Just Act Normal Miranda


Just Act Normal

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Transcript


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Hello to you. For the eagle-eyed amongst you, you'll notice I'm not at home.

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I'm actually at a therapists' office. For those who said "about time", rude.

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No, I'm not here for a session, but, um...

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Well, I can't explain now. Sorry, I'm feeling a little bit anxious.

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I'm not sure I should have chosen the rocking chair.

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It's meant to be relaxing, but, um...

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if you get the wrong speed you look a bit manic.

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Right, let's all just calm down, shall we, and crack on with the show.

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That was a lovely loo.

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I do like a nice loo.

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-Lovely soap. Smell my hands.

-I don't want to smell your hands.

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-Smell them!

-Get off!

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He was on the phone.

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Should be here in a mo.

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WATER COOLER GLUGS

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Sounds like a fart in a bath.

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WATER RUNS

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Oh, oh, help!

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-The tap's stuck, quick.

-Oh, for goodness sake.

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Get me another cup!

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Get another one...

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-There aren't any more.

-Find a receptacle!

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Here we are.

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That's wicker. It's wicker. Fill that one up.

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Hold this. Drink that.

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I need to find a receptacle.

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Ooh... quick...

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I've found a receptacle. OK, right.

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Try and switch it off.

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-Right, done it...

-Oh, good. Oh, phew.

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Oh, I've got water in his case!

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Hello.

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You must be Dr Hopkins.

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-Good afternoon.

-Good afternoon.

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Sorry, I was just...

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drinking your briefcase.

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Um...

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Which might sound a little odd, it's just that I'd wet the floor.

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You know, I hadn't weed on it.

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Will you shut up? Sorry. Now I just want to say, that we're not here for a session.

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It was all a silly misunderstanding.

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There was a little what I call, incident, in which the police

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unnecessarily got involved. Long story, we won't bore you.

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But to stop Miranda being arrested and charged,

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I said she was one pashmina short of a wardrobe.

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-I'm not.

-She's not.

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But the police insisted we get an assessment from a psychiatrist.

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-That's you.

-That's you.

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They initially put me in touch with one on the NHS.

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Well, I said, I'm not going NHS, thank you very much.

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I mean, what are we, crack whores?

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So we just need to sit here for the session to tell them we've been.

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Can we sit anywhere?

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Wait, wait, Mum.

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There are so many chairs, it might be a psychological test which chair we plump for.

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Ooh, that's a good word 'plump'.

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Plump.

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It's a good word, isn't it? I was just saying.

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Plump.

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Just sit down.

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You have a lot o'chairs.

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Is this one of those ergonomic ones, is it?

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Up she goes...

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And down she blows.

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Oh, it's a lovely chair, isn't it?

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Hello.

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VASE PLAYS 'IN THE MOOD'

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Oh!

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Oh, it doesn't stop. It's one of those, you have to wait till it... sorry. I'll just have to let it go.

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Oh, such fun.

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MUSIC STOPS

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Oh, comes to a very sudden end.

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You made me look like a fool.

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For goodness sake, just act normal.

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It's nigh on impossible to act normal when you're trying to act normal. I'm so self conscious.

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I don't know how to sit.

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Hands on knees. Legs crossed?

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Legs apart?

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Sort of feel like I've got too many legs.

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-How is that normal?

-It's too hard.

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-Particularly when a psychiatrist is staring at us and not speaking.

-Hello again.

-Hello!

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Perhaps we should explain why we're here, in case you were thinking us a little what I call, odd.

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Simple story.

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You see I was at an ice cream van in a park, and this kid ran over

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my foot with his wheely trainer and I dropped my ice cream.

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She demanded that this little boy get her a new ice cream, and he exploded into tears just as this

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very charming man was jogging past...

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Anyway, the man stopped to see if everything was all right.

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And to explain why I was cross with this little boy, I told a little lie and said that I was his teacher.

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Anyway, suddenly the 29 other children from this boy's class appeared demanding ice creams.

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Which I had to get them because I was 'the teacher'.

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And then the man then jogged on.

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I said to Miranda, "Quick, jog after him, keep chatting. I'll get the ice creams."

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But I didn't follow him.

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No, she didn't jog after him, then the real teacher appeared

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wanting to know why I was buying 29 ice creams for children I'd never met.

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-So we ran, well, we galloped.

-We galloped.

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Cos it's fun, isn't it? It's fun to gallop. And the children followed us.

