Dog Miranda

Good evening. I'm all pumped today.

You know when you're a bit kind of like...

You know, kind of...

life can be fun.

Yeah?

I'll stop, it's on the cusp of embarrassing, isn't it?

Good word, cusp. Satisfying. Cusp!

So, previously in my life.

Stevie and I get in to one of our silly competitions.

And...go!

No stabbing, she stabbed a ball.

Cheat.

People constantly underestimate me because I like to have fun.

Life's stressful enough. Fun it up.

The "girls" always underestimate me.

Mind you, the last time I was with them socially...

A bit sweaty.

Oh! The shirt, it's run off with the jumper like a whore.

But listen up. I have bravely accepted their invitation to

Henley Regatta on Saturday, so social elite here I come.

Right, onwards with the show, my friends.

Hello, my little friend.

Hello, my enormous colleague.

Nice. What's that?

I found it over there on the floor. Someone must have dropped it.

-Shouldn't we report it?

-No, he'll come back.

And I'll be waiting. You know, bad luck, losing his wallet.

Good luck, meeting the bombshell that rescued it...me.

You think it's some kind of "sign"?

Please, that's such a load of rubbish.

-Oh, hello!

-Not bad, eh?

Yeah. What's his name? Robert Husband?

It's a sign.

What else. Oh, he's got a dog.

-I know.

-Cute. Oh, self-defence classes.

I know, if he's the teacher, fit, and if he just goes to the class,

cutely vulnerable. Phwoar!

Well, maybe he left it for me.

No, I'm not being rude. But if someone's choosing between us,

come on, they'll choose me. I'm not being rude, but you're just...

you're a bit unusual.

No, no, no, no! I'm not being rude,

but you'd have to get to know you to find you attractive.

Excuse me. Saying "I'm not being rude" before something rude doesn't make it not rude.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, feeling small?

Well, let us not forget I am blessed with "the allure".

Well, I could have "the allure".

-No, you don't have the allure.

-How do you know I don't?

Because I have the allure and anyone with the allure can automatically identify its presence.

Oh, well, that's very convenient of "the allure".

Well, that's the nature of the allure.

Well, at the most you have wiles.

So, at the least I have wiles.

-Do you even know what wiles are?

-Yes. So if he comes back in,

watch out for the wiles.

-Well, don't take your focus off Gary.

-Gary and I are just friends.

You're just saying that because you want my focus off wallet guy.

Well, I'm not being rude but you're an ugly bitch.

It is game on, my little friend, it's game on.

Oh, challenge excepted!

BOTH: Fine.

Right, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have lunch with the girls to discuss Henley

because that is what people with wiles do.

Whatever they are. I've no idea!

-Fanny, what are you having?

-I don't know, Tilly, I don't know.

-Queen Kong?

-Oh, call me Miranda.

Oh, what to go for? It's almost panic making.

-Oh, just decide.

-Gosh.

Oh, would love a pizza, yum.

Better not, tricolore salad please.

Oh, dear. Adore a spag bol.

Oh, no, be good, Fanny, be good.

Um. The nicoise for me, please.

Oh, dear lordy! Um... Well, oh, the lasagne, look at the lasagne.

Just a lasagne, please, Clive.

Certainly, Queen Kong.

So, Henley?

Yes, a pretty little plea, oh, ladio head.

Can we for once, please, at a social occasione not reveal our breasts.

"The chesticles."

You're always half naked in public.

You are Rafael Nude-al.

I'm not always half naked in public.

-The hockey final at St Wilfred's?

-Well, I just forgot my kit.

Why didn't the teacher sub me? It was really embarrassing.

It defo can't happen at Henley.

-Royalty present.

-Yes, Kong, if any boom-boom flesh appears,

I personally shall push you in the river.

And fact, McFact, there are pike.

So you're going to Henley. Why? You hate that sort of thing.

Because for once, Gary, I want to be the woman who can manage a tricky social occasion.

