Mayor the Force Be with You Murder in Successville

Hello. I'm Dermot O'Leary, off the telly, but today,

I'm starring in my own cop drama.

I'm going to be a detective and try and solve a murder.

Now, I've no idea who's dead, who's done it or what's about to happen to me,

but wish me luck because I'm off to Successville.

This programme contains some strong language

Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.

Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law,

and when they do, I'm here to take them down.

I'm DI Sleet.

There's three things you need to know about me.

1 - I hate crime.

2 - is the type of diabetes I have. And 3 is the time I start drinking.

Another pint of rose, please, bar keep,

and here's a shilling for your troubles.

MUTTERING

Oh, Jesus Christ! It stinks in here!

What is that?

Oh, that could be my body odour, sir, or maybe my, my arsehole.

Also there's a family of rodents, I think they're rats or mice,

living in this place.

This place is a rubbish tip!

I'm sorry, Chief.

You'd better get your act together. Um, O'Leary...

Yes?

Quick as you can, come on. Careful, police property.

Um, this is DI Sleet, yes.

I want you to listen to everything he tells you.

Unless he's talking complete bullshit, which is

95% of the time, in which case, tell him to fuck off!

-Thanks, Chief, thanks for chatting as well.

-Yeah, thank you.

Take a seat.

This is going to require sitting down and thinking.

I always think better when my brain's warm.

Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

OK, O'Leary.

I'm going to enjoy working with you, boss, I'll learn a lot.

You're not here to enjoy yourself, but if you do enjoy yourself

at the same time as solving crimes, well, touche to you, sir.

Just so I'm clear in my new job, we're solving a murder, right?

If there's a homicide, I will be solving it and you will be my...

Helping you.

..my boy, my best boy.

So I'm your Batman, I'm your... I'm with you all the way.

-No, I'm your Batman, you're my Robin.

-Robin, yeah.

Don't you dare try to be Batman, you're a long way off!

No, I meant, I'm like your valet, I'm your sidekick.

Well, yes, I mean, but you won't be able to drive my car.

How many cases have you got on the go at the moment?

37.

What's going on with them?

Are you here as a clerical assistant, or to watch how I teach?

Well, I want... let's solve some crimes.

O'Leary, listen, sometimes we just sit here and stare.

What would you want to stare at?

Just, do I have an option?

I usually sit and stare at that old TV.

It hasn't worked since 1983, but...

-Yeah. Er...

-Put your feet up, I'll allow it this once.

Now we just sit and wait for a crime to be committed.

What the hell?! Get your feet off the desk!

What do you think this is, a doss house?!

Just, just learning from the best.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't drop me in it, O'Leary.

I told you not to listen to him when he talks bullshit.

Now listen up, you two, I've got a little job for you.

Yes. There's an emergency, the Mayor's PA, Amanda Holden,

yes, has been murdered.

I need you to get your fat arse down to forensics

and take Timmy Tiptoes here with you.

Wow, he's really fired-up about this one.

He's in a really bad mood.

No, he's actually in quite a good mood.

-Holden?

-Holden's dead and we must find her killer.

All right, yes.

Dermot, let's go solve a crime.

Yes!

Bingo! We had ourselves a murder.

O'Leary was keener than a mouse at a French market.

Time to see chief pathologist, Lana Del Rey.

This is the victim.

Cripes, wow, Jesus!

Oh, wowser! Lana, so how did she die?

She looks like she was shot?

Well done, Dermot. Very observational of you.

Well, make a note of that in your book.

Well, I think you should, um, have a look at this,

it's a VHS that was found with the body.

Some of the kids in my block have got one of these.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, Jimmy from the flats. It's, er...

Pretty much all the rage. Boss, it says on it...

"Cowell Kidnap Tape."

What? Play it immediately. Get it on, Lana, quick!

Time is of the essence.

Um, it's very simple, I've been taken hostage.

You've got 24 hours to deliver £5 million

in unmarked bags to the bins outside Biba's Casino

or I'm going to be blown to smithereens.

