The Perfect Christmas Miranda

Festive greetings all round. I'm getting into the spirit this year.

It'll be hard cos I'll be at my parents', where for three days they

will find things "fun" that aren't "fun" at any other time of the year,

and we'll be bound by Mum's Christmas organisational chart.

Happy face!

Darling, your father's here...

Ha-ha-ha!

Look, my fun tinsel tie.

Isn't that such fun?

Hang on, let me turn on my fun Christmas socks.

TINNY MUSIC

Kill me.

I wish I could stay at home. That might sound depressing,

but I've never denied how much fun I have living alone.

But there's a definite festive positive. I've made up with Gary, which is a relief for everyone.

Everything OK? Yes, fine. Yes.

Apart from the fact that you married someone for a green card, so have potato for hair...

Oh, Miranda...

I've got Gary a great gift this year so he'll know I've forgiven him. Done all my shopping online.

Delivery will arrive today. Genius.

Right, on with the merriment my chums. Cue festive titles.

# Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la

# 'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la... #

Happy Christmas Eve eve.

Happy Christmas Eve eve. Ooh.

Advent calendar. Ooh, can I?

Together?

Ah. Where's the chocolate?

Where's the chocolate?

Eaten on the first day of purchase.

Who can sit in a room day after day when there are little chocolates behind windows, not remove them,

eat them, then replace the windows like nothing ever happened? I can.

Because you're an actual and literal tiny little weirdo.

When you go to your parents', can you take my case?

Yeah. I've been thinking, I think I might try and get out of it.

# Fa la la la la la la la. #

I mean, wouldn't it be great to have Christmas exactly how we wanted it?

# Fa la la la la la la la. #

No Christmas chart, no sign reading,

"Please unwrap your presents neatly so I can iron the wrapping paper and save it for next year."

No constant weather reports from Dad.

No, I will have to try and get out of it.

Trouble is, Mum can pre-empt any excuse and will just talk straight over me.

Hmm, we'll be going then. Good, cos I can't wait to experience it.

Right, just going to open the shop. Oh, will you keep an eye out for my parcel?

It's all my presents. Cos I've got to nip to the doctors, cos, um,

well, have you ever had a rash on your breast?

I don't know what you're saying and I don't wish to know. Fine, OK.

MUM AND DAD: Ho, ho, ho!

Oh, no.

Hello, poppet. Stevie...

Suitcase!

Can't think where you get your clumsiness from.

Isn't it cold outside? Freezing, isn't it?

I hope not.

Because if that snow turns to slush, we'll get black ice.

Absolute death trap. I think we ought to head back pronto.

Plus I don't want to miss You've Been Framed.

Girls, I've chosen something for you for my Best Christmas Jumper Party tonight. Oh, Mum, don't.

Listen, about Christmas, Stevie and I... So we'll get the costumes and pick you up at the restaurant later.

We were thinking... We've got pink champagne. Told you, so annoying.

No, the thing is, Mum... You'll get sozzled, we'll decorate the tree. I've got great baubles,

and you can do the fairy. Such fun, such fun. Such fun, such fun! Don't do that. Mum! Mum!

Mum! Such fun! No, the thing is...about Christmas... Such fun, such fun! Nice try, poppet.

Suitcase. Coming.

"Such fun!"

Oh... # fffa la la la la la la la # off.

KNOCKING

Come in, sit down.

Wowzers.

Sorry? Nothing.

So, how can I help? Are you married? Shush.

Sorry, I actually thought I was getting a female doctor.

Ah, they said Doctor Gail. That's my surname.

Miranda Gail. Hmm?

What?

What? Sorry? Nothing.

So, are you happy with me?

Very.

Yes, it's just I'm actually here about a female part... but, um, it's all just anatomical to you, right?

Of course, of course, don't worry. So what's the problem?

Well, it's not really a problem, more of a feature.

You see, it's my right breast.

I've got a sort of rash on it,

and because the rash was on my breast I thought I better get it checked, you see.

No problem. Let's have a look.

Sure.

SHE WHISTLES

Well, I don't think that's anything to worry about.

Sorry.

Now, did you eat anything unusual and then notice it? Do you have any nut allergies?

I haven't been rubbing peanuts on my breasts.