And she's chasing him with a pig's head on a stick back into the clubhouse.

Can't believe he's died so suddenly.

LAUGHING

Thursday night there'll be a party that you can relax at.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, celebration.

-Of?

-You know my friend that runs that restaurant in Hong Kong?

He called me last night and he wants me to manage it.

Wow!

I fly out sort of late Thursday night and start Monday.

Oh, Gary, that's brilliant! Congratulations.

Yeah? I hope so, I hope so. I can still say no.

You've got to go. It'll be amazing. Go! Isn't that great news, Clive?

-I know.

-Yeah. I mean, Thursday should be a good leaving party.

Although there will be dancing, Miranda.

I'm not that bad.

-Hong Kong, great!

-Are you honestly pleased?

Of course not, Clive. That was just terrifyingly good acting.

-Well, say something. He wants someone to persuade him to stay. He keeps wavering.

-You persuade him.

It won't mean the same. Tell him how you feel.

-No, I can't do that. You do it.

-I can't do it. You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-Really, and then the horse just galloped off? That's funny.

-What?

Oh, hi, Gary.

-Sorry, we were just talking about a horse.

-Funny story.

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah?

-Oh, you tell it Clive.

-No, you tell it.

-No, you're a better story teller.

Oh, come on. Don't put yourself down. We talked about this. Tell him!

Well, there's this horse...

..and it galloped off.

Miranda has something to tell you about your trip.

Well, it's, um...we were just...

I've got this silly competition on with Stevie at the moment and need a favour before you go.

Fancy a self-defence class tonight?

Yeah, look. He had a card for this class in his wallet.

He may not even come but if he tips up, I'll strike up a conversation, say he dropped his wallet.

Seems a bit stalkery.

-It's not stalking because I'm not interested, I just want to beat Stevie.

-Right.

OK, folks, let's gather.

You're saved. He's not here. Let's go. ..Stevie?

-Oh, hello?

-Gary made me come.

Yes, I...I did.

I have been really scared walking home at night,

and wanted to do self-defence but didn't want to come on my own...

because I'd be really scared to...do it

That's pathetic.

-You?

-Oh, I've always been into self-defence.

-Been to loads of classes.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Do you? So we should...

Sure, great, yeah.

That's worked out fine.

Right, tonight, self defence against a head lock.

A volunteer?

You.

Come toward me and go for a right-arm head lock.

Yo, give me the crack or I'll blow your face in.

Sorry, I was just role playing.

-Come toward me normally.

-Normally.

-Put me in a head lock.

-Sure.

I don't like it!

Into pairs, please. Who wants to go with this?

-Popular.

-No, I think it's that you're perfect to practise on.

You're more of a mugger than a muggee.

If they can defeat you, they can defeat anything!

Yeah?

-Yeah!

-Right, everyone can have a go.

Oh, hi, Mum.

Tilly's mother has just told me you are going to Henley Regatta?

Tell no-one you're my daughter.

You haven't been blessed by the goddess of socialising.

-There isn't a goddess of socialising.

-Then how do you explain Nigella Lawson?

Now, I'm here to do "Mummy's social training".

Oh, no, Mum. It's fine, honestly. I'm just going to be myself.

Are you insane?!

I can cope in these situations.

And that is why we must tackle the Chinese human rights record.

What do you think?

I think, if my thighs are sweaty and I stand up, it sounds like I've done a fart.

Right, first off.

you will limit conversation to the fall in house prices,

the problems of finding reliable workmen and gardening.

If anyone starts to share an emotion, quickly interrupt them.

"My Californian Poppy's coming on really well this year, despite the chalky soil."

If in doubt, do the posh mumble. MUMBLES

Oh, I just thought people were so posh I couldn't understand them.

Now, the laugh. Top tip.

Base the laugh on the song Barbie Girl by Aqua.

# I'm a Barbie Girl

# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! #

How do you know that song?

Your father has a penchant for musical contraceptives.

