The New Me Miranda

Well, hello to you, my old chums.

What a veritable thrill to see you all again. Particularly you, cheeky!

Let me get you up to speed.

Previously in my life, the gorgeous Gary upped his sticks to Hong Kong.

Which I've been fine about. I mean, I don't think it's weird making fruit friends.

Things only ever went wrong when I was with Gary anyway.

-This is the place, come on!

-Woo-hoo!

Ooh, it looks great!

Say nothing. Shush, please.

No, I'm fine.

Tired, but that's because I've been sleeping on a lilo because my bed broke. Too much action!

MUSIC: "Reach For The Stars" by S Club 7

And if I have been down, I definitely turned a corner last night.

SHE SINGS DRUNKENLY # Is there any way that I can say

# That you're... SHE SCREECHES

It's too high, Daniel, and it's unnaturally high for a man.

Right, let's jolly on with the show.

-Hello, Stevie.

-Oh, dear.

Oh, your new stock keeps bringing in these posh girls.

-Are you disparaging Stevie's boutique corner?

-No...maybe.

I don't know what disparaging means.

-Mocking.

-Oh, then yes.

"Yah, I'm going to see Hugo, Wills, Milly, Billy and Bella so need a new trinkety necklace."

Hello.

Are you making fun of me?

No, no, what do you mean?

This is how I speak.

So, do you need any help?

It's quite tricky.

Anything you'd like to try on?

No, fine, thanks.

Have you looked in the mirror recently?

Come on, you've got to get your act together, Miranda. Stop wallowing.

-I have stopped wallowing. I've told you, I've moved on.

-Good.

So you won't want to see Gary's postcard that came this morning.

A lovely postcard written in Gary's lovely, fair hand.

-Oh, dear! Do you concede?

-Yes, I concede.

-Thank you.

"Hey, really enjoying life out here so far.

"Plans all a bit up in the air. Thinking of you all. Love G."

That's it? After three months he sends me that?

Right, well, forget him. Seriously.

-Good girly.

-I will move on. I will be a new me.

Get fit, lose weight.

A new me shall reigneth.

Like a phoenix emerging from the ashes of my old life and flapping off.

Behold! I am woman. And Phoenix. Both.

But not in a mutanty way.

And yes, I have indeed lost my train of thought.

Oh, no, it's Tilly.

Buongiorno peeps. Ugh, Stevie, looks like there's a tramp in the shop.

Where? Oh, the tramp is me.

You have majorly let yourself go. Slackarooni cheese.

So, Queen Kong, I bring good tidings of great joy.

Stinky Von Tusse is in town and she wants to luncheonate at the new Sushi place. Will you come?

It's going to be tremendulent.

Stinky was the most brillo head girl ever.

Once...do you remember?

She Immacked a squirrel!

It was the funniest thing.

You'll come, you'll come?

No hush, no hush, no hush, no hush up, you have to come.

So I don't look the saddo in front of Stinkles. Yes!

OK, I am now going to power walk back to the orifice.

Cha, cha cha, cha cha, kerpow!

You've got to be more assertive, Miranda. What about the new you?

She'll start on Monday.

Don't judge me with your little eyes, I've been very depressed.

(SHE SOBS) I've been very depressed!

Look at the state of me.

Watching telly all day with friends made of fruit.

Are you enjoying it, Gordon?

I look like a tramp. I've got to go to Tilly's lunch, Gary's gone.

I suppose it couldn't get worse.

Darling, I've left your father and I'm coming to live with you.

Oh, Mum. Not again?

He's bound to crawl back tomorrow. It's nude fondue night.

Don't worry, darling, you won't even notice I'm here.

Guaranteed I'll be so irritated I'll have to leave in under 30 seconds.

Set your watches... go.

-Have you been cutting your own hair?

-Three seconds, already annoyed.

And look at all this. You should have a bath, then get some air,

have a lovely what I call walk.

It IS a walk.

-Mum...

-Sorry, won't interfere.

-If she calls the remote controls a silly name...

-You'll have to show me how to work these.

-Who needs three doobries?

-Right! That's it. Why's it so annoying? 20 seconds.

Doobries!

So, forget Monday, look, I'm starting now.

Are you ready to speak to Heather?

-Please go ahead.

-What have you done today to make you feel proud?

-Heather, Miss Heather Small, hello to you.

-Hello.

Today I have begun the new me.

Mum and Tilly won't know what's hit them.

I'm going to be the kind of woman who

leaps out of bed and just does that, and their hair looks perfect.

