Episode 5 Live at the Apollo


Episode 5

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live At The Apollo!

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Oh, yes, were going to have a good time tonight.

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Thank you very much for coming out.

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Looking around the audience, who do we have in this evening?

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Mr Colin Jackson. In the house!

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Yeah, Olympic and world superstar.

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Hurdler, yeah?

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But I notice also, a slightly high voice.

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Is that one of the hazards of hurdling?

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Welcome, Colin. Nice to have you here.

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Oh, the lovely Esther Rantzen is here.

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-Hello, Miss Esther, how are you?

-I'm good, thanks.

-Very nice to have you here.

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Unfortunately, if you don't like this show there is not any complaining procedure.

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Sorry, but that's...life.

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Welcome, welcome.

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Before we start, I want to tell you a little bit about myself.

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I come from quite a big family.

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There are eight kids in the family. Now, what can I tell you about that?

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Well, my dad loved the Jackson Five.

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And, quite clearly, sex.

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Very, very tough existence.

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I remember as a young kid saying to my dad,

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"Dad, dad, with so many kids in the family there's not enough money.

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"Can I have some pocket money?"

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My dad would look at me and go, "Shut up, bastard!

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"Your pocket is for your hand."

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That's not the sort of thing you tell a teenage boy with holes in his pocket.

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I'd say to my dad, "Dad, what does the future hold?"

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He'd sit me down and go, "One day, son,

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"people will hang televisions

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"off their walls as though they were pictures."

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I'd be like, "Dad, what's a picture?"

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I'd say to my mum, "Mum, all the other kids are playing outside.

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"Can I play outside?" My mum would go, "Shut up, bastard!

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"Go upstairs and read a book." We had one book. The phone book.

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I read it.

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Wasn't a great read. I don't want to spoil it for you.

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Lots of characters. And at the end, a lot of Polish people turn up.

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Parents are very, very strange. Even little things.

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If we, as a family, played Monopoly, right, and I landed on jail, my dad would make me

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stand in the cupboard under the stairs to add a bit of realism.

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I remember when I got one of those Community Chest cards.

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It said, "You've been caught speeding. £60 fine."

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My dad looked at me and went, "Go upstairs to your bedroom and think about what you have done."

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My dad has mellowed later on in life.

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My dad is now 75 years old and we are getting on. We are getting on.

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But a couple of things about him I've now noticed,

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as he's gotten older,

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the level and volume of his sneezing has increased exponentially.

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And I don't know if you know this, but a sneeze is one-eighth of an orgasm.

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So when I hear my dad sneezing now,

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I just think, "He's never had it so good!"

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It's really hard to get him out of the house.

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I'm like, "Dad, dad, let's go to the pub.

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"What do you think?"

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He'd go, "No, I'm going to have a quiet evening in with the pepper pot."

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Being a child from a big family,

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I had loads of brothers and sisters.

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Anyone here who's got an older brother,

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you'll know that you believed EVERYTHING your older brother said.

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He was my God. My older brother told me stuff that I believed.

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My older brother once told me that people on TV could see you as well.

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It was so embarrassing. I could never, ever watch Baywatch again.

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Yes, David Hasselhoff knew too much.

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And also he'd say things like,

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"You know, the milkman has got his own special udder.

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"You should go and pull it."

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I pulled it. Social services were called.

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And we never saw the milkman again.

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Very, very tough existence.

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But, at school, you want to fit in and I was very, very paranoid

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cos at school I had really big feet, massive feet.

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So, for three years, as a kid at school,

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I wore shoes three sizes too small.

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Would you believe it, later on in life, I've got a crooked cock.

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Some of you now are trying to process that! "How did he walk?"

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But also at school, I wanted a teacher...

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Do we have any teachers here this evening? Any teachers?

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SHOUTS AND CHEERS

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Yes, what age group do you teach?

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Secondary? Respect to you.

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Respect.

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-What subject?

-Maths.

-So you do maths, and you?

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Science. Respect.

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I asked that same question at a show yesterday, lady at the front went, "Yeah, I do primary."

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I went, "Listen, love, you're not a teacher. You're a helper.

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"Let me guess, what subject do you teach?"

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"Everything."

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I wanted a teacher at school who was inspiring.

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A teacher like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.

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Instead, I got a teacher like Robin Williams in a Mrs Doubtfire.

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We weren't even allowed to go on any school trips. Anybody go on school trips?

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Yeah, where did you go, sir?

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-The beach.

-The beach?!

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That really doesn't help me at all. "Beach!

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"We go trip beach!"

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-Where are you from, sir?

-Kent.

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Kent. OK, beach.

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I shouldn't disparage. I digress.

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I once went on a family holiday many years ago.

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Obviously, as I said, there were so many kids in the family

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that the only memory of family holidays

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is the smell of petrol, right?

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With all us kids in the car, my dad would put me and my sister in the boot.

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Yeah? After four hours in the boot, I'd go, "Dad, dad, can you guess where we are yet?"

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And he'd go, "Shut up, bastard!

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"We're on the motorway and if you are talking, you're not hiding."