And while we're on that subject - men - very important to know your way around the bedroom.

In case of a power cut?

Remember, they want a mother in the kitchen and a hooker in the boudoir.

Ooh, this is now in uncomfortable territory, and what I call unacceptable.

As you say, one doesn't like to share an emotion,

so my hydrangeas are looking good, aren't they? Not that I was as lucky with my workmen. Ha-ha-ha!

Chicory scone?

MUMBLES

CONTINUES MUMBLING What fun.

Where is Stevie?

Oh, sorry I'm late, I had to go to the shops

to get some cleansing wipes and some kitchen roll. ..Bed!

Anything else?

Oh, yes, and a Great Dane.

"Oh, yes, and a Great Dane" is the explanation you're giving?

Ah, wallet guy had a dog.

Have you got that dog to impress?

If I want a dog, it's my own business.

Well, it's lucky you got a small one, so you could keep it to yourself.

Put a saddle on that you could ride it.

And all because of some guy you hardly know.

You have taken this competition to a new level, my friend.

Excuse me.

BOTH: Wallet guy!

Quick question. I didn't leave my wallet here yesterday, did I?

-I believe you did.

-Ah, that's such a relief. Thank you.

-I can give it back.

-No, I'll give it back.

-I can give it back.

-I can give it back.

-No, I'll do it.

There you go.

Thanks a lot. Should I be giving you a reward or...?

BOTH: Dinner?

He thinks it's a joke.

-But just out of interest, if you had to take one of us out to dinner who would...?

-Who would it be?

Oh, er, well, it's a nice position to be in, um...

That would be later, Robert.

You had me at hello.

I didn't say hello.

Right, listen, Robbie, Robert,

The Robmeister, just Rob.

"Why don't you step into my parlour?" said the spider to the fly.

Not in that you're a nuisance and my body is covered in thick, fibrous hairs.

Nor do I have glands in my buttocks that spin yards of silk.

Listen, ladies. This has been...

-yeah, but I'd better...

-Before you go...

just for us, you won't offend, who would you have chosen?

Oh. I feel bad.

Um, but, well...

Oh, wow, what an amazing dog!

-I've got a boxer.

-Really?

-What's his name?

-Um...

Oh...it's Robert, Robert, which is a really weird connection.

It's nice to meet you, Robert. Thanks again for the wallet.

-Er, might see you in the park. OK, bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Bye.

You knew you weren't winning that.

You knew the allure wasn't working, he was about to pick me.

That is why you got your dog out. I am very glad that's not a euphemism.

This...this ain't over, my friend.

-What are you doing here?

-I am walking my dog.

-You don't have a dog.

-I do.

-Where is it?

-Where's it gone?

Introducing Titan.

"Hello to you."

-Well, I'm here to walk my dog, which being a big dog.

-Massive.

-Massive dog.

Makes you look like a Borrower.

-Carry on.

-It needs a lot of exercise. So I'll have to be in the park a lot.

Well, that's the funny thing about Chihuahuas.

I like to pronounce it properly

They need loads of fresh air. So I'll have to be in the park a lot too.

-Ah, wow.

-No, it's not Paris Hilton.

Well, might have been confused.

Cute dog. Hey guys, look at this.

-Hello, little one.

-Hello to you.

Oh, I just don't get that look.

I know, it's meant to be a waist band, not a bottom band.

Waist band.

-I'm going in.

-Really?

Well, I'm going to have to. Excuse me.

Look, no-one wants to see your pants.

-I'm sorry, can you pull your trousers up!

-Oi!

-I don't want to see your pants, or your bottom!

-Oi, get off!

-Mugger. She's mugging us for our trousers.

-I was not mugging.

-It's not funny.

-I wasn't laughing, Titan was.

He probably isn't coming, is he?

No.

-I suppose one of us should get back to the shop.

-Hm. Well, it's not going to be me.

-You're the manager.

-So sack me. It's not going to be me.

-It's not going to be me.

-Well, you're the manager. It's not going to be me.

