A New Low Miranda


A New Low

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Transcript


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Hello to you! Come on, settle down. You, coming in with your cup of tea, you're late.

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Obviously I can't see you, but if you WERE coming in with a cup of tea

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then, spooky/exciting moment!

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So, previously in my life,

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it became obvious why I have an element of the prude about me.

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Mum? Dad? Listen, I wondered if I could borrow that...

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Urgh, my eyes!

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Sorry, darling. Tuesday nights are now naughty knitting nights.

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Such fun.

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Not fun!

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What else? Oh, yes, I've got a new friend.

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Tamara, she's waitressing at the restaurant.

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She's only 22, but I keep up pretty well. Oh yeah.

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Oh, Tamara, I think you've put a sausage roll in the scotch egg tub.

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Doesn't matter. Go with the flow.

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Hey, let's roll down the hill.

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Right, OK. Crazy, the mind of the youth.

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I don't like it, I don't, that is horrible. Why would you do that?

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And Gary and I haven't talked

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since he suggested we have, um, (sex).

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But I'm not bothered, no, cos I have a very exciting and fulfilling home life.

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Oh, yeah, I mean, last night was crazy.

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See? Good times. Right, let's jolly on with the show.

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What are you doing?

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MIRANDA GASPS

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Youths!

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Look at them, they're like a pack of be-shellsuited hyenas.

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-Hyenae.

-Hyenae, I bet they don't even care about Latin plurals.

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Well, don't start speaking in Latin plurals.

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I won't. I hope not to engage with them at all.

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THEY GASP

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-Oh, no!

-Right. Don't let them smell our fear. Just act casual.

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THEY HUM THE ARCHERS THEME

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Why are we singing The Archer's theme tune?

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Let me get this, innit? Man here wants it for his yat. D'you get me?

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Absolutely, yeah, totally.

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I like your mask.

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Is it a Halloween one?

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THEY LAUGH

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That's so funny.

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No, but for real though.

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-You're kind of trim for a teabag, though. Do you know what I mean?

-Yes!

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No!

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-Phew.

-How pathetic.

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We are grown women.

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Well, one of us has grown. Tiny!

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Right, I'm off to the restaurant.

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-Off to meet Tamara, are we?

-What do you mean, "are we"?

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I'm just off to meet Tamara for a coffee.

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Going for a coffee with Tamara, are we?

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She's just as much my friend.

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No, she's not, because I was the one who made friends with her.

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You're a friend of a friend. Friend-ish. Friendoid.

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Well, I'm not competing.

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Oh, whatever. Yeah? You're jealous cos I've someone else to have fun with.

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Well, I have more fun with Tamara.

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On my fun scale, she's 85%, you are just 40.

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40?! Who invented Cake Soup and Roulade Roulette?

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I'll tell you who, Captain Fun Times.

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Well, did I, or did I not, invent Talk Like Duncan Bannatyne Day?

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Boring. Very boring game.

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The game that you love, is my game: Where's Miranda?

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Found her!

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Opening the door, are we?

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Putting "are we" after a fact does not make it an insult.

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-What are you doing?

-Just taking an early lunch break to meet my friend.

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-My friend.

-My friend.

-My friend.

-My friend.

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Ooh, wearing our coat from Gap for Kids, are we?

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It does work.

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Excuse me, I'm first... THEY SQUABBLE

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Hi, Clive. Is Tamara here?

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She's buying milk. I'd say she won't be long, but she's probably skiving again.

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It's all finished. Just a loose wing nut.

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BOTH: Phwoar!

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Just needed a bit of muscle, that's all, know what I mean?

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Cheers. Yeah, I thought it was probably the wing nut.

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Here you go, mate. There's a score.

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-Cheers, mate. Be lucky.

-All right, son.

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-What?

-You just tried to get all builder alpha male.

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What do you mean "tried to"? I'm alpha male.

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Ryan! Ryan! Excuse me.

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Just add a bit of parsley.

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"Just add a bit of parsley".

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All right!

