Episode 3 Live at the Apollo

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'please welcome your host for tonight,

'Alan Carr!'

APPLAUSE

Oh, how lovely!

Oh!

Oh, Hammersmith!

Ah!

Welcome to Live At The Apollo. I'm your host, Alan Carr.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Woohoo! Thank you.

I'm not a sheepdog.

I visited my nan the other day. You got to visit your nan, ain't ya?

-ALL: Yes!

-Yeah. I went to see her, bless her.

She was sucking the chocolate off a Crunchie to send to Cash for Gold.

I don't know how much money pensioners get.

Honestly, she's got herself a 3D HD plasma screen in her lounge.

Honestly, it's huge. It's huge.

The people on the screen are bigger than she is.

The council drove by, thought she was subletting to Poirot.

Honestly, but she loves it, though. All this technology.

I'm the other way. I'm going...

You're going to think I'm mad, but you know what I can't stand?

Digital cameras.

I like the old ones, know what I mean?

I don't like to get the image instantly,

I like to wait to get back from the holiday

before I realise I'm fat and pasty, yeah?

People show you it, don't they? "Oh, yes!

"Great the way me back fat's poking through the slots of the sun lounger!"

Got screensaver written all over it, hasn't it?

They're inventing things that I don't even know what they are.

Wi-Fi printers, have you heard about this? I don't know what they are.

You can print from your computer to any printer,

wherever it is, in the world.

My printer don't work when it's connected to the sodding computer.

They're back to back in a loveless relationship.

"If you think I'm printing that, you've got another thing coming."

"Don't take that toner with me."

I like that pun, I like it.

I like it.

What celebs have we got here?

Hello, Eamonn. Eamonn and Ruth, come on.

APPLAUSE

Olly Murs.

CHEERING

And little Geordie Joe sneaked in behind you.

X Factor fantasy of mine.

Hello, love. Can I just say I love you? You know his skinny fit jeans?

He's got the image. Olly is the image I want.

Ain't he lovely? He's gorgeous.

SHOUTS OF APPROVAL

-He wears those skinny fit jeans.

-Yeah.

I've had to throw mine out, honestly.

I had to. I got on the bus and a woman gave her seat up for me.

Olly, those hats!

Do you know, I got myself a white trilby,

cos I want to look like Justin Timberlake. I got it from Topman.

White trilby.

I look like a fishmonger at Morrisons.

APPLAUSE

Honestly. Pow! Pow! Pow!

Got some lovely scallops for your tea, Mrs Henderson.

Pop them in your basket.

Who else have we got? Oh, Arg.

The Only Way Is Essex.

CHEERING

Any Essex girls in?

I don't think there is tonight.

-Are you sure, cos...

-There might be.

I'm not being rude, but over there I saw a flash of vajazzle.

Honestly, it was like looking in a magpie's nest.

Oh, Olly doesn't know. Let me explain.

-You know a woman's lady garden?

-Yes, yep.

-It's where they decorate it with sequins.

-Oh, really?

-Trinkets.

-OK, yeah.

Hundreds and thousands.

I mean, they do.

Where I live, everyone does vajazzle.

Every shop does vajazzling. My best mate Monica, she got vajazzled.

She only popped in to get her keys cut.

The mechanical man did it in the window.

Seriously. Honest to God. Listen, Arg. She went to get it done

and she missed her appointment and the girl behind the counter went,

"A client's just gone in. Can you come back in an hour?"

I said "An hour?! How big is it?"

Go to Wickes and get it crazy paved for less.

It's true!

No, but these things they keep inventing, no-one tells me.

I took my two goddaughters to the leisure centre to go swimming.

No-one told me they'd invented a wave machine.

Did you know about this?

There I am, at the leisure centre, minding me own business.

All of a sudden, I hear...

IMITATES SIREN

It's getting choppy!

And then I couldn't kick because my locker key was round me weak leg.

I thought someone had pulled the plug out.

"Help! Help! Help!"

No! This lifeguard runs over with a float.

Do you remember those white floats you used to get at school?

Do you remember the texture of them?

They always had a bite out of them, didn't they?

How far away from land have you floated...

that you're that hungry?

WOMAN SQUEALS

It's been a long time since I've made a woman make that noise.