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The children followed, and then the teacher thought Miranda was trying to kidnap them.

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Unfortunately there was a policeman in the area who became very suspicious.

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Not helped by the fact that the ice cream van was following us because we forgot to pay for the ice creams.

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Anyway, cut a long story short, once the armed response team had been stood down,

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we had to go to the station, where I explained Miranda that was one stick of short of a lolly.

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Didn't take much convincing.

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They thought it was hereditary.

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So they let us off as long as we had an assessment.

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So, you see, we just need to sit here for the session.

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We don't need a, what I call, assessment.

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Well, it's also what I call an assessment, isn't it?

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We all call it an assessment.

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An assessment is an assessment.

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SHE SUCKS AIR THROUGH HER TEETH

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You'd call it an assessment if you ever spoke.

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Ooh, I like these.

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Hello, I'm the mammoth one.

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Hello, I'm the medium one.

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And buongiorno, I am the tiny one.

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Do you have a naval background? Ahar, me hearties.

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Aaaaagh!

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You are coming across nutty.

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I will not have him thinking that we have got problems.

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Look at him, poised to write in his pad. Just sit quietly.

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It's not for long. Act normal.

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-I was being normal.

-You were being a horse with a Russian doll.

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-I'm thirsty.

-Don't.

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Have some coffee.

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Ooh, it's a very confident jet, isn't it?

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Sort of a bit like a horse weeing.

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A horse has a very brazen wee, doesn't it?

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Sorry. Sorry.

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Sorry.

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So...

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Oooh, hot coffee! Hot coffee, ooh, that's really hot!

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Hot coffee in sensitive parts.

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And I hate a wet pant.

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I'm going to have to take my trousers off.

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I'm so sorry.

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I shall use this as a sarong if I may.

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That's quite an expensive silk mix throw.

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Well, a pair of tough titties to you, sir.

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I'm not wandering around in my pants.

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And if you say you'd rather that than me wearing your silk mix throw, then you are dirty.

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Hula hula hula!

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Cos of the sarong.

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So, Miranda. Question.

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# Tell me what you think about me... #

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Just a bit of Beyonce.

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Question.

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# Tell me what you think about this... #

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Sorry, that's quite hard not to do, actually.

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Interesting. You seem to be avoiding the question.

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-So, Miranda, do you often lie?

-No.

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I just did.

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You are so kind to show an interest, but there's nothing to discuss.

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We're only here so we can say that we've been. I'll pay you, of course.

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In fact, how much do you charge?

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It's £200.

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BOTH: £200?

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£200!

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£200?!

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Should have gone on the NHS.

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For £200 you should ask him why you mouth certain words.

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-Although usually you get them the wrong way round.

-What do you mean?

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Well, the other day at the surgery you said, "Wendy has been diagnosed OBESE." She heard.

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Well, you mouth words. Say sex.

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Sex... Psychiatrist present.

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So is there anything you'd like to talk about to make use of this time?

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No, no.

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Oh, no, no. We don't want to start talking about our childhoods.

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Particularly Miranda's. Such an ugly baby.

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Her father insisted we put the Babygros on upside down.

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Such fun.

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Do you want to talk about that, Miranda?

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No, no, don't want to talk childhood, "Oh, she got rid of my dog when I was 11." Although you did.

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Well, it kept pooing in the house.

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Only because you didn't let her out regularly for what I call pooportunities.

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-I could blame you for...

-Psychiatrist present.

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-What's the problem?

-I've got an awkward itch.

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I'm going to have to do a fast walk to get rid of it.

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That's got it! Sorry I was just having a little wander around.

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We get people in my shop who do a little circular walk like that. We like to call it the sweep browse.

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You know when you come in to a shop and you think "This isn't what I was expecting,

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"there's nothing here that I want, but I can't leave cos that would look rude."

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So I have to do this sort of, "Oh, that's nice."

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And then go. The sweep browse.

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Good word, browse.

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Browse. Yeah, she's a lovely word.

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See her as a female word.

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Thrust...

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Male word.

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The queen of all words of course, moist.

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The king of all words, plinth.

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Imagine a moist plinth.

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Oh, lovely.

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Do you think you could stop talking at some point?

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Yes. Easy.

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SHE HUMS

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No humming.

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SHE WHISTLES

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No whistling.

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No pretending you're singing at Wembley.

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What are you writing down? And about whom? Act normal!

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Stop saying that! I'm just standing here.

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Who does he think he is,

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thinking that we've got problems?

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-He's a complete ARSE.

-Wrong way round!

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Go and find out what he's written.

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Good idea. Cover me.

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Me! Me! Look at me! Me.

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# Me and my girl

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# Meant for each other

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# Sent for each other and liking it so... #

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# Me and my girl

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# No use pretending

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# We knew the ending a long time ago. #

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Just a bit of Noel Gay.

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I couldn't read it. It was in shorthand.

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Well, if you'd concentrated more at secretarial college.

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Oh, here we go. This is the kind of thing.

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-I didn't want to go to secretarial college.

-You can't be happy running a joke shop.

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Joke/gift. And yes, I am happy.

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35, running a joke shop...

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-Joke/gift!

-No wonder you can't get a man.

-I had a man. Nearly. Gary.

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But the idiot messed that up.

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I don't want to talk about him. I've moved on.

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-Is that true?

-Absolutely, yes.

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I don't think about him. Don't miss him. No.

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I mean, if you're asking me if I act out imaginary conversations with him

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using a painted plate on top of a mop, then no.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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-Come in.

-Talk of the devil.

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-What are you doing here?

-Sorry, Stevie told me you were here.

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Look, I know you are in the middle of something but I just couldn't wait to see you, Miranda.

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I can't handle it if you'll never forgive me. I can't get you out of my mind.

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I'm in love with you.

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-Miranda, will you...?

-Miranda?

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Hm? Sorry. Yes, no, don't think about him. Don't miss him.

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And my shop is enough of a career.

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-If you call wasting your life a career.

-What I call a waste of a life

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is you wasting your life worrying about me wasting my life!

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-I think we're making progress.

-We are not making progress!

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We don't need progress or a session.

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Act normal!

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Maybe it might help if you saw things from each other's perspective.

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Perhaps try a bit of role play.

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-Miranda as Penny, Penny as Miranda...

-Fine. Good idea.

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-Oh, hello, everybody.

-Haven't quite explained...

-Don't I look marvellous?

-Right.

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Look at me, please, I want be the centre of what I call attention.

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Now, gossip for you, Geoffrey Warburton has been paying for PROSTITUTES.

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Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah.

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This is talking without actually saying anything. Rah, rah, rah, ha ha ha ha,

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hair flick, hair flick, keeping up appearances, envy me, envy me.

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-I didn't just mean insulting each other.

-Well, hello, I'm Miranda.

-Oh, dear.

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I'm just going to waddle over here and waste more of my life.

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Ooh, you've got nice plums, as it very much were.

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Aren't I naughty?

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Oh, look there's Gary. Isn't he delicious, but not as delicious as this pie.

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-Excuse me, what was that walk?

-It's a lollop.

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-I do not lollop.

-You lollop. You are one of life's lollopers.

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You should be a lollopop lady.

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-Wait for it.

-Such fun.

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There it goes. Such fun! Have you met my daughter, Miranda?

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I have no respect for any of her life choices.

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I'm Miranda and although my mother has done

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everything possible to improve my life, I'm incredibly ungrateful.

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And very clumsy. Oh, look, here I go falling over again.

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Well, that was all very interesting.

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That is exactly what wasn't meant to happen. We've just got to sit here for a few more minutes.

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-He'll refer us for more sessions if we're not careful.

-Best behaviour.

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Is that real fruit?

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What do you mean?

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I mean, is that fruit real?

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I don't know how to make it any clearer.

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Is that fruit part of the £200?

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£200?!

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I suppose it is in a sense, yes.

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Oh, well in that case. Excuse me.

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Sorry, can I ask what you think you're doing?

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I'm playing a round of golf.

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It's funny because I'm not.

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-I'm just having a little picnic. Do you mind?

-Always been obsessed with food.

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I'm not obsessed with food.

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And this from the woman who, when mistaken for being pregnant,

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joined the local mothers-to-be group, because, and I quote, "They have free tea and biscuits

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"and people randomly feel my breasts. It's the best fun I've ever had."

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Mum, you're making me sound weird.

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You're the one sitting on a psychiatrist's floor having a picnic lunch at four in the afternoon.

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Fine. I'll shall eat it later.

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I might just have...

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a little bit of something.

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Actually that would be very...

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Can be a bit sticky, can't they?

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Oooh, nice equipment, if you pardon the, er...

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Ten-four, copy that, I'm on my way for the drop-off.

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-PA: Can I help with anything?

-Oh!

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Doctor, Mrs Hawtry is here.

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And is everything OK?

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Can I?

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Now listen here, we've taken Dr Hopkins as hostage.

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We need half a million pounds and if someone comes in this room, we'll blow their brains out.

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Hang on, did she say Mrs Hawtry?

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Excuse me. Hello?

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This is very important.

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Does Mrs Hawtry have a loud cardigan and a red gin nose?

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Umm...yes.

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That will be all.

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Mrs Hawtry is president of the parish mixed doubles.

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I cannot let her see me leaving a therapist's office.

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We'll have to climb out of the window at the end.

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I will not have it going around the tennis club that we've got issues.

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We don't. You've got issues.

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Excuse me, who was the one who presented three chocolate willies at the harvest festival?

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-Let's not start.

-Fine.

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Oh, no.

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I've sent the text I was going to send to Stevie about Mum, to Mum. Argh.

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PHONE BEEPS

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What are you doing?

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Oh, it's a text from you.

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"Stuck with Mum. Hell on earth.

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"Prepare many drinks."

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-Interesting.

-Doesn't mean anything, does it? Mothers are just annoying.

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For no real reason. "Oh, darling, you've bought a new coat." Annoying.

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You don't know why. I love you.

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Nothing personal.

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-So, Doctor, tell me, are you married?

-Annoyed again.

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-You're clearly asking on my behalf.

-I'm simply making conversation.

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-And he's a handsome man in a highly paid profession.

-I knew it. This is exactly the kind of thing...

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-No, no, I can explain. When you have a daughter who has never had boyfriends...

-I've had boyfriends.

0:22:340:22:38

How many times, being flashed at does not constitute a relationship.

0:22:380:22:43

-She needs a little bit of help.

-I do not need help, thank you.

0:22:470:22:51

The people you set me up with are ridiculous.

0:22:510:22:53

No offence, I don't mean you. You're lovely.

0:22:530:22:57

Just not in a "Mmmm, take me!" kind of a way.

0:22:570:23:01

Sorry. I'm sure lots of people look at you and go, "Mmmm, take me now!"

0:23:030:23:08

But I'm more kind of...hmm.

0:23:080:23:11

Sorry, I didn't mean... I mean the other people you try and set me up with.

0:23:110:23:15

-Now look what you've done.

-What I've done?

0:23:160:23:20

Nothing to worry about.

0:23:200:23:22

PHONE BEEPS

0:23:310:23:33

Oh, it's from you.

0:23:350:23:37

"He's a bit smug, isn't he?"

0:23:370:23:40

"He" being a friend of ours.

0:23:450:23:47

Japanese.

0:23:470:23:49

Our Japanese friend is a bit smug.

0:23:490:23:52

So you were just thinking about your friend He...

0:23:520:23:55

What's his surname?

0:23:550:23:58

-Oh, umm...

-He.

0:23:580:24:00

He?

0:24:000:24:01

He He.

0:24:010:24:03

He's a right laugh.

0:24:030:24:05

And I suddenly thought, "I must tell Miranda how smug He He is."

0:24:080:24:13

Right, but with slightly strange grammar.

0:24:130:24:16

That's how we say things.

0:24:160:24:17

Miranda's being a bit silly today, isn't Miranda?

0:24:170:24:21

As a random example. Good, that's settled.

0:24:210:24:24

As long as you're aware that I know you meant me, not your friend He He.

0:24:240:24:30

I don't know where you get these things from?

0:24:320:24:34

Do you need to see a therapist?

0:24:340:24:36

Are you always thinking people think you're smug behind your back?

0:24:360:24:40

-He's paranoid. Classic case. I'm going to write this down in my notepad.

-Me too.

0:24:400:24:46

In fact, role play.

0:24:460:24:47

-You sit here.

-Yes.

0:24:470:24:50

I'm sure that would help you a lot,

0:24:500:24:53

because you've clearly got some issues.

0:24:530:24:56

-Is this your father?

-Yes, it is.

0:25:020:25:04

-Interesting that you put it on your desk.

-Mmmm. Interesting.

-Mmmm.

0:25:040:25:08

-Interesting.

-Mmmmm.

-Mmmmm.

-Mmmmm.

0:25:080:25:11

I know what you're doing.

0:25:110:25:13

You're trying to put the focus on me

0:25:130:25:14

because you're panicking that you've revealed too much about yourselves.

0:25:140:25:19

You haven't got us pegged.

0:25:190:25:21

He's totally got us pegged.

0:25:210:25:25

Oh, hello. CD player on pause.

0:25:250:25:28

What have you been listening to?

0:25:280:25:30

Mmmm, interesting.

0:25:300:25:32

MUSIC: "Alone" by Heart

0:25:340:25:36

Oh! Now, this speaks volumes.

0:25:360:25:40

A love ballad, eh?

0:25:400:25:43

It's fun, isn't it? Shall I see what else they have?

0:25:590:26:01

-Of course, you learned to dance from me.

-No, I didn't.

0:26:050:26:09

-The only thing I get from you is a feeling of failure, guilt and very large feet.

-Where's this coming from?

0:26:090:26:15

And we tried to get you to swim competitively to make use of the natural flippers God gave you.

0:26:150:26:20

-No luck there either.

-Oh, I'm sorry I've been such a massive disappointment to you.

0:26:200:26:25

-Look, if you are going to eat, eat some fruit.

-Fatist.

0:26:250:26:30

She took me to Overeaters Anonymous once.

0:26:300:26:32

-Totally unnecessary.

-I can explain.

0:26:320:26:35

Belinda was showing off that Tilly had issues, so I said you did.

0:26:350:26:38

It seems that the lies we tell end up in a therapy session of one kind or another.

0:26:380:26:42

Both the occasions to which you refer were Miranda's problems.

0:26:420:26:45

Oh, and who gets me into these scrapes? You do!

0:26:450:26:48

You can pin all you want on me, but from what you've heard over last half an hour,

0:26:480:26:52

it doesn't take a genius to work out that Miranda's a bit odd, isn't Miranda?

0:26:520:26:56

THEY ARGUE

0:26:560:26:58

-Let me say a few things to you...

-Where do I get it from, do you think? It might be hereditary.

0:26:580:27:03

-Your father thinks...

-I know what he would say because he wouldn't want me to turn into... Jacuzzi!

0:27:030:27:08

We've got to get that notebook.

0:27:180:27:21

It doesn't look like shorthand now.

0:27:210:27:25

Follow me. Pincer movement.

0:27:250:27:26

We'll go commando.

0:27:260:27:28

Let's hope she doesn't really know what that means.

0:27:330:27:37

So, Anthony,

0:27:370:27:39

if I may...

0:27:390:27:40

SHE GIGGLES COYLY

0:27:400:27:42

What else do you have in your CD collection?

0:27:420:27:46

-Give me my pad back!

-Oh, I have it now. So, what does it say?

0:27:480:27:51

Dad...new toaster. Mum...garden knee pad.

0:27:510:27:55

Don't forget presents from the pets.

0:27:550:27:58

This is a Christmas list.

0:27:580:28:01

You drew a cat.

0:28:010:28:03

-That's the end of the session. Would you like to book another appointment?

-No!

0:28:050:28:08

What's this shorthand bit?

0:28:080:28:11

Just some initial thoughts at the top of the session.

0:28:110:28:13

Oh, what does it say - I can't wait to draw a kitten?

0:28:130:28:16

Well, actually it says...

0:28:160:28:19

Mother and daughter. Mother's protective instinct

0:28:190:28:22

has become dominating, fuelled by fear of how she is perceived by outer world.

0:28:220:28:26

Daughter seeks mother's guidance and approval as she has yet to find her own voice.

0:28:260:28:33

Absolute rubbish.

0:28:370:28:41

-I think he's nutty himself.

-Driven wholly by money.

0:28:410:28:43

-£200?!

-Obsessed with his father.

0:28:430:28:47

Only listens to love ballads.

0:28:470:28:48

Very odd. In fact, I think one more before we go, please, Doctor. Hit it.

0:28:480:28:52

Good idea.

0:28:520:28:54

MUSIC: "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen.

0:28:540:28:57

Everything all right? Someone thought there might be a hostage situation.

0:29:110:29:15

Hold on, it's you.

0:29:150:29:16

The ice-cream child-catcher lunatics.

0:29:160:29:19

It's her, she's mad.

0:29:190:29:21

# Crazy little thing called love

0:29:270:29:29

# There goes my baby

0:29:300:29:33

# She knows how to rock and roll

0:29:340:29:36

# She drives me crazy

0:29:360:29:39

# She gives me hot and cold fevers

0:29:390:29:42

# She leaves me in

0:29:420:29:44

# A cold, cold sweat. #

0:29:440:29:46

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