Job Miranda

Good evening! Biscuit?

Sorry, they're mine!

Previously in my life,

my mother makes me get a proper job...

So we're assigning Miranda to the Royal Navy.

What?!

The first trip is seven months.

Couldn't it be longer?

Miranda, are you sure you want to be in the Navy?

# In the Navy!

# You can sail the seven seas In the Navy! #

I bet you get that a lot.

No.

Alarming propensity to sing in interviews.

Luckily, for that one, I failed the exercise test.

They asked me to run, I said, "No!"

Well, I think running is wrong unless professionally or as a child.

I think, as an adult, you should only run if you're near a train station and look at your watch first.

Yeah, I mean galloping is more fun, isn't it?

That's something I'd like to see more of, make commuting fun.

Yeah, I never really had an obvious career path.

That was clear from the careers officer at uni.

What do you think are your main strengths?

Oh, probably dressing pets as famous detectives.

No, even you would have been impressed by Poirot Pussy.

-Go away, please.

-Let's not dwell, on with the show!

-Morning.

-Morning!

Oh, brilliant, new pirate stock! Ha-ha!

-Please don't.

-Oh, Stevie, you know you love it.

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrr!

What is wrong, my very small friend?

Bank statements. You know, can you stop using the business account for personal purchases, please?

Look, you're still paying £60 a month gym membership? You never go!

I don't need to, I am in fine shape.

A lunge and stretch...

Oh, yes, I am a woman in her prime.

Don't you think, madam? Out of interest how old would you have me?

They always come under, Stevie.

43.

I know what's happened. You're dyslexic.

Because I'm 34, you've reversed the numbers in your head.

That's what's happened here.

No, I thought you were 43.

Right, get out, please!

-But I need to buy...

-Bye-bye is what you need to do. Bye-bye!

-Maybe I should go to the gym.

-20...

You're loving the expenses issue, aren't you?

Well, you know, it's a task, and I am the...

BOTH: Task master.

Oh, sorry, what's that you're asking me, Miss Heather Small?

-Oh, is she there?

-Yes.

# What have you done today To make you feel proud?

Well, Heather, I've done an excellent expenditure...

Oh, no, that's the wrong side, this is the employee of the month board with me in all of them.

-Oh, look at my little face! I've been doing an excellent expenditure chart.

-Oh, yeah, that is good.

Talk me through it.

-Really?

-No!

Can you just try and cut back, yes?

Take things a little bit more seriously.

Of course, captain. Ah-ha-ha-ha-harrrr!

Stay back or I'll throw you to the sex-starved men below!

Oh, sorry, Mum.

Listen, Tilly, outside, promotion, her mother gloating.

You, fake job, big success.

Sorry, I think you dropped some verbs on the way in.

Verbs...

On the way in, she just got a...I said you got a...

to pretend you're the...your father and me wish you were.

I told Tilly you'd got a new job.

-But I've got a job!

-A proper job, I said you work in television.

What? Mum, are you ashamed of me?

Oh, darling, of course I am, ridiculous question.

Well, Penny, I think you're being a little bit harsh there.

Under careful management, this shop could become a successful chain.

You know, when people want...a pair of comedy breasts, they'll think of your daughter.

They already do.

Look, who cares if Tilly's got a promotion?

She's the idiot with everything "fabbifun" and "marvellisimus".

Oh! Gosh, she's coming.

-She's got such an annoying, what I call, walk.

-It is a walk, isn't it?

It's not what you call a walk, that's such an annoying expression.

We've got to convince her.

Oh, hello, Tilly, what a total and utter surprise.

We were just talking about Miranda's new job in television.

Yeah! Mummy told me!

Congratulasareeny, Queen Kong!

Mwah! Mwah!

It sounds spectaculant.

Yes, yes, it's fabbifun.

And what a surprise, flabbergastamoomoo!

No offence, I just didn't have you down as a career bitch.

More someone who mucked around in a shop.

Well, actually, as a local business bitch,

she's been doing some research for a documentary about the retail industry.

-Yeah.

-Would anyone in their right mind enjoy making a living from selling...penis pasta?

Yes, I mean, who would enjoy that on their own of an evening?

Wowzers... A documentary, who for?

Yes.

What?

Who 4. It's a new channel.

E4, More4, Who4.

And which company are you working for?

-It's a small production company down here.

-Down here? What's it called?

-What's it called?

-What?

What's It Called, that's what it's called.

What's It Called, which is funny because when people ring up,

we say, "Hello, What's It Called,"

and they say, "Don't you know? It's your company."

And then they say, "Who are you making programmes for?"

and we say "Who4," and they say "Yes, that's what I'm asking you."

