Janey's Choice My Family


Janey's Choice

Sitcom. Kenzo's father is back on the scene. This is fine by Ben, but Susan has other ideas. And does anyone care what Janey thinks?


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Transcript


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-You've missed a bit!

-My sincere apologies, your Highness.

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Can I fluff a couple of pillows for you?

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That would be lovely.

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Argh!

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Thank you!

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You said you'd help me with the cleaning.

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-Doesn't sound like something I would say.

-I know.

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It's right up there with, "No, please, I insist on paying for dinner."

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-Hi!

-Oh, hello! Did you have fun with Mum and Dad at the zoo today?

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I saw a pigeon.

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A pigeon! Well, that's worth the price of admission.

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-Mummy, please can I go and get a drink?

-Of course you can.

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-Thanks for taking me to the zoo, Dad.

-Anytime, kiddo.

-Aha, Mark!

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-Good to see you again, Ben.

-Yes.

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Give him time. He doesn't know you like we do.

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Well, we're seeing a lot more of you of late.

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Got a lot of time to make up with Kenzo.

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Not all of us could be amazing parents like you, Ben.

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He REALLY doesn't know you like we do.

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No, really, you make being a good dad look easy.

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-Well, I don't like to brag.

-You have to be good at things to brag!

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Right, I'm off then.

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Er, speak to you later, Janey?

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Yeah. Today was lovely. Thanks, Mark.

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Bye, Mark.

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Yeah, bye.

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Good man, that Mark. Glad to see he's stepping up.

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-Do you want something to eat?

-No, Craig's taking me to dinner.

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Oh, really? I'm so glad Craig's found time in his busy schedule

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as a shiftless layabout to let you buy him dinner.

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Have you ever heard the expression,

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"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"?

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No.

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-How about, "Stop talking, or I'll smother you in your sleep"?

-Yeah, that rings a bell.

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All right, Ben-o, how are you, mate?

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-Gainfully employed. You?

-Yeah, well played.

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That's as funny as the first 25 times you said it.

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-Hi!

-Oh, wow, you look amazing.

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You smell amazing, too.

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Well, she's showered, it's an old English custom.

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Hang on a sec. I had something for you here.

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Where did I put it?

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Oh, no, I must have left it somewhere.

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-Oh, my gosh, you are as cute as a kitten!

-Rarr.

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Rarr!

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I guess we'll be off. Nice talking with you.

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-Come by any time, Craig.

-Any time I'm not here, Craig.

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Nice boy.

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I'll really miss him.

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He likes her, she likes him. What is your problem?

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I just think she can do better and one day she'll appreciate me for pointing it out.

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Perhaps you're right.

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God knows, I wish somebody had done the same for me.

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OK, so what can we do for you today, Mr...Best Friend?

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"Best Friend". That's a bit...

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Top of the morning to you, Mr Best Friend!

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-Roger, what are you doing here?

-I came by for my annual cleaning.

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-Which you had two months ago.

-My semi-annual cleaning, then.

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Roger, it is your holiday. Your holiday.

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You don't have to come into the surgery

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and I get to have a pleasant week.

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I don't want to be on my own, Ben. I miss being in a relationship.

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Will I ever find love again?

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Of course you will, Roger.

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-There are lots of desperate women out there.

-You think?

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Somewhere out there, is a hopeless loser who has completely given up.

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But where do I find her?

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Well, one thing's for sure, Roger, it won't be in here.

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-Ah, Mark!

-Hello.

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Come in, come in, what can I do for you?

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Wanted to have a moment, if I could, sir.

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"Sir"! Entree, entree.

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Have a seat? Can I get you a mouthwash? Only joking.

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There was something I wanted to discuss with you.

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-You're a good man, Ben...

-Ben, there are no women out here.

-Out!

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-A man of integrity. Old-fashioned values.

-One tries. One tries.

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And I've been trying my best of late to live up to the values you represent as a father.

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Well, it's a hard act to follow, Mark, hard act to follow.

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Which brings me to the purpose of my visit.

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I've made mistakes in the past but I'm a different man now.

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A better man.