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-It was a family holiday in Margate, back in the old days.

-CHEERING

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Oh, please, don't cheer Margate. I haven't finished.

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I'm talking the late '70s, right?

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All the family traipsed down there, arrived in Margate,

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miserable weather, horrible food, rainy, windy.

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We walked along the beachfront and this random bloke comes up to us and goes, "Oi, you lot!

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"Why don't you go back to where you came from?"

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And I was like,

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"Don't you think I've asked myself the very same question?"

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But then fast forward to this year

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and I've had two holidays already. Two holidays.

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I went to America. Mmm, boom!

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Yes, but I don't know if you know this, folks, but in America

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there is no point of reference for a black British person, right?

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I was in a cafe in America. I said, "I'd like a cappuccino, please."

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The guy behind the desk went,

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"Oh, my God!

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"It's Jeffrey from the Fresh Prince!"

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Don't applaud that.

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I look nothing like him!

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In fact, a friend said to me that I look like a black Alan Sugar.

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No, say it ain't so!

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One of the reasons I went to America is because my favourite drink is Jack Daniels.

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So I went to the birthplace of Jack Daniels, which is where?

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-ALL: Tennessee.

-Thank you.

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Whereabouts in Tennessee? Lynchburg.

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It's OK, folks, what's done is done.

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But how much does it cost to change a sign?

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I went to the Jack Daniel's distillery.

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They could answer all my questions. How long is the ageing process?

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How long does it take to go through all the charcoal?

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The one question they couldn't answer was, "Why is this place still called Lynchburg?

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"Come on, guys, don't leave me hanging."

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And I also went to Nigeria.

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My parents are from Nigeria and it was quite an experience.

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I arrived at immigration with my two earrings, right?

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The immigration took one look at me and went,

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"Ah, are you a man or a woman?"

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I said, "I'm quite clearly a man."

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And he said, "Shame. With your powerful legs and your broad shoulders,

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"you make a beautiful lady."

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The things I've done for a visa.

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Angela. My good friend, Angela Griffin's here. Hi, Ange. All right?

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We like Ange, yeah? In the house.

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I loved you in Coronation Street.

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-You played a hairdresser.

-That's right.

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And in Cutting It you played a hairdresser.

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-A beautician, actually.

-A beautician?

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Quite similar. What a range.

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I've been on tour, as well, folks, and I've seen all of the country.

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I travelled on various means of transport.

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I took the train. Oh, my God!

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When I took the train as a kid,

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it was only so my mum could beat us in public.

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"Think yourself lucky.

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"Other children are merely beaten at home.

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"I'm beating you as you gaze out on to beautiful scenery."

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And the trains now, aren't they so high-tech?

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Oh, my God. You now get a socket by your seat.

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A socket by your seat.

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If you're on a train, there is a socket by your seat.

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Use it to the max.

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Get your ironing done.

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Blow-dry your hair.

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When I now travel on the train,

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I take a kettle and George Foreman grill.

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Yeah, I can knock out coffee and sandwiches

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cheaper than the buffet car.

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And television, I'm really a big fan of TV, right.

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People are now saying that apparently

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young people are being influenced by what they see on TV.

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And any parents here, you might remember this, there is a cartoon called Peppa Pig.

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-Anybody know that cartoon?

-CHEERING

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Yeah. People are applauding a cartoon! "Oh yes!"

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And what it was, they had to re-edit two of the episodes cos apparently

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Peppa Pig was seen driving a car without a seatbelt.

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Yeah. We had Roadrunner!

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He jumped off buildings.

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If you've got a child who copies what they see on adverts,

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that's called natural selection.

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Get rid. Get another one.

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Back in the old days, '70s, '80s,

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all our bits of technology were built into bits of furniture.

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Look at people nodding. Yes!

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Is it any wonder the rainforest is now depleting?

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The stereo in our lounge was built under so much mahogany

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that I thought if I lifted the lid

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I would discover a lost Amazonian tribe.

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"Mum, look,

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"a man with a plate in his lip has just shot a dart in my face."

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"Shut up, he's your father."

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When I was growing up, we had one telephone in the house, in the hallway.

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Anybody my age remember that? One telephone.

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I'd be like that, "Listen, I can't talk for long, Dad is staring at me.

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"Dad, dad, can I have some privacy?"

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And he'd go, "Privacy?

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"Buy your own house!"

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One thing I remember from school, though, teachers, yeah, finger painting.

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Remember that? I loved that. Cos I come from inner-city London, right?

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And it was only later on in life that I realised it was

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our headmaster's ingenious way to get our fingerprints early.

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He'd say, "Most of you will go on to offend later on in life.

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"I'm a merely cutting out the middleman."

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Also, one of the things I seem to remember from school, folks, right,

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one of the main things I remember is that I'm not a very sporty child.

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Not sporty at all. And it dawned on me, right,

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if you're a white kid at an all-black school,

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and you're not sporty, people assume you're academic.

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But if you're a black kid at an all-white school,

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you can't dance or sing, people assume you're adopted.

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The one thing I loved at school was the power of the note.

