Bunch of Cults Murder in Successville

Hello, I'm Greg James, normally found on Radio One

but today I'll be starring in my very own cop drama.

There's been a murder. I don't know who's been murdered.

There's some suspects, I don't know who they are.

In fact, I don't know anything about anything.

So, join me, as I try and solve a murder in Successville.

Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.

Sometimes our famous faces who live here break the law

and when they do, I'm here to take them down.

I'm DI Sleet, Maverick Renegade cop.

My mother gave me three bits of advice.

Rules are for board games,

never push your grandmother while she's shaving

and you can't make an omelette without smashing some faces in.

Thanks, Mummy.

This programme contains some strong language

It wasn't fair of me to buy that Alsatian

when you didn't want one, but...

Oi, big boy! Wow, look at you.

You look like a sack of shit on a hot day.

I feel like a sack of shit on a hot day, Chief.

Well, what do you expect if you go out drinking all night?

I'm dealing with something I like to call heartbreak, Sir.

Don't care.

I got your new recruit.

Young man, inside. Yes?

Quick as you can, please.

This, is DI Sleet, he'll be showing you the ropes.

-Yes?

-Yep.

-Yes?

-Yes.

-Yes?

-Yes.

Yes, he smells a bit but he's got a heart of gold.

I'll leave you two ladies to it.

Hello, sir.

You earn handshakes around here.

So, justice has a new name and that name is...

Greg.

James.

Let's just stick with justice.

-SLEET CLICKS FINGERS

-Take a pew.

Being a cop is a lonely, lonely business.

We've got to trust each other impeccably.

How do you think you could deal with, say, a hostage situation?

I think I'd... I think I'd be all right.

-You go to Mexico on holiday.

-Hmm.

All of a sudden there's some screaming.

It's a local ho, and her pimp.

GREG SNIGGERS

He's got himself a shotgun and he's going to blow her brains out.

Hey! Hey! Who are you? What you want?

-Where's he from?

-I'm going to kill... What?

-Where's he from?

-He is from Mexico but he's spent a bit of time in China.

-Right.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Who the hell are you talking to over there?

-Don't tell him I'm here. I owe him money.

-Right.

-Hey, what's your problem?

-There's no...

-What is your problem?

-No, nothing.

-Do you know her?

-No, I don't...

-Did you have sex with her behind my back?

-Please stop shouting.

-She's nothing to me.

-Well, then leave her alone.

-I want a million pesos.

-You're going to have to start lower.

OK, how low? Haggle with him, go for 35 pesos.

How about 35 pesos?

Hah, you think I'm stupid?

Put a nought on it.

-What?

-350.

-OK, 350 pesos.

-Right.

And I want a real fast car with shiny on it.

I don't think you're going to get your car. Ah.

Oh, don't do... Oh, dear.

Do you know how many hostage situations I've been in

-that have ended in death?

-No.

362.

But, you get over them, have an ice-cream sundae and get on with life.

So, that's police work, kid. You ready for it?

Oi! Ladies, stop dicking around.

Yes, I've got a job for you.

Reese Witherspoon has been found murdered.

-Is she dead?

-No, no, no. Thank God. She's only been partially murdered.

Of course she's dead, you ten-foot prick.

Now get down as quick as you can to the art gallery.

Oh, is that the scene of the crime?

Yes, Sleet. Stop asking me stupid questions.

Now, quick as you can, yes? It sounds really nasty.

Why can't we just have something normal like a stabbing?

Are you ready for this, boy?

-Yep.

-To your feet.

Let's go...solve...a crime.

We hotfooted it down to the crime scene.

Reese Witherspoon, owner of Successville's biggest

chain of bars, had had her tab closed...

permanently.

Well, well, well. Hello, Coxy.

Hey, Sleet. Good to see you.

-Greg, this is Brian Cox...

-Hi.

..and he's an expert in symbols and shit.

Brian, this is Greg, he's an expert in...

Well, police.

No, you're not an expert in policing, it's your first day.

-Um...

-Don't start writing cheques that your body can't cash, kid.

Sleet, we've got quite the amazing thing here.