So sack me. It's not going to be me.

They're locking the park.

Come on!

-Come On!

-Well, I can't go that fast.

One of us has very little legs.

It's locked.

Oh, great! So we're locked in, in an outside space.

I'm slightly claustrophobic and agoraphobic.

Oh, hello, worst nightmare.

-Oh, don't worry. There's a gap.

-Thank god.

Great.

Oh.

I can't fit!

-GIGGLES

-It's not funny.

No. Um, shall I take the dogs and I'll get some help.

-Yeah. It's still not funny.

-Don't go anywhere.

Oh, it's hilarious.

Miranda?

Good evening.

Good evening.

Do...do... do you want some help?

No, no, no, I'm fine. This is planned.

I was thinking...

what would this gate look like,

with a bust of me on the side of it, like the prow of a ship?

I think it would look good.

Nay, excellent!

Oh, no, the girls.

-GIGGLING

-No, cos...

OK, don't worry, I'll just try and...

Oh, hola, Gary.

Hi! Hi, girls.

-You all right?

-Yeah, yeah, just, er...

enjoying the gates.

What's all this going away business? We'll miss you actually.

Oh, thank you. That's really sweet.

Miranda's going to be devastated. No more comfort food!

She is Tarzan of the Cakes and she's quite proud of it as well.

She's probably half naked in public somewhere as we speak.

I severely doubt that.

-Ciao!

-Bye.

-Thanks.

-Yeah, that was close. You nearly missed out on Henners there.

Right, shall we get you out of here.

Yes, please.

Um...

That was majestic.

Oh, well, thanks for the help!

-I've only just got here. I had to take Robert home.

-Truce?

-Truce.

-Take the dogs back tomorrow.

-Yeah.

-Oh, little one. There you go, down there.

Are you really into wallet guy?

No, not really.

Just worried I'd lost my allure.

-Oh, you could never lose your allure.

-Oh, that's really sweet.

Yeah. Don't touch me though.

Are you into wallet guy?

No, not really. I just wanted to prove I could be found attractive.

Right. I'll get going.

Sorry, you have to compliment back, them's the rules.

Oh, oh, sorry. You look great!

Futile now.

Do I? Gone.

Right, here's the thing.

Since Gary was majestic in the park, I've decided I'm going to brave it.

Say something. Stop him from leaving.

Clive's right. I'll only regret it if I don't say how I feel.

So I'm going to pen the perfect romantic speech.

I know, it's exciting!

Let's just check the words.

"Sorry I haven't said I'll miss you." OK.

Right.

OK, here goes.

Gary, hi, um...I've got something I need to say.

Yeah?

I'm sorry that I haven't said that I'll miss you. It's just, if I do,

I'd make a fool of myself because I'd say that I'll miss coming in to the restaurant every morning.

Not because of the cakes, although they do have a strong bearing,

but because my heart skips a beat every time I see you.

And I'd say I'll miss you because you're the one person I can be myself with

and underneath all the fear, you're the only person I could consider a relationship with,

because...I love you.

And that's why it's best that I don't say anything.

Yeah, that's probably best.

Because I'd say that's what I've been wanting to hear for ages.

And I'd turn down Hong Kong and say

let's give us a go.

Oh, sorry.

Right, here goes.

Hi, Gary. I've got something I need to say.

-Yeah?

-I'm sorry I haven't said...

Oh, wow, cute dog! Is that yours?

Yeah, yes.

Mm, it's Titan. Yes.

Listen, I'm sorry I haven't said...

-Hello! You are very sweet.

-..that I'll miss you, but if I do.

-I'd make a fool of myself because...

-Why are you shaking, Titan?

Oh, who's this?

Titan. Dog. Cute. Mine. Trying to...

-Ohh!

-Be careful, be careful...

Gary, Gary, listen.

I'd be a fool to say... No, hang on, hang on. Sorry..

Yes.

Hello. Anyone?

There's a fire!