They then grab a home made muffin out of their Cath Kidston polka dot biscuit tin

and head to work, wearing trainers at the bottom of a skirt suit to show off they've power walked in.

They have pot plants that don't die on them.

Their fruit bowl isn't full of three-week-old rotting pears because they actually eat the fruit.

They have day bags, evening bags and a clutch.

They just grab a wheatgerm smoothie in between work because that's enough

to keep them going, even though at lunch they jogged, and enjoyed it,

because they don't have flesh that moves independently to their main frame.

And finally, they have easy access to pens to finish a crossword

at a bar where the man they decided to take as a lover the night before

says to them, "Hey, last night was great."

You know, I'll be that kind of woman.

-Yeah, good luck with that.

-Darling, I'm doing a whites wash,

if your pants are dirty, pop them off, I'll pop them in.

Right, well, that's not the best of starts.

She'll have to go, but don't worry, the new me shall still reigneth.

Look at her forming before your very eyes.

Now excuse me, I'm off to have sushi with Tilly and Stinky and my new trinkety necklace.

A cha cha cha, a cha ch cha.

A cha cha cha. Ooh yeah!

POSH ACCENT: Eight down.

"Remove vehicles, reversing at back of depot."

Oh, well that could be van...lorry.

Hang on, I know this. I can so get this.

-It's...

-Sub-tract, of course.

-Of course, of course.

Right, let's eat. It all looks edible von guzzlebucket.

-I'm starvington stations.

-Yup, Hungelos McMungelos.

Stinky, do you remember the time that I got locked in the boot...

-PHONE RINGS

-I'm sorry. Bear with, bear with, bear with...

Oh, fabulasmic.

VIP invite to scoffulate dans la cite.

-So, Queen Kong, what news with you?

-Just focusing on my business.

We do trinkets and nicknaks now.

This is one of ours.

Gorge, and are we lucksville in love?

Actually, I did get a postcard from an old beau, Gary, this morning.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, bear with, bear with, bear with...

"Call now for a new tariff breakdown."

Oh, dear.

Sounds like you've lost him to his travels.

That's fine, because I'm totally... can I have it back? I'm so over him.

-You're so not over him.

-I am.

-She's so not over him.

I am. I'm a whole new me.

Oh, no! I'm stuck.

Sorry, sorry.

-Just undo it at the back.

-I can't. I'm so sorry, sorry.

Excuse me, I'm going to actually have to mount your travelator.

Oh, Queen Kong, you're such a dweeb.

Hello, afternoon.

I've unhooked.

Sorry about this, sorry, sorry.

I'll just finish the circuit. Saves walking.

-Utterly mortifying.

-Sorry about that. Can I...? Whilst I'm here.

Hello again.

Right, where were we?

-Leaving.

-Quick.

I could wolf a gateau but just a peppermint tea for me.

Yah, I could scoffulate a puddington but just a skinny cap, please.

I could inhale a mealy vanilly but, um...

just a crumble, please.

You still feeling bad about Gary?

Can people stop asking me that? I'm fine.

Good cos there's a new chef arriving any minute.

-I was going to tell you.

-Really?

Well, d'you know, that's good.

Now I know Gary's not coming back.

Good, gone are the days where I pathetically make an idiot of myself over some hunky chef.

That must be him.

MUSIC: Main Theme from Top Gun

-Clive, can you switch that music off?

-Sorry.

-Hi. Clive, is it?

-Yes, nice to meet you at last.

-Girls.

-Hola.

Hello.

Why am I curtseying?

I've just got to keep going now.

How do you do?

SHE FARTS

Sorry.

Sorry. That was my dog.

-What was?

-That noise.

-I thought that was a chair scraping.

-It was.

Then what was your dog?

I don't have a dog.

-You said the noise was your dog.

-It might have been YOUR dog.

-I don't have a dog.

-Well, stop saying you do.

Right, so everyone, this is Danny.

# I got chills, they're multiplying

# And I'm losing control. #

I always get Danny from Grease with the bike leathers, the accent.

# You better shape up

# Cos I need a man

# And my heart is set on you

# You're the one that I want, You're the one I want... #

We've stopped.

# The one I need, oh, yes, indeed. #

Sorry, it's a weirdly hard tune to stop. # You're the one that I want... I'm off again.

# Oo-oo-ooh, honey. #

Look, there's a thing...

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie.

-I'm with much news, which I shall now birth.

-Ready to receive, caller.

A new chef has arrived at the restaurant who you could happily compare to some kind of god,

and he would be very much in the running for the new me to take as her lover.

But the new me is currently worse than the old me.

-This is not possible.