Reese Witherspoon has been killed but, this isn't just about murder.

This goes deeper.

Come down...

into the jungle.

The what?

So, your first dead body.

It's a hell of a thing, kid.

Nothing can prepare you for seeing a dead body

and the feelings it might arouse.

I remember my first.

It was a prostitute who'd been shot 72 times.

GREG LAUGHS

Would you still laugh if you heard that that prostitute was my mother?

GREG CONTINUES TO LAUGH

When you're quite finished laughing.

Are you finished laughing?

I'm so sorry. I'm so disrespectful to your... Sorry.

I haven't done this before. What's the...

What is... What do you do?

Just go with your instinct and...

just enjoy yourself.

That's the main thing.

Take a really good look.

-Go on, have a look, kid.

-Yep.

There she is.

Oh, my God.

That's a grim one.

She does look peaceful though.

Well, she's dead.

-Tranquil.

-All right, Brian.

Before we go any further, check her handbag.

OK. Well,

two leaflets.

An Order of Service from the Church of the Actual Madonna.

And what do we have here?

"Virtue has a veil. Vice a mask."

This goes deeper than I thought, riddle upon riddle.

Enigma upon enigma.

It's amazing.

It's not amazing, is it...?

Yeah, it's not really... He...everything's amazing to him.

If you don't mind, Coxy, I'll leave you alone with

your weirdness and your dead body.

I'll see you soon, old friend.

-See you soon.

-See ya.

Bye.

This was a tough case.

Like a rundown fairground, there wasn't much to go on.

We went with our only solid clue and headed to

the Church of the Actual Madonna to talk to Reverend Gary Barlow.

-Ah.

-Well, hello, your highness.

I'm DI Sleet, Murder Successful Squad.

This is my new partner, PC Greg James.

We've got some questions about a murder. Mind if we...

-take a seat?

-Of course, yes.

Would you like a cup of tea, perhaps?

Oh, that would be very nice.

Yes, please.

-Here we are, Greg.

-Thank you.

Short for?

-Gregory.

-Yes. Here we go.

-I never knew that it was short for Gregory.

-Yeah.

Perhaps you'd care to say grace, Detective Sleet.

I'm sad to confess that I'm no Catholic.

I worship a three-armed serpent by the name of Hebra.

It's an angry and complicated religion that requires me

to be partially circumcised and go around town kicking pigeons.

Yes, I have heard of it.

Well, perhaps if Greg doesn't mind, you could say grace.

We say it over everything here, even cups of tea.

Barlow, we've got more important things to talk about,

like those Jammie Dodgers.

Any chance of me getting in on that sweet action?

I'm afraid not, Detective.

Those Jammie Dodgers are there as a warning, a warning for me

to never return to my gluttonous, fatty past.

Back in 1996, I ate a lot of those dodgers.

They cast a spell over me.

"Eat me, Gary", they said. "Eat me!"

"Eat me, Gary!

"Shove me in your mouth. Chomp!"

"Swallow me down!"

But I beat them.

Now, I keep them there as just a reminder to never become

a fatty bastard again.

Oh, I'm thinking of jazzing up a couple of the hymns.

Would you indulge me?

-Absolutely.

-I've got a smashing idea for a contemporary

reworking of All Things Bright And Beautiful.

-Do you know it, Greg?

-I do know it.

-You do know it?

-I know the first bit, yeah.

OK. All right, well, that's all we need. Let's give it a go then.

# All things bright and... #

Bit higher. It's a very high version, if you could.

Can you give me the note.

All... but a lot higher than that.

-All.

-All.

-All.

-Little bit higher.

-All.

-Little bit higher.

All.

# All things bright and beau... #

Lower.

# ..tiful, all creatures great and small. #

Very good, now could we try it a little bit more...

I suppose you'd say, urban.

I'm not very urban.

Could you try jungle?

-Try a jungle one.

-I've heard it's massive.

I'd actually like to hear that, weirdly.

GREG STARTS TO BEATBOX

HE RAPS: All things bright and beautiful.

Bit edgier.

IN JAMAICAN ACCENT: All creatures great and small.

Oh, very nice. Could you go more Jamaican?

All things wise and won-der-ful The Lord God made them all.

-GREG BEATBOXES

-Very good.

Well, I didn't come here for recitals, Barlow,

I came here to ask some questions.

Reese Witherspoon's been murdered

and this was found in her possession.

Reese Witherspoon.

Oh, that poor girl.

She was a gambling addict, you know that?

Been going on for years.

She was up to her ears in debt.

Damn it to hell, I hate gambling, I hate it so.

Not as much as I hate it, Sleet.

I bet I hate it more.

Ask about the flyer, boy.

We found this flyer in...

Ah, say it in a more...tough way.

DEEP VOICE: We found this flyer, in Reese's handbag.

What do you know about it?

Let's have a look.

-No, no.

-OK.

Well, I...

"Virtue has a veil."

Ooh, it looks very grim stuff to me.

Well, I haven't seen that flyer before, especially

but, there was a fellow who came in to confession about a month ago.

He confessed to being part of some kind of a cult.

I don't remember everything he said, he was talking very fast.

He was rather het up.

But he said that this cult is trying to wipe out

all vices in Successville.

If you wipe out all vices from Successville,

how are people going to hold things steady on work benches?

No, vices, as in fornication, drinking, gambling.

That actually makes more sense. Make a note of that, boy.

Anyway, I better be off.

Confessions are starting in a minute and if I don't get in there,

they'll muck up that booth, the dirty bastards.

Whoa! Thank you, your highness.

It's been educational and religious.

Thank you. Lovely to see you.

Best of luck with the case.

I hope you get whoever's done this terrible, terrible thing

and thanks for the jungle, it was very enlightening.

See you in a bit, Jeez. Bye, guys.

I'd showed Greg how I handled death and murder suspects.

It was now time to show him how I handled something really terrifying.

This is where the love of my life resides,

in the flat above the shops.

Helen loved me so much she...

couldn't stand to be around me.

It burnt her up inside, so she'd often lock me out of the flat,

or kick me away.

I might give her a phone call, speak to her.

Is that OK with you?

-Now?

-Yeah, now. That OK?

Does she mind you calling her?

Well, I've got a new number, so she probably won't know it's me.

-Here we go.

-LINE RINGS

What?

GREG LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I'm uncomfortable with this. I shouldn't...

'Hello?'

'Hello?'

-Abort, abort. Who the hell was that?

-PHONE RINGS

Wait there, wait there, they're calling back.

Oh, Christ, don't answer.

Oh, no, if we don't answer it's going to go straight to voicemail.

We need to answer. Right, you answer.

-I don't want to, I don't want to answer.

-Answer.

-Pretend your name is Wilson Cobb, you're a...

-Who?

-Wilson Cobb.

You're a travelling salesman, going round the country,

buying odds and sods from people.

-Are you OK with this?

-No-one does that.

You're going to have to do it now.

-'Who is this?'

-Hello.

-'Hello?'

-Hello.

Yeah, it's... this is Wilson Cobb calling.

'Why did you call me and hang up?'

It's cold, I've got very jittery fingers.

Sorry. SLEET MOUTHS

'What did you say your name was? Wilson Cobb?'

Wilson Cobb. Unbelievably, that is my name.

(Explain what you do.)

INAUDIBLE SPEECH ON PHONE

I'm actually a travelling...

buyer.

'OK, OK, listen, you might well be doing me a favour now, Wilson.

'I'm living with a new bit of skirt at the moment

'and her ex-husband's rubbish is all over the place, yeah?

'I need to get rid of it.

'I was thinking about burning it all, but if I can make a few quid...

'Why not? Do you want it?'

What have you... what have you... sorry, what I... What have you got?

'I have got a drawing of a duck holding a present.'

-Oh, yeah, I did that.

-A duck holding a present?

Yeah, that's my drawing.

What did you draw that...?

'What are you giggling about, Wilson?'

I saw it. Once I was just walking down the street

and I saw a duck holding a present and I really just...

I took a picture and then I drew it.

-It's a beautiful piece of art.

-'Hello? Hello?'