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Forget the man who invented the television. Forget him.

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Forget the man who invented the internet.

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The power of the note, the note could get you out of anything.

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PE? No, I've got a note.

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Jabs? I've got a note.

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If only the note could follow you later on in life.

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Can you imagine me in the military

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in a Chinook helicopter over Afghanistan?

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"Private Amos, jump." "I can't, I've got a note.

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"Mum says don't jump. Not in these shoes.

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"You get me?"

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And the leader of the free world, Barack Obama, wow, look at that.

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If Barack Obama was a kid at my primary school and said to my careers adviser,

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"I want to be the President",

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the careers adviser would have gone, "Well, O-bummer..."

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Obviously a temporary careers adviser.

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"..I can definitely see you on the campaign bus...driving it."

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Also, folks, I want to be a bit honest with you tonight.

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I'm very much into same-sex relationships

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cos I think it's very important

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that you're both into the same kind of sex.

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Otherwise it can create friction.

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GROANS

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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People say to me, "Steve, are you gay or bisexual?"

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I go, "Definitely gay, there's no two ways about it."

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That's one positive thing about being gay

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cos a lot of those skills are transferable.

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Is that too much?

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But my mum's take on it is this,

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if my mum saw me having sex with a man she'd be like this.

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"Oh, the man my son is having sex with, HE is the gay one."

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That's my mum.

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But my friends, they are quite bad at trying to set me up.

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I say to them I like a man in uniform.

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Barry from B&Q wasn't quite what I had in mind.

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But, as I say, I'm having fun at the moment doing this job.

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Look at me, yeah, I've actually been asked to host Live At The Apollo!

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CHEERING

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And Lenny Henry isn't dead. No!

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He's just locked in a room at the Premiere Inn.

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OK, ladies and gentlemen, are we ready to start the show?

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CHEERING

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Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome my first guest on tonight.

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A very good friend of mine. A rising star on the comedy circuit.

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Please give it up for the comedy talents that are Mr John Richardson!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello.

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Hello.

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How are you?

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This is good, isn't it? Big!

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HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

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Ooh, yeah!

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One of them as well. Why not?

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Very rare you get that response in a cardigan, but, you know.

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It's nice. It's times like this, as a stand-up,

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you realise, I think I basically just moan for a living.

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I'm going to make a concerted effort to be positive and happy

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cos that's what people like, apparently.

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And I get accused, I constantly get told

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I'm grumpy and miserable, and I'm not. I'm happy. I'm upbeat.

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I love being alive.

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Love being a human.

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Being a human's unbelievable, isn't it?

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If you're a human, you really have nothing to moan about.

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I realise this year that being a human is the best on the planet.

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I was on a plane eating a chicken sandwich.

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That's not it. It's pretty good, though.

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I thought, "I am eating a bird whilst I am flying."

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Unbelievable. I, a flightless land mammal,

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am consuming a bird in mid-air.

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Never mind the fact I just ordered a gin and tonic in a cloud.

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Being a human's so easy that that's are why you get annoyed with people

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cos people don't seem to try as hard as I would like them to, about life.

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I am a perfectionist. Give us a cheer if you're a perfectionist.

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Fair few of you. The rest of you are annoying.

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You go around and make mistakes and you drop things and you laugh

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about it, cos you think it's part of life's rich tapestry.

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It isn't. You should be trying harder.

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I'm a massive perfectionist

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to the point that every mistake in my life counts the same.

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So, in my world, dropping a spoon is the same as running someone over.

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In that, you didn't mean to do it and you did it,

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so you have to get angry about it

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and make sure it never happens again. And I watch people make mistakes.

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I came into London last year to do some gigs and I was on the London Underground.

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I was on the Hammersmith and City line which, if you don't know London,

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is the line that goes from Hammersmith into the City.

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Cockneys really don't piss around when they're naming their things.

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"I built a tube line, Gary. It goes from Hammersmith to the City."

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"Oh, yeah, what you gonna call it?"

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"Don't muck about, Gary. Don't muck about."

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So anyway, I was on the Underground, sat down.

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I knew I needed six stops to get to where I was going

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and opposite me on are two young girls,

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they're all dressed up, going out for the evening.

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They're laughing, giggling, joking.

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They're generally pissing me off.

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I'm not a big fan of public shows of joy.

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My motto is, there's misery in this world, you just have to look for it.

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If something's broken, you can fix it and if it's untidy, you can tidy it.

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If someone's unhappy, you can make them laugh and you've made their day a bit better.

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Happy people are finished. You can't help them.

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If you're happy, don't go out,

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just stay at home and enjoy walls and ceilings.

0:19:470:19:49

My real issue with the happy is it's happy people who make mistakes

0:19:490:19:52

because they're so busy enjoying life they've forgotten to do it properly.

0:19:520:19:56

So I was on the underground and these girls were laughing away.

0:19:560:19:58

A perfect example because they are enjoying being together so much

0:19:580:20:01

they haven't noticed they've got on completely the wrong train.

0:20:010:20:04

So we are hurtling off in this direction and they should actually be going in this direction.