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Oooh!

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Miranda, can we...?

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-So have you thought any more about us...?

-What?

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The "us spending the night together"

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thingimyjig? A bit.

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I've literally thought of nothing else.

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Great. I still really want to give us a chance,

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so I wondered if you might want to go on another date this week?

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-Yeah. Great.

-Great.

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-So I'm alpha male enough for you, then?

-You, alpha male?!

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Sorry, sorry.

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Tamara!

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-Tamara!

-Tamara, Tamara...

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# We love you, Tamara

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# You're only a day away. #

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Oh, what a lovely welcome. Hey, girls.

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I'll put the milk in the fridge, then, shall I?

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I thought you said she was a good waitress in Hong Kong.

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Give it a rest.

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So, I've just been handed this leaflet for an art class, for painting, from tonight.

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Thought maybe it's fate. You up for it?

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-Yeah, sure.

-Yeah, wicked, yeah.

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-I've always liked art. Do you like Botticelli?

-Oh, amazing.

-Amazing.

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-You don't know what Botticelli is.

-Yes, I do. It's an ice cream.

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Yes, obviously that was a joke.

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So... Botticelli is?

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Um...

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A painter.

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When did he paint?

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He painted in...

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HE MOUTHS

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SHE MANGLES THE WORDS

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HE MOUTHS

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He painted in...the renAI-ssance!

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I've always said it like that.

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And what kind of paintings?

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Big ones...

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-specialising in...

-HE MOUTHS

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Oooh...

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Nuu...

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Nuuudes.

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He painted nuuudes in the RenAI-ssance.

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Yeah, so count ME in, yeah.

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Great. I'll get some drinks.

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"Nuuuddes"? Being an idiot, are we?

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-Slapping me, are we?

-Ow!

-No, you hit me first.

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Stop it! Oi! Oh, hi, Tamara.

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Coming down the stairs, are we?

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Sitting behind the till, are we?

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Using the "are we", are we?

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Hi, darling. Hi, Stevie, how are you?

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-Well, I'm all right...

-Oh, good.

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Now... Look what your hip mother has got herself.

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A portable phone.

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It's a mo-bile. Only 20 years behind.

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I wasn't going to get one on principle, but your father insisted.

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He said saucy text messages were all the rage.

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I thought being rude on the phone meant working for BT.

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Now listen, Phyllida's cousin, Julian Langtuttington, single,

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is arranging a vegan barbecue. I mean, what is the point?

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What are they going to do, grill a bread roll?

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But then again Julian is a little bit...

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SHE MOUTHS

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He thought pot pourri was a tropical disease.

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I think he needs...

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SHE MOUTHS

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-No, you see, all I'm seeing is...

-SHE MOUTHS

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FULL-TIME CARE!

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All right!

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Phyllida's going to text me the details.

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-You should've asked, I could've been busy.

-THEY LAUGH

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-PHONE BEEPS

-Ooh!

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A text!

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Oh, bear with, bear with.

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Such fun.

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Oh, just wear your glasses.

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It's bad for your eyes to strain.

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I think glasses look very elegant on an older woman.

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-Older woman?

-A mature lady. A woman of your age.

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And what age would that be?

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Oh, um...

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Scared!

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Six... Fifty-ni...

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eigh...

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sev...fifty-si...fou...

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49?

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Very elegant.

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As long as you don't wear them on a chain, cos that can make you look very old.

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What do you mean by very old?

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She keeps walking in to it.

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Old, you know, when you're like six...

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Ooh!

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Over a hundred, like your 120s.

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Right.

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-So darling, tonight, at...

-Oh, I can't tonight, I've got plans.

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-What?

-An art class. I do things!

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Miranda, the last time you went out after nine o'clock was when you forgot to put the bins out!

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THEY LAUGH

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Oh, ha-ha-ha(!)

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Excuse me, I have a life.

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You do know staying in with fruit friends doesn't count?

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I do not do that.

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# It's a shame we never listen

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# I told you through the television

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# And all that went away was the price we paid. #

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Yeah, Gordon.

