes set in a face on top of a neck

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"on, I believe, some shoulders."

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"Just say it, David, say it. The man in a turban, the man in a turban

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"with the beard down to his ankles, wearing ceremonial robes,

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"holding a sword.

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"The warrior has a question, David. Say it!"

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So, it's been a big year for everyone.

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It's been a big year for me. I separated from my husband.

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That's an awkward thing to tell people.

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My parents don't know yet. They don't follow me.

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They don't follow me on Twitter.

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My husband and I fought so hard for our marriage.

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We had a lot to fight for, mostly the house.

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And we went... We went to marriage counsellors

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and our counsellor didn't fill me with confidence.

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She had a picture of her own family on her desk with her husband's head crudely cut out.

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So we separated and we divided our stuff equally.

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I got half the house and the car and he got the other half in my dreams.

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But I'm going to tell you...

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We met at a comedy club. He's a comedian, too. You won't have heard of him.

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And we...

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Forgive me.

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He was brilliant. When he met my parents, he was so thoughtful, my husband

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because he learnt all about their culture

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by reading the Lonely Planet Guide to Iran.

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Which just meant that he peppered the conversation with random facts.

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"I hear the ancient ruins of Persepolis are a must-see,

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"but the wheelchair access is poor."

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It was the equivalent of me going to his parents' house

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in Nottingham dressed as Robin Hood.

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"The Merry Men and I are in deep trouble,

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"can we hide in your rhododendrons?"

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So we got married quite soon after we met.

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We didn't have a traditional wedding

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cos my dad's not a traditional man.

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He wouldn't walk me down the aisle.

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My father wouldn't walk me down the aisle.

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Cos he's a feminist.

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Well, he reckons he's a feminist,

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the rest of us think he's just got a passing resemblance to Germaine Greer.

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And he said, "What, I walk you down the aisle like you are property?

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IN AFRICAN ACCENT: "Like you are chattel, I give you away..."

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He's not Nigerian!

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That's the real reason I'm not an actor.

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So my husband and I had a little boy. That was lovely.

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We named him Charlie after Charlie Chaplin, one of my heroes,

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who famously said, "All I need to make comedy

0:21:530:21:55

"is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl."

0:21:550:21:58

Of course, today we'd call that dogging.

0:21:580:22:00

One of my ex-husband's friends is a bit of a geezer. A real lad.

0:22:020:22:06

He loves his football. And he said to me,

0:22:060:22:08

"Why do women always go on about the birth?

0:22:080:22:11

"Why do we need to know the gory details?" And I said,

0:22:110:22:14

"It's because it's a major trauma that we go through

0:22:140:22:16

"and we need to talk about it as part of the healing process."

0:22:160:22:20

To make him understand, I said, "Look, it's like

0:22:200:22:22

"if your team was in a major cup final and lost to penalties

0:22:220:22:28

"and then someone attacked your genitals with an axe...

0:22:280:22:32

"..you would need to talk about it."

0:22:330:22:36

We had to have separate birthday parties for my son this year

0:22:380:22:43

and I got really competitive.

0:22:430:22:44

My party is going to be the one that our kid remembers.

0:22:440:22:47

It's going to be spectacular.

0:22:470:22:50

I even thought about hiring a pair of dancing chimps...

0:22:500:22:54

but do you have any idea how much it costs to hire Jedward for half an hour?

0:22:540:22:59

APPLAUSE

0:22:590:23:03

I want to have another baby. I really want another baby.

0:23:060:23:09

I am so broody at the moment. Hi, sir!

0:23:090:23:12

I am so broody.

0:23:120:23:14

My best friend's pregnant, heavily pregnant.

0:23:140:23:17

She says, "Do you want to feel it kick?"

0:23:170:23:19

I'm like, "No, do you?"

0:23:190:23:21

I am just so worried,

0:23:210:23:23

because I'm well into my 30s.