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I'm interested in being more than just Kenzo's father.

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I'd also like to be...

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Janey's husband.

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Plot twist.

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I want to ask Janey to marry me so the three of us can be a proper family.

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Why would you want me living with you?

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-Kenzo.

-Kenzo, yes, sorry! Of course.

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So, from a father who can only hope to measure up to your standards...

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..I'd like your permission to ask for Janey's hand in marriage. Sir.

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-Well, you have it, sir. You have it, indeed.

-Thank you!

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I promise to repay your largesse by making your daughter as happy as you make Susan.

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Oooh, aim a little higher. OK? Little, little higher.

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Craig!

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I'm afraid you've just missed Janey.

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Actually, I came round to talk with you.

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-Coffee?

-Er, sure.

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Yeah, there's something I wanted to discuss with you.

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-You're a good woman, Susan.

-Yes, I know.

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-And beautiful.

-If you insist.

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-They say...

-Milk?

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-Er, sure. Yeah, they say...

-Sugar?

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Er, yeah, yeah.

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They say that if you want to know what a woman will look like when she's older,

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just take a look at her mother

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and standing here with you, I just know that Janey's going to get more and more divine.

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They do say that, don't they?

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Sit.

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Er...

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The thing of it is, I love Janey and I know I don't have much to offer her

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in the way of fancy things, you know? Cars and jewellery.

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But I want to grow old with her and I want to get your blessing...

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to ask Janey to marry me.

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Isn't it traditional to ask the father for his blessing?

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Ah, traditions are made to be broken,

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especially when Ben-o's the father.

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-You have my blessing. Ask away.

-Ah, thank you! Thank you, Susan.

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-I'm going to make Janey so happy.

-And my husband so mad.

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It's a win-win for all of us!

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-Biscuit?

-Sure.

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Hang on.

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You're not going to hit 35

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and metamorphose into some misanthropic misogynist, are you?

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I don't know any of those words.

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Welcome to the family, son.

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-I've got big news!

-Not as big as my news.

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-I don't think so.

-Oh, but I do.

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I bet your news is crap news compared to my news.

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My news will slice up your news like a salami.

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OK, well I had a visit today from a certain gentleman caller of Janey's.

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-You did?

-I did.

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-And did he ask you for something?

-He did indeed.

-And?

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-I gave him my blessing.

-You did?

-I did.

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Oh, Ben. I'm so proud of you.

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I invoke pride in others, 'tis true.

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What's your news?

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-He came round and asked me for my blessing too.

-He did?

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Mm, he did.

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-Are you upset?

-No. It's traditional that the father's blessing carries more weight, but...

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..I thought my blessing would have been blessing enough.

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For a sneeze, maybe.

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-Anyway, let's not argue. This is good news.

-It's great news, the best!

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-Yes. So you're happy?

-Very. You?

-Very.

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I wonder where Janey and Craig will go on honeymoon.

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-Well, I hear Morocco... Janey and Craig?!

-Yes, why?

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-You mean Janey and Mark.

-Mark?!

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-Mark asked for your blessing to marry Janey?

-Yes, and I gave it.

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-But they're not even dating!

-Well, they should be!

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I can't believe you gave Craig your blessing!

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-They're in love.

-So were we and look how that turned out!

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Don't you want Janey to be happy?

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When did marriage have anything to do with happiness?

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I guess I'm sleeping in the spare room, yeah?

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Morning!

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What are you two fighting about today?

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Nothing.

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What makes you think we're fighting?

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You're in the same room.

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-It's just that your m...

-A friend of ours is having a little problem.

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Well, actually, their daughter does.

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Yes, it seems that she's going to get two marriage proposals, from two different guys.

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What a slapper!

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Well, her father wasn't around much.

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Yes, and her mother is an overbearing control freak.

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Apparently this woman has got, to decide between the responsible working father of her child.

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Or a cute, fun-loving Australian.

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SHE CHOKES AND COUGHS

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Mark and Craig want to propose to me?

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Who told you?

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How do you two know this?

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Because Mark, being a proper gentleman,

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came to me and asked for my blessing in the traditional manner.

