The Dinner Party Miranda

Well, bonjour to vous!

That's the sort of sophisticated patter

you'll get from a woman who's still got a boyfriend!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Though elegance in the world of romance eludes me.

Oh, wow, look. A robin, lovely.

But I'm proving myself a good lady-woman for Mike.

Pssst...

Well, I don't want to lose him. He's great.

But Operation Maintain Dignity

means a suppressed silliness bursts out at inappropriate moments.

Now close your eyes.

Breathe...

in...

and out.

Relaxed.

Peaceful and calm.

And open your...

SHE SCREAMS

WOMEN SCREAM

But generally, I'm sophisticated girlfriend personified.

I know this because, A - I now own a pashmina.

And B - I've stopped giggling when people say "sausage."

Can you sign these?

Oh, look at this place!

Do you know, one night without Mike and the real you explodes.

Well, I'm not ready for him to know that I make fruit friends.

And new Vegetapals.

Meet Mr Butternut.

Oh, hello to you!

I don't want that to put him off.

And what are you wearing?

I happen to be sporting an elasticated culotte.

Because you're a PE teacher from 1987?

Cos I've got nothing else left to wear. Washing machine's broken.

Do you want a round of swing muffin?

Of course.

Good luck!

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

-Hello?

-Oh! It's Mike!

Oh...

Glee box set!

Hide it!

-Modern Art!

-That's nice.

-Oh!

-Fruit friends!

-Fruit friends!

My taxi was going past and I just, er...

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Oh, I've missed you! Oh!

Well, I've... I've missed you too.

I just came to get a glimpse, really, I...

I'll come down. Pass my pashmina.

No.

It's my chic look!

What...?

What's that?

That is Stevie's.

Yeah, it's mine. Well, it's my friend's.

I'm looking after it while she's away, she didn't want to...

leave him in a kennel.

Ooh!

-MIRANDA CHUCKLES

-Do you want to play a game?

I'm working.

Oh, come on. We could play "What cereal am I?"

Or "Can we fit Stevie in a pillowcase?"

Oh...

Sorry.

Ooh!

My pants have gone, er...northwards.

Ooh! Specifically, north-north-east.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, this is a public space!

Sorry, but I washed these last pair of pants in the dishwasher,

and it sort of melted them.

It was resourceful!

Ooh, dear, no...

SHE LAUGHS

It's getting really uncomfortable now, actually.

I'm going to have to take my pants off.

Oh!

Sorry, sir, I didn't see you and immediately think,

"I must take my pants off."

I'm not being lewd.

Do excuse me.

Excuse me.

Ooh!

No, I'm not sure about this going-commando business.

-Ooh, no, that feels wrong.

-I'm so sorry.

I'm a culotte incident away from moonery. Careful!

How you think you're fit for the adult world of relationships

is beyond me.

For that statement, I find myself begging your pardon.

You're pretending to be someone you're not when you're with Mike,

then one night without him, you're a child again,

and the notion of not wearing pants is hilarious.

Just popping your maturity on the end of my flagpole.

You're just jealous, Miss Singletypops!

I'm a functioning adult in a mature relationship.

Darling...

I've got your bed sheets.

I ironed the Knight Rider duvet

because David Hasselhoff was looking peculiar.

All Penny does is sort out your life.

Excuse me, Little Miss Oompa Loompa.

I have a very busy life.

I'm having work done on my kitchen. There are lunches, rotas...

This week I'm on the rota rota for Rotary.

I only did these because Miranda has to find a new plumber.

It's just down 'ere, guvnor, mate, me friend, awright?

D'you want a brew? 'Jestive?

OK, love, let's just quickly seal this crack, shall we?

Right, I'm to have a mature, adult day about town,

fully commando.

Actually, I'm beginning to enjoy the freedom now.

Oh, it's fabulous!

I've been pantless since...

Don't say that.

I skinny-dipped with Christopher Plummer-ed-me-thrice.