I wasn't thinking...

Saying "I haven't rubbed peanuts on my breasts" sounds like I've rubbed peanuts on my breasts!

Well, if it doesn't settle down in a couple of days, or gets worse, come and see me again.

Great, OK, thank you so much, Doctor.

I'm sorry, just FYI, the other breast, completely normal.

A right bobby dazzler.

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie! Has my parcel arrived?

A depot card? "We tried to deliver, but you were out."

This is the smuggest piece of paper in the world.

Sorry, I had to close the shop for ten minutes just to clear customers.

I'm very hot and anxious, actually.

I'm like a mouse in a microwave.

Can you just get a grip, please, actually, because a depot card! All my presents. So annoying.

Hang on, they'll re-deliver Christmas Eve.

In your face. Nice.

RECORDED FEMALE VOICE: 'Welcome to UPD delivery.

'If you would like to arrange redelivery, press 1.

'Please state when you would like the package redelivered.'

Tuesday. 'Did you say...'

MAN'S VOICE: 'Monday?' No, who are you?

'I'm sorry, we couldn't identify.'

Tuesday.

'I'm sorry. Did you say...

'Thursday?'

Tuesday.

Tuesday.

I mean, I literally can't make it any clearer.

Tuesday. You've gone too posh now.

'When would you like the package redelivered?' Toosday, innit?

'Did you say... Tuesday?'

Yes. 'Please confirm, did you say...

'Tuesday.' YE-ES. If it can't understand that, what is the point?! Putting you through to an operator.

WOMAN: 'Hello, UPD Delivery, can I help you?'

Yes, hello, I've been put through, but I was doing voice recognition.

'Yes, that's all fine, your parcel will be delivered tomorrow between 8am and 7pm.'

And you can't specify a time?

'I'm afraid we can only give you a time...'

(MIMICKING) We can only give you a period of 8am to 7pm. OK, thank you!

Do you think they get trained in those phone voices?

Why is it you never meet anyone in real life who speaks like that? You always hear it at spas, don't you?

NASAL VOICE: Yeah. "So, you're here for a day package..." "Would you like any treatments?"

Imagine living with a voice like that. 'My husband doesn't mind.'

Oh, still there!

Mmm, I have missed your baking.

Right, and me? Have you missed me?

Er, nope, mainly been the cakes.

Of course I've missed you.

Come here.

Oh, are you two...

Just friends. Now listen, what time are your Mum and Dad coming to pick you up?

Any minute now. Tilly's in Mauritius, you're at yours, it's not fair.

I'm giving it one more shot to get out of it.

I can't face being irrationally irritated for three days.

Two-week bumper Radio Times.

Feel the heft of telly heaven.

What day is it? One never knows at Christmas. Thursday, I think.

Ah, but which Thursday?

It says Christmas Day at the top! 23rd, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day!

How clever of it. We have the same conversation every year!

"Feel the heft of telly heaven." "Which day is it?"

"One never knows at Christmas." "Which week?" It says Christmas Day!

And tonight at the jumper party I'll be surrounded by Mum's crazy posh friends.

Last year I heard one of them say, "I take a rubber band to parties,

"slip it round my glass, I'll easily spot it on a crowded table."

SILLY LAUGH

So annoying. And Mum'll be at her worst. Come on, she's not that bad.

# Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh

# O'er the fields we go

# Laughing all the way!

# Jingle bells, jingle... #

Isn't it thrilly bots?

Come on, Charles.

I haven't got excited yet,

but I'm sure it will hit me any moment.

Darling, we ought to be getting back,

because if the car temperature gauge is right, then that drizzle will turn to black ice.

Absolute death trap. Coat stand.

Mum, wait, listen. About Christmas, I've been thinking it's time I spent Christmas... Darling, darling...

I have been slaving for weeks on the Christmas chart.

I've bought enough food to last until January 19th because your father thinks we might get snowed in.

I haven't done that kind of panic-buy since Labour won the election in '97.

As of yesterday, the chart includes the perfect Boxing Day ramble,

and a root vegetable appendix section so, should I die, you'll know how to make parsnip soup.

(SOBBING) You don't realise what I do for this family.

OK, OK. Quick chop, then.

Wait, are you going out like that? No.

