A New Low Miranda

Hello to you! Come on, settle down. You, coming in with your cup of tea, you're late.

Obviously I can't see you, but if you WERE coming in with a cup of tea

then, spooky/exciting moment!

So, previously in my life,

it became obvious why I have an element of the prude about me.

Mum? Dad? Listen, I wondered if I could borrow that...

Urgh, my eyes!

Sorry, darling. Tuesday nights are now naughty knitting nights.

Such fun.

Not fun!

What else? Oh, yes, I've got a new friend.

Tamara, she's waitressing at the restaurant.

She's only 22, but I keep up pretty well. Oh yeah.

Oh, Tamara, I think you've put a sausage roll in the scotch egg tub.

Doesn't matter. Go with the flow.

Hey, let's roll down the hill.

Right, OK. Crazy, the mind of the youth.

I don't like it, I don't, that is horrible. Why would you do that?

And Gary and I haven't talked

since he suggested we have, um, (sex).

But I'm not bothered, no, cos I have a very exciting and fulfilling home life.

Oh, yeah, I mean, last night was crazy.

See? Good times. Right, let's jolly on with the show.

What are you doing?

MIRANDA GASPS

Youths!

Look at them, they're like a pack of be-shellsuited hyenas.

-Hyenae.

-Hyenae, I bet they don't even care about Latin plurals.

Well, don't start speaking in Latin plurals.

I won't. I hope not to engage with them at all.

THEY GASP

-Oh, no!

-Right. Don't let them smell our fear. Just act casual.

THEY HUM THE ARCHERS THEME

Why are we singing The Archer's theme tune?

Let me get this, innit? Man here wants it for his yat. D'you get me?

Absolutely, yeah, totally.

I like your mask.

Is it a Halloween one?

THEY LAUGH

That's so funny.

No, but for real though.

-You're kind of trim for a teabag, though. Do you know what I mean?

-Yes!

No!

-Phew.

-How pathetic.

We are grown women.

Well, one of us has grown. Tiny!

Right, I'm off to the restaurant.

-Off to meet Tamara, are we?

-What do you mean, "are we"?

I'm just off to meet Tamara for a coffee.

Going for a coffee with Tamara, are we?

She's just as much my friend.

No, she's not, because I was the one who made friends with her.

You're a friend of a friend. Friend-ish. Friendoid.

Well, I'm not competing.

Oh, whatever. Yeah? You're jealous cos I've someone else to have fun with.

Well, I have more fun with Tamara.

On my fun scale, she's 85%, you are just 40.

40?! Who invented Cake Soup and Roulade Roulette?

I'll tell you who, Captain Fun Times.

Well, did I, or did I not, invent Talk Like Duncan Bannatyne Day?

Boring. Very boring game.

The game that you love, is my game: Where's Miranda?

Found her!

Opening the door, are we?

Putting "are we" after a fact does not make it an insult.

-What are you doing?

-Just taking an early lunch break to meet my friend.

-My friend.

-My friend.

-My friend.

-My friend.

Ooh, wearing our coat from Gap for Kids, are we?

It does work.

Excuse me, I'm first... THEY SQUABBLE

Hi, Clive. Is Tamara here?

She's buying milk. I'd say she won't be long, but she's probably skiving again.

It's all finished. Just a loose wing nut.

BOTH: Phwoar!

Just needed a bit of muscle, that's all, know what I mean?

Cheers. Yeah, I thought it was probably the wing nut.

Here you go, mate. There's a score.

-Cheers, mate. Be lucky.

-All right, son.

-What?

-You just tried to get all builder alpha male.

What do you mean "tried to"? I'm alpha male.

Ryan! Ryan! Excuse me.

Just add a bit of parsley.

"Just add a bit of parsley".

All right!

Oooh!

Miranda, can we...?

-So have you thought any more about us...?

-What?

The "us spending the night together"

thingimyjig? A bit.

I've literally thought of nothing else.

Great. I still really want to give us a chance,

so I wondered if you might want to go on another date this week?

-Yeah. Great.

-Great.

-So I'm alpha male enough for you, then?

-You, alpha male?!

Sorry, sorry.

Tamara!

-Tamara!

-Tamara, Tamara...

# We love you, Tamara

# You're only a day away. #

Oh, what a lovely welcome. Hey, girls.

I'll put the milk in the fridge, then, shall I?

I thought you said she was a good waitress in Hong Kong.

Give it a rest.

So, I've just been handed this leaflet for an art class, for painting, from tonight.

Thought maybe it's fate. You up for it?

-Yeah, sure.

-Yeah, wicked, yeah.

-I've always liked art. Do you like Botticelli?

-Oh, amazing.

-Amazing.

-You don't know what Botticelli is.

-Yes, I do. It's an ice cream.

Yes, obviously that was a joke.

So... Botticelli is?

