Episode 3 Live at the Apollo


Episode 3

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Transcript


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'Ladies and gentlemen,

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'please welcome your host for tonight,

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'Alan Carr!'

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, how lovely!

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Oh!

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Oh, Hammersmith!

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Ah!

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Welcome to Live At The Apollo. I'm your host, Alan Carr.

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING

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Woohoo! Thank you.

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I'm not a sheepdog.

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I visited my nan the other day. You got to visit your nan, ain't ya?

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-ALL: Yes!

-Yeah. I went to see her, bless her.

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She was sucking the chocolate off a Crunchie to send to Cash for Gold.

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I don't know how much money pensioners get.

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Honestly, she's got herself a 3D HD plasma screen in her lounge.

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Honestly, it's huge. It's huge.

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The people on the screen are bigger than she is.

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The council drove by, thought she was subletting to Poirot.

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Honestly, but she loves it, though. All this technology.

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I'm the other way. I'm going...

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You're going to think I'm mad, but you know what I can't stand?

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Digital cameras.

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I like the old ones, know what I mean?

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I don't like to get the image instantly,

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I like to wait to get back from the holiday

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before I realise I'm fat and pasty, yeah?

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People show you it, don't they? "Oh, yes!

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"Great the way me back fat's poking through the slots of the sun lounger!"

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Got screensaver written all over it, hasn't it?

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They're inventing things that I don't even know what they are.

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Wi-Fi printers, have you heard about this? I don't know what they are.

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You can print from your computer to any printer,

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wherever it is, in the world.

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My printer don't work when it's connected to the sodding computer.

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They're back to back in a loveless relationship.

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"If you think I'm printing that, you've got another thing coming."

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"Don't take that toner with me."

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I like that pun, I like it.

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I like it.

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What celebs have we got here?

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Hello, Eamonn. Eamonn and Ruth, come on.

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APPLAUSE

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Olly Murs.

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CHEERING

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And little Geordie Joe sneaked in behind you.

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X Factor fantasy of mine.

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Hello, love. Can I just say I love you? You know his skinny fit jeans?

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He's got the image. Olly is the image I want.

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Ain't he lovely? He's gorgeous.

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SHOUTS OF APPROVAL

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-He wears those skinny fit jeans.

-Yeah.

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I've had to throw mine out, honestly.

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I had to. I got on the bus and a woman gave her seat up for me.

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Olly, those hats!

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Do you know, I got myself a white trilby,

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cos I want to look like Justin Timberlake. I got it from Topman.

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White trilby.

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I look like a fishmonger at Morrisons.

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APPLAUSE

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Honestly. Pow! Pow! Pow!

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Got some lovely scallops for your tea, Mrs Henderson.

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Pop them in your basket.

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Who else have we got? Oh, Arg.

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The Only Way Is Essex.

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CHEERING

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Any Essex girls in?

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I don't think there is tonight.

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-Are you sure, cos...

-There might be.

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I'm not being rude, but over there I saw a flash of vajazzle.

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Honestly, it was like looking in a magpie's nest.

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Oh, Olly doesn't know. Let me explain.

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-You know a woman's lady garden?

-Yes, yep.

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-It's where they decorate it with sequins.

-Oh, really?

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-Trinkets.

-OK, yeah.

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Hundreds and thousands.

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I mean, they do.

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Where I live, everyone does vajazzle.

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Every shop does vajazzling. My best mate Monica, she got vajazzled.

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She only popped in to get her keys cut.

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The mechanical man did it in the window.

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Seriously. Honest to God. Listen, Arg. She went to get it done

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and she missed her appointment and the girl behind the counter went,

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"A client's just gone in. Can you come back in an hour?"

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I said "An hour?! How big is it?"

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Go to Wickes and get it crazy paved for less.

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It's true!

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No, but these things they keep inventing, no-one tells me.

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I took my two goddaughters to the leisure centre to go swimming.

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No-one told me they'd invented a wave machine.

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Did you know about this?

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There I am, at the leisure centre, minding me own business.

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All of a sudden, I hear...

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IMITATES SIREN

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It's getting choppy!

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And then I couldn't kick because my locker key was round me weak leg.

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I thought someone had pulled the plug out.

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"Help! Help! Help!"

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No! This lifeguard runs over with a float.

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Do you remember those white floats you used to get at school?

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Do you remember the texture of them?

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They always had a bite out of them, didn't they?

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How far away from land have you floated...

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that you're that hungry?

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WOMAN SQUEALS

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It's been a long time since I've made a woman make that noise.

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Oh, it's Melanie Sykes. Hello, Mel!

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-Oh, thanks for laughing.

-APPLAUSE

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That's what friends are for.

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Hope you brought your Tena Lady.

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How unfit am I?

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Do you see me sweating?

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I don't mind getting the underarm bits. It's when you get the W's.

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You've been sitting down and you get up

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and they're underlined. You're like, "What?!"

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You see, Gok was meant to help me with my outfit.

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You know Gok Wan? You like Gok?

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CHEERING

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I love Gok, he's great. People always say

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"When are you and Gok going to get together?"

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We can't, we can't.

