Before I Die Miranda

Hello, and may I say, you are looking lovely this evening.

Oh, thank you very much.

That was me assuming the compliment was returned. No?

Rude.

So, previously in my life, my mum drags me to her friend's...

posh name alert - Clemency Twisleton-Ott -

her party. Could have gone better.

I thought this was fruit, but I think this runch has got pum in it.

Darling, if you embarrass me...

Look at my canape accessories!

Formal occasions...urgh.

I hate it when you're introduced to someone and there's that awkward pause before conversation starts.

I never know what to say.

It's fine if you're introduced to people with lots to talk about...

This is Jane, she's head of the church roof campaign

AND lectures on Matisse in her spare time.

And this is Miranda...

This is Miranda.

I've got a pimple on my bottom that looks like a spaniel.

Do you want to see it?

You'd expect that to have been the worst social occasion of my week.

It wasn't. Chris and Alison, Gary's friends from the restaurant, invited me to their baby shower.

Even the notion!

-Booties, little booties!

-Aaah!

To go with the vesties - little vesties!

Wine-y, little wine-y!

Is no-one else drinking?

You really shouldn't if you're expecting.

I've got one thing to say to you.

SHE BURPS

Right, onwards with the show, my chums.

So, in conclusion, you have got to make your ones and sevens clearer.

Yes? One,

seven.

"Oh, sorry, what's that you're saying, Heather?"

"Miranda..."

-SHE SINGS

-# What have you done today to make you feel proud?

"Oh, she's done nothing but ruin our tax return with absolutely..."

-OK, I get it.

-Shush, please! Heather's still speaking.

"The only numbers Miranda's any good at are After Eights and 99s."

You are funny, Heather.

You're both ridiculous.

Right, has my new phone charged?

Oh, it's flashing.

Does that mean messages?

Oh, I've got two new messages.

-You never get any messages.

-I know. But I'm currently with message.

-VOICEMAIL:

-'It's all very sudden.

'So sorry to leave such sad news.

'The service is on the 5th at noon.

'Missenden Cemetery. Would mean so much if you could come.

'Take care, bye.'

That's...today. I didn't hear the beginning of the message.

Is it hash to replay on these?

'Message deleted.'

Oh! No, no, who's died?

'Next message.'

'Hi, it's your mother.

'The man in the chemist won't report you but recommends you see a gynae...'

What a face. Who died?

No... I don't know!

Someone has died, but I didn't hear the beginning of the message,

I don't know who it was from, and Mum's not picking up. Gary...

maybe Gary's died.

-Hi!

-Argh!

Is that you? Are you alive?

Oh, he's alive!

Oh, let me keep checking.

He's alive.

I made some muffins.

-What's going on?

-Someone's dead, don't know who, funeral in two hours.

I can't go, can I? Not when I don't know who's in the box.

It'll be like Deal Or No Deal, but with people.

-You've got to go.

-Yeah, you might want to pay respects to...

-whoever.

-No, you're right. OK, I'd better get ready.

-It's the grief.

-It's not grief, it's greed.

A savoury muffin?

LIFE is full of enough disappointments, Gary.

SAVOURY muffin?!

I don't know you anymore.

Mum? Mum?

-Thank goodness. I've been trying to get hold of you. Why didn't you call?

-I didn't want you here.

I was going to tell everyone you're in prison -

less embarrassing than having to admit you're still single.

Miranda, hi! Glad you got my message.

Georgina, right...

Come and sit with me.

Right, can I just ask...hang on.

Mum, Mum...

SHE MOUTHS: Who's in the box?

-SHE MOUTHS:

-Who's in what box?

Welcome to Missenden Chapel Of Rest.

Death is a time for sorrow, but it is also a time to give thanks.

So we're going to hear a few words

from some family members Georgina has chosen.

Beginning with Miranda.

We thought it would be nice.

Really? Does anyone else want to go first?

-Miranda!