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And Craig, knowing your father to be an imbecile, asked me for my blessing.

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Wow.

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Well, this is kind of cool.

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Two men want me and it's not even Friday night!

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Tell me, when they do get round to asking, who do you think you'll go with?

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Mark, or Craig?

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-Mark?

-Craig?

-Mark?

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I honestly don't know. It depends on what they have to say.

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How they say it and how I feel when they do.

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I guess my heart will answer for me.

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My guy is going to win.

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My guy is going to win, OK? So in your face, Susan!

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-Stop it, Ben.

-This is not about you and me, this is about Janey's life.

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It's time for us to step back.

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What, so we stay out of it, yeah?

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-Leave the decision to the kids, right?

-Precisely.

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-Completely?

-Entirely.

-Done?

-Done.

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Thanks for the coffee...

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darling.

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You're welcome...sweetheart.

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Susan.

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Ben?

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Who are you calling?

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No-one. Who are you calling?

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No-one.

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Then why did you pick up the phone?

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I was just about to clean it.

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OK. Bye, then.

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Susan...

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-Susan!

-Janey is marrying Craig.

-Over my dead body!

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Oh, fine, we'll find someone else to walk Janey down the aisle.

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-She is marrying Mark!

-Craig!

-Mark!

-Craig!

-Mark!

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Oh, I'm so stupid, I forgot my keys.

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-Ah, lovely.

-Yes.

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-Mark!

-Craig!

-Look, Susan...

-No, you look, Ben.

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I'm going to help Craig put a marriage proposal together that will make Janey swoon.

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-Yes, from nausea, no doubt.

-Oh, you think you can do better?

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Look, I do know a thing or two about asking a woman to marry me. Remember?

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As I recall, you were so drunk you muttered something about two lives becoming one

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before heaving and passing out.

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-As I recall, you said, "Yes."

-I was drunk, too!

-Oh, yeah.

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-Hi.

-Hello, Janey.

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-What's up, Rog?

-Oh, I'm just making the most of my week off.

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-How are you, Janey?

-Yeah.

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Sorry, sorry, Rog, my mind was somewhere else.

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My mind does that too. Slips out for a coffee.

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Never know if it's going to come back or not.

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No, it's just I've got a decision to make.

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A big decision...involving love.

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Urgh.

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Don't talk to me about love. Love and I are...

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HE CHOKES AND GROANS

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Your father said that somewhere out there is the woman for me,

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but where on earth do you start?

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Oh, don't give up hope, Rog.

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The right girl for you could be...

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a lot nearer than you think.

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Dad's in the kitchen.

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-BEN:

-I'd be happier if Roger asked Janey to marry him!

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See you at the wedding...

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Dad! Mum!

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All right, Craig, listen up.

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You'll have to get your head out of the clouds and your arse in gear to win this thing.

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-"Win this thing?"

-I mean, "Make Janey happy."

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I can't tell you how much it means to me, you helping me out.

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It's not that easy for me to express what I'm feeling.

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A man who can't express his feelings, I don't believe it(!)

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Well, I'm here to help.

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Now, I know money's tight, so I've got a ring for you.

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Oh, but I've already got a ring.

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It's simple, modest, it's elegant...

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It's crap.

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Here, this is white gold with an antique amethyst and diamond inlay.

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-Janey will love it.

-Wow. Thanks.

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I can't believe you're being so generous.

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I'm not, it's Ben's. It belonged to his grandmother.

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She and Ben-o must have been pretty close?

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No, he won it off her at poker.

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Now you want to take Janey out to a nice place for dinner to propose.

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No girl wants to be asked the most important question of her life

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at Chicken Cottage.

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Right. Yeah. So what are you thinking, Nando's?

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You know what? I'll make the reservation for you.

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There's a wonderful French restaurant that Ben takes me to whenever he screws up.

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We eat there a lot.

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I guess you'll be wanting to hear my proposal?

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It's still a bit rough.

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Oh, well just let me hear it, and then I'll tweak it a bit.

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Janey...

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..my heart was cold, until your warmth filled it.

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My world didn't turn until you walked beside me.

