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This programme contains strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
This programme contains adult humour | 0:00:06 | 0:00:10 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:00:10 | 0:00:11 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys! | 0:00:11 | 0:00:15 | |
-# She's Mrs Brown -Agnes | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
-# That's Mrs Brown -Agnes | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
# Our Mrs Brown. # | 0:00:21 | 0:00:24 | |
"For sale, set of encyclopedias. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:30 | |
"No longer needed as I married a man who knows every feckin' thing." | 0:00:30 | 0:00:34 | |
Hello, Winnie! Cup of tea? | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
No, I'm grand, love. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
-What's wrong with you? -It's Sharon. She's depressed. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
With all the boyfriends she has, she has no date for Valentine's Day. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
Ah. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:49 | |
They're probably all going out with their wives! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:53 | |
Agnes, what do you do when you're blue? | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
I start breathing again. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
Are you sure you don't want a cuppa? | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
No. I'm heading down the shops to get a Valentine's Day card. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
For who? | 0:01:04 | 0:01:05 | |
For Jacko, of course! | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
Do you want anything while I'm down there? | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
No, Valentine's Day, my arse! | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
Redser asked me one year what I'd like getting for Valentine's Day. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
I said, "Get me something with diamonds". | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
And he got me a deck of fuckin' cards! | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Winnie. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
Hello, Betty. To what do we owe the honour? | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
-Just a quick visit. -I thought so, that's why you didn't wash your hair. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:31 | |
-Cathy was trying to get a book for me. Is she about? -She's inside. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
Any word from the Australian embassy about their emigration? | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
No, apparently it takes a while. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
Course it does. Sure it's on the other side of the world. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:44 | |
Winnie, are you not a bit old for this Valentine malarkey? | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
You're never too old for romance, Agnes. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
I get the card every year. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
And on the night, I wear kinky underwear. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Well, that's me off me fuckin' dinner! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
Which reminds me, | 0:02:06 | 0:02:07 | |
I must get that underwear back from me cousin. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:11 | |
Your cousin's a priest! | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
Don't get me started! | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
-Who was that? -Winnie. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
She's gone down the shops to get a Valentine before Sharon | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
buys them all up. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
I'll get you a cup of tea, love. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
-Oh, Jesus! -You a bit stiff? | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
-I'm a bit old. -Missed the gym again? | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
Yes, that's ten years in a row. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:34 | |
-What's the book, Betty? -It's The ABC Of Sex. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
A, B AND C? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
Three positions? | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Bono's getting to the age where he's starting to ask questions, | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
so I want to be ready. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
There was no book to tell me what to do in my day. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
Well, it's all changed since your day. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Yes, it has, Mammy. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:54 | |
If you were going on a first date nowadays, | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
a man would expect you to perform fellatio. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
Me? Sing opera? | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
He'd have a better chance of getting a blowjob! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
Right, I'm off. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:15 | |
I'll drop this book back to you at the weekend, Cathy. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
No problem. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
Mammy, have you thought about losing a few pounds? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
You are...plumping up a bit. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
You should enter that competition in the newspaper. What's it called? | 0:03:31 | 0:03:35 | |
Oh, the mind your own fuckin' business competition! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
I think you'd do very well in that. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
All I'm saying is fat is not good for ya. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
This is not fat, Cathy. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
This is from all the years of carrying this family on my back. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:49 | |
This is mother's muscle. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
-Oh, I see. -Yes. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
Oh, when I married your father, the two of us were as skinny as sticks. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
It was a wonder we didn't start a fire when we went at it. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
TMI. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:04 | |
-Teemy what? -Too much information. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
KYBCTY. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:08 | |
No, don't get it. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:11 | |
Keep your buckin' comments to yourself! | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
You never wear that lavender dress any more | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
and it used to be your favourite. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Lavender... I don't remember. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Yes, you do. It's up in your wardrobe | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
and you don't wear it cos it doesn't fit ya any more. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
-It shrunk in the wash. -No, it didn't! -It did, too! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
All I'll say is, take that dress out and take a good look at it | 0:04:30 | 0:04:34 | |
and remember how good you used to look in it. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
I'll see ya later. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
You mightn't recognise me, after I've finished me exercises. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:43 | |