-I farted in front of him,

blamed it on an imaginary dog and sung in his face.

I give up.

-Maybe you should try that life coach again.

-No, thanks.

Imagine your anxieties filling the balloon.

My anxieties are everywhere. Save yourselves!

Right, I'm going to start a spring clean, even though it is what I call, November.

-And are you getting a new bed? We can't both sleep on the lilo.

-Maybe one of us should leave.

Where would you go? Don't worry, if nude fondue doesn't make your father want me back

then he'll be desperate for my kinky quiche.

Do you want me to get you a bed?

No, I'll get my own bed, thank you.

-Don't forget your keys.

-I'm not six!

I forgot my keys!

Don't panic, we'll force her out, what does she hate?

I don't know. I'm too depressed to think straight.

Ghosts, she hates ghosts. But how could that work?

Don't worry about me. I'll just be fine,

I'll just...

Yeah, this is nice.

-If you like the bed, there's an offer, free duvet... It's 15 tog.

-Tog.

It's a funny word, isn't it?

Yes, suppose it is.

Oh, those look fun.

-All you'd need would be a ball pool to land in for mornings to be a total joy.

-Ball pool!

-Yeah, they're great for kids.

-Yes, I wasn't thinking for me.

I was, I was.

-This is a nice one.

-Try it.

I'll just help this gentleman.

It's got a lovely rigid frame.

-The bed, not the gentleman.

-Get off!

-Excuse me, could you tell me what tog these duvets are?

-Oh, I don't...

-Well, 15 tog.

-And do the beds come ready assembled?

-I have no idea.

-Stop asking me questions.

-Well, there's no need for that attitude.

Excuse me, are you the manager?

-This woman has been quite rude.

-I'm not being...

Don't argue with the customer. Must be the new girl. I'm so sorry, I'll sort this out myself.

-Where's your name badge?

-Actually, there's been...

This must be you.

-I need...

-Don't argue back, I need you down the warehouse now, they're over-stretched.

-But...

-Come on, hurry up!

I think this has got a bit out of hand.

So, have you got a boyfriend, Sandy?

Sandy, that's me.

I don't know.

Does Sandy have a boyfriend? I'd know, wouldn't I, being Sandy?

Does Sandy have a boyfriend?

-No, she doesn't.

-Good.

Cos we were all saying yesterday, we should, like, totally renounce men. Do you know what I'm saying?

I do know what you're sayin', sounds great. I've caught her accent.

Renouncing men... Bring it on, my sisters.

Yeah, cos we don't need males. In't that right?

In't that just right, though, innit? Yeah, I've had enough of men...innit.

-That's it. Go, girl.

-Oh, do you want me to go?

Oh, I see. Sorry, you go, girl. No, I go. Go me.

Cos I'm saying to myself this, Sandy, I was saying, Sandy, you,

my girl, will not be pushed around no more.

-D'you know what I mean?

-I do, yes, because I just said it.

What are you doing back here?

-I'm Sandy.

-No, you're not.

-Says who?

-I do.

-Oh, do you now, you diddly doo?

I've gone Irish.

I think you should leave.

Not before I show you the bed that I want, and at a staff discount.

Never let them push you round, girls, yeah?

-D'you get me?

-Go me. Go Sandy.

Where have you been?

I did a four-hour shift at the bed shop.

But more importantly I have discovered my inner Sandy.

-Yo, girlfriend.

-I already like Sandy.

She's wicked. And she says, well I say, we, I, am renouncing men.

I'm renouncing men. Amen.

-A man.

-A man! Sorry.

-I see. A man. Hello.

-Hi.

Clive said you worked here? Nice shop.

Thanks. Do you like my trinkets?

Not a euphemism.

I'm looking for someone to show me around.

Clive also said you're the only single lady in town.

Well, I'm also sing...

-Yeah, that's me.

-Because you're renouncing men?

-Ah, yes.

-OK. That's a shame.

What are you doing? You can't renounce him!

I can't suddenly un-renounce, he'll think I'm odd and confused.

Which I am, but we must hide this.

Sandy isn't odd and confused. Go get your Danny.

-Oh! Sandy and Danny. And if you don't go for it, I'll whip out my allure.

-Don't even...

-Now, I don't like getting a no.

-I'd say yes.

Are you renouncing all men? What if I asked you out tonight?

I would say, you are officially renounced but there is a clause

in my renouncement that says this. If somebody is new to an area,

and asks a woman out on the first night, the aforementioned woman

mentioned heretofore is obliged, nay commanded, nay must accept.

-That's a good clause. I like a headstrong, independent woman.