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You're the sunlight on my face, the air in my chest

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and the beauty in my life.

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There's no words to convey all that I feel for you so, I guess,

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"I love you" will just have to make do.

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Will you marry me?

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Oh, who am I kidding.

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It's all a bit rubbish, isn't it?

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It's a start. It's...

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It's definitely a start.

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I really appreciate your help here, Ben.

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I'm a businessman. I know how to write a contract, not a marriage proposal.

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Mark, just relax, OK?

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When it comes to matters of the heart,

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you're talking to the love doctor.

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What have you got?

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Thought I'd just speak from the heart,

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tell Janey I had feelings for her...

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Even feelings of love.

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No, no, no, that's so been done.

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Come on, what else have you got?

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Well, I suppose I could tell her I've been working really hard,

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had a fair amount of success...

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-earn a six-figure sum, got a boat.

-Dinghy?

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Yacht.

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A chateau in France and a small estate in Argentina,

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which we're really excited about because the winery has had a great first year,

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and we're exporting to America and...

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Who am I kidding?

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Janey won't be impressed by that, will she?

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It's a start. It's...

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definitely a start.

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PHONE RINGS

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Yeah?

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Hm? Chez Maurice?

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No, I've not made a reservation.

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Oh, my wife did.

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Why, what have I done wrong?

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What? Oh, for my daughter?

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It's for Janey? Ah, right.

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I see.

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Yes, thanks very much for calling to confirm.

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-Who was that on the phone?

-Nobody.

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"Nobody"?

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Nobody. Why do you ask?

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-No reason.

-No?

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Why are you acting so strangely?

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I'm not acting strangely. What about you?

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Anything to feel guilty about?

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Why should I feel guilty?

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-You're the one on the phone to nobody.

-Was I?

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-Why are you answering my questions with questions?

-Am I?

-Yes.

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-Really?

-Stop it!

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-I swear you get weirder by the day.

-Do I?

0:17:260:17:29

Mark?

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Thank you, yes, it's me, Sir. Yes.

0:17:520:17:54

Mark, um, listen, meet me tonight at Chez Maurice.

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7.30, Chiswick High Road. Yeah.

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Yes, good boy, good boy.

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This time tomorrow, Janey's going to be the new Mrs...

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..whatever your name is.

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-Craig, is everything OK?

-Yeah, yeah, why wouldn't it be?

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You just seem a little nervous.

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What would I have to be nervous about?

0:18:190:18:22

I don't know. Maybe you wanted to ask me something?

0:18:220:18:25

Ah, well, actually, Janey, the thing of it is...

0:18:250:18:30

I, I, um...

0:18:310:18:32

-Monsieur, are you ready?

-Stop rushing me, please!

0:18:320:18:35

For the love of God, I'll do it in my own time, OK?

0:18:350:18:38

I meant, are you ready to hear tonight's specials?

0:18:380:18:41

Right, er, can you give us another few minutes?

0:18:410:18:45

I will await our next conversation with great enthusiasm(!)

0:18:450:18:49

-So, you were saying?

-Ah, yeah. Janey...

0:18:500:18:54

I, um...

0:18:540:18:56

Janey, you're the most...

0:18:560:18:59

..that I've ever and...

0:18:590:19:01

And I'm, well, you know, for the most part and since we're both, you know?

0:19:010:19:07

So, yeah, what do you say?

0:19:070:19:11

You didn't actually say anything.

0:19:130:19:15

Really? I thought I made a heap of good points there.

0:19:150:19:19

Listen, I'm going to use the ladies',

0:19:190:19:21

so why don't you think about what you want to tell me, huh?

0:19:210:19:24

You stay here. I'll get rid of the wombat.

0:19:290:19:31

Craig! Thank God, I've found you!

0:19:330:19:35

-Ben! What are you doing here?!

-It's OK, it's OK. It's...

0:19:350:19:38

Look, I know we've had our differences

0:19:380:19:40

and I know how much you mean to Janey but I'd hate to see you deported.

0:19:400:19:44

-Deported?!

-Shhh!!

0:19:440:19:45

-All right. It's OK! OK.

-What are you talking about?

