Episode 1 Live at the Apollo


Episode 1

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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour.

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# Oh, yeah! #

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight -

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Micky Flanagan!

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CHEERING

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Ah! Good evening, 'Ammersmith! What's 'appening?

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Welcome to Live At The Apollo! CHEERING

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Ah...

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Thank you for coming out, people.

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Coming out to central London. Always a pain.

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You get on the Tube.

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Looking at people with flip-flops on. LAUGHTER

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I'm a Londoner myself. I get out of town quite a lot.

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People are happy everywhere else. Don't know if you've noticed. "How you doing?" they say.

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"All right?" I say, "Just put the pasty in the bag, love." LAUGHTER

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"We're all busy people."

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So we've got Arg here. How you doin', Arg? What's happening, man?

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I'll tell you what I did the other day as a bit of respect to the vajazzle.

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I put a bit of Pritt Stick all over my bollocks...

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dipped them in a bowl of glitter.

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Ah!

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My wife was like, "Whoo!

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"Get that out, man. Get that out."

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So...

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I used to chase women quite a lot. Things were different back then.

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You had to go out on the hunt as a man in the '70s.

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You had to put a nice splash of Paco Rabanne on. You'd stand with your mates. There was no Facebook.

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None of this nonsense. You went in cold!

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You went in cold.

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With your mates, Friday night, you've had a couple of pints of lager, shirt ironed, jeans pressed.

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You say to your mates, "I'm going to go and get them birds over. When I bring 'em back, don't mess it up."

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You walk over to them.

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Evening, ladies.

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I know it must have hurt when you fell from heaven. GROANS

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Maybe my friends and I could ease the pain by buying you a few drinks.

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No? Fair enough. LAUGHTER

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Come on, we're going. We've only come in here on lesbian night, haven't we?

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It's very nice that women don't have to worry about this nonsense now.

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If they fancy you in a nightclub, you're chatting to her, she says, "Shut up. Shut up!

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"I'm going to sleep with you, brother. Calm down."

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Takes you home and uses you.

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And you wake up in the morning a bit dishevelled.

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The cat's looking at you. The judgmental cat on the pine dresser.

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But the worst thing that's happened, in all the commotion you've forgotten her name.

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Now, I'm old-fashioned. I think if you've trumped on someone's fanny, you should remember their name.

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It's a bit of a rule of mine.

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So...

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Go downstairs, go through the post.

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LAUGHTER

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Thinking!

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I'm a thinker!

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Crafty, crafty Cockney!

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I'll just have a look here...

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Oh, I can't call her The Occupier.

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That would be a bit much.

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But I'm not so old-fashioned. If you've slept with someone very quickly,

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there may be something beyond lust. So you go on a date on a Wednesday after work.

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Don't want to mess your weekend up. LAUGHTER

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You go Express - Pizza Express. It's too soon for the Hut.

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LAUGHTER Hut comes later.

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It's got to be Express, early days. Marblene table, flower.

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LAUGHTER It's all going on.

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Now she's thinking, "This geezer's all right. Bit of a stunner, not bad in the bedroom."

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Then you start proving you've got half a brain. She thinks, "He's a potential boyfriend!"

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LAUGHTER

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"Oooh! Potential boyfriend."

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Suddenly, you're getting this speech halfway through the Four Seasons.

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"Listen, can I assure you, it's not my usual practice

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"to sleep with men as quickly as I happen to have slept with you?"

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And I'm like, "Relax, Home Owner.

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"Relax.

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"We've got off to a bit of a shaky start. Let's have a bruschetta!"

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So...

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I'm settled down now. Met a very nice girl ten years ago.

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And, um...we were making love about...five years ago...

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We've done it since.

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She said, "I want a baby!"

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I said, "Well, come off the pill, I'll start leaving it in."

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And so, um...

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A bit boring, but necessary.

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So...

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I started leaving it in.

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The child arrived.

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And to do the right thing, we went and bought an overpriced house to store him in for 16 years,

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to give him half a chance.

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And we know it's a nice area. And you know why? Because people tend to say hello.

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They're trying to create a bit of a village-y feel. Like a village. "Hello!" they say.

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"Hello!" They come out the bushes. "Hello!"

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I'm not big on the hello.

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I've looked into the whole issue. I'll tell you. Your neighbours either side, if you bump into them,

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you have to say hello.

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If you come out late at night -

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you're doing your recycling late, cos you shouldn't have that many bottles...