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Hello, everybody, welcome to the class.

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We'll be together for SIX SESSIONS! Twice weekly, for THREE WEEKS!

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Focusing on STILL LIFE!

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Hope it's not food. I'll just want to EAT IT!

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Stop it.

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I'm just sharing a joke with MY friend, Tamara.

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Tonight we start with LIFE DRAWING.

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This is Johnny, our life model tonight.

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And don't forget "Little Johnny." That's inappropriate.

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So, tomorrow night, we'll be doing the female form.

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Unfortunately our regular model is UNWELL,

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so if anyone would like to volunteer,

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please do give me a call in the morning.

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I life modelled once. So freeing.

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Tamara, that is really brave.

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It's good to cross personal boundaries.

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Excuse me, this is a personal conversation.

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Miranda very much stays in her comfort zone.

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That is absolutely not the case.

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Only last week, I had savoury, moved to sweet,

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then switched back to savoury.

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With your nudity issues,

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seeing a naked man is out of your comfort zone.

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I am fine with nudity.

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He moved, it moved!

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Who said that?

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That it so childish.

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What?

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Hey, crazy ladies...

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listen, shall we go out?

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-When?

-Tonight.

-What?

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But we are out.

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Let's go out-out. To a club.

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Now?!

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But it's nearly nine.

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Four words - Rush. Home. For...

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Poirot.

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I'm up for going out-out.

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Miranda's always very in-in.

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-Great, so shall I meet you at the restaurant at 11?

-11?!

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Yeah, I'm up for it. Absolutely, yeah.

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See you there, dudes!

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Gary, listen, I need your help. I've got to stay awake...

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See? Chefs can't be manly.

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-You're so sweet.

-Please don't call me sweet.

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Sorry. I need coffee and something sugary.

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I am going out-out with Tamara.

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You seem obsessed with Tamara at the moment. Pavlova OK?

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There's no need to cut that.

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Thanks. I'm not obsessed with her.

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No, she's keeping me young. Plus Stevie thinks she's a better friend.

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Not one of your stupid competitions again.

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OK. First one to pop all their bubbles.

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On your marks, get set... go!

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Do you ever feel old at 35? It's a weird in-between age if you're single, cos most people...

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Are you still single?

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I hoped you were off the market.

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Yeah?

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Yeah, cos I was going to book a room at that new spa hotel for us.

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-If that's OK?

-It is.

-Great.

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-I'll go and give them a call.

-OK.

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I could do a little weep of joy.

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Drooling over Gary, are we?

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Mutton dressed as lamb, are we?

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Are you ready to party?

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Yeah, I'm getting a bit of a high.

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-Cool, what have you taken?

-Pavlova.

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-Let's go!

-OK!

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# I'm sick and tired of my phone ri-ringing! #

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I can't believe the club closed at 2:30!

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-SHE GASPS

-More music!

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Help me, I'm so tired.

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Where do you go if you want to party till dawn?

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Come on, let's see the sun rise.

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This town is so lame. But it must be cool here when you're middle-aged.

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BOTH: When you're what now, please?

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Aren't you mid-40s? Oh, it doesn't matter, does it?

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It does a bit!

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-Middle-aged?!

-Mid-40s?!

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We'll show her. Oh, hide your Midsomer Murder DVDs.

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-Werthers, knitting.

-Quick!

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-We're not sleeping till she sleeps. Deal?

-Deal.

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Foe no more, friend for sure.

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Love you!

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This is one of Gary's favourite songs...

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Right, come on, funk down. Show her our stuff.

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-Time?

-3:15.

-OK. Cola.

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Energy drink.

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-Coffee. OK.

-Come on, girls...

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Make over.

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Go on without me, save yourself.

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You can do this.

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I love this game!

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Come on!

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-More coffee!

-Yes!

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-Come on.

-Yes. Yes, coffee, quickly.

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ALARM CLOCKS RING

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Its 9am! Too late for sleep!

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Let's go swimming!