0:20:040:20:08

About five minutes in, one of the girls cottoned on.

0:20:080:20:11

She tapped her mate and went,

0:20:110:20:12

LAUGHS HEARTILY

0:20:120:20:16

"We're on the..."

0:20:160:20:17

I would have been furious.

0:20:170:20:22

Let's say it now - that's not funny, is it?

0:20:220:20:26

What's happened there is you've just lost a big chunk of your life.

0:20:260:20:31

The time you were going to spend

0:20:310:20:32

doing the thing you left the house to do

0:20:320:20:34

you will now spend correcting your ineptitude.

0:20:340:20:36

I know some people would say once you've got on the wrong train,

0:20:360:20:39

there's nothing you can do but laugh about it.

0:20:390:20:41

The only reason you'd laugh in this situation

0:20:410:20:43

is if you do this so often you've just had to learn to find it amusing.

0:20:430:20:47

"Done it again, what are we like?!"

0:20:480:20:51

I'll tell you.

0:20:510:20:53

Shit at being alive.

0:20:550:20:57

It wasn't just that they laughed initially, they laughed all through

0:20:590:21:03

the conversation about the fact there was no line they could get that would hook them back round

0:21:030:21:07

and they'd have to cross the track at the next stop and go back in the opposite direction.

0:21:070:21:10

Then one of them went,

0:21:100:21:12

"You'll have to phone Neil and tell him we're going to be late. He won't believe this!"

0:21:120:21:16

Yes, he will.

0:21:160:21:17

It's not a far-fetched anecdote, is it?

0:21:170:21:21

Neil's an idiot if you phone him and go, "We've got on the wrong train",

0:21:210:21:24

and he goes, "No, it's never happened before!"

0:21:240:21:27

And they got off and they were still laughing.

0:21:270:21:29

They got off at the next stop. I sat there thinking, "This is unbelievable!

0:21:290:21:32

"If you're not going to let this ruin your day, I'm going to have to take one for the team here.

0:21:320:21:37

"Strap on a pair and learn from this mistake even though I didn't make it."

0:21:380:21:43

I just started ranting in my chair. "This is typical of the world, this is.

0:21:430:21:46

"Never mind laughing about it, the fact is, Neil is waiting for them."

0:21:460:21:50

"And I'll tell you why Neil is waiting for them,

0:21:520:21:54

"cos Neil got there in good time by getting the right frigging train.

0:21:540:21:58

"I've got no qualms with Neil, Neil's a good egg."

0:21:580:22:00

I ranted for about 10 minutes.

0:22:010:22:04

All I achieved in that 10 minutes was that I went straight through the stop I was meant to be getting off at.

0:22:040:22:10

You would have to concede that that's mental illness,

0:22:170:22:19

if you are allowing your own life to be ruined by mistakes you haven't even made.

0:22:190:22:23

The worst thing about it is it means a relationship is out of the question

0:22:230:22:26

because you can't go out with someone when you pick up on every mistake, people don't like it.

0:22:260:22:30

My view on relationships and on people in general is this -

0:22:300:22:33

There are two types of people in the world.

0:22:330:22:35

Basically there are putters and leavers.

0:22:350:22:37

If you are not sure which one you are, you'll find out if I ask you a question like "Where are your keys?"

0:22:370:22:42

and you go, "They are where I put them." You are a putter.

0:22:420:22:45

And to sum up, you're a good human being.

0:22:450:22:47

You work hard, you try hard, you are probably quite successful.

0:22:470:22:51

The other group, the leavers, or shithead devils...

0:22:510:22:57

To give them their full title.

0:22:570:22:58

If you say to them, "Where are your keys?" They'll go, "Wherever I left them!"

0:22:580:23:04

And you will die in an accident.

0:23:040:23:06

That's just a fact, you have to know where things are. That is a fact.

0:23:080:23:11

And here's the problem in relationships.

0:23:110:23:13

You tend to find you get a putter with a lever.

0:23:130:23:16

You can't have two putters together cos they will kill each other

0:23:160:23:19

over which way the beans should face in the cupboard.

0:23:190:23:22

"They go westwards." "Oh, do they? In your face?"

0:23:220:23:25

Of course, you can never have two leavers together cos they will die of dysentery.

0:23:260:23:30

What you tend to find is you get a putter with a leaver.

0:23:310:23:35

The most annoying thing about leavers is they are more fun to be around, they are happier people,

0:23:350:23:40

because they go around dropping things and knocking stuff over

0:23:400:23:43

and the putter goes, "That goes there, that goes there. I'm valid in the relationship."

0:23:430:23:48

Leavers drop things cos they're enjoying life.

0:23:490:23:52

"Who cares where my keys are? Tin foil - shiny!"

0:23:520:23:55

Not a good mixture in a relationship.

0:24:020:24:04

"Let's make a collage."

0:24:040:24:06

"Let's make a list."

0:24:060:24:08

I make lists for a very simple reason. I like to control my life.

0:24:080:24:13

My view on happiness is it's kind of like that.

0:24:130:24:16

It goes up and down, it's wavy.