Such fun!

I'll never recover.

-Ooh!

-MIRANDA GIGGLES

Ooh, that's breezy!

How do you negotiate the frozen food aisles?

Serious woman.

MIRANDA GIGGLES

I'm not wearing any pants. Enjoy your meatballs.

-Hi, Gary. Hi, Rose.

-Hey.

Where did you put the muslins, Papa Bear?

-What's going on?

-Well, I was meant to be babysitting for Chris and Alison,

-but I've got this urgent loan application I've got to fill out.

-Tell her.

He's buying the restaurant!

Wow, that's so exciting, Gary!

-Thank you.

-Congrats, babe.

Thanks, darling.

See you later.

You're sure you can't help us, Gary?

Well, hello? Babysitter.

Ah, well, hello? Responsibility.

Hello, rude.

We're... We're having a little bosom leakage.

Ooh, still breastfeeding.

Well, nothing beats mother's latte.

So, good news...

Miranda's offered to baby-sit.

Oh!

Well...

We're desperate.

Er... It's only a couple of hours. It's a hospital appointment.

She's got to have a scrape.

Ooh, right, OK.

Now, that's the kind of word you should mouth, all right?

-MOUTHS:

-"Scrape."

-We want to try for another.

-MIGHT try for another.

-Only I can speak for my vagina.

-Why?!

Why?

# Why...Delilah...

# Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-waah...#

You're going to have fun with Auntie Miranda.

We've booked a music session at the soft play centre.

So, nappies, wipes, spare wipes, er... Mr Boo Boo.

HE LAUGHS

Now, come on, dumpling!

Thank you. You're a lifesaver.

Ooh!

-Nearly snogged there.

-Yes.

Right, OK.

Sophisticated lady coming through.

Ooh! Madam!

We're going to have fun, aren't we, little...

Perhaps my pashmina's got stuck in...

I think that it's stuck...

ALL: # E-i-e-i-o...

# It's nearly time to finish up

# So on to the final round

# She sings everything!

# It's totally brilliant!

# And on that farm he had a... #

My turn? Er...

Dolphin.

Out of the box.

With a...

Chhhhh...

-here, and a...

-SHE CLICKS

-..there...

-Here a...

-SHE WAILS

..there a Chhhhh...

-everywhere a...

-SHE CLICKS

SHE SUCKS IN AIR

Chhhhh...Chhhhh...

# Right, I think we'll end it there! #

Move up, move up!

Oh!

Ohh, me back's gone.

Oh, all right, OK! Kids backing up.

Oh, you stink!

# Somebody looks a bit stuck. #

This is the only way down.

But my back. I can't and I'm scared.

I'm sorry, I just...

Ooh!

Ooh, my God!

Oh, my back!

Oh!

Yes, yes, I...

Yes, I think we ought to be able to ease that.

So, if you'd like to get down to your bra...

Bra and vest and pants, and then, um...

I'll pop back in a moment.

SHE HUMS STRIPTEASE TUNE

-SHE GASPS

-No pants!

Yes, 20 mg of Voltarol should do the trick.

And tell her that I'll speak to her when I've seen my patient.

Ohh, my!

Oh! Oh, right!

You do need the paper on the couch.

I presumed it was there for origami.

Hence the origami pants-slash-nappy.

Has anyone ever done you a swan, or..?

No, you're the first patient who's done origami.

Well, it's a happy day for us both, then, isn't it?

So if you'd like to lie face-up on the couch, please?

-As the osteo said to the patient.

-SHE GIGGLES

No? OK.

Ooh!

Hello!

Intimate, isn't it?

We'll have to become engaged after this, sir.

Wig!

Wig!

-And perhaps you'd like to lie on your side, please?

-Yes.

Thank you.

Oooh!

Did we just consummate our engagement?

So, just one final stretch, OK?

SHE FARTS LOUDLY

Oh, good day to you.

One - why are you wearing your Where's Miranda outfit?