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Come on.

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I thought there was another step but they've finished, I hate that.

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I'll get my costume and meet you back here.

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I find a swim is often better than a sleep. Don't you?

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Yes.

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No!

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Hey, and let's go shopping later.

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Shopping?!

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Get up!

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-We can do this!

-I will not be defeated.

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We are young. Are you still with me?

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I'm with you.

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All right, ladies.

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So, Miranda, you wanted to go to a hotel?

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I've booked a room.

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So come to my bar later and I'll take you there in my transit.

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-Alpha male enough for you?

-Yes...

-Yay!

-You're ruining it.

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Sorry. All right, all right. See you later, see you later, sweet cheeks.

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Ooh, somebody's just been woo-ed.

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That was one hell of a woo.

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100 woo points to him.

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Welcome to Woo Central.

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It's woo-nderful.

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You've woo-uined it.

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Stevie, it's actually happening with him. I feel teary again.

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Are you ready? I'll go get changed then.

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I'll meet you at the swimming pool.

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Swimming! I can't, I'll be too tired for tonight.

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You can do this, or do you want everyone to think

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you're so old before your time you've joined the National Trust just for the gift shops?

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You'll turn in to an even posher version of your what-I-call-mother

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and whenever you taste a cake you'll say...

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Ooh, good lord, that's moist.

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That's an excellent point, Stevie. Agh!

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That's an excellent point. Right.

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Right, this is the plan. You go swimming.

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Then I'll take over and go shopping. She won't know we're sleeping between shifts.

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Between us, we'll make an excellent 20-something.

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The stop of us will be un-twoable.

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No. Many lights make hands work.

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Come on!

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Right, swimming things...

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You can do this.

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# You've got to search for the hero inside yourself! #

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-Wake up!

-Ooh! What am I doing here?

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-Swimming things.

-Swimming things! Right.

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What am I doing in here? Swimming things!

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Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

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Can I help you at all, madam?

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Should have changed at home. Fine with it.

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-I'll see you in there.

-Great, yeah.

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Can't wait. Won't be long.

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(Why, why would you?!)

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Tit in eye.

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And dignity intact.

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I have a massive problem with nudity.

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No! Did you keep up with her?

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Yes.

0:20:100:20:11

-Are you OK?

-Fine.

-Right, OK, focus, I need your help.

0:20:150:20:20

Because art class, changing room,

0:20:200:20:22

I'm all cringed out and if I'm going to be wooed tonight, Stevie,

0:20:220:20:25

I've got to find a way to claim nakedity.

0:20:250:20:28

OK, calm. You just need to normalise it, OK?

0:20:280:20:30

The next person who walks through that door,

0:20:300:20:33

just imagine they're naked.

0:20:330:20:35

Agh!

0:20:350:20:36

Charming.

0:20:390:20:40

-Darling, Phyllida has changed the barbecue to tonight, so you can come...

-I can't do tonight either.

0:20:410:20:47

-PHONE BEEPS

-Woo! A text! Bear with, bear with.

0:20:470:20:50

Um... Can you read that for me?

0:20:520:20:55

Oh, yeah. It's Dad. "Heading home, terrible golf game,

0:20:550:20:58

"come and join me in the bath for a hole in one,

0:20:580:21:01

"I want to show you my loofah." Urgh!

0:21:010:21:03

You've got to wear your glasses!

0:21:040:21:07

I've got a bath to go to.

0:21:070:21:09

Urgh!

0:21:090:21:10

I'm sort of officially cringed-out.

0:21:120:21:15

It's like I've eaten cotton wool.

0:21:150:21:18

OK, this can't go wrong with Gary tonight, Stevie, because this is it with him, this is our moment.

0:21:200:21:26

The night when dos become uno.

0:21:260:21:29

Oh, I've had an idea.

0:21:310:21:32

It's quite out there. Yes.

0:21:320:21:35

I'm going to ring and say I want to be the life model for the art class.