0:23:230:23:25

I haven't got the time to meet someone new, see if we're compatible,

0:23:250:23:29

if we're going to start a family together. I just meet men

0:23:290:23:32

and go, "Are you single, have you got a history of heart disease?

0:23:320:23:35

"Then let's go, go, go!"

0:23:350:23:36

Some of you are looking a little bit worried.

0:23:380:23:40

I'm only kidding.

0:23:400:23:42

I don't care if you're single!

0:23:420:23:44

There's another very personal reason I have for wanting another child

0:23:480:23:51

and that's cos I want to breast-feed in public again.

0:23:510:23:54

That really freaks people out in this country.

0:23:540:23:57

Especially if you haven't got your baby with you.

0:23:570:24:00

I was discreetly breast-feeding my child in the supermarket

0:24:030:24:09

and the staff came along and erected screens around me

0:24:090:24:12

to give me privacy.

0:24:120:24:14

I'm like, "I'm feeding my child, I'm not tossing off a dog."

0:24:140:24:18

They've got policies for that, obviously.

0:24:200:24:23

I've got a little sister.

0:24:230:24:26

She's 15 years younger than me. When she was 17,

0:24:260:24:30

her best mate Charlotte had a baby.

0:24:300:24:32

You have to say Char-lotte, like that, otherwise she hits you.

0:24:320:24:35

I went round to see the baby, beautiful little girl,

0:24:350:24:38

and I said, "What have you called her?"

0:24:380:24:40

She goes, "Nokia."

0:24:400:24:41

I said, "Does that name have a particular significance for you?"

0:24:410:24:45

She goes, "Yeah, I was on the phone when I was conceiving, right?"

0:24:450:24:48

That's very different to my generation.

0:24:480:24:52

If I'd been on the phone, conceiving at 17,

0:24:520:24:56

it would've meant I'm in my parents' house, in the hallway at the telephone table.

0:24:560:25:00

People under 25 are going, "What's a telephone table?"

0:25:010:25:05

You'll never know our pain.

0:25:060:25:07

People now, if someone they fancy says they might call them,

0:25:090:25:12

they can get on with their lives cos they've got mobile phones in their pockets.

0:25:120:25:15

We had to stay in all summer holiday, staring at the phone.

0:25:150:25:20

Rocking backwards and forwards.

0:25:200:25:22

And you couldn't leave your post cos if it rang and your mum got it,

0:25:220:25:25

it'll be awful, cos the most embarrassing thing in the world

0:25:250:25:28

is if anyone finds out at 15 that you've got a mum.

0:25:280:25:31

I love a mum.

0:25:320:25:34

I love a good mum. Mums always give their daughters in particular

0:25:340:25:37

that beautiful, unique gift of low self-esteem.

0:25:370:25:40

All the while I was growing up, my mum would say to me,

0:25:400:25:44

"Oh, Shappi, the women in our family are so beautiful.

0:25:440:25:46

"You look like your father."

0:25:460:25:49

So I decided that it's time that I get back into the dating game

0:25:510:25:56

and it's quite difficult because this is the first time I've been single since I was 22.

0:25:560:26:01

Not the same guy - loads of overlaps.

0:26:010:26:04

And it's so simple. When you're 22 and you want to pull,

0:26:040:26:07

you just get drunk and fall on someone.

0:26:070:26:09

That's really frowned upon at my age.

0:26:090:26:12

Especially in playgroup.

0:26:140:26:16

But if I'm going to do it, I'm going to go out and do it.

0:26:170:26:20

So I got my old pulling outfit, you know,

0:26:200:26:22

and I went out I threw some shapes.

0:26:220:26:24

Do you know, whatever people say,

0:26:240:26:26

supermarkets are not the best place to pull?

0:26:260:26:29

I was in the supermarket and this guy, I was with my little boy,

0:26:290:26:33

and he was in the fold-down seat of the trolley.

0:26:330:26:36

And this guy said to me, "Oh, is that your child?"

0:26:360:26:39

And he was really fit, so I went, "Oh, no, he just came free with three bottles of wine."

