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This programme contains adult humour. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
# Oh, yeah! # | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight - | 0:00:17 | 0:00:22 | |
Micky Flanagan! | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
Ah! Good evening, 'Ammersmith! What's 'appening? | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
Welcome to Live At The Apollo! CHEERING | 0:00:42 | 0:00:47 | |
Ah... | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Thank you for coming out, people. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
Coming out to central London. Always a pain. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
You get on the Tube. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
Looking at people with flip-flops on. LAUGHTER | 0:01:02 | 0:01:07 | |
I'm a Londoner myself. I get out of town quite a lot. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
People are happy everywhere else. Don't know if you've noticed. "How you doing?" they say. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:18 | |
"All right?" I say, "Just put the pasty in the bag, love." LAUGHTER | 0:01:18 | 0:01:23 | |
"We're all busy people." | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
So we've got Arg here. How you doin', Arg? What's happening, man? | 0:01:27 | 0:01:33 | |
I'll tell you what I did the other day as a bit of respect to the vajazzle. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:39 | |
I put a bit of Pritt Stick all over my bollocks... | 0:01:39 | 0:01:44 | |
dipped them in a bowl of glitter. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Ah! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
My wife was like, "Whoo! | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
"Get that out, man. Get that out." | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
So... | 0:01:57 | 0:01:58 | |
I used to chase women quite a lot. Things were different back then. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:02 | |
You had to go out on the hunt as a man in the '70s. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
You had to put a nice splash of Paco Rabanne on. You'd stand with your mates. There was no Facebook. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:12 | |
None of this nonsense. You went in cold! | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
You went in cold. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
With your mates, Friday night, you've had a couple of pints of lager, shirt ironed, jeans pressed. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:26 | |
You say to your mates, "I'm going to go and get them birds over. When I bring 'em back, don't mess it up." | 0:02:28 | 0:02:34 | |
You walk over to them. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
Evening, ladies. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
I know it must have hurt when you fell from heaven. GROANS | 0:02:42 | 0:02:47 | |
Maybe my friends and I could ease the pain by buying you a few drinks. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:54 | |
No? Fair enough. LAUGHTER | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
Come on, we're going. We've only come in here on lesbian night, haven't we? | 0:02:59 | 0:03:05 | |
It's very nice that women don't have to worry about this nonsense now. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
If they fancy you in a nightclub, you're chatting to her, she says, "Shut up. Shut up! | 0:03:14 | 0:03:20 | |
"I'm going to sleep with you, brother. Calm down." | 0:03:20 | 0:03:25 | |
Takes you home and uses you. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
And you wake up in the morning a bit dishevelled. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
The cat's looking at you. The judgmental cat on the pine dresser. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:37 | |
But the worst thing that's happened, in all the commotion you've forgotten her name. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:49 | |
Now, I'm old-fashioned. I think if you've trumped on someone's fanny, you should remember their name. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:55 | |
It's a bit of a rule of mine. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
So... | 0:04:01 | 0:04:02 | |
Go downstairs, go through the post. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
Thinking! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
I'm a thinker! | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
Crafty, crafty Cockney! | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
I'll just have a look here... | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
Oh, I can't call her The Occupier. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
That would be a bit much. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
But I'm not so old-fashioned. If you've slept with someone very quickly, | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
there may be something beyond lust. So you go on a date on a Wednesday after work. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:40 | |
Don't want to mess your weekend up. LAUGHTER | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
You go Express - Pizza Express. It's too soon for the Hut. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:49 | |
LAUGHTER Hut comes later. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
It's got to be Express, early days. Marblene table, flower. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:58 | |
LAUGHTER It's all going on. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
Now she's thinking, "This geezer's all right. Bit of a stunner, not bad in the bedroom." | 0:05:01 | 0:05:08 | |
Then you start proving you've got half a brain. She thinks, "He's a potential boyfriend!" | 0:05:08 | 0:05:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
"Oooh! Potential boyfriend." | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Suddenly, you're getting this speech halfway through the Four Seasons. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:24 | |
"Listen, can I assure you, it's not my usual practice | 0:05:25 | 0:05:30 | |
"to sleep with men as quickly as I happen to have slept with you?" | 0:05:30 | 0:05:36 | |
And I'm like, "Relax, Home Owner. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
"Relax. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:44 | |
"We've got off to a bit of a shaky start. Let's have a bruschetta!" | 0:05:51 | 0:05:56 | |
So... | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
I'm settled down now. Met a very nice girl ten years ago. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:05 | |
And, um...we were making love about...five years ago... | 0:06:06 | 0:06:12 | |
We've done it since. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
She said, "I want a baby!" | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
I said, "Well, come off the pill, I'll start leaving it in." | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
And so, um... | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
A bit boring, but necessary. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
So... | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
I started leaving it in. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
The child arrived. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
And to do the right thing, we went and bought an overpriced house to store him in for 16 years, | 0:06:38 | 0:06:45 | |
to give him half a chance. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
And we know it's a nice area. And you know why? Because people tend to say hello. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:53 | |
They're trying to create a bit of a village-y feel. Like a village. "Hello!" they say. | 0:06:53 | 0:07:00 | |
"Hello!" They come out the bushes. "Hello!" | 0:07:00 | 0:07:04 | |
I'm not big on the hello. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
I've looked into the whole issue. I'll tell you. Your neighbours either side, if you bump into them, | 0:07:12 | 0:07:18 | |
you have to say hello. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
If you come out late at night - | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
you're doing your recycling late, cos you shouldn't have that many bottles... | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
You go out late, crafty, don't ya? | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
And they come out - "Ooh... Did you have a party?" | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
"No, we're functioning alcoholics. Now, piss off." | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
A few doors either side of these people, these are optional. Optional. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:49 | |
They're neighbourly. Neighbourly. "Yes, hello!" | 0:07:49 | 0:07:54 | |
Beyond that, bollocks to them. LAUGHTER | 0:07:54 | 0:07:58 | |
It goes for two or three doors. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
Then you have an odd mark in your street, wants to say hello to everyone for no apparent reason. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:05 | |
We've got one. He's an old boy. He's got a rather sporty car. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:10 | |
And he shows out. "Hello! Hello..." | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
I've blanked him for about three years. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
But the other day I'd had a couple of pints of Stella "Artorise". | 0:08:16 | 0:08:21 | |
It's a continental lager. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:24 | |
And contrary to popular belief, it made me quite benevolent. I got quite friendly. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:30 | |
I cracked. I went past, I said hello and we had a chat about his motor. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:36 | |
Now we're mates. Now I've got to say hello to him for the rest of my life. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:42 | |
And this is what it can lead to. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
Went to drop the little boy off at his school. His Montessori school. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:48 | |
Where he learns through play. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
For £50 a day. LAUGHTER | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
Very giving people there, they are. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
And I saw him. "Morning," we said. "Morning! Morning!" | 0:08:57 | 0:09:02 | |
The big "good morning". Went indoors, had to get a pint of milk. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
He's coming down the road again. The second meet's a bit awkward. You've done your big "good morning". | 0:09:06 | 0:09:12 | |
So we did what you do - the big eyebrow raise. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:17 | |
"Fancy bumping into you again. What a crazy world we live in." | 0:09:17 | 0:09:21 | |
Went indoors. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
Ink cartridge has run out. I need another one. I'm going to the stationer's. He's coming again! | 0:09:23 | 0:09:30 | |
The third meet is one of the toughest social situations known to mankind. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:36 | |
But he knew the rules, as did I. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
We strapped in. As we passed each other, I said, "You're not following me, are you?" | 0:09:39 | 0:09:45 | |
He said, "We have to stop meeting like this!" | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
That's your standard cover for your third meet. Internationally known and respected. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:55 | |
But there's no cover for four. It's never been found. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:59 | |
I'm now trapped in the house for 24 hours before we're back on "hello". | 0:10:00 | 0:10:05 | |
Fair enough. Don't want to go out anyway. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:09 | |
My wife, though, she said, "Pick my dress up from the cleaner's." I said, "No." | 0:10:09 | 0:10:14 | |
"What do you mean, no?!" I said, "You know the old boy with the sporty car? We say hello now. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:19 | |
"I've seen him three times already today. As you know, there's no cover for four." | 0:10:19 | 0:10:26 | |
She said, "I don't know what you're talking about. Go and get the dress, you arsehole!" | 0:10:28 | 0:10:34 | |
So I'm in a dodgy situation. I'll tell you what it led me to do, people. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:40 | |
For the first time in my adult life I've reached the position | 0:10:40 | 0:10:45 | |
where I'm peeping out of my own curtains. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