And B - how was your mature day about town?

One, I've only got this left to wear, washing machine is still broken.

And B - I got stuck in a tunnel in a soft play centre, did my back in,

went pantless to an osteopath where I farted and blew out a candle.

-I don't...

-I know. I know.

And instead of getting over it like a normal 30-something,

with a glass of wine and a leaf through Tatler,

last night, I got a felt-tip pen and decorated my breasts as Jedward.

Mike is going to realise I'm a nonsense and dump me.

Then, sire,

I throw down the "It's Time To Grow Up And Do Without Mummy" gauntlet.

Well, sire, I pick up your gauntlet.

With such verve and vigour, I smash it about your little tiny face.

Hey, Quirky!

(Hi!)

Listen, about tonight, I just had a call from Dad.

He's really down, so I said I'd go out with him tonight.

No worries.

Well, actually, he asked about finally meeting you.

Ooh, that's a step. I'm not sure if...

-Gauntlet!

-GAUNTLET!

Sorry.

Yes, good, no. I would like to meet my boyfriend's father.

Bring him round, I'll cook.

Great!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

-Bit nervous. With previous girlfriends, there's always been a bit of a culling.

-Culling?

He's...

He's particular.

Is he?

I've stitched your bra.

# Bra, bra, bra, bra Barbara Ann... #

Is how excited I am about tonight.

See you later.

Sorry, Mother.

Sorry.

It's just, I am with gauntlet,

and from now on, I take all adult tasks on.

For tonight, I cook for my boyfriend's father.

BOTH: Sire!

It's for Mike's father?

Er... Yeah, that's fine, that's fine.

Very happy not to get involved...

Sire.

Bye, Miranda, live well.

Wine glasses, not tumblers, and use the crockery your aunt left you.

Penny! Go!

-Which one's that?

-The flowery one.

No, which one's crockery? Plates or spoons?

Oh, help us all!

-Bye, darling.

-Bye, Mummy!

Oh, it's for your own good!

(Red wine - meat. White wine - fish. And if in doubt - Delia.)

Oi!

I knew you'd never do it.

"Mature relationship"?

Oh... Well, now, I have had enough of this doubting,

Little Miss and Mrs Doubtfire.

Yeah?

And tonight I shall have a couple's dinner party.

And without your help, I shall have a soiree with home-cooked fare,

and good crockery,

which is plates.

And there shall be Buble on the stereo,

and I won't even laugh at the name Bubl...

It's got "boob" in it!

Stevie, if you manage to get a boyfriend by tonight, do come.

Right, ingredients.

Hello to you, alfalfa.

I thought you were a llama, but a hearty welcome.

Right, let's do this.

Can't be that hard!

-SOBBING:

-It's really hard!

At one point, I was told to skiffle carrots.

Skiffle?!

Am I to play them a percussive instrument and dance for them?

My carrots?

I confused tsp with tbsp.

Trying to do a salmon terrine starter.

Who can strike clean a piece of cling film?

I was going to do crepe suzette for pudding, but, um...

Penis pasta, what's that doing there?

That's not fun to eat in your 30s.

I see only one option.

Sorry...

SHE GASPS

All hail! A terrine!

Even potatoes!

Why do we bother cooking?

-Why?

-I'm doing this fish pie for six, and they'll never know!

# Praise M&S Putting food on our table

# Cos cooking drives us crazy We're busy-slash-lazy

# Other upmarket food stores are available! #

-Lovely!

-Thank you!

Now go, ladies, go.

Decant in your own dishes and lie!

SHE GIGGLES

Who has caused me a wonky throw?

Now, are you sure you don't mind us babysitting?

-I'm really sorry, I just have to make it up to Chris and Alison.

-Of course.

Can I pop the baby monitor here?

I'm not interfering.

If I were, I'd say, "Dab that stain off your dress."

I'm saying nothing.

Mother, this is soap, because I hand-washed it,

and I've called the plumber back.