Damn it! Damn it to hell, O'Leary!

That's not good, that's not good at all.

Looks like Holden was just the appetiser.

-Ah-ha.

-Mayor Simon Cowell is our main course.

Do you think Holden got in the way of the people trying to

kidnap Cowell?

Well, yes, I do now you've said it.

Make a note of that, O'Leary.

Yeah, yeah, OK, "Holden got in way."

Lana Del Rey, where... Did the VHS come with the body?

-Uh-huh.

-OK.

Is there any other clues on the body that we need to know?

This was found at the crime scene...

It's a visitors' log book.

From the Mayor's office?

-Uh-huh.

-Thank you, Lana.

Three people were seen visiting the Mayor that night.

Jessie J, 8.45. Miley Cyrus, 8.30. Alan Sugar, 8.00.

-They're our three suspects, boss.

-Exactly, Dermot. Right, you drive.

I'm going to have a few beers, get my head round this thing.

-Excellent.

-Thanks, Lana.

-Thanks, Lana.

-Hm.

-See you soon.

So, what's the plan?

We're going undercover, kid.

My name is going to be Elsie Pickles.

I'm an elderly woman seeking a new home.

-Uh-huh.

-You're my nephew, Ronald.

-Why are we going undercover?

-Because that's what we do, we're cops,

we go undercover and investigate things.

-No, I just thought we could just go, go and speak to her?

-No.

-OK.

She will be on to us straight away and she'll clam up,

that's what suspects do.

-Gotcha, I hear you.

-You up for this?

Let's go and be cops.

Let's go be cops.

Oh.

Hello, everyone, hello.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Hello there.

Are you Miley Cyrus?

Well, I ain't Billie Rae! What can I do for you?

Hello, Miley, my name's Ronald Pickles

and this is my old aunt, Elsie.

Hello there.

I'm Elsie Pickles, as he says, I'm an old aunt of his.

You're probably wondering what I've done all my life.

-Well, I used to be a flapper girl, you sees.

-Right.

Then I used all my savings and invested it in baked beans.

I made many millions from it.

And then I lost it all in the great treacle famine.

Elsie's, she's, she's doing well, but...

-Right.

-But she can't manage the stairs any more, can you?

No, that's why I'm in this infernal thing.

Since I lost my Billy.

All right, what happened?

Well, he got the mumps and passed on.

-So many people do, huh?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-It's sad.

-Very sad.

Ronald's got loads of hobbies though, he keeps himself busy.

Great, I mean this, this has been so nice...

Also he has an interest in, in putting ships in bottles.

-Oh, wow.

-And public speakings.

-Great.

-Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Miley, it's your go on the Scrabble.

OK, I'll be like two secs.

Sorry, it's Russell Kane,

he's the oldest member of Success Story's community.

He really loves to play Scrabble, but let me tell you something, ain't

no-one every beat Miley Cyrus at Scrabble, I am amazing at Scrabble.

-Confusing, but true.

-Do you have Police Academy 7?

Police Academy 7? What, Assignment Miami Beach? Yeah, sure, I'll be with you.

These cats love movies more than they love

outdated 1980s technology.

So just like give me a second, right, because they cannot work a VHS.

You know what I mean?

-Well, thank you for all your help.

-Right?

-Yeah.

-You know what I mean, bitches?

-Ain't she a lovely girl?

She's got some form on her, I'll tell you.

Right. She's got a VHS machine!

I think the next part of our plan is about to take part.

I took the liberty of bringing some chocolates for me.

They're laced with a powerful sleeping draught.

If we give one of these to Miley Cyrus, it'll knock her clean out.

Right, then we can have a sneak around the place.

-Find some evidence.

-Gotcha.

-OK.

-Who's giving these to her, me or you?

-You. And try and be sexy when you do it.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, cool.

I think she's single and looking for love.

Sorry about that, guys.

-No problem.

-No problem.

We wanted to bring you something,

just a little token of our appreciation, for you just...