And we all laugh so very much.

Listen, listen, the reason I've come is I'm having a - whisper it -

miniscule celebratione of my promotion tomorrow night, you come?

-Penny come!

-Sounds divine.

And Kongeroo, defo come.

-Great.

-You come.

-Yeah.

-Come.

-Go.

-Come!

-Go.

-Come.

Come, come, come, come, come, come, come!

Go, go, go...

Oh! Well done, darling.

Mum! I can't believe Tilly said I couldn't get a proper career.

I could be a Tilly!

Do you know? Actually, I think it might be time for me to move on.

Yeah, I've always said once I got the shop up and running and an excellent manager in...

-Good morning.

-Good morning to you. Then I could consider something else.

Oh, at last! Go, Miranda!

Now first, like all good career bitches, I am off to the gym.

Yes, the gym. Oh, yes.

Look at me go.

Excuse me, I don't think these doors are working.

If it's a press the knob and release, it is not functioning.

I'm really banging the knob now.

Don't!

BUZZER

Are you OK?

I'm fine, my workout starts the minute I enter the building.

I am permanently pumping.

Do you want a hand?

No, I've got it.

There she goes!

OK!

That way?

Oh, yeah.

Help! Stop, please!

Someone make it stop!

Help!

Thanks for that. Just the ones I'm used to are a bit less...

Yeah...

Aaaah!

I mean, what do they do?

I mean, does anyone really know what they do?

Keep going, you'll be halfway across the Channel.

Right, do you know, I'm just going to get the ferry.

Whee!

That's what they're used for.

Hi, guys.

Blimey. Are you all right?

Oh, my flat needs redecorating, and that's just the shade of red I was looking for.

What do you call that? Heart-attack maroon?

Cholesterol magenta?

Full-fat fuchsia?

No, Clive, I'm not going to high-five you, go away.

This is just a healthy post-workout glow, yes, workout,

so now I shall have a carrot and orange smoothie and a low-fat bagel.

And what I mean by that is a hot chocolate and an enormous slice of cake.

I am going to look for another job.

Why?

Because Tilly and Mum say I couldn't. I could get a proper job, right?

Guys? At least my school was more supportive.

-Miranda, don't run in the corridor!

-It's a gallop, Miss.

I think all businessmen should do it, and one day I hope to tell the nation via a TV show.

Oh, Miranda, with that naive optimism, you gallop, girl!

Well, I'd help with the job search thing, but I've got loads of kitchen prep to do.

I've got a reunion tomorrow, with my RAF pals.

You were in the RAF?

With the uniform?

Just the cadets for a bit when I left school.

Oh, Maverick, you stud, take me to bed and lose me forever.

# Take my breath away-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay... #

Pilot your jet into my flight path.

Said it all out loud!

Oh, there you are. Now saddle up, I've got you an interview tomorrow morning.

Manager of a sales team in a, what I call, department store.

It is a department store.

Oh, Evergreeens, they're big!

No, I could do that, couldn't I?

-Guys?

-Do you want me to come with you?

Not a good idea.

-Please take her!

-No.

She's got excellent sea legs.

-Show him your sea legs.

-No.

I really don't need to see her legs.

Come on, show them. Put your sea legs on the Captain's table!

Speak later, dashing off to Cakersize with Belinda.

-Cakersize?

-Cake decorations and aerobics, you have to leave exactly the same weight as you came in.

Such fun!

Do you know, this really could be my thing, couldn't it? Retail experience, people skills.

Oh! Blimey, how can you get so stiff so soon?

I take it you won't be going back to the gym?

Oh, no, I'm going back, I am...very much going back.

Come on, that's it.

I want to cancel my membership.

-Do you want to transfer to another branch?

-No, I just want to cancel.

You're not moving and want to use a different gym in our chain?

That's the same question, slightly different wording.

You have to give three months' notice to cancel

-and a month's notice to say you'll be giving the final three months.

-Which is four months'!

It's one month's notice to say you'll be giving the final three months'.

And that is four months' notice.

-You've only got five months left on your contract.

-I want no months, nil months, nada monthes!

You might as well stick with it.

I don't want to stick with it. I joined on a New Year's Day whim with a number of size 16 and over

women aged 34-54, most of whom are on their own now at home with a pie and a bottle of wine,

as your direct debit goes out of their bank accounts.

OK? So on their behalf, I would like to cancel my membership, yeah?

Gyms are not for people like me, they're for people like her, you stretchy freak!

Please, don't hassle our members, or I'll have to ask you to leave for unsocial behaviour.