0:26:390:26:43

Which is kind of true.

0:26:430:26:46

I tried internet dating but I didn't like it.

0:26:500:26:52

Someone messaged me and went, "Your name's a bit ambiguous,

0:26:520:26:55

"are you a man or a woman?"

0:26:550:26:58

It had my picture on it.

0:26:590:27:01

I don't tell men immediately that I have a child.

0:27:030:27:05

I went on a date with a guy and I opened up my bag

0:27:050:27:08

and he saw that I had nappies and wipes in my bag

0:27:080:27:10

and he went, "Oh, great, you're into that, too."

0:27:100:27:13

I had dinner with a guy and I gave the game away.

0:27:150:27:18

He had sauce on his chin and I spat on a napkin and wiped it for him.

0:27:180:27:22

And later on, he flirted with me

0:27:220:27:25

by feeding me bits of his food from his fork

0:27:250:27:27

and I thought, "I remember that," so I did the same to him

0:27:270:27:30

but I ruined it by going, "Here it comes! Nwaaaaaah!"

0:27:300:27:35

There was this guy that I did really like,

0:27:370:27:39

so I thought, "I'm going to bring him home." Exciting.

0:27:390:27:43

So I cleared all of my kid's toys out of the living room,

0:27:430:27:47

just to make it a little bit more romantic.

0:27:470:27:49

And he came back... I feel quite intimate, telling you this,

0:27:490:27:52

but I'm going to tell you.

0:27:520:27:54

I was being ravished.

0:27:540:27:55

I was being ravished to the point of no return

0:27:550:27:59

and someone's knee went in the wrong place

0:27:590:28:01

and we heard this, "To infinity and beyond!"

0:28:010:28:06

Thing is...

0:28:090:28:11

my son doesn't have a Buzz Lightyear toy.

0:28:110:28:16

It had been a while.

0:28:160:28:18

That sound came from me.

0:28:240:28:26

Listen, you've been such a lovely, lovely audience

0:28:310:28:33

and I just want to end by telling you another cute little thing

0:28:330:28:37

that my kid said to me recently.

0:28:370:28:40

I was having a bath with my three-year-old son

0:28:400:28:43

and he said to me, "Mummy, where's your willy?"

0:28:430:28:46

Cute. I said, "Mummy hasn't got a willy.

0:28:480:28:51

"She's got more balls than Daddy, though."

0:28:510:28:54

APPLAUSE

0:28:540:28:56

Let's hear it for Shappi Khorsandi. CHEERING

0:29:070:29:11

I'm now going to introduce a young guy. This is his Live At The Apollo debut.

0:29:130:29:19

You'll have seen him on loads of TV shows. He's a comedy buddy of mine.

0:29:190:29:22

You're going to love him.

0:29:220:29:24

It's the hilarious, the wonderful Jack Whitehall.

0:29:240:29:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:270:29:29

Hello, Hammersmith Apollo!

0:29:380:29:40

Good evening.

0:29:400:29:42

So I'm Jack. I live in London, quite locally.

0:29:420:29:47

I'm quite posh, as probably most of you will have already gauged.

0:29:470:29:51

I don't want any shit for it, though.

0:29:520:29:54

I do get stick for being posh

0:29:540:29:56

but you know, it's like I always say,

0:29:560:29:57

sticks and stones may break my bones

0:29:570:30:01

but, whatever, I'm with BUPA. Erm...

0:30:010:30:05

I am posh. I'm not right wing, not prejudiced.

0:30:090:30:13

Not homophobic.

0:30:130:30:14

Well, I guess I'm homophobic

0:30:140:30:17

in the same sense that I'm arachnophobic.

0:30:170:30:20

I'm not scared of spiders, I'm not scared of gays,

0:30:200:30:23

though I would probably scream if I saw one in my bath.

0:30:230:30:26

APPLAUSE

0:30:260:30:29

I'm young, I'm not like one of the... A regular youth, I guess.