It ain't a bribe or nothing, just some sweet arse chocolates.

Thank you, but I don't eat chocolates, cos I don't believe in them.

Listen, they're the nicest chocolates I've ever eaten in my life.

Listen, I love these things, I do.

But that's rude not to, um...

Get one down you, girl.

Well, like, guys, I'm really not...

Ssh, just...

She really loves, like, wants to be here, and I think she'd

kind of be a little bit insulted if you just didn't try one.

I know, right, but like I'm a vegan, I can't eat...

Whoa, old lady likes her sleep, huh?

-Oh, no, I know.

-While you're here, do you want to sign my petition?

-Yeah...

-Do you know what the Mayor?

He's trying to build a bypass right through this place.

Can you believe it?! I can't even stand to think of it.

I guess he doesn't care about my poor old residents, right?

Thank you so much for signing. PHONE RINGS

Hello? Successful Nursing Home, Miley Cyrus proprietor speaking.

What? No way, you're kidding, that's incredible, are you sure?

OK, thanks for ringing, bye.

-Do you know what that was?

-Tell me.

Every month we have a public speaker who comes here to entertain

and inform our family and he just cancelled.

-Oh, wow.

-He was supposed to be doing a talk on ships...in bottles.

Hold on a dang minute! Are you feeling what I'm feeling?

Dude, this is the best thing that ever happened!

Come on, let's go.

OK, listen up, everyone, turn on your hearing aids.

We've got a guest speaker, he's going

to talk to you about ships in bottles, remember like I promised?

How? When? Why?

You can ask him anything

and he knows everything about ships in bottles.

Are we excited?

Ronald, do this for me, please? Don't let me down, darling, you are so great.

Come on, you can do this, let's go.

Well, hi, everyone, it's very nice to be here.

Er, as Miley said, um,

I am one of the pre-eminent experts in ships in bottles.

So, now I'm sure you're all aware of,

being the certain age you are, of the ships in bottles...

What he say?

Ships in bottles. You know the little ships?

He says he shits in bottles.

Ships, putting ships, like from the Armada, yeah?

Mary Rose, Henry VIII. You understand, yeah?

-Nelson.

-What size are the bottles?

Well, there are various sizes, Russell.

Some of them are kind of a, like a magnum size, for a bigger ship,

but for the most part, the skill is to find a smaller bottle.

Do you need special bottles?

Well, you need, it's not so much a special bottle... Sorry, what's your name, my love?

-Hazel.

-Hazel, hello, Hazel.

It's not so much a special bottle, it's more what you, you have to set it to start with.

Why do you need to put shit in a bottle?

I'm not putting shit in a bottle.

-What's your name, my love?

-You just said you were.

-What's your name?

-Ninette.

-Ninette.

How long does it take?

Well, it depends on the size of the bottle

and the size of the ship, to be honest.

The way you have to, you have to force the ship through,

-SHIP through.

-Can I use the toilet?

That's probably not a question for me, right?

-He's speaking to you, right? So...

-Of course you can.

I can put shit in a bottle.

-Dermot, what the hell are you doing?!

-What do you mean, Dermot?! What?

What's going on here?!

Sister, one second.

-Elsie, what are you talking about, don't blow cover yet.

-It's time to blow cover.

You've almost ruined it, you just fell asleep by eating one of those fucking chocolates, you idiot!

-I couldn't help it.

-Do you stand up, or are you going to sit down?

-I'll stand up.

-OK, ready? Let's blow this case wide open.

I've lost all control of my body.

I'm so sorry, Elsie's had a...

It's all right, like, why is she calling you Dermot, right?

Well, what happened, she's, like I say, she's not...

Well, I'm no woman!

-What?

-I'm DI Sleet, from...

-What the...?

-..Murder Squad...

-What are you bringing in here, you guys?! This is crazy!

Successville.

She's just a bit delusional, I'm so sorry.

Sit down there, Elsie. There you go.