Yes!

Look - Velcro magic. Might try that on your father later.

Eugh!

Steady boy, steady.

# Dashing through the snow... #

Help me! Miranda! Coming! Bye.

Good luck.

Caroline has the spare, she'll be sharing with Minty.

Beaky's taking the fold down, and Louise wants the coach house,

which didn't suit Minty, who likes Freddie away from Caroline.

Well, you'll need another drink then.

Which one's yours? Oh.

So, what are your sleeping arrangements this year?

Well, Stevie's staying in the spare room, and as usual, Miranda's on the shelf.

Such fun!

I can't cope with this. Oh, hi, Dad. Hello, darling.

I have just been watching The Planet's Funniest Animals.

Hilarious. Now, this planet has some very funny animals.

And I'm privileged to have seen the absolute funniest.

Jennifer, you remember Miranda and her friend Stevie.

Of course. Nibble?

Ah, Jennifer, now, did you drive?

Yes. Well, you be very careful,

because if that slush freezes,

it will turn to... Black ice.

Absolute... Death trap.

Oh, Miranda, doesn't your mother have wonderful nibbles?

Not a euphemism, I hope.

You see, no wonder she's single. Talking of which, I must see if the hunk I invited has arrived.

Oh, no. Right, that is it.

I'm giving her three strikes and we're out of here. Seriously.

Oh, this'll help ease the pain.

We can't start it.

Remove top, remove icing! She'll never know.

Oh, yes, there he is. Miranda...

What are you doing? Red-labelled food items are for the big day only.

Oh! Lord, I've forgotten to marzipan my cake.

Someone hasn't done a Christmas chart.

I presume the nuts are all right to eat, are they?

Now look, darling, I've spied the man I want you to meet.

Come on, shoulders back, chest out, backside in the next room.

Miranda, Miranda, let me introduce you to... Doctor Gail.

Strike one.

Hello. Hello. I'll leave you to it.

Hello, sorry.

Well, this is a bit weird, isn't it? Do we have to pretend like this morning never happened?

It's a bit like we're having an affair.

We could have an affair.

Miranda, have you...

Ooh, hello.

Enchante. Je suis Stevie.

Bonsoir Stevie, joyeux Noelle and bonne annee.

Oui.

So, are you new to the area? Yes, I just moved here a couple of months ago from London.

In your TARDIS, Doctor?

SHE GIGGLES

Because you're a doctor, so I said your TARDIS...

GIGGLES

Do you see? Cos you're a doctor! Cos you're a doctor!

Why don't you just stop? I would've if I could've.

Is that a peanut in your breasts? No. Get off!

Now look what you've done.

I was about to switch on the allure and he would've come to mama.

Everybody, can I have your attention? Thank you.

It's time to announce the winner of the best Christmas jumper competition.

And, for the fourth year running, it's Robert.

Ah, yes, darling, actually, while you're there, why don't you give us a song?

Strike two. Oh, no, darling, I couldn't possibly.

GUESTS BEG

No, no, that is not what this...

Oh, all right, then.

# Good King Wenceslas looked out

# On the feast of Stephen

# There's Miranda laying about

# On the feast of Stephen

# Stuffing all the food she can

# From the feast of Stephen

# I won't take her for my wife

# Nor will I, said Ste-e-phen. #

# Strike three! # Right, that's it. We're out of here.

No, no, darling! Miranda...

Hi, listen, we escaped. Well done.

Well, our Christmas Day booking just cancelled.

Really? Well, actually, hang on, that's a good thing.

Hello? The four of us, at mine, a non-family Christmas?

No getting up early for church. No overcooked turkey.

No naked hide-and-seek.

Wow. OK. So, shall we do it? The perfect Christmas, at mine? Let's do it.

Yay! Brilliant, OK. And I've got great gifts arriving tomorrow.

Oh, you're notoriously bad at gifts. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.

Hi, tout le monde peepsicles.

Hi, Tilly, what are you doing here?

Oh, I decided not to go to Mauritius.

The parentals went but they asked Rups along, and so I thought negativos to that holibob.

Sorry, your ex-fiance has gone on "holibobs" with your parents?

Yup. Which is totally fine.

I'll just have a really quiet one.

Which is totally fine.