My aim being to see the old man leave his home and I shall run to the cleaner's and get back. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:58 | |
And I'm peeping. I made a discovery. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:03 | |
Peeping is fun. LAUGHTER | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
Because you're in a powerful position as a peeper. You're looking at people. They don't know. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:15 | |
However, the real fun starts when you're caught peeping. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:21 | |
LAUGHTER Cos a power struggle ensues between you, the peeper, | 0:11:21 | 0:11:26 | |
and what we'll now call the peepee. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Cos the peepee seizes power. They say, "A-ha! I've caught a geezer peeping!" | 0:11:31 | 0:11:37 | |
At that point, you are duty bound to do one of two things. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:45 | |
You come out of the peep and start messing about with the window, thus throwing it into some doubt. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:51 | |
Your second option, and the far more common, is the good old-fashioned hide. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:56 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
So I'm pushing on. I'm loving the peeping. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
I made a discovery. I discovered the most fun you can have. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:11 | |
You're peeping. Fair enough. It's your right. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:16 | |
You're caught peeping. The peepee seizes power! | 0:12:16 | 0:12:20 | |
They go, "A-ha! I've caught a geezer peeping." | 0:12:20 | 0:12:25 | |
At that point they expect you to come out or hide. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:29 | |
For maximum fun at that point, | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
you maintain the peep. LAUGHTER | 0:12:33 | 0:12:37 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
This takes it to a whole new level. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
It's not for everyone. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
So, holiday time's over. Not a big fan of holidays. Never have been. | 0:12:55 | 0:13:00 | |
You go on holiday - what are people doing? They're walking about... | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
Having something to eat. "Shall we have something to eat?" | 0:13:06 | 0:13:11 | |
The only place I'll go is Spain. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
We conquered Spain in the '70s, didn't we? We turned up, we said, "We like it here. It's all right. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:22 | |
"It's all right. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
"But you're going to have to make a few changes. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
"Cos there's no bingo in the evening... | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
"..the set breakfasts are a bit ropey... | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
"and I couldn't get a roast on Sunday. Now, sort it out!" | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
"We don't mind a Spanish night, but just the one, midweek. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
"Get it out the way." | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
But there was a fear of going to Spain, a monumental fear. I'll tell you what it was. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:53 | |
The shits. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
The fear of the shits was monumental. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
You'd say to people, "We're going Benidorm this year." | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
They'd go, "Oooh... | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
"You'll get the shits." | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
You'd go, "Yeah, but you can rely on the weather." | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
You'd go to Spain - you'd get the shits. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
But largely over the last 25, 30 years it's disappeared, hasn't it? | 0:14:14 | 0:14:19 | |
You go to Spain, it's all right. You come back, no mention of the shits. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
You've got to go more long haul now to get the shits. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
You've got to go more international. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
About a year and a half ago I was invited to India, | 0:14:32 | 0:14:36 | |
to a little town called Mumbai... | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
Bombay for the older people. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
They do a lovely mix. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
And anyway, when I've turned up, they've pulled me to one side | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
and said, "Be careful here, Mick - we've got a thing called Delhi belly, | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
"it's a bit tasty. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:54 | |
"You get it, you're going to know all about it, mate." | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
They said, "Don't have ice in your drinks, don't be eating the salads." | 0:14:58 | 0:15:02 | |
I said, "You're all right, I've been going to Spain for about 30 years. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:06 | |
"I'm covered for all eventualities!" | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
So I'm having ice in my drinks, I'm having the salad, | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
I'm washing in the river... | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
I embrace local culture! | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
Day three. About 10:30, after one of the shows. I looked at my mate Paul - | 0:15:25 | 0:15:30 | |
I said, "Paul, I don't feel right, mate. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
"Something ain't right. I'm a regular man, I go in the morning. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:38 | |
"I feel like I need to go now." | 0:15:40 | 0:15:41 | |
He said, "Well, go then, go!" | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
So I went to the toilet. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
And with the gentlest of pushes... | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