Do you know, I don't know how you sleep at night when all you do is hand out

a towel once every three hours to a piece of Lycra carrying a woman...

..whilst the majority pay for the upkeep, and we may not be

the majority in numbers, but pound for pound there's more of us.

Yeah, we could get you.

OK, maybe not, but we could have a sit-on,

and I will personally sit on you, and not in a fun way.

Sorry, do you mind if I just do that?

That is lovely.

Listen, be warned, because I do get what I want, OK, which is why I'm a successful career bitch.

-What do you do?

-I've got an interview at Evergreens, the department store, as it goes...

Evergreens?

Oh, Tilly, hi!

Sorry, what happened to your TV job?

Yeah, well, you know, it wasn't challenging enough, cos when your

brain's as agile as your body, you know,

you need constant challenges.

The knob isn't yielding!

I don't know what...

BUZZER

Queen Kong, you lama!

Knob, and now I mean the button...

BUZZER

And release, thank you!

What do you think? Interview chic.

Get me a skinny frappucino.

I've no idea what that is.

I like to think you might be presented with a tiny Italian man.

Hi. Come in, sit down.

Thank you.

I'm Darren, head of marketing, this is Sophie and Neil from HR.

Hello. Thanks for seeing me.

It's a pleasure. So let's get straight to it, what do you think you could bring to this job?

Bring to it? Oh, erm...

I think I could bring...some tea and cakes to it, would it like that?

Well, it could certainly motivate the team.

The team you'd be heading young, so they do need a lot of motivation.

Is that something you could bring to the table?

Oh, I could splatter this table with motivation.

Yeah, yeah, I'll motivate you now, if you want.

Go on, then.

Oh, OK, erm...

Get off your fat arses and do something!

It's certainly blatant.

Now, a lot of our products are for children, young families. Do you have kids?

I don't, no, but I get inside kids' heads all the time.

Not in a freaky subliminal way, that would be very odd.

No, but I just love children, I believe children are our future.

Don't sing, don't sing.

# Teach them well and let them lead the way

# Show them all the beauty They possess inside

# I can't stop Give them a sense of pride

# Because the greatest love of all

# Is happening to me

# I found the greatest love of all

# Inside of me The greatest love... #

# I decided long ago

# Never to walk in anyone's shadows

# If I fail, if I succeed

# At least I'll live as I believe. #

Thank you very much.

That was very inspiring.

I didn't realise I knew so many verses.

I didn't realise there were so many verses.

So, erm...is there anything you'd like to ask us?

Ooh, yes, yes.

When lightning strikes the sea, why don't all the fish die?

-Relevant to the job.

-Oh, no.

Well, thanks very much for coming in, we'll be in touch.

Thank you, Sir Alan, Margaret, Nick.

So? How did it go?

Yes, yeah, good...I think.

No, I think there were some positives amongst...

-You sang, didn't you?

-Yeah.

You've got to stop doing that in formal situations.

I know, I can't help it, I just panic, and I'm not the only one.

Look I'm not sure her heart is in the navy.

# My heart will go on and...

# Near, far

# Wherever you are

# I believe that my...

DOOR SLAMS

I mean, of all things to be hereditary!

Maybe you're not just up to the cut and thrust of the business world.

Thrust!

Oh, it's a funny word, that's all.

It doesn't mean I'm not capable of taking business seriously and thrusting with the best of them.

Oh, thrust is a funny word, come on, thrust, thrust.

Stevie, thrust, thrust, it's funny, thrust.

Oh, I've said it too much now.

Thrust, thrust, it's gone weird, thrust.

PHONE RINGS

Good morning. No, no, I'm her associate.

-Yeah, sure. It's Evergreens.

-Oh, no, you take it, I can't!

Yeah.

Right, well, they liked your unique and unorthodox technique

and, once they understood what you were saying,

knew they wanted you, can you start tomorrow?

I will be there at 10.00am sharp.

Oh, no, they start at eight.

I will be there at ten.

Yep, unique and unorthodox

who can thrust with the best of them!

Go me, go me, go me!

How did this happen? A proper job!

Oh, at last I don't have to lie at a school reunion. The last one...

After finishing my PhD, I got a job in the Foreign Office.

It's quite an adjustment from NGO relief work in Cambodia, I can tell you.

So what do you do?

I'm... Myleene Klass.

Right, now I work in management, I can manage the gym situ.

There's nothing I can do.

The contract's foolproof.

Fine! Except earlier you said you'd ask people to leave for antisocial behaviour, OK?

So if you don't cancel my membership I'm going to...

I will...

I will shit all over your towels!

-We'll just wash 'em.

-Fine, OK.

Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, then.