Oh, it's Melanie Sykes. Hello, Mel!

-Oh, thanks for laughing.

-APPLAUSE

That's what friends are for.

Hope you brought your Tena Lady.

How unfit am I?

Do you see me sweating?

I don't mind getting the underarm bits. It's when you get the W's.

You've been sitting down and you get up

and they're underlined. You're like, "What?!"

You see, Gok was meant to help me with my outfit.

You know Gok Wan? You like Gok?

CHEERING

I love Gok, he's great. People always say

"When are you and Gok going to get together?"

We can't, we can't.

If we had kids, they'd be Wan-Carrs!

APPLAUSE

Do you know?

And let's face it, they're going to get bullied at school anyway.

Know what I mean? Let's not over-egg the pudding.

"Wan-Carr?" "Here, Sir!"

With a handbag.

I took my two goddaughters to the zoo,

cos I'm a good godfather and everything.

The trouble is, they're at that age...

that face-painting stage, you know what I mean?

When they like face painting.

The eldest one has got her face done as a tiger.

I don't know how I feel about that at the zoo. Do you know what I mean?

Not only do we take away these animals' freedom and liberty,

we start taking the piss out of their face.

The youngest one has got her face done as a dormouse.

Going round the reptile house,

they're creaming their drawers in there!

A Komodo dragon started laying the table.

While I'm there in the zoo, the zookeeper comes to me.

"Hello.

"Would you like to feed the monkeys?

"Would you like a bit of fruit and get in the cage

"and feed the monkeys?"

Then I realised he had a lazy eye and was looking at the girls.

Freaked me out! Freaked me out! Then the girls said,

"We don't want to get in the cage and feed the monkeys.

"Will you do it, Uncle Alan?"

"Yes, what a good idea(!)"

I get in the cage, I'm feeding the monkeys.

People are filming me. They're shouting commands.

"Stroke the monkey! Stroke the monkey!

"Faster! Harder!

"Dance with the monkey!

"Look like you're enjoying it!"

Then this school kid comes by and goes "Look, it's got a stiffy!"

I actually looked down at my own crotch!

I looked down!

But if you haven't got kids, you don't know how it works.

I don't know the rules and regulations.

Like those Baby On Board stickers - what am I supposed to make of that?

"All right, love, I weren't going to ram you anyway."

"You... If it weren't for that Baby On Board sticker."

What are you supposed to do with a Baby On Board sticker?

Overtake on a hairpin bend? "Oh, she's got her mother's eyes."

I was in a restaurant, yeah, with my two goddaughters and their mum

and the kid starts going, "I want Alan to take me to the toilet."

And then the mum goes, "She wants you to take her to the toilet!"

As if it's swimming with dolphins or something.

What do you want me to do? Go, "Yes..."

So, "Oh, yes, I'll let my lasagne get cold

"while I loiter mysteriously around a women's toilet for 20 minutes,

"getting dirty looks off everyone."

"I'm waiting for a child."

"Not like that! Not like that!"

And one of those kids gave me nits.

Nits at my a... Nits.

I had to go to Boots on the high street,

so embarrassing.

Have you seen that Scottish Widows advert

where she's going round the lighthouse? I was like her.

I went in and I said, "Excuse me," I said, "I think I've got nits."

"What, NITS?"

Even a man buying Vagisil went, "Hmm."

If you have got nits, don't use a nit comb. They're crap.

All they do is break the nits' legs, no wonder you can't get rid of them.

They're just laying there, "Help!"

"Has anyone got a ramp?"

"Quick, roll down the fringe."

Do I look like shit?

I do, don't I?

WOLF WHISTLE

You are a sick bastard!

Why are you whistling at camp chubby man,

who has obviously a thyroid issue?!

What you saying?

Sorry, I'm not fluent in, "Ugh-bugh!"

Your flies are undone!

Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER

It's popped off!

Oh, no!

You've all been looking at my knob.

Shouldn't bloody be looking, you big gay!

I am like Oscar Wilde, ain't I?

I really am, with these witty put-downs.

Let's welcome our first comedian to the stage.

I love her, you love her.

It's Andi Osho! Woo!

Hey!

Hello!

Oh, this is nice!

Did he do the whole thing with his flies undone?

I couldn't see. Is that it?