Wait, you took a photo of it first and then you took it home

and drew a picture of it?

-Yes.

-'Hello?'

Say you want it, it's a very good piece of art.

I, I... Does it, sorry, does it come with the original photograph?

'No, my friend. It's all I have. There's no photo with it.'

OK. He's got the original, not the negatives.

'It's not a bad picture of a duck, actually,

'if it's the kind of thing you're looking for.'

-Yeah, we definitely want that.

-Yeah, definitely want that, please.

'Well, good. I've got an antique robot.'

(That's Kevin, that's Kevin. I need him. Ask him... ask how he is.)

-'It's an antique robot.'

-How is... how is he?

'What do you mean, how is he?'

Working? Is he... what condition is he in?

'Well, no, he can't walk any more and he's got a few scuffs.'

DI SLEET WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

-Well, what do you mean? What do you mean scuffs?

-What's happened to him?

'Well, he's got some dents. I was kicking him around one day...'

-Why were you kicking him?

-Kicking him?!

'That's neither here nor there, Wilson Cobb.'

You fucking piece of shit. You piece of shit!

You piece of shit!

'Who is this big, useless piece of shit, now?'

Yeah, I'm here too. You leave my wife alone.

Leave her alone.

She doesn't love you, she loves me.

-'Eh?'

-She loves me, not you.

'I'm coming outside the house right now.'

Abort, abort. Get outta here.

Back to the case in hand.

So, Reese was up to her kazoonas in gambling debt.

By my reckoning, that made casino kingpin Justin Bieber

an odds-on suspect.

Bingo.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr Big, Justin Bieber.

That's right.

I looked at the weather report, you know what it said?

Sleet. I guess it was right.

-Who's this, your girlfriend?

-Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

I just wondered if you were together.

He's a tough guy, straight out of police school. He means business.

I'm going to have to hold him back before he kicks someone's arse...

Yeah, looks like it. Hey, the table's new.

-What is this?

-So, what have we got here?

Whoa! That's private, that's for my office. Those are my accounts.

Yeah, really? Makes for an interesting read.

-What were you doin' in my office?

-I took a big shit in your office.

Why would you take a shit in my office?

I couldn't find the toilet.

Now, listen to this.

-You're in here quite a lot.

-Oh, yeah, he owes me a lot of money.

I'm a good customer.

OK, Reese Witherspoon owes £20,000 casino debt,

account terminated,

skull and crossbone emoji.

Bingo.

Emoji? Where did you get that word from, huh? It's cos she's dead.

I'm going to put skull and crossbones cos she's dead, right?

Do you know anything about these? Ring any bells, J-man?

Oh, my goodness. These are... Some guy's been giving them to my customers...

Why don't you tell her where we've seen these before?

These were in Reese Witherspoon's handbag.

What was that all about, it was a bit camp and weird?

-It was quite strange.

-I was making a point.

Yeah, but do it really macho, cos that was a bit...

You didn't look tough.

These were in Reese Witherspoon's handbag.

Looks like you're going to shit yourself.

Yeah, that was really good. That was tough.

-And if I did, I'd go do it in your office.

-Get out of here.

Show her we mean business.

Throw those up in the air like you really mean it.

This is what you're dealing with.

You want the big stuff, it's raining, it's raining justice.

You better get an umbrella,

cos I'm coming back and I'm bringing the law with me.

Say something cool.

DEEP VOICE: I'll see you later, alligator.

Why are you doing it in that voice? What's that supposed to mean?

"Later, alligator"...? What am I, six?

Were you taking the mick from me there?

Did that come across like he was taking the mick from me?

Yeah, completely, it's like he took your voice...

Yeah, I know what he did, Justin. Come on, boy.

-Sleet, I'll see you next week for tennis.

-See you there.

-All right.

-I just got caught in the moment.

-Yeah, I know you did.

Taking the piss out of my fucking voice.

No murder motive stank as much as making money.

Witherspoon's biggest business rival was one Mary Berry

and this pretty kitty had claws.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, my God, what's this?

Pull yourself together.

Close your mouth.

You never seen a big dick before?