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If we had kids, they'd be Wan-Carrs!

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APPLAUSE

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Do you know?

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And let's face it, they're going to get bullied at school anyway.

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Know what I mean? Let's not over-egg the pudding.

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"Wan-Carr?" "Here, Sir!"

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With a handbag.

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I took my two goddaughters to the zoo,

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cos I'm a good godfather and everything.

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The trouble is, they're at that age...

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that face-painting stage, you know what I mean?

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When they like face painting.

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The eldest one has got her face done as a tiger.

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I don't know how I feel about that at the zoo. Do you know what I mean?

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Not only do we take away these animals' freedom and liberty,

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we start taking the piss out of their face.

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The youngest one has got her face done as a dormouse.

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Going round the reptile house,

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they're creaming their drawers in there!

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A Komodo dragon started laying the table.

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While I'm there in the zoo, the zookeeper comes to me.

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"Hello.

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"Would you like to feed the monkeys?

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"Would you like a bit of fruit and get in the cage

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"and feed the monkeys?"

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Then I realised he had a lazy eye and was looking at the girls.

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Freaked me out! Freaked me out! Then the girls said,

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"We don't want to get in the cage and feed the monkeys.

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"Will you do it, Uncle Alan?"

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"Yes, what a good idea(!)"

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I get in the cage, I'm feeding the monkeys.

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People are filming me. They're shouting commands.

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"Stroke the monkey! Stroke the monkey!

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"Faster! Harder!

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"Dance with the monkey!

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"Look like you're enjoying it!"

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Then this school kid comes by and goes "Look, it's got a stiffy!"

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I actually looked down at my own crotch!

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I looked down!

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But if you haven't got kids, you don't know how it works.

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I don't know the rules and regulations.

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Like those Baby On Board stickers - what am I supposed to make of that?

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"All right, love, I weren't going to ram you anyway."

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"You... If it weren't for that Baby On Board sticker."

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What are you supposed to do with a Baby On Board sticker?

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Overtake on a hairpin bend? "Oh, she's got her mother's eyes."

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I was in a restaurant, yeah, with my two goddaughters and their mum

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and the kid starts going, "I want Alan to take me to the toilet."

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And then the mum goes, "She wants you to take her to the toilet!"

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As if it's swimming with dolphins or something.

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What do you want me to do? Go, "Yes..."

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So, "Oh, yes, I'll let my lasagne get cold

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"while I loiter mysteriously around a women's toilet for 20 minutes,

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"getting dirty looks off everyone."

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"I'm waiting for a child."

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"Not like that! Not like that!"

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And one of those kids gave me nits.

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Nits at my a... Nits.

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I had to go to Boots on the high street,

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so embarrassing.

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Have you seen that Scottish Widows advert

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where she's going round the lighthouse? I was like her.

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I went in and I said, "Excuse me," I said, "I think I've got nits."

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"What, NITS?"

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Even a man buying Vagisil went, "Hmm."

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If you have got nits, don't use a nit comb. They're crap.

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All they do is break the nits' legs, no wonder you can't get rid of them.

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They're just laying there, "Help!"

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"Has anyone got a ramp?"

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"Quick, roll down the fringe."

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Do I look like shit?

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I do, don't I?

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WOLF WHISTLE

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You are a sick bastard!

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Why are you whistling at camp chubby man,

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who has obviously a thyroid issue?!

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What you saying?

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Sorry, I'm not fluent in, "Ugh-bugh!"

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Your flies are undone!

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Oh, my God!

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LAUGHTER

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It's popped off!

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Oh, no!

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You've all been looking at my knob.

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Shouldn't bloody be looking, you big gay!

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I am like Oscar Wilde, ain't I?

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I really am, with these witty put-downs.

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Let's welcome our first comedian to the stage.

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I love her, you love her.

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It's Andi Osho! Woo!

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Hey!

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Hello!

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Oh, this is nice!

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Did he do the whole thing with his flies undone?

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I couldn't see. Is that it?

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Oh, my days! Never mind.

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Don't look at my boobs.

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This is good, this is nice. Are there loads of couples in?

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Give me a cheer, couples.

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MUTED CHEERING

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Hey, that's nice. That's the sound of a thousand blokes being nudged in the ribs.

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And are there single people in? Single people, give me a cheer.

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LOUDER CHEERING

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You see how much happier they sound?

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Amazing. I'm single,

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I've been single for ages. I think, and I...

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I can't tell whether it's cos I'm really fussy.

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Cos this I all I want, right - a good-looking bloke who's smart.

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And the smart thing, is a deal-breaker for me.

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I don't want the sort of bloke

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who licks his finger before turning the page on a Kindle.

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Or worse still, licks the Kindle to turn the page.

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That's bad. But it has been ages since I've even...

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I haven't had a date, this is absolutely true, I've not had a date for three years.

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-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Save your sympathy!

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When I'm talking about dates, I'm not talking about getting drunk with some bloke

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and staggering back to his. In which case, I've been dating!

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Probably a little bit too much, to be perfectly honest,

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but a girl's got to eat. Now...

