Holiday Miranda

Well, come along then, please. Settle. That's it.

Well, good evening to you.

Here we are again in the excitement that is each other's company.

The pleasure is all yours.

Ha-ha! Good one, me.

Now, previously in my life,

Stevie made me go on an adventure course.

Help!

Someone let me out, I don't like it!

Seriously, I really don't...! Oh, thank you.

I get my own kind of adrenalin kicks, thank you.

MUTTERS EXCITEDLY

DRYER TURNS ON

LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

What else happened? Oh, yes, I went clubbing.

Something I'm not prone to.

A night out for me is going in to the garden, coming back,

"Aaah! Home at last."

And I panic conversationally when in too trendy an environment.

So, er...tell me something about yourself.

The other day, I weighed my breasts to see how much they'd cost to post.

Too heavy to go second class, if you know what I mean.

Right. Onwards with the show, team, quickly!

So we can forget what we've just witnessed.

-So, pleased with it?

-It's great, Gary, thanks for your help.

MUTTERED: "Oh, Gary, thanks for your help."

I've no idea what it does or how I make it do what it does,

but it looks cool.

It's easy. I'll teach you. It's great cos you can sync all applications with other hardware...

-All I'm hearing is...

-SPEAKS GIBBERISH

MIMICS AWKWARD LAUGHTER

-So, do you want a cup of tea, Gary?

-Yeah, great.

Stevie, what are you doing on the floor, you weird woman?

Sorry, what's that?

You'd like to make me and Gary a cup of tea? That's so sweet.

Fine. Just don't play with the toys.

They're part of the new children's range.

I really want to play with the toys. Do you really want to?

-I really want to play with the toys!

-We can't, we're open.

So? Caterpillar Duck race, hello?

On your marks, get set, go!

I think you'll find I have chosen the superior animal.

This one's got no turning circle, that's why!

Quack, quack, quack!

Oh, those are lovely!

My children would love them.

-How old are yours?

-Sorry?

Well, I hope they're for your kids.

Yeah, be weird if we were just playing.

Very, yes, so, we've...

-Got kids.

-..got kids.

What do you have?

-Two...

-Little...

-Boys.

-Had...

-Two...

-Little...

-Toys.

Aaah, we always do that!

Two boys. Lovely. But exhausting!

-Oh, shattered.

-Yes, you look it.

Ooh, these would be perfect party gifts. Are you local?

-Maybe yours are going to the same birthday. What are they called?

-Uh, Cliff...

-Richard.

Cliff and Richard.

We're massive fans.

-I'm Mandy.

-M-M-Mary, and this is...

Joseph.

No way!

Well, I will look out for your boys. What's your surname?

-Oh...erm...Ri...

-Rich...

-..ards...

-Richards.

Right. So your sons are Cliff Richards and...?

And Richard Richards. Yeah.

We just thought, life isn't fair, let's teach them that from the off.

Isn't it just that we're massive fans?

That's it, yeah.

# We're all going on a summer holiday. #

# Christmas time Mistletoe and wine

# Children singing Christian rhymes

-# Etcetera

-Etcetera. #

Well, lovely to meet you.

Nice to talk to adults otherwise it's just kids, kids, kids.

BOTH: Oh, isn't it?

Oh, for a night out! Ooh, a holiday!

I could do so much more before I had children.

I sometimes think, "Mandy, how do have enough time to bring up the kids and run your own business?"

-You're a saint.

-Well, yes, in a way.

But children are worth it, aren't they, Mary?

I always say, until you've brought the gift of life,

you're not complete.

"I'm a saint. I've just given birth.

"I don't even have enough time to eat!

"My ovaries work and I'm so very excited!"

Not very annoying, ovary annoying!

Gary, not very annoying, ovary annoying!

Oi, not very annoying, ovary annoying!

Nothing here, either.

Rude.

My point is, I'm young, I'm free.

-Single.

-Yes, happily so, mother.

I can do anything. I can go reckless, wild.

-You've never been wild.

-OK. So I'm not a clubber.

I don't "large it, big style."

Not unless you're in McDonalds.

Oh, ha-ha! That's very good!

Such fun!

It has to be said, Miranda, you're not cool.

Oh, hello, cool new phone, which I've worked out myself,

plays music, and so is in effect a kind of ghetto blaster.

And what are you listening to at the moment? Let's have a go, shall we?

MUSIC: "My Life" By BILLY JOEL

-Billy Joel?

-Yeah.

You'll be up before you know. You'll all be dancing soon.

You'll love it.

# Got a call from an old friend We used to be real close... #

You'll be feeling it any minute.

Down low, up high! Down low, up really high!

OK, fine. You've made your point.

I'm not cool, but I just want some fun, crazy times, you know?

I'm going to start by getting really drunk.