0:24:160:24:17

The happier you are, the sadder you'll be. It always evens out.

0:24:170:24:21

And if you're impulsive, you will have days where everything's perfect

0:24:210:24:24

but you'll have days when everything goes bad and you'll fluctuate a lot like that.

0:24:240:24:28

I can't handle that, so I keep my wave fairly shallow.

0:24:280:24:30

"Oh, that was a nice Kit Kat. Oh, bloody hell."

0:24:300:24:32

And if I try to be impulsive I don't know how it's done and I just ruin days.

0:24:350:24:40

The last girlfriend I went out with, we were chatting, it was the first time we'd spoken.

0:24:400:24:44

She said, "Let's go out on a date. What would you like to do?"

0:24:440:24:47

I thought, "Don't be honest about what you would like to do

0:24:470:24:50

"cos it's probably weird. Say something sexy and impulsive."

0:24:500:24:53

I said something so impulsive even I didn't really know I was going to say it until after it had happened.

0:24:530:24:59

She said, "Oh, this has been nice, what would you like to do?" I said, "Oh, let's go ice-skating."

0:24:590:25:05

Which is easily the shittest sentence I have ever said.

0:25:050:25:09

The phrase, "Would you like to go ice skating?" is on a par with "Would you like a fire bath?"

0:25:090:25:14

Just an experience and a range of temperatures your body does not need to go through.

0:25:150:25:19

If you go ice-skating, you will fall and hurt yourself and it's your fault.

0:25:190:25:23

Ice has evolved. It's got slippery for a reason. It doesn't want us on its back.

0:25:230:25:28

I don't mind falling over, I fall over in life, I like a drink.

0:25:280:25:31

You trip and you put your hands out and you try and minimise the damage. That doesn't work on ice.

0:25:310:25:36

On ice, you splay out and you slide for another 50 yards,

0:25:360:25:39

surrounded by out-of-control teenagers with razor blades on their shoes.

0:25:390:25:43

That is how you lose three fingers. If you're going to lose fingers,

0:25:450:25:48

you need an anecdote, cos you'll get asked about it.

0:25:480:25:50

"Where did you lose those fingers, was in a war?" "No, in an ice rink."

0:25:500:25:54

So I panicked. We went on the date, she'd been before so she went straight through the gate.

0:25:540:25:58

She was doing loop the loop, plies and triple salchows and all that bollocks.

0:25:580:26:01

I thought, "I can't go out in the middle, that is the most dangerous area.

0:26:010:26:04

"But what I can do is just move around the edge and then I've got a barrier to hold onto."

0:26:040:26:09

Which, in terms of health and safety, is a 10 out of 10 move.

0:26:090:26:12

In terms of looking sexy on a first date it's a nought out of 10 move.

0:26:120:26:17

She was looking over at me trying to look sexy and I'm going...

0:26:170:26:21

"You like this, baby?"

0:26:220:26:23

"Daddy moves like your grandmother, that's right."

0:26:250:26:27

She tried everything to get me off the edge.

0:26:300:26:32

"Come on, John, what's the worst that could happen?"

0:26:320:26:34

I went, "Three fingers!" She actually misunderstood.

0:26:340:26:37

Awkward conversation.

0:26:400:26:43

Eventually she got me off the edge and the sentence she used,

0:26:430:26:45

I will guarantee everyone watching this has done something

0:26:450:26:48

they had no intention of doing because of the following phrase.

0:26:480:26:51

She went, "Come on, John, in at the deep end."

0:26:510:26:54

There's something about that phrase that makes you go...

0:26:540:26:57

"In at the deep end!"

0:26:570:26:58

I think it's just because it's rhythmical.

0:26:580:27:01

"Dibby-de-ba-ba." And you go, "Dibby-de-ba-ba!"

0:27:010:27:05

As advice, it's terrible. It basically means, "Why don't you,

0:27:050:27:07

"as a non-swimmer, just have a jump in that deep water there?"

0:27:070:27:11

You might as well just say, "Go on, try and kill yourself."

0:27:110:27:14

The advice should be, "Come on, John, let's walk there together from the shallow end with floats on."

0:27:160:27:22

That doesn't scan. She said, "In at the deep end"

0:27:220:27:24

and I thought, "Well, that's obviously how you learn to ice-skate or she wouldn't have said it."

0:27:240:27:28

So I flung myself off the edge, instantly slipped...

0:27:280:27:31

And you really need your brain there to go,

0:27:310:27:33

"It's all right, I've got this one, I know exactly what to do." What my brain said was...

0:27:330:27:38

"It's all right, John, I actually think you can outrun this."

0:27:380:27:41

You can't outrun a fall.

0:27:450:27:47

No one in the history of mankind has ever run outrun a fall.

0:27:470:27:50

You just double your options to falling or smashing your face into a wall.

0:27:500:27:55

I started pumping my legs.

0:27:550:27:56

Cos there's no friction, they just go like that.

0:27:560:27:59

You enter a move I call the road runner phase, where the legs are going but the body is still.

0:27:590:28:03

But it feels like you are winning cos you're not falling any more.

