The New Me Miranda


The New Me

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Transcript


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Well, hello to you, my old chums.

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What a veritable thrill to see you all again. Particularly you, cheeky!

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Let me get you up to speed.

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Previously in my life, the gorgeous Gary upped his sticks to Hong Kong.

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Which I've been fine about. I mean, I don't think it's weird making fruit friends.

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Things only ever went wrong when I was with Gary anyway.

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-This is the place, come on!

-Woo-hoo!

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Ooh, it looks great!

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Say nothing. Shush, please.

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No, I'm fine.

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Tired, but that's because I've been sleeping on a lilo because my bed broke. Too much action!

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MUSIC: "Reach For The Stars" by S Club 7

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And if I have been down, I definitely turned a corner last night.

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SHE SINGS DRUNKENLY # Is there any way that I can say

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# That you're... SHE SCREECHES

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It's too high, Daniel, and it's unnaturally high for a man.

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Right, let's jolly on with the show.

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-Hello, Stevie.

-Oh, dear.

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Oh, your new stock keeps bringing in these posh girls.

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-Are you disparaging Stevie's boutique corner?

-No...maybe.

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I don't know what disparaging means.

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-Mocking.

-Oh, then yes.

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"Yah, I'm going to see Hugo, Wills, Milly, Billy and Bella so need a new trinkety necklace."

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Hello.

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Are you making fun of me?

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No, no, what do you mean?

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This is how I speak.

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So, do you need any help?

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It's quite tricky.

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Anything you'd like to try on?

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No, fine, thanks.

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Have you looked in the mirror recently?

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Come on, you've got to get your act together, Miranda. Stop wallowing.

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-I have stopped wallowing. I've told you, I've moved on.

-Good.

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So you won't want to see Gary's postcard that came this morning.

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A lovely postcard written in Gary's lovely, fair hand.

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-Oh, dear! Do you concede?

-Yes, I concede.

-Thank you.

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"Hey, really enjoying life out here so far.

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"Plans all a bit up in the air. Thinking of you all. Love G."

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That's it? After three months he sends me that?

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Right, well, forget him. Seriously.

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-Good girly.

-I will move on. I will be a new me.

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Get fit, lose weight.

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A new me shall reigneth.

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Like a phoenix emerging from the ashes of my old life and flapping off.

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Behold! I am woman. And Phoenix. Both.

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But not in a mutanty way.

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And yes, I have indeed lost my train of thought.

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Oh, no, it's Tilly.

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Buongiorno peeps. Ugh, Stevie, looks like there's a tramp in the shop.

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Where? Oh, the tramp is me.

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You have majorly let yourself go. Slackarooni cheese.

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So, Queen Kong, I bring good tidings of great joy.

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Stinky Von Tusse is in town and she wants to luncheonate at the new Sushi place. Will you come?

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It's going to be tremendulent.

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Stinky was the most brillo head girl ever.

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Once...do you remember?

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She Immacked a squirrel!

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It was the funniest thing.

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You'll come, you'll come?

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No hush, no hush, no hush, no hush up, you have to come.

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So I don't look the saddo in front of Stinkles. Yes!

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OK, I am now going to power walk back to the orifice.

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Cha, cha cha, cha cha, kerpow!

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You've got to be more assertive, Miranda. What about the new you?

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She'll start on Monday.

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Don't judge me with your little eyes, I've been very depressed.

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(SHE SOBS) I've been very depressed!

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Look at the state of me.

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Watching telly all day with friends made of fruit.

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Are you enjoying it, Gordon?

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I look like a tramp. I've got to go to Tilly's lunch, Gary's gone.

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I suppose it couldn't get worse.

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Darling, I've left your father and I'm coming to live with you.

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Oh, Mum. Not again?

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He's bound to crawl back tomorrow. It's nude fondue night.

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Don't worry, darling, you won't even notice I'm here.

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Guaranteed I'll be so irritated I'll have to leave in under 30 seconds.

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Set your watches... go.

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-Have you been cutting your own hair?

-Three seconds, already annoyed.

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And look at all this. You should have a bath, then get some air,

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have a lovely what I call walk.

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It IS a walk.

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-Mum...

-Sorry, won't interfere.

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-If she calls the remote controls a silly name...

-You'll have to show me how to work these.

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-Who needs three doobries?