-Well, hello.

My last girlfriend lived with her mom. Pretty freaky, huh?

Miranda, I've washed your control pants.

That should suck it all back in.

-This is my cleaner.

-Well, excuse me.

-(He's asking me out.)

-FOREIGN ACCENT: Well, hello,

I am cleaner. Miss Penelopia.

-And where are you from?

-Poland?

And I was coming down because I needed polish.

Imagine. I am Polish, and I forgot my polish.

-OK, so I'll see you later. 6.30?

-Lovely.

Ooooh!

-Mum, make sure you're out of the flat tonight.

-Why because he might come back?

He might! He might! OH, HE MIGHT!

Hurry up, he's downstairs. I can't believe you slept all afternoon.

I just meant to try my new bed. One size tights does not fit all.

Oh, yes, I forgot to say.

There's a massive goat in my sitting room and you just forgot to say.

It's good, isn't it?

You said your mum hates goats.

Ghosts.

I said ghosts. Who has any strong opinions on goats?

I did think it was odd.

And you didn't check before, how?

Don't worry, I am going out, I just bought a few more things to spruce...

GOAT BLEATS

Scary, isn't it? Grrr, a goat.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello?

Quick!

Hello!

Hi. Are you all ready?

Yes. Let me just grab my clutch... clutch bag.

Good word, clutch. Isn't it?

Yeah, clutch.

-BLEATING

-What was that?

M-m-m-m-me, I'm so excited.

M-m-m-m-m! Shall we go?

W-w-w-w-wait for me-e-e-e!

# Tell me more, tell me more...! #

Wow, what a beautiful place.

Wow!

-Can I use your loo?

-It's through there.

Did you make these? What do you use?

Umm... Flour, food...

hobs...nobs.

-Nutmeg.

-Nutmeg.

OH!

I'm a nut for nutmeg.

-Mum, what are you doing here?

-Sorry. I didn't think he'd come back. Your father's changed the locks.

Not interested. Quick, get in the bedroom.

Hello. Do you want to take a seat?

-Drink?

-Scotch if you have one.

I have to say I think I got you all wrong.

-Use the nice tumblers.

-What?

Use the nice tumblers... I said to myself.

OK.

Get out!

-There you go.

-Thanks.

-I'm glad you came out tonight.

-Yes, me too.

One doesn't always feel in the mood to renounce, hence the unrenouncement clause.

Can I get another Scotch?

There you go.

Wow. You seem to have everything under control.

That's very sexy.

Sorry, I'll have to stop you there.

Oh, that's disappointing. You're quite something.

-So they say.

-Can I call you?

-Sure, you've got my number.

Ciao.

He is in my palm.

# It's raining men, hallelujah

# It's raining men, amen

# I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna let myself get

# Absolutely soaking wet

# It's raining men, hallelujah

# It's raining men... #

To mock or belittle, nine letters.

Disparage.

Who are you?

Hey. Last night was great.

I did it!

Not so much a dweeb now.

Although there was one thing that was missing.

Gary!

Hi.

Hello.

-Gary sent the postcard after he got there but it only just arrived.

-Sorry.

And now I'm feeling teary because I've been thinking about him for months. Why's he suddenly back?

I think he said he got the sack. Really?

-We need to find out his situation.

-Yes, but what do I do about...

-Listen, I've been let go. Gary's contract's still open.

-Gary's got his job back!

-But if I'm staying, I don't want this to be awkward.

-Awkward? This? Awkward?

Who's awkward? Funny word, awkward.

Something awkward about the word awkward.

Clutch!

No, sorry I'm cazh...

You're acting weird.

Ask Gary if he has a girlfriend.

So, what does your girlfriend think of you leaving Hong Kong?

-I don't have a girlfriend.

-Gary was telling me about this job in Birmingham.

-I might check it out if that's cool.

-Of course. This was only...

Ask if Gary's considered the jobs in Birmingham?

-Have you considered the joggers, that you might burn in them?

-Backfired.

I'd better go, I have a hunch I might have got in the middle of something here.

BOTH: Us? No, no we're just friends.

-He's only just got back from Hong Kong.

-Right.

Goodbye.

-So, things have changed a bit.

-It's just the new me.

Miranda, I think that goat ate your bunion insole.

Excuse me, we need to talk about the damage to this man's restaurant.

-That's her.

-I'm Sandy, stop impersonating me or I'll report you.

Kid's ball pool for Miranda?

Welcome back.

I think I preferred the old you anyway.

Come here.

-Ball pool?

-Yes. Follow me.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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