Excuse Miranda

Buongiorno...

which is Italian for hello.

Chic. Which is French for...cheek?

So, how are you? Had a good week? Lovely.

Well, back to me.

Now, previously in my life, I tell my mother I'd be happy not to marry, which I think she was fine with.

We calmed her down but she regularly attempts to set me up

with aristocratic squires at her literary themed parties.

No, they're worse than they sound.

Last year, Last Of The Mohicans.

Darling, this is Quentin.

Hello, Miranda. We last met at a tennis tournament in Tunbridge.

Taramasalata?

I fear another party's looming, so I'm stressed -

that way when little things get to you.

Right, calm and on with the show.

-Morning!

-Morning!

-Oh, Stevie, what are you doing? What have you done?

It's not even 10am and I can already talk to Ms Heather Small.

# What have you done today to make me feel proud? #

I'll tell you, Heather, I've done a marketing display...

-Right, can I have word?

-Oh, would you like my counsel?

-I would, sir.

-Go ahead, caller.

-You're not invited to this meeting, Heather. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-Thank you.

I shall explain this as clearly and professionally as I can.

Valentine's Day makes me go...

We've got a lovely relationship that we're showing off about, have we?

"Oh, I'm so in love." Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

I don't know who St Valentine was, but I hope he died alone, surrounded by couples.

-Right, this is going.

-What?!

-Before it reminds Mum I'm still single

and a themed party definitely rears its ugly head.

Can't you get out of them?

I'm notoriously bad at excuses, you know that. Particularly with Mum.

She'll just use her beloved phrase, "Such fun!" to shut me up.

What's your standard excuse?

I just panic and say, "I can't I'm going to the cinema."

What if someone asks you to the cinema and you don't want to go?

I go to the cinema with them.

Well, I mean, I can't say, "I can't go to the cinema," because I'm going to the cinema, can I?

Are you an actual idiot?

Sorry?

-What do you use?

-Oh, well, I say, "My niece is ill and I have to help."

-Oh, that's brilliant.

-I know, I am particularly clever.

If your Mum does set you up just look at it as good dating practice.

-Might help with Gary.

-Gary and I are just friends. Really.

It's easier. And, anyway, I don't need help with dating.

I've been on loads of dates.

(I've, literally, been on one.)

So, you know, don't doubt me, Stevie. I am a smooth operator.

That took me ages!

Well, I'm stuck in it now and it's all your fault.

That took me ages and ages and ages and ages and ages...

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Darling, it was mortifying at the wedding on Saturday.

The bride didn't throw her bouquet, just passed it to Miranda while someone shouted, "As if!"

But I am determined to find you someone and so -

drum roll, please - I am hosting

a Pride And Prejudice themed party.

Next Friday. The only day Edmund de Tory can do.

Wait, Mum, Mum! Did you say Friday?

Oh, I, I definitely can't make Friday.

-Why not?

-Well, it's my daughter's first birthday.

-You don't have a daughter.

-I don't have a daughter.

I am voting in the House of Commons.

-You're not an MP.

-I'm not an MP.

Eh, I'm washing my shoes.

I tell you what it is. I am baking a hedgehog for Tony Benn's anniversary.

I just... I can't. I get in a panic.

It's a condition. I'm sweating.

Oh, hello. Mum, listen, I don't want...

-Such fun.

-No, I don't think...

-Such fun.

Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun!

I told you! It's so effective and so annoying.

Why can't she hear - I don't want to get married?

-Oh.

-Thank you. I mean, everyone else knows I hate the idea of intimacy.

I hate the idea of somebody knowing everything about me.

I mean, I don't want somebody knowing that I'm not even 40

and already I have a pair of shoes specifically for driving.

-Do you really?

-No.

I mean, maybe Edmund isn't that bad.

I'll look him up. How do you spell de Tory?

Tory, as in T-O-R-Y.

Has friends called Hugo and Biffy and pretends to like hoodies.

Ooh, satire. Stylish.

Is it definitely too early for a mojito?

Miranda, it's half past ten in the morning! Course not, come on.

Clive no, no. Slippery slope.

Miranda, why don't you ask your Mum to have the party here?