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You go out late, crafty, don't ya?

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And they come out - "Ooh... Did you have a party?"

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"No, we're functioning alcoholics. Now, piss off."

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A few doors either side of these people, these are optional. Optional.

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They're neighbourly. Neighbourly. "Yes, hello!"

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Beyond that, bollocks to them. LAUGHTER

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It goes for two or three doors.

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Then you have an odd mark in your street, wants to say hello to everyone for no apparent reason.

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We've got one. He's an old boy. He's got a rather sporty car.

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And he shows out. "Hello! Hello..."

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I've blanked him for about three years.

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But the other day I'd had a couple of pints of Stella "Artorise".

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It's a continental lager.

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And contrary to popular belief, it made me quite benevolent. I got quite friendly.

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I cracked. I went past, I said hello and we had a chat about his motor.

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Now we're mates. Now I've got to say hello to him for the rest of my life.

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And this is what it can lead to.

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Went to drop the little boy off at his school. His Montessori school.

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Where he learns through play.

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For £50 a day. LAUGHTER

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Very giving people there, they are.

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And I saw him. "Morning," we said. "Morning! Morning!"

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The big "good morning". Went indoors, had to get a pint of milk.

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He's coming down the road again. The second meet's a bit awkward. You've done your big "good morning".

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So we did what you do - the big eyebrow raise.

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"Fancy bumping into you again. What a crazy world we live in."

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Went indoors.

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Ink cartridge has run out. I need another one. I'm going to the stationer's. He's coming again!

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The third meet is one of the toughest social situations known to mankind.

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But he knew the rules, as did I.

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We strapped in. As we passed each other, I said, "You're not following me, are you?"

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He said, "We have to stop meeting like this!"

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That's your standard cover for your third meet. Internationally known and respected.

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But there's no cover for four. It's never been found.

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I'm now trapped in the house for 24 hours before we're back on "hello".

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Fair enough. Don't want to go out anyway.

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My wife, though, she said, "Pick my dress up from the cleaner's." I said, "No."

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"What do you mean, no?!" I said, "You know the old boy with the sporty car? We say hello now.

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"I've seen him three times already today. As you know, there's no cover for four."

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She said, "I don't know what you're talking about. Go and get the dress, you arsehole!"

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So I'm in a dodgy situation. I'll tell you what it led me to do, people.

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For the first time in my adult life I've reached the position

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where I'm peeping out of my own curtains.

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My aim being to see the old man leave his home and I shall run to the cleaner's and get back.

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And I'm peeping. I made a discovery.

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Peeping is fun. LAUGHTER

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Because you're in a powerful position as a peeper. You're looking at people. They don't know.

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However, the real fun starts when you're caught peeping.

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LAUGHTER Cos a power struggle ensues between you, the peeper,

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and what we'll now call the peepee.

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LAUGHTER

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Cos the peepee seizes power. They say, "A-ha! I've caught a geezer peeping!"

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At that point, you are duty bound to do one of two things.

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You come out of the peep and start messing about with the window, thus throwing it into some doubt.

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Your second option, and the far more common, is the good old-fashioned hide.

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APPLAUSE

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So I'm pushing on. I'm loving the peeping.

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I made a discovery. I discovered the most fun you can have.

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You're peeping. Fair enough. It's your right.

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You're caught peeping. The peepee seizes power!

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They go, "A-ha! I've caught a geezer peeping."

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At that point they expect you to come out or hide.

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For maximum fun at that point,

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you maintain the peep. LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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This takes it to a whole new level.

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It's not for everyone.

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So, holiday time's over. Not a big fan of holidays. Never have been.

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You go on holiday - what are people doing? They're walking about...

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Having something to eat. "Shall we have something to eat?"

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The only place I'll go is Spain.

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We conquered Spain in the '70s, didn't we? We turned up, we said, "We like it here. It's all right.

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"It's all right.

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"But you're going to have to make a few changes.

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"Cos there's no bingo in the evening...

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"..the set breakfasts are a bit ropey...

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"and I couldn't get a roast on Sunday. Now, sort it out!"

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"We don't mind a Spanish night, but just the one, midweek.

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"Get it out the way."

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But there was a fear of going to Spain, a monumental fear. I'll tell you what it was.

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The shits.

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The fear of the shits was monumental.

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You'd say to people, "We're going Benidorm this year."

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They'd go, "Oooh...

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"You'll get the shits."

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You'd go, "Yeah, but you can rely on the weather."

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You'd go to Spain - you'd get the shits.

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But largely over the last 25, 30 years it's disappeared, hasn't it?

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You go to Spain, it's all right. You come back, no mention of the shits.

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You've got to go more long haul now to get the shits.

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You've got to go more international.

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About a year and a half ago I was invited to India,

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to a little town called Mumbai...

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Bombay for the older people.

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They do a lovely mix.

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And anyway, when I've turned up, they've pulled me to one side

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and said, "Be careful here, Mick - we've got a thing called Delhi belly,

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"it's a bit tasty.

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"You get it, you're going to know all about it, mate."

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They said, "Don't have ice in your drinks, don't be eating the salads."

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I said, "You're all right, I've been going to Spain for about 30 years.

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"I'm covered for all eventualities!"

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So I'm having ice in my drinks, I'm having the salad,

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I'm washing in the river...

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I embrace local culture!

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Day three. About 10:30, after one of the shows. I looked at my mate Paul -

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I said, "Paul, I don't feel right, mate.

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"Something ain't right. I'm a regular man, I go in the morning.

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"I feel like I need to go now."

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He said, "Well, go then, go!"

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So I went to the toilet.

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And with the gentlest of pushes...

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..the world fell out of my arse.

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It's terrifying. You don't know where it's coming from. You start panicking.

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You think you're going to empty.

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I thought, "I'm going to end up a costume of a man."

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I went out to my mate Paul, I said, "I'm bang in trouble, mate."

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He said, "What's up?" I said "All this dirty water's coming out of me."

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He said, "How bad is it?" I said, "Put it this way.

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"Have you ever emptied an old radiator?"

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He said, "Shut up, come and have a drink."

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I said, "I can't, mate, I've got about ten seconds between when I THINK I'm going to shit myself...

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"and when I will." I said, "This ain't no disco, man.

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"This ain't no party. This ain't no fooling around.

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"No time for lovey." Anyway...

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Couple of days later I got revenge. He phoned me up from his sick bed, room to room,

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at 10:30 in the morning.

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He said, "Mick...I got it."

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I said, "A-ha! How bad is it?"

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He said, "Put it this way.

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"I've just farted...

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"..and some of it's sprayed on me pillow!"

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That's proper!

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Enjoy your snacks on the way home.

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So... we have to bring on our first guest of the evening. He's superb.

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Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING

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Please welcome to this stage, Mr Seann Walsh!

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CHEERING

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Hello, Apollo!

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It's good to be here. Nice to be in London. Well done for coming out.

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Travelling through London. Very stressful, very tense. Well done. I couldn't live here.

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I tried to move here towards the end of last year and I lasted about five minutes,

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which in most towns isn't a long amount of time.

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But my God, your faces when it says "five minutes" for the Tube.

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LAUGHTER

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It's like it says that your flight to Barbados has been cancelled forever.

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LAUGHTER

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It's so stressful living here. You are the best at rushing. Do you know how good you are?!

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You see a gap that big and think, "I'm getting through that gap!"

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You jump to emphasise! It's amazing!

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It's incredible!

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It's so hectic here!

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And it's exhausting, isn't it? It's very tiring. One day in London - knackered!

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You can tell that people are knackered because they can fall asleep on the Tube standing up!

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Then the bloke wakes up when the Tube stops.

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LAUGHTER

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What?

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That's the wrong order, isn't it?

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You see it every time, a bloke just standing...

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, that's me, thank you.

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What?

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What's going on?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That's the wrong order.

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That's like when your dad wakes up when you turn OFF the television.

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"I was watching that." "No, you weren't!"

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I love watching television.

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I hate losing the remote control.

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Even if I'm not the one looking for it.

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Because the house just goes crazy.

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Why does no-one believe you when you say you are not sitting on the remote control?

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LAUGHTER

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"I am not sitting on it!

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"Leave me alone!" "Come on, just get up."

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"I'm not! I told you! I would be able to feel it! Leave me alone!"

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"Just get up." "I'm not getting up. I'm comfortable. Leave me alone!"

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"Just get up." "Please go away." "Just get up." "Oh, for God's...

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"Sorry, there you go. Sorry. Sorry.

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"I'm sorry. My arse can't feel it." For some reason, your arse can't feel a remote control.

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"I'm very sorry. I'm sorry."

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But a lot of people are cutting down on watching television.

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You don't lose the remote control. People watch programmes on the laptop.