0:30:350:30:39

People are afraid of young people now.

0:30:390:30:42

I'm afraid of young people, as well.

0:30:420:30:44

I forget what I'm meant to be afraid of

0:30:440:30:46

cos it seems to change with young people. If you read the tabloids,

0:30:460:30:49

one minute you get, "Young people, knife crime and gun crime,

0:30:490:30:53

hoodies, ASBOs," all of that stuff.

0:30:530:30:56

Next minute, they're all fat, overweight, the obesity epidemic.

0:30:560:31:00

And I'm confused.

0:31:000:31:02

I don't know what I'm meant to be scared of any more.

0:31:020:31:04

I'm worried to walk down the street unless I'm attacked

0:31:040:31:07

by a fat kid with a knife...

0:31:070:31:09

and a fork.

0:31:090:31:10

I want to stay fit. I want to be good at fitness and health.

0:31:170:31:20

I want to be healthy but I've never been good at it.

0:31:200:31:23

Even when I was at school, I hated PE. I hated PE so much at school.

0:31:230:31:26

Mainly because of my PE teacher. He was a complete arsehole.

0:31:260:31:30

His name was Mr Walton. He was from South Africa.

0:31:300:31:34

And he was a lumbering hulk of protein shake and unresolved childhood issues,

0:31:340:31:39

which he took out on me every week.

0:31:390:31:42

He was horrible to me. He humiliated me every lesson, right?

0:31:420:31:46

And I remember one class, he tried to get us to do a bleep test,

0:31:460:31:50

which I refused to do because we weren't living in Nazi Germany,

0:31:500:31:54

ironically an environment in which he would have thrived

0:31:540:31:57

and he was shouting at me and pushing me, trying to humiliate me

0:31:570:32:01

and I'm quite a sensitive soul, I couldn't hack it.

0:32:010:32:03

Eventually, I flipped.

0:32:030:32:05

He was like, "Go on, Jack. Push yourself now!

0:32:050:32:07

"Embrace the burn! Look at my body, Jack.

0:32:070:32:11

"How do you think I got to where I am today?"

0:32:110:32:14

"I don't know. Oppressing black people?"

0:32:140:32:17

He thought he was a motivator. He thought he was inspirational to the children.

0:32:200:32:25

It wasn't. It was psychotic.

0:32:250:32:26

And it never made any sense, as well.

0:32:260:32:29

Once, we were playing basketball and in the middle of the game

0:32:290:32:32

he blew his whistle and shouted at me,

0:32:320:32:35

"The problem with you, Jack, is you're all fart and no poo.

0:32:350:32:38

"When I fart, I follow through and sometimes there's blood."

0:32:380:32:42

I tried at school, I just could never do very well.

0:32:490:32:52

But I always think if you weren't very good at school,

0:32:520:32:55

there's always one thing that everyone that wasn't good at school could hold onto

0:32:550:32:59

and that is that every school, all over the world, in every class,

0:32:590:33:04

there was always that person that was better than everyone else.

0:33:040:33:08

That got into all the sports teams, that was in the school play,

0:33:080:33:11

that had a girlfriend. Mr Perfect.

0:33:110:33:13

You can hold onto the fact that, yeah, they were Mr Perfect at school

0:33:130:33:17

and everyone resented them and they were so great

0:33:170:33:20

but in later life, Mr Perfect will have made his mistakes.

0:33:200:33:25

He will have screwed things up

0:33:250:33:26

and now, with Facebook, you can find the bastard.

0:33:260:33:31

You can hunt him down and look at his photographs

0:33:310:33:34

and realise, "You were Mr Perfect at school

0:33:340:33:36

"but now someone's put on a bit of weight, someone's lost his job

0:33:360:33:39

"and they're sleeping in their car,

0:33:390:33:41

"so screw you, Robbie Westlake!"

0:33:410:33:44

And it's not just them.