-Really? -Yes. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
That's enough of that! | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Tried on that lavender dress today. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
-And? -I got the zip halfway up. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
It was like a straight jacket on me. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
I was right, it shrunk. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:11 | |
It didn't shrink. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
Look, all you have to do is even take a walk every day. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
Say, two miles. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
Two feckin' miles?! | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Yes! You can do it. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
Just walk two miles every day and in a month I bet you'll be in... | 0:05:25 | 0:05:29 | |
Kildare. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:30 | |
..great shape. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:33 | |
Thanks, Sharon. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
Sharon, I believe you've no date for Valentine's. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
Nah, but I'll be all right. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
That's the girl, be confident! | 0:05:40 | 0:05:41 | |
I am. Watch this... | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
Heyare! | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
Whoever can guess what's in this bag can have sex with me | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
on Valentine's night. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:49 | |
A giraffe! | 0:05:49 | 0:05:50 | |
Close enough. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:53 | |
Hello, Winnie. | 0:05:58 | 0:05:59 | |
You just missed Sharon getting a date for Valentine's night. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
Oh, I'm glad. Who is it? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
-That skinny little fellow over there. -Oh, right. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
You'd better tie a plank across his arse or we'll never see him again. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
-Mammy! -Sorry. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
Here, Winnie, the jackpot at the bingo's going to be 2,000 euro on the 14th. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
-We'll have a good night that night. -On the 14th, Agnes? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
-Yeah. -I can't go with ya on the 14th. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
That's Valentine's night and Jacko's taking me out. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:26 | |
Excuse me. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:27 | |
You'll have to go on your own, pet. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
Jacko's taking me into town for tea and biscuits. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
For feck's sake! | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
I'm so looking forward to it. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
I've never given blood before. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Just as well it's not a four-course meal. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
Might have cost you a fuckin' kidney. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
Valentine's Day, it's making me laugh. Even Grandad has a date. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:58 | |
That's it, Mammy. That's the goal you need. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
I need a goal? Now who am I, David Beckham? | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
You should have a date for Valentine's night. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
And your goal would be to fit into that lavender dress by then. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:11 | |
That's a great idea, Cathy. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:12 | |
It's all right for you, Winnie, you have man. Even if he's in and out of hospital all the time. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:16 | |
Where would I get a feckin' date? | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
Off the internet. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:20 | |
Jesus, no, Cathy. With my luck I'd end up with a buckin' virus. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:24 | |
My cousin got a thing off the internet | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
and the legs were all bandy. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
She got a date with someone with bandy legs? | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
No, it was a coffee table! | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
I'll arrange it and all. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
I'll just put your photo on the net and we'll see what happens. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
If you get any offers, you can pick the one you want to go out with. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
You might get a man like Jacko off the internet! | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
You wouldn't get a man like Jacko with a fuckin' fishing net. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
I think it's a great idea - Mrs Brown going on a date. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
Well, I don't. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
We're talking about our mammy here. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
Mammy...on a date? | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
No way, Cathy, Mammy can't go on a date. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
It's...not normal. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
MRS BROWN SNIGGERS | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
You could do with clipping your shaft. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Oh, Winnie, I see you've found Betty's book. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
It's amazing what you can do with a bicycle pump and a Kit Kat. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
There's a man in here holding a woman like a wheelbarrow. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:35 | |
Go on a couple of pages, | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
there's a woman holding a man like a one-armed bandit! | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
And she's going for the buckin' jackpot! | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
Can you imagine me doing that feckin wheelbarrow thing with Redser? | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
"Slow down, slow down! Take a left at the next lights!" | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
"Oh, Jesus, don't go past me mother's!" | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
-It's just not right. -And why not? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:09 | |
Because...she can't! | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
Mammies don't go on dates. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
They... They play bingo. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
Well, excuse me, Dermot, | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
but Mammy is a person and a woman and a woman has needs. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
Well, excuse me, the whole lot of you. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
Now, Cathy, I haven't decided one way or the other yet, | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
so there's nothing definite. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
And you, son, if I do decide to go on a date, | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
I wont be waiting on your permission. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
Even Grandad has a date. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