-Right, OK.

Good.

Well, what can I say about this person?

Well, they're dead, obviously.

Otherwise they're in for a nasty shock when they wake up.

When I think of...

I think...

you!

Because, they were...you know... weren't they?

-He was.

-He! So he's male, dead and my relative.

Uncle Michael...

..loved him.

Cousin Stewart...

is here.

Hello! Hi to you. Great Uncle Jim...

..is dead. Brilliant!

No, HE was brilliant.

And I'm sure he's thankful you're all here in this sad, sad situation.

Don't sing. # Sad, sad situation,

# And it's getting More and more absurd

# It's sad, so sad,

# Why can't we talk it over?

# Well... # That would be tricky...

cos he's dead and in a box.

Sorry. No. Hit it.

ORGAN STARTS UP # What do I do to make you love me? #

Quick!

I really wanted to introduce you to that vicar - so dishy.

Please, I want to leave with a shred of dignity intact.

Oh, it was mortifying. I wish the ground could have swallowed me up.

-Better?

-Yeah, thank you.

-What happened?

-I fell in a grave.

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

-Gary, stop it!

-Sorry!

Seriously, it really freaked me out. If I die tomorrow, what have I achieved?

Excuse me, can I put these sponsorship forms on the bar?

-I've been asking all the shops in the street.

-Sure, what's it for?

I'm doing a parachute jump for charity.

"I'm doing a parachute jump for charity."

Show off.

Get out!

-Excuse me!

-Well, he's making me feel guilty.

You see, people DO things with their lives.

I mean, what will people say at my funeral?

Seriously, would I have a good eulogy?

Of course you would.

Oh, OK...

"Here lies Miranda. She was warm..."

"Very warm.

"Because she...

"carried that extra little bit of weight."

"She was a sweaty woman, but nice!"

"Sweaty but nice..."

is what you'd say at my funeral?

Oh, no - Chris and Alison...

They're sweet and really like you, OK?

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

BOTH: Hello!

-Did you want to...?

-Hang on, there's someone you haven't said hello to.

Say hello to baby.

You want me to say hello to the baby in your womb?

-BOTH:

-Press the intercom!

Said it at the same time!

Hello, baby.

-SHE PUTS ON BABY VOICE:

-Hello, Auntie Miranda!

-How lovely to meet you!

-Baby's speaking!

It's not the baby though, is it?

It's Alison!

Now Gary, we want a word with you.

We're too excited to wait to ask people.

Would you do us the honour of being godfather to baby?

Oh, wow! Guys, yes, of course.

-It would be a privilege.

-Oh, thank you.

-And godmother, Miranda...

-Oh, yes...

We want you to know you are very much in the running.

Oh, that's kind, isn't it?

In the running!

Well, we best be off. Anti-natal classes.

Two, three...

Oh, hi, guys, what are you doing?

Can't chat. Tilly's helping me to organise tomorrow's charity wine tasting

for the new wing of the local hospice. Must get on.

Charity vino taste-icles.

What? Mum, you could have asked me to help. Why Tilly?

Hello, Rudeulant! I am well known for my good deeds.

Sometimes people at work call me Mrs Dalai the La-la-lama.

Well, you know I also give myself freely to others.

Not sexually.

I mean, you know, doing good before I die, so yes, I'll help.

Planning meeting. Such fun.

First on the agenda is the sommelier.

He many not be able to come.

Oh! Major Disaster and his friend Colonel Cock-up.

I'll call him later but he might be stuck in what I call, Monte Carlo.

I think we all call it Monte Carlo.

Right, so Bunty has persuaded Prue Leith to rustle up some Amuse Bouches,

so we just need to write a list of the nibbles that we want.

Nibbles, always hard to manage I find.

-What about mini frittata?

-Oh, is she coming? Be nice to see her again.

No, mini frittata - it's a nibble.

Oh, sorry, I thought you meant a friend from school.

Miranda, I think it's best if you leave us to it.

You're thinking of Focaccia Pilkington.

Yes, you see, it IS confusing. Well, let me do something.

Miranda, this is a social occasion.

What's the first thing you do in a formal situation?

Easy. Find where the eats are coming from, intercept them, stash them.

You greet with a "such fun", a statement and a laugh.

Miranda, such fun! You'd never have guessed her pashmina was from M&S.

And the laugh this season is based on the song Poker Face by Lady GaGa.

# Can't read my Can't read my poker face.... #

SHE LAUGHS TO TUNE

There was one thing you could do.

"Queen Kong 'to do' list.

"Don't get chucked out and ruin it."

I haven't been chucked out of anywhere for three years.

Since last week! Look, I won't ruin it.

It's not like I go around punching vicars. I tell you what,

the hospice do visitor volunteering,

I'm going to put my name down right now for that.

That is the kind of charity people remember after you've gone.

Who's the loser now?

Clive, can you unhook my bag? I'm trying to sweep out.

Just give me the chair!

"And he saw her walk away and knew she was the woman for him."

Aaah! Right, well I better talk to someone else now, OK?

Because she's farted.

Hello! Would you like a visit?

My name's Miranda. And...

Oh, that's quite rude.

He's not dead, is he?

MAN SCREAMS

ALL SCREAM

Geriatric screaming dominoes!

# There'll be blue birds over... #

-Make it stop!

-You're rude, actually! OK, just relax.

I can see something that will cheer you right up!

What's going on here?

-Right that's it. You - out.

-Oh, what?

-Your fault.

-Kong Pants... You're not getting chucked out?

No, no. This is my boyfriend, we're seeing each other.

I think you should leave now.

I think you should leave now, tease.

Aah!

-Security!

-Oh, role play, yeah, kinky - that's what we're about.

I'll play fugitive.

Chase me!

No, not really!

Hello, Florence Nightingale, how did it go?

-Good, yeah... I think...

-You got chucked out, didn't you?

I got chucked out.

Meals on Wheels.

Could you pass that on to Miranda for me, please? I'm double parked.

There's also some brochures for her to look at. See you tomorrow.

These are for care homes?

And you've got a bus pass...

Oh, I see.

Born in 1914. But I was born in 1974.

See? I said your ones and sevens were incomprehensible.

They couldn't read your council tax form.

The council think I'm 96!

Ooh Heather, what a marvellous "I told you so" gift.

You'll have to ring the council.

Well, not before I've enjoyed my meal on a wheel.

Whenever I think of meals on wheels, I always think of little Yorkshire puddings on roller skates.

-But you're weird.

-You're weird.

-You're weird.

SHE SINGS # What have I done today? #

You're weird.

You're weird.

-You're weird.

-You're weird.

-You're weird.

-YOU'RE WEIRD!

You're weird. I won.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah fine, yeah.

Well, apart from the fact that I can't do good, won't have any kind of

eulogy, everyone thinks I'm hopeless, even Chris and Alison have only got me "in the running" for godmother.

-I'll ask Gary to put in a good word for you.

-No, don't worry.

No, but listen, you godmother, Gary, godfather! Nice!

-You'd share a god-daughter.

-Yeah, be like we're sort of god-married.

Then we could go on a goddy-moon.

-It's taking it too far.

-Taking what too far?

Um, Clive's taking it too far.

Um, he said to me, shall I take my dog for a walk to Prestatyn?

-And I said, no, that's taking it...

-BOTH: Too far.

So I'm just going to take him to Bristol instead.

-Good.

-Queen Kong, you been chucked out of anywhere recently?

SHE LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY

Excuse me, busy busy for le wine tasting, le wine tasting.

Well, no excuse me excuse me, because me too, me too, so am I, so am I, so I am.

I presume you are kiddingtons?

No, because,

the only chucking out I'll be doing is out of a plane for my charity parachute jump.

Yes, I'm going to register to jump 10,000, 10,000 feet?!

Ooh, whilst strapped to an instructor.

Bit of a bonus.

Will there be a parachute... Big enough?

No, seriously?

You can shove my parachute up your skinny amuse-bouche exit hole.

I would like to sweep out just once, Clive.

Thank you. ...Exit hole.

Sweeping, thank you.

Look at my sweep-ingtons.

Hi, is registration still open for the parachute jump?

Yes, just in time. Would you like to register?

No, I thought I'd come along, see if you're open, and then pop home again.

Oh, all right.

-Next!

-No, no, I was joking.

All right, um well there's a few details to fill out there.

There's some medical questions as well.

OK. Ooh, jumping out of a plane for charity. We could die happy tomorrow.

Statistically it's very unlikely that you'll actually die.

No, I wasn't saying that you'd die on the jump, I meant if we died, we'd feel good about ourselves.

I don't think you'd feel good plummeting to your death.

I'm not saying you'd feel good dying, I'm just, is he a little bit thick?

Little bit thick.

I'm just saying... It doesn't matter.

Right, are you or could you be pregnant?

Well, you know, I could be.

When did you last have intercourse?

Don't worry. I'm not pregnant.

-But it's for our insurance.

-I'm not.

-You said you might be.

-I'm really not.

-It's for our insurance.

-I haven't had sex for three years!

Good.

Right, I just need to see some ID.

Oh, I'm not sure I've got anything.

Bus pass.

It says here that you're 96.

Our insurance company doesn't insure people over 80.

Yes, but I'm obviously not 96.

That's not what it says here.

But I hope that's what it says here.

-How old are you?

-Late 20s.

-Specifically?

-35.

So, could you please tell the insurance I'm under 80?

We can't do it without ID, I'm afraid.

-Is that the instructor you get strapped to for the jump?

-Yeah.

Just out of interest, can you do that part without the ID?

You just want to do the training?

I just want to know if I could strap myself tightly to... Ooh, hello!

She hasn't had sex in three years.

I have never liked you.

Watch my sweep.

I'm going to give up doing good, it keeps back firing.

1974, yes. Someone misread the one.

Morning. We come bearing news.

Gary's been telling us about your good deeds.

And we can now reveal the person joining Gary as godparent will be...

-BOTH: Miranda!

-Oh, really? Ah, that's lovely.

And, there's something else.

We wanted the godmother to do the honour of being my birthing partner.

-We ran it past Gary.

-Ummm...

That's her excited voice.

No, well, hang on, what about Chris?

Well, you see we want a video of the birth.

-I want to be down the business end focussing on dilation.

-BOTH: Ooh, too much information!

How amazing to witness the cervix peeling open.

La, la, la, la, la...

# La, la, la... #

#La, la, la, la, la! #

Just a spot-o, Kylie.

Now normal "cervix" can be resumed.

No?

Oh, pressing down on bladder.

-Do you mind if I use your...

-Toilet, yes.

Oh, it's happened again, I've got an empathy wee coming.

-Gary, how could you sign me up to be birthing partner?

-Sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen.

I will not do it. I've got to get out of their lives.

-You can't just say you don't want to be godmother.

-They'd be mortified.

OK, well, I'll have to do bad, show they've made a wrong choice.

I thought you were doing good. That's why I suggested it.

Well, I will forgo any kind of eulogy to get away from peeling cervixes.

-Hello?

-Hello!

Well, we'd best be off. Come on, dumpling.

Before you go, I'm not sure you've made the right choice.

No, no, Miranda isn't fit to be a godmother.

She stole what she's wearing from a charity shop.

Yes.

Stealing is often a sign of low self-esteem.

In your case, that's understandable. But being a godmummy will help that.

When a woman has no chance of having a child herself...

We can give the gift of getting involved in another child's life.