We're cops, Goddamn it, Cyrus!

-You're cops?

-Yeah.

Why didn't you say you were cops? What's this shit about?

You've made an enemy of one of the most powerful men in Successville.

How did I make an enemy?

Work my arms, Dermot.

-How did she make an enemy...?

-Both of them, Dermot.

-What did I do? I just...

-What did you do?

-Yeah, what...

You made me mad!

You know what, you're crazy.

You're dressed as an old lady,

you have two pairs of glasses on and you've got a head scarf on.

Screw you, buddy, I'm just a nice old person trying to help people!

-Really?

-Yeah.

-How did you try and help Simon Cowell,

when you pulled past his office the other night?

You know what I did?

I took my petition to Cowell and you know what he did?

He didn't listen, because he don't care about people,

he don't care about the town.

I think we'd be better off without him!

This smells rotten to me.

Exactly, Dermot.

This looks fucking weird!

Save it for the county jail, sister.

-Right...

-Exactly. Wheel me out of here, Dermot.

Get out of here, come on! We've got Scrabble class.

I'm going to open the door for you, because I feel sorry for you,

because this is so Goddamn pathetic!

-I don't want your pity!

-Just try and...

I just want your answers. Don't you cross me!

Don't you cross me!

You're both embarrassing.

The rope's too tight, I can't feel my feet, I need to go to the toilet.

Let's just come to some kind of amicable agreement.

I'm a very influential man.

Here we are. This is Jessie J's place.

Wow!

Yeah, she was my sensei growing up, she taught me everything I know.

Back in the day?

Way back in the day, O'Leary. You must remember one thing...

Mm-hmm?

A relationship with a sensei is based on truth, honour and power.

I need to see you perform a power stance.

-Like this.

-HE YELLS

Oh, like that? Yeah.

No, try another one.

No.

No.

No.

No.

You did that one already.

I know, that's similar but more powerful.

Try one more. "Hap hap."

"Ninya!"

Now you're just making up words.

I'm not, that's Japanese for "hello."

It's not Japanese.

Kimaragnas!

She's going to be offended if you do that.

Rey, hey, hey, hey...!

I don't... I don't think we should do the power moves in there.

-HE YELLS

-Konichiwa!

-Brilliant!

-OK, good, that's a Japanese word.

Yes. And one that I'm sure she'll be impressed by.

-Yes.

-Let's do this, O'Leary.

Hello, Philip.

Hakuna matata, sensei.

Senpai.

We are currently looking into the kidnap of Simon Cowell.

-And a murder.

-And a murder. Thank you.

And the murder of Amanda Holden.

Rumour on the street is you had beef with Mayor Cowell.

I have no gripe with anyone, Sleet.

The world and time are linear to me.

I see and hear all things the world chooses to show me.

Look at this one. Hmm.

Now, young one, you're obviously not at one with this world yet

and that is OK, but listen, let me help you.

Because deep within all of us is a spirit animal, a spiritual guide.

Now, most people don't allow this animal to take control,

-but you must.

-Mm-hmm.

Now my animal is a panther, strong, sleek, unafraid. His...

Mine is a curious goat.

-That was it.

-That's nice.

Well, you know, it's all right, I'm slightly ashamed of it.

You must never be ashamed of your spirit animal.

-Yeah, but it's easy for you to say, you're a panther.

-Why did you pick a goat?

You don't choose your spirit animal, it chooses you.

-Yes, of course.

-We're going to find yours, Dermot. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Shut your eyes. Now clear that little mind of yours.

Now, I want you to think of the second animal that

-comes into your head, not the first one, but the second one.

-Pussycat.

Pussycat, nice. Station him, park him for a bit.

Oh, there's another animal coming along, what's that animal?

-Kangaroo.

-Kangaroo and a pussycat.

-Yeah.

-They're fighting.

-Yeah.

-Who's winning?

-The pussycat.

-Let the pussycat kill the kangaroo.

OK.

-So who's won?

-Pussycat.

-That is your spirit animal.

-Aah, that's nice.

You could've been anything you wanted to

be in the world and you chose a pussycat.

-You're a curious goat.

-Yes, I know, but...

What I need you to do now is call to your guide.

Make the cries of the pussy cat to the heavens,

Sleet and I will join you.

DERMOT MEOWS SLEET BLARES

It's a very quiet pussy cat, Dermot.

Sleet, Sleet, that's great, can we hold the goat for a second?

Keep going, Dermot.

Sounds like a very sad pussy cat.

Or an owl.

Sounds more like an owl, doesn't it?

More like a sort of...

Imagine, just a bit angrier.

HE HISSES

-That's quite good.

-Well, I don't know, it was very catty.

Hmm. Now if you want to ask me any questions, you can

ask me through your animal.

-Do I have to speak in the animal language?

-That's what I said.

"Why were you at Simon Cowell's house?"

I went to see Simon Cowell.

"What was it about?"

Can we stop asking the same question, please?

-Yes, sorry.

-This is a place of respite and I wish to meditate.

Now, I will offer you guys the chance to join me

if you'd so like to. Would you like to?

Yes, we'd love to.

-Take a seat.

-Of course.

Love to.

Meditation, have you done it before, Dermot?

Right.

Now I sense that you two are searching for answers

-on the outside.

-Yes.

PHONE RINGS

-Whose phone is that?

-That's not my phone.

-It's not my phone.

-I gave Philip my phone. It's coming from you.

-Why can I hear it coming from this direction?

-It's not my phone...

It's coming from here! What's going...?

You know my rule about technology, Sleet! Give it to me!

-I'm sorry...

-Dermot, give it to me!

-It wasn't my...

I don't care if it's yours, you're not having it in my fucking dojo!

-I'm sorry.

-Sorry if we've offended you.

And I don't like Simon Cowell trying to get rid of this place to

turn it into telephone towers.

I'm not having it!

I've told him I will defend my sanctuary to the death

and I'll say the same thing to you now.

Seriously, the total lack of respect...

-SLEET YELLS

-Konichiwa!

-What, what is this? What is this?

-These are our power stances.

I get this, this is not powerful at all.

I know, it's weird. He...

Get out of here! I hate you!

OK. Just back out, Dermot, slowly.

-Back out.

-Slowly back out.

Leave me in peace, this is my haven!

You are now a suspect in the murder of Simon Cowell.

I don't care, I'm glad he's dead.

He's not dead, he's been kidnapped. I was trying to fool you.

-Oh, shit!

-Thank you, Philip.

-Go!

-Konichiwa, Jessie.

You know, I like you, I think you're a fantastic personality,

I just don't think this is the way to achieve your objective.

That's all I'm trying to say.

Last suspect was sweet shop owner Alan Sugar.

We had to be quick, because like a badly stocked spice rack,

we were running out of time.

Hello?

-Hello? No-one home.

-No.

-Listen, O'Leary...

-Yeah?

Mayor Cowell was going to close this place down.

Hygiene or some crap.

So they've all got motive.

Oh, yeah. Listen, do you see what I see?

Sugar ain't around. He must be upstairs.

-Yeah.

-Maybe we should get his attention.

Well, no, maybe we should just look around and try and find clues.

Smash, smash this place up a bit. Smash the table.

-I don't want to...

-Let him know we're here! Like really smash it up.

Argh!

We're here!

-PHONE RINGS

-I've got... O'Leary, I've got to take this.

That's, please don't take that call.

I've got to, booty calls.

I'm looking for the truth, Mr Sugar.

Alan? Alan, someone who's smashed up the shop.

Mr Sugar?

You got some sort of problem, boy?

We've got some talking to do.

-And I'm looking for the truth.

-Yeah, well, I'm telling you the truth.

You want to smash my shop up?

Not particularly.

Let's smash, let's smash it up.

Let's smash it up! Come on! Come on!

Let's smash it up!

I appreciate you're a little bit angry...

HE LAUGHS

Have one!

Have one! These are beautiful.

They're great.

What do you want to ask me? What do you want to know?

Have a nice fruit salad. One of your five-a-day.

Thank you.

Yeah. You can eat them...

Why have you got it in for Cowell?

Cowell sent his boys around here, did you know that?!

Health and Safety, rummaging through me stock!

All right, they found a little few things.

Couple of mice. So what's, what's the...?

Few rat droppings in the lemon bonbons.

Couple of fruit salads was way past their sell-by date.

Three years.

That's not a crime, though, is it?

Well, enough to get you shut down.

Is it enough for you to kidnap him? That's what I want to know.

I'll tell you what I know - he don't know nothing about sweets.

And I've got sweets running through my veins!

-I know that.

-Look at me!

I know that.

I'm on my own, I've got nothing!

Open up.

There you go, it's all right. It's all right.

Plenty of other, there's plenty of other sweet shops out there.

Could I have a bit of the strawberry laces?

There you go.

I had everything, now I've got nothing!

There you go, eh?

Time was of the essence.

We headed to the station. For clues? No.

For something a little more important than that.

Come on, O'Leary, follow me.

Phew.

Listen, O'Leary, I know we're up against it time-wise, but, er...

Yeah, big time. We've got like, we've got to save Simon.

Dermot, give me a second.

-There's a bit of a big deal happening.

-Right.

Sid Lowecroft is leaving, um,

this is a little present for his daughter.

-Oh, OK.

-Put this on.

-But he doesn't know who I am.

That's what the whole kick is, he'll get a kick out of the new guy.

He won't get a kick out of it, he'll go, "Who are you?

"Why are you gate-crashing my last day?"

No, he won't, as soon as he walks in, blow that.

Then give him the doll, read out the letter.

-Yeah.

-It's some kind words that I've written down for him.

-OK.

-And then let one of these bad boys off.

Doll, letter, boom.

Bingo. I'm going to go and get the cake.

-Let him know that we're ready.

-You're not in this with me?

No, no, no, no, I'm just going to go and get a cake.

Right, hide under there when he comes in.

-Right.

-Are you ready for this?

-Under there?

-Yeah, under there.

-Under there.

-This is going to be great, he'll get such a kick from this.

Good stuff, Dermot.

Are you ready and settled?

Yeah.

Sid?

-Yeah.

-Hi, Sid, how are you?

-All right, yeah.

-I know we haven't met, I'm Dermot.

-Good, good. You're the new lad?

-I am. I'm Dermot, how are you?

-Good.

-Good to meet you.

-Yeah.

-It's your last day.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

No, it's not.

No, shall I... You're leaving, aren't you?

-You what?

-You're leaving and Sleet said I've got to sort of like, you know,

just give you a surprise and give you presents for your daughter.

-Well, I'm not...

-There we go.

Wonderful. OK, then he's written some words for you.

Yeah, go on.

Yeah, this'll be good. What?

-Go on.

-Oh, man.

"As your sectional manager,

"I've been asked to inform you that your employment has been terminated.

"The following violations have been logged by HR.

"On the 5th June, CCTV caught you going into a woman's locker room

"and pleasuring yourself over Sandra's knickers.

"On 5th July you drove your police panda car

"into Tony's Volvo in the staff car park

"and then jumped on the bonnet screaming,

"'Screw you Tony, you think

"'your dick's so big, you think my wife likes your dick more than mine.

"'Sob sob.' Please hand your badge and your gun in,

"you'll be escorted from the building immediately."

What, you're... What, are you, are you joking?

No, I'm sorry.

This isn't my... I don't, I don't know you, I've never met you before.

He told me to, he told me

you were leaving after 20 years of police service.

What sort of way is this to break this kind of news to someone?

I know, it's shit, man.

HE LAUGHS

Are you taking the piss?

Have you just...? Because it's his first day.

First day? Taking the piss?

Flipping heck, mate, you had, right, so, so it's a joke then, is that it?