0:33:440:33:45

You can also find people who didn't want to have sex with you at school,

0:33:450:33:49

that rejected you at school, and you can find them on Facebook

0:33:490:33:53

and you can hunt them down and look at their photographs

0:33:530:33:56

and do what us perverts like to refer to

0:33:560:33:58

as The Revenge Wank.

0:33:580:33:59

"Yeah! Didn't want to have sex with me at school?

0:33:590:34:02

"How do you like it now, Robbie Westlake?"

0:34:020:34:05

The sad thing is, right, I'm the only person that can't do this.

0:34:140:34:18

I can't hold onto the fact that the person I resented has failed

0:34:180:34:22

because I used to sit next to Mr Perfect in my class.

0:34:220:34:25

I used to have to sit next to him every class,

0:34:250:34:27

every single term time.

0:34:270:34:29

My school, down the road in Sheen, in London.

0:34:290:34:31

And at my school, Mr Perfect's name was Robert Pattinson.

0:34:310:34:38

The star of the internationally acclaimed movies, Twilight,

0:34:380:34:42

who earns hundreds of millions of dollars a year,

0:34:420:34:45

has been voted the sexiest man alive in every magazine there is.

0:34:450:34:50

Not every magazine. Top Gear didn't do the poll but he's really popular.

0:34:510:34:55

And I hate it because all I can think of

0:34:550:34:58

is the knobhead I had to sit next to at school.

0:34:580:35:01

Now I see him on the news at all these movie premieres.

0:35:010:35:04

He turns up and there's all of his screaming, adoring fans.

0:35:040:35:08

The girls that have camped out overnight just so they can get a glimpse of his stupid face.

0:35:080:35:13

And they've got his stupid face on their T-shirts

0:35:130:35:15

and it's on their banners,

0:35:150:35:17

these girls that are waiting to see their hero.

0:35:170:35:19

Do you know what they chant at his premieres, Robert Pattinson fans?

0:35:190:35:23

They chant, "Bite me, Robert, bite me, bite me! Bite me, vampire!"

0:35:230:35:27

I hope he does bite one of them one day

0:35:270:35:29

and the one that he bites has hepatitis.

0:35:290:35:32

I hate him!

0:35:320:35:34

He stole my dreams.

0:35:340:35:38

For those of you who don't know him, he's in these Twilight films,

0:35:380:35:41

where he plays a vampire.

0:35:410:35:43

But not a fun vampire like Christopher Lee with the cape.

0:35:430:35:47

No, in Twilight, Robert Pattinson plays a vampire

0:35:470:35:50

who looks more like one of Jedward

0:35:500:35:51

that has just been diagnosed with acute pancreatitis

0:35:510:35:55

and is trying to work out what the pancreas is.

0:35:550:35:58

He's everywhere. Everywhere I look. He's in films.

0:35:580:36:01

He's in the Harry Potter film. I went to see that film four times.

0:36:010:36:05

Every time, I was the only one laughing when his character died.

0:36:050:36:08

I'll come clean with you, though.

0:36:150:36:17

The main reason I have an issue with Robert Pattinson in Twilight

0:36:170:36:20

is that when I was at school, I wasn't good at sport, I wasn't academic.

0:36:200:36:24

I thought, "If I'm rubbish at everything, I'll have to do drama. That's what you do if you're shit."

0:36:240:36:30

Some drama students in. Awkward laughs.

0:36:300:36:33

What are they going to do?

0:36:330:36:34

"Look at me, Jack. I'm making an angry tree."

0:36:340:36:37

Piss off.

0:36:370:36:38

APPLAUSE

0:36:400:36:41

But I thought, "I'm going to do drama. I'm going to audition for every play the school puts on."

0:36:430:36:48

And every single play that I went in to audition for at my school

0:36:480:36:52

and I learnt all of my lines, I went in and gave it my all

0:36:520:36:56

and every single play that I auditioned for,

0:36:560:36:59

Robert Pattinson got cast in the lead role.