ALL: No!

-What?

-You get regal and angry when you're drunk.

-Oh, I do not!

Have you had wild times, Penny?

Oh, ho-ho! Don't you know it! I've had...

ALL: Such fun.

There was a spa in Malta in the '60s.

-Oh, no.

-Let's just say, clothes weren't an option, so...

BLENDER DROWNS SPEECH

..Nigel Havers, twice.

Unacceptable.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm just going to take off for a few days.

I'm going to pack a back-pack, grab a flight to...Thailand!

For a few days?

Wild! Yeah, that's it!

Well, I'm just off to book my spontaneous trip

because I am one cool, hip chick.

Obviously I'm not going on a spontaneous crazy trip.

I'm no good at travel and even if I did get to an exotic beach location,

not relaxing. Beaches?

Try and put a towel down, immediate gust of wind,

towel in face.

Tuck towel into sand.

Sit down, have an ice lolly, wasp!

Wasp! Stand up to bat wasp away, oh no!

Sand on towel now, flap towel to get rid of sand, sand in face, sand on lolly, wasp, abort, abort!

Right, holiday search. Hotel, England, Surrey.

It's too expensive, it's a bit far...

Oh, hang on, brilliant! The Hamilton Lodge.

I know where that is. La bas.

Round the corner, no travel, no language barrier, book.

And there's no reason to say I'm not going to Thailand. Sssh!

-Morning.

-Morning.

# ..has broken Like the first morning

# Blackbirds have spoken... Ski-mah-nah-neee. #

-How are you?

-Good.

-When are you off?

-In about 20 minutes, to Thailand.

Will you be all right for a few days?

I'm doing a management course on Friday but your mum's covering.

-Morning.

-Morning.

-Morning.

I made you a packed lunch for the flight.

Oh, that's lovely! Thank you.

Darling, I won't go as far as proud, but I am genuinely impressed.

You are actually going, what I call, abroad.

-It is abroad.

-Now, remember, if a man drives up to you

saying he's a taxi, get in.

You never know.

Right, Well, I've got a cab booked to the airport so don't hang around.

-OK. Bye then.

-I could have taken you to the airport.

No, don't worry about it.

-I would've given you a lift. My car's outside.

-You should've asked.

-Save the money - I'll take you.

-My car's just outside. Seriously.

-Cancel the taxi, go with Gary.

I don't want to go the airport with any of you. The idea is disgusting.

Somebody order a cab to The Ha...?

To the, um...

the ha...airport, yes.

Best job I've had in a while!

Right, I need to leave immediately,

because I don't know what's going to happen next.

-And this is your room.

-Oh, lovely.

Look, Thailand!

Yeah, and you have to stay in this dive, wishing you were there.

Like a form of torture.

Or you can look at it, imagine you're there, without the hassle of going.

You like that idea, don't you?

Right. Fridge, bathroom, bed...

Ooh, we've only just met!

Just a little joke.

Thank you.

Always a bit nervous around youth.

I love a hotel room!

Don't you love a hotel room?

I love a hotel room!

You know clean sheet night at home,

when it feels like a delicious new bed?

Every night in a hotel.

And sometimes the sheets feel a bit crisp and cold, don't they?

So you do the warming-up-bed dance.

Forgot to say, breakfast from seven till ten.

Great, thanks.

And that bed is... Yep, it's fine.

Oh, this is always funny in a hotel room, isn't it?

"Where's my head gone?

"I used to be like a swan."

Are you from an institution, or are you...?

No, but I hear you.

Right.

Ooh, tea and coffee tray.

Nowhere else, but in a hotel room is one so excited

to see free tea and coffee sachets.

Good word, "sachet".

As I sashay up to the sachet.

I am very over-excited!

Biscuits!

The key with the biscuits, of course, if you don't eat them

on day one, hide them so you get the free packet the next.

Little kettle.

You never have a kettle in your room at home. That would be weird.

But in a hotel, out of bed, pop the kettle on, one smooth move.

It's been 26 hours.

I've done everything. All the films.

Well, not all the films, naughty!

I've had six baths, most room service meals.

It's like all the best bits of being ill, but you're well.

Oh, hang on.

How have I missed this?

Trouser press! I love these.

Brilliant.

Pop it in.

Exciting. "I'm a trouser press.

"Open me up, insert something inside."

That sounds wrong.

Brilliant.

Right, I might have to sneak home and get the rest of my trousers

and make proper and efficient use of that.

Can I do that?

Yes.

TOY SQUEAKS

AARGH!

Sssh!

AARGH!

How is this worse than that?

What are you doing here?

I just nipped back from Thailand to get some more trousers.

I'm staying at the Hamilton Lodge. Don't tell the others.

-You have gone on holiday to the town you live in?