..the world fell out of my arse. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:55 | |
It's terrifying. You don't know where it's coming from. You start panicking. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:06 | |
You think you're going to empty. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
I thought, "I'm going to end up a costume of a man." | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
I went out to my mate Paul, I said, "I'm bang in trouble, mate." | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
He said, "What's up?" I said "All this dirty water's coming out of me." | 0:16:20 | 0:16:24 | |
He said, "How bad is it?" I said, "Put it this way. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
"Have you ever emptied an old radiator?" | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
He said, "Shut up, come and have a drink." | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
I said, "I can't, mate, I've got about ten seconds between when I THINK I'm going to shit myself... | 0:16:34 | 0:16:39 | |
"and when I will." I said, "This ain't no disco, man. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:43 | |
"This ain't no party. This ain't no fooling around. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
"No time for lovey." Anyway... | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
Couple of days later I got revenge. He phoned me up from his sick bed, room to room, | 0:16:51 | 0:16:56 | |
at 10:30 in the morning. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
He said, "Mick...I got it." | 0:16:58 | 0:16:59 | |
I said, "A-ha! How bad is it?" | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
He said, "Put it this way. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
"I've just farted... | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
"..and some of it's sprayed on me pillow!" | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
That's proper! | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
Enjoy your snacks on the way home. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
So... we have to bring on our first guest of the evening. He's superb. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:34 | |
Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
Please welcome to this stage, Mr Seann Walsh! | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
CHEERING | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
Hello, Apollo! | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
It's good to be here. Nice to be in London. Well done for coming out. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:02 | |
Travelling through London. Very stressful, very tense. Well done. I couldn't live here. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:08 | |
I tried to move here towards the end of last year and I lasted about five minutes, | 0:18:08 | 0:18:14 | |
which in most towns isn't a long amount of time. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:18 | |
But my God, your faces when it says "five minutes" for the Tube. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
It's like it says that your flight to Barbados has been cancelled forever. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
It's so stressful living here. You are the best at rushing. Do you know how good you are?! | 0:18:40 | 0:18:46 | |
You see a gap that big and think, "I'm getting through that gap!" | 0:18:46 | 0:18:51 | |
You jump to emphasise! It's amazing! | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
It's incredible! | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
It's so hectic here! | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
And it's exhausting, isn't it? It's very tiring. One day in London - knackered! | 0:19:03 | 0:19:10 | |
You can tell that people are knackered because they can fall asleep on the Tube standing up! | 0:19:10 | 0:19:16 | |
Then the bloke wakes up when the Tube stops. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
What? | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
That's the wrong order, isn't it? | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
You see it every time, a bloke just standing... | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
Yeah, that's me, thank you. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
What? | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
What's going on? | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
That's the wrong order. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
That's like when your dad wakes up when you turn OFF the television. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:25 | |
"I was watching that." "No, you weren't!" | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
I love watching television. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
I hate losing the remote control. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
Even if I'm not the one looking for it. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
Because the house just goes crazy. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
Why does no-one believe you when you say you are not sitting on the remote control? | 0:20:41 | 0:20:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
"I am not sitting on it! | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
"Leave me alone!" "Come on, just get up." | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
"I'm not! I told you! I would be able to feel it! Leave me alone!" | 0:20:54 | 0:20:58 | |
"Just get up." "I'm not getting up. I'm comfortable. Leave me alone!" | 0:20:58 | 0:21:03 | |
"Just get up." "Please go away." "Just get up." "Oh, for God's... | 0:21:03 | 0:21:07 | |
"Sorry, there you go. Sorry. Sorry. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
"I'm sorry. My arse can't feel it." For some reason, your arse can't feel a remote control. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:16 | |
"I'm very sorry. I'm sorry." | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
But a lot of people are cutting down on watching television. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:23 | |
You don't lose the remote control. People watch programmes on the laptop. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:28 | |
I got the laptop. This has made me so lazy. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
This is ruining my life. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