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LAUGHTER

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It's true. Honestly, you've got to keep it all working down there.

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I saw it on Embarrassing Bodies - a woman's vajuju healed up.

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It was like a Sindy doll down there!

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You've got to keep it, you know.

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But seriously, I'm down to last resorts now.

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This is my last resort, because I've tried everything.

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I've done internet dating and all that. My last resort is to walk into a random pub

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and hope someone replies if I go,

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# I like old movies... #

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's all I've got left. But that could work.

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You know what I love about that ad? I would love it if that wasn't the first shop she'd been into.

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If she'd gone into a weird shop like that one in Pulp Fiction with all the samurai swords on the wall.

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And she'd gone up to the piano...

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# I like old movies... #

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Then she'd heard from the back...

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# Like Scream and Saw III... #

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OK, not this shop, but thank you, thank you.

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They all advertise as well, don't they?

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The internet dating companies, like Uniform Dating,

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they advertise, but they don't even have people in their adverts.

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And then the tag line, she goes, "Do you work in uniform,

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"or fancy those who do?"

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Isn't that just like everybody, then?

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That's like BUPA bringing out a new health care product -

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"Are you healthy, ill, dead, or know someone who is?"

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They're not helping me.

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Or eHarmony, that's another one, they advertise a lot.

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Sometimes they reject people's applications,

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and a guy put in an application and it got rejected

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cos of what he said in response to a question.

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And there's a screen grab of it on the internet.

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It goes "eHarmony has rejected your application

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"because in response to the question 'What do you find most attractive in a woman?'"

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The bloke had written "My dick."

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How good is that?

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Because it tells a woman two important things.

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1 - He has got a sense of humour.

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What girl doesn't like a guy with a sense of humour?

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2 - He's got a dick.

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What girl doesn't like a guy with a dick? All of us.

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But I did internet dating,

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and the problem I had with it

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was basically the men.

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No, what it is, I think it's the panic of having to advertise yourself,

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so they write weird things.

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Like they'll put down "reading" as a hobby.

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Now, reading is not a hobby,

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that's just something you should be able to do.

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You know, what are you going to put next?

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"I'm a big fan of eating and thinking. Pick me!"

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No, mate, put that you're a fan of putting up shelves

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and munching rug, then I'll pick you.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Yep. They wouldn't even need a photo then.

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I'd be like, "My God, this guy sounds amazing, where is he?"

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Also, they want you to think that they look after themselves,

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so they put down that they like a sport.

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But then they'll pick a rubbish one, like badminton.

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Now, come on, I'm sorry, that is not a proper sport.

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That should be downgraded. It is a board game at best.

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It is, it's like watching two blokes trying to hit a dandelion

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with a sieve.

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It's ridiculous. It's like watching a bloke chase a moth with a wok.

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What an absurd game.

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And the equipment in badminton is ridiculous.

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Like, in cricket, right, you've got a ball made of wood.

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If that hits you, that hurts.

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If you get hit by a shuttlecock in badminton, you're like,

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"What is it? What is it? Get it out! Get it away from me!"

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If someone breaks into your house,

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do you have a baseball bat by your bed or a badminton racket?

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Do you go up to the intruder, "Stay back or I will dice you."

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But it's not like I don't like sport. I do like sport.

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I stewarded at a football club.

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I won't say which one, cos it always divides the room.

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I'll give you a clue.

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It rhymes with "Middle-class-enal".

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It's there if you want it.

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But what I really loved about stewarding, right,

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I loved the way the fans behave.

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I loved the random things that they do.

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A guy had a season ticket, always sat in the same place behind me.

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He wanted to join in with the chanting

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but couldn't quite get the inflection right.

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So what you get is the opposition pipe up, like, "Who are ya? Who are ya?"

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And then this guy behind me, going, "Who are you? Who are you?!"

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Like properly angry.

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He'd always be getting them wrong.

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A little fracas would break out on the pitch and you'd get him going,

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"The referee is wanking! The referee is wanking!"

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"It's 'He's a wanker'."

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"Oh, no, shit, look, he is! Well spotted!"

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"What are the chances? What are the chances?"

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If you go on a lot of dating websites,

0:19:420:19:45

or look at a lot of profiles, you start to see the same phrases,

0:19:450:19:48

people write the same stuff on their profiles.

0:19:480:19:50

This is one that always gets me.

0:19:500:19:52

People always go, "I love nights in, but I love nights out."

0:19:520:19:56

Who doesn't like nights in and nights out? Can't we just assume...

0:19:570:20:01

I mean, obviously homeless people would prefer more nights in.

0:20:010:20:05

Obviously.

0:20:070:20:09

Fritzl kids, you know, more nights out.

0:20:090:20:12

GROANING

0:20:120:20:15

What are you gonna do?

0:20:180:20:20

You know what, if I had my own dating website, right,

0:20:200:20:24

I would only have one question.

0:20:240:20:25

I wouldn't bother with all these questions they ask you.

0:20:250:20:28

One question, simple. "What's wrong with you?"

0:20:280:20:31

Because that's all we need to know. That is what it comes down to.