It's definitely about the dog.

I am a huge fan of genocide.

# Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watch ya ging gang goo, ging gang... #

It's quite liberating, actually.

I have a urinary tract infection.

Why then? I mean, of all things to say. I don't.

I don't.

-Gary, I was just trying to get your attention.

-Sorry.

Listen, I'm sorry I haven't said anything...

No, I'm saying go to Hong Kong because yes, there are the cakes

whose hearts will skip a beat every time they look at your face.

What I'm saying is...

It's great news, Gary, and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Ok. A hearty good afternoon to you.

Um, thanks, Clive.

Oh, it feels empty without the dogs.

Yeah, I know. Are you OK about Gary?

Do you know, I think I'm relieved he's going.

I'm exhausted with the whole thing, I want a break.

And who knows who I might meet at Henley.

And we'll have fun at his farewell party tomorrow.

Oh, slow dance pact? If the music goes slow I'll invariably be on the outside with no partner.

So, please ask the DJ to change the music.

It's not a school disco, but, yeah, deal. Can you just hold this for me?

-I'm going to the loo.

-Oh, quickly. I need to finish my sea-themed display.

Hurry up, it won't look good, me doing a wee dance in front of customers.

Oh, hi. Oh, you're busy.

I was heading to the park if you want to join... Tigger, come back, boy.

Don't worry, I'll leave you to it. Maybe another time.

Ooh, you!

Titan, come here, boy.

Ooh, you!

Yeah!

Where did he go?

Oh, I really need the loo now.

Why does the bladder tell your body to you look like an idiot when you need a wee.

I'm going to have to go in the bushes.

-What?!

-I can't meet Wallet Guy looking like this, can I?

Oh, oh!

Seriously now, I'm not going to make it!

Tigger!

Where've you gone?

-Robert, hi.

-Oh, hi there. You made it!

Tigger! Sorry, I've lost my dog.

-BARKING

-Get off! No, help!

Actually, leave me! Go...

Hi.

Robert, quick question, to finish our game if you remember.

If you had to choose one of us right now, to ask out, who would it be?

Now? Oh, OK, er...

I must admit you have the edge. Sorry.

(Yes! Get in!)

Would you like to go for a drink or something?

No.

Urgh, men! Always presuming we'd be interested?

-Unbelievable.

-Unbelievable!

-Where did that come from?

-Don't know.

-Actually, Robert...can I just...? Robert!

-That's sick making, actually.

-Oh, no!

-Rafael Nude-al.

-No, before you say I can't come to Henley...

-You're not coming to Henners.

-I said, before you say that, I don't want come to Henley.

You say boarding school is a life-long tie,

well, I cut those ties now.

And also I don't want to be friends with someone who jogs.

Go and have a burger!

And for the record, I'm not half naked in public,

I'm actually hanging out with my homies. Yeah!

Let's go mug some people.

Yeah! High five! High five!

-Are you having fun?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Then I remember I'm going.

-Oh.

Come on, I'll risk it, let's have a dance.

-You know you want to.

-OK.

-SLOW MUSIC STARTS

-Oh!

No, I don't usually stay on the dance floor at the excruciating music change.

Miranda, there have been so many times you've run off when I want to dance with you.

Stop thinking people don't find you attractive.

-I'll try.

-Because, you know, they do.

they do find you attractive.

Oh, can you just...can you just hold that thought, please?

I want to talk to you.

No, no, I want to talk to you, Gary.

-MOUTHS

-Listen, Miranda, people...

-they waver about you...

-CONGA PLAYS

Got your back, my friend. Did I do well? A star to Stevie?

-You did great.

-Come on.

BUZZING

Mortifying.

# What have you done today

# To make you feel proud?

# Cos you're never too late to try

# What have you done today to make you feel proud?

# You could be so many people

# If you make that break for freedom

# What have you done today to make you feel proud?

# Yeah, we need a change, yeah

# Do it today, yeah

# I can feel my spirit rising... #