Oh, my days! Never mind.

Don't look at my boobs.

This is good, this is nice. Are there loads of couples in?

Give me a cheer, couples.

MUTED CHEERING

Hey, that's nice. That's the sound of a thousand blokes being nudged in the ribs.

And are there single people in? Single people, give me a cheer.

LOUDER CHEERING

You see how much happier they sound?

Amazing. I'm single,

I've been single for ages. I think, and I...

I can't tell whether it's cos I'm really fussy.

Cos this I all I want, right - a good-looking bloke who's smart.

And the smart thing, is a deal-breaker for me.

I don't want the sort of bloke

who licks his finger before turning the page on a Kindle.

Or worse still, licks the Kindle to turn the page.

That's bad. But it has been ages since I've even...

I haven't had a date, this is absolutely true, I've not had a date for three years.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Save your sympathy!

When I'm talking about dates, I'm not talking about getting drunk with some bloke

and staggering back to his. In which case, I've been dating!

Probably a little bit too much, to be perfectly honest,

but a girl's got to eat. Now...

LAUGHTER

It's true. Honestly, you've got to keep it all working down there.

I saw it on Embarrassing Bodies - a woman's vajuju healed up.

It was like a Sindy doll down there!

You've got to keep it, you know.

But seriously, I'm down to last resorts now.

This is my last resort, because I've tried everything.

I've done internet dating and all that. My last resort is to walk into a random pub

and hope someone replies if I go,

# I like old movies... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's all I've got left. But that could work.

You know what I love about that ad? I would love it if that wasn't the first shop she'd been into.

If she'd gone into a weird shop like that one in Pulp Fiction with all the samurai swords on the wall.

And she'd gone up to the piano...

# I like old movies... #

Then she'd heard from the back...

# Like Scream and Saw III... #

OK, not this shop, but thank you, thank you.

They all advertise as well, don't they?

The internet dating companies, like Uniform Dating,

they advertise, but they don't even have people in their adverts.

And then the tag line, she goes, "Do you work in uniform,

"or fancy those who do?"

Isn't that just like everybody, then?

That's like BUPA bringing out a new health care product -

"Are you healthy, ill, dead, or know someone who is?"

They're not helping me.

Or eHarmony, that's another one, they advertise a lot.

Sometimes they reject people's applications,

and a guy put in an application and it got rejected

cos of what he said in response to a question.

And there's a screen grab of it on the internet.

It goes "eHarmony has rejected your application

"because in response to the question 'What do you find most attractive in a woman?'"

The bloke had written "My dick."

How good is that?

Because it tells a woman two important things.

1 - He has got a sense of humour.

What girl doesn't like a guy with a sense of humour?

2 - He's got a dick.

What girl doesn't like a guy with a dick? All of us.

But I did internet dating,

and the problem I had with it

was basically the men.

No, what it is, I think it's the panic of having to advertise yourself,

so they write weird things.

Like they'll put down "reading" as a hobby.

Now, reading is not a hobby,

that's just something you should be able to do.

You know, what are you going to put next?

"I'm a big fan of eating and thinking. Pick me!"

No, mate, put that you're a fan of putting up shelves

and munching rug, then I'll pick you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yep. They wouldn't even need a photo then.

I'd be like, "My God, this guy sounds amazing, where is he?"

Also, they want you to think that they look after themselves,

so they put down that they like a sport.

But then they'll pick a rubbish one, like badminton.

Now, come on, I'm sorry, that is not a proper sport.

That should be downgraded. It is a board game at best.

It is, it's like watching two blokes trying to hit a dandelion

with a sieve.

It's ridiculous. It's like watching a bloke chase a moth with a wok.

What an absurd game.

And the equipment in badminton is ridiculous.

Like, in cricket, right, you've got a ball made of wood.

If that hits you, that hurts.

If you get hit by a shuttlecock in badminton, you're like,

"What is it? What is it? Get it out! Get it away from me!"

If someone breaks into your house,

do you have a baseball bat by your bed or a badminton racket?

Do you go up to the intruder, "Stay back or I will dice you."

But it's not like I don't like sport. I do like sport.

I stewarded at a football club.

I won't say which one, cos it always divides the room.

I'll give you a clue.

It rhymes with "Middle-class-enal".