Clive and I can keep an eye on you.

And, to be honest, I could do with the business.

-I can't believe how much takings are down since you went on a diet.

-Ha-ha(!)

Oh, not joking.

No, Gary, look, it can't go ahead.

Please. Pretty please.

Fine. I wouldn't have got out of it anyway.

Thank you. And maybe this Edward's not that bad...

No, no, no. Sorry, not Edward...

Edmund. Edward - normal person.

Edmund - weird person. Mund.

Right, well maybe this Mund isn't that bad after all.

Although he'll definitely be a man that does sports manoeuvres.

You know, sports mimes.

Men that can't help themselves suddenly practising a sport move - a bit of golf. Ah!

That, for me, is the main difference between men and women.

Men feel the need to announce their manlihood by a quick, er, sport move. Women don't do that, do they?

You don't suddenly find women going, "Hoovering, missed a bit."

"Take your shoes off, dear.

"And Febreze."

Well, hopefully, being set up will give you much-needed practice in the dating department.

Why do people keep saying this? I'm fine with the dating.

All right. Pretend you're in a club and approach Gary.

OK. Right.

There's music, I'm feeling it.

It's a bit camp, but we'll go with it.

-Hi!

-Hi. How are you?

Miranda, problem.

I found Edmund de Tory online.

-Photo...

-Oh, what is that?

I literally can't tell which way up that photo's meant to be.

Face down surely.

High five.

Not good enough for the five.

Recent profile update.

"Any fillies want a ride, I don't mean a horse (snorts)."

Imagine what I'll turn into if I end up with him? It's not funny.

I mean, bare minimum, living on a country estate,

with a black Labrador called Jasper, pronounced Jaaasper.

Jaaasper. Come here. Heel!

Jaaasper. Will you put that down?

Argh! No, no!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I think he thinks your toddler's a pheasant.

BARKING

Jaaasper! Walkies!

Right, party's off.

What?! Come on, I need the business.

-Tough. Come on, think of an excuse.

-Emergency walk?

-Emergency walk.

BOTH: Long way up, short way down. Go!

Ok, task - excuse. Let's workshop this.

Umm...a family member is dying.

Not really going to work on my family.

-You're working?

-Something she'd believe.

-Gym class?

-Something she'd believe.

-Joined WeightWatchers?

-Something she'd believe.

-A date?

-Something she'd believe.

Hi, I'm looking for something for my niece's party.

Not now, customer. Sorry, we're on me.

Um, oh, actually, hang on.

If you had to think of an excuse to get out of a party, what would you say?

Oh, er, I usually say, and I know it's awful, um...

"Sorry, my mother's ill."

I can't tell my mother my mother's ill. Have you thought this through?

To be fair, I didn't know the circumstances.

Hopeless. Can you leave, please?

-You can't ask a customer to leave.

-I can if he's annoying me.

-No, I'm happy to go.

-He's happy to go.

-No, stay.

-I'd rather go.

-See?

-Only because you bullied him.

-Stay and browse.

-No.

-Stay and browse!

Please, please, don't, don't hurt me.

Come on, let's get back to task excuse, yeah?

Let's do the thinking rubber bands.

Good idea. Actually, you can do pitch in. That'd be very helpful.

We don't do the thinking caps here, we do the thinking rubber bands.

Okay, so, erm, sit down. That's it. OK.

Now, you pop it on your head and you see what springs to mind, OK?

You ready? And go.

-Ooh!

-Anything?

-No.

-No. Ooh!

-Ooh.. Nothing.

-Nothing.

You definitely got nothing?

No. To be fair, I don't understand the world I've just walked into.

How am I going to get out of it?

-Hey, relax.

-Yeah, you know, stress is not good for the body.

Why don't you go for a nice massage?

No. The last time I got stuck in the head hole. It wasn't relaxing.

-What about yoga?

-I'm not allowed back.

And breath in.

-And let it all out.

-Well, it's my mum, you see.

She's never listened and it winds me up.

Doesn't she realise I'm 34, with my own life to lead?

-Oh, no, it's Tilly. That's all I need.

-Miranda?

I know you hate being set up,

-but...