0:19:450:19:48

It's just that immigration turned up at the house,

0:19:480:19:51

apparently a bit of a mix-up, vis-a-vis a visa.

0:19:510:19:53

Vis-a-vis a visa?

0:19:530:19:55

Exactly. And it sounds pretty serious.

0:19:550:19:58

-It's a big mistake. My papers are in order!

-I know.

-What should I do?

0:19:580:20:01

Go to the house, sort it out, let nothing stop you.

0:20:010:20:04

Right! Will you tell Janey I had to go?

0:20:040:20:06

-I'd be delighted to tell her you've gone.

-Thank you, Ben.

0:20:060:20:09

See you later, good luck.

0:20:090:20:11

Shh, come here!

0:20:110:20:12

Make me proud, son.

0:20:150:20:17

Mark? What are you doing here?

0:20:210:20:25

-Is Kenzo OK?

-Yeah. Don't worry. He's fine. Um...

0:20:250:20:29

Where did Craig go?

0:20:290:20:30

He had to go sort something out. Um...

0:20:300:20:33

Janey, it's just...

0:20:340:20:36

-..I really need to talk to you. Can you join me?

-OK.

0:20:380:20:42

The thing is, Janey, um...

0:20:470:20:50

when two people have known each other as long as we have,

0:20:500:20:54

they develop a certain...fondness.

0:20:540:20:57

And one hopes that that fondness can turn into something other than...

0:20:570:21:02

..fondness.

0:21:030:21:05

A deeper fondness, for example.

0:21:050:21:09

-Focus!

-Right. Um...

0:21:090:21:11

We've been through a lot together, Janey.

0:21:130:21:15

We're both parents to that amazing little man.

0:21:160:21:19

-And because of that, I thought we...

-Yes?

0:21:190:21:24

Can I get you anything, madam?

0:21:240:21:26

How about a man who can ask me a question?

0:21:260:21:29

Craig...

0:21:310:21:33

-What are you doing here?

-Ah, it's a little emergency.

0:21:330:21:35

-I'm being deported.

-What?

0:21:350:21:37

Your old man came down to the restaurant to tell me about the Immigration guys.

0:21:370:21:41

Did he now? How very thoughtful of him(!)

0:21:410:21:43

Where are they?

0:21:430:21:45

You're coming with me, Craig. But my visa...

0:21:450:21:48

Trust me, if anyone's leaving the country, it'll be Ben.

0:21:480:21:52

What I'm trying to say is, you know, not to put too fine a...

0:21:520:21:57

If you look at the bigger picture...

0:21:570:21:59

You do know this place shuts at 11, right?

0:21:590:22:01

-Janey.

-Yes.

-You are a wonderful woman. Will you...

-Where is he?

0:22:040:22:08

Where's that idiotic husband of mine?!

0:22:080:22:11

Ah, never mind.

0:22:110:22:13

This one's on you.

0:22:140:22:15

What are you doing?

0:22:150:22:18

I'm so sorry, I've a drink problem.

0:22:180:22:20

What's going on?! What's everyone doing here?

0:22:200:22:23

-Mark is about to propose to you.

-What?

0:22:230:22:25

-No, Craig is about to propose to you.

-What?!

0:22:250:22:28

-Mark, do it before Craig, then his won't count.

-Wait a minute, what are you doing here?

0:22:280:22:32

She invited him for dinner to get Mark out of the way.

0:22:320:22:35

He threatened Craig with deportation!

0:22:350:22:37

Cos I don't want her to marry Craig.

0:22:370:22:39

-I don't want her to marry Mark.

-How about what I want?!

0:22:390:22:41

Never mind that, it's not important! Do your thing.

0:22:410:22:44

Um, Janey, you mean everything to me...

0:22:440:22:46

Look at the size of that, Janey!

0:22:460:22:48

You know what they say about men with big diamonds. They're overcompensating.

0:22:480:22:52

-Size is very important, Susan.

-Don't I know it!

0:22:520:22:55

I can't believe you two. You've taken sides.

0:22:550:22:57

No, we haven't. Craig, get on with it, do your thing.