It's there if you want it.

But what I really loved about stewarding, right,

I loved the way the fans behave.

I loved the random things that they do.

A guy had a season ticket, always sat in the same place behind me.

He wanted to join in with the chanting

but couldn't quite get the inflection right.

So what you get is the opposition pipe up, like, "Who are ya? Who are ya?"

And then this guy behind me, going, "Who are you? Who are you?!"

Like properly angry.

He'd always be getting them wrong.

A little fracas would break out on the pitch and you'd get him going,

"The referee is wanking! The referee is wanking!"

"It's 'He's a wanker'."

"Oh, no, shit, look, he is! Well spotted!"

"What are the chances? What are the chances?"

If you go on a lot of dating websites,

or look at a lot of profiles, you start to see the same phrases,

people write the same stuff on their profiles.

This is one that always gets me.

People always go, "I love nights in, but I love nights out."

Who doesn't like nights in and nights out? Can't we just assume...

I mean, obviously homeless people would prefer more nights in.

Obviously.

Fritzl kids, you know, more nights out.

GROANING

What are you gonna do?

You know what, if I had my own dating website, right,

I would only have one question.

I wouldn't bother with all these questions they ask you.

One question, simple. "What's wrong with you?"

Because that's all we need to know. That is what it comes down to.

However you met someone,

be it via a dating website or in the real world,

the only thing you really want to know about them

is what's wrong with them.

Because we pretend to be someone we're not

when we first meet someone.

It's a super-us, isn't it? A good, decent, honest version of ourselves.

One of my pretences in the early stages, I pretend to be,

like, really hygienic.

You know, like I won't eat food off the floor in front of the bloke.

"No, I prepared it with hair and fluff and stuff on it."

Or I'll make a big deal about washing my hands

after I've been to the toilet, even though I'm pretending.

"Look at me, washy, washy, wash. All the way up to the elbow."

Sharing a bit too much now.

I'll tell you something that women pretend - we pretend,

in the early stages, that we don't fart.

That's one of the biggest pretences that we have going,

but I think, right, women should just let it out.

It's a big day in a girl's life

when she can freely let rip in front of her bloke.

It is. I think women should be having

"I farted in front of my boyfriend for the first time" parties.

They should be ringing their mums, going,

"Mum, I've got something to tell you."

"Oh, darling, what is it? What is it?"

"I just did a fart in front of Tom."

"Oh, darling, that's wonderful news! And what did he say?"

"He didn't say anything. He just laughed and farted back!"

"My little girl's all grown up."

Meanwhile, Dad'll be going,

"Women are farting far too early in front of their boyfriends these days.

"It was 18 months before your mother even trumped in my direction.

"Six months before she'd take a dump in the house when I was around."

Something else we pretend -

we keep the old, er, the lady garden quite tidy, us girls, in the early stages.

We do little tricks with it.

"Look, it's a strip, it's a Brazilian.

"Look, I put a hat on it, it's a Mexican." Like, we do...

We do all that in the early stages and then after about a year,

it looks like the back of the wardrobe that leads to Narnia.

"Well, if he wants it, he's going to have to work for it."

People say, "Andi, you could try meeting people in a nightclub."

You'll never meet anyone good in a nightclub,

because the nightclub environment is designed to have us make bad decisions.

It's dark, you can't see, you can't hear.

You know what, if nightclubs want to be responsible,

what they should do to help us out, is just before the exit, they should have a brightly lit room,

where you can check out the person you're leaving with.

They should call it the Have A Sodding Word With Yourself Lounge.

And you'd get women in there just going, "Oh, my god, you're wearing a fleece.

"I couldn't tell because it's so dark in there. OK, nice to meet you!"

But listen, if you meet somebody online,

all I'm going to say is there's some safety things to take into consideration.

Now, I met somebody through Twitter just the once - never again -

and it was the most irresponsible thing I've ever done. I spoke to a friend about it

and I said, "I've met this guy, and we seem to really like each other

"and we're talking about meeting up. Should I meet him?"

Before my mate had a chance to say anything,

I said, "I AM going to meet this guy. You know why? Cos life's too short."

And my mate just went, "Yeah, you're going to find out how short!"

And my mum says, "Look, if you go on these dates,

"make sure you meet in a public place."