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I got the laptop. This has made me so lazy.

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This is ruining my life.

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I don't even turn mine off any more. Do you?

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I just close it. I can't be bothered with all that "shut down - are you sure?" Questions, questions!

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Leave me alone!

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Mine's been on for years!

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The poor thing's there just going, "I'm boiling!

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"Please turn me off!

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"Even the oven gets a break! Come on!"

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APPLAUSE

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I got the laptop because I thought, "This will be brilliant. I'll have a computer on the move.

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"I'll have a computer on the go. I'll be able to use the computer in the cafe, on the train like that.

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"It'll be brilliant."

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The only time I ever use my laptop, just like anyone else, is lying down in bed.

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"That's it. I'm not moving. That's it."

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It's not even a laptop any more, is it? When was the last time you put it on your lap?

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It's a crotchtop! That's what it is.

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It's just there, burning your balls...

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Sperm going, "Agh, that's hot! Agh! I can't breathe, stop!"

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You just lie there in that disgusting position.

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You know that position in bed that every one of your friends sees you in on Skype?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Hello.

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Yeah...

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When you can't see them on Skype... You won't talk to them unless you can see them.

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"Where are you? Where are you? Where are YOU? Where are you?"

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When they pop up, you're not looking at them. You're looking at a picture of yourself.

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You can't believe how much you look like a bear. "Why do I look so disgusting? Help me!"

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That's the night-time position, that one. That's the night-time.

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The daytime one is on the side, laptop on the bed like that.

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LAUGHTER

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Looks like you're on Babestation.

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"Call me. Call me.

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"Call me. Make sure you call me. Call me."

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You know you get uncomfortable in bed and you want to turn round?

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With the laptop, you just go like that. "That's better, watch it like that." You take that for granted.

0:23:540:24:00

Remember as a kid watching a film at night, TV on the side of the room, going, "I'm really enjoying this...

0:24:000:24:06

"I really want to turn round!"

0:24:060:24:09

You'd convince yourself that you'd listen for a bit...

0:24:090:24:13

"I'll just turn round for a bit and listen."

0:24:140:24:17

MIMICS SNORING

0:24:170:24:19

APPLAUSE

0:24:190:24:21

I can't get off the laptop. I can't get off any of these popular sites.

0:24:290:24:33

Facebook, yeah?

0:24:330:24:35

I'm just like everyone else. I hate Facebook.

0:24:350:24:39

Can't get off the thing!

0:24:390:24:41

I can't get off it. It's horrible. I hate it.

0:24:420:24:46

The only redeeming feature that Facebook has is when you go to use it around a friend's

0:24:460:24:52

and they've left theirs logged in.

0:24:520:24:55

LAUGHTER

0:24:550:24:57

Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!

0:24:590:25:02

Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!

0:25:020:25:05

You "frape" them.

0:25:050:25:08

This is what you do. If you don't know what "fraping" is, it's approaching somebody you care about,

0:25:080:25:14

someone that you love, approaching their laptop, a best friend,

0:25:140:25:18

going into their status update, writing anything, and making out that they've said it.

0:25:180:25:24

Fantastic. You could use your imagination. Write anything!

0:25:240:25:28

But we all write the same thing.

0:25:290:25:32

"I love cock."

0:25:340:25:37

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:400:25:42

All these things, our lives are changing so quickly.

0:25:460:25:49

Even...games consoles now.

0:25:490:25:50

Games consoles. Even games consoles are changing rapidly.

0:25:500:25:55

All these new consoles - the Nintendo Wii, the Xbox Kinect -

0:25:550:25:59

they're designed so that you actually have to do the thing!

0:25:590:26:03

So it's taking the point away from the games console. Isn't it?

0:26:060:26:09

I bought this so I don't have to go out and do the thing.

0:26:090:26:12

It's like buying a film then you have to act it out yourself.

0:26:140:26:17

Open the DVD case, there's a script. What the HELL is this?!

0:26:190:26:23

I prefer the old consoles.

0:26:260:26:28

Like the Megadrive.

0:26:280:26:31

CHEERING Yes.

0:26:310:26:33

# Sega. #

0:26:330:26:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:360:26:39

# Sega

0:26:390:26:42

# Sega. #

0:26:420:26:45

Remember you'd go try and play it late without your mum knowing.

0:26:450:26:48

Turn on the television, forget the volume's up.

0:26:480:26:50

# SEGA! #

0:26:500:26:51

Megadrive - those were the days, those were the days.

0:26:570:27:01

When something didn't work...

0:27:010:27:03

you blew into it. LAUGHTER

0:27:030:27:06

HE BLOWS FORCEFULY

0:27:090:27:11

Your friends thought they were better at it than you.

0:27:140:27:16

"No, you do it upwards, here." HE BLOWS FORCEFULY

0:27:190:27:21

Or down.

0:27:230:27:24

Even the video machine - when a film's not working.

0:27:250:27:29

There'd be one person nominated to get up off the sofa.

0:27:290:27:33

"Ah, for God's sake."

0:27:330:27:34

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:360:27:39

Have to push open the flap. HE BLOWS FORCEFULY

0:27:430:27:47

My favourite game on the Megadrive was Mortal Kombat.

0:27:510:27:55

CHEERING

0:27:550:27:58

This was...this was the beat-'em-up.

0:27:580:28:01

Two men fighting, lot of parents said,

0:28:010:28:03

"These games, they encourage violence. They encourage violence,

0:28:030:28:07

"kids are going to start fighting if they play these games."

0:28:070:28:10

I think that's true. I do, I think that's true

0:28:100:28:12

because if my brother beat me I'd try and kill him.

0:28:120:28:15

Proper sibling fights. Proper sibling fi...

0:28:160:28:19

When you were about 10, you didn't know how to fight.

0:28:190:28:21

Thumb inside the fist, sideways.

0:28:210:28:24

Teeth...over the bottom of the mouth.

0:28:240:28:26

Not the face, not the face!

0:28:280:28:31

Not the face, not the face!

0:28:310:28:32

Whoever won the sibling fight

0:28:320:28:34

was always the kid that could run to the sofa first...

0:28:340:28:38

jump back...

0:28:380:28:40

and just kick out.

0:28:400:28:41

That was it, wasn't it? That was the special move.

0:28:410:28:44

You couldn't beat that. HE TRILLS

0:28:440:28:46

You couldn't beat that now.

0:28:480:28:49

People should still fight like that, shouldn't they?

0:28:500:28:52

Be brilliant!

0:28:520:28:54

Blokes outside Wetherspoons on a Friday night,

0:28:540:28:56

"Oh, you want some? You go first.

0:28:560:28:59

"You go. Go on."

0:28:590:29:00

Mortal Kombat.

0:29:140:29:15

Mortal Kombat, it was my favourite beat-'em-up.

0:29:150:29:17

The difference between this beat-'em-up and any other beat-'em-up

0:29:170:29:21

was you didn't just beat your opponent until he died.

0:29:210:29:24

You beat him into a coma...

0:29:240:29:25

..where you could do anything you wanted to him.

0:29:270:29:29

Remember this?

0:29:290:29:30

FINISH HIM!

0:29:300:29:33

This gave you about 10 seconds to type in the secret combo

0:29:460:29:49

that would kill your opponent in spectacular fashion.

0:29:490:29:52

The problem was, no-one knew the secret combo, did they?

0:29:520:29:56

No-one had a clue.

0:29:560:29:58

You'd just be there going, "Come on, come on."

0:29:580:30:00

"Come on. Come on!" All that happened was it went, "FINISH HIM!"

0:30:000:30:04

You had one bloke on one side of the screen just going,

0:30:040:30:07

"I'm off my nut."

0:30:070:30:09

And 10 yards down the other side of the screen

0:30:110:30:14

your guy just going, "I don't know what I'm doing."

0:30:140:30:17

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:170:30:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:270:30:30

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. I've been Seann Walsh. Good night!

0:30:350:30:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:410:30:43

Ladies and gentlemen, we have the second comedian for you this evening.

0:30:550:31:00

Please welcome to the stage Mr Jason Byrne!

0:31:000:31:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:050:31:07

Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello!

0:31:170:31:20

The last time I was on Live At The Apollo,

0:31:200:31:24

and I'm pretty well known in Britain for a very odd thing now,

0:31:240:31:28

and it's for having a cockeye.

0:31:280:31:30

Or a turned-in eye or a squint.

0:31:310:31:34

Cos I did this material the last time I was here about having a cockeye and a squint

0:31:340:31:39

and it's now made me famous in Britain.

0:31:390:31:42

It's a bit shit being famous for something like that cos I haven't written any cool songs or anything.

0:31:420:31:48

-Has anybody in this room got a cockeye or a squint?

-Yeah!