I don't even turn mine off any more. Do you? | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
I just close it. I can't be bothered with all that "shut down - are you sure?" Questions, questions! | 0:21:37 | 0:21:44 | |
Leave me alone! | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
Mine's been on for years! | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
The poor thing's there just going, "I'm boiling! | 0:21:50 | 0:21:54 | |
"Please turn me off! | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
"Even the oven gets a break! Come on!" | 0:21:58 | 0:22:03 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
I got the laptop because I thought, "This will be brilliant. I'll have a computer on the move. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:16 | |
"I'll have a computer on the go. I'll be able to use the computer in the cafe, on the train like that. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:22 | |
"It'll be brilliant." | 0:22:22 | 0:22:23 | |
The only time I ever use my laptop, just like anyone else, is lying down in bed. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:30 | |
"That's it. I'm not moving. That's it." | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
It's not even a laptop any more, is it? When was the last time you put it on your lap? | 0:22:33 | 0:22:37 | |
It's a crotchtop! That's what it is. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
It's just there, burning your balls... | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
Sperm going, "Agh, that's hot! Agh! I can't breathe, stop!" | 0:22:43 | 0:22:48 | |
You just lie there in that disgusting position. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
You know that position in bed that every one of your friends sees you in on Skype? | 0:22:52 | 0:22:58 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
Hello. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
Yeah... | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
When you can't see them on Skype... You won't talk to them unless you can see them. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:15 | |
"Where are you? Where are you? Where are YOU? Where are you?" | 0:23:15 | 0:23:19 | |
When they pop up, you're not looking at them. You're looking at a picture of yourself. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:24 | |
You can't believe how much you look like a bear. "Why do I look so disgusting? Help me!" | 0:23:24 | 0:23:30 | |
That's the night-time position, that one. That's the night-time. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:34 | |
The daytime one is on the side, laptop on the bed like that. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
Looks like you're on Babestation. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
"Call me. Call me. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
"Call me. Make sure you call me. Call me." | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
You know you get uncomfortable in bed and you want to turn round? | 0:23:50 | 0:23:54 | |
With the laptop, you just go like that. "That's better, watch it like that." You take that for granted. | 0:23:54 | 0:24:00 | |
Remember as a kid watching a film at night, TV on the side of the room, going, "I'm really enjoying this... | 0:24:00 | 0:24:06 | |
"I really want to turn round!" | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
You'd convince yourself that you'd listen for a bit... | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
"I'll just turn round for a bit and listen." | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
MIMICS SNORING | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
I can't get off the laptop. I can't get off any of these popular sites. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:33 | |
Facebook, yeah? | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
I'm just like everyone else. I hate Facebook. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:39 | |
Can't get off the thing! | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
I can't get off it. It's horrible. I hate it. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
The only redeeming feature that Facebook has is when you go to use it around a friend's | 0:24:46 | 0:24:52 | |
and they've left theirs logged in. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
You "frape" them. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
This is what you do. If you don't know what "fraping" is, it's approaching somebody you care about, | 0:25:08 | 0:25:14 | |
someone that you love, approaching their laptop, a best friend, | 0:25:14 | 0:25:18 | |
going into their status update, writing anything, and making out that they've said it. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:24 | |
Fantastic. You could use your imagination. Write anything! | 0:25:24 | 0:25:28 | |
But we all write the same thing. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
"I love cock." | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
All these things, our lives are changing so quickly. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
Even...games consoles now. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:50 | |
Games consoles. Even games consoles are changing rapidly. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:55 | |
All these new consoles - the Nintendo Wii, the Xbox Kinect - | 0:25:55 | 0:25:59 | |
they're designed so that you actually have to do the thing! | 0:25:59 | 0:26:03 | |
So it's taking the point away from the games console. Isn't it? | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
I bought this so I don't have to go out and do the thing. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
It's like buying a film then you have to act it out yourself. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
Open the DVD case, there's a script. What the HELL is this?! | 0:26:19 | 0:26:23 | |
I prefer the old consoles. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
Like the Megadrive. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
CHEERING Yes. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
# Sega. # | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
# Sega | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
# Sega. # | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
Remember you'd go try and play it late without your mum knowing. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
Turn on the television, forget the volume's up. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