I'm going to add something to that. Public place - brill.

Public house - excellent.

Public toilet...

Never meet in a public toilet. No good can come of it,

unless it's them space-age toilets that they have outside,

where you put the money in, press the button and then the door opens. Cos you can pretend it's Blind Date.

Oh, how good is that, you just put the money in, and press the button!

SHE HUMS BLIND DATE THEME

And if you don't like them, just press the button really quickly.

I don't know why young couples,

new couples, have got this obsession with finding out

how many people someone has been out with from before.

Like, how many previous partners? This is a lose/lose situation.

And if any of you have ever had that conversation,

or you think it's going to come up, this is what you should say, OK? Just say,

"You want to know how many previous partners? OK, I'll tell you from the beginning.

"One, two, three, four,

"YOU...

"six, seven..."

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely.

I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much! Good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Andi Osho!

Who else have we got? Jake Humphrey from Formula One.

ALL: Woo!

-Hello, love.

-Hello.

-What's your show about? What's it...?

No, I'm not being horrible. I've never heard of it.

-It's driving cars and stuff.

-Driving cars.

Oh, what do you think of those electric cars?

-Brilliant, good for the environment.

-Good for the environment. You know why I'm asking...

They asked me to be the face of electric cars.

No, because you know me surname's Carr?

They spent hours thinking this up, honestly, yeah.

And the money was good, I thought I'd do it, and then I saw the slogan.

"The car you don't have to stick your nozzle in and pump."

It's true, it's true. It took me ages....

-Honestly, how long did it take you to pass your test, Jake?

-First time.

Oh, don't you hate people, "first time?"

Do you know how long it took me? Four times, yeah.

The first time I failed me test it weren't my fault.

I had the wrong prescription in my glasses.

It had a concave lens.

Honestly, I kept veering off into the hedge and the verge.

Honestly, the poor instructor! I was screaming,

he was blackberry picking.

He was a pervert.

He liked me to go down the country lanes.

"Let's go down the country lanes, me and you.

"Let's go down the country lanes."

He liked me to drive over cattle grids

cos it made me chest jiggle.

Oh, can I tell you this, it's a bit personal?

I had a health scare, yeah, I caught something in a hot tub.

Now listen,

I hate hot tubs, yeah, I was round me friend's house,

we're having a nice meal,

the plates get taken away and he says,

"Hey, Alan...

"..grab a glass of wine, put some Speedos on,

"and come and join me and the wife in the hot tub."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What's wrong with an after-dinner mint,

why do I have to get in a hot tub?

They're wrong, hot tubs, ain't they, they're wrong?

It's like me inviting you all for dinner, then saying,

"I've run a bath, do you want to get in?

"No, wait, I'll push it into the front lawn

"so the neighbours can see us."

We haven't got the views over here, have we?

Fair enough if you're in California watching the sun set on the horizon,

but over here, a rusty swingball

and a fox going through your rubbish!

Oh, look, a syringe. Ooh!

Do you know, I had to have a Well Man test.

You know, where they test everything over,

because like I said, I had that health scare.

And I'd put on weight on everything.

I know I'm fat now, but I really put on weight.

You know you've got fat when someone uses your love handles

to get to a disabled toilet.

She started asking embarrassing questions.

"Do you find your clothes are a bit tighter than normal?"

I said, "My poncho's chaffing, you do the math."

She checked everything over, yeah,

but she checked my balls.

Honestly, she checked my balls and she was down there for ages.

And she started pulling the same face I pull

when I'm trying to Sky+.

You don't know what to say. She's got your balls in her hand, what can you say?

"Go compare! Go compare!" You can't!

But once one thing goes, you think everything's going to go.

Have you ever been in a posh car

and they've put the heated seats on without telling you?

"Ooh, no.

"Oh, no, you haven't.

"Not in a Nissan Sunny!"

This kind of shit happens to me.

I think it's time for our second comedian,

he's absolutely brilliant.

Hammersmith, go mad, go crazy

and welcome to the stage the one and only Patrick Kielty!

-Woo!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Thank you very much. Good evening, Apollo, how are we?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Good, good, we're all here, all ready to laugh Britain

out of recession,

that's...that's what it is,

cos it's tough times,

it's tough for everybody, tough to be Irish at the minute,

tough to be Irish in London at the minute.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Any Irish in?