That's Mammy's fault. She's given him Viagra. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
You're giving Grandad Viagra, Mammy? | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
-Yes. -Why would you do that? | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
Buster said it would stop him pissing on his slippers. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
-Did it work? -Kind of. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
His slippers are dry. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
He's pissing on the buckin' ceiling now! | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
Grandad, what did I say about these tablets? And I meant it! | 0:10:49 | 0:10:53 | |
Cut down on these now. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:54 | |
I went in to call you in your room this morning, your bed was like a fuckin' tent! | 0:10:56 | 0:11:00 | |
I mean it! Cut down! | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
Or I'm make you mop that ceiling yourself. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
Wait a minute. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:12 | |
I could have a go at this computer thing myself. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
I'm sure I could do just as good as Cathy on the dating. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
Power on. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:25 | |
"Press any key to continue." | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
Any key... | 0:11:37 | 0:11:38 | |
There's no fuckin' "any key" on it. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
Try that one. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
Search. Yes, please. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Search... What... Search for what? | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
"Woman... | 0:12:00 | 0:12:01 | |
"..needs... | 0:12:02 | 0:12:03 | |
"..man." | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
Oh, no...that's fuckin' Wogan! | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
No. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
"Wo-man... | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
"needs... | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
"man." | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
Search. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:22 | |
Ya dirty bastards! | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
"Lady..." | 0:12:43 | 0:12:44 | |
"Lady... | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
"..looking for love." | 0:12:49 | 0:12:55 | |
Search. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
Jackpot! | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
Jesus, they're gorgeous! | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
Now, you see, I'd go out with any of them. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
Now what's the name of that? | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
-Hiya, Grandad. -Cathy, is that you? | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
-Yes, Mammy. -Come into the kitchen, quick. I think I hit the jackpot! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:21 | |
I got on your top top tap top... | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
I got on the Google... | 0:13:25 | 0:13:26 | |
..and I Googled... | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
and I think I found a perfect site! | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
Oh, there's loads of gorgeous men on there, Cathy. I'd go out with any of them. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:36 | |
Oh, fantastic. Right, what's it called? | 0:13:36 | 0:13:40 | |
It's called Dial a Dick. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
Mammy... | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
they're gigolos! | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
What? There's nothing wrong with Spanish men! | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
You pay these men and they come out and have sex with you. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
That's disgusting! | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Jesus.... that's immoral. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
It's wrong, it's just complet... | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick! | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
How much do you pay them? | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
-Here, Agnes, how come you never got another man? -I don't know. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
-I know, you got married for better or for worse. -Yeah, that's it yeah. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:34 | |
He couldn't do any better and I could do any fuckin' worse. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:38 | |
Hello, ladies. Is Cathy or Maria here? | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
-They're up at the bar talking to Sharon. -Oh, I see them. -How's Bono, love? | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
Don't talk to me, Mrs Brown. He has me heart broken. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
The sex education this week, he's asking me question after question. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
I don't know what to be telling him. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
Tell him the truth - he was found under a heavy cabbage! | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
You see, Buster, love is a strange thing. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
-You have to be careful. -I know what you mean. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
Sometimes you need to use two bags | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
in case the one off of her head falls off. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
I mean you have to be careful about where you place your love. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
Oh, I know where to place it, all right! | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
I have one rule. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:21 | |
Never date a good-looking girl, in case she leaves ya. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
But an ugly girl could leave you, too. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
I know, but who cares? | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
I'm going to the gents. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
Me too. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
-All right, love? -Yeah. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
All right, Cathy? You fancy going for a drink sometime? | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
I'd rather stick cocktail sticks in me eyes. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:42 | |
I'll take that as a maybe. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
Any luck on the internet, Agnes? | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
Cathy narrowed it down to three. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
Indigo55, Rayband61... | 0:15:51 | 0:15:56 | |
but the one she picked is HairyHarry66. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
He's coming over to our house on Valentine's night for dinner. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
Well, Hairy Harry sounds interesting. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
Hairy Harry sounds fuckin' hairy! | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
Is there nobody called Paddy any more? | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
You know, you should skip the internet and go for somebody local. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
-Like who? -What about Jimmy McGinty? | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
Would ya feck off! | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
I wouldn't be his type. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:20 | |
What type would that be? | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
Inflatable. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:23 | |
Jesus, these knickers are killing me. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
I can't wait to take them off. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
Well, if you're lucky, you might get someone to take them off for you... | 0:16:34 | 0:16:38 | |
with their teeth! | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Well, you two are all right, going home to a man in your bed. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
BOTH: Yeah. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
Well, excuse me! | 0:16:46 | 0:16:47 | |
It's different when you're married. Isn't it, Betty? | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
Yeah. Very. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Dermot used to be so romantic, but not now. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:57 | |
When will men learn that sex is not romance? | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
Oh, that note, let's drink up and go. Tonight is our night. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:05 | |
Did you hear that, Buster? | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
Not much after she said take them off with me teeth. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
What about Mikey Nolan for a date? I mean, he's a bit of fun. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
Mikey Nolan is feckin' mad! | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Do you remember the community dance? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
And he thought it would be great fun to strip off naked | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
and run around the room when he's nude... | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
with his willy wacking off everything. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
Ugliest willy I've ever seen. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
Looked like a blind carpenter's thumb. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
He had the thing cut off, didn't he? | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
What? | 0:17:45 | 0:17:46 | |
What'cha call that useless bit of skin at the end of a willy? | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
A man. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
The other end. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
BOTH: Foreskin! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
He had a circumvision. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
-There was a chap who lived in our road who used to help the rabbi with that. -Hm?! | 0:18:08 | 0:18:12 | |
Yes, he used to collect all the little bits of skin. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
He used to make things out of them. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
Made my father a lovely wallet. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
It was gorgeous. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:21 | |
If you rubbed it, it turned into a fuckin' suitcase! | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
Maria's right. I do take her for granted. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:31 | |
I need to do something. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:32 | |
A grand gesture, something big. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
A bus. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
What? | 0:18:39 | 0:18:40 | |
I have a friend. He works down the bus station. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
He sells the ads on the sides of them. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
If you want, I can have a chat with him. He could do us a freebie. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
-How big an ad? -As big as you want. I can get you the whole bus if you want. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
Brilliant, I'll do it for Valentine's. Tell him to write... | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
Hang on, Dermo. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
Right, go ahead. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
Maria Brown is the most wonderful wife and mother in the world | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
and I love her. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
How'd you spell that? | 0:19:08 | 0:19:09 | |
Which word? | 0:19:10 | 0:19:11 | |
All of it. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
You won't find them in there. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
I know exactly what you're looking for. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
Now, I'm going to give you jump up Johnny tonight. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:40 | |
Because tonight, I want you to go out and I don't care if you never feckin' come back! | 0:19:40 | 0:19:44 | |
Come on, fetch! | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
Give Smelly Nelly me best. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:52 | |
< DOOR CLOSES | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
-Winnie. -Howya, Agnes? -What are you doing over here? | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
Just came over to wish you luck and tell ya, give him a good seeing to! | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
-Winnie, you know the ABC book? -Yeah. -Do you remember the wheelbarrow thing? | 0:20:09 | 0:20:13 | |
-Oh, yeah! -What did it look like? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
Oh, right. Well, he's here and you're there, or is it the other... | 0:20:15 | 0:20:20 | |
Tell ya what, Agnes. Lie down there and I'll show you. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
-No, no, no. -Agnes, it'll only take a few minutes. -It's not that feckin' important. -Come on! | 0:20:22 | 0:20:26 | |
Winnie, slow down, for fuck's sake! | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
Mammy! | 0:20:48 | 0:20:49 | |
What are you doing? | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
Agnes, if you do that twice a day for a week you'll lose five pounds. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:59 | |
See ya later. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:00 | |
Thanks, Winnie! It was a thing that Winnie saw on WeightWatchers. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:08 | |
-Was it, now? -Do you want a cup of tea? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
No, Mammy, I'm heading over to Betty's. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
Mark has to work late, so she has no date, either. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
OK. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:16 | |
Give you a chance to have the house to yourself for the night. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
Yes. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
This is the first Valentine I remember that you don't have a date. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
I was thinking that earlier. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
You all right? | 0:21:25 | 0:21:26 | |
I'm fine, Mammy. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
YOU'RE the one with the date. Are YOU all right? | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
I'm nervous, but I'm excited. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
Cathy, you know the thong thing? | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
Yeah. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:37 | |
You know the skinny bit, does that go to the front or the back? | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
The back! | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
I fuckin' knew it! | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
I'm flossing the ying yang off meself. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
Cathy, what if he doesn't turn up? | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
Ah, Mammy, he will. He sounded keen. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
He did, didn't he? And I've been practicing me opera. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:04 | |
# Na-hiiiigh, ho-ho! | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
# Liii-ckim! | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
# Naaaay! # | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
That's as far as I get, then I get dizzy. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
Mammy, fellatio is... | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
Hard to fuckin' sing! | 0:22:19 | 0:22:20 | |
Forget it, Mammy. Have a good night. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
Good night, love. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:25 | |
How do you do? | 0:22:34 | 0:22:35 | |
How do you DO? | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
How do you DO? | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
Hello there. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
How do you do? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
Frighten the shite out of him! | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
Oh, do sit down, please, do sit down. Make yourself comfortable. | 0:22:56 | 0:23:01 | |
Oh, don't show me that! | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
I am a virgin! | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
Oh, there's a candle to say I love you. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
And that's a candle to say keep your fuckin' hands to yourself. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
Hello? | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
Yeah, Harry... hello. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
Are ya lost? | 0:23:44 | 0:23:45 | |
Yes. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:49 | |
I see. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:53 | |
No, no, no. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
Well, keep in touch. | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
Oh, lovely. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
He's not feckin' coming! | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
Ooh, hoo-hoo! | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
Hee-hee. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
SHE SNIFFS | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
Shh, Betty! | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
Knock, Cathy, don't just barge in. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
KNOCKING | 0:24:30 | 0:24:31 | |
It's open. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:32 | |
Oh, God, I don't think he turned up! | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
-Hello, girls. -Hiya, Mammy. -What are you two doing here? | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
We were just heading down for a drink. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
We thought we'd drop in on the way to meet Harry. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
-Well, tough luck. -He didn't come, did he? | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
He didn't even arrive, love. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:51 | |
Jesus, is this an invasion? | 0:24:57 | 0:24:58 | |
What are you doing here and who are them feckin' flowers for? | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
You. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:02 | |
I didn't tell ya, but my son didn't know it when he had a good thing. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:07 | |
Happy Valentine's Day. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
They're beautiful. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
I haven't had Valentine's flowers... | 0:25:17 | 0:25:18 | |
ever. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
"Property of St Francis Cemetery." | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
Ya bastard! | 0:25:25 | 0:25:26 | |
You're just looking for another tablet. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:30 | |
Here, off with ya. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
And the next time you're in a graveyard, Grandad, hold on there. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
Save us all the fuckin' walk. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:36 | |
Who's the lucky girl? Molly or Nelly? | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
Both! | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
We're having a threesome! | 0:25:44 | 0:25:45 | |
What are yous doing here? | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
I had to tell ya what Dermot did for me for Valentine's. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
-What? -A bus. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
A whole bus. | 0:25:58 | 0:25:59 | |
And it reads, "Maria Brown is the most wonderful wif | 0:25:59 | 0:26:03 | |
"and mother in the world..." | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
Wif? What's a fuckin' wif? | 0:26:07 | 0:26:08 | |
It doesn't matter. "..and I love her." | 0:26:10 | 0:26:15 | |
Now that's what I call romance. Well done, Dermot. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
-What are you doing here? -It's in the script. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
Well, there's one you can tell your children when you grow up. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:27 | |
"There was a time when I was a fuckin' typing error." | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
Oh, not you two, as well! | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
Howya, Mammy? | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
Oh, my God! Did you see the bus? | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
Isn't it fab? "I love Maria Brown." | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
Not that, the other one. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
ALL: What other one? | 0:26:44 | 0:26:45 | |
Well, it said "Cathy Brown is beautiful | 0:26:45 | 0:26:49 | |
"and she doesn't need her tits blown up!" | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
Who in the name of God wrote that? | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
It's hot in here, isn't it? | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
Not as hot as it's going to be when I set fire to your eyebrows. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:11 | |
Look, I'm delighted to see all of you | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
and I know you're disappointed that my date didn't turn up. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:20 | |
But it's still Valentine's night. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
So, go on, all of you, go out and have a good time. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
Hold on, Buster. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:28 | |
Maybe I will go for that drink with ya after all. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
Mammy, will you be all right? | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
I'll be fine. Go on, off with ya. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
-C'mon, you! -Cathy, can I hold your hand? | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
No! | 0:27:42 | 0:27:43 | |
Baby steps, Buster, baby steps. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:46 | |
Good night. Enjoy yourselves. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
I love to see young people going out and enjoying themselves. | 0:27:56 | 0:28:00 | |
Get up them stairs. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:16 | |
Good night! | 0:28:17 | 0:28:19 | |
# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town | 0:28:20 | 0:28:24 | |
# As the best mum of all she wears the crown | 0:28:26 | 0:28:32 | |
# Mother hen watching all her chicks | 0:28:32 | 0:28:35 | |
# Sassy old lady full of tricks! | 0:28:35 | 0:28:38 | |
# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down! | 0:28:38 | 0:28:44 | |
-# She's Mrs Brown! -Agnes! | 0:28:44 | 0:28:47 | |
-# That's Mrs Brown! -Agnes! | 0:28:47 | 0:28:50 | |
# Our Mrs Brown! # | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:52 | 0:28:55 |