0:21:350:21:38

Well, if I can get naked with a bunch strangers,

0:21:380:21:40

there'll be no shyness tonight. I will have claimed my nude-nicity.

0:21:400:21:46

Go for it. You've got to love your body, I do. Mine, not yours.

0:21:460:21:51

If I had to rate myself... Hips, ten, thighs, ten, breasts, ten.

0:21:510:21:55

Sounds like one of my KFC orders.

0:21:550:21:59

Good evening, everybody. This is Miranda, our model for TONIGHT!

0:21:590:22:04

We're very excited, very Rubenesque.

0:22:040:22:06

-You'll see we have curves, contours, undulations...

-Undulations.

0:22:060:22:13

I'm a woman, not a B road.

0:22:130:22:16

And because of her height,

0:22:180:22:19

she has an excellent sweep.

0:22:190:22:22

Thank you very much.

0:22:220:22:23

Keep your eye out for Sooty.

0:22:230:22:26

Sounded wrong.

0:22:260:22:28

If you want to disrobe and make yourself comfortable.

0:22:300:22:33

Right. Um, OK.

0:22:330:22:35

No. I can do this.

0:22:370:22:40

Excuse me.

0:22:400:22:42

I did it!

0:22:450:22:46

Well done.

0:22:460:22:47

Rude.

0:22:540:22:55

So, are you taking this Rubenesque beauty out tonight or what? I have never been more ready.

0:22:570:23:03

Wow. Well, yes, I am.

0:23:030:23:05

# Let's get it on... #

0:23:050:23:07

BOTH: Ooh.

0:23:070:23:09

Ooh, I'm so sorry, sir!

0:23:120:23:14

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

0:23:160:23:17

-Wow, you are... Give me a minute, I'll go and get my things.

-OK.

0:23:190:23:23

Clive! I'm knocking off early.

0:23:230:23:25

Here you are. How was it?

0:23:250:23:27

She was ace. I think it's one of my best paintings.

0:23:270:23:31

Well, when you've got an excellent nuuude.

0:23:310:23:33

-Tamara, I asked you to clear that table.

-Oh, yeah, sorry Clive.

0:23:330:23:36

One sec. So, this band is doing a 24-hour gig,

0:23:360:23:40

dawn till dawn. Want to come?

0:23:400:23:42

Dawn? I can't go on.

0:23:420:23:45

My name's Miranda and my idea of a big night

0:23:450:23:47

is a getting through a giant Toblerone with an omnibus of Countryfile.

0:23:470:23:51

Yeah, I know, it is lovely. And the only reason I'd be up at dawn is if I woke up needing the loo.

0:23:510:23:55

My name's Stevie and it's my ambition is to grow vegetables and make my own ratatouille.

0:23:550:24:02

-Oh, that's lovely.

-I know.

0:24:020:24:03

-A kitchen garden.

-We're very old.

0:24:030:24:06

-What's ratatouille?

-You don't need to know that yet, all in good time.

0:24:060:24:10

Consider us, your Auntie Miranda and your Auntie Stevie.

0:24:100:24:14

-Are you still gossiping?

-Sorry.

0:24:140:24:17

Right, that's it, you're fired.

0:24:170:24:19

Sorry, Gary, but you only employed her cos she's your wife or whatever the set up is...

0:24:190:24:23

I didn't say anything.

0:24:240:24:27

No, you did, you said "she's your wife."

0:24:270:24:30

Who's his wife?

0:24:300:24:31

Is Tamara your wife?

0:24:310:24:33

No. Not really.

0:24:330:24:37

Technically, she's my wife.

0:24:370:24:39

What?!

0:24:390:24:40

Doesn't matter. I'll explain on the way to the hotel.

0:24:400:24:43

Oh, my... Are you two together?

0:24:430:24:45

Tamara's your wife?!

0:24:450:24:46

-Were you eloping?

-Clive, shush.

0:24:460:24:49

-Clive...

-Married to Gary, are we?

0:24:490:24:52

-Miranda, I can explain.

-No, no. Gary, I don't know what to say.

