Episode 4 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight, Andy Parsons!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...

CHEERING ..and welcome to Live At The Apollo.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

How are we doing? Are we all right?

CHEERING

Cos they say, right, that even though we're in a recession,

they're saying that the sale of alcohol has gone up

over the last couple of years...

-Whoo!

-..as have the sale of pies.

That is the British way to deal with a crisis, isn't it?

Oh, well, if we're going to be poor, we may as well be fat and pissed.

LAUGHTER

But you could argue there's a lot of people in Britain at the moment

who have, in fact, got too much money.

I would personally argue

anybody who's ever bought the autobiography

of the talking meerkat,

Aleksandr Orlov...

..you have too much money.

Anybody who's ever bought glow-in-the-dark loo roll,

you have too much money.

Anybody who's ever bought

a cosy sofa blanket with sleeves, called a Slanket...

Oh, yes, I've got some guilty people in my audience tonight.

I would also say that anybody who regularly buys Innocent smoothies.

How expensive are they?

£2.49 for a bottle the size of a specimen sample...

..and they have the cheek to call them Innocent.

Go to a supermarket, buy a banana.

It will cost you 20 pence.

Take a big bite, go, mw-mw-mw-mwoo!

You will just have saved yourself £2.29.

LAUGHTER

So, in the audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we have Ben Brown, Ben Brown from BBC News!

CHEERING

Ben, of course, he's been to Chechnya,

he's been to Iraq,

he's been to Kosovo, he's been to Afghanistan.

I'm guessing he's not going to sign up

for a second series of Celebrity Coach Trip.

Obviously, we have been in Afghanistan

coming up for ten years.

And the reason we went into Afghanistan to begin with,

was we went in with the help of Pakistan to try and find Al-Qaeda.

Now it appears that Al-Qaeda have in fact, left Afghanistan

and gone to Pakistan,

but we can't actually go and find them in Pakistan

because Pakistan is our friend

and they're still helping us look for them in Afghanistan.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The government we're currently supporting in Afghanistan,

Transparency International,

they reckon that they are the second most corrupt government

in the world,

second only to Somalia,

which, of course, doesn't have a government at all.

Somalia is where the pirates are.

These pirates who say, "We weren't always pirates.

"We were fishermen, but because we don't have a government,

"a lot of countries took the piss.

"They came and fished in our waters,

"so we realised we had to arm ourselves.

"Then, once we'd armed ourselves,

"we realised we didn't have to do any fishing, any more."

Although you're thinking,

"They could go back to fishing, couldn't they?"

Let's face it, I don't think too many people

are going to be doing too much fishing off the coast of Somalia

for some time to come.

Although, that is the sort of extreme fishing

I would love to see Robson Green doing.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

We'd pay good money, wouldn't we, to see Robson Green

in a small fishing boat, off the coast of Mogadishu,

singing at the top of his voice, Unchained Melody?

But you wonder if some of the things that we've put in place

to combat terrorism,

whether these measures are proportional

to the threat that we actually face.

The FBI were forced to admit

that the Times Square bomber in New York -

they said he was an amateur -

the reason was, is he had in fact used non-explosive fertiliser.

Yeah, he hadn't created a bomb -

he'd basically created a garden in the back of his SUV.

If he'd been a suicide bomber, he'd have pulled the pin on his jacket

and a little bit of compost would have trickled down his leg.

And even in this country,

we've had a few problems with the police, haven't we?

They were criticised for the Raoul Moat killing

because they'd used two Tasers on him,

two Tasers that weren't authorised for use.

Turns out, in America, 43 out of 50 states,

Tasers are legal for the police,

but get this -

they are also legal for the general public.

Oh, that is incredible, isn't it?

I'm grateful they're not legal in this country.

Cos let's face it, if you had one, you'd be tempted, wouldn't you?

Oh, some yob riding his bike on the pavement,

bumps into somebody - Taser.

Some bloke jumps the queue in Tesco - Taser.

Next door neighbour,

cat shit in your garden...

Taser.

God squad knocking on your door, nine o'clock, Sunday morning...

"Can you see the light?"

"No, but you're about to!"

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we have Nick Knowles, Nick Knowles from DIY SOS in!

CHEERING

Nick Knowles, a man I am reliably informed

is like catnip to menopausal women.

But a lot of these celebrities,

they're all taking out super-injunctions now, aren't they?

Andrew Marr confessed he'd had a super-injunction to prevent

some woman from telling that he was having an affair.

This woman was a journalist and you're thinking,

"Surely if you're going to have an affair,

"don't have an affair with somebody who writes for a living.

"Have an affair with Wayne Rooney."

He's never going to be able to write, is he?

You're thinking when he's got to sign his own name,

that man has days when he has to check the back of his shirt...

..and even then, he writes down "10".

APPLAUSE

But you'd hope, wouldn't you...?

I guess celebrities, like everybody, just want to be happy

and I always think I would love Adele to be happy.

Adele, she's had two award-winning albums, 19 and 21,

21 - a lot of you I'm sure have got it -

best-selling album in the world this year

and you listen to it and you think, "I'm not sure she is happy."

Track number one - Rolling In The Deep.

She and a bloke, they could have had it all,

but sadly they haven't.

Moving on to track number two - Rumour Has It.

We find out why she's not had a great time with her bloke -

cos her bloke has pissed off with somebody else

and they now have it all.

So then it's track number three, Turning Tables.

She and her bloke, they're at war,

but she doesn't know what they're fighting for.

Well, I'm guessing they're fighting

cos he's pissed off with another woman.

So track number four, Don't You Remember?

No, he doesn't remember, because he's not there, cos he's pissed off.

So track number five - she decides she's so unhappy

she sets fire to the rain.

Only thing is the rain burns and she starts crying.

Track number six - He Won't Go.

Fairly self-explanatory - he went, now he's come back, how he won't go.

Track number seven, Take It All -

now he has gone, but he's taken it all.

Track number eight, I'll Be Waiting.

Yes, so he went, he came back,

he wouldn't go, he's taken it all,

now he's pissed off again

and she's waiting for him to come back.

Track number nine, One And Only -

she has decided that he is the one and only.

Sadly, he's not decided that she is the one and only,

because he's not there, cos he's pissed off.

So track number ten, Love Song - you're thinking this sounds better,

then you listen to the lyrics...

"Oh, whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel fun again

"Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel young again."

You're thinking, "She's only 21!

"How young does this bloke make her feel?!"

It seems she's finally found somebody,

only she's found a sodding paedophile!

APPLAUSE

So you've come to the last track on the album,

Someone Like You.

This bloke has gone and married somebody else,

so she wants to find somebody like him.

This is the bloke who she fought a war with,

made her cry, left her, came back, wouldn't go, took everything,

then went, married somebody else,

and made her dress like an 11-year-old!

Surely she should write a track,

Somebody Never Like You Ever, Ever Again -

After 12 Songs, I've Learned Me Sodding Lesson!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

But things can change very quickly.

If things are going well,

and I hope they are, things can change very quickly.

A lot of people in Britain

thought the volcanic ash crisis was bullshit.

Turns out it's a very real phenomenon.

Happened over Indonesia, a big ash cloud,

British Airways flight went through it.

And basically, there is a transcript

of what the pilot came on the Tannoy and said to the passengers,

cos all four engines had stopped.

This is the transcript -

"Hello, this is your captain speaking.

"I'm afraid all four engines have stopped.

"We're doing our damnedest to restart them.

"I hope you're not in too much distress."

Imagine you'd been on that flight,

imagine what would have been going through your head -

"My goodness me!

"I wasn't in too much distress until you come on the Tannoy!

"I knew it was quiet but I didn't know why!

"If you were going to come on the Tannoy,

"the best thing you could have done was just to continuously go..."

IMITATES SOUND OF AN ENGINE

We have, ladies and gentlemen, Alan Duncan MP in tonight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I have to say,

I think it's very brave of an MP to turn up.

I'm quite surprised, obviously, that an MP should turn up

to a gig with free tickets,

cos it's not like they can even claim it on expenses, is it?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It will be, it will be a first for the Hammersmith Apollo, though.

Not the fact that they have an MP in here,

but it'll be the first time it's been designated as a second home.

Tina Fey, when she was ridiculing Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live,

they said, "How'd you come up with your material?"

and she said, "Well, basically I just repeat what Sarah Palin said

"and people laugh."

And you're thinking, that's the ultimate, isn't it?

Getting politicians to write your material for you.

Got to be worth a go.

We have a Work & Pensions Minister called Chris Grayling.

He recently said, when asked about the benefits cap

the coalition are thinking of introducing,

he said, "It won't lead to any homelessness,

"but it may lead to individual cases of housing mobility."

LAUGHTER

David Cameron,

when he was asked about drugs in the Bullingdon Club and rioting,

he said, "It didn't matter what I got up to at university,

"I didn't know I was going in to politics."

And you're thinking, he must have had a reasonable idea,

because at university he studied politics.

And Nick Clegg said,

"I need to say this -

"you shouldn't trust any government, actually, including this one."

Now, after the tuition fees, I think he's on fairly safe ground there.

People saying that the tuition fees

will lead to a two-tier university system.

That is, of course, to say

we don't already have a two-tier university system.

You can usually tell from the name, can't you?

If it's a major city followed by the word, "University,"

it tends to be top-tier, doesn't it?

Whereas, if it's the name of an area,

or got the name of a person,

or the word, "Metropolitan" in it...

All I'm saying is, you hear somebody is off

to the West of Cumbria John Brookes Metropolitan University,

you think there's a fair chance they're doing Media Studies.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In America, they have the rise

of the Christian fundamentalist right

in the form of the Tea Party

or as they otherwise like to be known as...Tea-Baggers.

Tea-bagging means something very different over here.

I can't wait for Sarah Palin to arrive in Britain and go,

"Hello, I'm a Tea-Bagger."

APPLAUSE

Some of you clapping,

some of you may have to have that one explained to you

at the end of the show.

For those of you who don't know much about the Tea Party,

there is a woman called Christine O'Donnell.

Now, Google her, she is hilarious.

She is often on Fox TV, comes out with some great statements,

things like, "Masturbation is sinful and the equivalent of adultery."

And the thing is, she's actually quite fit.

So I wonder how many people in America

are watching her on the telly, cracking one off...

..and trying to justify it as an act of political rebellion.

LAUGHTER

Cos I have noticed there seems to have been

a rise of super-wanking recently.

Auto-asphyxiation,

wanking and strangling.

I mean, who takes their trousers down for a wank,

sees the belt around their ankles

and thinks, "Sod it, that's doing nothing at the moment.

"I think I'll strangle myself with that"?

Who's done the research?

Who said starving yourself of oxygen was going to make things better?

I have held my breath under water at a swimming baths,

but let me tell you, it never gave me a ginormous stiffy...

..for which I am grateful.

I think if I was having a wank and I started strangling,

I think it'd put me off the wank.

I'm not great at multitasking as it is.

I think if I was wanking and strangling,

I'd be worried I was doing too much strangling and not enough wanking.

I don't think it'd help when people say,

"It don't matter if it goes wrong -

"you'll die with a smile on your face."

I don't think you would.

I think you'd die with a look of sheer panic on your face

going, "I knew that was too tight!

"This isn't how I want me mother to remember me!"

APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING

I've made myself giggle, I can only apologise.

It came a bit out of left field, didn't it?

From politics to smut in one easy leap.

All of that talk...

makes me think of relaxing back in my dressing room.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

If I should not come out after the second act,

if you could please tell my family it was merely

an experiment for comedy purposes...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Maybe I'll just have a drink.

So...it is time for our first act.

Ladies and gents, would you please welcome

the fantastic Andrew Lawrence!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, thank you very much.

A lovely, warm welcome.

How nice to be here.

Never quite sure how to start one of these gigs, to be honest.

My agent says, "Andrew, always smile when you walk on stage,

"because you have got quite a scary face.

"If you don't smile, Andrew,

"you look like you're going to physically assault someone."

I said, "Well, that is true, but sadly if I do smile

"I look like I'm going to sexually assault someone."

LAUGHTER

It's not really any better, is it?

Well done for coming out tonight.

It's important, isn't it,

to go out, have a little bit of fun, enjoy life?

Life is hard.

Some people struggle, don't they?

Some people are having a hard time, they can't really cope,

they can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

In many respects, that serves them right.

If you're in a tunnel and there's no light at the end,

that's a cave, dickhead!

LAUGHTER

You need to turn around and walk out the same way you came in.

It's a hard world.

There's too much rudeness in the world! I had...

this kid came up to me in the supermarket,

he's about ten years old, cocky,

flapping a Bag For Life in my face.

He said, "Oi, mate, will this bag last for the whole of my life?"

"I don't know, my little friend.

"Why don't you put it over your head for three or four minutes?

"I'm sure we'll find out!"

There's a lot of rudeness in the world.

I don't like this word "banter" that people use increasingly.

I hear people using the word banter, I don't like it.

It's a word people use as an excuse

for behaving in an unacceptable, inappropriate manner, like,

"Barry, your little boy's just locked himself in the toilet.

"It's his eighth birthday, he's crying his eyes out,

"what have you said to him?"

"I told him he was adopted, mate."

"Why did you do that, Barry?"

"Just a bit of banter."

It's not really, it is? It's a singular display of insensitivity,

a total disregard for the feelings of other people.

"You're contributing nothing to society, Barry,

"you're bringing no happiness into the world whatsoever.

"We'd all be better off if you were dead."

"That's a bit harsh, mate."

"Not really, Barry, just a bit of banter, isn't it?

-"Just a bit of..."

-APPLAUSE

Hard world. Too many people, isn't there?

Too many people in the world, I think.

We're all getting in each other's way, all the time.

I was in the car the other day,

there were a load of slow-moving cars in front of me -

I thought, "How is it possible people could be driving this slowly?

"Even if you were just out for a leisurely jaunt,

"you would still be driving quicker than this.

"Driving this slowly requires genuine mental effort,

"physical restraint.

"They must be doing it on purpose just to aggravate me."

I'm shouting, I'm angry, I've got my family in the car,

they're getting upset, like, "Shut up, Andrew,

"you're ruining grandad's funeral procession!"

We're all working so hard, aren't we? Everything is so expensive.

I went to the dentist recently - I paid £60 for a filling.

That's expensive, isn't it?

A Spanish dentist, of all things.

I'd never heard of such a thing.

I didn't even know such things existed.

-IN HISPANIC ACCENT:

-"Open wide." "I'm opening wide."

"Open a leetle bit wider."

"This is very wide."

"Open wider." "My face is splitting now."

I can't really do Spanish, so I've made him Mexican.

"I'm going to drill a leetle hole in one of your teeth.

"It is going to be uncomfortable and embarrassing.

"You're going to feel your whole skull

"rattling around inside your head.

"It's only going to take six or seven meenutes.

"Then you're going to pay me the equivalent of a whole day's wages

"for someone who works in a motorway service station."

"Shall we begi-i-i-in?"

"Yes, why not? I can't think of a better way

"to spend my time and money. Seriously, £60 for a filling?

"If it's any cheaper, just go ahead and knock the whole tooth out.

"I'll stick some Lego in there or something."

He's honest as well.

That's the last thing I want from a dentist, honesty.

"Thees is going to be excruciating.

"This will be the worse pain you have ever felt in your life.

"I am going to scrape the scrape-y instrument all along your gums.

"You are going to scream and cry like a leetle girl.

"I am going to laugh in your face."

-TO MELODY OF "La Cucaracha":

-"Ha-ha-ha ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha ha-ha!"

APPLAUSE

You've got to go to the dentist, haven't you, from time to time?

You've got to do these things, you've got to keep up appearances.

Got to be presentable.

Quite a well turned-out audience, well-dressed people.

I like to see that.

I try and make an effort if I'm on the telly,

but a lot of the time I buy my clothes

from the cheap discount shops.

People say, "Andrew, that's unethical.

"Don't buy your clothes from those cheap discount shops.

"All those clothes have been made by Indonesian orphans

"in sweatshop conditions."

I don't want to sound harsh, but I couldn't really give a hoot,

because I remember when I was 11 years old - every Wednesday morning,

I was forced to get up at the crack of dawn,

go to school, double physics in the morning,

maths and geography before lunch,

in the afternoon, they forced me to play rugby for two and a half hours,

my head in a scrum,

some chunky fat kid's arm up between my legs grabbing my bits and pieces.

15 stinky, grizzled...trying to sit on top of me, break my back?

Compared to that, the way I see it,

a little bit of shoe stitching seems positively enticing!

APPLAUSE

I've got to try and be presentable. I don't think I'm a vain person.

I'd quite like to have a beard.

31 years old now and I can't grow a beard. That's pathetic, isn't it?

Pathetic and I haven't got much in the way of body hair.

I've got the basics, upstairs, downstairs, but...

In some ways it's a good thing, isn't it? A ginger, pasty man -

too much body hair just looks like someone's tramped on a Scotch egg.

APPLAUSE

I don't really... I don't really like the hairdresser either,

I don't like the hairdresser.

I don't like all the chit-chat you get at the hairdresser.

Last time I went to the hairdresser, I thought I'd go to the posh one.

At least if I go to a posh hairdresser,

I won't get all the chit-chat.

It was even worse.

It was all I could manage just to get past the reception.

There are about 30 people in this place

doing the same job with different job titles.

"Who would you like to see? The stylish, junior stylist,

"senior stylist, style director,

"creative director, artistic director,

"senior director of artistic creation,

"stylistic director of creative assistance?

"Who would you like to see?"

"Just someone with fingers...

"..and scissors.

"And a good eye for symmetry."

"Jackie!"

This lady's cutting my hair, she's a nice lady,

but she's asking questions. "What do you do for a living?"

I couldn't face the truth. I said, "I drive a bus."

"What bus?" "Just...a big, red bus."

"What sort of salary are you on?" "An annual one."

I don't like to tell people this is what I do for a living.

I, er, find it quite embarrassing,

being a comedian.

Some nights I'm on stage and think, "Urgh, why did I do that?

"Why did I say that? What an idiot."

I suppose life is full of little embarrassments, though, isn't it?

I, er... I farted in a lift one day last week.

That's embarrassing, isn't it?

It just crept up on me.

There was a man in the lift, I didn't know him.

He wouldn't have heard it, but I thought, "For once in my life,

"I'm going to do the decent, honourable thing here.

"I'm going to own up and apologise."

I said, "I'm really sorry, I've just farted in this lift by accident."

I wanted him to say,

"That's all right, mate - better out than in, wahay!"

Then we'd have a chuckle about it, forget it ever happened.

That's not what he did.

I said, "I'm really sorry, I've just farted in this lift by accident."

He said, "Oh, for goodness' sake, can't you control yourself?"

That's degrading, isn't it? Humiliating.

I was hurt, I was angry, I was upset.

I noticed we still had five floors left to travel.

I thought, "To hell with it!"

I squeezed another one out just to spite him.

WHOOPING

I like being a comedian.

It's got its perks, like, who's been at work this week?

Give me a cheer - one, two, three...

-AUDIENCE:

-Whay!

Give me a cheer if you get up before seven for work.

Whay!

And if you get up before six for work.