# SEGA! # | 0:26:50 | 0:26:51 | |
Megadrive - those were the days, those were the days. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:01 | |
When something didn't work... | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
you blew into it. LAUGHTER | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
HE BLOWS FORCEFULY | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
Your friends thought they were better at it than you. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
"No, you do it upwards, here." HE BLOWS FORCEFULY | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
Or down. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:24 | |
Even the video machine - when a film's not working. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
There'd be one person nominated to get up off the sofa. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:33 | |
"Ah, for God's sake." | 0:27:33 | 0:27:34 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
Have to push open the flap. HE BLOWS FORCEFULY | 0:27:43 | 0:27:47 | |
My favourite game on the Megadrive was Mortal Kombat. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:55 | |
CHEERING | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
This was...this was the beat-'em-up. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
Two men fighting, lot of parents said, | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
"These games, they encourage violence. They encourage violence, | 0:28:03 | 0:28:07 | |
"kids are going to start fighting if they play these games." | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
I think that's true. I do, I think that's true | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
because if my brother beat me I'd try and kill him. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
Proper sibling fights. Proper sibling fi... | 0:28:16 | 0:28:19 | |
When you were about 10, you didn't know how to fight. | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 | |
Thumb inside the fist, sideways. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:24 | |
Teeth...over the bottom of the mouth. | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
Not the face, not the face! | 0:28:28 | 0:28:31 | |
Not the face, not the face! | 0:28:31 | 0:28:32 | |
Whoever won the sibling fight | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
was always the kid that could run to the sofa first... | 0:28:34 | 0:28:38 | |
jump back... | 0:28:38 | 0:28:40 | |
and just kick out. | 0:28:40 | 0:28:41 | |
That was it, wasn't it? That was the special move. | 0:28:41 | 0:28:44 | |
You couldn't beat that. HE TRILLS | 0:28:44 | 0:28:46 | |
You couldn't beat that now. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:49 | |
People should still fight like that, shouldn't they? | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 | |
Be brilliant! | 0:28:52 | 0:28:54 | |
Blokes outside Wetherspoons on a Friday night, | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 | |
"Oh, you want some? You go first. | 0:28:56 | 0:28:59 | |
"You go. Go on." | 0:28:59 | 0:29:00 | |
Mortal Kombat. | 0:29:14 | 0:29:15 | |
Mortal Kombat, it was my favourite beat-'em-up. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:17 | |
The difference between this beat-'em-up and any other beat-'em-up | 0:29:17 | 0:29:21 | |
was you didn't just beat your opponent until he died. | 0:29:21 | 0:29:24 | |
You beat him into a coma... | 0:29:24 | 0:29:25 | |
..where you could do anything you wanted to him. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:29 | |
Remember this? | 0:29:29 | 0:29:30 | |
FINISH HIM! | 0:29:30 | 0:29:33 | |
This gave you about 10 seconds to type in the secret combo | 0:29:46 | 0:29:49 | |
that would kill your opponent in spectacular fashion. | 0:29:49 | 0:29:52 | |
The problem was, no-one knew the secret combo, did they? | 0:29:52 | 0:29:56 | |
No-one had a clue. | 0:29:56 | 0:29:58 | |
You'd just be there going, "Come on, come on." | 0:29:58 | 0:30:00 | |
"Come on. Come on!" All that happened was it went, "FINISH HIM!" | 0:30:00 | 0:30:04 | |
You had one bloke on one side of the screen just going, | 0:30:04 | 0:30:07 | |
"I'm off my nut." | 0:30:07 | 0:30:09 | |
And 10 yards down the other side of the screen | 0:30:11 | 0:30:14 | |
your guy just going, "I don't know what I'm doing." | 0:30:14 | 0:30:17 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:17 | 0:30:20 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:27 | 0:30:30 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. I've been Seann Walsh. Good night! | 0:30:35 | 0:30:41 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:41 | 0:30:43 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, we have the second comedian for you this evening. | 0:30:55 | 0:31:00 | |
Please welcome to the stage Mr Jason Byrne! | 0:31:00 | 0:31:05 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:31:05 | 0:31:07 | |
Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello! | 0:31:17 | 0:31:20 | |
The last time I was on Live At The Apollo, | 0:31:20 | 0:31:24 | |
and I'm pretty well known in Britain for a very odd thing now, | 0:31:24 | 0:31:28 | |
and it's for having a cockeye. | 0:31:28 | 0:31:30 | |
Or a turned-in eye or a squint. | 0:31:31 | 0:31:34 | |
Cos I did this material the last time I was here about having a cockeye and a squint | 0:31:34 | 0:31:39 | |
and it's now made me famous in Britain. | 0:31:39 | 0:31:42 | |
It's a bit shit being famous for something like that cos I haven't written any cool songs or anything. | 0:31:42 | 0:31:48 | |
-Has anybody in this room got a cockeye or a squint? -Yeah! | 0:31:48 | 0:31:53 | |
Look, see! It's brilliant because I've brought them out. | 0:31:53 | 0:31:57 | |
Normally, your eye will turn in if you get excited. It's really handy when I'm in bed with my wife | 0:31:57 | 0:32:02 | |
and I'm making love to her and my eye is literally facing my nose. | 0:32:02 | 0:32:06 | |
It's going... | 0:32:06 | 0:32:08 | |
"Is this OK, is it? Is this OK, yeah?" | 0:32:08 | 0:32:11 | |
I'm so excited, I don't know my eye has turned in. | 0:32:11 | 0:32:15 | |
She's just going, "Just get off me, just get off me. I can't stop laughing. Get off me. | 0:32:15 | 0:32:21 | |
"Go and get your patch." I have a patch. I have to wear a patch in bed. | 0:32:21 | 0:32:26 | |
It's like a pirate's patch. It's humiliating. Back in, off I go again. | 0:32:26 | 0:32:31 | |
We have two little boys as well. | 0:32:34 | 0:32:36 | |
And it's like... Well, we don't, I have two little boys, | 0:32:36 | 0:32:39 | |