-AUDIENCE: Whey!

-Whey, yeah.

The Polish have stolen all the building work.

The Muslims have stolen all the terrorism work.

Yeah, it...

"They come over here, they steal our bombs!"

I tell you, that was good while it lasted,

honestly, that was the greatest scam that Irish people ever had.

Blow it up on a Friday,

start building it again on a Monday, that was great!

"Have you much work on at the minute, Seamus?"

"Not much, Michael." "Leave it with me."

And can I just say, guys, as someone from Northern Ireland,

can I just say,

congratulations on your riots, London, that was...

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Yeah, round of applause for the riots there,

that's...one, or two,

only the people that actually rioted applauding there, that was good.

People who rioted thinking other people were going to join in.

It brought me back to my childhood,

it really did, it did.

It was just the right mixture between excitement and fear.

It reminded me of being an altar boy again. It...

And the great thing about it for me

was that that people asked my opinion.

They kind of think that when you're from Northern Ireland,

you're an expert.

Which is kind of nice,

or racist, really, it's kind of racist.

I went on Daybreak during the riots,

as if London wasn't suffering enough,

and I kid you not, right, Adrian Chiles asked me, he said,

"So before we talk about what you're here to talk about,

"disgraceful scenes in London, last night,

"you're from Belfast, Patrick, what do you think?"

I'm like, "Well, Adrian, most of these kids are only doing this

"because they grew up in shitholes.

"You're from Birmingham, what do you think?"

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS

-So...

What was he expecting?!

Was he expecting some type of post-match analysis from me?

-IMITATES ALAN HANSEN:

-"Technically very, very poor, badly organised.

"You might pick up a plasma in this country

"with that type of performance,

"but in Europe they'll eat you for breakfast."

I like a riot as much as anybody else,

but, you know, we need a cause.

We need a cause that we can all believe in.

Whatever happened to taking to the streets

and getting behind the great rallying cries?

"I have a dream." "We shall overcome."

"If you like, you should have put a ring on it."

# Oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh...

I kind of feel a bit let down by Beyonce, I have to say.

Does any other man in the room feel let down by Beyonce?

I remember when Beyonce used to be here for us men.

You could rely on Beyonce.

When Beyonce used to shake her stuff purely for men.

# I don't think you're ready for this jelly

# I don't think you're ready for this jelly

# I don't think you're ready for this

# My body too bootilicious for you, baby. #

-That's... That's kind of...

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's when Beyonce was being Beyonce.

None of this, "If you like it, you should have put a ring on it." Eh?

What's all that about?

She's gone from a pole-dancing sex kitten

to an Irish Catholic nun in three singles, hasn't she?

# No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... #

And as we all know, that's a lie.

I find, guys, if you like it, never put a ring on it. I find.

I find if you like it,

put a nice pair of shoes on it every few months.

And that'll give you a much more regular level of service, I find.

So I've given up on Beyonce.

I've basically replaced Beyonce with Rihanna,

because obviously Rihanna...

-Any Rihanna fans in?

-WHOOPING

Rihanna, of course, much more wholesome.

No, she is. A lot of people don't know this, but Rihanna,

very good to her family, very nice to her grandmother.

Most people don't know but her biggest hit, she actually

wrote that after visiting her grandmother in the nursing home.

# Ooh, Nana, what's my name?

# Oh, Nana, what's my name?

"What... What's my name?

"Hello? Nana? What's my name, Nana?"

But Nana didn't know her name.

Cos they'd just given her her medication.

We love a knee-jerk reaction in this country,

they were talking about whether, you know...

How are we going to prevent trouble next time round?

And we said, we'll shut down Twitter and BBM.

Great, put us up there with Syria and Saudi Arabia.

That's good work, isn't it?

Well, I've got a better idea.

Next time there's any trouble, we'll just get onto the phone companies

and ask them to only forward texts that are spelt properly

and are grammatically correct.

That's... I'm thinking...

..I'm thinking that might thin the crowd down a little bit.

It'll just be Joan Bakewell and Stephen Fry outside the Apple store.

"Stephen, who does this iPad belong to?"