0:28:030:28:06

"This is just fine, this.

0:28:060:28:08

"I'll just do this for all eternity. We'll get married here."

0:28:080:28:11

Then I started tilting forward and I thought,

0:28:110:28:13

"I'm probably not that far from the barrier. "I can probably still get hold of that."

0:28:130:28:17

I flung my arm out and I got the barrier...

0:28:170:28:20

You weren't expecting that, were you, world?

0:28:200:28:22

Then I thought, "That barrier is actually a little bit squidgier than the last one.

0:28:220:28:27

"I don't remember the last one screaming when I grabbed hold of it."

0:28:270:28:30

And I grabbed her. Not an outstretched arm or anything like that, just an innocent breast.

0:28:300:28:35

And because this is comedy, I imagine you think it was a kind of Hugh Grant romantic comedy style,

0:28:370:28:42

"Oh, no, how embarrassing, but slightly arousing. See you at the bottom!"

0:28:420:28:46

It was nothing like that, it was just a good, old-fashioned, "Aagh!"

0:28:460:28:51

"This is mine."

0:28:510:28:53

I really pulled on this thing.

0:28:550:28:57

Various thoughts go through a man's brain when he's grabbed a breast.

0:28:590:29:02

First of all, "Hee-hee-hee."

0:29:020:29:05

There's nothing you can do about that, that's a reflex.

0:29:060:29:09

Second is usually, "I should let go of this.

0:29:090:29:13

"I don't think she's getting the buzz that we are."

0:29:130:29:16

Not my brain. My brain said, "Don't let go of that, you'll fall."

0:29:160:29:20

So I carried on pulling on it, right.

0:29:200:29:23

She was a lovely girl but she wasn't built to carry that kind of load.

0:29:230:29:27

She hit the deck and I came tumbling after her.

0:29:270:29:30

On the floor she's already laughing.

0:29:300:29:32

She thinks, "If we get together this is going to be hilarious."

0:29:320:29:35

I'm lying next to her absolutely furious.

0:29:350:29:38

Not only because she'd buckled.

0:29:380:29:40

"Put your back into it, love, there's two of us in this."

0:29:430:29:46

It was mainly cos I'd found out

0:29:460:29:47

that when you grab breasts they don't go... HE MAKES HONKING NOISE

0:29:470:29:52

Devastating.

0:29:520:29:53

This has been an absolute honour. Take care. Bye-bye.

0:29:570:30:00

Mr John Richardson.

0:30:090:30:11

Ladies and gentlemen, are we ready for the next act?

0:30:150:30:18

CHEERING

0:30:180:30:19

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to ask you to help us welcome

0:30:200:30:23

another very good friend of mine, a very special guest on the stage tonight, a very funny man indeed,

0:30:230:30:28

please, give it up for the comedy talents that are Micky Flanagan!

0:30:280:30:33

Hello, thank you.

0:30:400:30:41

Thank you.

0:30:430:30:45

Good evening, everybody. Hello.

0:30:490:30:51

Very nice to be here. So I'm from the East End of London.

0:30:530:30:57

Let's use the facilities. This is the cockney walk.

0:30:570:31:00

This is your casual cockney walk, this.

0:31:000:31:03

This is your standard cockney walk.

0:31:030:31:05

"Not a lot going on. Just having a little bit of a walkabout.

0:31:050:31:09

"There you go. Having a little walkabout. A little look about."

0:31:090:31:12

Just your casual cockney walk.

0:31:120:31:15

Then you've got your busy cockney walk.

0:31:160:31:18

"Obviously I'm double busy. Double busy!

0:31:180:31:20

"Can't hang about. I've got to sign on and get back to work."

0:31:230:31:26

Left school with a bottle opener.

0:31:300:31:32

Made in the third year. It wasn't a rubbish one.

0:31:330:31:36

It was good, because the two biggest departments in our schools, woodwork and metalwork.

0:31:360:31:42

So I made the metal bits in the metalwork department.

0:31:420:31:45

I went inter-departmental.

0:31:450:31:47

Went across the corridor.

0:31:490:31:51

I said to the woodwork teacher,

0:31:510:31:54

"Do you mind if I put a wooden handle on my bottle opener, sir?"

0:31:540:31:58

He said, "You're a natural, son.

0:32:000:32:02

"Things are going to work out for you."

0:32:020:32:05

We made ashtrays in the second year.

0:32:050:32:09

Bottle openers in the third year.

0:32:100:32:13

Prams in the fourth year.

0:32:140:32:16

But my big thing in the 80s, chasing women.

0:32:200:32:22

Back in the 80s, I was an international lover and player.

0:32:220:32:26

I was. I made love to women as far afield as Cardiff, Cornwall.

0:32:290:32:35

I got a girl to wank me off on the Isle of Wight. A day trip.

0:32:360:32:41

It was easy to get sex in the 80s. You had to really work for it.

0:32:430:32:47

Women didn't want to part up too quickly.

0:32:470:32:50

You had to go to work.

0:32:500:32:52

If you met a girl and were taking her out on Saturday night,

0:32:520:32:57

"Bosh, here we go, a splash of Paco Rabanne."