-No, Tilly.

-Sssh. I have found you someone tremendulent.

He's an ex-Army doctor. "Dreamboat Charlie".

You would not be punching below your weight. He's a total nudulator.

-I don't know...

-Very sexy.

-Sexy.

He's literally just come back from La Grande Pomme,

-where he's entre nous made a shed of Johnny Cashingtons.

-Huh?

-He's made a lot of money in New York.

-Right.

And, sorry, bear with.

Bear with. Bear with. Bear with.

Bear with. Back.

Yes, and he's seen a photo

and he's still interested.

That's a photo of you!

-Miranda, why don't you go on a date with him? Then Penny might cancel the party.

-No, I'm sorry.

I hate being set up. I can't.

Oh, that is a major pity - and his friend, Colonel Shame!

You know where I am if you change your mind.

-Ciao, bella.

-Emberg!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

-What part of not wanting to be set up do people not understand?

-Here we go.

I hate to be anywhere that involves flirting, which,

let me tell you, at 6 foot 1, is not easy. No-one's ever taller than me.

I spend my time lowering the height with the forward knee bend.

"How do you do, sir?" Trouble is your arms are suddenly

disproportionately long, which is weird and moving off becomes tricky.

They ask me for a drink, I have to follow like this.

-I mean, imagine that!

-Hey, calm down.

-Have you ever thought about listening to whale music?

Oh, whale music! What a load of bollocks.

WHALE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, that's nice!

OK. Yes, I get in a dating state. But that's boarding school for you.

Starved of male company for years, still now when a bloke says, "Hi," I think, nice spring wedding.

I mean, essentially, I'm not fussy when it comes to men, my mother's choices aside. I have three rules.

Firstly, they're straight.

Secondly, they're aged between 18 and 65.

Thirdly - quite particular this one -

I can't abide a high pitched voice.

You know, it's the David Beckham complex.

They look great, say something, and the magic's gone.

Hi, I'm Miranda.

Nice to meet you.

So, what brings you here?

Brrr! Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!

Hello? It's the new Nokia.

"An emergency at home," you say?

This is all Mum's fault.

A "Pride and Prejudice" party? And if I hear "Such fun!" one more time.

-Miranda!

-I tried to stop her.

No, she'll want what I call "a party update".

So, the Mr Darcy look-alike is happy to arrive dry and we can moisten him ourselves.

-The flowers...

-No, Mum, please stop.

I... I definitely can't make Friday.

-Why not?

-Erm, well,

Stevie's little niece is seriously ill.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's awful.

And I've said I'll do a shift that night, so...

-Why can't Stevie look after her?

-She can't, can she?

-No, she can't.

-Why not?

-You'd have to ask her.

-That's you.

-Oh, yes.

-So, why can't she?

-She's, I'm...

umm...going to the cinema.

-Surely the child is more important?

-The film is...

-Very important.

-..important.

-What is it?

-It's...umm...

-It's...

It's Ice Age 3 - Dawn Of The Dinosaurs.

-Not important enough.

-Not important enough.

It's, um...

-It's Citizen Kane.

-Good.

Citizen Kane. Yeah.

It is an important film, but I should have thought your family would come first.

Yes, Stevie. That's really insensitive of you to ask me

to look after your niece so you can go to the cinema!

Oh, well, good. So we're all on.

Oh, goody(!)

Wait. Penny, it must be a massive effort to host a party just to set Miranda up.

Particularly when she's already got a date. With a doctor.

Oh, no, darling, that's called an appointment.

-No, no. An Army doctor.

-Really?

-Yeah. Friend of Tilly's.

-Really?

Oh, what we save from the party we put towards the wedding.

-Good luck, darling.

-Don't say, "Such fun."

Well, if it annoys you that much, no I won't. Such fun.

Such fun! Ha! Ooh, a double!

What did you do that for? You know I don't want to go on a date.

Well, it's the ticket out.

And he might be nice.

GIRLS: Argh!

-Hellooo!

-Oh, hello. You look nice.

Thank you, please, very much, please, thanks very to you.

-I'm meeting someone.

-Yes, I know. Your mum just called.