0:20:310:20:34

However you met someone,

0:20:340:20:36

be it via a dating website or in the real world,

0:20:360:20:38

the only thing you really want to know about them

0:20:380:20:41

is what's wrong with them.

0:20:410:20:42

Because we pretend to be someone we're not

0:20:420:20:44

when we first meet someone.

0:20:440:20:46

It's a super-us, isn't it? A good, decent, honest version of ourselves.

0:20:460:20:49

One of my pretences in the early stages, I pretend to be,

0:20:490:20:52

like, really hygienic.

0:20:520:20:54

You know, like I won't eat food off the floor in front of the bloke.

0:20:540:20:58

"No, I prepared it with hair and fluff and stuff on it."

0:20:580:21:01

Or I'll make a big deal about washing my hands

0:21:010:21:04

after I've been to the toilet, even though I'm pretending.

0:21:040:21:06

"Look at me, washy, washy, wash. All the way up to the elbow."

0:21:060:21:09

Sharing a bit too much now.

0:21:120:21:14

I'll tell you something that women pretend - we pretend,

0:21:140:21:16

in the early stages, that we don't fart.

0:21:160:21:18

That's one of the biggest pretences that we have going,

0:21:180:21:21

but I think, right, women should just let it out.

0:21:210:21:24

It's a big day in a girl's life

0:21:240:21:25

when she can freely let rip in front of her bloke.

0:21:250:21:29

It is. I think women should be having

0:21:290:21:31

"I farted in front of my boyfriend for the first time" parties.

0:21:310:21:34

They should be ringing their mums, going,

0:21:360:21:38

"Mum, I've got something to tell you."

0:21:380:21:40

"Oh, darling, what is it? What is it?"

0:21:400:21:42

"I just did a fart in front of Tom."

0:21:420:21:44

"Oh, darling, that's wonderful news! And what did he say?"

0:21:440:21:47

"He didn't say anything. He just laughed and farted back!"

0:21:470:21:50

"My little girl's all grown up."

0:21:520:21:54

Meanwhile, Dad'll be going,

0:21:540:21:56

"Women are farting far too early in front of their boyfriends these days.

0:21:560:22:00

"It was 18 months before your mother even trumped in my direction.

0:22:000:22:03

"Six months before she'd take a dump in the house when I was around."

0:22:030:22:06

Something else we pretend -

0:22:080:22:10

we keep the old, er, the lady garden quite tidy, us girls, in the early stages.

0:22:100:22:15

We do little tricks with it.

0:22:150:22:16

"Look, it's a strip, it's a Brazilian.

0:22:160:22:18

"Look, I put a hat on it, it's a Mexican." Like, we do...

0:22:180:22:22

We do all that in the early stages and then after about a year,

0:22:230:22:26

it looks like the back of the wardrobe that leads to Narnia.

0:22:260:22:29

"Well, if he wants it, he's going to have to work for it."

0:22:310:22:34

People say, "Andi, you could try meeting people in a nightclub."

0:22:460:22:49

You'll never meet anyone good in a nightclub,

0:22:490:22:52

because the nightclub environment is designed to have us make bad decisions.

0:22:520:22:57

It's dark, you can't see, you can't hear.

0:22:570:22:59

You know what, if nightclubs want to be responsible,

0:22:590:23:01

what they should do to help us out, is just before the exit, they should have a brightly lit room,

0:23:010:23:06

where you can check out the person you're leaving with.

0:23:060:23:10

They should call it the Have A Sodding Word With Yourself Lounge.

0:23:100:23:13

And you'd get women in there just going, "Oh, my god, you're wearing a fleece.

0:23:150:23:19

"I couldn't tell because it's so dark in there. OK, nice to meet you!"

0:23:190:23:23

But listen, if you meet somebody online,

0:23:280:23:30

all I'm going to say is there's some safety things to take into consideration.

0:23:300:23:34

Now, I met somebody through Twitter just the once - never again -

0:23:340:23:38

and it was the most irresponsible thing I've ever done. I spoke to a friend about it

0:23:380:23:42

and I said, "I've met this guy, and we seem to really like each other

0:23:420:23:45

"and we're talking about meeting up. Should I meet him?"

0:23:450:23:47

Before my mate had a chance to say anything,

0:23:470:23:50

I said, "I AM going to meet this guy. You know why? Cos life's too short."

0:23:500:23:54

And my mate just went, "Yeah, you're going to find out how short!"

0:23:540:23:57

And my mum says, "Look, if you go on these dates,

0:23:590:24:02

"make sure you meet in a public place."

0:24:020:24:04

I'm going to add something to that. Public place - brill.

0:24:040:24:08

Public house - excellent.

0:24:080:24:10

Public toilet...

0:24:100:24:11

Never meet in a public toilet. No good can come of it,

0:24:130:24:17

unless it's them space-age toilets that they have outside,

0:24:170:24:21

where you put the money in, press the button and then the door opens. Cos you can pretend it's Blind Date.

0:24:210:24:27

Oh, how good is that, you just put the money in, and press the button!

0:24:270:24:32

SHE HUMS BLIND DATE THEME

0:24:320:24:35

And if you don't like them, just press the button really quickly.