I am an in-control adult with my cocktail sausages.

SHE GIGGLES

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Ooh! Oh!

This is my boyfriend, Norman.

We've come for the dinner party.

You have clearly just dragged a traffic warden off the street.

No, no, we're seeing each other.

Get off me!

Babe...

-Come and help me settle him.

-Yeah, yeah, sure.

Get this out!

-MIKE:

-Yes, she bought the shop about four years ago...

Bum bummery! They're here.

OK, act normal, act normal.

No, more natural. More natural. Just...

Miranda!

This is my father.

Well...

Well...

Very nice to meet you, Miranda.

Very nice to meet you too, Mr Jackford.

Call me Valerie.

Yeah, good one, call me Derek!

-SHE GIGGLES

-Dad's name is Valerie.

What's your mum called, Dave?

Right! Um...

Let me introduce you to my mother.

For tonight you are a Valerie Singleton, if you...

Dad, this is Penny.

Stevie, osteopath, he was the osteopath!

No! MIRANDA GASPS

Sir, um... Could I take your coat?

Sorry.

Lovely, and your keys?

Or shall I throw them in a bowl?

VALERIE LAUGHS

It's a joke!

It's a joke!

-Sorry. Are you OK?

-Yes, of course. Yes.

Now, do sit down, let me plump you a scatter cushion.

Help yourself to sausages.

Can I get you a warming glass o' rouge?

I'm so getting culled!

Wig!

ALL THREE: Wig! Wig!

There you go.

Oh, thank you.

Now, do relax in my nibble and mingle zone.

-So...

-THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

He's just done an explosive poo right up to his armpits.

Well, on that note, I think I'll leave.

VALERIE LAUGHS

It was a joke, yeah!

It was a joke.

I shat meself once.

Now, er, let me just sort out my dessert.

I've got syphilis.

Physalis!

Physalis, the fruit, exotic fruit.

I have not got syphilis.

VALERIE LAUGHS

Laughter delay.

Now, you know what's for dessert,

but for starter, we're having a smoked salmon terrine,

and for main, we shall be having lamb.

So, the terrines. I'll just get them out.

And the terrines.

It's a joke about getting your breasts out instead of the terrines.

One for you.

Nothing.

THEY ALL CHATTER

Oh, thank you.

HE CHINKS GLASS

Shall we say grace?

-Oh, right.

-Oh, yes.

-Yes, of course, we always do.

Me?

Right...

Um...

Lord, um...

We...thank you for...the music.

The songs we're singing.

Um...

We thank you for your bread of heaven.

Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more.

# Want no more! #

Feed me till I want no more, so much,

thank you very much to you God, please, amen.

Mmm!

Oh, delicious!

Mmm!

And what did you use?

Oh, um, well...skills...

um, utensils...

terrine mix, terrine powder.

I think I've got a bit of pants in my terrine.

They'll be Miranda's. She had to wash them in the dishwasher.

Right, excuse me while I just check on my gravy.

MIRANDA COUGHS LOUDLY

BABY CRIES

I'll go.

So, are you thinking of having children, Miranda?

All that dribbling and talking gibberish,

you've got plenty in common.

VALERIE LAUGHS

Dad!

Do you think you could do the laugh while you're making the joke?

That way there won't be any false starts.

I think she'd make a great mum.

Well, she's already got a (very weak) PELVIC FLOOR.

Such fun!

Penny, why don't you tell us about the work you're having done?

Yes, what are you having done?

The crow's feet I can see...

On my kitchen.

On my kitchen, you stupid old...

Shall we play a game, shall we?

# Heads, shoulders knees and toes Knees and toes... #

-That's a kids' game!

-Yes! Ridiculous suggestion.

I mean, I prefer dinner party convo.

So, um...

Well, Norman, what do you do for a hobby?

I like to let kittens feed from my beard.

Shall we play a game? I think we should play a game.

-Let's play a game.

-What about the were game?