-Right! That's it. Why's it so annoying? 20 seconds.

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Doobries!

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So, forget Monday, look, I'm starting now.

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Are you ready to speak to Heather?

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-Please go ahead.

-What have you done today to make you feel proud?

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-Heather, Miss Heather Small, hello to you.

-Hello.

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Today I have begun the new me.

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Mum and Tilly won't know what's hit them.

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I'm going to be the kind of woman who

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leaps out of bed and just does that, and their hair looks perfect.

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They then grab a home made muffin out of their Cath Kidston polka dot biscuit tin

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and head to work, wearing trainers at the bottom of a skirt suit to show off they've power walked in.

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They have pot plants that don't die on them.

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Their fruit bowl isn't full of three-week-old rotting pears because they actually eat the fruit.

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They have day bags, evening bags and a clutch.

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They just grab a wheatgerm smoothie in between work because that's enough

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to keep them going, even though at lunch they jogged, and enjoyed it,

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because they don't have flesh that moves independently to their main frame.

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And finally, they have easy access to pens to finish a crossword

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at a bar where the man they decided to take as a lover the night before

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says to them, "Hey, last night was great."

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You know, I'll be that kind of woman.

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-Yeah, good luck with that.

-Darling, I'm doing a whites wash,

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if your pants are dirty, pop them off, I'll pop them in.

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Right, well, that's not the best of starts.

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She'll have to go, but don't worry, the new me shall still reigneth.

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Look at her forming before your very eyes.

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Now excuse me, I'm off to have sushi with Tilly and Stinky and my new trinkety necklace.

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A cha cha cha, a cha ch cha.

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A cha cha cha. Ooh yeah!

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POSH ACCENT: Eight down.

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"Remove vehicles, reversing at back of depot."

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Oh, well that could be van...lorry.

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Hang on, I know this. I can so get this.

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-It's...

-Sub-tract, of course.

-Of course, of course.

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Right, let's eat. It all looks edible von guzzlebucket.

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-I'm starvington stations.

-Yup, Hungelos McMungelos.

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Stinky, do you remember the time that I got locked in the boot...

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-PHONE RINGS

-I'm sorry. Bear with, bear with, bear with...

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Oh, fabulasmic.

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VIP invite to scoffulate dans la cite.

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-So, Queen Kong, what news with you?

-Just focusing on my business.

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We do trinkets and nicknaks now.

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This is one of ours.

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Gorge, and are we lucksville in love?

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Actually, I did get a postcard from an old beau, Gary, this morning.

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PHONE RINGS

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Oh, bear with, bear with, bear with...

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"Call now for a new tariff breakdown."

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Oh, dear.

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Sounds like you've lost him to his travels.

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That's fine, because I'm totally... can I have it back? I'm so over him.

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-You're so not over him.

-I am.

-She's so not over him.

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I am. I'm a whole new me.

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Oh, no! I'm stuck.

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Sorry, sorry.

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-Just undo it at the back.

-I can't. I'm so sorry, sorry.

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Excuse me, I'm going to actually have to mount your travelator.

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Oh, Queen Kong, you're such a dweeb.

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Hello, afternoon.

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I've unhooked.

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Sorry about this, sorry, sorry.

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I'll just finish the circuit. Saves walking.

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-Utterly mortifying.

-Sorry about that. Can I...? Whilst I'm here.

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Hello again.

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Right, where were we?

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-Leaving.

-Quick.

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I could wolf a gateau but just a peppermint tea for me.

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Yah, I could scoffulate a puddington but just a skinny cap, please.

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I could inhale a mealy vanilly but, um...

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just a crumble, please.

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You still feeling bad about Gary?

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Can people stop asking me that? I'm fine.

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Good cos there's a new chef arriving any minute.

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-I was going to tell you.

-Really?

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Well, d'you know, that's good.

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Now I know Gary's not coming back.

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Good, gone are the days where I pathetically make an idiot of myself over some hunky chef.

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That must be him.

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MUSIC: Main Theme from Top Gun

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-Clive, can you switch that music off?

-Sorry.

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-Hi. Clive, is it?

-Yes, nice to meet you at last.

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-Girls.

-Hola.

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Hello.

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Why am I curtseying?

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I've just got to keep going now.

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How do you do?

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SHE FARTS

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Sorry.

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Sorry. That was my dog.

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-What was?

-That noise.

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-I thought that was a chair scraping.

-It was.

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Then what was your dog?

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I don't have a dog.

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-You said the noise was your dog.

-It might have been YOUR dog.

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-I don't have a dog.

-Well, stop saying you do.

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Right, so everyone, this is Danny.

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# I got chills, they're multiplying

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# And I'm losing control. #

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I always get Danny from Grease with the bike leathers, the accent.

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# You better shape up

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# Cos I need a man

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# And my heart is set on you

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# You're the one that I want, You're the one I want... #

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We've stopped.

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# The one I need, oh, yes, indeed. #

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Sorry, it's a weirdly hard tune to stop. # You're the one that I want... I'm off again.

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# Oo-oo-ooh, honey. #

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Look, there's a thing...

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Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie.

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-I'm with much news, which I shall now birth.

-Ready to receive, caller.

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A new chef has arrived at the restaurant who you could happily compare to some kind of god,

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and he would be very much in the running for the new me to take as her lover.

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But the new me is currently worse than the old me.

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-This is not possible.

-I farted in front of him,

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blamed it on an imaginary dog and sung in his face.

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I give up.

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-Maybe you should try that life coach again.

-No, thanks.

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Imagine your anxieties filling the balloon.

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My anxieties are everywhere. Save yourselves!

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Right, I'm going to start a spring clean, even though it is what I call, November.

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-And are you getting a new bed? We can't both sleep on the lilo.

-Maybe one of us should leave.

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Where would you go? Don't worry, if nude fondue doesn't make your father want me back

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then he'll be desperate for my kinky quiche.

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Do you want me to get you a bed?

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No, I'll get my own bed, thank you.

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-Don't forget your keys.

-I'm not six!

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I forgot my keys!

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Don't panic, we'll force her out, what does she hate?

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I don't know. I'm too depressed to think straight.

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Ghosts, she hates ghosts. But how could that work?

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Don't worry about me. I'll just be fine,

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I'll just...

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Yeah, this is nice.

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-If you like the bed, there's an offer, free duvet... It's 15 tog.

-Tog.

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It's a funny word, isn't it?

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Yes, suppose it is.

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Oh, those look fun.

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-All you'd need would be a ball pool to land in for mornings to be a total joy.

-Ball pool!

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-Yeah, they're great for kids.

-Yes, I wasn't thinking for me.

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I was, I was.

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-This is a nice one.

-Try it.

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I'll just help this gentleman.

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It's got a lovely rigid frame.

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-The bed, not the gentleman.

-Get off!

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-Excuse me, could you tell me what tog these duvets are?

-Oh, I don't...

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-Well, 15 tog.

-And do the beds come ready assembled?

-I have no idea.

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-Stop asking me questions.

-Well, there's no need for that attitude.

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Excuse me, are you the manager?

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-This woman has been quite rude.

-I'm not being...

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Don't argue with the customer. Must be the new girl. I'm so sorry, I'll sort this out myself.

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-Where's your name badge?

-Actually, there's been...

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This must be you.

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-I need...

-Don't argue back, I need you down the warehouse now, they're over-stretched.

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-But...

-Come on, hurry up!

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I think this has got a bit out of hand.

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So, have you got a boyfriend, Sandy?

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Sandy, that's me.

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I don't know.

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Does Sandy have a boyfriend? I'd know, wouldn't I, being Sandy?

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Does Sandy have a boyfriend?

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-No, she doesn't.

-Good.

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Cos we were all saying yesterday, we should, like, totally renounce men. Do you know what I'm saying?

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I do know what you're sayin', sounds great. I've caught her accent.

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Renouncing men... Bring it on, my sisters.

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Yeah, cos we don't need males. In't that right?

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In't that just right, though, innit? Yeah, I've had enough of men...innit.

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-That's it. Go, girl.

-Oh, do you want me to go?

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Oh, I see. Sorry, you go, girl. No, I go. Go me.

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Cos I'm saying to myself this, Sandy, I was saying, Sandy, you,

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my girl, will not be pushed around no more.

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-D'you know what I mean?

-I do, yes, because I just said it.

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What are you doing back here?

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-I'm Sandy.

-No, you're not.

-Says who?

-I do.

-Oh, do you now, you diddly doo?

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I've gone Irish.

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I think you should leave.

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Not before I show you the bed that I want, and at a staff discount.

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Never let them push you round, girls, yeah?

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-D'you get me?

-Go me. Go Sandy.

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Where have you been?

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I did a four-hour shift at the bed shop.

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But more importantly I have discovered my inner Sandy.

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-Yo, girlfriend.

-I already like Sandy.

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She's wicked. And she says, well I say, we, I, am renouncing men.

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I'm renouncing men. Amen.

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-A man.

-A man! Sorry.

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-I see. A man. Hello.

-Hi.

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Clive said you worked here? Nice shop.

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Thanks. Do you like my trinkets?

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Not a euphemism.

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I'm looking for someone to show me around.

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Clive also said you're the only single lady in town.

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Well, I'm also sing...

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-Yeah, that's me.

-Because you're renouncing men?

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-Ah, yes.

-OK. That's a shame.

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What are you doing? You can't renounce him!

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I can't suddenly un-renounce, he'll think I'm odd and confused.

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Which I am, but we must hide this.

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Sandy isn't odd and confused. Go get your Danny.

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-Oh! Sandy and Danny. And if you don't go for it, I'll whip out my allure.

-Don't even...

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-Now, I don't like getting a no.

-I'd say yes.

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Are you renouncing all men? What if I asked you out tonight?

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I would say, you are officially renounced but there is a clause

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in my renouncement that says this. If somebody is new to an area,

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and asks a woman out on the first night, the aforementioned woman

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mentioned heretofore is obliged, nay commanded, nay must accept.

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-That's a good clause. I like a headstrong, independent woman.

-Well, hello.

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My last girlfriend lived with her mom. Pretty freaky, huh?

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Miranda, I've washed your control pants.

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That should suck it all back in.

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-This is my cleaner.

-Well, excuse me.

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-(He's asking me out.)

-FOREIGN ACCENT: Well, hello,

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I am cleaner. Miss Penelopia.

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-And where are you from?

-Poland?

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And I was coming down because I needed polish.

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Imagine. I am Polish, and I forgot my polish.

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-OK, so I'll see you later. 6.30?

-Lovely.

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Ooooh!

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-Mum, make sure you're out of the flat tonight.

-Why because he might come back?

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He might! He might! OH, HE MIGHT!

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Hurry up, he's downstairs. I can't believe you slept all afternoon.

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I just meant to try my new bed. One size tights does not fit all.

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Oh, yes, I forgot to say.

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There's a massive goat in my sitting room and you just forgot to say.

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It's good, isn't it?

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You said your mum hates goats.

0:21:000:21:04

Ghosts.

0:21:050:21:07

I said ghosts. Who has any strong opinions on goats?

0:21:070:21:12

I did think it was odd.

0:21:140:21:16

And you didn't check before, how?

0:21:160:21:19

Don't worry, I am going out, I just bought a few more things to spruce...

0:21:190:21:23

GOAT BLEATS

0:21:230:21:25

Scary, isn't it? Grrr, a goat.

0:21:250:21:30

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello?

0:21:300:21:31

Quick!

0:21:310:21:33

Hello!

0:21:360:21:37

Hi. Are you all ready?

0:21:370:21:41

Yes. Let me just grab my clutch... clutch bag.

0:21:410:21:45

Good word, clutch. Isn't it?

0:21:470:21:49

Yeah, clutch.

0:21:490:21:52

-BLEATING

-What was that?

0:21:520:21:54

M-m-m-m-me, I'm so excited.

0:21:540:21:57

M-m-m-m-m! Shall we go?

0:21:570:22:00

W-w-w-w-wait for me-e-e-e!

0:22:040:22:07

# Tell me more, tell me more...! #

0:22:090:22:12

Wow, what a beautiful place.

0:22:120:22:14

Wow!

0:22:140:22:15

-Can I use your loo?

-It's through there.

0:22:150:22:19

Did you make these? What do you use?

0:22:220:22:25

Umm... Flour, food...

0:22:250:22:29

hobs...nobs.

0:22:300:22:32

-Nutmeg.

-Nutmeg.

0:22:320:22:35

OH!

0:22:350:22:37

I'm a nut for nutmeg.

0:22:370:22:39

-Mum, what are you doing here?

-Sorry. I didn't think he'd come back. Your father's changed the locks.

0:22:410:22:46

Not interested. Quick, get in the bedroom.

0:22:460:22:50

Hello. Do you want to take a seat?

0:22:520:22:56

-Drink?

-Scotch if you have one.

0:22:560:22:58

I have to say I think I got you all wrong.

0:22:580:23:03

-Use the nice tumblers.

-What?

0:23:030:23:07

Use the nice tumblers... I said to myself.

0:23:070:23:12

OK.

0:23:120:23:13

Get out!

0:23:130:23:15

-There you go.

-Thanks.

0:23:150:23:17

-I'm glad you came out tonight.

-Yes, me too.

0:23:170:23:21

One doesn't always feel in the mood to renounce, hence the unrenouncement clause.

0:23:280:23:34

Can I get another Scotch?

0:23:380:23:41

There you go.

0:23:410:23:43

Wow. You seem to have everything under control.

0:23:440:23:47

That's very sexy.

0:23:470:23:49

Sorry, I'll have to stop you there.

0:23:500:23:53

Oh, that's disappointing. You're quite something.

0:23:530:23:57

-So they say.

-Can I call you?

-Sure, you've got my number.

0:23:570:24:02

Ciao.

0:24:020:24:03

He is in my palm.

0:24:040:24:07

# It's raining men, hallelujah

0:24:080:24:11

# It's raining men, amen

0:24:110:24:15

# I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna let myself get

0:24:160:24:19

# Absolutely soaking wet

0:24:200:24:24

# It's raining men, hallelujah

0:24:240:24:27

# It's raining men... #

0:24:270:24:29

To mock or belittle, nine letters.

0:24:520:24:55

Disparage.

0:24:550:24:57

Who are you?

0:25:000:25:02

Hey. Last night was great.

0:25:030:25:05

I did it!

0:25:060:25:08

Not so much a dweeb now.

0:25:080:25:11

Although there was one thing that was missing.

0:25:110:25:14

Gary!

0:25:160:25:18

Hi.

0:25:190:25:20

Hello.

0:25:280:25:30

-Gary sent the postcard after he got there but it only just arrived.

-Sorry.

0:25:300:25:35

And now I'm feeling teary because I've been thinking about him for months. Why's he suddenly back?

0:25:350:25:41

I think he said he got the sack. Really?

0:25:410:25:43

-We need to find out his situation.

-Yes, but what do I do about...

0:25:430:25:46

-Listen, I've been let go. Gary's contract's still open.

-Gary's got his job back!

0:25:460:25:51

-But if I'm staying, I don't want this to be awkward.

-Awkward? This? Awkward?

0:25:510:25:56

Who's awkward? Funny word, awkward.

0:25:560:25:59

Something awkward about the word awkward.

0:26:000:26:03

Clutch!

0:26:040:26:06

No, sorry I'm cazh...

0:26:060:26:09

You're acting weird.

0:26:090:26:11

Ask Gary if he has a girlfriend.

0:26:110:26:14

So, what does your girlfriend think of you leaving Hong Kong?

0:26:140:26:17

-I don't have a girlfriend.

-Gary was telling me about this job in Birmingham.

0:26:170:26:22

-I might check it out if that's cool.

-Of course. This was only...

0:26:220:26:25

Ask if Gary's considered the jobs in Birmingham?

0:26:250:26:27

-Have you considered the joggers, that you might burn in them?

-Backfired.

0:26:270:26:32

I'd better go, I have a hunch I might have got in the middle of something here.

0:26:320:26:37

BOTH: Us? No, no we're just friends.

0:26:370:26:40

-He's only just got back from Hong Kong.

-Right.

0:26:400:26:43

Goodbye.

0:26:430:26:44

-So, things have changed a bit.

-It's just the new me.

0:26:490:26:54

Miranda, I think that goat ate your bunion insole.

0:26:540:26:59

Excuse me, we need to talk about the damage to this man's restaurant.

0:27:000:27:04

-That's her.

-I'm Sandy, stop impersonating me or I'll report you.

0:27:040:27:09

Kid's ball pool for Miranda?

0:27:090:27:12

Welcome back.

0:27:120:27:14

I think I preferred the old you anyway.

0:27:150:27:18

Come here.

0:27:180:27:20

-Ball pool?

-Yes. Follow me.

0:27:220:27:25

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