Whay!

Well, I admire that, you know?

I admire you people.

That takes self-discipline

to get up at six every morning for work and I admire it.

I'll be honest with you, I got up at six the other day...

went for a piss, went back to bed, got up at 11.

HE GIGGLES

That's right, applaud my laziness.

Sometimes I set the alarm clock for six, just for a joke.

I'll roll over, have a chuckle, go back to sleep.

Sometimes I put it on snooze, just to tease myself.

People say, "Andrew, if you never get up before 11,

"that's a sign of depression."

"Are you sure? I'll be honest, it makes me feel quite smug and happy."

You have to get a good night's sleep, don't you? It's important.

I was sharing a bed with a very restless sleeper.

-That's right, I've got a girlfriend, she's real and...

-Whoo!

Patronising, over there.

She's a very restless sleeper.

The other night, the middle of the night, she's prodding me,

shaking me, like, "Psst, Andrew.

"Psst, Andrew."

"What? What is it?" "Just going to toilet."

"Oh, thanks for letting me know.

"What is it you'd like me to do?

"You want me to come with you, hold your hand?"

She goes to toilet, comes back,

I said, "How was that, was that all right?"

"Yeah, it was all right, yeah."

"Did you get rid of everything you needed to get rid of?"

"Yeah."

"Flush the toilet?" "No."

"Why not?" "Didn't want to wake you up."

Who's having an alcoholic beverage tonight? Give me a cheer.

-Whay!

-Who's not having an alcoholic beverage? Give me a cheer.

Whay!

I think we know who sounded happier.

Last time I had a night out, I lost my phone.

That's aggravating, isn't it? I'm CURSED with mobile phones.

I don't like them, I've never got on with them.

I still don't really understand the etiquette of text messaging.

If someone sends you a text message,

how long can you leave that message without replying,

without seeming rude?

Depends on the message, doesn't it?

If it's from an old friend,

"Hey, Andrew, I haven't seen you in ages, let's catch up some time,"

you could probably leave it about a week.

But if it's from your gran... "I can't get out of the bath!"

..you probably can't leave that

more than two or three days, really, can you? You can't.

Everybody's telling me to get some flashy, expensive mobile phone.

I don't want one.

I'm out late at night doing gigs,

I don't want to carry valuable things around with me...

in case I get mugged.

I've got a cheap, rubbish phone.

That way, if someone comes up to me late at night,

"Give me your phone, reject!"

"Certainly, my friend, take it, it's got a two-megapixel camera.

"Doesn't sound like much, but some people's faces look better blurry."

"I don't want that rubbish phone."

"No, take the phone, my friend, it's fully charged!

"You can get internet on that phone sometimes,

"if you smack it against a hard surface."

"I don't want that rubbish phone!"

"I don't want it either!"

"It's your phone."

"I don't want it." "Well, throw it away."

"You can't throw it away, you've got to recycle these things.

"You put it in a little bag,

"you send it to Oxfam,

"Oxfam put it in a box, they send it halfway around the world

"to starving people in Africa,

"starving people in Africa open the box, they say,"

-AFRICAN ACCENT:

-"What the hell is this?"

LAUGHTER

"I don't want this crappy phone.

"I thought this box would have a cake in it.

"This is a bad day for me.

"What is this text message?

" 'Gran: I can't get out of the bath.' "

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a privilege tonight.

Thank you very much, have a wonderful evening, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Andrew Lawrence!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...

the master of the one-liner, Mr Milton Jones!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, good evening!

CHEERING

Somewhere...

between murder...

..and suicide...

..there is a place called...

Merseyside.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tell me, does anyone here own a cat?

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

Your houses stink.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Someone's got to tell 'em.

Some people like cats, some don't.

I was reading the other day, apparently the Pope...

he's a cataholic.

Catholic.

I've had an interesting job recently.

I pretended to be a Spanish dentist.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, that doesn't normally work.

They said about me, that I was too immature to be a father,

but when I saw the first few seconds of my son's life,

-I thought to myself...