0:24:370:24:40

I don't know why young couples,

0:24:440:24:45

new couples, have got this obsession with finding out

0:24:450:24:48

how many people someone has been out with from before.

0:24:480:24:51

Like, how many previous partners? This is a lose/lose situation.

0:24:510:24:55

And if any of you have ever had that conversation,

0:24:550:24:57

or you think it's going to come up, this is what you should say, OK? Just say,

0:24:570:25:01

"You want to know how many previous partners? OK, I'll tell you from the beginning.

0:25:010:25:06

"One, two, three, four,

0:25:060:25:07

"YOU...

0:25:070:25:08

"six, seven..."

0:25:080:25:10

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely.

0:25:150:25:17

I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much! Good night!

0:25:170:25:20

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:25:200:25:22

Andi Osho!

0:25:270:25:29

Who else have we got? Jake Humphrey from Formula One.

0:25:320:25:36

ALL: Woo!

0:25:360:25:38

-Hello, love.

-Hello.

-What's your show about? What's it...?

0:25:380:25:41

No, I'm not being horrible. I've never heard of it.

0:25:410:25:44

-It's driving cars and stuff.

-Driving cars.

0:25:440:25:47

Oh, what do you think of those electric cars?

0:25:470:25:50

-Brilliant, good for the environment.

-Good for the environment. You know why I'm asking...

0:25:500:25:55

They asked me to be the face of electric cars.

0:25:550:25:58

No, because you know me surname's Carr?

0:25:580:26:02

They spent hours thinking this up, honestly, yeah.

0:26:030:26:06

And the money was good, I thought I'd do it, and then I saw the slogan.

0:26:060:26:09

"The car you don't have to stick your nozzle in and pump."

0:26:090:26:14

It's true, it's true. It took me ages....

0:26:140:26:19

-Honestly, how long did it take you to pass your test, Jake?

-First time.

0:26:190:26:22

Oh, don't you hate people, "first time?"

0:26:220:26:25

Do you know how long it took me? Four times, yeah.

0:26:250:26:27

The first time I failed me test it weren't my fault.

0:26:270:26:30

I had the wrong prescription in my glasses.

0:26:300:26:33

It had a concave lens.

0:26:330:26:34

Honestly, I kept veering off into the hedge and the verge.

0:26:340:26:37

Honestly, the poor instructor! I was screaming,

0:26:370:26:40

he was blackberry picking.

0:26:400:26:42

He was a pervert.

0:26:460:26:47

He liked me to go down the country lanes.

0:26:470:26:50

"Let's go down the country lanes, me and you.

0:26:500:26:53

"Let's go down the country lanes."

0:26:530:26:55

He liked me to drive over cattle grids

0:26:550:26:58

cos it made me chest jiggle.

0:26:580:27:00

Oh, can I tell you this, it's a bit personal?

0:27:040:27:07

I had a health scare, yeah, I caught something in a hot tub.

0:27:070:27:10

Now listen,

0:27:120:27:13

I hate hot tubs, yeah, I was round me friend's house,

0:27:130:27:16

we're having a nice meal,

0:27:160:27:17

the plates get taken away and he says,

0:27:170:27:19

"Hey, Alan...

0:27:190:27:20

"..grab a glass of wine, put some Speedos on,

0:27:220:27:24

"and come and join me and the wife in the hot tub."

0:27:240:27:27

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:27:270:27:29

What's wrong with an after-dinner mint,

0:27:290:27:32

why do I have to get in a hot tub?

0:27:320:27:33

They're wrong, hot tubs, ain't they, they're wrong?

0:27:330:27:37

It's like me inviting you all for dinner, then saying,

0:27:370:27:40

"I've run a bath, do you want to get in?

0:27:400:27:41

"No, wait, I'll push it into the front lawn

0:27:440:27:46

"so the neighbours can see us."

0:27:460:27:48

We haven't got the views over here, have we?

0:27:510:27:53

Fair enough if you're in California watching the sun set on the horizon,

0:27:530:27:57

but over here, a rusty swingball

0:27:570:27:59

and a fox going through your rubbish!

0:27:590:28:01

Oh, look, a syringe. Ooh!

0:28:050:28:07

Do you know, I had to have a Well Man test.

0:28:110:28:12

You know, where they test everything over,

0:28:120:28:14

because like I said, I had that health scare.

0:28:140:28:17

And I'd put on weight on everything.

0:28:170:28:18

I know I'm fat now, but I really put on weight.

0:28:180:28:22

You know you've got fat when someone uses your love handles

0:28:220:28:24

to get to a disabled toilet.

0:28:240:28:26

She started asking embarrassing questions.

0:28:320:28:34

"Do you find your clothes are a bit tighter than normal?"

0:28:340:28:37

I said, "My poncho's chaffing, you do the math."

0:28:370:28:39

She checked everything over, yeah,

0:28:430:28:45

but she checked my balls.

0:28:450:28:47

Honestly, she checked my balls and she was down there for ages.

0:28:470:28:51

And she started pulling the same face I pull

0:28:510:28:53

when I'm trying to Sky+.