Oi! Cliff, Marcus.

SHE CLAPS

Thank you, darlings, less of the chitchat please.

Ah, darling Sleet.

Your usual booth?

No, I'll take a pew right here, if that's all right, Mary.

Hey, droopy nipples.

Fetch Detective Sleet his usual cocktail.

That won't be necessary, I'm here on business.

Hmm, who's the chicken?

You do like them young, don't you?

I...don't know what she means by that.

This is Greg James. He's new to the force.

Greg, Mary Berry.

Hi, Mary.

Don't be afraid to stare, Greg.

We're in the staring business around here.

I expect you've got an erection like a miniature Toblerone right now,

haven't you, Greg?

Hey, let's not start comparing his erection

to the size of various chocolate bars.

He's a good kid from a nice part of town.

OK, Mary Berry, come on.

So, what's on your mind, Sleet?

Reese Witherspoon is dead.

Yes, so I heard. Can't say I'm upset.

Those Witherspoon bars were luring away my customers.

With Witherspoon out of the way,

this place might just stand a chance.

You're a cold-hearted piece of shit, Mary.

GREG LAUGHS

Something funny, Greg?

No, sorry, I was just thinking of Toblerones.

How about you keep your mind on the case?

Ah, here's your cocktails.

I must say it's very hospitable of you to give us both a drink.

Oh, God.

Most murder suspects aren't quite as lovely.

Well, hold the horses.

Is that Barry Walnut?

How long's he been back in town?

Why don't you go and ask him?

Well, maybe I will.

Listen, kid.

I'm going to leave you here with Mary.

Just try and get some answers out of her.

Thank you for the drink.

Hey, come on.

Now, what was it you wanted to ask me?

It's some questions about the murder.

Oh, before we do, why don't you stand up for me?

Let me take a look at you. I love a man in uniform.

Don't be shy, that's wonderful.

Now, just do a little twirl. That's it.

Do a little twirl, get those shy little hips moving.

That's right.

Now, show me if you can touch your toes.

Touch your toes.

That's a good boy, that's wonderful.

And while you're there, you can go all the way down, come on,

bend your knees.

That's lovely.

Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie.

You wanted to ask me something.

-Yes, I do, it's a question.

-What the hell's going on here?

Katie! Get to your feet, have some dignity.

-Did you ask the question?

-I didn't get a chance, she made me dance.

Hey, I don't want to hear your life story. Get the question out, boy.

Where were you on the night of the murder?

Well, I was in here, like I always am.

Maybe you'd like to explain these?

Ah, yes.

Some lunatic has been placing those on every table in here.

Apparently, it's some anti-sin cult.

Now, look, I'm a very busy lady

so, if you've no further questions then I'd ask you to leave.

Hey, Greg. Why don't we say goodbye the old-fashioned way?

I'll see you later, Mary Berry.

-Hey, why do you keep doing it in my voice?

-I don't...

Just do it in your own voice.

It sounds like you're doing an impression of me in front of Mary.

Oh, fuck off, gay boys.

-Come on. You completely ruined that moment.

-I'm sorry.

I hope you're proud of yourself. I really do.

Get off me. We'll talk about this in the car.

I'm absolutely furious with you.

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

I sent Greg to talk to a street weasel informer

while I made an important phone call.

Yeah, I mean it did say three for the price of two

and I was hoping to eat three pizzas.

Hello?

Hello, I'm looking for Dynamo.

Who's asking?

Sorry, I'm a policeman, I'm Greg James.

OK. Why don't you basically tell me why you're here?

I want to know what you know about the murder of Reese Witherspoon.

OK.

So, I do know some stuff about that and I'm going to tell you,

but I'm going to have to tell you

through the power of psychic transference.

So, what I need you to do is just to sort of like, open your mind

and close your legs...

and now close your eyes.

OK, and just...

it'll just happen through psychic transference basically.

(Dynamo's coming.)

(His spirit is in the air.)

(Like a little girl, he speaks in your dreams.)

(He basically says that the cult are meeting in the woods at nine.)

Whoa, God!

Jesus Christ.