-HE LAUGHS

.."He's naked!"

When my daughter was born she had jaundice,

so there she was - small, round and...yellow.

We called her Melanie.

LAUGHTER

My parents came up last weekend,

cos I keep them in the cellar.

That's not true!

I don't know who they are.

When I was young, I used to walk through the front door

and was hit by roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

Open the airing cupboard - spaghetti Bolognese all over me.

We literally didn't know where the next meal was coming from.

My grandparents, their names are Pearl and Dean.

Of course, we just know them as

gran and grandpapa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Any students here?

Whoo!

Your houses stink.

Someone's got to tell 'em.

Don't talk to me about unemployment -

I come from a tiny fishing village in Derbyshire.

I worked... It's not near the sea.

I worked as a doctor for the World Health Organization.

I didn't mean to, I thought I was auditioning for Doctor Who.

You know, when you're in a relationship...

..what's that like?

HE GUFFAWS

I always imagined going out with a girl who was, you know...

..deformed.

A girl came up to me the other day and she said, "You know,

"you can tell someone's personality by what kind of car they drive."

I said, "I'm going to stop you there - I haven't got one."

I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down on the pedal.

Turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.

So, sisters, you know you really like that song, It's Raining Men?

Is that cos you really love men?

Or you love the idea of them all

falling out of the sky, going splat on the ground really hard?

-Whoo!

-Maybe it's cos you like the idea of them

going splat on the ground really hard -

is that cos you really hate men?

Or you love the idea of cleaning up?

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Recently on a flight to America, all the way across my wife was going,

"Why don't you get an upgrade?

"Why don't you get an upgrade?"

Took a bit of time, but in the end I got a better wife.

In America, you can be who you want to be.

In fact, taxi drivers meet you at the airport

with suggestions on pieces of card.

I decided to be Professor Aaron Leibowitz.

I was whisked across town to address a conference on clinical psychology.

Briefly.

When I was in America, I really got into the culture.

I went into the shop and a guy said, "Have a nice day!"

and I didn't, so I sued him.

During the course of conversation,

he said the phrase, "Well, you do the math."

I said, "Don't you mean, 'You do the maths?'

"That word is five letters, not four."

He said, "What's the difference?" I said, "One."

"You do the math...

"..ssss."

I've just come back from China.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

-Thanks, it's great to be back.

Saw the Great Wall of China.

Actually, I closed my eyes, cos recently I read a book,

Ten Things You Have To See Before You Die and I'd seen the other nine.

Didn't want to take any chances.

Got on a train to Newcastle the other day.

A guard came on and said,

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-"When we arrive, it will be 1938."

Time travel!

We were a bit late, though, we arrived in the mid '70s.

Don't get me wrong, I love Geordies,

but they're always looking for similes, aren't they?

"I was walking down the road, like."

APPLAUSE

Anyone here from up north?

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

Your houses stink.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can't believe you fell for that.

People from up north tend to be a bit depressed.

Grand Old Duke of York - manic depressive.

Well, when he was up, he was up...

Those reward cards are rubbish, aren't they?

I got too many points on one of them and now I'm not allowed to drive.

Well, it's nice to have been here.

Some of us have been able to share our joy by laughing out loud.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER CACKLES

-Like that.

LAUGHTER

Others by staring.

To be fair, one or two of you have been smirking.

Well, enjoy that while you can, cos they've banned smoking and smacking.

Any aromatherapists here?

TWO AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Shame, I had something for that.

I've just come back from Ireland.

Whoo!

It's great to be back.

Went into a pub there, no-one would talk to me,

the beer was flat and they'd just stopped serving food.

Anyway, it turns out it was one of those English theme pubs.

That's all from me. Thank you very much. Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please give it up for the two acts you've seen tonight -

Andrew Lawrence...

CHEERING

..and Milton Jones.

CHEERING

I've been Andy Parsons.

Thank you very much. Good night.