0:28:530:28:55

You don't know what to say. She's got your balls in her hand, what can you say?

0:29:020:29:06

"Go compare! Go compare!" You can't!

0:29:060:29:08

But once one thing goes, you think everything's going to go.

0:29:110:29:14

Have you ever been in a posh car

0:29:140:29:15

and they've put the heated seats on without telling you?

0:29:150:29:19

"Ooh, no.

0:29:200:29:22

"Oh, no, you haven't.

0:29:230:29:26

"Not in a Nissan Sunny!"

0:29:260:29:28

This kind of shit happens to me.

0:29:320:29:33

I think it's time for our second comedian,

0:29:350:29:37

he's absolutely brilliant.

0:29:370:29:39

Hammersmith, go mad, go crazy

0:29:390:29:41

and welcome to the stage the one and only Patrick Kielty!

0:29:410:29:45

-Woo!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

0:29:450:29:49

Thank you very much. Good evening, Apollo, how are we?

0:30:010:30:04

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:30:040:30:07

Good, good, we're all here, all ready to laugh Britain

0:30:070:30:10

out of recession,

0:30:100:30:11

that's...that's what it is,

0:30:110:30:14

cos it's tough times,

0:30:140:30:15

it's tough for everybody, tough to be Irish at the minute,

0:30:150:30:18

tough to be Irish in London at the minute.

0:30:180:30:20

AUDIENCE: Woo!

0:30:200:30:22

Any Irish in?

0:30:220:30:23

-AUDIENCE: Whey!

-Whey, yeah.

0:30:230:30:25

The Polish have stolen all the building work.

0:30:250:30:27

The Muslims have stolen all the terrorism work.

0:30:290:30:32

Yeah, it...

0:30:330:30:35

"They come over here, they steal our bombs!"

0:30:390:30:41

I tell you, that was good while it lasted,

0:30:410:30:44

honestly, that was the greatest scam that Irish people ever had.

0:30:440:30:48

Blow it up on a Friday,

0:30:480:30:50

start building it again on a Monday, that was great!

0:30:500:30:52

"Have you much work on at the minute, Seamus?"

0:30:560:30:58

"Not much, Michael." "Leave it with me."

0:30:580:31:01

And can I just say, guys, as someone from Northern Ireland,

0:31:040:31:07

can I just say,

0:31:070:31:09

congratulations on your riots, London, that was...

0:31:090:31:12

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:31:120:31:13

Yeah, round of applause for the riots there,

0:31:130:31:16

that's...one, or two,

0:31:160:31:17

only the people that actually rioted applauding there, that was good.

0:31:170:31:20

People who rioted thinking other people were going to join in.

0:31:200:31:26

It brought me back to my childhood,

0:31:260:31:28

it really did, it did.

0:31:280:31:30

It was just the right mixture between excitement and fear.

0:31:300:31:34

It reminded me of being an altar boy again. It...

0:31:350:31:38

And the great thing about it for me

0:31:410:31:43

was that that people asked my opinion.

0:31:430:31:45

They kind of think that when you're from Northern Ireland,

0:31:450:31:49

you're an expert.

0:31:490:31:50

Which is kind of nice,

0:31:500:31:52

or racist, really, it's kind of racist.

0:31:520:31:55

I went on Daybreak during the riots,

0:31:550:31:59

as if London wasn't suffering enough,

0:31:590:32:02

and I kid you not, right, Adrian Chiles asked me, he said,

0:32:020:32:06

"So before we talk about what you're here to talk about,

0:32:060:32:09

"disgraceful scenes in London, last night,

0:32:090:32:12

"you're from Belfast, Patrick, what do you think?"

0:32:120:32:16

I'm like, "Well, Adrian, most of these kids are only doing this

0:32:180:32:21

"because they grew up in shitholes.

0:32:210:32:23

"You're from Birmingham, what do you think?"

0:32:230:32:26

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS

-So...

0:32:260:32:32

What was he expecting?!

0:32:340:32:36

Was he expecting some type of post-match analysis from me?

0:32:360:32:40

-IMITATES ALAN HANSEN:

-"Technically very, very poor, badly organised.

0:32:400:32:44

"You might pick up a plasma in this country

0:32:460:32:48

"with that type of performance,

0:32:480:32:50

"but in Europe they'll eat you for breakfast."

0:32:500:32:52

I like a riot as much as anybody else,

0:32:550:32:57

but, you know, we need a cause.

0:32:570:33:00

We need a cause that we can all believe in.

0:33:000:33:02

Whatever happened to taking to the streets

0:33:020:33:04

and getting behind the great rallying cries?

0:33:040:33:07

"I have a dream." "We shall overcome."

0:33:070:33:09

"If you like, you should have put a ring on it."

0:33:090:33:12

# Oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh...

0:33:120:33:14

I kind of feel a bit let down by Beyonce, I have to say.

0:33:160:33:19

Does any other man in the room feel let down by Beyonce?

0:33:190:33:23

I remember when Beyonce used to be here for us men.

0:33:230:33:25

You could rely on Beyonce.