0:22:570:23:00

-Janey, I can't live without you.

-Do you hear that, Janey?

0:23:000:23:03

He will literally die without you. Do you want that on your conscience?

0:23:030:23:07

Janey, I...

0:23:070:23:09

Look at the size of this, that's so small compared...

0:23:090:23:12

-This is my grandmother's ring!

-You snooze, you lose.

0:23:120:23:14

This is a family heirloom, Susan, I'm going to have to take this off eBay now.

0:23:140:23:18

-Just shut up, OK! You're all mad!

-Come on, do your proposal, do it!

0:23:180:23:22

-So?

-So?

-So?

-So?

-ALL: Will you marry me/him?

0:23:220:23:25

You're both ruining this for me!

0:23:250:23:27

I must ask you all to leave, maintenant!

0:23:270:23:30

Mesdames et Messieurs, I do apologise for this disturbance.

0:23:300:23:35

I assure you the rest of the evening will be free of this circus freak show.

0:23:350:23:39

MARIACHI BAND PLAYS

0:23:390:23:42

Janey Harper, will you m...

0:23:450:23:48

Well, er...

0:23:510:23:53

this is awkward.

0:23:530:23:54

I thought this was a Spanish restaurant.

0:23:560:23:59

-Oh, come on, Janey, let me explain!

-We're so sorry, darling.

0:24:060:24:10

What the hell is wrong with you two? I'm a grown woman.

0:24:100:24:13

I don't need you deciding who to spend my life with.

0:24:130:24:15

-You hear her, Ben? It's not for you to decide.

-You too, Mum.

-Oh.

0:24:150:24:18

What makes you think you can run my life better than I do?

0:24:180:24:21

It's a gift.

0:24:210:24:22

What were you two thinking, taking marriage advice from them of all people? I mean, look at them.

0:24:220:24:27

Steady on, Janey!

0:24:270:24:29

This was a big moment and you two mucked it up beyond repair.

0:24:290:24:32

I mean, how much worse could this night get?

0:24:320:24:34

MARIACHI BAND PLAYS

0:24:340:24:37

Janey Harper...will you marry me?

0:24:410:24:44

No!

0:24:440:24:46

So, Janey. What's the decision?

0:24:480:24:50

Mark, you're a good friend and a great Dad to Kenzo,

0:24:500:24:52

but I don't want to marry you.

0:24:520:24:55

And Craig, I don't want to marry you either.

0:24:550:24:57

-And Roger...

-She's reconsidered.

0:24:570:24:58

We've never talked for more than ten minutes and you're dressed like a Spanish bandit!

0:24:580:25:03

Everyone, just leave me alone, OK?

0:25:030:25:06

I didn't hear a "no".

0:25:090:25:11

-Craig, I just need a minute.

-Please, Janey, hear me out.

0:25:210:25:26

I just need to ask you something.

0:25:260:25:27

-Craig, don't...

-Janey, please.

0:25:290:25:31

I want to speak for myself for once.

0:25:310:25:34

I have to ask you a very important question.

0:25:340:25:36

Will you date me?

0:25:380:25:39

What?

0:25:400:25:41

Janey, I love you and I do want to marry you,

0:25:410:25:45

but not right now. You know, there's plenty of time for that.

0:25:450:25:50

I just want to keep things the way they are.

0:25:500:25:52

So, will you do me the honour of messing about down the pub,

0:25:530:25:58

having a laugh and being my girl?

0:25:580:26:01

I will.

0:26:030:26:05

Shall we go out there and tell them we've sorted things out?

0:26:090:26:12

Oh, Craig, you've still have so much to learn. Come on!

0:26:120:26:15

-Pub?

-Yes!

0:26:150:26:17

-I guess we've learned an important lesson.

-Couldn't agree with you more.

0:26:210:26:26

Which lesson's that?

0:26:260:26:28

We shouldn't interfere in other people's love lives.

0:26:280:26:30

I don't know, with all our experience at dealing with matters of the heart,

0:26:300:26:34

I think we could really help someone.

0:26:340:26:37

Mind you, some people are really beyond help.

0:26:380:26:40

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