She's cancelled the party. She was going to spend a shedload here.

Don't blame me. It was her idea.

-I'm just meeting the man of my dreams.

-And here I am.

Oh, ha-ha-ha(!) Listen to my genuine laughter.

So, who is this man of your dreams?

A friend of Tilly's. She said he'd be wearing a red carnation, so look out...

-A friend of Tilly's?

-Yes, OK, he might be awful.

-Can we have a signal, just in case I need help?

-How about...

Clive, it's got to be something subtle I can slip into a social situation.

How can I make this seem natural on a date?

All right, calm your plimsolls. Why don't you ask me for more sauce?

And then I can say, "The kitchen's on fire. Everybody out."

Perfect. I mean, I'm sure I won't need it. She said he was lovely.

-Oh, hello.

-Well, hello, Totty.

Enchante, what?

So, Charlie, tell me.

The nickname, "Dreamboat".

How did that come about?

It's the name of a floating brothel.

To cut a bloody funny story short, I went in, with a few needs...

Ooh, ooh, could it be shorter?

-There was this girl, we were in a cubicle...

-Really short. Like you.

-The boat sank.

-There we go.

You know, I was sceptical, but blimey, Tilly got this right, what?

Because she knows I fancy women I wouldn't necessarily beat in a fight.

Oh, where's the little fellow gone?

Erm, what can I get you?

Booze. That should do it, eh?

-Whatever you recommend.

-OK.

Booze!

I bloody love crisps, don't you?

(Help!)

(Who is this?)

-Right, here's some wine.

-Thank you, Clive.

Clive, I was wondering if I could have some more sauce?

You haven't ordered yet.

Clive, I just have a feeling I might need some more sauce.

I just think you might need some menus!

Don't you often wonder if food could talk what it would sound like?

Hi, I'm an olive!

It's a bloody funny game.

-Gorgeous!

-Get off!

Clive. Clive.

Gary, how's the kitchen?

It's not on fire, is it?

Er, no, no, the kitchen's fine. Why?

No reason, you bastard. No reason at all.

Listen, I know we've not even eaten yet, but I'm feeling chemistry.

Would you be on for coming back to mine for a bit of

pumpy de rumpy?!

Oh!

Silly me! I appear to have spilt my drink.

Excuse me for one second, please.

Oh!

I'm going to kill you both. Come here. Come.

-Morning.

-Oh, dear, pyjamas in the work place?

It was really bad. I'm still in shock.

Tilly's already told Mum I'm not interested in Charlie,

so the party, and set up, are back on.

-You do know you might have to go, don't you?

-I know.

The only way of not being set up is if you were already engaged

and, well, I mean this in the nicest, most well-meaning way possible,

but that is not going to happen in 24 years, is it? Let alone 24 hours.

I'm not that bad.

-Hi.

-Oh, hi.

When I'm naked in bed and I roll over, my breasts clap.

Hi, I never got anything for my niece's party.

Do you think this is a good time?

There never seems to be a good time.

-Oh, can you ask Miranda for her hand in marriage?

-What?!

-If you pretend you're together, problem solved.

-Oh, that's good.

-Hi! When I'm naked in bed and roll over, my breasts...

-No, not helping.

-I only came in for indoor fireworks.

-I know it's weird, customer.

I'm calling you that as it would be odder if I found out your name now.

But if you don't pretend to marry me, I might become Miranda de Tory, this is my husband Ed-MUND. OK?

This is what you'd wake up to every morning.

-Again, not helping.

-Very rude. Who wouldn't want some of this, eh?

This of a morning? Do you like it?

Little sheep, ha!

I can't. For a start, I'm already married.

-Oh, well, just end it. Is that too much to ask?

-To a man. I'm gay.

-Oh, really?

-Oh, right. You don't believe me?

-Well, Mum would.

She thinks anyone still single on the verge of 40 is a lesbian.

-Oh, hello.

-Hello.

-That's good.

-That's very good.

If you come out, there's a chance your mother will never talk to you again.

This plan has no downside.

# I'm coming out

# I want the world to know

# Got to let it show

# I'm coming out I want the world to know... #

-Uh, customer.

-Just us.

-Sorry.

-Always just us.

Ah, Mum. Listen, I've got something to tell you. Put your pen down.

You don't need to arrange the party or set me up because,

well, I am glad you are sitting down. Because the thing is...

..I'm gay.

I knew it.

Gary, you owe me 50 quid.

Oh, darling, I am, what I call, thrilled.

This is fantastic news.

-What?

-I always had my suspicions and kept hoping.

You bat for the other side and all this time I didn't think you batted for anyone.

But who knew your wicket was being thoroughly knocked by a bowler with no balls?

And I understand the lure. We've all been the way of the lily.

-What?

-Belinda and I had a fun time at school.

-La, la, da, da!

-Sorry, eh, Gary, sorry, party's off.

-What?!

-Miranda's a lesbian.

Well, why don't we make it a coming out party?

Ooh!

That's a splendid idea.

(No way! Help me! Help!)

(Help!)

-Gary. You...

-Sorry, I didn't think she'd say yes.

Just because you want the business. You are something that I'm too nice to say.

Party's on, party's off. It's almost like I'm in some kind of farce.

Listen, Mum, I'm not ready for a coming out pa...

Darling, it's 2009, deal with it. I've already got the dress theme -

simply "famous lesbians throughout history".

That's a room full of people dressed as either KD Lang or Sandi Toksvig.

No, I tell you what. We've got the Pride And Prejudice outfits -

-let's do Tipping The Velvet.

-This is going really badly.

We'll have to find you a suitable partner.

-Don't set me up.

-Is there someone?

Yes. Erm...

Stevie.

Oh, your father and I had hoped for something rather better than that.

But on the plus side, he owes me 50 quid.

Oh, I've just had a thought.

Gary, I'll come back later to discuss everything.

Darling, before they close, I seem to remember the National Trust

do life membership discounts for lesbians. Come on!

I hate you. And I hate you.

De-de-de-de-de! Can you please explain what's going on now?

-I thought you were coming out. Why is this still Pride And Prejudice?

-It's not. OK, here's the thing.

We're an item, Mum's hosting us a Tipping The Velvet-themed coming out party,

we're members of the National Trust

and can book our civil partnership there at a 10% discount.

You've got me life membership to the National Trust?

You're definitely focussing on the wrong bit.

-Everybody! They're here!

-What are we going to do?

We'll just have to get on with it. Come on, lesbian role play.

Hurrah for the lesbians!

Stevie, stop acting the couple. This is going to get creepy and complicated.

Sorry? Are you ashamed of me?

-What?

-I think you'll find your family would be amazed, nay, mightily impressed with me on your arm.

-Look at me! I'm a hot fox.

-Stevie.

Suddenly I'm not good enough for you.

You do know you're not really a lesbian?

-This is all your fault. You know that?

-Sorry(!)

I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm supposed to be at my niece's.

Everything all right, darling?

Just going to check on the Lesbian Blancmange.

Deliberate.

So you've seen Edmund Dettori?

Such a shame. I thought he was perfect.

That is Edmund De Tory?

But he doesn't have a weird face.

Oh, Dettori. D-E-T-T-O-R-I.

Italian, yes.

Right! That's it. Everybody! Can I have your attention, please?

Just a short announcement.

This will come as a shock to some,

particularly as this is a coming out party,

but it turns out, the thing is, I'm straight.

ALL: Aw!

Darling, you are a what I call, "nightmare", but I still love you.

-Now please allow me to do all what I wanted to do in the first place and introduce you to Edmund.

-Go on then.

Good luck.

Oh, wow, Mr Darcy.

You look better than I've ever imagined in that.

-Miranda?

-Better go.

Yes, of course. To meet the man of your dreams.

Edmund?

This is Miranda.

Nice to meet you. Thank you very much for coming, please.

(HIGH-PITCHED) And thank you for organising a wonderful night.

Um, sorry, have you got something stuck in your throat?

A little quiche or something?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

-Good night, everyone!

-Miranda, you can't leave.

-This is your party.

-Such fun.

-No...

Such fun. Such fun. Such fun.

Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. And Run!

Not fun. Not fun. Not fun. Not in any way fun.

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