0:31:480:31:53

Look, see! It's brilliant because I've brought them out.

0:31:530:31:57

Normally, your eye will turn in if you get excited. It's really handy when I'm in bed with my wife

0:31:570:32:02

and I'm making love to her and my eye is literally facing my nose.

0:32:020:32:06

It's going...

0:32:060:32:08

"Is this OK, is it? Is this OK, yeah?"

0:32:080:32:11

I'm so excited, I don't know my eye has turned in.

0:32:110:32:15

She's just going, "Just get off me, just get off me. I can't stop laughing. Get off me.

0:32:150:32:21

"Go and get your patch." I have a patch. I have to wear a patch in bed.

0:32:210:32:26

It's like a pirate's patch. It's humiliating. Back in, off I go again.

0:32:260:32:31

We have two little boys as well.

0:32:340:32:36

And it's like... Well, we don't, I have two little boys,

0:32:360:32:39

my wife has three boys and I'm one of them.

0:32:390:32:42

That's just what happens, you know?

0:32:430:32:45

Normally, at breakfast time there's three of us

0:32:450:32:47

in the kitchen in our pyjamas.

0:32:470:32:49

Waiting for my wife to get up, just...

0:32:490:32:51

"She'll be up in a minute, lads, she'll be up in a minute."

0:32:580:33:00

"I'm hungry, are you hungry?"

0:33:010:33:03

"I'm eating first, do you hear me?!"

0:33:050:33:07

But yeah, my kids, you know, they're amazing. And they do weird...

0:33:100:33:13

Like, I don't believe that people who have to go

0:33:130:33:15

and train to look after kids,

0:33:150:33:16

you can't train how to look after kids,

0:33:160:33:18

you have to live with them cos they're mad, right?

0:33:180:33:20

They try to kill themselves all the time

0:33:200:33:23

and do mad stuff and eat dangerous things,

0:33:230:33:25

like, no college is ever going to teach you that stuff.

0:33:250:33:28

All they teach you is here's a two-year-old,

0:33:280:33:30

you put him on the ground and you just open his nappy gently,

0:33:300:33:33

just clean him, help him up and then he walks away gently.

0:33:330:33:36

They never do that.

0:33:360:33:37

My kid when he was in nappies would just stand in front of me going,

0:33:370:33:40

"Come on, Dad, yeah."

0:33:400:33:41

"Change my nappy, Dad, change my nappy."

0:33:410:33:43

"Come on, Dad, get my nappy. Quickly, before it comes off."

0:33:430:33:48

And it was heft with poo, full of poo, right?

0:33:480:33:50

Because I was looking after him and I'm thinking,

0:33:520:33:54

"Yeah, yeah. Six or seven more poos will definitely fit in there, yeah?"

0:33:540:33:57

If that was his mother, after one he would have been cleaned.

0:33:590:34:03

No way! Load it up.

0:34:030:34:05

Load it up and just let it fall off naturally, right?

0:34:050:34:07

They're amazing what they do. My other kid when he was about eight,

0:34:100:34:14

I was watching a match with my mates.

0:34:140:34:17

Sitting there watching the television, OK?

0:34:170:34:19

And he came running in, naked,

0:34:190:34:22

stood in front of the screen,

0:34:220:34:23

faced my mates and went,

0:34:230:34:25

"Willy, willy, willy, willy, willy, willy!"

0:34:250:34:27

"There it is! There it is!"

0:34:270:34:30

And ran out of the room!

0:34:300:34:31

My mates are going, "What the hell was that?!"

0:34:340:34:37

I'm going, "I don't know.

0:34:370:34:39

"I've never seen him do that, what the hell did he do that for?" Cos little boys are nuts.

0:34:390:34:44

And then I found him and his little brother a few days later

0:34:440:34:46

with their willies out, just having a laugh,

0:34:460:34:48

just going, "Yeah, come on."

0:34:480:34:50

"Get your willies out, lads, yeah. Willy, willy. Willy, willy."

0:34:510:34:54

"Yeah, willy willy. Yeah, willy willy."

0:34:540:34:56

And I couldn't join in, cos apparently it's illegal, right?

0:34:570:35:00

But I can tell you, one day I'm going to do it.

0:35:030:35:05

When their mother's out I'm going to get me and the lads either side of me

0:35:050:35:09

with their willies out, bit of music on the telly.

0:35:090:35:11

"Yeah, come on, let's go, yeah."

0:35:110:35:12

Come on, lads, willy, willy. Willy, willy.