0:24:520:24:56

CD PLAYER: # You say it best when you say nothing at all. #

0:24:560:25:01

-Can you switch that off, please?

-Sorry.

0:25:010:25:03

I was trying to do an angry rant to storm out to and..

0:25:030:25:06

I did a life class... Oh, forget it!

0:25:060:25:10

Miranda!

0:25:120:25:13

Sorry, what do you mean you're married?

0:25:130:25:17

She's a friend from Hong Kong and for a pass to study here I said I'd do the green card thing for a visa.

0:25:170:25:22

I know I'm an idiot. But I owed her massive favour.

0:25:220:25:24

Come on, it's not like I'm still sleeping with her.

0:25:240:25:27

Still? Gary, still?

0:25:270:25:30

Sorry, sorry...

0:25:300:25:32

It was a while ago, it was when I was travelling. Just a fling.

0:25:320:25:35

And you let me become friends with her.

0:25:350:25:37

You knew what a big deal this was for me, but you obviously don't feel the same, do you?

0:25:370:25:42

If you really cared, you wouldn't keep such a massive secret.

0:25:420:25:45

Taking me to a hotel room wasn't another romantic gesture, was it?

0:25:450:25:48

It was just going to be a meaningless fling, only this one won't end in marriage!

0:25:480:25:52

Now, THAT was quite GOOD!

0:25:520:25:54

But I've stormed out of my own flat!

0:25:590:26:02

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:26:020:26:05

You get out.

0:26:050:26:07

Come on, let's talk, please.

0:26:070:26:09

I only didn't tell you because I knew you'd overreact.

0:26:090:26:12

-Overreact?!

-It doesn't mean anything, it was a favour for a friend.

0:26:120:26:15

So you've done everything perfectly in your life, have you?

0:26:150:26:18

That is not the point, I can't talk about this now!

0:26:180:26:21

Can you get out the way so I can slam the door?

0:26:210:26:23

No! You're meant to be on the other side!

0:26:230:26:26

We can't even do arguing properly!

0:26:260:26:29

-Ow!

-Oh, a real man wouldn't have felt that!

0:26:310:26:34

Oh!

0:26:350:26:36

I'm so tired but I'm too angry and upset to go to sleep.

0:26:360:26:41

CD PLAYER: # Didn't we almost have it all? #

0:26:460:26:51

How long have you been hovering over that play button?

0:26:510:26:54

40 minutes.

0:26:540:26:55

Morning.

0:26:580:26:59

Morning.

0:26:590:27:01

Oh, yes they do a lovely breakfast here.

0:27:010:27:03

Comes with egg, two sausage and a green card!

0:27:030:27:07

Miranda, can we talk, please?

0:27:070:27:09

Listen, please tell me we can move on from this?

0:27:110:27:15

Yes, I do want to move on from this.

0:27:150:27:17

Really?

0:27:170:27:19

Thank you, thank you.

0:27:190:27:20

Listen, Tamara's gone. She thought it'd be best to get out of the way.

0:27:200:27:24

-I only didn't tell you because...

-No, Gary wait...

0:27:240:27:27

I want to move on from you, us.

0:27:270:27:30

I never really know what you really want

0:27:310:27:33

and when I finally thought that you knew, there was this massive lie.

0:27:330:27:36

And I can't handle it.

0:27:360:27:39

You know? So, you'll never get to see my naked sweep.

0:27:390:27:44

Sorry.

0:27:480:27:49

Clive, what is this?

0:27:500:27:52

-Tamara left it for the restaurant. An apology gift.

-Wow.

0:27:520:27:57

So that's your naked sweep.

0:27:570:27:59

Oh, no! Gary, don't look! Don't! No!

0:28:000:28:02

What's everyone doing here?

0:28:020:28:04

Nobody look.

0:28:040:28:06

Well, this is a new low.

0:28:100:28:12

SHE SCREAMS

0:28:210:28:22

Nice undulations.

0:28:320:28:34

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:370:28:40

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:400:28:43

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