0:32:570:33:01

Get your jeans out of the cleaners.

0:33:010:33:03

A nice crease on them.

0:33:030:33:05

And you took her out for the evening, you treated her.

0:33:070:33:10

You took her out for a Steak Diane.

0:33:100:33:12

A few Cinzano Biancos.

0:33:130:33:16

And if she wanted a prawn cocktail, she got a prawn cocktail.

0:33:180:33:21

Women went mental for the prawn cocktail in the 80s.

0:33:240:33:27

You'd see her little face light up.

0:33:270:33:31

You've sat her down and you've presented her with prawns...

0:33:310:33:35

..Lettuce...

0:33:360:33:38

in a wine glass....

0:33:380:33:40

..Drizzled with the dressing from a thousand islands.

0:33:420:33:47

"Not salad cream tonight, Princess."

0:33:510:33:54

"Tonight, you're special."

0:33:560:33:58

"You're going to get a dressing that's been gathered from a thousand islands...

0:33:590:34:05

"and brought to this steak house in Bethnal Green."

0:34:050:34:08

Now, you want the vagina.

0:34:110:34:13

This hasn't changed.

0:34:130:34:15

Men have chased the vagina since time began.

0:34:150:34:18

The vagina has changed, as we know.

0:34:180:34:21

It was still a big hairy beast back in the 80s.

0:34:210:34:24

Big, hairy, militant, Marxist, feminist vagina.

0:34:260:34:30

It was angry, the vagina, in the 80s. Had a terrible attitude.

0:34:320:34:38

I mean, the knickers weren't small and it was still busting out the side. Big angry vagina!

0:34:400:34:46

You started rolling these Marxist knickers down and it would come out, "Grrr! What are you looking at?"

0:34:490:34:55

But you want the vagina.

0:34:570:35:00

So I got myself a place, kitted it out for love - bedsitter.

0:35:000:35:05

Quality bedsitter. Not council.

0:35:050:35:09

And I went and got all the latest gear. I spent about 700 quid, "Right, let's go."

0:35:090:35:14

Take her back, sit her down on the futon.

0:35:140:35:17

She's half in bed already.

0:35:190:35:21

Up there for thinking.

0:35:230:35:24

Go over to my stereo stacker system.

0:35:260:35:28

Got a stereo stacker.

0:35:280:35:33

With a built-in graphic equaliser.

0:35:350:35:38

That does nothing.

0:35:400:35:42

I slip into the cassette deck,

0:35:440:35:48

Now That's What I Call Music...

0:35:480:35:52

Two.

0:35:520:35:53

Now, I know Luther Vandross will be on in a minute.

0:36:000:36:03

When Luther comes on, bosh, I'm in.

0:36:030:36:06

This frees up the time for me to go off to the kitchenette area.

0:36:080:36:12

I've got a kitchenette area.

0:36:120:36:14

It's not a pisshole I'm living in.

0:36:140:36:16

I've got a kitchenette. I go behind my little bit of curtain.

0:36:170:36:21

Got to have a little bit of curtain around your kitchen, come on.

0:36:240:36:27

I change into the uniform of the international player,

0:36:290:36:32

which we know is the silk, black kimono.

0:36:320:36:37

Come back out into the main area.

0:36:380:36:42

I've kept my jeans on. I'm not a monster.

0:36:420:36:45

I turn round to reveal the dragon.

0:36:490:36:52

Hold that pose.

0:36:550:36:58

Come back with a nice chilled bottle of Blue Nun.

0:36:580:37:01

Oh, she's gone.

0:37:020:37:04

Now, playing days are over for me anyway.

0:37:060:37:10

I sorted my life out in the late 80s.

0:37:100:37:12

Met a very nice girl. Proper middle class.

0:37:120:37:15

She's been skiing and everything.

0:37:150:37:16

About four years ago - we were together six years -

0:37:180:37:23

we were making love, right? Making love.

0:37:230:37:26

She said, "I want a baby. I want a baby."

0:37:260:37:31

I said, "Well, if you come off the pill I'll start leaving it in, right?"

0:37:310:37:35

So...started leaving it in.

0:37:350:37:39

Child came along, was created.

0:37:410:37:44

My wife, quite a middle-class woman, said, after a few months, "I'm losing my identity.

0:37:450:37:51

"Losing my identity!"

0:37:510:37:54

I said, "Have you finished your cleaning?"

0:37:560:37:58

Course I didn't. We've got a cleaner.

0:37:590:38:02

Everyone's got a cleaner now. Poor people have got cleaners.

0:38:040:38:07

So...she went back to work, leaving me to bring the child up.

0:38:080:38:14

So I'm pushing him along the street in his £500 pram, which I resented, initially.

0:38:140:38:20

Then I got involved in a race in Somerfields.

0:38:200:38:23

Turns on a tanner. Turns on a tanner.

0:38:250:38:27

Some idiot in a £200 buggy tried to cut me up?!

0:38:290:38:33

I said, "Come on, mate, there's a monkey's worth of pramette coming through here.