0:35:120:35:14

"Willy, willy, Father?"

0:35:140:35:16

"Willy, willy, son. Yeah, come on, yeah."

0:35:160:35:19

"Willy, willy. Willy, willy."

0:35:190:35:20

Oh, what am I talking about?

0:35:200:35:22

Fecking willies.

0:35:240:35:25

But men, we can't help it though, we love our willies.

0:35:280:35:30

Do you know what I mean? We're always at it. We're always AT it.

0:35:300:35:33

We're at it all the time, you know what I mean?

0:35:330:35:36

Like, there's loads of blokes here that on their own in the bathroom

0:35:360:35:40

just bang your willy off your legs, just bored.

0:35:400:35:42

Just going, chk, chk, chk, chk.

0:35:440:35:45

Chk, chk, chk, chk, it's brilliant fun.

0:35:450:35:47

I'm sure loads of blokes here have done it.

0:35:470:35:50

With a cheer, how many blokes have knocked their knob off their legs?

0:35:500:35:53

CHEERING

0:35:530:35:56

Just one bloke, "Yeah!"

0:35:560:35:58

"It's just me, doesn't stop knocking off, a disgrace."

0:35:580:36:02

Yeah, it's brilliant fun, you should do it if you haven't done it.

0:36:020:36:05

Just in the bathroom, just, chk, chk, chk, chk.

0:36:050:36:07

Chk, chk... Sorry, that's not mine, mine's more...

0:36:070:36:09

Sometimes I spin around in the living room naked

0:36:120:36:16

so the children can jump over it. Yeah?

0:36:160:36:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:190:36:22

"Put your willy back, Dad. Put it back."

0:36:220:36:25

I shouldn't have said that last bit.

0:36:310:36:33

But I love being young, you know?

0:36:350:36:37

Well, I'm not young anymore, I'm 39. Oh, no!

0:36:370:36:40

And it's... "Oh, yeah, you're nearly dead."

0:36:400:36:43

LAUGHTER

0:36:430:36:45

It's unbelievable, like. Because I remember being young.

0:36:450:36:49

When I was young, sex was on tap. It was brilliant.

0:36:490:36:52

Whenever you wanted, "Let's do it." Turn round to your girlfriend, "Let's go."

0:36:520:36:57

"Really? Here?" "Yeah, who cares? Come on." "Chicka-chicka-chicka!"

0:36:570:37:01

It doesn't make that noise, in case there are any young people in here.

0:37:010:37:06

I don't want any young men here going, "Why does it sound like maracas?"

0:37:060:37:10

That would be good fun - behind your wife with a set of maracas.

0:37:120:37:17

MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS

0:37:170:37:19

Actually, I tell you what, lads.

0:37:200:37:23

Feck this! Tomorrow, go and buy a pair of maracas, yeah?

0:37:230:37:27

Go and buy a pair of maracas, right?

0:37:270:37:30

Hide them in the bed covers. Make sure the missus doesn't find them. Hide them in there, OK?

0:37:300:37:36

When you're behind her... This is the telly. There's people watching. We could get in trouble.

0:37:360:37:42

You know when she's like that and you're like that, that way, this way, that way?

0:37:420:37:47

The way that men love, this way, that way? Women hate that way.

0:37:470:37:51

You like the missionary position and men hate that way because we have to look at you and do as we're told.

0:37:510:37:57

At your missus. "I'm watching you, I'm watching you.

0:37:570:38:01

"I've got my eye on you. That's it."

0:38:010:38:05

It's much better, isn't it, lads, on our own, behind? It's great fun. "Come on, yeah!"

0:38:050:38:10

You can do what you want, give yourself the thumbs-up.

0:38:100:38:14

"She can't see it. Yeah, go ahead, do it."

0:38:150:38:18

You could do anything.

0:38:200:38:22

No, the maracas. Yeah, sorry, get the maracas.

0:38:250:38:29

And you're behind the missus. Sneak them out. Don't let her see them.

0:38:290:38:33

Sneak out the maracas and just as you're behind her, start shaking them. Just go...

0:38:330:38:38

MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS

0:38:380:38:40

She's bound to go, "Oh, my God, what the hell is that?"

0:38:400:38:44

Just go, "That's just me banging off your bum."

0:38:440:38:47

LAUGHTER

0:38:470:38:49

Because as I say, sex was brilliant - the madness, going away on dirty weekends.