"No, no, Joan, I think you'll find

"it's to whom does this iPad belong?"

But we've basically given up,

we've given up on spelling, we've given up on mental arithmetic.

I saw Wayne Rooney on the TV

a few weeks ago.

Wayne Rooney said, "The lads gave 150%."

No, Wayne, that's...

they can't give 150%, that's kind of not possible,

it's like, who's going to take Wayne aside

and explain that in terms that Wayne understands?

You can't have more than 100%, Wayne, you've 150...

It's like having two hookers in your room

and trying to shag three of them, Wayne.

It's, um...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I love David Cameron's answer to the trouble.

David Cameron, to prevent social unrest next time round, he says,

"We need to encourage more marriage."

That's the solution for all our problems in this country.

To prevent antisocial behaviour,

random acts of violence and binge drinking - more marriage.

Is he the only man in this country that hasn't seen

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? It's...

For me, it's amazing what you get away with

when you give something a cuddly title -

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding -

and really, what the programme makers mean by that is,

"Let's watch pikeys on the piss."

That's kind of...

That's kind of why we watch it.

The programme makers say, "No, no.

"These programmes are a social study

"into the individual and cultural differences within the UK."

So that's why the advert for Seven Dwarves features a two-foot man

trying to get a book off a six-foot shelf, is that right?

We all know what these shows mean,

Big Fat Gypsy Wedding - laugh at pikeys,

The Only Way Is Essex - laugh at chavs...

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Um...

Geordie Shore - laugh at chavs with no coats.

Made in Chelsea - laugh at wankers!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Seven Dwarves - laugh at midgets,

Embarrassing Bodies - laugh at people with odd-shaped testicles,

that's basically it.

Has the word "embarrassing" changed since I was small?

Cos when I had a pimple on my nose,

I wasn't going to school for two days, and apparently now

if you've got balls the size of a space hopper

or labia like elephant's ears...

..you go on TV and show everybody, that's...

"What's that?

"Oh, I'm mortified! Oh!

"Don't look. Get a close-up. I'm mortified!"

We've basically lost our sense of collective shame.

That's kind of what's happened, isn't it? I'm totally confused.

When I get a girl's phone number, I don't know whether to call her

and ask her to dinner or just text her a picture of my cock.

When? When did that become a chat-up line? That's what I want to know.

Eh? The day that a man had the technical ability

to send a picture of his penis to another woman,

that's the day romance died for me, it really is.

Who knows, maybe that's what Alexander Graham Bell

had in mind all those years ago back in 1876

in his Boston laboratory when he invented the telephone.

"Alexander, to be able to speak to another person

by means of an electrical cable in another room is the future."

"No, no."

"The future is that one day,

"footballers will communicate with prostitutes solely by this device,

"by texting pictures of their penises.

"Or peni. Or whatever the plural for penises is."

Ah, footballers.

I tell you, I feel sorry for George Best, that's who I feel sorry for.

Could you imagine the damage that George Best would've done

with a mobile phone, eh?

There wouldn't have been a woman safe.

If George ever wanted to send a picture of his cock,

he'd have had to call up David Bailey,

organise a photo shoot in the kitchen,

take the film down to Boots the chemist,

find out the girl's address

and then hand-deliver it in an A4 brown envelope

with "Do not bend" put on the front.

Technology has ruined romance.

We're in contact 24 hours a day. We never have to say goodbye.

There's no "adieu," there's no "farewell,"

there's no "when will I see you again?"

All the love songs have been ruined.

# I'm leaving on a jet plane

# Don't know when I'll be back again.... #

But I'll Skype you.

It doesn't work. No-one hears it through the grapevine any more.

# I bet you're wondering how I knew... #

Actually, I updated my Facebook status. So...

# I drove all night to get to you... #

Should've just texted me a picture of your cock

and saved the petrol money.

I love that song.

# I drove all night

# Crept in your room

# Is that all right? #

No, Roy, that's not all right.

That's not even right if you're Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

Folks, you've been fantastic, I've been Patrick Kielty,

thank you very much, Apollo, good night, thank you, cheers.

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Patrick Kielty!

Have you had a good night, Hammersmith?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Give it up for Patrick Kielty.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-And Andi Osho.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

I've been Alan Carr. See you!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

-Thank you, bye.