What? Who's meeting in the woods at nine?

I don't know. I don't know, I didn't hear... Did you hear that?

You said it.

No.

Yeah.

OK. So, as a final thing,

just tell everybody what card are you thinking of?

-What, what?

-What card?

Like a playing card?

Yes, like a playing card. Jesus Christ, Greg.

-Three of hearts.

-No. Next one.

-Ace...

-No, next one along from three of hearts.

-The four of hearts.

-Exactly. Thank you.

What do you mean, "thank you"?

Thank you very much. I'm grateful.

We were certain that the cult leader was our killer, but who was it?

Barlow, Bieber or Berry?

My watch said justice o'clock.

THEY CHANT Oh, my God, what is this?

Shh, pretty boy, shush.

THEY CONTINUE TO CHANT

Looks like all roads lead to Weirdsville, kid.

Any money that the leader of these freaks is responsible

for the killing of Reese Witherspoon.

A...gui...le...ra...

You'll have to go in there, kid. Be one of them.

Huh?

You're going to have to go in there.

Mirror every move that they make.

At the opportune moment, I'll make a sound

and you'll know I'm coming.

OK, kid, let's go solve a...

-Crime.

-Yes.

Go get them, baby boy.

A...gui...le...ra.

A...gui...le...ra.

A...gui...le...ra.

A...gui...le...ra.

A...gui...le...ra.

Silence. Sacred staffs to the side.

I accidentally left mine on the train.

I'm very sorry.

It won't happen again.

You'll have to go to lost property.

Yep.

And now the offerings.

Proceed to the altar.

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

Sorry, guys, is it height order or...?

Shuffle complete.

And now, the sacrifice.

-Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

-Freeze, mother-loaders!

On your knees.

Yeah, you know who I am.

We don't know.

I'm DI Sleet, and this isn't one of your freakazoids.

This is my partner.

Introduce yourself, kid.

I'm Greg James.

-PC Greg James.

-PC Greg James.

Yeah, that's right. You bunch of freaky weirdos.

We were on to you all along. Yeah, we're the law.

Say something cool.

Yeah, we're going to fuck you up.

-Yeah.

-Maybe.

OK, kid. Who do you think the leader is?

Behind that mask...

-I think it's Gary Barlow.

-Why?

He was really weird when we met him and he...

he doesn't like vices,

he doesn't like gambling.

He doesn't like stripping

and that's why,

Gary Barlow killed Reese Witherspoon.

(Tell him to unveil himself, boy.)

Take off that mask, Gary Barlow.

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

Dah!

Well played, Detective.

Yes, I killed the dirty, gambling hussy.

This town is riddled with vice.

I had to take control,

cos when little boys don't take control, then they become fat.

Fat Gary! Eat me!

-Eat me!

-Shut up, fatso!

Bravo! Bravo, Greg. Officers, seize that man.

Yes, Greg, I'll be honest with you.

When you walked into my office, yesterday morning,

I thought you were the most useless sack of shit

I'd ever seen in my life.

But today, you just pulled the bollock out of the bag.

Yes, of course it was Gary Barlow. Yes, why?

Because he was the one who had the motive.

He wanted to rid the town of sin.

-I hate gambling.

-Not as much as I hate it, Sleet.

Yes, and the crucial piece of information

which you obviously noticed, yes?

Was the red writing paper in his office.

Yes?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, we noticed.

-That was the clincher for me.

-You noticed that?

-Yeah.

-We both did.

Good boy. You did well.

Young man, you've got a promotion.

-I'm proud of you, big boy.

-Hey!

Chief, how about we get a curry and a pint to toast Greg's good news.

Love to, Sleet, but I'm afraid I'll be taking a rather large shit.

Maybe another time.

I'll hold you to that.

Hey, Greg, you've earned that.

Thank you.

Come on, boy. Let's go get a drink.

MUSIC: When The Going Gets Tough by Billy Ocean

# I've got something to tell you

# I've got something to say

# I'm gonna put this wheel in motion

# Never let nothing stand in my way

# When the going gets tough

# The tough get going

# I'm gonna get myself 'cross the river... #