0:38:490:38:54

Just get into the hotel room, you've kicked the door, you didn't even try the card, throwing your clothes off,

0:38:540:39:01

sticking strawberries up each other's arses, having a laugh,

0:39:010:39:05

rubbing cream on each other. "Here, stick your knob in the wax!" "Why?"

0:39:050:39:10

It was madness. We weren't even thinking, you know?

0:39:130:39:16

Now when you go away with the missus, oh, my God, it's just nuts.

0:39:160:39:21

She's standing there going, "Right, this is going to be a crazy weekend, an absolutely crazy weekend."

0:39:210:39:27

She starts folding the clothes on the chair.

0:39:270:39:30

"Yeah, we're going to go ballistic-arooney here.

0:39:300:39:33

"Oh, it's going to be a lovely, sexy weekend.

0:39:340:39:38

"Should I iron them before I get into bed?"

0:39:380:39:41

Meanwhile, next door, that couple you used to be are going nuts.

0:39:430:39:48

He's banging her head off the headboard.

0:39:480:39:52

I mean, with my wife, the last time I banged her head off the headboard,

0:39:530:39:57

all I got was...boof! "Eh, take it easy...

0:39:570:40:01

"Take it easy there.

0:40:030:40:06

"I didn't ask you to fix the headboard with my head, did I?

0:40:060:40:10

"Now shimmy down. Shimmy down the bed. Shimmy down."

0:40:100:40:14

That's how sad your life gets.

0:40:150:40:18

You can't even bother disconnecting any more.

0:40:180:40:21

Like two flies flying around in the summer having sex,

0:40:210:40:25

"Just shimmy down, I can't be arsed. Shimmy down, shimmy down.

0:40:250:40:29

"Right, off you go, off you go.

0:40:290:40:33

"Take it easy. I said, take it easy, didn't I? Take it easy!

0:40:330:40:36

"Mind the lamps, the bedside lamps. You'll knock them off the bed.

0:40:360:40:41

"Take it easy! The bedside lamps!

0:40:410:40:43

"Right, I'll hold them. You go ahead!

0:40:430:40:46

"Are you enjoying yourself? I hope you're enjoying yourself."

0:40:490:40:53

It's just shit!

0:40:530:40:55

I know what we'll do. I tell you what we'll do.

0:40:550:40:59

Let's bring other instruments into the bedroom.

0:40:590:41:02

Yeah, OK. Oh, yeah, sneak...

0:41:020:41:05

Sneak a... Yeah, sneak a tuba into the bedroom.

0:41:050:41:08

Sneak a tuba. Oh, no, sorry.

0:41:080:41:11

That's a trombone. That's a trombone. Don't sneak a tuba into the bedroom!

0:41:110:41:16

HUMS LOW NOTES

0:41:210:41:24

APPLAUSE

0:41:260:41:28

"Where are you going with that?"

0:41:330:41:36

"What? I was going to put it in the bed covers and hide it."

0:41:360:41:41

No, don't do that. Get a trombone. Get a trombone, right?

0:41:410:41:45

Get it right at her bum there, so she can't...

0:41:450:41:48

She's going to see it. It's a trombone. You're going to get caught.

0:41:480:41:52

You'll probably never have sex ever again, but you'll have the best laugh of your life, right?

0:41:520:41:59

It'll be something to tell your grandchildren one day. "You won't believe what I did to your granny."

0:41:590:42:05

Right, get the trombone and get it right behind her on the bum and just hold it there.

0:42:050:42:10

Then you've got to get this tune right. Practise before you do it.

0:42:100:42:14

You'll only get one bash at this. Hold it at the bum.

0:42:140:42:17

Just as she's getting to the... SINGS HIGH NOTES

0:42:170:42:21

She's going nuts and she's loving it. SINGS HIGH NOTES

0:42:210:42:25

As she's about to explode, you go...

0:42:250:42:27

MIMICS TROMBONE: Buh-uhh-uhh!

0:42:270:42:29

APPLAUSE

0:42:290:42:32

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne, thanks a million!

0:42:320:42:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:360:42:39

Jason Byrne!

0:42:450:42:48

CHEERING

0:42:480:42:50

All it needs for me to do is to ask you to give a massive round of applause

0:42:510:42:57

for the two acts you saw this evening - first, Mr Seann Walsh!

0:42:570:43:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:010:43:03

Mr Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:030:43:07

You have been superb. Thank you very much. Good night!

0:43:070:43:11

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