Um...

A painter.

When did he paint?

He painted in...

HE MOUTHS

SHE MANGLES THE WORDS

HE MOUTHS

He painted in...the renAI-ssance!

I've always said it like that.

And what kind of paintings?

Big ones...

-specialising in...

-HE MOUTHS

Oooh...

Nuu...

Nuuudes.

He painted nuuudes in the RenAI-ssance.

Yeah, so count ME in, yeah.

Great. I'll get some drinks.

"Nuuuddes"? Being an idiot, are we?

-Slapping me, are we?

-Ow!

-No, you hit me first.

Stop it! Oi! Oh, hi, Tamara.

Coming down the stairs, are we?

Sitting behind the till, are we?

Using the "are we", are we?

Hi, darling. Hi, Stevie, how are you?

-Well, I'm all right...

-Oh, good.

Now... Look what your hip mother has got herself.

A portable phone.

It's a mo-bile. Only 20 years behind.

I wasn't going to get one on principle, but your father insisted.

He said saucy text messages were all the rage.

I thought being rude on the phone meant working for BT.

Now listen, Phyllida's cousin, Julian Langtuttington, single,

is arranging a vegan barbecue. I mean, what is the point?

What are they going to do, grill a bread roll?

But then again Julian is a little bit...

SHE MOUTHS

He thought pot pourri was a tropical disease.

I think he needs...

SHE MOUTHS

-No, you see, all I'm seeing is...

-SHE MOUTHS

FULL-TIME CARE!

All right!

Phyllida's going to text me the details.

-You should've asked, I could've been busy.

-THEY LAUGH

-PHONE BEEPS

-Ooh!

A text!

Oh, bear with, bear with.

Such fun.

Oh, just wear your glasses.

It's bad for your eyes to strain.

I think glasses look very elegant on an older woman.

-Older woman?

-A mature lady. A woman of your age.

And what age would that be?

Oh, um...

Scared!

Six... Fifty-ni...

eigh...

sev...fifty-si...fou...

49?

Very elegant.

As long as you don't wear them on a chain, cos that can make you look very old.

What do you mean by very old?

She keeps walking in to it.

Old, you know, when you're like six...

Ooh!

Over a hundred, like your 120s.

Right.

-So darling, tonight, at...

-Oh, I can't tonight, I've got plans.

-What?

-An art class. I do things!

Miranda, the last time you went out after nine o'clock was when you forgot to put the bins out!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, ha-ha-ha(!)

Excuse me, I have a life.

You do know staying in with fruit friends doesn't count?

I do not do that.

# It's a shame we never listen

# I told you through the television

# And all that went away was the price we paid. #

Yeah, Gordon.

Hello, everybody, welcome to the class.

We'll be together for SIX SESSIONS! Twice weekly, for THREE WEEKS!

Focusing on STILL LIFE!

Hope it's not food. I'll just want to EAT IT!

Stop it.

I'm just sharing a joke with MY friend, Tamara.

Tonight we start with LIFE DRAWING.

This is Johnny, our life model tonight.

And don't forget "Little Johnny." That's inappropriate.

So, tomorrow night, we'll be doing the female form.

Unfortunately our regular model is UNWELL,

so if anyone would like to volunteer,

please do give me a call in the morning.

I life modelled once. So freeing.

Tamara, that is really brave.

It's good to cross personal boundaries.

Excuse me, this is a personal conversation.

Miranda very much stays in her comfort zone.

That is absolutely not the case.

Only last week, I had savoury, moved to sweet,

then switched back to savoury.

With your nudity issues,

seeing a naked man is out of your comfort zone.

I am fine with nudity.

He moved, it moved!

Who said that?

That it so childish.

What?

Hey, crazy ladies...

listen, shall we go out?

-When?

-Tonight.

-What?

But we are out.

Let's go out-out. To a club.

Now?!

But it's nearly nine.

Four words - Rush. Home. For...

Poirot.

I'm up for going out-out.

Miranda's always very in-in.

-Great, so shall I meet you at the restaurant at 11?

-11?!

Yeah, I'm up for it. Absolutely, yeah.

See you there, dudes!

Gary, listen, I need your help. I've got to stay awake...

See? Chefs can't be manly.

-You're so sweet.

-Please don't call me sweet.

Sorry. I need coffee and something sugary.

I am going out-out with Tamara.

You seem obsessed with Tamara at the moment. Pavlova OK?

There's no need to cut that.

Thanks. I'm not obsessed with her.

No, she's keeping me young. Plus Stevie thinks she's a better friend.

Not one of your stupid competitions again.

OK. First one to pop all their bubbles.

On your marks, get set... go!

Do you ever feel old at 35? It's a weird in-between age if you're single, cos most people...

Are you still single?

I hoped you were off the market.

Yeah?