-Sssh!

-What are you doing here?

-Stevie's teaching me the ropes for Friday.

-I'm exhausted. I was taking a break,

-Is everything all right, Penny?

We've got our next till drill in five minutes.

Hide!

She's not coming up.

-What are you doing?

-I'm trying to get in a drawer.

I panicked!

All my trousers.

Really have done everything now.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Oh, room service!

Oh, great. Thanks, Jason.

Just drop it there. We've done pretty well, haven't we, Jason?

With the whole room service issue.

Cos it can feel awkward, can't it?

Somebody coming in to deliver a meal

that you don't know, when you're in pyjamas.

I mean, imagine if I turned up at your house and walked into your bedroom with a plate of food?

-Please don't do that.

-No, no, I won't!

I was just saying it's a sort of weirdly intimate scenario, isn't it?

I was a bit worried that the room might smell.

But I'm told that my natural smell -

because we've all got them - is lemons.

So... I don't know what your smell is.

Boyish, yet manly!

There's a chance I've got verbal diarrhoea

because I've been on my own for a while. So, um...

In fact, do you want to join? It would be nice to have some company.

Is that why you ordered two meals?

Hmm? Oh, yes, yeah. (No!)

I'm working.

But the company thing is something I could arrange, if you like?

Really? This hotel is amazing. OK.

For the evening or the whole night?

Oh, um...

The whole night. Why not? I've missed a good chat.

OK, I'll sort that for you.

A shoe shiner! Brilliant.

I can't believe I missed this before!

GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY

Madame requested an escort?

You're an escort?

You're not in Thailand?

Coming back at you with, "You're an escort?!"

-Coming back at you with you ordered an escort!

-I did not! I ordered company... Oh!

That's just code!

Well, seeing as we're here,

we might as well make good sweet love.

Clive! I'm not gonna sleep with you!

Don't be shy. I've had weirder.

Rude! And no!

And can you please put your trousers on? Because it's one of those

I don't want to look but I just can't stop looking...things.

Actually, can you just leave immediately, please?

And, Clive, don't tell any of the others I'm not in Thailand. OK?

Bye!

Right, time to brave the restaurant.

Hence the business suit.

Pad and pen, people will think I'm working.

No-one will think, "Sad, lonely diner."

It's a brilliant system, one I am very pleased with.

To dine.

Amanda?

-Amanda?

-Did you say my name?

Ah, yes. Hi there.

-Here's your badge.

-Right.

It's a real privilege to meet you.

-Is it? Lovely.

-Do you want to join us for a drink?

-Oh, OK. Why not?

-Great.

What's happening?

Shall we?

We're all really looking forward to the seminar.

Oh, a seminar, is it?

Well, I hope so. It would be tragic if this was a holiday!

-I mean, look at us!

-Yeah, that would be tragic!

Everybody, this is Amanda Barnes.

-ALL: Hello, Amanda!

-Oh, "Amanda"!

-It's a real honour.

-Is it?

Excuse me, Sir. We've had a message on reception from an Amanda Barnes. She's running late.

Well, that is an old message, isn't it, because she's here.

Dear, oh, dear.

-So, Amanda.

-That's me.

-How was the trip from Yorkshire?

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-Oh, aye, t'were great.

-I thought you were just there on business.

-No, turns out I'm from...thu-u-ur.

The minute I hear Yorkshire, the accent just comes flooding back.

-Whereabouts are you from?

-Just the general area.

Nowhere specific.

Don't want to give you my address.

Oh, yes. Risky!

So, drink?

Oh, I think Amanda would like a gin and tonic.

And I think Colin would like to get that for Amanda.

Fine. Let's get this party started, shall we?

Amanda's up for some good times.

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

-DRUNKEN SINGING

-Does anyone need the loo?

Throne's through there. We are very amused.

-POP MUSIC PLAYS

-I love Amanda Barnes.

Look at her go.

New phone? Lovely! These ones have great features.

Are you still talking about the phone, Colin, eh?

Oh, Amanda's naughty.

And slightly like a camp man.

Oh, sorry, I think I'm calling someone. Hello?

-Hello?

-Miranda?

-Gary, hey!

Hey! How you doing? How's Thailand?

Yeah, it's great, Gary.

I'm like a new woman. Literally.

I've just...I've just sent you a photo of me new mates.

Why are you wearing a business suit?

-Oh, well, when in Thailand, Gary...

-What?

..go to a seminar.

Are you drunk?

Me? Drunk?

No!

In fact, I better go, Gary,

because Colin's having an arm wrestle with Tsing-Tao.

Tsing-Tao!

Bye!

He taught me how to take a photo,

but I can't switch the bloody thing off.

I don't know.

Miranda?

You've sent me another photo.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Gary!

Hey, welcome to Thailand!

To the Hamilton Lodge. The photo you sent me was the view from your window.

-You're down the road.

-Sssh!

Nobody else knows, OK?

Promise not to tell anyone.

-Yeah. I promise.

-Sssh!

Oh, ho-ho!

I see you have company, eh?

Hello, you must be Tsing-Tao?

Yeah, if you like!

We'll leave you to it. Come on guys, out.

All right, then. Night, guys.

Come on. Back to yours, Phil.

-Back to yours.

-Yeah.

A demain. Which I always think sounds a bit like Adam Ant.

# Prince Charming! There's nothing to be scared of. #

Yeah. I think I'm just gonna get you a glass of water, Miranda.

Oh, you're such a good friend.

Gary, have you seen these?

These are brilliant! Gary.

GARY!

-Come and look at these!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I think you should take your trousers off first!

I beg your pardon?

That is very rude to Your Majesty.

-Oh, God.

-What would Prince Philip say?

Something racist, probably.

Look, why don't you come and have a sit down on the bed?

-Such a good friend, Gary, aren't you?

-Yes, yeah.

I'm not northern anymore.

Such good friends and that's all, isn't it, Gary?

I don't think of you in a sexual way at all.

I mean, you know, you could stay here tonight and it wouldn't mean anything, cos we're just friends.

In fact, Gary, to prove the ease of our friendship,

let's just sleep together. Yeah?

Do a bit of the sex.

Gary, cold bed dance.

-I just wanted to make sure you were all right, Miranda.

-Gary, do a bit of the sex!

-Miranda! What are you doing?!

-Well, we might as well!

-What are you doing?

-Gary, come on!

SNORING

Brilliant.

Oh, no.

AAARGGH!

Oh...oh...oh, no... Coffee.

Coffee sachets.

Morning, Amanda!

Come on, you're going the wrong way. We're in here.

Well, welcome everybody. I hope you've all received your agendas.

As you can see, the course is split into morning and afternoon sessions.

And then sandwiched in the middle are the sandwiches!

LAUGHTER

OK, settle down.

OK, let's start by welcoming our course leader, Amanda Barnes.

Right.

This is a turn up.

Hello.

I met most of you last night..

And, you are...

-Stevie, does that say?

-Yes.

Hello. I'm Amanda Barnes,

from the general Yorkshire area.

So, it turns out, I'm your course leader.

And the course is about, erm...

Ah! Local Business in the Global Marketplace. That's gonna go.

Right, OK. Let's imagine that this is the local business

and this the global market place.

You've got yourself a willy.

Cross the willy out.

So, you don't need me to tell you about the global marketplace.

Oh, at a 100 quid for the day,

I think we want to hear it from you, Amanda Barnes.

Right, global marketplace.

What I like to do on a day like this is poo...

pool - that's a tricky word - pool our wisdom.

So I think we should hear from...

Would you like to share some of your ideas?

Not really, no.

Are you sure?

-Come on. She has some fab ideas.

-I do, actually. It's true. I do.

Thank you, Amanda. Thank you for this opportunity.

(Don't tell anyone I'm here.)

Good morning, people.

My name is Stevie Sutton and I manage a local business which I see as big.

Big dreams, big ideas.

The only time we think small is Heather Small.

# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #

-Now, back to the business at hand...

-Excuse me!

-What the hell do you think you're doing?

-Excuse me, could you sit down, please.

-I've been asked to do a speech.

-It should be my speech. I'm Amanda Barnes.

Would you leave, please?

I'm not leaving MY course!

-I don't know who you think you are...

-Amanda Barnes.

-She's not Amanda Barnes.

-No, she's not Amanda Barnes, but she is.

No, I'm Amanda Barnes.

-Then who's she?

-She's Mary Richards. Hi.

She's not Mary Richards.

-And you're not Amanda Barnes.

-I never said I was!

-Who are you?

-Stevie Sutton!

-And you are?

-Amanda Barnes.

Well, then who...?

I'll explain everything.

Just one quick question, before I do.

Are we on the ground floor?

Yes.

THUMP!

-Hi!

-Hi, Miranda!

How was the flight?

Oh, you must be exhausted.

Jet lag with only four days...

Thanks for that photo. Gorgeous beach!

Yes. She looks like she's got the sun a bit.

Can I just stop you? You all know.

-What?

-What? They know as well?

-Wild times?

-Well, eat your words.

Because what's not wild about getting drunk, ordering an escort, breaking into the shop,

making new friends, running a seminar and diving out of a window?

Officially, a little bit crazy.

-No, not Billy Joel.

-Yeah!

You'll all be up, it's a classic.

# Uptown girl

# She's been living in her uptown world

# I'll bet she never had a backstreet guy... #

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