Could I get a massive Pinot?

Oh, bear with... Bear with...

Bear with.

Oh, they've landed safely.

And they're already on the beach. That's good.

Totally fine.

Spiffulent.

LAUGHS

Tears of joy, seriously, tears of joy.

Listen, Tilly, we're having Christmas at mine, just the four of us. Do you want to join?

No, as I said, Kong, totally fine.

Yes, Kong, yes, I do.

Oh, ace-icles.

Oh, OK. Great, right.

Well, tomorrow night, Christmas Eve sleepover, and let the festivities begin. I'm so excited...

# And I just can't hide it

# I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I want you, I want you. #

Isn't this jolly? I want you. OK...

"I'm sorry we can only specify 8am to 7pm for your delivery."

Mind you, I'd rather sit in for 11 hours than deal with Christmas Eve shopping hell. Enjoy.

Now, are you sure you're going to be OK, yes? You will make Heather proud?

# What have you done today? #

# Today! # Heather, I will have looked after the shop. I'll be fine. We're not busy.

We're not open yet.

Bye.

Ooh, my goodness. OK, hello, everybody.

Anyone from UPD delivery? No? OK, carry on. Would you like that gift wrapped?

Yes, please. You would. OK.

Really bad at gift wrapping.

Right, that's 14.99. Thank you, madam. Would you like that, um, gift wrapped?

You would? OK, right.

Oh, hang on, hang on, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, sir.

Are you from UPD delivery? No. You're not. OK, fine, as you were.

There you go, thank you. Next.

Excuse me, excuse me. Are you from UPD delivery? Oh, no, it's you, sorry, you were leaving. So sorry.

Getting in to a bit of a state!

Just have it, please. Have it. Take it. Next. Go. Thank you.

Are you from UPD... No, that's you leaving. Fine.

Are you from UPD?

No, browse, browse.

I thought you were UPD. You can't leave, carol singers.

I need to leave. Well, you can't.

Sorry, get down, get down. Hide.

Carol singers. Where are you going?

I said you can't leave.

Carol singers. We've got to hide. Get down.

I will not have my perfect Christmas ruined by standing awkwardly in front of a group of people

whose singing ability is inversely proportional to their enthusiasm.

OK, shush, stay there.

I said get down! Shush.

KNOCKING

SINGING IN DISTANCE

No!

Depot card!

# Ding dong merrily on high

# In heaven the bells are ringing

# Can you see a delivery guy behind you?

# Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-es, I can,

# But now he's driven off

# Yo-o-o-o-o-o-ou're a bit smug

# So this door might hit your noses

# Ple-e-e-ease can I leave, because you are scaring me? #

Hello.

Hello. All right, Stan? Don't look so glum, I'll be out in five years.

Because it's a bit like a prison divider. No? All right. As you wish.

You have a parcel for me.

Yeah, your parcel's not here. It takes 24 hours for the packages to be returned to the depot.

24 hours? Where does it...?

Where does it say that? It doesn't say that. Where does it say that? It says it there.

OK, fine. Could you please just check in case it's come back?

Next. Oh, now, come on, it's all my presents, Ray.

I've got a gift for Gary, and he doesn't believe I've got presents!

I know you don't know him, Ray, but that's not the point, is it?

Ooh, hasn't he got a lovely package?

How is that not funny, Ray?

It's a classic.

Sorry to rant. I'm just a little overexcited.

I'm spending Christmas with friends for the first time. I bet you've got lovely plans?

No, I'm on my own, my wife just left me.

Sorry.

Did she leave a card so you can collect her later?

Now, is the van likely to come back?

Yeah, the driver will be coming back cos it's my van, I was off work this morning, my hip...

Can I stop you there, Ray? And I'll tell you for why - I'm not interested.

Thank you. Now, can I wait for the van?

No, we're closing now. I'm closing. Goodbye.

No, Ray, that's not fair, it's Christmas. Can you actually... Get out, get out of there!

X Factor.

Conveyor belt of some kind.

No dancing prayer? No dancing prayer?! What's that?

Hey guys, when Stevie went to the loo, we had a look at her charade card.

'No Sex Please, We're British'.

We put it back and made a pact never to guess it.

It's very funny, and taking my mind off the depot debacle.