-No.

-Isn't it?

Still sacked, I'm afraid, Sid,

I just thought I'd let Dermot hit the ground running.

Put a fun spin on it. You're a pervert, Sid.

You need to get help.

I know.

Right, we have a big case to solve,

-something you're not going to have to worry about now, eh?

-No.

Big cases and police work.

Sleet, don't say that.

I'm really bad at breaking bad news.

Yeah, yeah, no fucking joke!

That's why I thought I'd get you to do it.

Yeah, really fucking funny!

OK, I, I'm sorry, Sid.

Be careful, yeah?

Are we going now?

Yeah, we go. Come on. We'll just leave him here, he'll be fine.

-Good luck.

-Thanks.

Bye, Sid. Sorry.

Don't steal anything while you're here.

I got a call from Bomb Squad, they'd found Cowell.

The only way to deactivate the bomb was

typing in the name of the kidnapper.

Miley, Jessie or Sugar.

Time for a hero!

Dermot O'Leary's here! Get out of the way!

Get out of the way! O'Leary, this is it.

-Yeah.

-Judgment Day.

Hey, everyone, Dermot O'Leary's about to defuse this bomb.

You ready?

-Yeah.

-Do it.

Return?

Return, enter.

Oh, shit!

Jesus!

Oh!

Looks like we need a new mayor.

What in the name of Satan's arsehole is that?!

I told you to save him, not blow him up!

Sorry about that, boss.

Sorry about that?! Is that your fault?

Well, it was O'Leary, sir, he, er, completely went for it.

-He went rogue and started typing things into the computer...

-I didn't go rogue.

-Anyway, you said you 100% trust me, I didn't go rogue.

-Oi, big boy, look at me, yes. Explanation now, yes!

OK, I thought the killer and the kidnapper was Miley Cyrus.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

-Right, why?

She had motive, there was

a bypass going to go through the old people's home.

I thought the old people loved the VHS, she knew her way around a VHS.

And the... And the delivery of the ransom note was in VHS.

You got that completely wrong.

The person you were after was Alan Sugar.

It was obviously Alan Sugar. Why?

The Mayor was going to close Sugar's sweet shop down,

it was all he had, he was a desperate man.

Did you not see the VHS player in Alan Sugar's shop?

-Yeah.

-You did?

-Yeah.

Yes, well, did you not see that the hostage tape was misspelt, yes?

"Kidnapp" takes one P.

You were closer to that than me,

I didn't get to look at that.

-Oh, stop talking, please!

-Hey, don't start blaming me. Don't start blaming me for this, O'Leary!

-Lana Del Rey was...

-That's on your conscience.

The point is, O'Leary, it couldn't have been Miley Cyrus

because she told you...

No-one ever beat Miley Cyrus at Scrabble.

In other words, she could spell!

We should have just questioned her normally.

Well, all right, in retrospect, sorry,

we should have questioned her normally.

-Everything in Sugar's shop was misspelt.

-Oh, I see.

-I've trodden in more intelligent things than you, O'Leary!

-Sorry.

Yeah, you're fired! And it'll probably cost me my job!

-I hope you're happy.

-You should go for mayor.

That's actually a good idea, sir.

You two disgust me.

Fuck me!

Well, every cloud has a silver lining,

even the cloud that is black and smokey,

because it's an explosion with a dead male in the middle of it.

Come on, O'Leary.

I know a place that's open all night long.

-O'Leary's Bar.

-Hey.

-Teddy and Mick run it. Come on.

-They're not related to me, are they?

Well, they won't admit it now!

Hey, look at this guy, remember him?

-Yeah.

-Philip.

-Phil.

-Ha-ha ha-ha, see you, Phil.

-Hey, Phil.

Oh, we're not allowed to use this car now because you've been sacked.

We'll have to walk. Come on.

MUSIC: Cuddly Toy by Roachford

# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby

# Feel for me, baby

# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby

# Feel for me, baby

# And give me some love... #