0:33:250:33:27

When Beyonce used to shake her stuff purely for men.

0:33:270:33:31

# I don't think you're ready for this jelly

0:33:310:33:34

# I don't think you're ready for this jelly

0:33:340:33:36

# I don't think you're ready for this

0:33:360:33:38

# My body too bootilicious for you, baby. #

0:33:380:33:43

-That's... That's kind of...

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:33:430:33:46

That's when Beyonce was being Beyonce.

0:33:490:33:52

None of this, "If you like it, you should have put a ring on it." Eh?

0:33:520:33:57

What's all that about?

0:33:570:33:58

She's gone from a pole-dancing sex kitten

0:33:580:34:01

to an Irish Catholic nun in three singles, hasn't she?

0:34:010:34:04

# No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... #

0:34:040:34:09

And as we all know, that's a lie.

0:34:120:34:15

I find, guys, if you like it, never put a ring on it. I find.

0:34:170:34:20

I find if you like it,

0:34:230:34:24

put a nice pair of shoes on it every few months.

0:34:240:34:26

And that'll give you a much more regular level of service, I find.

0:34:280:34:32

So I've given up on Beyonce.

0:34:370:34:39

I've basically replaced Beyonce with Rihanna,

0:34:390:34:41

because obviously Rihanna...

0:34:410:34:42

-Any Rihanna fans in?

-WHOOPING

0:34:420:34:45

Rihanna, of course, much more wholesome.

0:34:450:34:48

No, she is. A lot of people don't know this, but Rihanna,

0:34:490:34:52

very good to her family, very nice to her grandmother.

0:34:520:34:54

Most people don't know but her biggest hit, she actually

0:34:540:34:57

wrote that after visiting her grandmother in the nursing home.

0:34:570:35:00

# Ooh, Nana, what's my name?

0:35:000:35:03

# Oh, Nana, what's my name?

0:35:040:35:07

"What... What's my name?

0:35:070:35:09

"Hello? Nana? What's my name, Nana?"

0:35:090:35:12

But Nana didn't know her name.

0:35:180:35:20

Cos they'd just given her her medication.

0:35:220:35:24

We love a knee-jerk reaction in this country,

0:35:270:35:29

they were talking about whether, you know...

0:35:290:35:32

How are we going to prevent trouble next time round?

0:35:320:35:34

And we said, we'll shut down Twitter and BBM.

0:35:340:35:38

Great, put us up there with Syria and Saudi Arabia.

0:35:380:35:43

That's good work, isn't it?

0:35:430:35:44

Well, I've got a better idea.

0:35:440:35:46

Next time there's any trouble, we'll just get onto the phone companies

0:35:460:35:50

and ask them to only forward texts that are spelt properly

0:35:500:35:53

and are grammatically correct.

0:35:530:35:55

That's... I'm thinking...

0:35:550:35:57

..I'm thinking that might thin the crowd down a little bit.

0:36:010:36:05

It'll just be Joan Bakewell and Stephen Fry outside the Apple store.

0:36:050:36:09

"Stephen, who does this iPad belong to?"

0:36:120:36:16

"No, no, Joan, I think you'll find

0:36:160:36:20

"it's to whom does this iPad belong?"

0:36:200:36:24

But we've basically given up,

0:36:260:36:28

we've given up on spelling, we've given up on mental arithmetic.

0:36:280:36:31

I saw Wayne Rooney on the TV

0:36:310:36:33

a few weeks ago.

0:36:330:36:34

Wayne Rooney said, "The lads gave 150%."

0:36:340:36:37

No, Wayne, that's...

0:36:420:36:43

they can't give 150%, that's kind of not possible,

0:36:430:36:47

it's like, who's going to take Wayne aside

0:36:470:36:50

and explain that in terms that Wayne understands?

0:36:500:36:53

You can't have more than 100%, Wayne, you've 150...

0:36:540:36:57

It's like having two hookers in your room

0:36:570:37:01

and trying to shag three of them, Wayne.

0:37:010:37:03

It's, um...

0:37:030:37:04

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:37:040:37:08

I love David Cameron's answer to the trouble.

0:37:120:37:15

David Cameron, to prevent social unrest next time round, he says,

0:37:150:37:19

"We need to encourage more marriage."

0:37:190:37:22

That's the solution for all our problems in this country.

0:37:220:37:25

To prevent antisocial behaviour,

0:37:250:37:28

random acts of violence and binge drinking - more marriage.

0:37:280:37:31

Is he the only man in this country that hasn't seen

0:37:330:37:35

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? It's...

0:37:350:37:38

For me, it's amazing what you get away with

0:37:420:37:44

when you give something a cuddly title -

0:37:440:37:46

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding -

0:37:460:37:48

and really, what the programme makers mean by that is,

0:37:480:37:52

"Let's watch pikeys on the piss."

0:37:520:37:55

That's kind of...

0:37:550:37:58

That's kind of why we watch it.

0:37:580:38:01

The programme makers say, "No, no.

0:38:010:38:03

"These programmes are a social study

0:38:030:38:05

"into the individual and cultural differences within the UK."