You know, if you were going to be a were-animal for one night, like a werewolf, what animal would you be?

What, like Valerie would be a were-toupee?

ALL: # Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes... #

My lamb looks OK, I've made a new gravy,

I'm clawing it back.

Ohh! Oh!

My meat's gone mobile.

Oh, hot! Five-second rule.

Hot! Five-second rule.

Hot! Five-second rule.

Oh!

What is going on?

My meat's gone mobile.

Valerie thinks I'm insane.

-You're not helping.

-Now, listen here.

I like Mike, and you are more than good enough for him.

I do not like Valerie.

I will not be dictated to by Stevie the crazed leprechaun,

and a man with a dead badger on his head.

-We stick together.

-Oh, Mummy!

Help me with a new main course.

-SHE GASPS

-Mum!

The microwave is about to go ping. I've put the M&S potatoes in there.

What are you two up to in there?

BOTH: Nothing!

MICROWAVE BLEEPS

THEY SCREAM

Sorry, we thought we saw a, er...

-Mouse.

-Mouse!

What?!

Really, babe?

Oh, you need to man up.

I am so pleased my daughter's moved on to your lovely son, Vanessa.

What do you mean, moved on?

She's had a thing for Gary for years.

-It wasn't really a thing.

-..wasn't really a thing.

Well, was it a thing, or wasn't it a thing?

Well, if you can call a couple of dates...

You dated?

Well, nothing ever really happened.

Oh, tell me about it! On, off, on, off...

And do you still want it to be on?

BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

BABY CRIES

-STEVIE: I'll give you a hand.

-Rose...

-PENNY OVER MONITOR:

-'You are not doing Miranda any favours.'

STEVIE: 'She's on a losing streak with that Valerie.'

'Her first proper boyfriend, and the father's got the personality

'of a self-service checkout.'

-GARY:

-'Oh, and that wig! It's like roadkill!'

-PENNY LAUGHS

-'Yes, well...

'If Miranda gets desperate, we can always grill that!'

THEY LAUGH

LAUGHTER STOPS ABRUPTLY

'This monitor's on, isn't it?'

TRICKLING WATER

BOTH: Brazen wee.

TOILET FLUSHES

Sir, can I get you a drink?

Would you like a tea, perhaps a camomile?

She's got a redbush.

The tea, the tea!

Sorry, I was making crepe suzette earlier.

(Sorry.)

Right, son, I've had enough of this.

I don't care to come to a so-called dinner party

to be insulted by your girlfriend's freaky friends and dysfunctional family.

Excuse me, my functional is not disfamily.

We are not fysdunctional.

Mr Jackford, I know I haven't portrayed myself well,

but I am a capable woman.

Then why is foam rising throughout your kitchen?

Oh, no! I put Fairy Liquid in the dishwasher.

I am normal!

Hello?

I'm only coming in if you don't wax my crack again, all right?

Is that penis pasta?

Right!

That's it!

I drop the gauntlet.

For the last two days, I've tried to be a grown-up,

but I have no interest in abiding by the adult rulebook.

I want to do fun things that make me happy,

which by the way, for the record, include making Vegetapals.

Meet Mr Butternut.

You might call me a child.

Good.

For if adults had even the slightest in-the-moment joy of a child,

then frankly, the world would be a better place.

Oh!

And the terrine?

M&S.

Well, I bet you're glad your "thing" with her is over now.

No. Miranda's my best friend, Rose,

and I'm not going to say what you want me to say,

so if you can't handle that, then do you know what?

It's over.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-Fine!

SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS CLOSING THEME

Come on, Mike.

No, I'm staying.

These last two days, I've been worried that you weren't who I thought you were, because I was...

falling in love with you.

Your ridiculous sense of humour, and your...

smile and the way you bring me out of my boring shell, and...

Well, hearing what you just said...

I realised I have fallen in love with you.

I love you, Quirky.

Get off!

And do you know what I really want to do?

BOTH: Foam fight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd