Mammy's Inflation Mrs Brown's Boys


Mammy's Inflation

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

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# She's Mrs Brown

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# That's Mrs Brown

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# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

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APPLAUSE

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PHONE RINGS

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PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

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CONTINUOUS TONE

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Ya bastard!

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HAMMERING

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-What do you want, Granddad?

-Who was it?

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I don't know. It stopped before I got to it.

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-Was it for me?

-I don't fuckin' know!

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What do you think I am, a psychopath?

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PHONE RINGS

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PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

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Hello?

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-CONTINUOUS TONE

-Feck it!

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BANGING

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-What?

-Who was it?

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Murphy's Funeral Home. They want to know what height you are.

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Right, I'm going...

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..out the back to hang out clothes.

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Goodbye now.

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They can fuck off.

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C'mon, Thomas, I'll put the kettle on.

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Actually, there's no need to make tea.

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I just want to ask you something important.

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-In private...

-Sit down, Thomas.

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What's so important that you needed to talk to me on my own?

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I want to ask you something. It's...rather a big thing.

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-Go on.

-Well, I'm not getting any younger

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and, well, time comes for...change.

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I understand.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello, Mrs Bro...

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Hello? How do you do?

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No, he's not here.

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OK, I'll tell him.

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You thought you'd fuckin' had me, didn't ya?

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Hello, love. Hello, Thomas.

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Hello, Mrs Brown.

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Perhaps we should do this another time.

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-But, Thomas...

-No, no really. Another time.

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You spoilt it again.

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Why do you have to embarrass me every time?

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Me embarrass you?

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How do you think I feel when the neighbours say,

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"Is that your daughter with Worzel fuckin' Gummidge?"

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Hello.

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Come into the kitchen.

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I don't know what's wrong with Cathy.

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She's besotted with this Thomas fella. Professor...

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..Clown.

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You know, you'd think if she had somebody that she likes,

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you know, she wouldn't be as jumpy as she is.

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I don't like him, not one feckin' bit.

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He's too into himself.

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You know, I can see him strolling down Lover's Lane,

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hand in hand with himself.

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Cathy needs to understand that...love is like snow.

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You know, you don't know if its going to stick.

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And you never know how many inches you're going to get.

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Who's getting inches?

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Not yours truly anyway.

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-So how is everybody?

-Ah, grand.

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Cathy's still cavorting with ya man Professor Clown.

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Well, at least Cathy does something about a boyfriend. My Sharon does...

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-Everybody!

-..nothing.

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Nothing. That's what I meant, nothing, yeah.

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I often wonder, will she ever lose her virginity?

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I mean, she's such a...

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Bike.

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..shy girl.

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Shy girl, that's what I meant. Yes. Shy, yeah.

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Look, I don't know what's going on with Sharon's relationships

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but Cathy's just like a bag of feckin' cats.

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-She nearly bit the head off me just then.

-Sharon's the same.

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I asked her when she was going to get a better job

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and she just nearly devoured me.

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But she likes that job she has in Foley's.

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She speaks four languages, Agnes.

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-And she can't say no in any of them!

-What?

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Nothing. Nothing.

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Great news. Mammy. Me and Dino are getting a condominium.

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That's fantastic.

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Rory, be careful. They're not a 100% safe.

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Your Mammy's right, Rory.

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Sharon's friend wore one of them and got run over by a bus.

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Well, shows you.

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We've got an apartment.

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Con-do-minium.

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All-fuckin'-right.

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It's gorgeous.

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Fuckin' flies.

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We're only hoping now that it will be ready

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before Dino gets turfed out of the bedsit.

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Ah, well, I'm happy that yous are happy. Where is it?

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In Kil...

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BUZZING

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I'm sorry, love, where is it?

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-It's in Kilbride, Mrs Brown.

-Oh!

-Oh, it's beautiful.

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Oh, that's very far out, Rory.

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I mean, that's going to be a long trek in and out of Wash & Blow.

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That's why I'm doing this.

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Driving lessons. Oh, Rory, I don't know.

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Remember the first time you drove?

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Oh, God, you cried so much I had to go into the shop

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and ask the man to pull out the plug.

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I'd be grand.

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The instructor said, if I do the course, I'd pass me test no problem.

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That's what the last instructor said.

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You had lessons before?

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-Tell him, tell him!

-Well, I put the car into gear

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and when it started, the instructor started shouting, "Stop! Stop!"

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The man hadn't got into the car yet!

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I couldn't stop it.

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I said to Mammy, "How do I stop this thing?"

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What were you doing in the car, Mrs Brown?

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I was feckin' praying, son.

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-So what happened?

-Well, you know the flower shop on Rathmore Street?

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There is no flower shop in Rathmore Street.

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Exactly! Not now!

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Don't do it, Rory. It's too dangerous.

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No, I am doing it.

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Danger is my middle name.

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Bond. James Bond.

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Off. Fuck off.

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Do you know, at first I was really nervous about this,

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but now I'm excited.

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Excited about what?

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Driving lessons.

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Why would you get driving lessons when you haven't got a car?

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I don't say anything when you buy a bra.

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-D'you want tea?

-Yes, please, Mammy.

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-Fine.

-Look, I'm sorry for snapping earlier.

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It's all right, love, that's what dinosaurs do.

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-Argh!

-Thanks, Mammy.

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-How is?

-Dermot is not here.

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-Actually I'm looking for you, Mrs Brown.

-I don't want any.

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Dermot tells me you're looking to get your kitchen done.

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-Yes, so?

-Well, I don't know if you were aware, Mrs Brown,

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but I have a lot of experience in renovations.

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No, I wasn't aware. Because you don't!

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Look, all I want is a chance to quote for the job.

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Fine, you can quote.

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Seven and a half grand.

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-For what?

-For me. That's my quote.

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Buster, to put in a quote,

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you have to show Mammy what you're going to do,

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take measurements and that,

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decide how long it's going to take and then how much.

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Seven and a half grand.

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HE SNORES

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What the feckin'! What are you doin'?

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Mammy, I want to talk to you about something important.

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That's what ad breaks are for.

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-What?

-Mammy, what did you do to impress Daddy?

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-What do you mean impress him?

-You know, when you were dating.

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What did you have to do to keep him interested?

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Fuckin' turn up!

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Why, what's on your mind?

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I was thinking about getting a boob job.

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And what's wrong with the job you have?

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No, Mammy, a boob job! Breast enlargements.

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Oh, yeah...

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I have enough money saved. What do you think?

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I think you should do whatever you want to do, love.

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Thomas is always looking at women with big breasts.

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A man looking at women with big breasts.

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Wonders will never cease.

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Mammy, would you change anything?

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Never, no. I was always very proud of my body.

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I used to just strip naked and stand in front of the mirror.

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I'd go, "Hm-hm-hm-hm!

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"Go on, you good thing."

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Everybody else in the butcher's would just stare at me.

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But they weren't getting their mince for 40 pence a pound.

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Seriously, Mammy, if you had had access to plastic surgery,

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what would you have gotten done?

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I might have got a couple of inches put onto your father's penis.

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That's just me being feckin' greedy now!

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Listen, Cathy love, you get a titty job, that's your own business.

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But I think it might be much better for you

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if you found somebody who loves you just the way you are.

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It's not like that any more, Mammy.

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It's not enough to just turn up.

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-Well, maybe it is... for the right man!

-Uh!

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What's a mother to do?

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END MUSIC PLAYS

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Ah, bollocks!

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Mrs Brown, this is the best draughtsman in the city.

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He's the best there is?

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Hello.

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-Hello, Mr...

-His name is Giddyeye.

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-Giddyeye.

-Pleased to meet you, Mrs Brown.

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Now, can you show us the kitchen?

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We're in the fuckin' kitchen.

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Oh, yeah of course.

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First thing we need to do is better lighting.

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It's almost pitch black in here.

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-Pitch black?

-He's very cheap.

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He can't see!

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Of course he can see! Just not very well.

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He can make out shapes close to his face.

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Can you make out that shape?

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-Hey, who are you?

-Jesus Christ!

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-What are you doing?

-This sink is far too big.

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What?

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Hello, Blondie.

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Buster, get Helen Keller out of here.

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C'mon Giddyeye, we're going.

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Looking forward to seeing you again soon, Mrs Brown.

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I'm looking forward to you seeing me for the fuckin' first time!

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Lying bastard!

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Shit! Shit!

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"Wedding dress for sale.

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"Worn once...

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"..by mistake."

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-Tea, love?

-Yes, please, Mammy.

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Well, what do you think?

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What do I think of what?

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-You got it done already?

-No, I'm wearing a size decider.

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-What?

-The clinic want me to be sure I get the size I want,

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so they gave me this to try out different sizes.

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It adjusts, watch.

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HISSING

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Inflatable titties!

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-It's amazing!

-I'm going to try it out on my date tomorrow night.

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Hope Thomas reacts the way I think he will.

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-I wonder will he notice it?

-Oh, believe me, he'll fuckin' notice.

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How do you get them to go down again?

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I'm not sure. The instructions are upstairs.

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And what do you two want?

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Tell her, will you, Dermo?

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Mammy, Giddyeye isn't going to design your kitchen.

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-Buster knows what he wants.

-Seven and a half grand.

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But to get it past the council,

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he has to get a draughtsman's signature.

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That's all he needs Giddyeye for.

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So Giddyeye is going to sign it? How? In Braille?

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It's just to cover meself and you.

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Look, I'll trust him this time, but I'm telling you, Buster, don't you push me!

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How did Cathy get on at the clinic?

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-How did you know about Cathy and the clinic?

-Maria was telling me.

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Well, it's private and personal and it's not to be discussed.

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They gave her blow-up titties.

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It all goes different sizes

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because she has to decide what size she wants,

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cos some women are different, you know, you don't want to get...

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Get 'em too long and you're in the shower trying to fuckin' wash them...

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-Oh, right.

-Is Cathy sick, Dermo?

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No, she's getting a boob job.

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That's none of his fuckin' business.

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You're right, Ma. Buster, you never heard that.

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You'll have to speak up, Dermo.

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Ssh! You two, don't open your fuckin' mouth.

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I don't know where it is.

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Oh, hiya, Dermot.

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Hiya, Cathy.

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Hel-lo, Cathy!

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-Hello, Buster.

-I heard you're getting your tits blown up?

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Buster, out!

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And who told him?

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Nobody! But in fairness, you know...

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I suppose.

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Would you like a cup of tits... tea, love! Tea, cup of tea.

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I should have known better than trusting you with a secret.

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Well, I meant PG tits... Tips!

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PG...tips.

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I'm so disappointed with Cathy.

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I think she's beautiful just the way she is.

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-Why, what's wrong with her?

-She's talking about getting implants.

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Don't talk to me, I went about them.

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Never been so embarrassed in me life.

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I didn't know that. When?

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Oh, a long while ago. Ten years now.

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I thought I'd go and ask if implants would be any good.

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I was only in there five minutes and he started feeling me jing-jangs.

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Well, I let out a scream.

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Worst dentist I've even been to.

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Winnie, I was talk... Oh, it doesn't matter.

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I can see where Cathy's coming from, getting a boob job.

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It's all down to how you feel about yourself.

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Its all about S-E-K-S.

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Sex!

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No, Mrs Brown, Betty's right. A woman needs good self-esteem.

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Does she?

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When was the last time a man asked to feel your self-esteem, Winnie?

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No, the world's gone sex mad. I see young boys now

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and they're dressing like they're feckin' Chippendales.

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I hear young girls now talking like adults, and they're only 12.

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I don't remember even thinking about sex at that age.

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It's different for men, Maria. Sex is a big thing to them.

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My Jacko can remember the first time he had sex.

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He still has the fuckin' receipt.

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-Hiya's!

-Hiya!

-So, what's the conversation?

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Ah, don't you know? Men and sex.

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What do they say? You can't have one...

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ALL: ..without the other.

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Yes, you can.

0:17:180:17:19

Winnie, you stay away from that tumble dryer.

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You know, I'd rather clean me oven than have sex.

0:17:290:17:32

-Really?

-Yes. If I'm going to be on my hands and knees for 15 minutes

0:17:320:17:35

I want something to fuckin' show for it!

0:17:350:17:38

No, Cathy, don't order, I have to go home and let Dermot out for a pint.

0:17:410:17:44

-Come back to my place and I'll open up a bottle of wine.

-Great. Betty?

0:17:440:17:48

Have you only got the one bottle?

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What are you smiling at?

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-You know the inflatable titties that Cathy got?

-Uh-huh.

0:17:560:17:59

I'm wearing them!

0:17:590:18:01

You are not!

0:18:030:18:06

Here, show me.

0:18:060:18:07

There's a gizmo here, takes a second.

0:18:070:18:09

Hello, Father Damien.

0:18:200:18:22

Mrs Brown. I just wanted to tell you your Mark was out was out with me today.

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Thank you. Winnie, get the switch!

0:18:260:18:28

He was looking for a reference from me for his emigration application.

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I don't know him that well, but I gave him a good one.

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Oh, thank you, Father. Winnie, for fuck's sake!

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My pleasure, he's such a fine young man.

0:18:370:18:39

He'll be a great loss to the community.

0:18:390:18:41

Winnie, do something!

0:18:410:18:43

Mrs Brown, are your tits swelling?

0:18:430:18:46

I beg your pardon?

0:18:460:18:47

-It's just that...

-Winnie, do something now!

0:18:470:18:51

HISSING

0:18:510:18:54

Right then, I'll... I'll leave you two with it.

0:19:020:19:06

Have you got everything you need?

0:19:210:19:23

That's nearly everything.

0:19:230:19:25

Birth, baptism certificate, stamped letter from the police.

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Just a couple of references to get now,

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send them all off to the Australian embassy. And that's it.

0:19:300:19:33

And when will you know...

0:19:360:19:37

When will you know if you have the visas?

0:19:400:19:43

-A few weeks, I'd say. Then we do medicals.

-That quick?

0:19:430:19:46

So when do you think you'll be going?

0:19:530:19:55

No complications, I'd say a few weeks.

0:19:550:19:57

Well, I won't lie to you,. I wish you weren't going.

0:19:570:20:01

Neither do I, but I have to do what's best for me family.

0:20:010:20:05

Anyway, you can come out and visit.

0:20:050:20:07

To Australia? Oh, no, love, nobody out there knows me.

0:20:070:20:10

We do and that's all that matters.

0:20:140:20:16

-Yes, love.

-Right, I'm off. I'll see you tomorrow.

0:20:160:20:20

Oh, by the way, what's happening with the kitchen?

0:20:200:20:22

Buster says he's got a couple of pieces to put in place,

0:20:220:20:25

before he can give us a quote. But he'll get back to us.

0:20:250:20:27

I'll be here to keep an eye on him for most of it. See ya.

0:20:270:20:30

-Bye love.

-Hey. Rory.

0:20:300:20:32

Hello, love. Cup of tea?

0:20:320:20:34

No, thanks, Mammy. Have you got anything for a headache?

0:20:340:20:37

Me head is pounding.

0:20:370:20:38

How did the driving lesson go today?

0:20:380:20:40

Not great.

0:20:400:20:42

Mammy, what do you do when a policeman does that?

0:20:420:20:45

You slow down.

0:20:460:20:48

What do you do when he does that?

0:20:480:20:49

You stop.

0:20:490:20:51

And what do you do when he goes, "Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck?"

0:20:510:20:55

You drive on as quick as you feckin' can!

0:20:560:20:58

Oh, Rory, sounds like you had a rough day.

0:21:010:21:04

I can't get the hang of this parking thing.

0:21:040:21:07

Now, the instructor was very nice about it.

0:21:070:21:10

He said, "It's OK, I'll get out your side."

0:21:100:21:13

He told me to bring a crash helmet next time.

0:21:130:21:17

You'd look stupid driving around in a crash helmet.

0:21:170:21:20

No, for him!

0:21:200:21:21

How are ya? I've got the designs.

0:21:230:21:27

Do you know something, Buster?

0:21:310:21:33

I do - bats always turn left when they come out of a cave.

0:21:330:21:37

Do you know, this is very good. It's perfect.

0:21:400:21:44

I just need to make a couple of changes.

0:21:440:21:46

Mark and Betty, they're going to Australia.

0:21:460:21:49

So fly away, Mark, fly away, Betty.

0:21:490:21:51

And it's all going to be good quality.

0:21:510:21:53

I'm getting it from that Scandinavian company with the small name.

0:21:530:21:57

-IKEA.

-Lego.

0:21:570:21:59

Just kidding. It is, it's IKEA.

0:22:030:22:05

Buster, this is good.

0:22:070:22:09

OK, Buster, you have the job.

0:22:110:22:13

Ah, thanks, Mrs Brown.

0:22:130:22:15

Cancel the Lego.

0:22:160:22:18

It's a great idea, a night at the bingo.

0:22:220:22:24

Imagine if we won the jackpot?

0:22:240:22:26

Yes, then maybe Mark wouldn't have to emigrate to Australia.

0:22:260:22:29

Mrs Brown, we don't want to emigrate, but what can we do?

0:22:290:22:32

Cathy is meeting Clown after the bingo.

0:22:330:22:36

Do you think he's going to pop the question soon?

0:22:360:22:38

-Oh, wouldn't that be lovely.

-Gorgeous.

0:22:380:22:41

Excuse me...do any of you like Clown?

0:22:410:22:45

God, no, he's a boring old shit!

0:22:450:22:47

Hello?! Why would you want him to marry Cathy?

0:22:490:22:52

-Well...

-It's a wedding.

-I love a wedding.

0:22:520:22:55

And who knows, he might make her very happy.

0:22:550:22:57

If he dies at the reception.

0:22:570:22:59

Do any of yous have any idea what it's like to live with a man

0:23:010:23:05

who's a complete bore and has no personality?

0:23:050:23:08

Tell them, Winnie.

0:23:080:23:10

Well...

0:23:120:23:13

Hold on now, Agnes, Jacko does have his moment.

0:23:160:23:20

When?

0:23:200:23:21

April 8th 1985. When Sharon was little.

0:23:210:23:25

Ha-ha-ha! Sharon...little!

0:23:250:23:27

I said to her, "Would you like your daddy to make you toasted soldiers?"

0:23:290:23:33

And quick as a flash he said, "Daddy won't, but Mammy will."

0:23:350:23:39

Oh, it still makes me laugh today.

0:23:410:23:44

And that's what you want for Cathy?

0:23:480:23:50

So, how do I look?

0:23:510:23:53

-You look lovely.

-Stunning.

0:23:530:23:55

I'm wearing my tester boobs. I thought I'd try them out on Thomas.

0:23:550:23:58

-But I bit...

-Ha-ha! Winnie!

0:23:580:24:00

Toasty soldiers, I get it now!

0:24:020:24:04

Shut your fu...

0:24:050:24:07

Here, Cathy, give us a demonstration.

0:24:080:24:10

Yeah, show us how it works.

0:24:100:24:12

This mightn't be the right time now.

0:24:120:24:13

-Because I bit...

-Winnie!

0:24:130:24:15

Hello, Thomas. What are you doing here? I was just heading out.

0:24:180:24:22

Could I have a moment...in private?

0:24:220:24:25

Sure, we'll go on ahead.

0:24:250:24:26

Follow us down, Cathy. C'mon, let's go.

0:24:260:24:29

Sit down, Thomas. I'm glad you called.

0:24:360:24:40

Actually, I have a surprise for you.

0:24:400:24:43

Oh, shit!

0:24:430:24:44

A surprise, really?

0:24:460:24:48

What do you think of this?

0:24:480:24:49

PFFFRRRRTTT!

0:24:490:24:52

Look, Cathy, I've been trying to ask you something all week.

0:25:000:25:03

I know, it's difficult to get some privacy in this house.

0:25:030:25:07

But we're alone now, Thomas, so what is it?

0:25:070:25:09

Wait...

0:25:100:25:12

Does this turn you on?

0:25:130:25:15

PFFFRRRTTTT!

0:25:150:25:17

-Well, not really, no.

-Go on, Thomas.

0:25:220:25:25

Well, Cathy, love is a strange thing.

0:25:260:25:29

Yes, it is.

0:25:290:25:30

PFFFRRRTTT!

0:25:300:25:32

And one can never foresee who or what we will love.

0:25:320:25:36

No, we can't, Thomas.

0:25:360:25:37

I mean, I never dreamt I'd meet anyone as warm and as gentle as you.

0:25:370:25:42

-Hiya!

-Oh, piss off, Rory!

0:25:420:25:45

Go on, Thomas, warm and gentle is me.

0:25:460:25:48

PFFFRRRTTT!

0:25:480:25:50

Well, to get to the point, Cathy,

0:25:500:25:52

I've been offered a wonderful position in a university in America.

0:25:520:25:56

That's fantastic.

0:25:560:25:57

And I was wondering...

0:25:570:25:59

-Yes?

-Will you...m...

0:26:010:26:03

mind my dog for me?

0:26:030:26:05

Oh, Thomas, I've never even considered marriage and now...

0:26:050:26:10

Your dog?

0:26:120:26:13

Yes, just for a year.

0:26:130:26:15

Thomas, I have been a loyal and faithful girlfriend.

0:26:150:26:20

PFFFRRRTTT!

0:26:200:26:22

I am an attractive and intelligent woman.

0:26:240:26:27

PFFFRRRTTT!

0:26:270:26:29

With more to offer than any man knows.

0:26:290:26:32

PFFFRRRTTT!

0:26:320:26:34

For the last year, I have been a loving and caring partner...

0:26:350:26:40

PFFFRRRTTT!

0:26:400:26:41

And now you want me to mind your dog?!

0:26:410:26:47

I'm not so sure now.

0:26:470:26:48

Thomas, good luck in America.

0:26:510:26:54

And as for your dog?

0:26:540:26:56

Why don't you cover him in butter and shove him up your arse!

0:26:560:27:01

PFFRRTT! PFFRRTT! PFFRRTT!

0:27:050:27:08

Now get out!

0:27:090:27:10

PFFFRRRTTT!

0:27:140:27:16

Well, it's been a hectic week.

0:27:270:27:29

But you know, not everything has to be a feckin' drama.

0:27:290:27:32

Cathy's heart is broken, but that can be fixed.

0:27:320:27:34

And Rory did damage the car for the driving school,

0:27:340:27:37

but that can be fixed.

0:27:370:27:39

You'd be surprised what can be fixed with a little love and tender care.

0:27:390:27:43

And a puncture repair outfit.

0:27:440:27:46

SHE CACKLES

0:27:460:27:48

OK, I've got to stop... stop the fuckin' thing! Stop it!

0:27:500:27:53

Stop it! Good night!

0:27:550:27:57

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

0:28:000:28:04

# As the best mum of all She wears the crown

0:28:050:28:10

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

0:28:110:28:15

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

0:28:150:28:17

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

0:28:170:28:23

# She's Mrs Brown

0:28:230:28:26

# That's Mrs Brown

0:28:260:28:29

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

0:28:290:28:32

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0:28:320:28:34

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0:28:340:28:37

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