Yeah, cos I was going to book a room at that new spa hotel for us.

-If that's OK?

-It is.

-Great.

-I'll go and give them a call.

-OK.

I could do a little weep of joy.

Drooling over Gary, are we?

Mutton dressed as lamb, are we?

Are you ready to party?

Yeah, I'm getting a bit of a high.

-Cool, what have you taken?

-Pavlova.

-Let's go!

-OK!

# I'm sick and tired of my phone ri-ringing! #

I can't believe the club closed at 2:30!

-SHE GASPS

-More music!

Help me, I'm so tired.

Where do you go if you want to party till dawn?

Come on, let's see the sun rise.

This town is so lame. But it must be cool here when you're middle-aged.

BOTH: When you're what now, please?

Aren't you mid-40s? Oh, it doesn't matter, does it?

It does a bit!

-Middle-aged?!

-Mid-40s?!

We'll show her. Oh, hide your Midsomer Murder DVDs.

-Werthers, knitting.

-Quick!

-We're not sleeping till she sleeps. Deal?

-Deal.

Foe no more, friend for sure.

Love you!

This is one of Gary's favourite songs...

Right, come on, funk down. Show her our stuff.

-Time?

-3:15.

-OK. Cola.

Energy drink.

-Coffee. OK.

-Come on, girls...

Make over.

Go on without me, save yourself.

You can do this.

I love this game!

Come on!

-More coffee!

-Yes!

-Come on.

-Yes. Yes, coffee, quickly.

ALARM CLOCKS RING

Its 9am! Too late for sleep!

Let's go swimming!

Come on.

I thought there was another step but they've finished, I hate that.

I'll get my costume and meet you back here.

I find a swim is often better than a sleep. Don't you?

Yes.

No!

Hey, and let's go shopping later.

Shopping?!

Get up!

-We can do this!

-I will not be defeated.

We are young. Are you still with me?

I'm with you.

All right, ladies.

So, Miranda, you wanted to go to a hotel?

I've booked a room.

So come to my bar later and I'll take you there in my transit.

-Alpha male enough for you?

-Yes...

-Yay!

-You're ruining it.

Sorry. All right, all right. See you later, see you later, sweet cheeks.

Ooh, somebody's just been woo-ed.

That was one hell of a woo.

100 woo points to him.

Welcome to Woo Central.

It's woo-nderful.

You've woo-uined it.

Stevie, it's actually happening with him. I feel teary again.

Are you ready? I'll go get changed then.

I'll meet you at the swimming pool.

Swimming! I can't, I'll be too tired for tonight.

You can do this, or do you want everyone to think

you're so old before your time you've joined the National Trust just for the gift shops?

You'll turn in to an even posher version of your what-I-call-mother

and whenever you taste a cake you'll say...

Ooh, good lord, that's moist.

That's an excellent point, Stevie. Agh!

That's an excellent point. Right.

Right, this is the plan. You go swimming.

Then I'll take over and go shopping. She won't know we're sleeping between shifts.

Between us, we'll make an excellent 20-something.

The stop of us will be un-twoable.

No. Many lights make hands work.

Come on!

Right, swimming things...

You can do this.

# You've got to search for the hero inside yourself! #

-Wake up!

-Ooh! What am I doing here?

-Swimming things.

-Swimming things! Right.

What am I doing in here? Swimming things!

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

Can I help you at all, madam?

Should have changed at home. Fine with it.

-I'll see you in there.

-Great, yeah.

Can't wait. Won't be long.

(Why, why would you?!)

Tit in eye.

And dignity intact.

I have a massive problem with nudity.

No! Did you keep up with her?

Yes.

-Are you OK?

-Fine.

-Right, OK, focus, I need your help.

Because art class, changing room,

I'm all cringed out and if I'm going to be wooed tonight, Stevie,

I've got to find a way to claim nakedity.

OK, calm. You just need to normalise it, OK?

The next person who walks through that door,

just imagine they're naked.

Agh!

Charming.

-Darling, Phyllida has changed the barbecue to tonight, so you can come...

-I can't do tonight either.

-PHONE BEEPS

-Woo! A text! Bear with, bear with.

Um... Can you read that for me?

Oh, yeah. It's Dad. "Heading home, terrible golf game,

"come and join me in the bath for a hole in one,

"I want to show you my loofah." Urgh!

You've got to wear your glasses!

I've got a bath to go to.

Urgh!

I'm sort of officially cringed-out.

It's like I've eaten cotton wool.

OK, this can't go wrong with Gary tonight, Stevie, because this is it with him, this is our moment.

The night when dos become uno.

Oh, I've had an idea.

It's quite out there. Yes.

I'm going to ring and say I want to be the life model for the art class.

Well, if I can get naked with a bunch strangers,

there'll be no shyness tonight. I will have claimed my nude-nicity.

Go for it. You've got to love your body, I do. Mine, not yours.

If I had to rate myself... Hips, ten, thighs, ten, breasts, ten.

Sounds like one of my KFC orders.

Good evening, everybody. This is Miranda, our model for TONIGHT!

We're very excited, very Rubenesque.

-You'll see we have curves, contours, undulations...

-Undulations.

I'm a woman, not a B road.

And because of her height,

she has an excellent sweep.

Thank you very much.

Keep your eye out for Sooty.

Sounded wrong.

If you want to disrobe and make yourself comfortable.

Right. Um, OK.

No. I can do this.

Excuse me.

I did it!

Well done.

Rude.

So, are you taking this Rubenesque beauty out tonight or what? I have never been more ready.

Wow. Well, yes, I am.

# Let's get it on... #

BOTH: Ooh.

Ooh, I'm so sorry, sir!

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Wow, you are... Give me a minute, I'll go and get my things.

-OK.

Clive! I'm knocking off early.

Here you are. How was it?

She was ace. I think it's one of my best paintings.

Well, when you've got an excellent nuuude.

-Tamara, I asked you to clear that table.

-Oh, yeah, sorry Clive.

One sec. So, this band is doing a 24-hour gig,

dawn till dawn. Want to come?

Dawn? I can't go on.

My name's Miranda and my idea of a big night

is a getting through a giant Toblerone with an omnibus of Countryfile.

Yeah, I know, it is lovely. And the only reason I'd be up at dawn is if I woke up needing the loo.

My name's Stevie and it's my ambition is to grow vegetables and make my own ratatouille.

-Oh, that's lovely.

-I know.

-A kitchen garden.

-We're very old.

-What's ratatouille?

-You don't need to know that yet, all in good time.

Consider us, your Auntie Miranda and your Auntie Stevie.

-Are you still gossiping?

-Sorry.

Right, that's it, you're fired.

Sorry, Gary, but you only employed her cos she's your wife or whatever the set up is...

I didn't say anything.

No, you did, you said "she's your wife."

Who's his wife?

Is Tamara your wife?

No. Not really.

Technically, she's my wife.

What?!

Doesn't matter. I'll explain on the way to the hotel.

Oh, my... Are you two together?

Tamara's your wife?!

-Were you eloping?

-Clive, shush.

-Clive...

-Married to Gary, are we?

-Miranda, I can explain.

-No, no. Gary, I don't know what to say.

CD PLAYER: # You say it best when you say nothing at all. #

-Can you switch that off, please?

-Sorry.

I was trying to do an angry rant to storm out to and..

I did a life class... Oh, forget it!

Miranda!

Sorry, what do you mean you're married?

She's a friend from Hong Kong and for a pass to study here I said I'd do the green card thing for a visa.

I know I'm an idiot. But I owed her massive favour.

Come on, it's not like I'm still sleeping with her.

Still? Gary, still?

Sorry, sorry...

It was a while ago, it was when I was travelling. Just a fling.

And you let me become friends with her.

You knew what a big deal this was for me, but you obviously don't feel the same, do you?

If you really cared, you wouldn't keep such a massive secret.

Taking me to a hotel room wasn't another romantic gesture, was it?

It was just going to be a meaningless fling, only this one won't end in marriage!

Now, THAT was quite GOOD!

But I've stormed out of my own flat!

KNOCK ON DOOR

You get out.

Come on, let's talk, please.

I only didn't tell you because I knew you'd overreact.

-Overreact?!

-It doesn't mean anything, it was a favour for a friend.

So you've done everything perfectly in your life, have you?

That is not the point, I can't talk about this now!

Can you get out the way so I can slam the door?

No! You're meant to be on the other side!

We can't even do arguing properly!

-Ow!

-Oh, a real man wouldn't have felt that!

Oh!

I'm so tired but I'm too angry and upset to go to sleep.

CD PLAYER: # Didn't we almost have it all? #

How long have you been hovering over that play button?

40 minutes.

Morning.

Morning.

Oh, yes they do a lovely breakfast here.

Comes with egg, two sausage and a green card!

Miranda, can we talk, please?

Listen, please tell me we can move on from this?

Yes, I do want to move on from this.

Really?

Thank you, thank you.

Listen, Tamara's gone. She thought it'd be best to get out of the way.

-I only didn't tell you because...

-No, Gary wait...

I want to move on from you, us.

I never really know what you really want

and when I finally thought that you knew, there was this massive lie.

And I can't handle it.

You know? So, you'll never get to see my naked sweep.

Sorry.

Clive, what is this?

-Tamara left it for the restaurant. An apology gift.

-Wow.

So that's your naked sweep.

Oh, no! Gary, don't look! Don't! No!

What's everyone doing here?

Nobody look.

Well, this is a new low.

SHE SCREAMS

Nice undulations.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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