So we'll meet you at the restaurant later, yes, to talk birthing plans.

I will have to do something intrinsically evil.

Mein Kampf.

Well, I'd be an unnaceptable godparent if I'm waiting for

-them at the restaurant, reading a whole load of Hitler.

-Shush!

Sorry.

Shush!

-I was just saying sorry.

-Shush!

-Right, you can put those...

-Shush!

No, you shush.

I was shushing you.

No, I do the shushing around here.

-Shush.

-It's the chair.

-Shush.

-It's my jacket.

Shush!

I can't move now.

SHE COUGHS LOUDLY

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Ooh, this is nice.

Ah, Danielle the Daisy Fairy.

That's more like it.

Lovely.

Oh, it's lovely.

-Excuse me?

-Hmm?

They're on this.

Right.

What's happening?

Oh! Oh, I see.

Right. OK. Hello.

So, chapter one...

"Limpy stuck his head out of the grass."

-Use the puppet.

-All right, bossy.

"And peered up and down the highway.

"He felt his..."

Oh, no, no.

She's going to be our own Mary Poppins.

No. I don't even like children.

I'm actually reading Mein Kampf to them.

So children, the master race, mmm, evil, where have they...

I think you should leave.

I blame you.

I just got caught reading Mein Kampf to children.

Well, that IS evil.

Chris and Alison didn't see though. I try and do good, I do bad.

I try bad, I do good. I wish I hadn't started it now.

You can't hear what people say at your funeral anyway.

-I'm so sorry for your loss.

-What?

-The council took Miranda off the meals on wheels list so that can only mean...

-Oh, yes.

Sad, but she had a wonderful life.

-She was a good woman. Wasn't she, Stevie?

-Ummm...

Yes, she was.

Miranda was a kind, considerate...

-Self-absorbed...

-Caring woman. Who only ever thought of...

-Herself.

-Others.

-She had an excellent...

-Appetite.

Sense of humour.

When she walked in to a room, it...

-Smelt.

-Lit up.

-Such was her...

-Wind.

Presence.

Her death is a total...

-Relief.

-Loss.

What a lovely eulogy.

Ah, thank you. Eulogy, tick.

Now I've just got to do evil for Chris and Alison and then cope with Mum's party.

I'm not being rude, but unlikely.

FAKE LAUGHTER

Didn't get it, covered it up.

-Hi, coping?

-Yes, not bad.

It's just a shame Mr and Mrs Empathy Wee are here.

I swear, if they say one more gross thing, I will do something drastic to get out of being god mother.

Miranda, let me introduce you to James the vicar.

Vicar!

You remember Miranda?

Yes.

It looks funny, a vicar with a glass of wine, looks a bit naughty.

-Do you swear? Say bollocks.

-I'd rather not.

-Oh, hello Chris.

-Ah, vicar. Hello.

James is the vicar doing our christening.

Miranda is Alison's birth partner, who in the traditional ceremony

we aim to replicate, is responsible for the burial of the placenta.

Aaah!

Right, that is it.

Mother, Father, forgive me, because I know exactly what I'm about to do.

Just punched a vicar, unprovoked.

-Evil.

-Did she just punch a vicar?

-You just punched a vicar.

-Just punched a vicar.

-I can't believe you punched a vicar.

-I just punched a vicar.

Unacceptable!

Queen Kong, all you had to do was not get chucked out and ruin it.

-I think you should leave.

-Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, I realised where we met.

-You read to my aunt in hospital before she died and we are so grateful.

-Oh, my pleasure.

Hang on, you're the woman who did the parachute jump. Oh, so brave.

I chickened out.

We should all look up to you, selflessly giving your time for others.

Well, one does one's best. A ha-ha!

Everyone, everyone.

This is Miranda, my daughter.

She does parachute jumps and volunteers at the local hospital.

Ah, the pleasure's all yours.

Hit it, Clive.

-MUSIC STARTS

-May I?

-You may!

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