I'm going to...break your swimming pool.

-How?

-I'll tell you how, the idea's just forming in my head.

I will usher in a mass of dirty dogs.

-Dogs?

-Yes, dogs, and I will...

I have no idea where I'm going with this.

Yes, dogs, and I will throw them in the pool, and I might even release a bigger animal.

Get a sheep, you know a sheep that is covered in poo balls!

You know, those poo balls that they have, poo balls I tell you, poo balls, yeah?

They are impacted sort of poo balls at the end of their...poo balls!

We'd have you arrested before you got a sheep in here.

Fine! Well, you'd bar a lunatic for defacing equipment, wouldn't you?

So I tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to wee all over the ball pool! Wee!

Hello, Darren.

Very much looking forward to seeing you tomorrow morning.

No, no, you won't. You're fired.

Yes, Sir Alan, erm...

-Even if I got there at 8.00am?

-Please stop addressing me.

Sure, OK, yes.

Now look what you've done, I've lost my job, I can't afford membership,

so is your company happy for a customer to wee in a ball pool in protest of its rules...

OK, OK, if you stop, I'll give you £5 off your monthly fee and a free instructor for six weeks.

That might work, I could commit, then, actually.

And if you sign up to our exclusive 36-month contract...

..we'll give you a free towel robe.

Do I look stupid?

Look at it, it's gorgeous.

It's not just a towel, it is a robe. It is royal drying.

Listen, I'm sorry about the job.

No, it's fine. Stevie's right, the career world, not for me.

What about working here tonight?

We're really busy, and I've got this RAF thing.

-Oh, officer, permission to land your aircraft between...

-Out loud.

-Shush, Miranda!

Sure, I'll help out if I can see you in uniform later.

OK, sounds like a deal.

I salute you, commander.

-Ooh!

-Oh, please.

Clive, if you are insinuating, that

I am thinking about An Officer And A Gentleman, you are sorely mistaken.

I haven't had those kind of dreams since I was 12...18. 27.

33...last night.

Just now!

You weed in a ball pool!

Ssh! I didn't wee in it, I just threatened to.

Carry on with your meals, please.

And now you're a waitress!

Tilly can't see this. I told her you got the job at Evergreens.

Oh! Lord, this is a, what I call, nightmare.

Hey!

Queen of the Congo! Ooh-rah!

Kissingtons! Mwah!

Cheeky Pinot? My shouticles?

-Oh, what, are you staying?

-It's my promotion drinkus.

-Here?

-Yes, I've got a few peeps coming from the orifice.

Right.

Join! Join, join, join, join!

-Sit ! Sit, sit, sit...

-Sure, yes, yes.

So two wines, you said?

How's this going to work?

-So complimentini on the Evergreens job.

-Thank you.

-Are you replacing that nutter who got fired before they started?

-Blimey, news travels fast out there.

Well, let's just say some eccentric, to give the nutter her due.

Or his due, whoever's due it was, it wasn't my due.

I've said "due" too much now, it sounds weird. Due... Due... Thrust!

Sorry, right,

I'm just going to get the drinks.

I think you should relax, it is waitress service.

Yes, but I always think it's nice to pitch in.

Miranda, I'm swamped here, get these orders out.

Right. What are you...?! This is all your fault.

Come! Come, come, come!

Yes...

And, er...two white wines!

Sorry, how is this wine?

-Oh, my giddy, Miranda, are you a waitress?

-No!

Excuse me, waitress, I think that's our order.

Right. She is talking to you.

You weed in a ball pool?!

Did you wee in a ball pool?

That's disgusting!

-Miranda, you're on the verge of turning my fiesta into a fiasco.

-OK, I'll explain.

You're probably confused.

One minute I'm working in television, the next I'm in Evergreens, and now I'm a waitress.

Well, OK, do you know, for once at a social occasione, I'm going to proudly say what I do for a living.

-Good girlie!

-She's been undercover.

-No, no, Mum...

-She's a surveillance commander in the forces.

Yeah, the secret service, is it?

Sorry, why don't you think I could do that?

-People can be so quick to judge.

-Can't they, Stevie?

How many jobs have you had or not had today?

And now you seriously expect me to believe you're in the forces?

-Good evening!

-Wow.

MUSIC: "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong"

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-Hi!

Hi.

-Commander.

-Cadet Preston.

-The barracks are secure, ma'am, and we are awaiting your further orders.

-Thank you.

-You can stand down for the night.

-Thank you, ma'am.

No way!

This has worked out marvelisamussolini!

Right, come on, then, I know you've been dying to do this.

MUSIC: "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Way to go, Miranda!

Way to go!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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