0:38:350:38:39

"Shouldn't you be in Iceland's with that thing?"

0:38:430:38:45

I'm not... I'm not a snob.

0:38:510:38:56

But we did buy an overpriced house to store the baby in,

0:38:560:38:59

you know what I mean? In a nice area. Really nice area.

0:38:590:39:04

My wife went back to work. It's the thing about having children,

0:39:040:39:08

it is a bit tedious because you get up early with them. You get up about 6:30am.

0:39:080:39:12

By about 7:30am, you're running out of ideas.

0:39:120:39:15

So the government say, "Not too much telly, not too much telly."

0:39:150:39:20

They don't know what they're talking about.

0:39:200:39:23

He loves a bit of telly.

0:39:230:39:25

Never once has this little boy turned to me and gone, "There's nothing on, Dad."

0:39:260:39:32

I put him by the telly, right.

0:39:320:39:34

He's watching Thomas the Tank Engine. I'm reading about the budget deficit,

0:39:340:39:38

which is very high, as we know, and you should be more worried about it.

0:39:380:39:43

He's watching Thomas. I'm reading the paper. He's watching Thomas.

0:39:440:39:48

I'm reading the paper. Suddenly, I'M watching Thomas.

0:39:480:39:52

Two years later, I'm a massive fan of Thomas.

0:39:550:39:58

I've got to know the trains again, haven't I?

0:39:590:40:02

Their little personalities, you know.

0:40:020:40:04

You think, "Oh, Toby's turned up, this'll be a blinder, this will."

0:40:040:40:08

No, cos he's not a proper diesel or a steamy, he's square, he plays up a bit, you know.

0:40:130:40:22

So you're guaranteed a good episode with Toby.

0:40:220:40:25

Now, the worst thing about having children - you're thoroughly enjoying an episode of Thomas,

0:40:250:40:29

the little boy looks up at me and thinks, "He's enjoying himself a bit. I'm not having that.

0:40:290:40:34

"I think I'll go off and top myself."

0:40:340:40:37

So he goes and gets in the oven.

0:40:370:40:39

Keep me on my toes. And you have to go,

0:40:400:40:42

"Hot, hot, hot! Hot, hot, hot!"

0:40:420:40:46

And you miss the end of Thomas.

0:40:490:40:51

It ruins the rest of your day.

0:40:530:40:54

Ruins it. It gnaws away at you.

0:40:540:40:57

You think, "How did that end?"

0:40:570:40:59

And it's not the sort of show you can just pop down the pub that night

0:41:020:41:06

and start asking about, you know what I mean?

0:41:060:41:10

Saying to people, "I don't suppose you saw Thomas this morning, did you?"

0:41:100:41:13

"They brought the orchestra over, right, to play at the fete, the Sodor fete,

0:41:160:41:22

"they've only sent Percy to pick them up, haven't they?

0:41:220:41:25

"I don't know what the Fat Controller's thinking about sometimes, I really don't."

0:41:250:41:30

"We know it's a job for Gordon, don't we?

0:41:310:41:34

"Possibly Henry, at a push."

0:41:340:41:36

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been absolutely lovely.

0:41:380:41:40

Thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Thank you.

0:41:400:41:43

Mr Micky Flanagan!

0:41:540:41:56

Yes, what a great time we've had tonight.

0:42:010:42:03

Just to round up, I just want to say one last thing.

0:42:030:42:06

They say PC has gone a bit too mad in this country.

0:42:060:42:09

Everyone's a bit too PC. Too PC.

0:42:090:42:11

Now, I think PC's OK if it means you've got to think before you speak and you respect other people.

0:42:110:42:18

However, it can go too far.

0:42:180:42:20

A blackboard is a blackboard.

0:42:200:42:22

Keep singing Baa Baa Black Sheep.

0:42:220:42:24

It dawned on me when I watched a programme earlier this year.

0:42:240:42:28

It was called Finding Dorothy. Anybody see that programme?

0:42:280:42:31

Basically they were looking for a West End star to play Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

0:42:310:42:36

I was hooked on this programme.

0:42:360:42:37

I watched it until it got to the final ten and I found out that one of them was black.

0:42:370:42:44

And I was like, "What?

0:42:440:42:47

"To play Dorothy? I don't think so."

0:42:470:42:51

Now, don't get me wrong, folks, there were black people in rural Kansas in 1939.

0:42:530:42:58

They just weren't allowed on the Yellow Brick Road.

0:42:580:43:01

Ladies and gentlemen, that about rounds it up for tonight. Please help me thank my first guest,

0:43:050:43:11

Mr John Richardson!

0:43:110:43:12

And we finished with Mr Micky Flanagan!

0:43:170:43:20

You have been a great audience. I have simply been gorgeous.

0:43:270:43:30

My name is Stephen K Amos. Good night.

0:43:300:43:33

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:330:43:36

E-mail [email protected]

0:43:360:43:39

Stephen K Amos presents an evening of stand-up comedy in front of a 3,500-strong audience at the Hammersmith Apollo, with special guest appearances from the brilliant Jon Richardson and London's very own Micky Flanagan.


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