Oh, I know, I know, I know.

What's the second word again?

Pumping? Drilling?

Ski Sunday.

Dancercise. Hula hoop.

Hula hula hoop!

Titanic!

Have you really got no idea?

ALL: Er...No Sex Please, We're British!

That's hilarious.

That is quite hilarious, isn't it?

Right, is it time to wend our way to the kingdom of Beddybyes?

So, I have made up my room in to a guest room

with a futon on floor, and someone can share the sofa bed with me. Bagsy not me!

Why? Wind. Good luck, Gary.

Just go and brush my teeth.

OK, sure.

I know we're just friends, but it's so awkward sharing a bed.

Right, now, the question is, do I take my bra off?

Because then in the morning, there'll be two jellies sliding down a plate look.

That's the only trouble. No, I'd better put my bra on.

No, but then he'll see me wearing a bra in bed and that'd look odd.

No, I'm going no bra. And let's hope when I turn over I don't do the breast clap.

Right. OK, now.... Ooh! Morning breath.

Should I set an alarm at five and suck a mint? Maybe.

What happens if my pyjamas ride up...or down, cos they do that.

Right, stop panicking, take bra off and act casual.

Hello. Hi.

Wow.

So, um,

are you going to budge up?

I like being on the left.

Right, OK.

Ooh... Cold bed dance? Yep.

That's better.

This is going to be a great Christmas. And you know what?

Don't worry about a present, because I have the best present I could have - I've got my friend back.

Ah, really?

No! Where's my present, you bitch?

Night. Night.

BREAST CLAP

What was that?

It was a duck quacking.

A duck? Quacking, yeah.

Hey, happy Christmas! So who wants breakfast?

I might have a mince pie for breakfast. Why not? I'm going to save mine for the Queen's speech.

I might have mine instead of Xmas pudulant.

We can do exactly what we want. Oh, do we have to wear a hat?

No, you don't have to wear a hat. But also, you could wear a hat.

Welcome to Miranda-mas!

THEY HUM: "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday"

This is so great, I just love it!

This is going to be the perfect Christmas.

Release!

Gary, what are you doing? You're ruining the turkey.

You said you had a fan oven! If I don't cut it up, it won't cook! I need it on Chanel number four now!

Tilly, you're very selfish! I'm not a chef, am I? Obviously!

Can you keep it down, please?! Miranda, Clive just pulled my cracker!

Well, I am sure he didn't mean to. I did mean to. Clive Evans!

I'll pull my own cracker. I bet you're used to that.

Stevie Sutton! That's unacceptable.

Honestly. Gary, this is hopeless.

Stevie wants to eat at three, when Clive wants a walk,

everyone wants crackers at different times. Well, plan. Make a chart.

Don't! We might as well be at Mum's. Oh, yeah? And what's Christmas day like at your Mum's? Really good.

Stevie!

This isn't working, is it? No. Don't tell the others. Let's go to Mum's. Yes.

What's going on? Shhh. Don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's. Right, OK.

What's happening? Shush, don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's.

What are you doing? Shush. Don't tell the others, we're going to Mum's.

Why am I whispering? This is all of us.

Let's go.

O-o-o-o-o-h!

Oh!

MUM: Right,

Mr Turkey will be ready in half an hour.

Are you sure you've got enough for us all, Pen Pen? Of course! I knew Miranda would be back.

I have the perfect Christmas.

DOORBELL

Oh, oh. Lonely straggler alert.

Everybody, this is Ray,

Oh, no. Used to be our postman.

Hello, Ray. Hello.

Hope I'm not too late. Not at all, you said you'd be here between three and four.

And you couldn't you be more specific, Ray? Hang on, Ray, how's your hip?

Did you bring your van? Yes.

Could I have my parcel? All my presents!

Well, it's against protocol, but, uh...

Well, it'd be a pleasure. Ah, lovely Ray.

THEY SQUEAL

Oh, isn't this lovely! TOY: Ho, ho, ho!

ALL: Such fun.

Come on, everybody.

It's gorgeous, thank you.

Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas.

What a lovely ending.

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year

# Good tidings we bring

# To you and your king

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy new year.

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy new year

# Good tidings we bring

# To you and your king

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy new year! #