0:38:050:38:08

So that's why the advert for Seven Dwarves features a two-foot man

0:38:090:38:13

trying to get a book off a six-foot shelf, is that right?

0:38:130:38:17

We all know what these shows mean,

0:38:170:38:19

Big Fat Gypsy Wedding - laugh at pikeys,

0:38:190:38:22

The Only Way Is Essex - laugh at chavs...

0:38:220:38:24

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Um...

0:38:270:38:31

Geordie Shore - laugh at chavs with no coats.

0:38:360:38:39

Made in Chelsea - laugh at wankers!

0:38:420:38:45

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:38:450:38:49

Seven Dwarves - laugh at midgets,

0:38:490:38:52

Embarrassing Bodies - laugh at people with odd-shaped testicles,

0:38:520:38:55

that's basically it.

0:38:550:38:57

Has the word "embarrassing" changed since I was small?

0:39:000:39:04

Cos when I had a pimple on my nose,

0:39:050:39:07

I wasn't going to school for two days, and apparently now

0:39:070:39:10

if you've got balls the size of a space hopper

0:39:100:39:13

or labia like elephant's ears...

0:39:130:39:14

..you go on TV and show everybody, that's...

0:39:190:39:22

"What's that?

0:39:220:39:23

"Oh, I'm mortified! Oh!

0:39:230:39:25

"Don't look. Get a close-up. I'm mortified!"

0:39:270:39:29

We've basically lost our sense of collective shame.

0:39:370:39:41

That's kind of what's happened, isn't it? I'm totally confused.

0:39:410:39:46

When I get a girl's phone number, I don't know whether to call her

0:39:460:39:49

and ask her to dinner or just text her a picture of my cock.

0:39:490:39:54

When? When did that become a chat-up line? That's what I want to know.

0:39:570:40:01

Eh? The day that a man had the technical ability

0:40:010:40:05

to send a picture of his penis to another woman,

0:40:050:40:08

that's the day romance died for me, it really is.

0:40:080:40:12

Who knows, maybe that's what Alexander Graham Bell

0:40:150:40:18

had in mind all those years ago back in 1876

0:40:180:40:22

in his Boston laboratory when he invented the telephone.

0:40:220:40:26

"Alexander, to be able to speak to another person

0:40:260:40:28

by means of an electrical cable in another room is the future."

0:40:280:40:32

"No, no."

0:40:330:40:34

"The future is that one day,

0:40:380:40:40

"footballers will communicate with prostitutes solely by this device,

0:40:400:40:46

"by texting pictures of their penises.

0:40:460:40:50

"Or peni. Or whatever the plural for penises is."

0:40:500:40:56

Ah, footballers.

0:40:580:41:00

I tell you, I feel sorry for George Best, that's who I feel sorry for.

0:41:000:41:03

Could you imagine the damage that George Best would've done

0:41:030:41:06

with a mobile phone, eh?

0:41:060:41:09

There wouldn't have been a woman safe.

0:41:090:41:13

If George ever wanted to send a picture of his cock,

0:41:130:41:16

he'd have had to call up David Bailey,

0:41:160:41:18

organise a photo shoot in the kitchen,

0:41:180:41:20

take the film down to Boots the chemist,

0:41:200:41:22

find out the girl's address

0:41:220:41:24

and then hand-deliver it in an A4 brown envelope

0:41:240:41:27

with "Do not bend" put on the front.

0:41:270:41:29

Technology has ruined romance.

0:41:330:41:36

We're in contact 24 hours a day. We never have to say goodbye.

0:41:360:41:40

There's no "adieu," there's no "farewell,"

0:41:400:41:42

there's no "when will I see you again?"

0:41:420:41:45

All the love songs have been ruined.

0:41:450:41:48

# I'm leaving on a jet plane

0:41:480:41:52

# Don't know when I'll be back again.... #

0:41:520:41:55

But I'll Skype you.

0:41:550:41:58

It doesn't work. No-one hears it through the grapevine any more.

0:42:000:42:04

# I bet you're wondering how I knew... #

0:42:040:42:06

Actually, I updated my Facebook status. So...

0:42:060:42:08

# I drove all night to get to you... #

0:42:100:42:13

Should've just texted me a picture of your cock

0:42:130:42:16

and saved the petrol money.

0:42:160:42:18

I love that song.

0:42:220:42:23

# I drove all night

0:42:230:42:25

# Crept in your room

0:42:250:42:27

# Is that all right? #

0:42:270:42:30

No, Roy, that's not all right.

0:42:310:42:33

That's not even right if you're Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

0:42:330:42:37

Folks, you've been fantastic, I've been Patrick Kielty,

0:42:440:42:46

thank you very much, Apollo, good night, thank you, cheers.

0:42:460:42:49

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

0:42:490:42:53

Patrick Kielty!

0:42:580:43:00

Have you had a good night, Hammersmith?

0:43:030:43:06

AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:43:060:43:08

-Give it up for Patrick Kielty.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:43:080:43:12

-And Andi Osho.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:43:120:43:14

I've been Alan Carr. See you!

0:43:140:43:16

-AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

-Thank you, bye.

0:43:160:43:19

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