0:36:590:37:02

And I got cast as Villager Six,

0:37:020:37:05

the twat that used to have to stand at the corner of the stage

0:37:050:37:08

and do nothing for an hour and a half,

0:37:080:37:11

whilst his parents looked on ashamed.

0:37:110:37:13

That's not to say I didn't throw myself into these roles.

0:37:130:37:16

When I was playing Villager Six, I would give it my all.

0:37:160:37:19

The teacher would be like, "Jack, at the end of the scene, Robert's doing his speech,

0:37:190:37:24

"just walk very quietly from that side of the stage to this side of the stage

0:37:240:37:29

"and exit quietly without making a fuss."

0:37:290:37:32

I was like, "Oh, my God, sir, you are a fool."

0:37:320:37:35

"When Jack Whitehall is on stage, he does not walk, he glides."

0:37:350:37:39

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

0:37:410:37:43

The other one I'd have to do, and this happened on several occasions,

0:37:520:37:56

the school were forced to write parts into plays

0:37:560:37:58

so my parents wouldn't complain to the headmaster.

0:37:580:38:02

Do you realise how humiliating that is?

0:38:020:38:04

When you're stood with all of your friends and peers in front of a cast list

0:38:040:38:08

and, yeah, my name's on it

0:38:080:38:10

but everyone knows there is no emu in the manger.

0:38:100:38:13

I look like a dick.

0:38:130:38:15

But the worst thing about it and it still cuts me up

0:38:150:38:19

and I cannot get over it

0:38:190:38:20

is the one very simple and plain fact

0:38:200:38:22

and that is, Robert Pattinson is not a good actor.

0:38:220:38:26

He wasn't a good actor at school, he's not a good actor now.

0:38:260:38:29

-CHEERING

-I've been to see him in these Twilight films several times

0:38:290:38:34

and every time I watch him on the screen through my tears,

0:38:340:38:38

I'm astounded by how big a crock of shit he is.

0:38:380:38:41

All the guy does is mope around, giving this one, same surly look

0:38:410:38:46

and that's a look that he stole off me when...

0:38:460:38:48

HE RANTS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

0:38:480:38:50

APPLAUSE

0:38:530:38:54

CHEERING

0:38:540:38:56

But I'm not bitter. I'm very happy.

0:39:060:39:08

And basically, all I've ever wanted to do is make my parents proud,

0:39:110:39:14

especially my mum. My mum, she's very proud of her children,

0:39:140:39:17

but she's also very openly proud of her children.

0:39:170:39:20

She loves doing that thing all mums like doing -

0:39:200:39:22

going to do the weekly shop at the local supermarket

0:39:220:39:25

and when she's there, look around for other local mothers in the area.

0:39:250:39:29

Then they go over, start to have a chat, banter about whatever -

0:39:290:39:32

silly nonsense. And then, slowly but surely,

0:39:320:39:35

that banter will segue into a little exchange

0:39:350:39:38

where they start showing off about their children.

0:39:380:39:40

Back and forth, back and forth.

0:39:400:39:42

And what it becomes is essentially, in the supermarket,

0:39:420:39:45

a little supermarket game of Top Trumps with your kids.

0:39:450:39:48

My mum is amazing at playing child Top Trumps

0:39:490:39:52

cos when she plays against other mothers,

0:39:520:39:54

my mum thinks outside the box.

0:39:540:39:56

She uses categories that you didn't even know existed.

0:39:560:40:00

And she can win any exchange with any mother,

0:40:000:40:03

even when she's showing off about my little brother Barnaby,

0:40:030:40:06

who by far and away is her dud card.

0:40:060:40:09

He is. You know how every set of siblings has the one who's shit?

0:40:100:40:15

You're thinking, "Ours doesn't."

0:40:150:40:17

It's you! I see my mum do it, right?

0:40:170:40:20

She'll scour round Sainsbury's looking for the mother

0:40:200:40:23

she wants to have the exchange with. Hunting down her prey.

0:40:230:40:26

When she finds the mother, she'll ram the trolley in front of her

0:40:260:40:29

and start the game. "Hello, Jane, how's Joe?"

0:40:290:40:32

"Joe's doing very well, Hilary, he's bought a new house,

0:40:320:40:35

"he's moving into it with his girlfriend and he has a new job,

0:40:350:40:38

"earning a lot of money. How's your son? I forget his name, oh, yes, Barnaby."

0:40:380:40:42

"Barnaby's fine. How big are Joe's feet?"

0:40:420:40:44

"I beg your pardon?"

0:40:440:40:46

"You heard me, bitch." "I think he's only a size 8."

0:40:460:40:50

"Ooh, only size 8? Barnaby is size 13."

0:40:500:40:54

Ooh, didn't my mum just hit you with the my-son's-got-a-bigger-dick card?

0:40:540:40:59

I think she did.

0:40:590:41:02

It's a low blow but she'll take the round. Walk on, bitch.

0:41:020:41:06

Mothers were terrified of my mum.

0:41:080:41:11

They would cower, try and avoid eye contact with her.

0:41:110:41:13

My mother was very much the sheriff in that town.

0:41:130:41:16

But then, ladies and gentlemen, approximately five months ago,

0:41:160:41:20

someone else started shopping in our local Sainsbury's.

0:41:200:41:24

Someone that had come into a little bit of money recently

0:41:240:41:27

and all of a sudden there was a new sheriff in town.

0:41:270:41:29

And that sheriff's name was a Mrs Clare Pattinson.

0:41:290:41:35

His mum started shopping in our supermarket.

0:41:360:41:39

And that woman was unbeatable at child Top Trumps.

0:41:390:41:43

My mum wouldn't know what to do. She'd try and hide,

0:41:430:41:46

but Clare would always catch up with her.

0:41:460:41:48

She'd ram the trolley in front and start the exchange. "How's Jack?"

0:41:480:41:52

"Jack's fine, how's Robert?"

0:41:520:41:54

"Robert's doing very well."

0:41:540:41:56

"How big are Robert's feet?"

0:41:560:41:58

"Robert's feet? I think he's only a small size 7."

0:41:580:42:01

"Are they only size 7? Jack is size..."

0:42:010:42:04

"Obviously that's size 7 in the UK, he doesn't live here,

0:42:040:42:07

"he lives in LA where I think he's a size 44.

0:42:070:42:09

"But he doesn't buy shoes for himself, the studio buy them for him

0:42:090:42:13

"cos he's earned them so much money in films like Twilight,

0:42:130:42:16

"which grossed 395m in its opening weekend. What's Jack doing?

0:42:160:42:19

"A gig in Sunderland? How quaint."

0:42:190:42:21

My poor mum was destroyed, she didn't know what to do.

0:42:230:42:28

The only way my mum could see fit to deal with the situation

0:42:280:42:31

was to swap supermarkets.

0:42:310:42:32

Robert Pattinson is not only ruining my life,

0:42:320:42:35

he's affecting my diet. It's all right for Clare Pattinson

0:42:350:42:38

just waltzing down the aisles of Sainsbury's,

0:42:380:42:40

buying herself only the finest organic range -

0:42:400:42:43

couscous and quails.

0:42:430:42:44

Meanwhile my mother is self-harming in Lidl.

0:42:440:42:48

Ah, you guys have been absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much.

0:42:520:42:55

-I've been Jack Whitehall. Good night.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:550:43:00

Let's hear it for Jack Whitehall.

0:43:070:43:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:100:43:13

You've been watching Live At The Apollo. Give it up for Shappi Khorsandi.

0:43:150:43:18

CHEERING

0:43:180:43:21

And give it up for Jack Whitehall. CHEERING

0:43:230:43:25

I'm Kevin Bridges. Thanks for watching.

0:43:270:43:29

Good night, God bless.

0:43:290:43:31

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:500:43:52

E-mail [email protected]

0:43:520:43:55

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