my wife has three boys and I'm one of them. | 0:32:39 | 0:32:42 | |
That's just what happens, you know? | 0:32:43 | 0:32:45 | |
Normally, at breakfast time there's three of us | 0:32:45 | 0:32:47 | |
in the kitchen in our pyjamas. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:49 | |
Waiting for my wife to get up, just... | 0:32:49 | 0:32:51 | |
"She'll be up in a minute, lads, she'll be up in a minute." | 0:32:58 | 0:33:00 | |
"I'm hungry, are you hungry?" | 0:33:01 | 0:33:03 | |
"I'm eating first, do you hear me?!" | 0:33:05 | 0:33:07 | |
But yeah, my kids, you know, they're amazing. And they do weird... | 0:33:10 | 0:33:13 | |
Like, I don't believe that people who have to go | 0:33:13 | 0:33:15 | |
and train to look after kids, | 0:33:15 | 0:33:16 | |
you can't train how to look after kids, | 0:33:16 | 0:33:18 | |
you have to live with them cos they're mad, right? | 0:33:18 | 0:33:20 | |
They try to kill themselves all the time | 0:33:20 | 0:33:23 | |
and do mad stuff and eat dangerous things, | 0:33:23 | 0:33:25 | |
like, no college is ever going to teach you that stuff. | 0:33:25 | 0:33:28 | |
All they teach you is here's a two-year-old, | 0:33:28 | 0:33:30 | |
you put him on the ground and you just open his nappy gently, | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
just clean him, help him up and then he walks away gently. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
They never do that. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:37 | |
My kid when he was in nappies would just stand in front of me going, | 0:33:37 | 0:33:40 | |
"Come on, Dad, yeah." | 0:33:40 | 0:33:41 | |
"Change my nappy, Dad, change my nappy." | 0:33:41 | 0:33:43 | |
"Come on, Dad, get my nappy. Quickly, before it comes off." | 0:33:43 | 0:33:48 | |
And it was heft with poo, full of poo, right? | 0:33:48 | 0:33:50 | |
Because I was looking after him and I'm thinking, | 0:33:52 | 0:33:54 | |
"Yeah, yeah. Six or seven more poos will definitely fit in there, yeah?" | 0:33:54 | 0:33:57 | |
If that was his mother, after one he would have been cleaned. | 0:33:59 | 0:34:03 | |
No way! Load it up. | 0:34:03 | 0:34:05 | |
Load it up and just let it fall off naturally, right? | 0:34:05 | 0:34:07 | |
They're amazing what they do. My other kid when he was about eight, | 0:34:10 | 0:34:14 | |
I was watching a match with my mates. | 0:34:14 | 0:34:17 | |
Sitting there watching the television, OK? | 0:34:17 | 0:34:19 | |
And he came running in, naked, | 0:34:19 | 0:34:22 | |
stood in front of the screen, | 0:34:22 | 0:34:23 | |
faced my mates and went, | 0:34:23 | 0:34:25 | |
"Willy, willy, willy, willy, willy, willy!" | 0:34:25 | 0:34:27 | |
"There it is! There it is!" | 0:34:27 | 0:34:30 | |
And ran out of the room! | 0:34:30 | 0:34:31 | |
My mates are going, "What the hell was that?!" | 0:34:34 | 0:34:37 | |
I'm going, "I don't know. | 0:34:37 | 0:34:39 | |
"I've never seen him do that, what the hell did he do that for?" Cos little boys are nuts. | 0:34:39 | 0:34:44 | |
And then I found him and his little brother a few days later | 0:34:44 | 0:34:46 | |
with their willies out, just having a laugh, | 0:34:46 | 0:34:48 | |
just going, "Yeah, come on." | 0:34:48 | 0:34:50 | |
"Get your willies out, lads, yeah. Willy, willy. Willy, willy." | 0:34:51 | 0:34:54 | |
"Yeah, willy willy. Yeah, willy willy." | 0:34:54 | 0:34:56 | |
And I couldn't join in, cos apparently it's illegal, right? | 0:34:57 | 0:35:00 | |
But I can tell you, one day I'm going to do it. | 0:35:03 | 0:35:05 | |
When their mother's out I'm going to get me and the lads either side of me | 0:35:05 | 0:35:09 | |
with their willies out, bit of music on the telly. | 0:35:09 | 0:35:11 | |
"Yeah, come on, let's go, yeah." | 0:35:11 | 0:35:12 | |
Come on, lads, willy, willy. Willy, willy. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:14 | |
"Willy, willy, Father?" | 0:35:14 | 0:35:16 | |
"Willy, willy, son. Yeah, come on, yeah." | 0:35:16 | 0:35:19 | |
"Willy, willy. Willy, willy." | 0:35:19 | 0:35:20 | |
Oh, what am I talking about? | 0:35:20 | 0:35:22 | |
Fecking willies. | 0:35:24 | 0:35:25 | |
But men, we can't help it though, we love our willies. | 0:35:28 | 0:35:30 | |
Do you know what I mean? We're always at it. We're always AT it. | 0:35:30 | 0:35:33 | |
We're at it all the time, you know what I mean? | 0:35:33 | 0:35:36 | |
Like, there's loads of blokes here that on their own in the bathroom | 0:35:36 | 0:35:40 | |
just bang your willy off your legs, just bored. | 0:35:40 | 0:35:42 | |
Just going, chk, chk, chk, chk. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:45 | |
Chk, chk, chk, chk, it's brilliant fun. | 0:35:45 | 0:35:47 | |
I'm sure loads of blokes here have done it. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:50 | |
With a cheer, how many blokes have knocked their knob off their legs? | 0:35:50 | 0:35:53 | |
CHEERING | 0:35:53 | 0:35:56 | |
Just one bloke, "Yeah!" | 0:35:56 | 0:35:58 | |
"It's just me, doesn't stop knocking off, a disgrace." | 0:35:58 | 0:36:02 | |
Yeah, it's brilliant fun, you should do it if you haven't done it. | 0:36:02 | 0:36:05 | |
Just in the bathroom, just, chk, chk, chk, chk. | 0:36:05 | 0:36:07 | |
Chk, chk... Sorry, that's not mine, mine's more... | 0:36:07 | 0:36:09 | |
Sometimes I spin around in the living room naked | 0:36:12 | 0:36:16 | |
so the children can jump over it. Yeah? | 0:36:16 | 0:36:19 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:36:19 | 0:36:22 | |
"Put your willy back, Dad. Put it back." | 0:36:22 | 0:36:25 | |
I shouldn't have said that last bit. | 0:36:31 | 0:36:33 | |
But I love being young, you know? | 0:36:35 | 0:36:37 | |
Well, I'm not young anymore, I'm 39. Oh, no! | 0:36:37 | 0:36:40 | |
And it's... "Oh, yeah, you're nearly dead." | 0:36:40 | 0:36:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:36:43 | 0:36:45 | |
It's unbelievable, like. Because I remember being young. | 0:36:45 | 0:36:49 | |
When I was young, sex was on tap. It was brilliant. | 0:36:49 | 0:36:52 | |
Whenever you wanted, "Let's do it." Turn round to your girlfriend, "Let's go." | 0:36:52 | 0:36:57 | |
"Really? Here?" "Yeah, who cares? Come on." "Chicka-chicka-chicka!" | 0:36:57 | 0:37:01 | |
It doesn't make that noise, in case there are any young people in here. | 0:37:01 | 0:37:06 | |
I don't want any young men here going, "Why does it sound like maracas?" | 0:37:06 | 0:37:10 | |
That would be good fun - behind your wife with a set of maracas. | 0:37:12 | 0:37:17 | |
MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
Actually, I tell you what, lads. | 0:37:20 | 0:37:23 | |
Feck this! Tomorrow, go and buy a pair of maracas, yeah? | 0:37:23 | 0:37:27 | |
Go and buy a pair of maracas, right? | 0:37:27 | 0:37:30 | |
Hide them in the bed covers. Make sure the missus doesn't find them. Hide them in there, OK? | 0:37:30 | 0:37:36 | |
When you're behind her... This is the telly. There's people watching. We could get in trouble. | 0:37:36 | 0:37:42 | |
You know when she's like that and you're like that, that way, this way, that way? | 0:37:42 | 0:37:47 | |
The way that men love, this way, that way? Women hate that way. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:51 | |
You like the missionary position and men hate that way because we have to look at you and do as we're told. | 0:37:51 | 0:37:57 | |
At your missus. "I'm watching you, I'm watching you. | 0:37:57 | 0:38:01 | |
"I've got my eye on you. That's it." | 0:38:01 | 0:38:05 | |
It's much better, isn't it, lads, on our own, behind? It's great fun. "Come on, yeah!" | 0:38:05 | 0:38:10 | |
You can do what you want, give yourself the thumbs-up. | 0:38:10 | 0:38:14 | |
"She can't see it. Yeah, go ahead, do it." | 0:38:15 | 0:38:18 | |
You could do anything. | 0:38:20 | 0:38:22 | |
No, the maracas. Yeah, sorry, get the maracas. | 0:38:25 | 0:38:29 | |
And you're behind the missus. Sneak them out. Don't let her see them. | 0:38:29 | 0:38:33 | |
Sneak out the maracas and just as you're behind her, start shaking them. Just go... | 0:38:33 | 0:38:38 | |
MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS | 0:38:38 | 0:38:40 | |
She's bound to go, "Oh, my God, what the hell is that?" | 0:38:40 | 0:38:44 | |
Just go, "That's just me banging off your bum." | 0:38:44 | 0:38:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:47 | 0:38:49 | |
Because as I say, sex was brilliant - the madness, going away on dirty weekends. | 0:38:49 | 0:38:54 | |
Just get into the hotel room, you've kicked the door, you didn't even try the card, throwing your clothes off, | 0:38:54 | 0:39:01 | |
sticking strawberries up each other's arses, having a laugh, | 0:39:01 | 0:39:05 | |
rubbing cream on each other. "Here, stick your knob in the wax!" "Why?" | 0:39:05 | 0:39:10 | |
It was madness. We weren't even thinking, you know? | 0:39:13 | 0:39:16 | |
Now when you go away with the missus, oh, my God, it's just nuts. | 0:39:16 | 0:39:21 | |
She's standing there going, "Right, this is going to be a crazy weekend, an absolutely crazy weekend." | 0:39:21 | 0:39:27 | |
She starts folding the clothes on the chair. | 0:39:27 | 0:39:30 | |
"Yeah, we're going to go ballistic-arooney here. | 0:39:30 | 0:39:33 | |
"Oh, it's going to be a lovely, sexy weekend. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:38 | |
"Should I iron them before I get into bed?" | 0:39:38 | 0:39:41 | |
Meanwhile, next door, that couple you used to be are going nuts. | 0:39:43 | 0:39:48 | |
He's banging her head off the headboard. | 0:39:48 | 0:39:52 | |
I mean, with my wife, the last time I banged her head off the headboard, | 0:39:53 | 0:39:57 | |
all I got was...boof! "Eh, take it easy... | 0:39:57 | 0:40:01 | |
"Take it easy there. | 0:40:03 | 0:40:06 | |
"I didn't ask you to fix the headboard with my head, did I? | 0:40:06 | 0:40:10 | |
"Now shimmy down. Shimmy down the bed. Shimmy down." | 0:40:10 | 0:40:14 | |
That's how sad your life gets. | 0:40:15 | 0:40:18 | |
You can't even bother disconnecting any more. | 0:40:18 | 0:40:21 | |
Like two flies flying around in the summer having sex, | 0:40:21 | 0:40:25 | |
"Just shimmy down, I can't be arsed. Shimmy down, shimmy down. | 0:40:25 | 0:40:29 | |
"Right, off you go, off you go. | 0:40:29 | 0:40:33 | |
"Take it easy. I said, take it easy, didn't I? Take it easy! | 0:40:33 | 0:40:36 | |
"Mind the lamps, the bedside lamps. You'll knock them off the bed. | 0:40:36 | 0:40:41 | |
"Take it easy! The bedside lamps! | 0:40:41 | 0:40:43 | |
"Right, I'll hold them. You go ahead! | 0:40:43 | 0:40:46 | |
"Are you enjoying yourself? I hope you're enjoying yourself." | 0:40:49 | 0:40:53 | |
It's just shit! | 0:40:53 | 0:40:55 | |
I know what we'll do. I tell you what we'll do. | 0:40:55 | 0:40:59 | |
Let's bring other instruments into the bedroom. | 0:40:59 | 0:41:02 | |
Yeah, OK. Oh, yeah, sneak... | 0:41:02 | 0:41:05 | |
Sneak a... Yeah, sneak a tuba into the bedroom. | 0:41:05 | 0:41:08 | |
Sneak a tuba. Oh, no, sorry. | 0:41:08 | 0:41:11 | |
That's a trombone. That's a trombone. Don't sneak a tuba into the bedroom! | 0:41:11 | 0:41:16 | |
HUMS LOW NOTES | 0:41:21 | 0:41:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:41:26 | 0:41:28 | |
"Where are you going with that?" | 0:41:33 | 0:41:36 | |
"What? I was going to put it in the bed covers and hide it." | 0:41:36 | 0:41:41 | |
No, don't do that. Get a trombone. Get a trombone, right? | 0:41:41 | 0:41:45 | |
Get it right at her bum there, so she can't... | 0:41:45 | 0:41:48 | |
She's going to see it. It's a trombone. You're going to get caught. | 0:41:48 | 0:41:52 | |
You'll probably never have sex ever again, but you'll have the best laugh of your life, right? | 0:41:52 | 0:41:59 | |
It'll be something to tell your grandchildren one day. "You won't believe what I did to your granny." | 0:41:59 | 0:42:05 | |
Right, get the trombone and get it right behind her on the bum and just hold it there. | 0:42:05 | 0:42:10 | |
Then you've got to get this tune right. Practise before you do it. | 0:42:10 | 0:42:14 | |
You'll only get one bash at this. Hold it at the bum. | 0:42:14 | 0:42:17 | |
Just as she's getting to the... SINGS HIGH NOTES | 0:42:17 | 0:42:21 | |
She's going nuts and she's loving it. SINGS HIGH NOTES | 0:42:21 | 0:42:25 | |
As she's about to explode, you go... | 0:42:25 | 0:42:27 | |
MIMICS TROMBONE: Buh-uhh-uhh! | 0:42:27 | 0:42:29 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:29 | 0:42:32 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne, thanks a million! | 0:42:32 | 0:42:36 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:36 | 0:42:39 | |
Jason Byrne! | 0:42:45 | 0:42:48 | |
CHEERING | 0:42:48 | 0:42:50 | |
All it needs for me to do is to ask you to give a massive round of applause | 0:42:51 | 0:42:57 | |
for the two acts you saw this evening - first, Mr Seann Walsh! | 0:42:57 | 0:43:01 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:01 | 0:43:03 | |
Mr Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:03 | 0:43:07 | |
You have been superb. Thank you very much. Good night! | 0:43:07 | 0:43:11 |